Original subtitles

He's a lunatic.

He's colorful. He's certifiable.

Who? Lord John Marbury.

You really going to let him loose in the White House

where there's liquor and women?

We can hide the women

but the man deserves a drink.

Allow me to present myself. Lord John Marbury.

I was summoned by your President.

Yes. We've met ten or 12 times.

I'm Leo McGarry.

I thought you were the butler.

You're the one who's been saying

we need a radical approach.

Yes, yes, I have

and I got shouted down in every meeting.

I prefer not to paint a picture

in the interest of great oratory.

The year is one week old

the legislative session hasn't begun

and we can't put a fork full of waffles in our mouth

without coughing up the ball.

You got beat. Yes.

Figure it out; tell me what you're going to do.

( indecipherable radio communications )

Yeah. Are we patched into the Pentagon?

Yeah. We can hear them?

We can hear what they're saying at Command?

Yeah.

Why can't I hear anything?

Guys, why aren't we hearing anything?

MAN 1: 15 seconds to target launch.

Okay, why don't you just tell me to shut up?

MAN 2: We have a target launch sequence. Go flight.

Kwajalein Atoll, how do you read?

MAN 3: We read you 5 by 5, Command.

Positive target launch sequence.

Here we go.

MAN 1: Target launch in five...

four, three...

two...

Target is aloft.

MAN 2: We confirm target launch.

How long do I have? Two minutes, ten seconds.

I'm going to see

if I can get the President to watch this.

Mr. Sumatra, I understand you're a sports fan.

Yes, sir, Mr. President. Golf.

Okay, well, golf's not a sport.

It's fine-- don't get me wrong--

but let's not you and I confuse it with things that men do.

Yes, sir.

We're going to Bangkok

in June, I think. June, Charlie?

Yes, sir. You're staying at the Oriental.

Best hotel in the world, right?

Your own James Michener wrote many of his books

at the Oriental

and one of his typewriters remains

in the suite they named for him.

Is that right? Yes, sir.

Make sure I see that.

Yes, sir.

Tom?

Mr. President, it is with pleasure

that I present His Excellency

Tada Sumatra of Thailand

and, by request of the Secretary of State

ask that you accept his credentials

from King Bhumibol Adulyadej

as Thailand's Ambassador to the United States.

Mr. Sumatra, I accept your Letter of Credence

from King Adulyadej

and, by affixing my signature and seal

do hereby declare you to be

an Ambassador Extraordinary and Plenipotentiary.

May our people know peace and prosperity.

Congratulations.

Thank you, Mr. President.

We've got some gifts, and we'll stand for pictures.

Ambassador, right here.

Madam, congratulations.

He's got about another two minutes

and then I've got to pull him.

Okay.

Hey, Charlie, is he done?

He's got about another two minutes.

I'd like him in the Situation Room.

Can I pull him?

Shall I tell him it's an emergency?

It's not an emergency

just time-sensitive.

Okay.

What are you looking at?

You're testing

that preposterous contraption again.

It's not preposterous

it's not a contraption

and mind your own business.

In my day, we knew how to protect ourselves.

In your day, you could pretty much turn back the Indians

with a Daniel Boone musket, couldn't you?

Ah, sarcasm-- the grumpy man's wit.

Sharpen a pencil, would you?

What's up?

The target's in the air. They're going

to launch the intercept any moment.

And I'm sure somebody

will come along soon thereafter and tell me it didn't work.

Why do you take that attitude?

'Cause it's not going to work.

What do I get if it works?

Yes. What do you get?

Well, I can't make you

Thailand's Ambassador to the U.S.

'cause I just signed that guy's letter.

Come with me to the Situation Room.

You know what you are?

You are the Charlie Brown of missile defense.

The Pentagon is Lucy.

I'm not familiar with the reference, sir.

Peanuts-- Charlie Brown.

I've heard of them.

I'm just not conversant in them.

Why? I've never read the comics.

Leo, were you born at the age of 55?

I know that there's a dog.

Charlie Brown wanted to kick a football

and Lucy would hold it

except she'd pull it away at the last minute

and Charlie Brown would fall on his butt.

That's funny?

No, but each time

Lucy would find a way to convince Charlie Brown

that this time she wouldn't pull the ball away

but she would and, once again

Charlie Brown would fall on his butt.

And that's funny? It's satirical.

What's it satirizing?

The DOD bringing you to the Situation Room

every time they run a new missile test

so that you can come tell me how great it works

so I'll put money in the NMD system.

You should put money in the NMD system.

It doesn't work.

It will work-- one day, soon.

There are a couple of three-star generals in there.

Call them Lucy and you're on your own.

Good morning, Mr. President.

Hey, where are we?

The Kill Vehicle is on a clear trajectory.

What's its time to the target?

50 seconds.

Colonel, could you walk the President through?

Yes, sir.

Mr. President, approximately three minutes ago

a missile was launched with a simulated nuclear warhead

from the Kwajalein Atoll in the South Pacific.

