Original subtitles

- Planetarians and metorianes,

I have summoned this special meeting of space congress

because once again we are having trouble

on planet earth.

- Earth, which planet is that, oh great one?

- For the benefit of those who

are not familiar with this sector,

planet earth has its orbit cycle in outer galaxy four.

The earthlings on two islands,

beatland and baladisle are again in conflict.

It is essential that we resolve this dispute immediately,

othennise it could lead to a further intergalactic upheaval.

Yalda, yalda.

- Yalda.

- It is agreed then, that we delegate

a metorian ambassador to visit earth

and resolve this conflict?

Dagreeably, dagreebly, dagreebly.

Thank you, planetarians and metorians,

I knew you would share my views.

I have instructed the space committee of the milky way

who are even now preparing a list

of all the inter-planetary ambassadors.

The ambassador from southern space.

- On great galaxian, it's my sad duty

to report that the only metorian ambassador

not at present on space leave or project is Wilco Roger.

- Wilco Roger?

Oh no!

He is the only one, are you sure?

- Yes sir, oh great one, he's the only one.

- Oh no, it must be a mistake.

Run a double check immediately.

- We've already trebled-checked.

Why shucks, oh g-o, when Wilco Roger's name

came out of the personnel computer,

we had the robots double-check the machines.

You did?

We did.

Why we even double—checked the robots.

- You did?

I mean you did?

Well, let me see his record card.

What a disastrous record.

Reprimanded for keeping goldfish in his space helmet.

Reduced to the ranks for running pleasure flights

for children in his duty spaceship.

Disgraceful.

- And there was the occasion when he fell in love

with the three-headed vonusian beauty queen.

- Yes, we”, we won't go into that particular case

at the moment.

| have never come across a worse record.

How, how can we send a man like this

on such an important mission?

- It is true, oh great galaxian

that Wilco Roger has caused us

more than his fair share of trouble,

but as the situation is desperate,

should we not give him one more change?

- Hmm, well, it's against my betterjudgement, mind you,

but one last chance then, agreed?

Dagreebly.

- Dagreebly. - But,

let it be understood that failure this time

means exile, exile on planet gonk.

Metorian ambassador Wilco Roger to report

to central space headquarters, immediately, immediately.

- You sent for me, oh great galaxian?

- Wilco Roger, you have fallen far

below the universal standards required

for metorian ambassadors.

You have stumbled and bungled your way

through every assignment on all previous projects

allocated to you.

- But, but, but...

- But? - But...

But, I have decided

to give you one final chance to redeem yourself.

- I promise that I will not fail you this time,

- oh great one. - Don't interrupt.

- But you are a great one.

- Don't interrupt.

You will proceed to planet earth

to settle a dispute which has arisen

between the communities of beatland and balladisle.

- Oh no, not that.

Not down there amongst all those madmen.

- Oh Wilco, it's earth or planet gonk.

- Oh no, sir, not planet gonk.

I always said those earthlings were very nice people.

A wonderfully cultured race, too.

It's a great, great honour, sir.

I'm proud to be entrusted

with such an important mission, oh great one.

Well, I'd better be off then.

- Wilco, your instructions.

- I am sorry, oh great one.

- It is your duty to see that these two communities

are brought rapidly to an amicable agreement.

It is imperative that they live in complete Harmony.

- Yes, I understand.

- I hope so, Wilco, for your sake.

I must also warn you that you are not at Liberty

to use the super-extra-planetary powers

entrusted to our people.

- No miracles, oh great one?

- Wilco, remember this is your last chance.

Your powers are forbidden you,

except in the gravest emergency

such as to conceal you identity.

The inhabitants of these two islands

must reach agreement naturally,

completely of their own free will.

Those instructions must be rigidly adhered to

or there will be dire consequences.

Now Wilco, blast off!

- Oh, beatland, good.

Oh.

Earth instructions.

Good.

On arrival in beatland

Exchange space clothing for earth gear.

Oh good, that's more like it.

- Ooh, well what a strange garb.

Earth gear

Well, I never.

I feel a right pixie in this.

Cool.

- Now, if you will turn to page 24

in your beat books, we'll try a run-through.

Ready?

One, two, one, two, three, four.

J” well I was standing on the corner waiting to go home j”

j” when I heard this sound that made me wanna roam j”

j” well it was coming from a dance hall across the street j”

j” it was kind of stomping with an r and b beat j”

j”itwentaj”

harmonica.

J” oh well I walked across and I stepped inside j”

j” there was a whole load of places j”

j” where a fellow could hide j”

j” but a dim light shining on a wooden bandstand j”

j” harmonica was playing with an r and b band j”

j” oh yeah j”

J” well I was standing on the corner waiting to go home j”

j” when I heard this sound that made me wanna go j”

j” well it was coming from a dance hall across the street j”

j” it was kind of stomping with a r and b beat j”

j” it was a tenor j”

j'ohj'

J” oh well I walked across and I stepped inside j”

j” there was whole load of places where a fellow could hide j”

j” from a dim light shining on a wooden bandstand j”

j” harmonica was playing with a r and b band j”

j'ohj'

- Quiet, quiet!

