Original subtitles

Previously, on The West Wing:

I made a deal with Abbey

'cause of my thing.

One term.

TOBY: The energy secretary is going

to respond and I'd like to mention that

to the Vice President.

Shouldn't have Bill Trotter do it.

Who would you send?

To punch back? Yeah.

Me.

I'm sure you know I was curious about

why you'd volunteer for something like that.

Mr. Vice President, what do you know that I don't?

Toby, the total tonnage of what I know that you don't

could stun a team of oxen

in its tracks.

MAN ( on TV ): That's an incredible one in 500 Americans

afflicted with this disease, which leads me to part two

of our question.

Senator, how is it that, despite the prevalence

of this disorder, autism has received less than 15%...

( paper crumpling )

WOMAN ( on TV ): ...would gradually cut

one percentage point off each individual tax rate

as well as significantly reduce the so-called marriage penalty

it also would reduce

the capital gains tax rate for an individual

and eventually eliminate the inheritance tax.

And Republicans say their work is not necessarily in vain...

Leo?

Hey.

I didn't know you were still here. Yeah.

What's going on?

I've been thinking...

about why Hoynes volunteered to slap down big oil.

It was his polling information.

Yeah, but why did he put the poll in the field at all

is what I'm saying.

John Hoynes is an egomaniac

who needs to be told what people think of him.

Well, that's pretty unusual for Washington.

Yeah.

Leo, has there been a discussion

in some room, someplace, anywhere, on any level

about Hoynes being dropped from the ticket in 2002?

No.

You sure?

Yeah.

'Cause I thought

maybe it was an Eisenhower/Nixon...

No. Toby, I wouldn't give it

a lot of thought.

Okay.

( ball bouncing )

( motor whirring )

Hey.

Scared the hell out of me.

The poll that Hoynes put in the field...

Hoynes is going to run for President one day.

Why shouldn't he do his own polling?

He's going to run for President six years from now.

What good does last week's do?

I really don't know.

Okay.

TOBY: It's never happened before, right?

LEO: No.

A Vice President would never challenge a sitting President

for the nomination.

Of course not.

You see his itinerary

for the weekend?

Who? The Vice President.

I don't keep tabs on John.

He's giving a speech at a semiconductor plant.

The title of the speech is

"Clean Air Industry in the High Tech Corridor

of the Industrial Northeast."

Where?

Nashua... New Hampshire.

Toby, nobody--

and particularly not Hoynes-- would be naive enou...

What I mean to say is, if he's going to New Hampshire

for the reason you're thinking

he would mask it with something.

it wouldn't be an official trip.

He'd make up a benign excuse to be up there.

I know.

So, why are you concerned about the speech?

Because it comes in the middle of a three-day camping trip

to Killington.

Why does Hoynes think the President

isn't going to run again?

What's going on, Leo?

( knocking )

Excuse me, Mr. President.

I closed the embassies in Tanzania and Brussels.

What about domestic?

I don't have to make that call yet.

How much time do you have?

About an hour.

Mr. President, I've got Toby

waiting in his office right now.

Why?

We've got to tell him.

Tell him what?

We've got to tell him.

What happened?

He got curious

when Hoynes volunteered to step in

for Bill Trotter

and then more curious when he found out

it was 'cause Hoynes put a poll in the field.

Yeah.

Now he's camping

in Killington, Vermont

with a quick stop in New Hampshire... Come on.

...and Toby's not an idiot.

He...

None of them are.

He scheduled a trip to New Hampshire?

High Tech corridor of the Northeast.

Yeah, thanks to who?

What does that matter right now?

I think you've got to see this as an opportunity.

To do what?

To gauge reaction.

You think Toby's reaction

is going to be the same

as the public's?

I meant the staff. Which will be?

I'm sorry, sir?

The staff's reaction will be what?

I don't know.

Shock, betrayal, confusion...

concern about our future.

I don't know.

What do I tell him?

Everything.

Go get him.

Yes, sir.

( sighs )

Now it starts.