And it's going to hit my garage in New Hampshire exactly when?

Sir, once the missile cleared cloud cover

it was detected by

the early warning satellites, which launched an interceptor

or Kill Vehicle.

MAN 1: Ten seconds to SRB sep.

OFFICER: "SRB sep" is "Solid Rocket Booster separation."

That means the high-resolution radar on the ground

has gotten a "lock-on" signal from the Kill Vehicle.

MAN 1: Go SRB sep.

MAN 2: Confirm Solid Rocket Booster Separation.

MAN 1: Kill Vehicle's away.

MAN 3: 20 seconds to target intercept.

MAN 1: Go Flight.

So what happens now?

In 20 seconds, it collides with the nuclear warhead.

Where? Outer space.

17 miles above the Earth's atmosphere.

But we don't have anybody out there right now, do we?

MAN 1: Ten seconds to intercept. Sir...

When we stay at the Oriental in Bangkok

we have to check out James Michener's typewriter.

MAN 1: Intercept in five...

Here we go.

MAN 1: three...

two... one...

Is that silence usually a pretty good sign?

No.

MAN 1: Negative intercept.

Have we got sensor readings?

No.

MAN 1: Negative intercept.

KM warhead has overshot its target.

It was just enthusiastic.

By how much? Uh, Leo...

By how much did it miss the target? Colonel?

One-three-seven.

We missed it by 137 feet?

Miles.

We missed it by 137 miles?

When you consider the size of outer space, Leo, that's not so bad.

Sir... By the way, the words you're looking for are

"Oh, good grief."

C.J.: For those of you who haven't seen it

it's a very lovely ceremony.

It's relatively informal.

The ambassadors are led into the Oval Office

probably with a few friends and family.

They chat for a few moments with the President

maybe exchange some gifts, and they're officially presented

by the State Department's Chief of Protocol

who asks the President to accept the ambassador's credentials

and the President signs a letter to that effect. Yes.

C.J., you're accepting four new ambassadors this week.

Is there an order, a protocol, in which they're seen?

There is. It's the order

in which they arrived in Washington.

This morning, the President saw Ambassador Sumatra of Thailand.

Then it will be Peter Hans of Sweden

followed by Her Excellency Renee Ernesto of Argentina

Noah Jola of Burkina Faso

and the newly named British Ambassador to the United States

will be arriving in the United States

just as soon as he's been newly named.

I thought it was going to be...

I've forgotten his name. Anthony Bratt.

Anthony Bratt cited family obligations at home

and withdrew over the weekend.

But weren't they going to replace him with...

Sir Christopher Nealing-Roach, yes.

No, Sir Christopher has been diagnosed with a rare form

of encephalitis contracted during

his recent posting to Kenya.

So who's the new British Ambassador? I don't know.

As soon as the State Department tells me, I'll know.

In the meantime, it's pool photographs only

until tomorrow night when there'll be

a cocktail reception for the new ambassadors.

That's all.

Anybody want to know who's been here the longest?

The Dean of the Diplomatic Corps? Anybody?

Guys, you know, I study these things just for you.

It's Prince Bandar Bin Sultan of Saudi Arabia.

I could've also told them that Burkina Faso

has a population of 11 million

and in even years, they host Africa's largest crafts market.

I need a chance to use that knowledge. Yes.

C.J.

Do you know the chief crops of Burkina Faso? No.

Millet, sorghum, rice, peanuts and cotton.

You should mention in your afternoon briefing that we've accepted

a last-minute invitation for the President to address

the Global Defense Council tomorrow night at the Sheraton.

I thought we passed on the GDC.

We passed on it three months ago

when we thought the President was going to be in South America

but the trip got canceled and they lost their keynote speaker

so we're going to use this to launch CARE

and that's what I want you to announce at the afternoon briefing.

CARE? Yeah.

Okay. Clean Air Rehabilitation Effort.

Yeah. You don't know what it is.

The Clean Air Rehabilitation Effort? Yes.

It's an effort by which... Okay.

we clean the air and rehabilitate it.

I'm not involved in the nuances of environmental policy.

Which will come as a relief to environmentalists.

Sam... I'll brief you later.

I knew the crops of Burkina Faso.

I'll brief you later.

Have we heard from Toby?

No.

Do we know if he's landed?

No.

How's everybody doing in here?

They're doing fine.

Is global warming a real environmental condition

or merely a temporary anomaly?

Is it a global threat or the exaggerated claim of alarmists?

The time for such debate is over.

As of today, it shall be

the unequivocal position of the United States government

that global warming constitutes a clear and present danger

to the health and future well-being

of this planet and all its inhabitants.

Yes. Did somebody get that?

I didn't see anyone writing.

You already wrote it. I added a thing.

We got it. I added, "The time for such debate is over."

We got it. It sets up the reveal.

Yes.

Okay, $22 trillion in benefits

versus a half a trillion in compliance costs--

we're making sure that's right in a couple places?

They're making sure.

Three sources.

And we don't know if Toby's back?