All right, all right.

Now, let's tear it up.

You're just not with it yet.

Now, what's the matter with you?

- Who me, sir?

- How many times have I told you,

turn up your amplifier?

Next time I want to hear those big, big sounds

that bring the coconuts down.

Really blast it and let those balladisle squares

across the water hear it.

Dig?

- Dig, sir, dig.

It's the same with you, ginger,

you're not playing in a chamber quartet.

This is beat.

Don't worry about splitting your skins,

they can be replaced.

And so can you.

And as for you, Beau brummel bond.

- Who me, sir?

- Yes, you.

Your diction's nearly as sharp as your cloths.

I distinctly understood three words in the second chorus.

How many times have I told you,

mumble man, mumble, mumble.

Why don't you pull those shades down

around your mouth and see if that helps.

Now.

Hey you.

You boy, there.

Why aren't you at band practise?

- Me, you mean me?

- Of course I mean you.

I'm not in the habit of talking to palm trees.

I'm sorry.

I was just going.

I can't stop now.

- Did he say going?

No, that's what I call gone.

Real gone.

- Ooh, that was close.

Now where am I?

Balladisle.

Oh yes, it's much more restful here than beatland.

Ooh, I better go and see what's happening.

- A beatlander.

Come on, fellows, grab him.

Quick over here, there he goes, come on.

Come on quickly, come on.

Quick over here.

Quick there he goes.

Over here, quick fellas.

Over this way, come on.

Quickly, there he goes.

Where'd he go?

Now I don't see him.

- Restful indeed.

I'd betterjettison this gear.

Please change the clobber.

Ooh yes.

Oh yes, this is much more in keeping.

J” you ask me to set you free j”

j” then you said goodbye to me j”

j” my heart was hurt all through, oh yeah j”

j” because I still love you j”

j” I picked up the pieces at once j”

j” I thought I might find a new chance j”

j” so many girls pass me by j”

j” oh yeah, I gave them away like a toy j”

j” now you'll find those broken pieces j”

j” spread all over the town j”

j” those hurting, hurting pieces j”

j” belong to more than just one j”

j” now you'll find those broken pieces j”

j” spread all over town j”

j” those hurting pieces of a broken heart j”

j” belong to more than one j”

j” now you want me back again j”

j” but darling it can't be the same j”

j” I threw my heart away, oh yeah j”

j” a new start with you would be a lie j”

j” now you'll find those broken pieces j”

j” spread all over town j”

j” those hurting pieces of a broken heart j”

j” belong to more than one j”

- Oh yes, yes, now that was much better, wasn't it?

In fact, just wonderful.

Oh, but Lance.

That was perhaps just a little too heavy on the keyboard.

You will watch that next time, won't you?

You know, you really must get a haircut, Derek.

You're beginning to look like someone from beatland.

If it gets much longer,

people will be mistaking you for brigitte bardot.

- Yes ma'am.

- Oh well, no.

Perhaps you've a bit to go yet before that happens.

Now we mustn't forget the lilt, elain.

It's oh yeah, oh yeah,

a sweetly and gently, sweetly and gently.

Well now, that seems to be all for today.

Pack your instruments and don't forget your homework.

Off you go.

- Hmm, where do we go from here?

- Hey, Alan.

You know it's less than a week now

to the golden guitar contest?

- Hey, how about sneaking over to recording mountain

and finding out what sounds Mr. A&r

is looking for this year?

What?

Man, you wouldn't catch me anywhere near that place

without an invitation, not even if you got me

in the top 10.

- Yeah, I suppose you're right.

Anyway, old a&r is bound to spot us

as soon as we set foot in echo chamber

and that means no contest for us this year.

- This might be a lead.

Yes, oh I'll just pop over and see this a&r chap,

he might solve my problems.

All right, Wilco, here we go.

Blast off.

Who dares to enter the echo chamber of a&r?

- Name of Wilco Roger, sir.

I've come to ask your help.

In that case, welcome my boy, welcome.

Well don't just stand there, come forward

and let's have a look at you.

Up here, my lad, up here.

That will do.

- Are you Mr. A&r?

I am indeed he.

- You must excuse me for asking

but I am a stranger here, you see.

It's a very unusual name you have,

has it any special significance?

Well it so happens that I am the sole survivor

of a race of people who used to be employed

throughout the world by businesses

known as recording companies.

We were officially called artist and repertoire managers,

or a&r men for short.

Alas, most of the traditions associated

with that profession have long since died out

but I still keep my hand in

by writing the odd b side of a record, you know.