( heavy sigh )

Hmm.

Yes.

Well...

You know what the problem with this is?

Yes.

It's supposed to be funny.

And yet...? It's not.

No. Who worked on this?

Jay Breech, Janet Lippman, Andy Kyle worked on it a little.

You know what they did?

Yeah.

They forgot to bring the funny.

Yeah.

How much time do we have?

I want to show it to him within the hour.

Toby. Yeah?

Sam and I are going to stay

and punch up some of the jokes

for the Correspondents' Dinner.

Yeah, I read it.

They forgot the funny. You want to stay?

Where you going to be?

We'll find a place.

I'll hook up with you in a little bit.

What's going on? Nothing.

Yeah.

Hello.

How you doing?

I'm doing fine.

Did you get the flowers?

Yes, I did.

Did you like them?

They were very pretty.

Do you know why I sent them?

I know why you think you sent them.

It's our anniversary. No, it's not.

I'm the sort of guy who remembers those things.

No. You're the sort of guy

who sends a woman flowers to be mean.

You're really the only person

I've ever met who can do that.

I'm quite something. Yes.

I sent them to mark an occasion.

Are we really going to do this every year?

For I am a man of occasion.

I started working for you in February.

This is April, and you're an idiot.

You started working for me once in February

then stopped for a while. Yes.

Then you started again in April.

That's the one I choose to celebrate

'cause it's the only one where you started working for me

and it wasn't followed by your not working

but rather going back to your boyfriend.

And how, in comparison to that and him

you can call me "mean"

is simply another in a long series

of examples of how... Oh, shut up!

Honest to God, do you ever get tired

of the sound of your own voice?

No! No, no, no.

Well, where are you going now?

Sam and I are going to punch up the thing for tomorrow.

Hey, we need funny people.

Yeah? You know any?

See, right there was a joke.

It's the oldest joke in the book.

I'll say.

You know what, Ado Annie?

I sent you flowers.

I think what you're trying to say is

"Why, thank you, Josh, they're beautiful.

"How very thoughtful of you.

Not many bosses would've been that thoughtful."

Really? What I think I was trying to say was, "Shove it."

Then I guessed wrong.

You want me to help with the thing?

Yes, I do because you are such an hysterically funny person.

Did you notice how I used "an" there properly?

Yes, I did.

You crack me up.

You know, there are times...

Yeah?

When, to put it quite simply, I hate your breathing guts.

So, the flowers really did the trick, huh?

Oh, yeah.

SAM ( shouting ): Ainsley?!

Ainsley.

Ainsley? Hello, Sam.

Didn't you hear me shouting? Yes, I did.

And? I chose to ignore it.

Because? You were shouting.

You're adorable.

Yet ill-adored.

Go figure. Yeah.

What are you doing?

I'm going up to Smith College tomorrow.

Why? It's my alma mater.

Reunion? No.

The Woman's Studies Department is having a panel

on resurrecting the ERA.

Who else is on the panel?

Rebecca Walker, Gloria Steinem

Ann Coulter, Naomi Wolf...

You know, something like 40% of all women

opposed the ERA

and in my entire life

I've never met one of them.

Ainsley Hayes. Nice to meet you.

You're not.

Yes.

You're not!

Yes.

You're not, you're not, you're not one of those people!

Sam, if by "those people"

you're referring to Episcopalians...

You're going back to Smith College, the cradle of feminism

to argue in opposition of the Equal Rights Amendment?!

And get some decent pizza. Yeah.

They're going to hate you. Sam...

I'm a straight Republican from North Carolina.

You don't think they hated me the first time around?

Yeah. What are you doing?

I want to punch up some of the jokes

for the Correspondents' Dinner

and I'm looking for people left in the building

who are funny, but I can't find any

so I came to you.

I would think, Sam

with your infectious sense of humor

you would have no trouble.

You want to help me or not?

I need to do this.

We've ordered Chinese food.

Okay.

JAY LENO ( on TV ): ...And Australia announced today

they're holding the 18th Annual Nude Olympics.

