Original subtitles

Man: TWO ABSOLUT MARTINIS UP, ANOTHER DEWARS ROCKS.

I DON'T THINK WE'RE GOING TO RUN THE TABLE

IF THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE ASKING.

Man 2: IT'S NOT. DEEP BACKGROUND.

I'M NOT GOING TO COME CLOSE TO USING YOUR NAME.

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO COME CLOSE TO GETTING A QUOTE, EITHER.

WHY ARE WE SITTING HERE?

YOU SAT DOWN.

IS JOSH ON HIS WAY OUT?

NO. IS HE?

I KNOW HE'S YOUR FRIEND. HE IS.

DID CALDWELL SAY...?

BILLY, I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT THIS.

WHO DO I CALL?

NO ONE.

JUST TELL ME WHO TO CALL.

WELL, YOU COULD CALL 1-800-BITE ME. SAM...

HE'S NOT GOING ANYWHERE, BILLY. IT'S A NON-STORY.

OKAY, YOU'RE LYING NOW, AREN'T YOU?

THAT HURTS. WHY WOULD I LIE TO A JOURNALIST OF ALL PEOPLE?

WHY DO YOU KEEP LOOKING OVER MY SHOULDER? WHY?

ALGER HISS WALKED IN WITH MY SECRET PUMPKIN.

WHAT?

A WOMAN...

I THINK SHE'S LOOKING AT ME.

REALLY?

I DON'T KNOW.

I NEVER KNOW IF THEY'RE LOOKING OR NOT.

( exasperated sigh )

YEAH, I THINK SHE WAS.

I WANT TO THANK YOU

FOR THE CASUAL WAY THAT YOU DID THAT JUST NOW.

SHE PROBABLY DIDN'T NOTICE THAT.

TV reporter: Well, also in the news this morning

25 cars jumped the tracks

spilling 20,000 gallons of sodium hydroxide.

17 ACROSS IS WRONG. IT'S JUST WRONG.

DO YOU BELIEVE THAT, RUTH?

YOU SHOULD CALL THEM.

I WILL CALL THEM.

Woman: TELEPHONE, LEO.

I'M IN THE SHOWER.

IT'S POTUS.

Federal investigators have wrapped up

their field investigation with an eerie test at the scene.

YEAH.

Woman: YOU CAN HAVE A NORMAL LIFE.

YOU'D BE AMAZED AT HOW NORMAL I CAN BE.

SEE, IT'S ALL ABOUT BUDGETING YOUR TIME.

THIS TIME, THIS HOUR-- THIS IS MY TIME.

5:00 A.M. TO 6:00 A.M.

I CAN WORK OUT, AS YOU SEE.

I CAN THINK ABOUT PERSONAL MATTERS.

I CAN... MEET AN INTERESTING MAN.

( pager beeping )

THE TRICK IS...

YOUR BEEPER'S GOING.

WHAT?

I THINK YOUR BEEPER'S GOING.

( beeping continues )

( yells )

( pager beeping )

YEAH, THIS IS JOSH LYMAN.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

Flight attendant: We ask at this time

that you turn off all electronic devices

stow your tray table and return your seat backs

to the full and upright position.

We will be landing shortly at Washington-Dulles Airport...

SIR, I NEED YOU TO TURN OFF YOUR COMPUTER.

I'M JUST ABOUT DONE.

I NEED YOU TO TURN OFF YOUR LAPTOP, SIR.

IT INTERFERES WITH OUR NAVIGATIONAL SYSTEMS.

YOU KNOW WHEN YOU GUYS SAY THAT

IT SOUNDS PRETTY RIDICULOUS TO MOST PEOPLE, RIGHT?

SIR...

MR. ZIEGLER?

YEAH.

A MESSAGE WAS JUST PATCHED UP TO THE COCKPIT FOR YOU.

I'M NOT SURE I'VE GOT IT RIGHT.

"POTUS IN A BICYCLE ACCIDENT"?

YOU GOT IT RIGHT.

YOU CAN'T USE YOUR PHONE UNTIL WE LAND, SIR.

WE'RE FLYING IN A LOCKHEED EAGLE SERIES L-1011.

IT CAME OFF THE LINE 20 MONTHS AGO.

IT CARRIES A SIM-5 TRANSPONDER TRACKING SYSTEM.

ARE YOU TELL ME I CAN STILL FLUMMOX THIS THING

WITH SOMETHING I BOUGHT AT RADIO SHACK?

YOU CAN CALL WHEN WE LAND, SIR.

ALSO, I NEVER GOT MY PEANUTS.

Woman: HOW YOU DOING, SAM?

Sam: LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

THE WATER PRESSURE IN HERE IS REALLY IMPRESSIVE.

I KNOW.

YOU COULD RUN HYDRAULICS IN HERE.

YOU WANT SOME?

I'M FINE.

I'M WASTED.

AND PROBABLY FREE OF CATARACTS.

I GET THAT. THAT'S FUNNY.

THANK YOU.

OH, WAIT, I'M SORRY. YOUR MESSAGE...

YOUR PAGER WENT OFF WHILE YOU WERE IN THE SHOWER.

I HIT THE BUTTON, 'CAUSE I THOUGHT IT WAS MINE.

"POTUS IN A BICYCLE ACCIDENT.

COME TO THE OFFICE."

I MEMORIZED IT JUST IN CASE I ERASED IT BY ACCIDENT.

THESE THINGS LOOK EXACTLY ALIKE.

ANYWAY, LIKE I SAID, I'M TOTALLY BAKED, BUT, UM...

IT'S NOT LIKE I'M A DRUG PERSON.

I JUST LOVE POT.

UH, LAURIE, I HAVE TO GO.

YOU'RE KIDDING ME.

IT'S 5:30 IN THE MORNING.

I KNOW THIS DOESN'T LOOK GOOD.

NOT THAT GOOD, NO.

I REALLY LIKE YOU

IF YOU GIVE ME YOUR NUMBER, I'LL CALL YOU.

STAY RIGHT HERE. SAVE YOURSELF A CALL.

IT'S NOT THAT I DON'T SEE THE LOGIC IN THAT

BUT I REALLY GOT TO GO.

'CAUSE "POTUS" WAS IN A BICYCLE ACCIDENT?

YUP.

HMM...

( sighs )

TELL YOUR FRIEND POTUS HE'S GOT A FUNNY NAME

AND HE SHOULD LEARN HOW TO RIDE A BICYCLE.

I WOULD, BUT HE'S NOT MY FRIEND, HE'S MY BOSS

AND IT'S NOT HIS NAME, IT'S HIS TITLE.

POTUS?

PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.

I'LL CALL YOU.

( series of beeps )

( single beep )

Security officer: IT'S A NICE MORNING, MR. McGARRY.

WE'LL TAKE CARE OF THAT IN A HURRY, WON'T WE, MIKE?

YES, SIR.

DON'T KILL THE MESSENGER, LEO.

OH, WHY THE HELL NOT, BONNIE?

Bonnie: FIVE MINUTES?

PLEASE.

HEY, EMMA. MORNING.

WILSON. HEY, LEO.

JOE. JEFFREY.

WHATEVER.

JOSH!

HEY, DONNA. MORNING, LEO.

IS HE IN YET?

YEAH.

CAN YOU GET HIM?

JOSH!

THANKS.

I HEARD IT'S BROKEN.

YOU HEARD WRONG.

IT'S A MILD SPRAIN.

HE'LL BE BACK LATER TODAY.

AND WHAT WAS THE CAUSE OF THE ACCIDENT?

WHAT ARE YOU, FROM STATE FARM?

GO, DO A JOB, WOULD YOU?

I'M JUST...

HE WAS SWERVING TO AVOID A TREE.

AND WHAT HAPPENED?

HE WAS UNSUCCESSFUL.

YEAH, THAT'S FINE.

JUST DON'T DO ANYTHING TILL YOU TALK TO JUSTICE.

HOW MANY CUBANS EXACTLY

HAVE CRAMMED THEMSELVES INTO THESE FISHING BOATS?

IT'S IMPORTANT

TO UNDERSTAND, LEO

THAT, BY AND LARGE, THEY'RE NOT FISHING BOATS.