Oh, I see, how very interesting.

Yes quite.

Now then, what can I do for you?

- Well, I've been sent here

by the space congress of the universe

to settle this dispute between the balladisle and beatland.

It seems that they cannot,

musically, live together and I was wondering

if you could possibly put me into the picture as to causes.

Ah, I thought I hadn't seen you around here before.

- It's quite possible, I haven't been here before.

Well basically, the argument arises

because as you say, they both prefer

different types of music.

On beatland it's all wild and swinging beat stuff,

while balladisle prefers the softer, swaying music.

- Hmm, well it all seems simple enough to me.

That's true, what did you say your name was again?

- Uh, Wilco, sir, Wilco Roger.

That's an unusual name, Wilco.

I used to know a fellow named Roger once,

he was a very strange sort of chap.

- Excuse me, sir,

if you would just tell me about the dispute on the islands.

- Ah yes, gaze into the golden disc

and I will show you the scene on beatland.

Just listen to the soft wind blowing through the trees,

The gentle twittering of the birds filling the air.

Just listen to those idyllic sounds, my boy,

as you gaze into the golden disc.

Those were beatland boys rehearsing

for the golden guitar contest.

- Rehearsing?

What must it be like when they have a performance?

The golden guitar contest?

- Mm-hmm.

Once a year, the top groups from each island

compete for a golden guitar and this is the one time

of the year that I reveal my face,

however considering who sent you, my lad,

I feel that I ought to break my rule.

You needn't have bothered.

Really.

Now then, about this contest.

Whichever group wins, also gets a world tour,

culminating in a starring performance

on Sunday night at the London pallodium,

an old-fashioned television type show.

- Oh, swinging.

- Unfortunately, this is another major cause

of the trouble.

- Dodgy.

It is indeed.

- Hmm, well I must say, all seems to me

to be a perfectly wonderful thing

to happen to anybody.

- It's wonderful indeed for the winners,

but the losers have all their instruments

and equipment confiscated until eight weeks

before the next contest.

- What a carve-up.

- I couldn't agree more with you, my boy,

as a matter of fact, I've declared the contest a draw

for the past three years to try to keep some order,

but this only seems to make them even more bitter.

- Oh yes, it does indeed, they're quite bitter.

I've been down amongst them just for a brief spell

and they're very bitter about it.

They think it's a right cheat, you know,

like having their instruments taken away from them, you see?

How are they going to be able to rehearse

to win the contest, it impossible,

but I must admit I thoroughly concur with them.

- There you are, you see my problem.

- Oh indeed.

It all looks quite hopeless, doesn't it?

I'm afraid it's planet gonk for me after all.

- Planet gonk?

What on earth is that?

- Oh, Mr. A&r, it's like nothing on earth.

It's completely out of this world.

It's the Siberia of outer space.

There, there, my boy, don't cry.

Excuse me, boy, shouldn't you be dabbing your eyes?

- Oh no,

everything's quite different where I come from.

- I see what you mean, yes.

Well now,

Where were we?

Oh yes, let's take a look at balladisle, shall we?

You'll notice that most of their rehearsals

take place at night because they've been troubled

with a lot of spies from beatland recently.

It's all most distressing.

Now, gaze into the golden disc.

- Here we go again.

J” love is a dream j”

j” love is a dream j”

j” like the murmuring breeze j”

j” softly stirring the trees j”

j” comes a whispering sigh j”

j” love is a dream j”

j” like a moonbeam at night j”

j” it will fade in the light j”

j” and tomorrow we'll cry j”

j” love is a dream j”

j” that can never be true j”

j” you may have imagined it j”

j” moonlight has fashioned it for you j”

j” like a tale that is told j”

j” of a mountain of gold j”

j” on the moon high above j”

j” love is a dream j”

j” so my darling let's dream j”

j” our dream of love j”

j” that can never be true j”

j” you may have imagined it j”

j” moonlight has fashioned it for you j”

j” like a tale that is told j”

j” of a mountain of gold j”

j” on the moon high above j”

j” love is a dream j”

j” so my darling let's dream j”

j” our dream of love j”

- Well, there you are.

You've seen both sides in action.

It's quite a problem, isn't it?

- Hmm, what a mess.

How are we ever going to get them together?

Wait a moment, I think I've got an idea.

Yes.

On my trip to earth I had a computer run-down

on the history of this planet.

It told me that there was a famous writer of yours

from the past, what was his name, shake, shake.

- Shakespeare?

- He shook something or other.

Shakespeare, yes, that was it.

- How does he get into this movie?

- Ah, he doesn't, not Shakespeare himself,

it was his story, what was it now,

it was called,

Romeo and Juliet.

Yes.

Let us try the old angle, boy meets girl.

Love, oh,

love conquers all, yes?

Now have you a couple of reasonably minded kids

who might fit these parts?