The Nude Olympics in Australia, huh?

You thought it was exciting to win a race by a nose.

Oh, you've got to watch this.

( laughter and applause )

Did you see the draft for the Correspondents' Dinner?

Yeah.

It's not funny.

Sam's going to work on it.

Toby, take it easy in there, okay?

You can go in.

Good evening, Mr. President.

Hey, Toby. You want a drink?

No, thank you, sir. I'm fine.

Have a drink with me.

Sure.

Bourbon, no ice?

Thank you.

You know what I just found out recently?

To be called "bourbon"

it has to come from Kentucky.

Otherwise, it's called "sour mash."

An Algerian-born terrorist

named Reda Nessam was arrested at the Canadian border yesterday

with a U-Haul containing

ten two-ounce jars

filled with nitroglycerin.

And they don't allow that kind of thing at Yosemite?

No. Anyway

on advice from State and Intelligence

I closed the embassies in Tanzania and Brussels.

What about the FAA?

They want me to order the airports

to heighten security, but it's a holiday weekend.

I don't know.

Toby, I've got to tell you something.

Does the FAA

have to present evidence

of a credible threat? Yeah.

How do they do that?

I don't know. They do it, but... Is there a...?

Sir, is there a time frame?

About an hour.

Toby, around ten years ago, for a period of a few months

I was feeling run down, and I had a pain in my leg.

They both eventually subsided

but then, eight years ago the pain came back

as well as numbness.

My vision would be blurry sometimes, and I'd get dizzy.

During an eye exam

the doctor detected abnormal pupil responses

and ordered an MRI.

The radiologist found plaques on my brain and spine.

I have a relapsing/remitting course of MS.

I'm sorry, sir.

I have Multiple Sclerosis, Toby.

( Toby clears throat )

( clears throat )

What does relapsing/ remitting mean?

I'm sorry? What does

relapsing/remitting mean?

It's...

I don't know...

It's the good kind of MS.

It's the good kind.

Yeah. As opposed to secondary progressive.

Which is the bad kind.

MS is a chronic disease of the central nervous system.

Symptoms can be as mild as numbness

or as severe as paralysis.

And loss of vision.

Yeah.

And cognitive function.

Yup.

TOBY: Is it...

I'm sorry. Is it fatal?

No. That's the good news.

The bad news is there's no cure.

Yeah, that I knew.

Does relapsing/remitting...

PRESIDENT: Ever turn into secondary progressive?

Yeah.

Sure.

Is there any way of telling if it's going to?

No.

Okay.

I'd like to stand up.

Can I stand?

Yeah.

( knocking )

I'm sorry, sir, uh...

I need to...

Can I, uh...

Excuse me.

CHARLIE: Mr. President?

Yeah.

You wanted the call from Mr. Garreth at the FAA.

Charlie, could you put it through to my office?

Yes, sir.

Go take it in my office.

JOSH: See? Yeah.

Larry? Yeah.

See the problem? They didn't bring the funny, Josh.

No, they didn't.

What are you doing?

I'm jotting down some go-to's in case a joke doesn't work.

"I haven't seen an audience this dead"-- that kind of thing.

You think the President's going to get heckled?

No, but I've read the speech and you'd be wise

to have some dead audience metaphors.

Okay, here we go.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am very happy to be here

"and I want to thank

"the White House Correspondent'' Association for inviting me.

"I expect I'll be stuck here tonight

"with my fair share of verbal harpoons.

"I don't mind.

Just don't stick me with the dinner check."

Wow.

And then it says here "Allow for laughter."

Unless we give that instruction to the audience

I don't think it's going to be a problem.

"I don't mind, just don't stick me with the dinner check"?

It's like he's playing Grossingers.

"I know some of you are troubled

"by my frequent use of Latin references.

Well, all I can say is, No te preocupas."

The joke there is that it's in Spanish.

It's that kind of Latin.

That's where you'll want

your first dead audience joke.

We're not going to need one.

Donna, who gave you those beautiful flowers?