Sam, you'll know as soon as he's back.

Sam? It is Toby?

Yeah. Can I have the phone?

He's standing right there.

Thanks.

22,000 fewer respiratory-related hospital admissions.

I don't want to use the stats unless I have three sources.

How was the trip?

It was fine.

What's going on?

The President's going to speak

at the GDC conference tomorrow night.

I'm sorry? He's going to...

What are you talking about?

He's going to launch CARE.

Since when? Their keynote speaker fell through.

When was this decision made?

Last night.

Why wasn't I involved?

You were in Kansas City. I have a telephone.

Toby... I have a damn telephone, Sam.

Frankly, I didn't think...

I thought there'd be a consensus.

Who was at this meeting?

Where?

Where the decision was made.

It was me, Carl Taub of the EPA, Jane Ziskin...

Toby, we've been looking for an opportunity to launch...

Leo wasn't there? No.

We've been looking for a platform, the opportunity...

I understand. presented itself. What's the problem?

There are a number of problems

any one of which I could have told you about

had you gotten me on the phone.

What's the problem? For one thing

we already blew off the AFL-CIO

telling them the President was going to be in South America.

The President was going to be

in South America. Now he's not.

Instead, he's speaking to labor's good friend, the environmental lobby.

Also, he's the President of the United States. He's nobody's understudy.

You got him going out there like Joey Bishop.

I got to say, I hear all that

but the President was very enthusiastic.

Of course he was enthusiastic.

I'm saying I wasn't in there twisting his arm.

I told him this opportunity had opened up

we had enough notes so that I could finish the speech in time

he asked us a few questions, we answered them, he said yes.

All right, all right.

All right.

It's going to be a good speech.

Yeah.

They need you.

Thanks.

How was the trip?

Fine.

I need to see Leo.

Yeah.

C.J.: It's not going to be

Sir Christopher Nealing-Roach. I heard.

I said it's not going to be Sir Christopher Nealing-Roach. And I said I heard.

But I like to say "Sir Christopher Nealing-Roach."

Who's it going to be? I'm waiting to hear from someone at the State Department.

Me, too. Maybe it'll be Sir Christopher Nealing-Roach.

Can I stop talking to you now?

What are you doing?

I'm standing with my back straight against the wall.

Why?

I was told by doctors

it would relax me.

Josh?

Got to go.

Yeah.

Are you okay?

Yeah. What?

Is it true that Leo can't stand a guy named Lord John Marbury?

Why? A reporter asked me.

What's a reporter doing talking to you? It's a friend of a friend.

Leo McGarry has nothing but respect and affection

for John Marbury. That's what I said.

Leo thinks he's a lunatic.

He's very handsome.

That may be so, but Leo thinks he's a lunatic.

Are you threatened by his brilliance? No.

You seem threatened by his brilliance.

How do you know he's brilliant? I saw his picture.

I'm not threatened by his brilliance

nor am I threatened by his good looks.

What about his charm? I'm not threatened at all.

I'm sorry. I meant Leo.

Neither Leo or I

are threatened by his brains, his looks or his charm.

He is, however, a lunatic Brit

and we're grateful there's an ocean between us.

There isn't anymore.

There isn't what?

An ocean between you.

Please don't tell me...

He's the new British Ambassador to the United States.

( sighs ): Yeah.

Josh?

Yeah.

He's dreamy.

I'm just going to stand next to the wall

a little while longer.

Okay.

( door bangs )

( groans )

Josh?

Okay, what I need people to do is knock.

I did knock.

But you didn't wait for a response.

Why would I?

Because I could have been relaxing

by standing behind that door.

All right.

How was the trip?

It was fine. So we're pinch-hitting at the GDC conference.

For the record, I didn't think it was a good idea and I said so.

And that seems to have helped.

Look, we can't appear to be at the beck and call of the environment.

We could try insulting them.

Yes.

I'm kidding.

I'm not.

We were invited.

Don't care.

What do you have?

Environmental terrorists burned down a ski resort

and the GDC didn't comment?

Why did environmental terrorists burn down a ski resort?

To save the lynx.

The links? Yep.

Environmental terrorists burned down a ski resort

to save a golf course?

It's an animal.

Sam's going to have strong objections.

Yes, I know.

You want me to talk to Leo?

I'm going to talk to him.

I want you to talk to C.J.

About what?

The Will Rogers dinner is going to ask

Cornelius Sykes to host.

You're kidding me.

Nope. He didn't laugh at the joke.

Yeah. Talk to C.J.

Why do you relax by standing behind a door?

I'm not standing behind the door.

I'm standing with my back straight against the wall, so I...

I don't care.

Yeah.

McGarry: Keith, I...

Keith, I can't tell him that.

I can't tell the President

that nine out of ten things went right.

He's going to say, "Yeah, but we didn't hit anything."

Would you, please?

Thank you.

( hangs up phone )

We had an NMD test this morning.

We were successful on nine out of ten criteria.

We missed?

Yeah.