- I think you might have something there, Wilco.

I think I know the ideal couple,

they're just made for each other and great singers, too.

Come along, let's have a look, shall we?

Gaze into the golden disc.

- When we get ashore, we separate.

Shh.

Les and Bob, you take the West Side.

We'll take the centre.

- What's the plan, Steve?

- Get as many of their new sounds as possible on tape.

Kodak all the equipment in sight,

and don't forget the sheet music,

if you can get close enough.

- What happens if we hit trouble?

- Three blasts on the whistle,

then head back for the boats, all clear?

All clear.

- Right, synchronise your watches.

Okay, let's go.

Hold it, it's a patrol.

- Hey fellows, did you see those crazy cops?

- Oh officer, arrest me please.

- All right, all right.

- Who said crime doesn't pay?

- Okay, okay, now let's get on with it.

Remember, back here in two hours and be careful.

- Okay, let's go.

J” love made me die for you j”

yeah, that's great.

Hey, by the way, kev, according to this,

they're keeping Lulu and the lovers right to the end.

Should be a knock-out.

- Yeah, you're right there, Alan,

beatland can't touch that.

Hey kev, how about going

through those last four bars of love is a dream?

Not quite sure of the finish,

it's a bit off.

Great, Alan, great.

Spies, spies, get him.

Spies.

- There he goes, get him.

Quick over here.

- Listen to the alarm.

- Come on, Steve, come on!

Come on!

Bobby, get back, go, go!

- Where's Steve?

- He got captured, we'd better get back

to beatland straight away.

The others have got away.

- Well at least we've got one of them.

- Better get him to the night court right away.

And bring along that tape recorder and camera for evidence.

Come on.

- On reflection, don't you think your sentence

is a trifle severe, Mr. Prime minister?

- Who asked you?

We have heard the evidence of the arresting officers

and other witnesses to your despicable conduct.

Such disgraceful violation of our territory

cannot and will not go unpunished.

Have you anything to say before I pass sentence?

- What can I say, my lord.

I was only doing my duty for beatland.

- That'll be enough out of you.

Now, now let me see,

you're one of beatland's leading vocalists, aren't you?

Hmm.

Well I can kill two birds with one stone here

by punishing you and keeping you out

of the contest at the same time.

I hereby sentence you to 28 days in the drum prison.

No!

- That's not fair, you haven't even given him a chance.

- Silence, silence!

Any more of this and I'll have the place cleared.

Won't I?

Yeah.

- How could you, father?

That's the most unfair sentence you've ever given.

We don't have to take advantage of beatland in that way.

- Silence, Helen!

Just remember this, that all is fair in love and war,

and I intend to see that we win this contest this year

at all costs.

- But the usual sentence for spying

is only seven days maximum.

- That's enough, young lady.

I will not tolerate this behaviour any longer.

I'll deal with you later.

Take him away.

- Thanks very much for trying.

Beatland will walk the contest anyway.

- Silence!

Any more out of you and I'll make it three months.

Go on, get rid of him.

Silence, silence!

Any other business?

No, my lord.

- — Eh? - No, my lord.

- Oh, might as well pack it in then.

- Silence in court, all rise for his lordship,

chiefjustice, prime minister.

- The new prisoner, drum master.

What's that, what did you say?

- Speak up! - The new prisoner, sir.

- Oh you've brought the new prisoner.

Good.

Let's have a look at him.

Stand up straight!

You can throw away those curlers for a start, my lad.

We'll soon have this one off in the morning.

And get that muck off your face right away.

No slovenliness allowed in my prison, do you hear?

- Yes, sir. - Don't answer back.

Right, here is your quota for the night,

5,000 paradiddles,

3,000 cymbal clashes,

and 4,000 base drum beats.

Got it?

Right, get on with it.

Prisoner and escort, about turn, quick march.

Left, right, left, right, left,

step lively and close that door.

I'll liven you up, you dosey man.

Behave yourself.

- Get on with it.

- Hey, how long have you been in here, old timer?

- Three years, and not so of the old timer,

if you don't mind, I'm only 23.

It's this place, it gets you, you know.

- What did you do, murder somebody?

- No, no, much worse than that.

I was caught selling old Beatles

and Presley discs to the kids.

- Get a move on in there.

It's not a tea party you're on.

Right, double tempo from now on,

boom, boom, boom—ity, boom.

Hey.

- Hey.

- Hey.

- Hey.

- Look les, just how are we suppose

to make the golden guitar contest without Steve?

- Well don't worry about it, Bob, we'll manage somehow.

Shall we see if we can manage the vocals by ourselves?

- Okay, let's hit it, one, two, three, four.