YOU HEAR FISHING BOATS, YOU CONJURE THE IMAGE OF...

WELL, OF A BOAT, FIRST OF ALL.

WHAT THE CUBANS ARE ON

WOULD CHARITABLY BE DESCRIBED AS RAFTS, OKAY?

THEY'RE MAKING THE HOP FROM HAVANA TO MIAMI

IN FRUIT BASKETS, BASICALLY. LET'S BE CLEAR ON THAT.

DONNA'S DESK, IF IT COULD FLOAT

WOULD LOOK GOOD TO THEM RIGHT NOW.

I GET IT. HOW MANY ARE THERE?

WE DON'T KNOW.

WHAT TIME EXACTLY DID THEY LEAVE?

WE DON'T KNOW.

DO WE KNOW WHEN THEY GET HERE? NO.

TRUE OR FALSE: IF I WERE TO STAND ON HIGH GROUND IN KEY WEST

WITH A GOOD PAIR OF BINOCULARS

I'D BE AS INFORMED AS I AM RIGHT NOW. THAT'S TRUE.

THE INTELLIGENCE BUDGET'S MONEY WELL SPENT, ISN'T IT?

TELL HIM TO SEND IN THE COAST GUARD.

THEY'RE NEVER GOING TO MAKE IT TO OUR TERRITORIAL WATERS.

WHAT IF THE D.E.A. SUSPECTED THEY HAD DRUGS?

DOES THE D.E.A. SUSPECT THERE ARE DRUGS?

WE CAN MAKE A PHONE CALL.

JOSH!

IF THE D.E.A. OR NAVY INTEL

THOUGHT THE CUBANS WERE BRINGING IN DRUGS

WOULDN'T WE HAVE TO GO OUT THERE AND SEARCH THOSE RAFTS

WITH, YOU KNOW, GUNS AND BLANKETS?

YOU LOOK LIKE HELL, YOU KNOW THAT, DON'T YOU?

YES, I DO. LISTEN, LEO, DID HE SAY ANYTHING?

DID HE SAY ANYTHING?

THE PRESIDENT'S PISSED AS HELL AT YOU, JOSH, AND SO AM I.

I KNOW.

WE GOT TO WORK WITH THESE PEOPLE

AND WHERE THE HELL DO YOU GET OFF STRUTTING YOUR...?

I KNOW. AL CALDWELL'S A GOOD MAN.

AL CALDWELL WASN'T THERE.

I'M SAYING YOU TAKE EVERYONE ON THE CHRISTIAN RIGHT

DUMP THEM INTO ONE BIG PILE AND LABEL THEM STUPID.

WE NEED THESE PEOPLE.

WE DO NOT NEED THESE PEOPLE.

JOSH...

WE NEED AL CALDWELL.

WE WANT AL CALDWELL.

WE DO NOT NEED JOHN VAN DYKE.

WE DO NOT NEED MARY MARSH.

AND I THINK THERE SHOULDN'T BE

INSTANT REPLAY IN FOOTBALL

BUT THAT'S NOT MY CALL NOW, IS IT?

IT WAS STUPID.

DAMN STRAIGHT.

I WAS RIGHT, THOUGH.

LIKE I DON'T KNOW THAT.

OH, MR. McGARRY, HAVE THEY DONE AN X RAY?

YUP.

IS ANYTHING BROKEN?

A $4,000 LYNEX TITANIUM TOURING BIKE

THAT I SWORE I'D NEVER LEND ANYONE.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND. HOW DID HE...?

HE'S A KLUTZ, MRS. LANDINGHAM.

YOUR PRESIDENT'S A GEEK.

MR. McGARRY, YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL

ABOUT THAT KIND OF TALK IN THE OVAL OFFICE.

I APOLOGIZE.

JUST IN THIS ROOM, MR. McGARRY, IS ALL I'M ASKING.

YES. OH, BONNIE, CALL O.E.O.B.

AND SET UP A BRIEFING FOR THE VICE-PRESIDENT

AND LET'S COORDINATE

WITH KATEY SIMONS' OFFICE ON THE APPOINTMENTS.

SHOULD I GET EVERYBODY IN?

YEAH.

MARGARET, PLEASE CALL THE EDITOR OF THE NEW YORK TIMESCROSSWORD

AND TELL THEM THAT "KHADDAFI" IS SPELLED WITH AN "H" AND TWO "Ds"

AND ISN'T A SEVEN-LETTER WORD FOR ANYTHING.

IS THIS FOR REAL OR IS THIS JUST FUNNY?

APPARENTLY IT'S NEITHER.

ANYTHING I CAN SAY OTHER THAN

THE PRESIDENT RODE HIS BICYCLE INTO A TREE?

HE HOPES NEVER TO DO IT AGAIN.

SERIOUSLY, THEY'RE LAUGHING PRETTY HARD.

HE RODE HIS BICYCLE INTO A TREE, C.J.

WHAT DO YOU WANT...?

"THE PRESIDENT, WHILE RIDING A BICYCLE

"ON HIS VACATION IN JACKSON HOLE

CAME TO A SUDDEN ARBOREAL STOP."

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

A LITTLE LOVE, LEO.

WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THE CUBANS?

I DON'T KNOW ANY MORE THAN JOSH.

SOMEWHERE BETWEEN 1,200 AND 2,000 CUBANS

BEGAN EMBARKING FROM A FISHING VILLAGE

30 MILES SOUTH OF HAVANA.

WHERE ARE THEY HEADED?

VEGAS.

MIAMI, THOUGH IT'S NOT CLEAR

HOW SOPHISTICATED THE NAVIGATIONAL EQUIPMENT...

NAVIGATIONAL...? "THAT WAY IS NORTH" IS PRETTY MUCH...

IF ONE OF THESE GUYS COULD THROW A SPLIT-FINGERED FASTBALL

WE'D SEND IN THE U.S.S. EISENHOWER.

THAT'S NOT ENTIRELY TRUE.

FOR GOD'S SAKE, FORGET ABOUT THE JOURNEY.

THE VOYAGE IS NOT OUR PROBLEM.

WHAT'S OUR PROBLEM? WHAT TO DO WHEN THE NINA

THE PINTA AND THE GET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE HIT MIAMI.

CAN'T SEND THEM BACK. SAM?

THEY'D GO TO JAIL IF THEY'RE LUCKY.

WE'LL GET WHACKED IN, WHAT...?

THREE DISTRICTS-- DADE COUNTY.

NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT IT'S WRONG.

WHAT ABOUT TEXAS?

I WOULDN'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

KEEP JOSH IN THE LOOP ON THIS THROUGHOUT THE DAY.

ME? MY DAY'S A LITTLE TIGHT...

DEAL WITH IT.

AND I'M HAPPY TO, IT'S JUST THAT...

SAM...

I'M JUST SAYING, ISN'T THIS MORE

OF A MILITARY AREA?

MILITARY.

YEAH. YOU THINK

THE UNITED STATES

IS UNDER ATTACK FROM CUBANS IN ROWBOATS?

I MUST SAY I LIKE OUR CHANCES.

MIND-BOGGLING TO ME THAT WE EVER WON AN ELECTION.

PAT THOMAS WANTS TO CALL UP THE GUARD.

HE SHOULDN'T. HE'S RIGHT.

YOU CREATE A PANIC SITUATION.

I AGREE WITH JOSH AND I AGREE WITH C.J. AND I AGREE WITH SAM

AND YOU KNOW HOW THAT MAKES ME CRAZY.

YEAH, I DO. THEY'RE RUNNING FOR THEIR LIVES.

YOU DON'T START A GAME OF RED ROVER WITH CASTRO

BUT YOU DON'T SEND IN THE NATIONAL GUARD.

YOU SEND FOOD AND DOCTORS.

SEE THAT I.N.S. WORKS WITH THE RED CROSS

AND THE CENTERS FOR DISEASE CONTROL.

MY C.D.C. GUY'S ON THE PHONE.

GO. TALK TO HIM.

TALK TO HIM.

MOVING ON. LET'S TALK ABOUT JOSH.