I did. Me. Those are from me.

What's the occasion? Nothing.

Our anniversary.

Our not anniversary.

Donna doesn't like to talk about it.

I really don't. Okay.

A few years ago, Donna's boyfriend broke up

with her, so she started working

for Josh.

Then the boyfriend told her

to come back, and she did and then

they broke up, and she came back to work.

I thought you meant you didn't want to talk about it.

I'm a spokesman. It's in my blood.

Well, they're nice flowers.

"And I'd also like to thank our host

Bill Maher." We're not making fun of the host.

Who are we making fun of? MEN: Republicans.

SAM: I only wish the Speaker were here

tonight, but he's held up in negotiations on the Hill.

He's demanding his latest pre-nup

include a line item veto?

There it is. SAM: All right, two groups.

You guys there. We'll stay here.

I want to be in the other group.

Why? The Kung Pao Chicken.

Get the Kung Pao Chicken and come back.

In a half hour, I want to make Toby laugh.

So I found out about a year ago.

Two nights before the State of the Union.

He had an attack.

He did?

When he passed out in the Oval Office.

That was an attack?

Yeah.

I thought it was the flu.

It wasn't.

How is it poss...

How is it possible that this was kept a secret?

First of all, who else knows?

You're the 16th person.

Who else? I'll tell you some of them.

I won't tell you all of them.

Why not?

'Cause it's not entirely my business.

I'm not sure of my footing here.

The President will be off the phone in a minute

and in the meantime, you'll take what I give you.

It's not entirely your business?

The First Lady.

The doctor, radiologist

the specialist, the kids...

Who else?

That's it for now. He took a physical.

Those doctors were from eight years ago.

He took a physical.

It's in remission.

It doesn't show up during a physical...

Leo... It's in remission.

Nobody lied.

Nobody lied?

Nobody.

Nobody lied?

Is that what you've been saying to yourself over and over

again for a year?

Leo, a deception of massive proportion?

I can't even... He gets a physical

twice a year at Bethesda.

His doctors are Naval officers.

Are you telling me that officers are involved in this?

These guys are going to be court-martialed.

Nobody... Listen to me.

Nobody lied.

Nobody was asked to lie.

Coercion.

Nobody was asked to lie.

Officers, the First Lady, surgeons

Surgeon Generals, for all I know.

The plural of Surgeon General isn't Surgeon Generals

It's Surgeons General.

Like Attorneys General, or Courts Martial.

Nobody was asked to lie.

That was Garreth from the FAA.

Upon interrogating Reda Nessam

they believe it's possible that another rental car

crossed the border yesterday.

They believe it's headed

to a safe house in Paterson, New Jersey

and the FBI thinks

they can apprehend him in 24 hours.

Of course, the only way all of this will happen

is if Reda Nessam is telling the truth.

So who wants odds?

Anyway, they're still

looking at forensic evidence, and we're going

to talk again in a few minutes

to decide if there's a credible threat.

I'm sorry, sir.

I didn't hear that.

I said we're going to decide if there's a credible threat.

Why?

What are you guys talking about?

JOSH: Hey.

CHARLIE: How you doing?

You have any idea how much longer Toby's going to be?

I don't.

Let me ask you, you think this joke's funny?

I'm sorry the Speaker isn't here

he's up on the Hill in last-minute negotiations.

He's going over his pre-nup and he wants a line item veto.

Well, I think it's pretty funny, but...

What?

I wouldn't do it. Why?

I think it's going to call attention

to the First Lady not being there.

Where's Mrs. Bartlet going to be?

She went back up to Manchester.

She's not coming to the Correspondents' Dinner?

Probably not.

Charlie, what's going on?

Sorry.

All right.

You don't know when Toby's out?

No.

Okay.

All right, here we go.

"Equality of Rights under the law

"shall not be denied or abridged

by the United States or any state on account of sex."

What's the joke?

It's not a joke. It's the Equal Rights Amendment.

When did that come back?

Read what these guys have.

"Shall not be abridged or denied

on the account of sex."