J” everybody loves you j”

j” I can see it by the way you walk j”

j” everybody loves you j”

j” I can hear it when you talk j”

j” well everything will be all right j”

j” if I could see you every night j”

j” but I know you know love is a funny thing j”

j” love is a funny thing j”

j” I just can't understand it j”

j” love is a funny thing j”

j” it's never how you planned it j”

j” everybody's talking j”

j” everywhere I go j”

j” everybody tells me j”

j” you know there's something you ought to know j”

j” you've been running around j”

j” you've been seen all over town j”

j” but I know you know love is a funny thing j”

j” love is a funny thing j”

j” I just can't understand it j”

j” love is a funny thing j”

j” it's never how you planned it j”

J” love is a funny thing j”

j” I just can't understand it j”

j” love is a funny thing j”

j” it's never how you planned it j”

j” every time I call you j”

j” and it takes you to the phone j”

j” and even when I see you j”

j” you know we never get a minute alone j”

j” well everything will be all right j”

j” if I could see you every night j”

j” but I know you know love is a funny thing j”

j” love is a funny thing j”

j” I just can't understand it j”

j” love is a funny thing j”

j” it's never how you planned it j”

j” love is a funny thing j”

j” well don't you know it now j”

j” love is a funny thing j”

j” I'm gonna tell you, yeah j”

j” love is a funny thing j”

Uncle, uncle, ooh, ooh.

- Hello, my dear.

- Hello, uncle, I heard you were working late

so I brought you some supper.

I brought you some wine.

That is kind of you.

- Here you are.

And some sandwiches and some fruit.

- You really shouldn't have bothered

to come all the way out here.

- Well I must admit, I did hope to have a look

at my group's new drum kit.

Is it ready for the contest yet?

- So that's your game, my girl.

Well I haven't forgotten about it.

As a matter of fact, I've got the new prisoner

on overtime right now breaking it in.

- Looks marvellous.

Do you think it'll be ready in time?

- Oh yes, you don't have to worry about that.

These late nights don't do me any good.

I could sleep for a week.

- Good, it worked.

That should keep you quiet for a bit.

- What's the matter? - Shh, I've come

to get you out of here.

- Quickly. - I don't understand.

- I'll explain it all later, come with me.

Quickly, in here.

We should be safe here for a while.

I suppose I'd better introduce myself,

my name's Helen, yours is Steve, isn't it?

- Right first time.

And thanks for getting me out of there.

Why did you do it?

- I feel partly responsible

as it was my father who sentenced you.

- Your father?

Boy, he's a toughy.

- Oh he's not really so bad

when you get to know him.

He's all worked up about the contest

and all the rivalry between the islands

is getting on his nerves, too.

- Well I'm with him there,

all this quarrelling amongst ourselves,

it's so unnecessary.

- Oh quickly, they must have found uncle.

I put some sleeping powder in his wine.

Now they'll start searching the whole island for you.

We keep the boats in the trees over there,

come with me, this way.

Where do we go from here?

- Well we can't go to beatland,

they'd arrest me on the spot.

I know, recording mountain.

- We can't go there, no one is allowed

into echo chamber until the day of the contest.

- If we land on the far side of the mountain

we can make our way to echo chamber without being seen.

Besides, Mr. A&r is bound to be asleep by this time.

- I suppose you're right, no one will think

of looking for us there.

Come on, let's go.

Oh.

Isn't it scary, Steve?

- Isn't the most cheerful place I've seen.

Come on, sit down.

Chances are Mr. A&r won't see us even if he's about.

- Now what?

- Well I suppose we stay here until the morning

and decide what to do next.

- But Mr. A&r will be sure to find us in the morning.

- Well, we'll worry about that when the time comes.

You know we were talking about all this trouble

between the islands, there's no reason

why you and I shouldn't get together

and enjoy each other's music.

- That would be great.

In fact, I enjoyed quite a lot of the beatland music

at the concert last year.

Mind you, I daren't show it.

- Well that goes for me, too.

Some of your numbers were great.

There was one in particular, it was real gear.

Do you remember, it goes like this.

J” Patience can be such a virtue j”

j” but in waiting I may hurt you j”

j” so I better go ahead and say j”

j” I just fell in love with you today j”

j” don't think it's too soon to tell you j”

j” what good's telling once it fell through j”

j” I can't wait until my head turns grey j”

j” I just fell in love with you today j”

j” I believe in one revealing what they're feeling inside j”

j” doesn't matter if you're clever j”

j” this you never can hide j”

j” so I'll take the chance j”

j” it won't annoy you or upset you j”

j” but I feel that I must let you know j”

j” that I have simply got to say j”

j” I just fell in love with you today j”

J” so I'd better go ahead and say j”

j” I just fell in love with you today j”

J” I can't wait until my head turns grey j”

j” I just fell in love with you today j”

j” I believe in one revealing j”

j” what they're feeling inside j”

j” doesn't matter if you're clever j”

j” this you can never hide j”

j” so I'll take the chance j”

j” it won't annoy you or upset you j”

j” but I feel that I must let you know j”

j” that I have simply got to say j”

j” I just fell in love with you today j”

- That was great, Steve.