Billy: AL CALDWELL SCARES THE HELL

OUT OF THE PRESIDENT AND JOSH KNOWS IT.

Woman: HE'S NOT GOING TO FIRE HIM.

HE'S GOT NO CHOICE.

BILLY, THE PRESIDENT'S

NOT GOING TO FIRE JOSH LYMAN.

HE DOESN'T HAVE A CHOICE.

( buzzer sounds )

I HAD DRINKS WITH SAM SEABORN LAST NIGHT.

SAM SAID THE PRESIDENT WAS GOING TO FIRE...

HE NEEDS THESE PEOPLE.

HE'S GOING TO HAVE TO GIVE THEM JOSH.

C.J.: FOLKS, FOLKS...

BILLY, WHAT DO YOU THINK...?

HE DOESN'T HAVE A CHOICE.

GOOD MORNING.

DR. RANDALL HAYMEN, H-A-Y-M-E-N

CHIEF OF ORTHOPEDICS AT ST. JOHN'S HOSPITAL

HAS DIAGNOSED THE PRESIDENT

WITH A MILD SPRAIN IN HIS LEFT ANKLE

SUSTAINED WHILE CYCLING

INTO A LARGE CYPRUS TREE.

( all laughing )

DETAILS CAN BE FOUND IN THE POOL REPORT

THAT LINDA AND SUZANNE ARE DISTRIBUTING

ALONG WITH POOL PHOTOGRAPHS OF THE PRESIDENT

RESISTING THE HELP OF A SECRET SERVICE AGENT

AND THEN FALLING DOWN AGAIN.

BY ALL MEANS, ENJOY YOURSELVES.

ITEM NUMBER TWO...

C.J., HAS THE PRESIDENT...?

IT'S A LIGHT DAY, CHRIS.

LET'S JUST GET THROUGH THIS

AND THEN I'LL TAKE A COUPLE QUESTIONS.

ITEM NUMBER TWO: THE ASSOCIATION OF RETIRED MUNICIPAL...

No, well, I can tell you that you don't believe

in any God that I pray to, Mr. Lyman

not any God I pray to.

Lady, the God you pray to

is too busy being indicted for tax fraud.

( tape rewinding )

I can tell you that you don't believe

in any God that I pray to, Mr. Lyman

not any God I pray to.

Lady, the God you pray to

is too busy being indicted for tax fraud.

( tape rewinding )

Lady, the God you pray to

is too busy being indicted for...

YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE WORN THAT TIE ON TELEVISION. IT BLEEDS.

I DON'T THINK IT WAS THE TIE THAT GOT ME IN TROUBLE.

BUT I TOLD YOU A ZILLION TIMES...

WHAT'S THAT?

IT'S COFFEE.

I THOUGHT SO.

I BROUGHT YOU COFFEE.

WHAT'S GOING ON, DONNA?

NOTHING. DONNA...

I BROUGHT YOU COFFEE.

CLOSE THE DOOR.

DONNATELLA MOSS, WHEN DID YOU START WORKING FOR ME?

DURING THE CAMPAIGN.

AND HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN MY ASSISTANT?

A YEAR AND A HALF.

WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU BROUGHT ME COFFEE?

IT WAS NEVER.

YOU'VE NEVER BROUGHT ME A CUP OF COFFEE.

IF YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE A BIG DEAL OUT OF...

DONNA, IF I GET FIRED, I GET FIRED.

DO YOU THINK HE'S GOING TO DO IT?

NO.

( knocking )

IT'S TOBY.

YOU WON THAT ELECTION FOR HIM--

YOU AND LEO AND C.J. AND SAM.

OPEN THE DAMN DOOR. ( knocking )

( quietly ): AND HIM.

THANKS FOR THE COFFEE.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

DONNA BROUGHT YOU COFFEE?

SHUT UP.

WHAT'S UP?

WHAT'D I TELL YOU BEFORE YOU WENT ON THE AIR YESTERDAY?

YOU SAID, "DON'T GET CUTE WITH MARY MARSH."

I SAID DON'T GET CUTE WITH MARY MARSH.

I SAID AL CALDWELL IS NOT TO BE TREATED

LIKE SOME REVIVAL TENT CLOWN.

AL CALDWELL WASN'T THERE.

HE SURE AS HELL WAS WATCHING.

LOOK, I ALREADY TOOK LEO'S MORNING BEATING.

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

I WANT YOU TO KEEP YOUR JOB.

HOW?

I'M GOING TO MAKE A SUGGESTION, WHICH MIGHT HELP YOU OUT

BUT I DON'T WANT THIS GESTURE TO BE MISTAKEN

FOR AN INDICATION THAT I LIKE YOU.

I UNDERSTAND.

IN PREPARATION FOR THE SUNDAY MORNING

RADIO ADDRESS ON FAMILY VALUES...

WHEN DID THAT GET ON THE SCHEDULE?

LISTEN TO ME FOR ONE SECOND.

WHEN DID IT GET ON THE...?

IT'S A REGULAR SUNDAY MORNING.

WHEN DID WE SCHEDULE FAMILY VALUES?

WE SCHEDULED IT, JOSH

AFTER YOUR SMUG, TAUNTING, YOU KNOW

CALAMITOUS PERFORMANCE ON CAPITAL BEAT.

AMERICA FOR BETTER FAMILIES, THE A.A.F.

AND AL CALDWELL... MARY MARSH.

I INVITED THEM ALL FOR COFFEE THIS AFTERNOON ALONG WITH

A COUPLE OF SPEECH WRITERS TO TALK ABOUT...

WHAT THEY WANT TO HEAR.

YES. YES, SIR.

PRESIDENTS ARE ROLLING OVER IN THEIR...

COME TO THE MEETING.

NO!

COME TO THE MEETING AND BE NICE. WHY?

SO C.J. CAN PUT IT IN THE PAPERS.

AL CALDWELL'S FRIENDS WITH BAD PEOPLE.

I THINK HE SHOULD SAY SO FOR THE COMMON GOOD.

SCREW POLITICS-- HOW ABOUT THAT?

YOU DON'T RUN SOCIAL POLICY FOR THIS GOVERNMENT. HOW ABOUT THAT?

TOBY...

I'M IN CHARGE OF THE MESSAGE AROUND HERE.

IT'S MY JOB TO TELL THE PRESIDENT

THAT THE BEST THING HE CAN DO FROM A P.R. STANDPOINT

IS TO SHOW YOU THE DOOR.

COME TO THE MEETING.

BE NICE.

KEEP YOUR JOB.

YEAH, I'LL BE THERE.

OH, TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.

WHAT'S THAT?

ONE OF THE KIDS FROM THE NEWSROOM

CLIPPED THAT FROM THE JOURNALTHIS MORNING.

GUESS WHO'S LEAVING LENNOX/CHASE TO START CONSULTING IN TOWN?

SHE'S LEASING OFFICES DOWNTOWN. SHE STARTS TODAY.

WHO'S SHE WORKING FOR?

I'M CHECKING IT OUT.

THAT'S A GOOD PICTURE OF HER.

Woman: BRUCE?

BRUCE?

BRUCE?!

I MAY HAVE JUST GOTTEN BACK INTO THE BUSINESS THIS MORNING

BUT I DIDN'T COME BY WAY OF A TURNIP TRUCK

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

YOU PHAFF ME AROUND ON THIS

AND I'M GOING TO GET CRANKY RIGHT IN YOUR FACE.

NOW, I WAS YOUR SOURCE ON 443-- BIG, FAT BYLINE ABOVE THE FOLD?

IT'S TIME WE PLAY "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE FOR ME LATELY?"

I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THAT YOU'RE GOING TO TRY,BRUCE.

THIS ISN'T GYM CLASS.

( siren blaring )

I SAID, "GYM CLASS."

( siren continues )

GYM CLASS?

( siren continues )

( siren stops )

BECAUSE IT'S IMPORTANT IN GYM TO TRY

BUT IT IS NOT NECESSARILY...

BRUCE, IT WAS A SIMPLE METAPHOR.

NOW, LISTEN UP.