By how much?

We were trying to shoot down

an incoming Intercontinental Ballistic Missile.

Once you miss, it really doesn't matter by how much.

I suppose.

137 miles.

Sam just told me about the speech.

Which speech?

The GDC.

Yeah. Leo...

How did...? I wasn't in the meeting.

It happened fast.

I'm saying...

It happened fast.

Sam pitched it and the President

wanted to do it.

How could you not be in that meeting?

'Cause I'm trying to get the President to warm up

to a missile shield that's supposed to save humanity

and there is a limit to the number

of rooms I can be in at once.

You want to file a complaint?

No.

Good.

Here's what I think.

Screw the environmental lobby?

Did I say that?

Did I say, "Screw the environmental lobby"?

You didn't say anything.

That right, and before I even open my mouth

you decide I'm going to say, "Screw the... "

I apologize.

There's an extent to which

we've got to screw the environmental lobby.

Yeah. A clear and public demonstration that the President's

not beholden to them isn't a bad idea right now.

You think he should walk into their ballroom and smack them around?

I really do, for 30 seconds out of a 40-minute address

announcing an initiative they love.

How do you think they're going to feel about the 30 seconds?

Not that good, but that's the point.

We don't have to move to our right

if there's an opportunity to spank the people to our left.

Anything in particular we want to spank them for?

Failing to publicly admonish acts of eco-terrorism.

The GDC doesn't engage in acts of eco-terrorism.

Yes, but they fail

to publicly admonish those who do.

For example?

A $12-million

Colorado ski development

that was under construction was set on fire

because it threatened the habitat of a rare local lynx.

Is a lynx a...?

I don't know.

I think it's like

a possum or something.

All right, tell Sam to find a place to out it.

I don't want it in the advance text

and I don't want Sam and his 14 objections.

It should just be a drop-in.

I'll talk to the President.

Anything else?

137 miles?

Yeah.

Is that a lot?

Yeah.

Okay.

We have 30 minutes at the ballroom

after the speech to spin

and obviously, the next morning as well.

Among the things you'll want to be emphasizing are what?

America is the biggest emitter of carbon dioxide.

We have four percent of the population.

We're responsible for 25% of the greenhouse emissions.

How are we going to reduce those levels

of greenhouse emissions, you ask?

Through the Clean Air Rehabilitation Effort.

Yes, which you can read about in bullet points

beginning on page 11. Please don't skip the footnotes

and please don't just read what's underlined.

C.J.: Question. Yes.

Did girls go out with you in high school?

Yes. Really?

Under these regulations

there will be a cap on the volume of carbon dioxide

a company could emit in a year, but what's the good news?

If a company comes in lower than the cap, they can sell the balance

of their emissions allowance to another company.

Creating what? BOTH: A cash incentive.

A cash incentive.

Can you tell us anything else about that, C.J.?

No, but I can tell you that lumber, cocoa beans

aluminum and petroleum products are the major exports

of Cameroon.

Then you're all set. Yeah.

Can I have her for a second?

Yeah. Why do you ask him and not me?

He looked in charge.

Of where I go? Can we please?

Did you hear they named John Marbury

British Ambassador?

Yes, I did.

Lord John Marbury?

I know. It's got to be

like Davy Jones is showing up.

Don't make fun of Davy Jones, all right?

He once wrote me a letter.

He took that kind of time, and he still tours.

Plus, my love for John Marbury is real.

It's not a schoolgirl crush.

He calls me Principessa.

Does he? Yes.

He calls Leo Gerald.

He's eccentric. Yeah.

What do you need?

Janice Barry is saying they're going to ask

Cornelius Sykes to host the Will Rogers dinner.

They know for sure?

They're going to ask him on Monday.

Yeah. They're trying to stir this up again?

He didn't laugh at the joke. How many more ways are there

for me to say that? He didn't laugh at the joke.

You guys are friends; I was thinking...

We're not friends. You know each other.

I don't hang out with Corey Sykes.

Yeah, but you know him.

Where is he?

He's in New York doing stand-up.

Since you'll be there... I'll see him tomorrow night.

Thank you.

He didn't laugh at the joke.

Yes. You'll see him tomorrow night?

Josh... Would you see that a meeting is arranged

for tomorrow night in New York

Yeah. with C.J. and Cornelius Sykes and no one else?

Thank you.

And I was thinking...

Yeah? When Marbury gets here?

Yeah? You can encourage him

to introduce me to any royal and single men he might know.

That's a good idea. I'm going to do that.

You're not really, though, are you?

No.

You know what I think?

A lot of people don't realize

that Swedes have lived in Sweden more than 5,000 years longer

than nearly any other European people.

That's right, sir.

In fact, Gothic tribes from Sweden

played a major role in the disintegration

of the Roman Empire, did they not?

They did.

So you've got that to answer for.

Yes, sir.

Uh, Mr. President, it is with pleasure

that I present His Excellency

Peter Hans of Sweden

and by request of the Secretary of State

ask that you accept his credentials from King Carl Gustaf

as Sweden's Ambassador to the United States.