Very dangerous language.

This must be stopped.

What could possibly be your problem with the ERA? It's redundant.

Why are we talking about the ERA?

She's doing a thing.

Yeah, but it's not back or anything, is it?

Certainly not if Phyllis Schlafly over here has her way.

Look... It's redundant?

I'm a low- maintenance lady

I got the 14th Amendment, I'm fine.

How about...

The 14th Amendment, which says

that a citizen of the United States is anyone

that's born here, that's me

and that no citizen can be denied due process.

I'm covered.

Make a law for somebody else.

Here's a joke based on the premise

that the party afterward is hard to get into

and that the President is the Commander in Chief.

I hear the Bloomberg party

is going to be hard to get into this year

but I'm not worried.

I'm going to the party with the 82nd Airborne.

And then the President says

"Wow, I haven't heard a room this quiet

since we lost the signal on Galileo."

Or, "Wow, I haven't seen my staff

update their resumes this quickly

since the last time I tanked at the Correspondents' Dinner!"

Josh... Yeah?

When you yell, you make it harder

for people to find the funny.

Who gave you those flowers on your desk?

A mean man who can't read a calendar.

Sam.

We're doing fine.

Toby's going to come in here and nail it.

This is his thing.

Yeah, cut the Speaker joke, okay?

Mrs. Bartlet might not be there.

Okay.

All right, so we're going to be fine here.

Yeah, we're doing great.

We're doing great, everybody, right?

Sam, we've got one here

but it involves a John Wayne impersonation and a sock puppet.

Yeah, we're eating it.

Leo said you had an attack last year.

Hmm?

Leo said you had an attack last year.

Yeah.

A couple of nights before the State of the Union.

Yeah.

Wasn't that also the night

you saw satellite pictures of India moving on Kashmir?

Yeah.

India and Pakistan were staring each other down

control of some nuclear weapons had been put in the field.

Yeah.

So in the middle of a... I don't know what you call it.

An episode.

You were in the Situation Room as Commander in Chief.

I know, I can't believe we're all still here.

Mr. President...

The episode was over.

Leo was with me

the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs was with me

as were the Secretaries of State

and Defense. Do you receive medication?

I'm sorry?

Do you receive medicat...

I get injections of Betaseron.

From whom?

From a doctor.

None of your current doctors are aware of your condition.

Mr. President, is your wife medicating you?

I think it would be best

while temperatures are running a little high

that you refer to my wife as Mrs. Bartlet or the First Lady.

Yes, sir.

What you got, Leo?

They'd like a few more minutes.

The FAA? Yeah.

Talk me through what heightened security means.

Well, they deploy more uniformed police and the dogs.

They hand-search luggage.

And they discontinue...

curbside check-in, yeah.

Eliminate the first two rows of short-term parking.

PRESIDENT: Okay, they want a few minutes?

Yeah.

Toby's concerned that the peaceful

solution I brokered in Kashmir last year was the result

of a drug-induced haze.

I was there with him. So was Fitz.

So was Cashman, Hutchinson, Berryhill...

Well, that's fantastic.

Toby... None of you were elected.

I was elected, they were appointed.

The Vice President was elected.

He has the Constitutional authority to assume my...

Not last May, he didn't.

He didn't last May when you were under general anesthesia.

'Cause I never signed the letter, but I don't

think I got shot 'cause I got MS.

I don't think you did either, sir.

I meant that during a night of extreme chaos and fear

when we didn't yet know if we'd been the victims

of domestic or foreign terrorism

or even an act of war

there was uncertainty as to who was giving

the national security orders

and it was because you never signed a letter.

So I'm led to wonder

given your condition and its lack of predictability

why there isn't simply a signed letter

sitting in a file someplace.

And the answer of course is that if there was a signed letter

sitting in a file someplace, somebody would ask why.

The Commander in Chief had just been attacked.

He was under a general anesthetic.

A fugitive was at large.

The manhunt included

every Federal, state and local law enforcement agency.