YOU'RE MISINTERPRETING ME

AND THE SENATOR

AND IT'S BUSH- LEAGUE REPORTING.

IT'S BENEATH EVEN YOUR NEWSPAPER.

YOU KNOW YOU RAN A RED LIGHT BACK THERE.

HOLD ON. BRUCE, HUCKLE ME LIKE THIS

I'LL MAKE YOU CRY LIKE A GIRL.

LICENSE AND REGISTRATION, PLEASE.

JUST A SECOND.

LICENSE AND REGISTRATION, NOW, PLEASE.

LISTEN, I'M UNDER ARREST.

I'M GOING TO HAVE TO CALL YOU BACK, BRUCE.

Man: THEY'RE 21/////2 PERCENT IN THE THIRD QUARTER

AT THE END OF THE FISCAL YEAR.

Leo: THAT'S FINE, BUT THE PRESIDENT'S

GOING TO LOOK AT THE W.B.O. REVENUE ANALYSIS

AND SAY THAT ECONOMISTS WERE PUT ON THIS PLANET

TO MAKE ASTROLOGERS LOOK GOOD.

( laughter )

LEO...

LUTHER, BALL PARK--

ONE YEAR FROM TODAY, WHERE'S THE DOW?

TREMENDOUS. UP A THOUSAND.

FRED, ONE YEAR FROM TODAY?

NOT GOOD. DOWN A THOUSAND.

A YEAR FROM TODAY

ONE OF YOU IS GOING TO LOOK PRETTY STUPID.

CAN WE GO NOW?

OH, GO, GET OUT.

WE HAVE A STORM SYSTEM MOVING INTO SOUTH FLORIDA.

SEE? WITH ANY LUCK

THE CUBANS WILL TURN AROUND AND LIVE TO DEFECT ANOTHER DAY.

THEY'RE PROBABLY ALL TUNED TO THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE.

BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M HERE FOR. WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND?

LOOK AT THE WHOLE FIELD. WE'RE ABOUT TO GET TAGGED.

WITH REGARD TO WHAT?

REELECTION. OH, WE'RE NOT THERE YET.

DON'T LET LLOYD RUSSELL PUSH US AROUND ON MEDICARE

OR MEDIUM-RANGE MISSILES.

YOU'RE TAKING LLOYD RUSSELL TOO SERIOUSLY.

HIS NUMBERS ARE GETTING INTERESTING.

HOLLYWOOD LIKES HIM. HE CAN RAISE MONEY.

WE'RE NOT THERE YET.

30-SECOND HYPOTHETICAL: YOU'RE LLOYD RUSSELL

NEWLY CROWNED PRINCE OF THE WHITE SUBURBAN WOMAN

THE UPPER MIDDLE CLASS BLACK MAN, THE TEACHERS' UNION;

YOU'RE NO FRIEND OF THE SITTING PRESIDENT--

WHAT DO YOU DO?

PUT TOGETHER AN EXPLORATORY COMMITTEE.

WHO RUNS IT?

YOU. I ALREADY GOT A JOB.

FOR THE MOMENT.

WHO DO YOU GET?

IF I COULD GET MANDY TO LEAVE $900,000 A YEAR

AT LENNOX/CHASE, I'D GET MANDY.

YOU'D BE SMART.

COME TO THINK OF IT, YOU THINK

SHE'D BE INTERESTED IN HIS JOB?

YOU'RE IN LUCK.

SHE IN TOWN?

JUST GOT HERE TODAY.

WHAT'S SHE DOING?

WORKING FOR LLOYD RUSSELL.

MARGARET! GET ME SENATOR RUSSELL'S OFFICE

ON THE PHONE.

IS THAT THE SAME SUIT YOU WORE YESTERDAY?

YEAH.

YOU?

YEAH.

I THINK IT'S HIM.

IT IS.

OKAY, I'M GOING OVER THERE.

( clears throat )

EXCUSE ME.

WE'RE SORRY TO INTERRUPT YOUR LUNCH.

WE'RE JUNIORS AT FLORIDA STATE.

WE'RE WITH THIS POLI-SCI GROUP.

ANYWAY... WE WANT TO SAY

WE THINK YOU'RE EXCELLENT

AND CAN WE HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH.

SURE. THIS IS MANDY HAMPTON.

SHE'S EXCELLENT, TOO.

FROM THE CAMPAIGN.

WAIT... DIDN'T YOU GUYS USED TO BE A THING?

JENNIFER! SORRY.

SHE USED TO STEAL MONEY FROM ME.

REALLY? YEAH.

THANKS FOR STOPPING BY.

THANKS. THANKS. SURE.

Both: BYE. SEE YOU.

LISTEN, YOU CALLED ME.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO KNOW?

IS LLOYD GOING TO RUN?

I REALLY DON'T CARE ONE WAY OR THE OTHER.

HE'S A LIGHTWEIGHT.

YOU DON'T LIKE HIM?

NOT WHEN I CAN'T USE HIM.

I JUST WANT TO KNOW HOW MUCH TROUBLE

HE'LL BE ON THE BUDGET SURPLUS.

YOU SHOULD GET TO KNOW HIM.

I HAVE ENOUGH FRIENDS.

NOT THESE DAYS YOU DON'T.

JEEZ, MANDY, IT'S NOT LIKE THESE PEOPLE

WERE IN OUR CAMP TO BEGIN WITH.

THEY'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU TO TRIP OVER YOUR MOUTH

AND YOU HANDED IT TO THEM.

IT'S CHRISTMAS MORNING FOR MARY MARSH.

YOU'RE A FULBRIGHT SCHOLAR.

ARE YOU HONESTLY THE ONLY ADULT IN AMERICA

WHO DOESN'T THINK

YOU'RE ABOUT TO BE FIRED?

DO WHAT TOBY'S TELLING YOU TO DO.

DID YOU JUST CALL HIM "LLOYD"?

WHO?

SENATOR RUSSELL.

WHEN? JUST NOW.

YOU SAID, "WHAT DO YOU WANT TO KNOW?

IS LLOYD GOING TO RUN?" I DON'T REMEMBER...

THAT'S UNUSUAL THAT YOU'D CALL A SENATOR

BY HIS FIRST NAME TO A THIRD PARTY.

A THIRD PARTY? KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

NO, BUT AS LONG AS ONE OF US DOES...

YOU'RE DATING LLOYD RUSSELL.

YES.

WOW. THAT'S GREAT.

ARE YOU GOING TO FREAK OUT?

NO, NOT AT ALL.

I ALWAYS THOUGHT HE WAS GAY.

NO, YOU DIDN'T. I DID. HE'S NOT GAY.

YOU SURE? VERY SURE.

HE ALWAYS SEEMED EFFEMINATE TO ME.

HE HAPPENS TO BE VERY ATHLETIC, PLENTY MASCULINE.

I THINK HE'S A WOMAN.

JOSH, TAKE ME SERIOUSLY.

I DO.

THE NEW YORK TIMES IS GOING TO RELEASE

A POLL IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS.

IT BRINGS YOUR UNFAVORABLES UP TO 48%.

THIS IS THE FIRST I'M HEARING OF IT.

YOU'LL HAVE IT IN ABOUT AN HOUR.

WHERE'D YOU GET THIS?

WE DON'T PLAY FOR THE SAME TEAM ANYMORE.

ONE MINUTE, YOU'RE GIVING ME CAREER ADVICE.

NEXT MINUTE, YOU'RE TELLING ME

WE DON'T PLAY FOR THE SAME TEAM?

I'M ONLY HERE A WHILE.

I WANT YOU AT YOUR FIGHTING WEIGHT

WHEN I START BITCH-SLAPPING YOU GUYS AROUND THE BELTWAY.

YOU AND LLOYD RUSSELL, HUH?

YEAH.

17 ACROSS.

YES, 17 ACROSS IS WRONG.

YOU'RE SPELLING HIS NAME WRONG.

WHAT'S MY NAME?

MY NAME DOESN'T MATTER.