Mr. Hans, I accept your Letter of Credence

from King Gustaf

and by affixing my signature and seal

do hereby declare you to be an Ambassador

Extraordinary and Plenipotentiary.

Thank you, Mr. President.

Congratulations.

( both men chuckling )

Mr. Ambassador.

Family, please.

Congratulations, Ambassador.

Leo.

Is he still holding you responsible

for the fall of the Roman Empire?

Oh, yes.

Welcome to my world.

I'll see you at the reception, right?

Yes, sir. Congratulations.

Mr. Ambassador, you and your family can step this way.

Sweden has a 100% literacy rate, Leo.

100%. How do they do that?

Well, maybe they don't, and they also can't count.

Maybe.

Sir, I really think you should know...

Yes?

That nine out of the ten criteria

that the DOD lays down for success in these tests were met.

The tenth being? They missed the target.

Damn! So close. Sir...

Mr. President... It's that tenth one.

See, if there

were just nine...

Look, the tracking software on the KM vehicle

clearly acquired a read on both the target and the decoy

and for the first time ever

successfully rendered a clean

identification differential.

Leo, seriously, when they were telling you that on the phone

how stupid did you think you'd sound saying it to me?

This project needs money.

It doesn't work.

Neither did several phases of Apollo 11

but Neil Armstrong claims it was a success.

Do we need to decide this right now?

No. Okay.

So, about the GDC speech?

Yeah.

Since we're giving them exactly what they want

Toby thinks it's not such a bad idea

if we signal our independence as well.

How? A drop-in.

Eco-terrorism that's gone un-admonished by the GDC.

For example?

A ski development in Colorado

that threatened a rare lynx was burned in protest.

And we can't take it for granted

that everyone pretty much fundamentally opposes arson?

A year and a half ago

you stood in the Mural Room

and took Al Caldwell's head off because the Christian League

hadn't publicly admonished religious extremists.

It would be hypocrisy

Yes. not to hold our friends to the same standard

and yet it feels strange to score political points

by doing the right thing. Yeah.

I'm victim to my own

purity of character.

Whatever. We got you some information on the lynx

which is a kind of possum, I think.

Okay, well, it's not a kind of a possum

so why don't you get me that information?

Toby doesn't want it in the speech?

Just a drop-in.

Did you hear?

About Marbury? Isn't it great?

Yes, sir, and I assume

you're enjoying my suffering?

Absolutely.

Anything else? No.

Thank you, Mr. President.

2,000 environmentalists are going to try

to kill me tomorrow night.

They're going to come at me

with vegan food and pitchforks.

That doesn't really sound like something people do.

Still, I'd like you to get between me

and any boiled seaweed you see coming my way.

Mr. President?

Leo just talked to me.

About the GDC tonight?

Yeah. I'm not doing this for the politics.

I'm doing it 'cause it's the right thing to do.

Well, I'm doing it for the politics.

A lynx isn't a possum.

I think it's in the possum family.

It's a cat.

Oh, and we don't have enough of those.

How does Sam feel about this?

Toby?

This isn't Government Camp.

It's not like...

It's not important that everybody gets to play.

I'm not going to tell you how to run your office, Toby.

Thank you, sir.

Vegan food coming at me all night long.

C.J.?

Yeah?

Where you going?

New York, New York, Toby.

The town so nice they named it twice.

What are you doing there?

I'm receiving the Matrix Award

from New York Women in Communications.

For what?

I discovered a comet.

What do you mean "for what"?

Past winners, by the way

include Cokie Roberts, Diane Sawyer and Ms. Leslie Stahl.

Did Josh talk to you about...?

I'm meeting him for a drink after the thing.

And you're briefed on the Clean Air Rehabilitation...?

Yeah.

Okay. You might need this.

"The President has always spoken out

"against moderate groups

"not taking responsibility for extremism

"and he isn't going to stop with the environmental lobby.

Friends are honest with each other."

He's going to do a drop-in?

I'll see you tomorrow night.

Hey, Toby, you want to see the speech?

Sam's writing a good one.

Oh.

SAM: Climate changes have accelerated.

Glaciers are shrinking.

Polar sea ice is what?

TOBY: It's thinning.

The polar sea ice is thinning

causing a rise in sea levels around the globe.

And what do we say when they say

"But the proposals in the Clean Air

"Rehabilitation Effort would seriously choke

the auto, trucking and utility business?"

$22 trillion in benefits produced

versus a half a trillion in compliance cost.

Public health benefits?

We'll make that clear.

Where's C.J.?

She's in New York.

What's she doing in New York?

She had a lunch.

Media Women, Women of Media.

That was this afternoon.

She had to stay around.

So it's just me?

Yeah. Call me from the place. Yeah.

Final draft?

Well, it's the 12th draft.

Whether it's the final draft is really up to you.

Was that sass?

Yeah.

Okay.

The difference between a good speech and a great speech

is the energy with which the audience

comes to their feet at the end.

