All language subtitles for mmmmn8

I know this is gonna sound
like an old joke,

but I swear I just saw

a rabbi, a priest
and a penguin walk into a bar.

A Penguin?

I don't think so.
I'm sure it was a nun.

- No.
-No, no, I saw him, too.

That was a guy
in a penguin suit.

- Yeah.
-I don't know what's going on.

There's a lot more street people
around than usual.

Just makes me so sad
to see them.

Well, there's your problem.
You look.

You've got to develop
the New York stare, you know?

Blank expression on your face,

look straight ahead,
don't make eye contact.

Morning, everybody.

There... he'll show you.

Morning, Jake.

Somebody do me a favor.

I got a certified letter
this morning,

and I'm pretty sure
it's important.

I'll read it.

I never got a certified letter.

Almost got a FedEx
package once.

But it was for my neighbor.

I opened it anyway.

A pair of pink bunny slippers.

Not sexy but, you know,
very comfortable.

Yeah, you and bunny slippers.

There's a picture I don't need.

Will you just read it.

It's from a law firm.
It's about your nana.

Uh-oh. That's not good.

She's already dead.
How bad could it be?

Are you kidding me?

She could have left him
with back taxes, overdue rent,

credit card bills.

Well, you know, that's true.

I had an uncle who died.

We all thought
he had a lot of money.

Turns out all he had was

another family in North Carolina
that nobody knew about.

You know, I hear North Carolina
is beautiful.

- Oh, yeah. -You know they got
more golf courses per person

than any other state
in the country?

Really? I would have thought
that was Florida.

- No, no.
- Very interesting.

What about my letter?

Oh, right.

"Dear Mr. Malinak..."

You know, what kind
of name is "Malinak"?

You Polish or Greek?

I thought it was Russian.

Yeah, he's a black Russian.

John, can you help me
out here?

You know, oh... here.

Uh... "Dear Mr. Malinak,

we're very sorry
about your loss..."

You know, once I had six
black Russians in a row.

I was so sick.

Oh, God.

It says your grandmother
left you $25,000.

Somebody had to tell him.

She left me $25,000?

Oh, my God, he's right.
There's a check in here.

She never told me
she had that much money.

But she lived so simply. Yeah.

She never bought new clothes,
never went out to restaurants.

She must have been putting it
away all this time for me.

Sounds like your grandmother
was a wonderful woman.

How long has it been
since she passed?

A couple of months.

Then you're in luck.

Her spirit hasn't left
the third realm.

I'm going there on Tuesday.

Would you like me
to give her a message?

No, thank you. I'm good.

Suit yourself.

How much for the coffee?

Coffee's on the house.

Thanks.

Yeah, that's nice.

Yeah, the nutbar
gets free coffee,

I still have to pay for it,

and I'm the one
sleeping with you.

Try sleeping a little less.

Absolutely, Dr. Becker
can take care of that cut.

Now, if I could just
get some information.

Oh, no, first,
I give you my name,

then you find my address.

Next thing I know, one
of the Kennedys needs a kidney,

and they find me in a cheap
motel packed in a tub of ice.

Well, um, how about just a name
so we know what to call you?

Is that pen made of plastic?

'Cause I don't touch plastic.

It's poison.
It's killing us all.

There's nothing we can...

You know, you know,
we really don't need a name.

Why don't you just
go on back to room two.

Oh, no. Nice try.

I'll be in room one.

Unless that's where
you wanted me to go,

in which case
I'm going to room two.

So, ha!

My God, do you think
that guy is right?

- I think that guy is crazy.

Well, just cause he's crazy,
doesn't mean he's wrong.

What if plastic
is making us all sick?

And if it is,
we'll never get better,

because all the medicine
comes in plastic bottles.

Linda, just answer the phone.

But it's plastic.

Hello. Doctor's office.
Can I help you?

I'm sorry, can you speak up?

Do I want to know?

No.

- Works for me.

Oh, uh, John,
wait just a second.

There's a Mr. Ferguson
in room one,

and there's a very paranoid man

with a cut on his hand
in room two.

He wouldn't give me any
information, not even his name.

All right, I'll start
with the paranoid one.

Oh, wait, is it just me,

or are there more
weird people here than usual?

It sure looks that way,
doesn't it?

Oh, relax, will you?

It's just a stethoscope.

It can't read your thoughts.
For...

He's gonna need a fresh bandage
on that hand.