I'M JUST AN ORDINARY CITIZEN

WHO RELIES ON THE TIMES CROSSWORD FOR STIMULATION

AND I'M TELLING YOU THAT I'VE MET THE MAN TWICE

AND I'VE RECOMMENDED A PREEMPTIVE EXOCET

MISSILE STRIKE AGAINST HIS AIR FORCE

SO I THINK I KNOW HOW...

LEO!

THEY HANG UP ON ME EVERY TIME.

THAT'S ALMOST HARD TO BELIEVE.

WHAT DO YOU NEED?

NIGHTLINE WANTS SOMEONE FOR THE EAST ASIAN...

SEND NAOMI. WHAT ELSE?

THERE MIGHT BE A PRESS LEAK ON A3-C3.

THAT WAS HUTCHINSON. WHAT ELSE?

LEO...

PLEASE DON'T ASK ME ABOUT JOSH.

I WAS GOING TO...

I HONESTLY DON'T KNOW ANYTHING.

YOU KNOW THE PRESIDENT.

SO DO YOU. YOU KNOW HIM BETTER.

I'VE KNOWN HIM 40 YEARS, C.J.

AND ALL I CAN PROMISE YOU IS

ON ANY GIVEN DAY, THERE'S REALLY NO PREDICTING

WHAT HE'S GOING TO CHOOSE TO CARE ABOUT.

YEAH.

I'M SORRY. I'M LATE.

Man 1: YOU CAN'T USE THOSE STATS.

Man 2: THE ASSAULT STATS.

THEY'RE WRONG.

Sam: THEY'RE FROM YOUR OFFICE.

WE GOT THEM FROM HUD. AND THEY'RE WRONG?

IF THEY WERE RIGHT, DON'T USE THEM.

A) LET'S MAKE THEM RIGHT. B) WHY CAN'T I USE THEM?

THE 76-YEAR-OLD GRANDMOTHER.

EVERY TIME WE USE THOSE STATS

CARR AND GILMORE...

WHO'S THE 76-YEAR-OLD GRANDMOTHER?

DAILY, 17,000 AMERICANS DEFEND THEMSELVES WITH A GUN...

THAT IS FLATLY UNTRUE.

...INCLUDING A 76-YEAR-OLD GRANDMOTHER IN CHICAGO

WHO DEFENDED HERSELF AGAINST AN INTRUDER

IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.

JUST DON'T USE THE STAT.

A 76-YEAR-OLD GRANDMOTHER DOESN'T DEFEND HERSELF

WITH A MODIFIED AK-47 ASSAULT RIFLE, LARRY

UNLESS SHE'S DEFENDING HERSELF AGAINST TURKISH REBELS.

EXCUSE ME.

YOU GUYS KNOW MY ASSISTANT CATHY.

WE TALK A LOT ON THE PHONE.

YEAH. HI. I NEED YOU FOR A SECOND.

ALL RIGHT. CALL ME AT THE END OF THE DAY.

LEO'S WIFE CALLED.

THAT WOMAN HATES ME.

YES. WHAT'D I DO?

YOU TRIED TO HIT ON HER AT A PARTY FUND-RAISER.

YES. I MEANT RECENTLY. WHY DID SHE CALL?

SHE WANTS YOU TO TALK...

FOR THE HUNDREDTH TIME, I DIDN'T KNOW WHO SHE WAS.

HOW MUCH LONGER WILL I BE CRUCIFIED FOR THAT?

A LITTLE WHILE LONGER, ANYWAY.

I WOULD THINK MOST WOMEN WOULD BE FLATTERED.

I THINK LEO WAS ESPECIALLY TOUCHED.

WHAT DOES SHE WANT?

SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO GIVE A TOUR TO SOME STUDENTS

FROM HER DAUGHTER'S FOURTH GRADE CLASS.

SHE CAN'T MAKE IT AND WANTS YOU TO DO IT.

I CAN'T. YOU HAVE TO.

THEY WROTE ESSAYS.

REALLY, I CAN'T. I'M NOT A GOOD TOUR GUIDE.

I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE WHITE HOUSE.

YOU WANT TO TELL MRS. McGARRY THAT?

( beeping ) OH, GOD, PLEASE LET THIS BE

A NATIONAL EMERGENCY.

Woman: Cashmere Escorts.

HI. YOU PAGED ME?

Who is this?

THIS IS SAM SEABORN.

I'm sorry.

There's been a mistake.

WHO'S THIS?

Cashmere Escort Service.

OKEYDOKE.

PAGE ME.

WHERE YOU GOING?

I'M STANDING RIGHT HERE.

PAGE ME AND PUNCH IN THE NUMBER.

YOU SWITCHED PAGERS WITH SOMEONE.

A WOMAN'S ABOUT TO CALL ME.

SHE'S NOT GOING TO KNOW WHY.

PUT HER THROUGH.

( phone ringing )

HELLO?

Laurie: Hello.

You paged me?

LAURIE.

Who's this?

IT'S SAM.

Hi.

SAM SEABORN.

Yeah.

You called me.

YEAH, UH, ACTUALLY, YOU CALLED ME

AND THAT'S BECAUSE YOU HAVE MY PAGER

AND... I HAVE YOURS.

Oh...

YEAH.

L-LISTEN, CAN I COME BY AND SEE YOU REAL QUICK?

Yeah.

THANKS.

GOOD.

OKAY.

I'M HOLDING FOUR COLUMN INCHES...

YOU'RE GOING TO BE WRONG.

GUYS, I DON'T HAVE A LOT OF TIME

TO ANSWER QUESTIONS RIGHT NOW.

C.J., HAS THE...?

DOESN'T STOP YOU FROM ASKING THEM. CHRIS?

HAS THE PRESIDENT HAD ANY REACTION TO JOSH ON THE SHOW?

NONE THAT I'M AWARE OF.

DO YOU KNOW...? SERIOUSLY, THAT'S IT.

I'LL GET YOU WHEELS-DOWN TIME WHEN I'VE GOT IT.

THEY'RE PICKING UP THE SCENT.

BILLY IS. THE REST OF THEM ARE PICKING UP BILLY'S SCENT.

JOSH IS GOING TO COME TO THE COFFEE.

KEEP HIM COOL.

I DON'T NEED TO TELL YOU THAT.

HIS WORK WITH THE SOUTHERN BAPTIST LEADERSHIP CONFERENCE...

HIS WORK WITH THE CATHOLIC LEAGUE...

HE'S SPOKEN AT MY CHURCH.

YES, HE HAS.

HE ALSO SPENT EIGHT MONTHS TRAVELING AROUND THE COUNTRY

DISCOURAGING YOUNG WOMEN FROM HAVING ABORTIONS.

HANG ON-- HE NEVER SAID ANYTHING...

HE DOES NOT BELIEVE THAT IT'S THE GOVERNMENT'S PLACE

TO LEGISLATE THIS ISSUE

BUT THAT'S NEVER STOPPED HIM

FROM PLAYING HIS ROLE AS A MORAL LEADER--

SOMETHING WHICH COST HIM DEARLY IN THE CAMPAIGN

AND YOU KNOW THAT.

WHY DOES HE INSIST ON DEMONIZING US AS A GROUP?

BECAUSE YOUR GROUP HAS PLENTY OF DEMONS.

EVERY GROUP HAS PLENTY OF DEMONS.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL ME ABOUT IT, REVEREND.

I'M A MEMBER OF THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY.

WELL, THEN, WHY DOES THE WHITE HOUSE SUDDENLY TALK

LIKE EVERYONE IN THE CHRISTIAN RIGHT IS THE SAME?

FORGIVE ME, AL, BUT WHEN YOU STAND THAT CLOSE

TO MARY MARSH AND JOHN VAN DYKE

IT'S SOMETIMES HARD NOT TO PAINT YOU ALL WITH THE SAME BRUSH.

I NEED JOHN AND MARY FOR POLITICAL MUSCLE.

I DON'T THINK YOU DO, BUT I RECOGNIZE YOU'RE IN A TOUGH SPOT.

I'M NOT LOOKING FOR A HOLY WAR, LEO.

OH, I KNOW YOU'RE NOT, AL

AND I THINK THAT YOU AND I CAN KEEP THIS

FROM ESCALATING BEYOND A PETULANT WOMAN BEING ANGRY

ABOUT GETTING HER HAIR A LITTLE MESSED UP ON TV.