The Virginia, Maryland, New Jersey, Pennsylvania

and Delaware National Guard units were federalized.

The KH-10s showed Republican Guard movement in southern Iraq

and 12 hours earlier, an F-117 was shot down in the no-fly

and the Vice President's authority was murky at best!

The National Security Advisor and the Secretary of State

didn't know who they were taking their orders from.

I wasn't in the Situation Room that night

but I'll bet all the money in my pockets

against all the money in your pockets

that it was Leo...

who no one elected!

For 90 minutes that night

there was a coup d'etat in this country.

"And the walls came tumblin' down."

I feel fine, by the way. Thanks for asking.

Sir...

No, Leo, Toby's concern

for my health is moving me...

Mr. President...

Shut up!

You know your indignation would be a lot more interesting to me

if it weren't quite so covered in crap.

Sir? Yeah.

Mr. Garreth. Thanks.

Are you pissed 'cause I didn't say anything

or are you pissed 'cause there were 15 people

who knew before you did?

I feel fine by the way. Thanks for asking.

Take the call in here.

We'll step outside for a minute.

Yeah, this is the President.

SAM: Self-deprecation.

Yes. Self-deprecation's what we need.

Yes.

Self-deprecation is the appetizer of charm.

We need jokes about the staff.

We need jokes about the staff.

Let's start with you.

Problem is there aren't many jokes you can make about me.

How about this. Um, "Knock-Knock."

"Who's there?" "Sam and his prostitute friend."

( Ainsley laughs )

See, I think that was a bit of misdirected anger there.

I'm okay with that. Well, in that case

Ainsley, you know why I got you flowers in April instead of February?

'Cause you ditched me the first time around

to go back to the guy who ditched you

the first time around, only to have

him ditch you the second time around.

Ow. What the hell? That was him.

He was being you.

Well in fairness, I think everybody should have a turn.

Sam, is there anything

we can pull, anything funny we can recycle?

Yeah, pull something I wrote from October

called Government-wide Accountability

for Merit System Principles.

That one was a barn burner, was it?

( sighs )

Do you have any idea how much grief I took from him when I came back?

How much?

None.

I walked in the door. He said, "Thank God.

There's a pile of stuff on the desk."

This is his way.

He's just going to snark me every April.

The prince of passive/ aggressive behavior.

What does snark mean?

I don't know, but he's doing it.

Is there any coffee left?

In the mess. Anybody want anything?

You think they have cheesecake down there?

It's a quarter after midnight.

The pastry chef usually stays on till dawn.

I'll go see what there is.

You know, we should make a joke about women

'cause there's no law against that

or paying them less money than men.

Well, there is a law against that.

It's the Pay Equity Act.

It was passed in 1964

when women were making 59 cents to the dollar.

What are you making now?

Seventy-nine cents.

So, everything's fine.

No, there are still some problems, but I'm not worried

'cause the Federal Government's coming to the rescue.

Look--

You think pay disparity is 'cause some sexist in human resources

hired two people for equal positions and paid the man more?

Oftentimes, women-- And oftentimes, women make less money

over the course of their lifetime because they choose to.

Oh, good night, nurse.

They do not choose to make less money.

They're financially punished for having kids.

They made a choice to have kids.

Well, not necessarily, if you guys have your way.

But that's a different can of tuna.

I flat out guarantee you that if men were biologically

responsible for procreation, there'd be paid family leave

in every Fortune 500.

Sam, if men were biologically responsible for procreation

they'd fall down and die at the first sonogram.

If the Amendment is redundant

then what's your problem if it's passed or not?

Because I'm a Republican. Have we met?

I believe that every time the Federal Government

hands down a new law, it leaves

for the rest of us, a little less freedom.

So I say, let's just stick to the ones we absolutely need

in order to have water come out of the faucet

and our cars not stolen.

That is my problem with passing a redundant law.

Sam? Yeah.

The all-night pastry chef, you were just kidding about that, right?

Yeah.

He's still on with State and the FAA guys.

So Hoynes knows?