You really know how to handle a ballad.

- Thank you kindly, ma'am.

- See if you like this.

A one, two, three, four.

J” I'll give a penny for your thoughts j”

j” to find out exactly what is on your mind j”

j” mm-hmm, maybe your are thinking of me j”

j” I'll give a penny for your thoughts j”

j” to know if I'm still the one that you love so j”

j” mm-hmm, baby are you thinking of me j”

j” you have such a handsome head, I'm stroking it j”

j” many have tried, what I'd like to know instead is j”

j” just what going on inside j”

j” I'll give a penny for your thoughts j”

j” to see if you really are in love with me j”

j” mm-hmm, baby, what's the answer to be j”

j” are you thinking of me j”

J” you have such a handsome head, I'm stroking it j”

j” many have tried, what I'd like to know instead is j”

j” just what's going on inside j”

j” I'll give a penny for your thoughts j”

j” to see if you really are in love with me j”

j” mm-hmm, baby, what's the answer to be j”

j” are you thinking of me j”

j” what's the answer to be j”

j” are you thinking of me j”

- great, you're pretty good yourself.

Do you wanna join my group?

- Oh, thanks, now that we've formed

a mutual admiration society,

we better start making plans for tomorrow.

Sorry, I'm so tired.

- She didn't even say good night.

- Good night.

- I don't know whether either of you're interested

in getting on.

If you're interested in getting in the cabinet,

I know of a safe seat, it's not far away.

- Prime minister.

Sir.

Fred.

- Fred. - How many times

have I told you not to come in here

while I'm chatting up the cabinet.

- When I woke up, Helen was gone.

- What are you talking about?

- I'm sorry but I didn't have a chance.

About six of them jumped me from behind,

they smashed me on the cymbal,

and knocked me peril from underneath me.

I was knocked unconscious by the seven of them.

- You just said Helen was there, what happened to her?

- Oh I don't know.

When I regained consciousness, both Helen

and the prisoner and the eight others had gone.

- Are you trying to tell me she's been kidnapped?

- Yes, that's it, she's been kidnapped by all nine of them.

- Take your filthy hands off.

- We've covered the whole island, sir,

not a sign of them anywhere.

One of the boats is missing,

so it looks as if they'd escaped to beatland.

- And taken my Helen with them.

Well, they won't get away with it.

I'll teach them a lesson they won't forget,

this means war!

- That's a bit strong, isn't it?

- Well of course it's strong, oh blimey, right.

Check the boats, alert the groups,

make a fresh issue of guitars.

We invade beatland at dawn.

Off you go, come back here when you're ready.

Hup.

Alert all patrols, sound the alarm.

- What is it, Steve?

- I don't know, I thought I heard a bugle call.

- Good morning, I thought you'd never wake up.

Come forward, I'd like to talk to you.

- We didn't mean any harm, Mr. A&r.

- We've run away and this was the only safe place to hide.

- I know, I know.

But don't be afraid, I was hoping you would come up here.

Oh by the way, I'd like you to meet my friend, Wilco Roger.

Now then, let's get dow to business.

Wilco and I think we have the answer

to all this feuding between the islands,

but we'll need your help to make the plan work.

- Well you can count on us.

- Yes, we'll do anything we can to help.

- Good, good, I knew you'd see it that way.

Now then, this is what we've got to do.

- What's that?

- Quickly, gaze into the golden disc.

- Well done.

Hey.

Whew.

Button up.

Well done.

That's a dirty note, get it cleaned.

Get it cut.

Right.

- Once more unto the beach, dear friends, once more.

And let us teach them how to war.

And you good musicians whose limbs were made in balladisle,

show us here the mettle of your posture.

Let us swear that you are of good breeding,

which I doubt not, for there are none of you

so mean and base that hath not noble lustre in the eyes.

I see you like the guitar strings,

finely tuned, straining upon the note.

The Baton is down.

Follow your spirit and upon this charge cry,

balladisle for songdom, Helen, and prime minister.

- I can't stay here, I've got to go

and see if I can stop them.

- Yes, let's get down there right away.

- No, not you, you stay here with Mr. Wilco

and a&r, you'll be safer.

- Nonsense, Steve, if you're going, I'm coming too.

- Steve, it'll take both of you to stop this, now hurry.

Oh, what a mess it's all become.

- Yes, I shall have to go and buy a dictionary,

English into gonk.

- Stop it.

Stop it.

Stop this madness - Steve.

- Before it's too late.

Stop!

- Stop it! - You're spoiling everything.

- Helen, Helen, are you all right?

- Yes, nevermind me, do something

about stopping this battle.

- Stop it?

I want to show beatland they can't get away

with what they did to you and your uncle.

- They've done nothing, I drugged uncle's wine

and I helped Steve to escape.