SEE? THERE YOU GO AGAIN.

WHAT, REVEREND?

IT WAS NOT A LITTLE DEAL! NO ONE'S SAYING...

HEY, IF I MAKE SURE OF NOTHING ELSE

I WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU TAKE ME SERIOUSLY!

YOU DON'T THINK WE'RE TAKING THIS SERIOUSLY?

24 HOURS AGO

THE PRESIDENT ORDERED ME TO FIRE JOSH LYMAN.

I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TALK HIM DOWN FROM IT EVER SINCE.

HE'S GETTING OFF THE PLANE IN TEN MINUTES.

IT'S 6 TO 5 AND PICK 'EM WHETHER JOSH STILL HAS A JOB.

NOW, I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH MORE SERIOUSLY WE CAN TAKE IT.

WELL, THAT'S REGRETTABLE.

YES, IT IS.

ANYWAY, I'M GLAD

TOBY ORGANIZED YOUR MEETING THIS AFTERNOON.

OH, SO AM I.

( knocking )

HI.

HI.

CAN I COME IN?

SURE.

THIS IS A NICE APARTMENT.

YOU SAW IT LAST NIGHT.

YEAH. AND I REALLY LIKE IT.

IT MAKES VERY GOOD USE OF SPACE.

THANKS.

THE WAY THE LADLE HANGS FROM PEGBOARDS...

THE LADLE DIDN'T ACTUALLY

COME WITH THE APARTMENT.

IT'S MINE.

RIGHT.

YES.

UH, CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING?

AM I A HOOKER?

NO, NO. WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY IS THIS:

IS-IS IT POSSIBLE THAT IN ADDITION TO BEING A LAW STUDENT

AND PART-TIME BARTENDER, THAT YOU ARE--

WHAT I'M CERTAIN WOULD HAVE TO BE--

A VERY HIGH-PRICED CALL GIRL?

I, BY THE WAY, AM MAKING NO JUDGMENTS.

THE THING IS, WITH MY JOB...?

YEAH.

YES?

YES.

I'M SORRY, I SHOULD HAVE TOLD YOU.

I WANTED YOU TO LIKE ME.

I DO.

I HAVE TO GO.

SAM?

YEAH?

MY PAGER.

OH!

THANKS.

LISTEN, I DON'T KNOW HOW OFTEN YOU GET UP...

SAM, GO.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHO I AM.

IT'S JUST THAT THERE ARE PEOPLE

WHO'D PAY A LOT OF MONEY TO TRY TO...

I KNOW.

GO.

IT'S OKAY.

( door closes )

REVEREND CALDWELL, IF YOU ALL

WOULD JUST STEP IN HERE?

ALL RIGHT.

EXCUSE ME. HI.

WE'RE GOING TO BE JUST A MINUTE

SO WHY DOESN'T EVERYBODY HAVE A SEAT?

ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY, NICELY AND QUIETLY, TAKE A SEAT.

Josh: NO.

PUT IT ON.

NO.

PUT IT ON. NO!

YOU'VE BEEN WEARING THE SAME CLOTHES FOR 31 HOURS NOW, JOSH.

I AM NOT GETTING SPRUCED UP FOR THESE PEOPLE, DONNA.

ALL THE GIRLS THINK YOU LOOK REALLY HOT IN THIS SHIRT.

BONNIE?

YEAH?

TELL TOBY HE'S CHANGING HIS SHIRT.

RIGHT.

YOU'RE LATE.

I'M HAVING KIND OF A WEIRD DAY.

LEO'S DAUGHTER'S CLASS IS WAITING WITH THEIR TEACHER

AND A COUPLE OF PARENTS IN THE ROOSEVELT ROOM.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO THEM.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO TELL THEM

ABOUT THE BUILDING AND ITS HISTORY.

YOU NEED ANYTHING?

SOMEONE TO TELL ME ABOUT THE BUILDING AND ITS HISTORY.

JUST FAKE IT. I CAN'T FAKE IT.

OF COURSE YOU CAN FAKE IT.

Josh: WHICH ONE'S LEO'S DAUGHTER?

WHAT DOES IT MATTER?

I WANT TO MAKE A GOOD IMPRESSION.

WHAT DOES SHE LOOK LIKE? I DON'T KNOW.

HEY, I'D JUST LIKE TO THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR HELP.

SURE.

HI. I'M SORRY TO BE LATE.

MR. SEABORN, MALLORY O'BRIAN.

HI.

AND THESE ARE THE FOURTH GRADERS

AT CLEAR LAKE ELEMENTARY SCHOOL

WHO WROTE THE BEST ESSAYS

ON WHY THEY WANTED TO VISIT THE WHITE HOUSE.

WELL, THAT'S JUST GREAT!

WHY DON'T WE GET STARTED?

MY NAME IS SAM SEABORN

AND I'M THE DEPUTY COMMUNICATIONS DIRECTOR.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN EXACTLY?

WELL, TO BEGIN WITH, I'M A COUNSELOR TO THE PRESIDENT--

MOSTLY ON DOMESTIC MATTERS

THOUGH GENERALLY NOT SECURITY-RELATED.

I WORK WITH TOBY ZIEGLER, THE COMMUNICATIONS DIRECTOR

AND C.J. CRAIG, THE PRESS SECRETARY

ON CRAFTING OUR MESSAGE AND GETTING IT OUT

THROUGH THE ELECTRONIC AND PRINT MEDIA.

AND WHILE MY FUNCTIONS HERE ARE GENERALLY PERCEIVED

TO BE POLITICALLY SKEWED

IT'S IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER

THAT IT IS NOT THE D.N.C., BUT, RATHER, YOUR TAX DOLLARS

THAT PAY MY SALARY

SO I WORK FOR YOU, WHETHER YOU VOTED FOR US OR NOT.

MR. SEABORN, MAYBE YOU COULD GIVE US SOME HISTORY.

SURE. I GRADUATED LAW SCHOOL EIGHT YEARS AGO

AND STARTED WORKING AT DEWEY/BALLANTINE...

ACTUALLY... I'M SORRY TO INTERRUPT.

I MEANT "HISTORY OF THE BUILDING."

THE WHITE HOUSE?

YES.

SURE!

THE WHITE HOUSE, AS YOU KNOW, WAS BUILT SEVERAL YEARS AGO

MOSTLY, IF I'M NOT MISTAKEN, OUT OF CEMENT.

THE ROOM WE'RE IN RIGHT NOW-- THE ROOSEVELT ROOM--

IS VERY FAMOUS.

IT IS NAMED AFTER

OUR... 18th PRESIDENT, FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT.

THE CHAIRS THAT YOU ARE SITTING ON TODAY

ARE FASHIONED FROM THE LUMBER OF A PIRATE SHIP

CAPTURED DURING THE SPANISH-AMERICAN...

ALL RIGHT.

KIDS, I NEED TO SPEAK WITH MR. SEABORN.

SIT TIGHT FOR A SECOND.

HI. HOW YOU DOING?

I'M SORRY TO BE RUDE, BUT ARE YOU A MORON?

IN THIS PARTICULAR AREA, YES.

THE 18th PRESIDENT WAS ULYSSES S. GRANT

AND THE ROOSEVELT ROOM WAS NAMED FOR THEODORE.

REALLY?

THERE'S A SIX-FOOT PAINTING ON THE WALL OF TEDDY ROOSEVELT.

I SHOULD HAVE PUT TWO AND TWO TOGETHER.

WHILE THERE ARE MANY THINGS

ON WHICH I CAN SPEAK WITH AUTHORITY

I'M NOT GOOD AT TALKING ABOUT THE WHITE HOUSE.

YOU'RE THE WHITE HOUSE DEPUTY COMMUNICATIONS DIRECTOR

AND YOU'RE NOT GOOD AT TALKING ABOUT THE WHITE HOUSE?

IRONIC, ISN'T IT?

I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.

WAIT A MINUTE, PLEASE--

COULD YOU TELL ME WHICH ONE OF THOSE KIDS

IS LEO McGARRY'S DAUGHTER?