Is it polite? Is it a chore?

Are they standing up because their boss just stood up? No.

We want it to come from their socks.

We got a half an hour.

Let's read this again.

Every time one of these tests fails

Congressional Democrats

jump on it as a reason to kill the program.

You're not going to turn the President around

on the missile shield.

Well, I'm not going to turn him around today

and probably not tomorrow

but as long as somebody has the money

to keep trying to make it work, then I'm fine.

Leo?

Yeah.

There's someone here to see you.

Who?

Gerald!

Oh, God.

Gerald, old friend.

Good to see you, Ambassador.

It's as if the gods themselves

insist that we be not long apart, you and I.

They do seem to strongly insist upon that, yes.

Your assistant, Margaret, is looking positively buxom.

Thank you, I'll tell her.

MARGARET: Thank you.

Yes, well done.

John?

Oh, oh, my aide, Caprice.

How do you do?

Leo McGarry.

Good to see you, Ambassador.

God bless you, Josh.

The prayers of millions were answered.

Thank you, sir.

I have come. Yes.

I am Lord John Marbury, along with my aide, Caprice, and I'm

hereby presenting my credentials

in the fervent hope that...

John, we do that later with the President.

Excellent.

I will tell you, though, that I personally welcome you

and I look forward to our new partnership.

As do I.

I know we've had our differences in the past

but I think you know I respect you.

I congratulate you on this auspicious occasion

and, as a matter of fact, the timing

How so? of your arrival couldn't be better.

Leo's trying to convince the President to give the NMD more time.

You're an expert in the field

and I hope I can count on your support.

You may hope for it, but you'll not have it.

Because the NMD Why not?

is an absurdly wasteful military boondoggle

that will never produce a working missile.

It violates any number of elements of the ABM treaty

and any argument you make in its defense

will surely be moronic.

Ah... detente.

I'm sorry, Gerald.

We're going to have this out. Excellent.

Let's go get you knighted

or whatever the hell it is we do.

( water running )

Hey.

Hey, how you doing?

Not bad.

Thanks for taking the time.

Yeah. I got to get back pretty soon.

I won't take long.

You want to stay for the show?

I got to get the 7:00 shuttle.

You want something to drink?

Uh, club soda.

Alicia, can I get some club soda?

Oh, I haven't seen the movie yet.

You should see it. It's good.

That's what everyone's saying.

Well, I appreciate that.

( both laughing )

So, you know, this is about the Will Rogers dinner.

Yeah.

They're going to ask you to host

and, obviously, the President's going to be there.

We, uh...

appreciate the support...

You want me to say no.

We think the press will go back two years

Let them. and bring up the whole...

I don't want to.

You know, you know how I feel about you.

You know I don't mean you disrespect...

You don't?

No.

I've raised money for you.

I've registered voters for you.

I've done commercials for you

and I've voted for you.

Because of something I never did wrong two years ago

you don't want to be on the same dais with me.

That's not...

It takes a special kind of arrogance

not to think that that's disrespectful.

Ah, thanks, Alicia.

Make your case.

I got to be funny in a while.

It missed by 137 miles.

Yes.

It could've missed by 37 fewer miles

and it would've still missed by a hundred miles.

It doesn't work.

That depends what your definition is.

My definition is precisely the same as everyone else's.

John!

Mr. President.

It's good to have you here.

Your servant, as always.

What made you agree to take the post?

I suppose it's possible I was drunk.

Reasonable bet.

Listen, I got to go a few blocks across town

and give an address on global warming

and the future of our planet.

That's not something you're interested in?

Oh, good God, no.

Okay. Stay here and fight with Leo about something.

We'll get you some dinner. I'll be back in an hour.

We'll do your thing and then enjoy the reception.

Excellent. Indeed.

Charlie? Here we go.

Eagle's moving.

An hour, did he say?

Yes.

I'll need some amusement.

Good evening, Your Lordship.

Excellent.

Wait a second. Let me finish.

It was not a benign joke.

You don't tell benign jokes.

That's a matter...

It was a joke about New York City cops

shooting black men.

I'm black man.

I'm in a room full of rich Democrats in an election year.

You thought I was going to talk about airline food?

It was a political fund-raiser in the heat

of a national campaign.

You weren't doing a 2:00 a.m. set at Catch a Rising Star.

You know how many years it's been

since I worked Catch a Rising Star?

You made the joke, and inoffensive as you think it may have been

there was enormous pressure on the candidate

to disavow your remarks, and he did not.

And I'm supposed...

Corey... I'm supposed to feel good about that?

That he didn't disavow me?

That I wasn't disavowed?

We were courting law enforcement, Corey.

Don't be naive.

You were also courting the black vote, C.J.

I'm not naive.

What'd you expect us to do?

I expected that when I was called

in any of number of places a Hollywood sleaze

that you might have said a few words, maybe, on my behalf.

I expected that you we're going to say

"We in the Bartlet campaign

"don't believe Cornelius Sykes is a Hollywood sleaze.