Hmm?

Hoynes is one of the 16?

Yeah.

And he thinks the President won't run again.

He thinks there's a chance.

Will he?

Will the President run?

Where's the First Lady?

In Manchester.

Why'd she come to me after the State of the Union...?

Toby...

Why, why's she mad at the President?

It's because the State of the Union set up the reelection run.

And somehow, she's under the impression that's not supposed to happen.

The First Lady...

I have no kind of investigative mind, zero.

It took me six days and 23 minutes to figure it out.

He'll run.

Yeah.

Yeah, 'cause we stood in that office a couple months ago

you and I, and you said, "Take my hand.

We just..."

Never mind.

He'll run.

Hoynes was 14.

Who was 15?

Dr. David Lee...

the anesthesiologist at G.W.

He had to know about the Betaseron.

Getting back to Hoynes--

I'm sorry, Leo, but I need you to look at me right now

and tell me the doctor's not under any kind of surveillance.

The doctor's free to talk to whomever he likes.

Well, I'm sure we're going to find that out soon enough.

He's not going to leak it. Someone will.

Toby...

Leo, Hoynes left bread crumbs.

He, he wanted me to find out. A camping trip to Killington?

That was a jackass move. I don't think so.

I think he may be the only one around here who's acting responsibly.

To who?

The Democratic Party.

It's seven and a half months till the Iowa caucus

and no one's been told the President might not be the nominee?

He's going to run.

He may not have that option, Leo.

When this story breaks, it will be because we broke it.

And we'll control it.

And the public will accept it.

It's not like it's unprecedented

that a President conceal health issues.

What do you think is going to happen?

I mean it, what do you think is going to happen?

Well...

I suppose one of...

five things.

The President can decide not to run.

He can run and not win.

He can run and win.

And, what are the other two?

Leo...

You think he's going to need to resign?

There's going to be

hearing upon hearing upon hearing.

He hasn't broken a law.

( door opens )

CHARLIE: The President's on his way back.

Thanks.

Says you.

And you don't have to break the law

to get served with Articles of Impeachment.

Toby, it is never going to get that far.

Write down the exact date and time you said that.

DONNA: See, the thing about me, is that mine is a dry wit.

And a dry wit, like a fine martini

is best enjoyed...

LARRY: Uh-oh.

Yeah, nowhere to go there.

What the hell took so long?

We got the coffee, but then I spilled it coming up the stairs.

You know, the first couple times. Where's Josh?

For how long? You sentI've had time to spill to get tcoffee, you know, a lot.

I'll find him.

So, guys...

Yeah. When I was downstairs

I made a decision: I'm registering with the Republican Party.

And I'll tell you why, if you're curious.

Because they're a freedom-loving people.

We also like beef.

You know, you insist the Government is depraved

for not legislating against what we can see on the newsstands

or what we can see in an art exhibit

or what we can burn in protest

or which sex we're allowed to have sex with

or a woman's right to choose.

But don't you dare try and regulate

this deadly weapon I have concealed on me

for that would encroach against my freedom.

Yeah, and Democrats believe in free speech

as long as it isn't prayer while you're standing in school.

You believe in the Freedom of Information Act

except if you want to find out

if your 14-year-old daughter's had an abortion.

We believe in the ERA.

Well, go get 'em.

How can you have an objection to some- thing that says...

Because it's humiliating.

A new Amendment we vote on declaring

that I am equal under the law to a man?

I am mortified to discover

there's reason to believe I wasn't before.

I am a citizen of this country.

I am not a special subset in need of your protection.

I do not have to have my rights handed down to me

by a bunch of old, white men.

The same Article 14 that protects you

protects me.

And I went to law school just to make sure.

And with that, I'm going back down to the mess

because I thought I may have seen there, a peach.

I could've countered that

but I'd already moved on to other things in my head.

Josh.

Oh.

Well, that was predictable.

Yes.

I'm trying to find that speech Sam said.

You know, we keep them on computer.

Well, yeah, sure, I suppose...