WHY?

IF I COULD MAKE EYE CONTACT, MAKE HER LAUGH--

JUST SEE THAT SHE'S HAVING A GOOD TIME--

IT MIGHT GO A LONG WAY TO MAKING MY LIFE EASIER.

THESE CHILDREN WORKED HARD-- ALL OF THEM--

AND I'M NOT INCLINED AT THIS MOMENT TO MAKE YOUR LIFE EASIER.

MS. O'BRIAN, I UNDERSTAND YOUR FEELINGS

BUT PLEASE BELIEVE ME WHEN I TELL YOU

THAT I'M A NICE GUY HAVING A BAD DAY.

I JUST FOUND OUT THE TIMES IS PUBLISHING A POLL

THAT SAYS A CONSIDERABLE PORTION OF AMERICANS

FEEL THE WHITE HOUSE HAS LOST ENERGY AND FOCUS--

A PERCEPTION THAT'S NOT LIKELY TO BE ALTERED

BY THE VIDEO FOOTAGE OF THE PRESIDENT RIDING HIS BICYCLE INTO A TREE.

THE COAST GUARD ARE FISHING CUBANS OUT OF THE OCEAN

WHILE THE GOVERNOR OF FLORIDA WANTS TO BLOCKADE THE PORT OF MIAMI.

A GOOD FRIEND OF MINE IS ABOUT TO GET FIRED

FOR GOING ON TELEVISION AND MAKING SENSE

AND IT TURNS OUT THAT I ACCIDENTALLY SLEPT WITH A PROSTITUTE LAST NIGHT.

NOW, WOULD YOU PLEASE, IN THE NAME OF COMPASSION

TELL ME WHICH ONE OF THOSE KIDS IS MY BOSS'S DAUGHTER?

THAT WOULD BE ME.

YOU?

YES.

"HIS DAUGHTER'S FOURTH-GRADE CLASS..."

YES.

WELL, THIS IS BAD ON SO MANY LEVELS.

SHE'S GOING TO TRY AND BAIT YOU, JOSH.

YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING?

LLOYD RUSSELL. YEAH, THAT'LL LAST.

ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?

THEY'LTHEY WANT YOU TO SAY AND BASOMETHING ARROGANT.

I DON'T NEED BAITING FOR THAT.

HI. HI. GOOD AFTERNOON.

WE APOLOGIZE. WE'RE RUNNING A BIT LATE TODAY.

GOOD AFTERNOON.

HOW'S THE PRESIDENT, TOBY?

YOU KNOW EVERYONE-- MARY MARSH, JOHN VAN DYKE.

HI. HI.

HOW DO YOU DO? NICE TO MEET YOU.

EVERYBODY, SIT, SIT, SIT.

I'M HAPPY YOU COULD TALK WITH US TODAY.

AS YOU KNOW, THE PRESIDENT MAKES

A USUAL SUNDAY MORNING RADIO ADDRESS.

IN A FEW WEEKS, HE'S SCHEDULED...

UH, TOBY, IF I COULD INTERRUPT FOR JUST A MOMENT.

UH, THE GOALS AND SPIRIT

OF CHRISTIAN AND FAMILY-ORIENTED ORGANIZATIONS

WHILE EMBRACED BY A GREAT

AND GROWING NUMBER OF AMERICANS

HAVE BEEN MET WITH HOSTILITY AND CONTEMPT

BY THEIR GOVERNMENT.

NOW, YESTERDAY MORNING

ON THE TELEVISION PROGRAM CAPITOL BEAT

THAT CONTEMPT WAS GIVEN A VOICE

AND A FACE AND A NAME.

I'M REFERRING, OF COURSE, TO YOU, SIR.

YES, I KNOW, AND I'M GLAD YOU BROUGHT THAT UP.

I'M SURPRISED AT YOU, JOSH.

I'VE ALWAYS COUNTED YOU AS A FRIEND.

AND I'M HONORED BY THAT, REVEREND.

FIRST, LET ME SAY THAT WHEN I SPOKE ON THE PROGRAM YESTERDAY

I WAS NOT SPEAKING FOR THE PRESIDENT

OR THIS ADMINISTRATION.

THAT'S IMPORTANT TO KNOW.

SECOND, PLEASE ALLOW ME TO APOLOGIZE.

MY REMARKS WERE GLIB AND INSULTING.

I WAS GOING FOR THE CHEAP LAUGH.

AND ANYBODY WILLING TO STEP UP AND DEBATE IDEAS

DESERVES BETTER THAN A POLITICAL PUNCH LINE.

MARY, I APOLOGIZE.

GOOD, THEN.

LET'S DEAL.

( clears throat )

I'M SORRY?

WHAT DO WE GET?

FOR WHAT?

INSULTING MILLIONS OF AMERICANS.

WELL, LIKE JOSH SAID...

I HEARD WHAT JOSH SAID, TOBY

WHAT DO WE GET?

AN APOLOGY.

SUNDAY MORNING RADIO ADDRESS.

PUBLIC MORALS, SCHOOL PRAYER

OR PORNOGRAPHY-- TAKE YOUR PICK.

SCHOOL PRAYER OR PORNOGRAPHY.

ON EVERY CORNER.

I'VE SEEN IT. MARY...

CONDOMS IN THE SCHOOLS. WHAT?

CONDOMS IN THE SCHOOLS.

WELL, THAT'S A PROBLEM.

Mary: WHAT?

WE HAVE A SURGEON GENERAL WHO SAYS

THEY DRAMATICALLY REDUCE THE RISK

OF TEEN PREGNANCY AND AIDS.

SO DOES ABSTINENCE.

Caldwell: SHOW THE TEENAGE MALE A CONDOM

AND HIS MIND WILL TURN TO THOUGHTS OF LUST.

SHOW THE AMERICAN TEENAGE MALE A LUG WRENCH

AND HIS MIND'LL TURN... TOBY.

SCHOOL PRAYER, PORNOGRAPHY, CONDOMS--

WHAT'S IT GOING TO BE?

WE'RE NOT PREPARED TO MAKE ANY SORT

OF A DEAL RIGHT NOW.

SURE WERE ARE. MARY...

MY READ IS THAT YOU'RE CLEANING OUT YOUR DESK

BEFORE THE END OF BUSINESS TODAY

SO I'D RATHER NEGOTIATE WITH TOBY

IF IT'S ALL THE SAME TO YOU.

MARY... PLEASE ALLOW ME TO WORK.

IT WAS ONLY A MATTER OF TIME WITH YOU, JOSH.

THAT NEW YORK SENSE OF HUMOR WAS JUST...

MARY, THERE'S... REVEREND, PLEASE.

THEY THINK THEY'RE SMARTER.

THEY THINK IT'S SMART TALK

BUT NOBODY ELSE DOES.

Josh: I'M ACTUALLY FROM CONNECTICUT

BUT THAT'S NEITHER HERE NOR THERE; THE POINT IS...

SHE MEANT JEWISH...

WHEN SHE SAID, "NEW YORK SENSE OF HUMOR."

SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT YOU AND ME.

TOBY, LET'S NOT EVEN GO THERE.

THERE'S BEEN AN APOLOGY.

LET'S MOVE ON.

Van Dyke: I'D LIKE TO DISCUSS

WHY WE HEAR SO MUCH TALK ABOUT THE FIRST AMENDMENT

BUT NO TALK ABOUT THE FIRST COMMANDMENT.

I DON'T LIKE WHAT I'VE BEEN ACCUSED OF.

WELL, I'M AFRAID THAT'S JUST TOUGH, MRS. MARSH.

THE FIRST COMMANDMENT SAYS

"HONOR THY FATHER."

NO, IT DOESN'T! TOBY...

IT DOESN'T. LISTEN...

NO! IF I MAKE YOU SIT THROUGH

THIS PREPOSTEROUS EXERCISE

WE'LL GET THE NAMES OF THE COMMANDMENTS RIGHT!

OKAY, HERE WE GO.

"HONOR THY FATHER"

IS THE THIRD COMMANDMENT!

THEN WHAT'S THE FIRST COMMANDMENT?