Then do me favor-- call the
nuthouse over on Jerome Avenue.

You mean the residential
care facility?

Yeah, the nuthouse.

Find out what's going on.

Maybe they left
a window open or something.

Mr. Ferguson,
what can I do for you?

I got this rash.

Holy crap.

By that, I mean...

it doesn't look
that bad, does it?

Wow, that goes all the way up,
doesn't it?

Down, too. Do you want to see?

No, no, no, no.
I'll take your word on that.

Well, it looks like
contact dermatitis.

- You got any allergies?
-No.

You, uh, using
any corrosive agents

like acid or lye or anything?

No.

Touching any plants,
doing any gardening?

Well... can I trust you?

Absolutely.

If you can't be honest
with your doctor, then...

Okay, well, that's a lot
of dirt in your briefcase.

You mind if I ask why?

I'm stealing New Jersey.

Oh.

Smells like Jersey.

Uh...

Wait right there.

Just so you know, the guy
in room one, also crazy.

And I know why.

I just called the halfway house.

Those people didn't crawl
out the window.

They were thrown out the door.

The city just shut
that place down.

Oh, great, no wonder they're
crawling all over my office.

Oh, John, relax.

So what if we have a few
extra patients to handle?

They're just people.

I can't stay here any longer.

Your X-ray machine
contaminated my clothes.

Okay, that one's a freak.

Here's some fresh coffee.

I'll be right back
with some cheese sandwiches.

Actually, uh, Chris, can I get
one of those sandwiches?

Yeah, sure, that will be $175.

You don't even use real cheese.

Yeah, but I got to make
my money somewhere.

I got all these street people
hanging out here,

and I'm feeding them for free.

It's the busiest I've ever been,
and I'm not making a dime.

You think you got problems?

I still got to figure out
what to do with $25,000.

Want a suggestion?

All right, Jake,
I've been making a list

of things for you to do
with that money.

It's my money.
Why are you making a list?

Because, in the short time
I've known you,

I find you have
very little imagination.

Now, what do you mean by that?

See?

Now, first of all,
let's rule out

any kind of miraculous
sight-saving operation.

They rarely work,

so you're really just setting
yourself up for disappointment.

How do you feel about a Camaro?

Look, Hector, my nana
saved her whole life

to leave me this money,
all right?

So it's very important to me

that I do the right thing
with it.

I'm not going to go blow it all
on something stupid.

You're right, you're right.

How do you feel about strippers?

Oh, my God, they're here, too.

Oh, and you're feeding them.

Yeah, well, they're hungry.

I can't just turn these people
out on the street.

Here you go. Yeah, yeah,

I know you ordered
green eggs and ham.

I'm working on it, I am, I am.

Yeah, I hope you can afford
to do this every day,

because they're gonna
be here for a while.

I just found out

the neighborhood
halfway house was closed.

That's why they're all
hanging out here,

and at my office.

Well, they just can't
kick these people

out on the street.
That's insane.

Sorry, sorry, figure of speech.

Well, it just doesn't seem fair.

Yeah, I mean, don't they realize
how this affects me?

You? I got my hands full
here, too, you know.

Yeah, but at least
you got a choice.

You got that "right to refuse
service to anyone" sign.

I can't do that.
Damn Hippocratic oath.

You know who's to blame,
don't you?

- The city?
-The city.

I mean, they close
these places down,

and they don't think
about the consequences.

And, you know,
everybody just accepts it.

I tell you, you know,
I-I'm gonna get

on the phone and, uh,
scream at some people.

Heads are gonna roll.

Heads don't actually roll,
you know. They bounce.

- What?
-I'm just saying,

they don't actually roll.
It's the ears.

Okay, quiet down, everybody.

This is how it's gonna be.

I'm gonna divide the room into
regular and irregular patients.

And by regular, I mean usual.

Because if you're irregular,

you could still be
a regular patient.

But if you're irregular

and you're not
a regular patient,

well, then,
that's not really our problem.

Okay, I see
we have a lot of guests.

Are all these people sick?

No. Some of them just wanted
to get out of the cold,

some needed
to use the bathroom,

and some just want to watch TV.

We don't have a TV.

Don't tell them. We had
a huge fight over the remote.

And, uh, where was John
during all of this?

He's in his office on the phone.

All right, fine.
I'll see what's keeping him.

In the meantime,
tell our regular patients

that we will get to them
as soon as we can.