Except you don't know how to use a computer. Right.

Josh, Josh, Josh.

Yes.

Joshua, Josh, Josh.

What the hell is happening now?

You feel, I believe, because you're quite addleminded

that this job was my second choice.

Hey I'm just grateful we were your last choice.

I'm going to give you a little gift right now, which you don't deserve.

Donna, if you've got your old Catholic school uniform

on under there, don't get me wrong

I applaud the thought, but--

Okay, what I need is for you to stop being

like... you for a second.

Okay. When I came back

you remember I had a bandage on my ankle?

Yeah. I told you I slipped

on the ice on the front walk?

Yeah, you know why? 'Cause you didn't

put down the kitty litter. I was actually in a car accident.

You were in a car accident? It was...

Seriously, you were in an accident?

It was no big deal.

You told me it was a late thaw.

Yes... I did.

Anyway, they took me to the hospital

and I called him, and he came down to get me.

And on the way...

he stopped and met some friends of his for a beer.

He stopped on the way to the hospital for a beer?

Yes.

And so I left him.

Which was the point of my telling you this.

I left him.

So stop remembering that.

What I remember is that you took me back

when you had absolutely no reason to trust me again

and you didn't make fun of me or him

and you had every reason to.

Donna...

You're going to make fun of him now, aren't you? No.

'Cause that's why I didn't tell you in the first place.

I'm not going to make fun of him. Good.

But just what kind of a dumpkiss were you...

He was supposed to meet some of his friends.

He stopped on the way to say he couldn't.

And had a beer? Does this make you feel superior?

Yes, you are better

than my old boyfriend.

I'm, I'm just saying

if you were in an accident, I wouldn't stop for a beer.

If you were in an accident, I wouldn't stop for red lights.

Thanks for taking me back.

Oh, and the flowers are beautiful.

Why not heighten security?

Hmm?

At the airports, why not heighten security? What's the downside?

Sorry about that.

What's going on?

Charlie?

I've got to make the call.

Yes, sir.

Let's get Garreth back.

( sighs )

Toby was just asking what the downside

of going to a security condition was.

The scanners they use take an hour to search the luggage

of 250 passengers.

The condition requires two photo I.D.s.

Most people only have one.

Delays.

Delays are the downside.

( knocking at door )

CHARLIE: Mr. Garreth.

That timed out well.

Hal, okay, let's do it.

I'm ordering the airports

to a 2-condition.

You'll have it in writing

in about five minutes.

Thanks.

I didn't know enough.

I know the feeling.

I have no intention of apologizing to you, Toby.

Would you mind if I ask why not?

'Cause you're not the one

with MS, a wife, three kids and airports to close.

Not every part of me belongs to you.

This was personal.

I'm not willing to relinquish that right.

It will appear to many, if not most

as fraud.

It will appear as if you denied

the voters an opportunity

to decide for themselves.

They're generally not willing

to relinquish that right, either.

Yeah.

Mr. President, at some point in the near future

we're going to have to speak to some lawyers.

Well that's what usually brings on the episodes

but if you say so.

It's 17 people, by the way.

I'm sorry?

You knew.

We weren't counting you.

It's 17 people.

( sighs )

I don't know.

It may have been unbelievably stupid.

It may have been unthinkably stupid.

I don't know.

I'm sorry, I really am.

I've got to go in the other room and, uh...

Yeah. I'll see you tomorrow. Thanks.

Thank you, Mr. President.

ED: I think that's a good one.

( talking and laughing )

AINSLEY: Toby!

JOSH: What have you got?

ED: Um, okay, so the President was asked to pick tonight's menu.

And he says, uh, just serve

anything you want except lame duck.

SAM: Toby, listen, listen to this.

Okay.

ED: So the President says, "I know times are tough.

The NASDAQ just filed for not-for- profit status."

( laughter )

AINSLEY: What about the one about the Pentagon?

JOSH: Okay, you have to try and imagine

that the President is saying it.

TOBY: Okay.

JOSH: Tell me if you think this is funny...