"I AM THE LORD YOUR GOD.

"THOU SHALT WORSHIP

NO OTHER GOD BEFORE ME."

BOY, THOSE WERE THE DAYS, HUH?

GOOD AFTERNOON, MR. PRESIDENT.

AL.

WHAT HAVE YOU GOT HERE, C.J.?

WE'VE GOT SOME HOT TEMPERS, MR. PRESIDENT.

MARY.

MR. PRESIDENT, I'M JOHN VAN DYKE.

YES.

REVEREND.

MAY I ASK YOU A QUESTION, SIR?

OF COURSE.

IF OUR CHILDREN CAN BUY PORNOGRAPHY

ON ANY STREET CORNER FOR $5.00

ISN'T THAT TOO HIGH A PRICE TO PAY FOR FREE SPEECH?

NO.

REALLY?

ON THE OTHER HAND, I DO THINK

THAT $5.00 IS TOO HIGH A PRICE

TO PAY FOR PORNOGRAPHY.

C.J.: WHY DON'T WE ALL SIT DOWN?

NO, LET'S NOT, C.J.

THESE PEOPLE WON'T BE STAYING THAT LONG.

MAY I HAVE SOME COFFEE, MR. LEWIS?

AL, HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I ASKED YOU TO DENOUNCE

THE PRACTICES OF A FRINGE GROUP

THAT CALLS ITSELF THE LAMBS OF GOD?

OH, SIR, THAT'S NOT UP TO ME...

CRAP-- IT IS UP TO YOU, AL.

YOU KNOW, MY WIFE, ABBEY

SHE NEVER WANTS ME

TO DO ANYTHING WHILE I'M UPSET--

THANK YOU, MR. LEWIS.

28 YEARS AGO, I CAME HOME

FROM A VERY BAD DAY AT THE STATE HOUSE.

I TELL ABBEY I'M GOING OUT FOR A DRIVE.

I GET IN THE STATION WAGON, PUT IT IN REVERSE

AND PULL OUT OF THE GARAGE FULL SPEED.

EXCEPT I FORGOT TO OPEN THE GARAGE DOOR.

ABBEY TOLD ME NOT TO DRIVE WHILE I WAS UPSET

AND SHE WAS RIGHT.

SHE WAS RIGHT YESTERDAY

WHEN SHE TOLD ME NOT TO GET ON THAT DAMN BICYCLE

WHILE I WAS UPSET, BUT I DID IT ANYWAY.

AND I GUESS I WAS JUST ABOUT AS ANGRY

AS I'VE EVER BEEN IN MY LIFE.

SEEMS MY GRANDDAUGHTER ANNIE

HAD GIVEN AN INTERVIEW IN ONE OF THOSE TEEN MAGAZINES

AND SOMEWHERE BETWEEN MOVIE STARS AND MAKEUP TIPS

SHE TALKED ABOUT HER FEELINGS ON A WOMAN'S RIGHT TO CHOOSE.

NOW ANNIE, ALL OF 12, HAS ALWAYS BEEN PRECOCIOUS.

BUT SHE'S GOT A GOOD HEAD

ON HER SHOULDERS AND I LIKE IT WHEN SHE USES IT.

SO I COULDN'T UNDERSTAND IT

WHEN HER MOTHER CALLED ME IN TEARS YESTERDAY.

I SAID, "ELIZABETH, WHAT'S WRONG?"

SHE SAID, "IT'S ANNIE."

NOW, I LOVE MY FAMILY

AND I'VE READ MY BIBLE FROM COVER TO COVER

SO I WANT YOU TO TELL ME--

FROM WHAT PART OF HOLY SCRIPTURE

DO YOU SUPPOSE THE LAMBS OF GOD

DREW THEIR DIVINE INSPIRATION

WHEN THEY SENT MY 12-YEAR-OLD GRANDDAUGHTER

A RAGGEDY ANN DOLL WITH A KNIFE STUCK THROUGH ITS THROAT?

YOU'LL DENOUNCE THESE PEOPLE, AL.

YOU'LL DO IT PUBLICLY.

AND UNTIL YOU DO, YOU CAN ALL GET YOUR FAT ASSES

OUT OF MY WHITE HOUSE.

C.J., SHOW THESE PEOPLE OUT.

I BELIEVE WE CAN FIND THE DOOR.

FIND IT NOW.

WE'LL FIX THIS, LEO.

SEE THAT YOU DO.

OKAY, CAN I JUST SAY THAT, AS IT TURNED OUT

I WAS THE CALMEST PERSON IN THE ROOM?

HEY. WAY TO STAY COOL.

I AM NOT EMPOWERED TO AUCTION OFF THE BILL OF RIGHTS.

I THOUGHT YOU'D TAKE A SWING AT HER.

SHE WAS CALLING US NEW YORK JEWS, JOSH.

BUT BEING FROM CONNECTICUT

I DIDN'T MIND SO MUCH.

YOU, C.J., ON THE OTHER HAND

YOU WERE BRILLIANT.

I PARTICULARLY LIKED THE PART

WHERE YOU SAID NOTHING AT ALL.

I'M SORRY, JOSH. I WAS DISTRACTED.

ALL I COULD REALLY THINK ABOUT

WAS LLOYD RUSSELL AND YOUR GIRLFRIEND.

MANDY AND LLOYD RUSSELL?!

I'LL PUT AN END TO THAT.

HELLO, MR. PRESIDENT.

DID YOU HAVE A NICE TRIP, SIR?

HOW'S THE ANKLE, SIR?

SEEMS TO ME WE'VE ALL BEEN TAKING A LITTLE BREAK.

THINKING ABOUT OUR PERSONAL LIVES OR...

THINKING ABOUT KEEPING OUR JOBS?

BREAKS ARE GOOD.

IT'S NOT A BAD IDEA TO TAKE A BREAK EVERY NOW AND THEN.

AND I KNOW HOW HARD YOU ALL WORK.

THERE WAS THIS TIME THAT ANNIE CAME TO ME

WITH THIS PRESS CLIPPING...

SEEMS THESE THEOLOGIANS DOWN IN SOUTH AMERICA

WERE ALL EXCITED BECAUSE THIS LITTLE GIRL FROM CHILE

HAD SLICED OPEN A TOMATO

AND THE INSIDE FLESH OF THE TOMATO

HAD ACTUALLY FORMED

A PERFECT ROSARY.

THE THEOLOGIANS COMMENTED THAT THEY THOUGHT

THAT THIS WAS A VERY IMPRESSIVE GIRL.

ANNIE COMMENTED THAT SHE THOUGHT

IT WAS A VERY IMPRESSIVE TOMATO.

DON'T KNOW WHAT MADE ME THINK OF THAT.

NAVAL INTELLIGENCE REPORTS

APPROXIMATELY 1,200 CUBANS LEFT HAVANA THIS MORNING.

APPROXIMATELY 700 TURNED BACK DUE TO SEVERE WEATHER.

SOME 350 ARE MISSING AND PRESUMED DEAD.

137 HAVE BEEN TAKEN INTO CUSTODY IN MIAMI

AND ARE SEEKING ASYLUM.

WITH THE CLOTHES ON THEIR BACK, THEY CAME THROUGH A STORM

AND THE ONES THAT DIDN'T DIE

WANT A BETTER LIFE AND THEY WANT IT HERE.

TALK ABOUT IMPRESSIVE.

MY POINT IS THIS--

BREAK'S OVER.

Leo: THANK YOU, MR. PRESIDENT.

THANK YOU, MR. PRESIDENT.

THANK YOU, SIR.

( heavy sigh )

JOSH...

"TOO BUSY BEING INDICTED FOR TAX FRAUD"?

( takes a deep breath )

DON'T EVER DO IT AGAIN.

YES, SIR.

MRS. LANDINGHAM, WHAT'S NEXT?

GOVERNOR THOMAS AND THE MAJORITY LEADER

HAVE ASKED TO BE CONFERENCED IN

AND THE GROUP FROM NASA's ASSEMBLING FOR THEIR PHOTO OP.

AT 7:00, YOU HAVE COCKTAILS...