"We believe he's a world-class humorist

"and millions of Americans agree.

"We believe his humor can be disconcerting to some

"but those who are making noise right now

"are feigning their concern

in an effort to frighten white men."

But what you said was

he didn't laugh at the joke.

Corey...

He did laugh at the joke.

Yeah.

He laughed at the joke, C.J.

I've been doing this 20 years.

You don't think I know if I had him?

I killed that night.

That was a very big deal for me.

To play in front of that audience

to get that man to laugh?

And the next day

my parents read in the paper that I am Hollywood sleaze.

But that's okay

'cause the candidate didn't think I was funny.

I understand.

I don't want to cause any trouble for the President.

You knew that when you walked in here.

I'll pass on the dinner.

I'll tell them...

it was 'cause I couldn't get out of a booking.

But the President laughed at the joke, C.J.

I killed that night.

You did.

Okay, I got to go.

I'll see you next time.

Is the President offstage yet?

Just about.

Anyone know how it's going?

Toby? Yeah.

It's Sam. Yeah.

Yeah?

Sam... He admonished them.

He went off the speech right at the end

and slapped them down for not speaking out

Yeah. Listen... on eco-terrorism.

Sam, listen... He just flew right off the speech.

Something about a Colorado ski resort.

Sam, are you listening? Here's what you say: Talk to me.

Friends are honest with each other.

The President has always spoken out on moderate groups

not taking responsibility for terrorism

and he isn't going to stop with the environmental lobby.

God bless you all, and God bless America.

Got that? Yeah.

What's happening?

Sam, what's happening?

They're not standing.

So, you're actual royalty?

Well, yes.

It's not just an honorary thing?

No. In fact, there's little honor

attached to it at all.

Tell me about yourself.

Well, my mother was a descendant

of the third of the nine children of Queen Victoria.

Victoria was the granddaughter of George III

who was the great grandson of George I.

George I was the great nephew of Charles I

who was the son of James I

and, uh, James's mother was Mary, Queen of Scots.

And are you and Caprice an item?

Uh, no.

Mr. Ambassador?

Is he back?

He's back, but he's receiving credentials

from Her Excellency Renee Ernesto of Argentina

and asks for your patience.

My patience he shall have.

C.J....

Yeah?

You just get back? Yeah.

You heard what happened?

Yeah, and here's what it is:

The President has always spoken out on moderate groups

not taking responsibility for extremism

and he isn't going to stop at the environmental lobby.

Friends are honest with each other.

Sam?

Have you spoken to Toby?

When?

Since after the speech tonight?

No.

Okay.

They're setting up for the reception?

Yeah.

$60 billion can be spent on other things.

I'm all for retention pay.

I'm all for health benefits.

I'm all for procurement.

I'm talking about Abrams tanks

and Apache helicopters, which we know work.

An Apache helicopter

will not stop a Shahab-3 long-range Stiletto

or a North Korean ICBM.

Well, so far, neither can anything else.

Hey, Sam?

I'm going back in there.

Have you been getting questions?

I'm sorry?

Have you been getting questions?

Yeah.

From the press, or...?

The press'll be tomorrow.

So, who's asking...?

The chairman of the GDC, four congressmen

the Secretary of the Interior.

Who'd you think would be talking to me? What did...?

I said, "Sometimes friends have to be honest with each other."

I said exactly what you told me to say

which, coincidentally, is exactly what C.J. told me to say

which is remarkable when you consider

during the event and didn't speak to you afterward.York

I mean, it's almost as if there were people

who already knew it was going to happen.

Sam... Get away from me.

( door opens )

Hey, Sam.

Is it possible I could get in for just a minute?

He's pretty tight right now.

I don't think

I can get you in.

MARBURY: Oh, well, yes, uh, certainly.

There's, uh, Edward, Earl of Ulster.

He's the son of Richard, Duke of Gloucester

who's the son of Henry, Duke of Gloucester.

Edward, Earl of Ulster?

Yes.

You think he'd like me?

Do you date younger men?

Sure. How old is he?

Five.

Okay, well, let's stick a pin in that for a moment

and move on.

Hello. Hello.

Am I interrupting?

Not at all.

Ambassador Marbury was just telling me

about how royal men are schooled in the ways of courtship.

King George III, for example

sailed his bride up the River Thames

to music that was specially composed.

Yeah. That was just a few years

before we opened up a big can of whup-ass on him at Yorktown.

Leo, uh...

How can you look

at North Korea, which 24 months ago

fired a Taepodong missile...

Uh, which failed.

And with some modifications

it'll be able to reach Alaska.

Well, I don't live in Alaska.

I live in England, which, by the way

is not protected by the shield.

Not that anybody else is at the moment, either.

You've also forgotten that we're both signatories

to the '72 ABM Treaty, of which this shield is in clear violation.

You've forgotten that it will

compel China to strengthen their nuclear arsenal.

You've forgotten that the European allies

have strong reservations about the shield

and you've forgotten that it doesn't work.