What about the... other ones?

I don't care. Tell them
we're going to the circus.

We're going to the circus?

No, you may not put me on hold.

Look, I'm a citizen,
I'm a taxpayer, I'm a doctor,

and I'm on hold...
for crying out loud.

- This is like...
-John?

- What?
-What are you doing in here?

It is chaos out there.

I know that.
I'm trying to fix it.

I called the Housing Department,
who put me on hold,

and then I called
Health and Welfare,

who also put me on hold,
which is where I am on line one.

Line two is the mayor's office,

line three is the department
of "I Don't Give a Crap,"

line four...

I don't even remember
what line four is.

Ah, let me see, let me see.

Hello?

Hello! Finally! Look...

John, you have got to get
off the phone.

- Linda and I need help
out there. -Well...

Those people are
all over the office.

What do you want me to do?

Get a flute and lead
them all to the river?

Hey, that wouldn't work,
would it?

Get out of here.

No, no, no.

No! You guys still aren't
getting this right.

Oh, Linda, come on.
This is ridiculous.

I know, group two's
not supposed to come in

until group one sings,
"gently down the stream."

This is great.

You know, I'm trying
to run a medical practice,

I end up with Sesame Street.

And, Linda, what happened
to our regular patients?

Oh, they got mad and left.

Oh, oh, that's great. You know,
I can't work like this.

John, where are you going?

I'm going to City Hall
and bitch at someone.

All right, everybody,
I'm going to go complain

about the way
you've been treated.

Now, who wants to come with me?

Well, come on,
I'm doing this for you.

This is an outrage.

Let's go down
and raise some hell.

Come on, who's with me?

All right, all right,
all right, all right, all right.

Who wants ice cream?

Not you.

Elevator's out of order.

I know.

Yeah, well,
you should tell someone.

They know.

Well, all right, then.

Look, I-l didn't come
all the way up here

just to tell you that.

I have a complaint.

Another one?

I haven't made a complaint yet.

Yeah, I guess
that elevator thing

was more of a snotty remark.

Look, I'm... I'm a doctor
with a small practice.

Actually, it's not that small.
It's about medium really.

I do fine.

Any-Anyway,
that's-that's neither...

you know, that's neither here
nor there.

What the hell does that mean?

Six of one,
half dozen of the other.

Speak English.

Yeah, you're right. You know
something, you're right.

Look, recently my neighborhood

has been flooded
with homeless people

who used to be
in the city's care.

- So?
-So, that's wrong.

You don't just throw people
out on the streets.

And that's why we came
down here to complain.

"We"?

Yeah, we.

Give me a moment.

Hey, don't you remember
how we agreed, you know,

when I whistle, you all come in?

Well, we-we did. And...

Look, just-just try
to stay focused, will you?

We would like to see your boss.

Yeah? Well, you can't see him,

because you don't have
an appointment.

How about we just go in there
without an appointment?

I'm making minimum wage.

Frankly,
I don't care where you go.

Excuse me.

I'm sorry, uh,
do you have an appointment?

No, no, but I'm a citizen
and I have a complaint,

and I'm a doctor, so the things
I say are usually valid.

Well, uh, uh, in that case,
why don't you sit down

and tell me about it.

Would you like some tea?

What? Oh, no, thanks.

You sure?

It's not often I get visitors.

No, really, I'm good.

Look, I-l just came down here
'cause I want to tell you

about something terrible that's
going on in my neighborhood.

Well, tell me.

Well, actually, watch this.

Come on, I whistled.
That's when you...

Oh, never mind.

Look, someone in your department

shut down a residential care
facility in my neighborhood

and threw everybody out
on the street.

Now, I'm here 'cause I want
something done about it.

Wow... you sound pretty upset.

Well, I am, you know.

I've been on the phone
all afternoon

calling every city agency
I can think of,

and all I got was the typical
bureaucratic runaround.

Well, that's terrible.

You shouldn't have been treated
like that.

Oh. Well, at least you see that.

Well, of course I do.

Oh, good. Then you'll help me?

Oh, dear, no.

Look, may-maybe you didn't
understand me.

No, I understood you perfectly.

You discovered
a social injustice,

and as a concerned citizen,

you've come to your government
to demand some action.

Exactly.

Yeah, well,
it's not gonna happen.

But that look on your face,
oh, that took me back.

What was that,
righteous indignation?

I used to feel like that

when I first started
working here 42 years ago.