- You did what?

You mean to say this is all a mistake?

- Yes.

Now please stop this battle before it's too late.

- I'll have something to say to you

when I've straightened out this mess.

Now, go straight home and wait there

until I return, go on!

Goom

Cease playing.

Cease playing.

- That's no excuse, how dare you assume

that we kidnapped your daughter?

Now what do you propose to do

about my brother, Steve, and Helen?

- As for as I'm concerned,

I intend to punish her severely.

She will not take part in the golden guitar contest

and I'll make it my business she will never see Steve again.

- Right, that's okay with me,

and as far as Steve and I are concerned,

if we never see you or your daughter again,

it'll be too soon.

- Right, well it's just as well we had the same,

I feel that you, we've, uh, ooh good, yuck.

J” is it a crime my loving you j”

j” spending my time in loving you j”

j” why should they keep us so far apart j”

j” when we belong together j”

j” wish you were here, I miss you so j”

j” what is the good of wishing though j”

j” they'll try to stop us meeting again j”

j” they'll try in vain, 'cause I love you j”

j” is it wrong to do what I long to do j”

j” spend the rest of my life just loving you j”

j” though they may pretend that our love will end j”

j” we both know that it will always be a true love j”

j” though I'm a sad and lonely one j”

j” want you to know my only one j”

j” if I should never see you again j”

j” I'll spend the rest of my life loving you j”

j” loving you j”

J” is it a crime my loving you j”

j” spending my time in loving you j”

j” why should they keep us so far apart j”

j” when we belong together j”

j” wish you were here, I miss you so j”

j” what is the good of wishing though j”

j” they'll try to stop us meeting again j”

j” they'll try in vain, 'cause I love you j”

j” is it wrong to do what I long to do j”

j” spend the rest of my life just loving you j”

j” though they may pretend that our love will end j”

j” we both know that it will always be a true love j”

j” though I'm a sad and lonely one j”

j” want you to know my only one j”

j” if I should never see you again j”

j” I'll spend the rest of my life loving you j”

j” loving you j”

j” is it wrong to do what I long to do j”

j” spend the rest of my life just loving you j”

j” though they may pretend that our love will end j”

j” we both know that it will always be a true love j”

j” though I'm a sad and lonely one j”

j” want you to know my only one j”

j” if I should never see you again j”

j” I'll spend the rest of my life loving you j”

j” loving you j”

j” loving you j”

j” loving you j”

- things couldn't be worse, a&r.

Helen and Steve barred from the contest.

That put an end to our little scheme.

- Oh, don't worry, Wilco,

things may not be as bad as they seem.

- Oh, but the great galaxion,

he'll know that I've failed by this time

and you know what that means to me.

- Oh well, try to get some sleep, my boy.

I'm sorry I can't offer you a bed

but I've never had a guest before.

Oh well, good night, Wilco,

perhaps things will look better in the morning.

- Good night, a&r, I hope you're right.

Oh yeah.

On I'll get myself a bed.

No wonder he's never had a guest.

I've got the answer.

I'll arrange a little surprise

with a&r at the golden guitar contest in the morning.

J” my friend all say that one fine day j”

j” I'll be the only one j”

j” oh they can't see that you're for me j”

j” and I'm the only one j”

j” well it takes a lot of precious time j”

j” but one of these days you'll be all mine j”

j” so shop around although I'm bound j”

j” to be the only one j”

j” come what may you're gonna see j”

j” that I'm the only one j”

j” take your time, make up your mind j”

j” that I'm the only one j”

j” there's a lot of things that I wanna say j”

j” but they'll just have to wait j”

j” until the day you send for me j”

j” and you agree that I'm the only one j”

j” that I'm the only one j”

j” I just want a minute of your time j”

j” I know you're very busy but I don't mind j”

j” we gotta be grown up so don't be blind j”

j” you know the only love you is all mine j”

j” so take my hand, it's all been planned j”

j” that I'm the only one j”

j” and if I'm wrong and we don't belong j”

j” I'll be the only one j”

j” the only one there is be to blame j”

j” but let's take a chance baby, it's all the same j”

j” so shut your eyes to your surprise j”

j” I'll be the only one j”

- Will the next group take the stage please.

- And the next group to represent beatland,

Mr. A&r, will be the Nashville teens.

And they're going to play poor boy.

- About time for me to leave now, isn't it?

- Yes, you'll be able to slip away

before this group starts playing.