You know what I haven't forgotten?

What?

That we opened up

a big can of whup-ass on you at Yorktown.

All right.

CHARLIE: Leo?

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

I'm going to correspond with Edward, Earl of Ulster

once he learns how to read and write.

Okay.

Here you go.

TOBY: No, no, Alice, I got it.

It's all right.

No, I got it.

You want a beer?

Yeah, thanks.

( sighs )

You don't ever go into the Oval Office mad.

Look... No. No, no.

No, Sam, you don't ever go in there mad.

I think the President's remarks were... ill-advised

to say the least.

Well, you're wrong.

The drop-in's the story now, Toby, not the energy package.

The energy package doesn't need to be

a story. It's going to be a law.

You'd don't think we need

the environmental lobby?

I think we need them.

I just don't think we're going to lose them.

And I think you're tragically misguided.

Sam, I...

Many, if not most environmentalists

are absolutists who will use this insult to pull

their support under cover we cut a deal with Detroit.

Well, then, they can grow up, Sam.

"Use this insult"?

They just got the energy package they wanted

they just got the President at their dinner

and they should shut up!

Well, you should

explain it to them just that way, Toby

'cause they're really pretty receptive to that argument.

When they look down the ballot and see the alternatives

they get receptive in a hurry.

Was there anything else, or can I sit here now?

Yeah, you can sit here.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Yeah.

( sighs )

Sam, I'm looking at opposition polling

that scares the hell out of me.

I'm looking at internal numbers

that change by the hour.

I'm listening to economists that tell me there's weather...

You left me out.

( sighing ): Yeah.

You think I'm the reason you got beat

on the Leadership breakfast?

I got creamed, Sam.

You think I'm the reason?

I didn't want the discussion!

Then what are you doing here

talking to me?

Now you want the discussion.

You and the President may think they deserved it

but the cynicism of attacking your friends

for political protection offends them and it offends me.

It offends you, and there's really nothing I can do

to make you feel better about that.

We can't govern if we don't win.

You should talk to me about the numbers more.

Yeah.

Anyway, I have this beer, so...

Yeah.

I was just going to sit down and drink it.

Yeah.

I mean, we don't have to talk or anything.

Yeah.

That was Chairwoman Shelly Loobis

I just got off the phone with.

Before that was a conference call with Jamie Schwartz

from the Environmental Defense Fund

Bryce Davis from the Sierra Club

and three Democratic Congressmen

from the Subcommittee on Energy and the Environment.

The number of different words

they had for "manipulative..."

Leo, there's no way they didn't have

a thesaurus open in front of them.

Bryce Davis said if I keep this up

he's going to encourage Seth Gillette

in a third-party bid.

What'd you say?

I said for 50 bucks and a ride to the airport

Gillette could have the job right now.

( chuckles ) What'd you say?

I politely reminded them that it's probably

not a good idea to threaten the President. Nancy!

I want to know, when you're pushing me

towards the missile shield

it's not 'cause you want me to look strong on defense.

NANCY: Yes, sir?

Would you tell Charlie I'm ready? Yes, sir.

Don't. I'm not. I'm pushing you

toward the shield 'cause I think it works.

Based on what?

Confidence...

and the understanding that there's been a time

in the evolution of everything that works

when it didn't work.

JOSH: You know, can I say this?

Why don't we just give the $60 billion

to North Korea in exchange for not bombing us?

It's almost hard to believe

that you're not on the National Security Council.

I know. I feel like they're missing an important voice.

( door opens )

Good evening.

PRESIDENT: John!

Let me explain why you've been waiting.

I have to see people in the order in which they arrive

and you got beat by Argentina.

Oh, uh, well, yes.

You also lost out on preferred seating

for the State of the Union.

I'm required to attend the State of the Union?

Yes!

Well, then, attend it I shall.

Okay. Tom?

it is with pleasure that I present His Excellency

Lord John Marbury of Great Britain

and by request of the Secretary of State

ask that you accept his credentials

from Her Royal Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II

as Great Britain's Ambassador to the United States.

Hmm...

Where are you on the missile shield?

Well, I think it's dangerous, illegal, fiscally irresponsible

technologically unsound

and a threat to all people everywhere.

Leo?

I think the world invented a nuclear weapon.

I think the world owes it to itself

to see if it can't invent something

that it would make it irrelevant.

Well, that's the right sentiment

and certainly a credible one

from a man who's fought in a war.

You think you can make it stop?

Well, you can't.

We build a shield.

Somebody will build a better missile.

Well, it's a discussion for serious men.

They say a statesman

is a politician who's been dead for 15 years.

I'd like us to be statesmen while we're still alive.

Lord Marbury, I accept

your Letter of Credence from Queen Elizabeth

and by affixing my signature and seal

do hereby declare you to be

an Ambassador Extraordinary and Plenipotentiary.

Well, thank you, sir.

Congratulations.

God bless America.

God save the Queen.

Let's go.

( chuckling )