Yeah, look...

You've been
in this office 42 years?

Yeah. Same desk.

Same fake plant. Same window.

- Doesn't open. None of them do.
-Yeah, well...

Otherwise, we'd all jump out.

But you were saying?

Yeah, I-l told you. I...

Look, either reopen the facility

or make some arrangements
to take care of these people.

And I told you, I can't help.

But you're the deputy secretary
of Social Services.

It's just a title.

Oh... Damn it. Look. Listen...

you're in charge here,
you're responsible.

You work for the city.

You're not listening.
I can't help.

Nobody can help.

That facility

is not going to reopen,
and I'll tell you why.

There is no money.

There's no money because

the federal government
cut taxes,

which is all anybody seems
to care about anymore.

That means less money
for the state.

Which means less money
for the city,

which means
we had to cut services,

which means fewer cops,
fewer firemen,

bad air, bad water
and crappy schools,

which will turn out
yet another generation of voters

who are too stupid and greedy

to think about anything else
besides cutting taxes!

So don't you come in here and
tell me to fix your problem,

because there's not a damn thing
I can do about it!

Where did that come from?

So, uh, what I'm getting here
is, you're not going to help me.

No, no.

Can't you just call the mayor?

Uh-uh.

Fire off an angry e-mail?

I don't think so.

Look, I came down here
with all these people.

If I leave with nothing, I'm
going to look like a jackass.

I'm sorry, I can't help you.

He's the one
with the ice cream!

Make a note, will you, Margaret?

Next time I think
I can change anything

or make this city
a better place,

do me a favor and just shoot me.

Well, that might make this city
a better place.

So, you weren't able
to help those people?

Oh, I don't know.

I got a shelter
in Queens to take a few,

and the rest I dropped off

on the steps
of a Methodist church,

rang the bell and ran.

What's going on? Jake told me
to come on over here.

- What's with all the glasses?
-Jake told me to put them out.

He told us all to meet him here.
It's like some big mystery.

- There he is.
-Jake, come on.

- What's going on? -We're all
here. What's this about?

Well, uh, I wanted to talk
to you about my nana's money.

I knew it. You pissed it away
on the eye surgery.

I hope the first thing
you see are my tears.

Relax, the money's not gone,
I put it in T-bills,

but I did keep a little bit out

to share with the people
who are closest to me.

Oh, Jake, that's sweet,
but it's your money.

You should keep it for yourself.

Hey, hey, let the man talk,
will you?

What's in that box?

Oh, God, please don't tell me
that's Nana's ashes.

Relax.
Now, when I was in high school,

I worked as a busboy in
this French restaurant, right?

Now, one night,
this guy comes in.

He orders a $500 bottle of wine.

That was the coolest thing
I ever saw.

Yep, all I could think was,
"if I ever get any money,

I'm gonna see
what that tastes like."

- Oh...
-Oh, my God.

- That cost $500?
-Wow!

Anybody curious?

You're damn right.

Yeah!

All right, who would like
to do the honors?

- Oh, not me. I'd be too nervous.
-Oh, no.

- Oh, give me that.
-All right.

Linda, be careful.

I got it all under control.

You sure you know
what you're doing there?

Please, my parents
are rich alcoholics.

I can do this in my sleep.

- Oh...
-Wow.

- All right.
-All right, here we go.

Oh, my-

- Are we ready?
-Thank you.

- In a second.
-Okay.

Oh, look at that, will you?

All right.

Now, uh, my nana
always said, uh,

"A man is not measured
by the money in his pocket,

but by the friends at his side."

If that's true,
I'm a very wealthy man.

- Oh, Jake.
-Cheers.

'Cause long as you have friends
you're never really alone.

- Okay. That's right.
-All right.

'Cause as long as you
have friends by your...

Jake!

Enjoy.

- Uh, wait, wait, wait.

I'm sorry.
Th-This doesn't feel right

drinking this expensive wine
with this guy sitting over here.

Huh? Oh, yeah, all right.

Let's all face this way. Here.

Oh, stop it. Now, we should
share this with him. Jake?

Yeah, sure. Why not?

Excuse me,
would you like some wine?

Like he's gonna say no.

All right, then, well, uh,
to old friends and...?

Norman.

To old friends and Norman.

- Hear, hear.
-Cheers.

Oh, that tastes awful!

Tastes like vinegar.

Demure,
yet delicate and playful.