J” poor boy fell in love j”

j” when he saw the lady drop her glove j”

j” poor boy gave it back j”

j” her lips were red and her eyes were black j”

j” poor boy all alone j”

j” took her hand and he walked her home j”

j” walked her home the longest way j”

j” and made a date by the very next day j”

j” poor boy took her out j”

j” took her out and he walked about j”

j” walked about and on his knee j”

j” he said to her will you marry me j”

j” poor boy didn't know one thing j”

j” on her finger was a golden ring j”

j” poor boy couldn't sleep j”

j” he couldn't drink and he couldn't eat j”

j” he couldn't drink one little drop j”

j” waiting for the thing to stop j”

j” poor boy what a shame j”

j” he never fell in love again j”

j” that's the way it had to be j”

j” I should know, that poor boy is me j”

J” poor boy didn't know one thing j”

j” on her finger was a golden ring j”

j” poor boy couldn't sleep j”

j” he couldn't drink and he couldn't eat j”

j” he couldn't drink one little drop j”

j” waiting for the thing to stop j”

j” poor boy what a shame j”

j” he never fell in love again j”

j” that's the way it had to be j”

j” I should know, that poor boy was me j”

- If you are watching, oh great galaxian,

this is an emergency.

What kept you?

- How did I get here?

I was just standing...

- Oh nevermind that now, we've got work to do.

There is no time for that old—fashioned nonsense.

Come on.

Are there any more contestants?

- No, Mr. A&r, that was our final entry.

- We have completed our programme too, Mr. A&r,

actually I would like you to of heard a group

I auditioned up north last week.

Joe soap and his larvers, they're just around the back.

Thank you, Mr. Prime minister.

- They've really got the bubble,

they're really with it.

- I could fetch 'em. - Yes, thank you, thank you.

I would like to take an unusual step this year.

As the result is again a draw,

I propose to submit my own entry to the contest,

and you shall be the judges.

- It's completely unethical.

- If I may say so, Mr. A&r, this is a trifle irregular.

You're chancing your army a bit ere, aren't you?

Silence!

- Well, it tis known that we find the groups

and you donate the accolades, isn't it?

- Silence!

If I have any further outbreaks of this nature,

you will both leave the echo chamber!

And now, I would like to present my entry

for the golden guitar contest, the beats ballad.

Helen and Steve will take the stage,

I will introduce my contest entry.

- But what do we play?

- You play this.

J” take a boy and a girl, they have each other j”

j” just can't recover, that's how it goes j”

j” boy dates the girl, think they're in clover j”

j” bad times are over, but everyone knows j”

j” takes two, takes two to make love j”

j” then they have their first row j”

j” looks like they'll break up j”

j” could be they'll make up, that's how it goes j”

j” soon they get wise, love ain't all roses j”

j” like some supposes, for everyone knows j”

j” takes two, takes two to make love j”

j” how love may surprise, open their eyes j”

j” but it's that old run around j”

j” each happy pair think that they share j”

j” secrets no others have found j”

j” so the boy takes the girl, they have each other j”

j” she has a mother, that's how it goes j”

j” he plays it smart, tells her we're grown up j”

j” it's time to own up 'cause everyone knows j”

j” take two, just two, you, me, we two j”

j” takes only two to make love j”

J” take a boy and a girl, they find each other j”

j” just can't recover, but that's how it goes j”

j” a boy dates 3 girl, think they're in clover j”

j” bad times are over, but everyone knows j”

j” takes two, takes two, takes two j”

j” takes two to make love j”

j” then they have their first row j”

j” looks like they'll break up j”

j” could be they'll make up, that's how it goes j”

j” soon they get wise, love ain't all roses j”

j” like some supposes, for everyone knows j”

j” takes two, takes two, takes two j”

j” takes two to make love j”

j” how love may surprise, open their eyes j”

j” but it's that old run around j”

j” each happy pair think that they share j”

j” secrets no others have found j”

j” so the boy takes the girl, they have each other j”

j” she has a mother, that's how it goes j”

j” he plays it smart, tells her we're grown up j”

j” it's time to own up 'cause everyone knows j”

j” takes two, yeah j”

j” takes two, you, me, we two j”

j” takes only two to make love j”

- A hit, a hit, a hit!

- Silence.

- Silence!

- Will both prime ministers step fonnard, please.

I hereby declare that the two islands

are from this day united,

and that they be known as musiciand,

and all forms of music will be welcome

without prejudice or restriction.

All right, everybody dance.

Play the music.

- Well, time for me to blast off, I'm afraid.

Ah.

- And thank you, Mr. A&r, for saving me

from a fate worse than, well, you know what.

- Delighted to help, my boy,

and I'm only sorry you can't stay around a while.

- Yes, I'd like to stay here, too, but duty calls.

But I'll be back.

- Where are you off to?

Jupiter, Venus?

- No, no, I think I'll go to Mars.

- Really?

- Well I haven't seen the old lady for some time.

Oh by the way, give my best to Helen and Steve,

when they get back to earth, will you?

- I will. - Thank you.

Well, goodbye Mr. A&r, I hope we meet again.

- Goodbye, my boy, and give my love to na.

Oh.

- What a groovy lad he is.

Oh, I forgot to present the prizes.