Original subtitles

♪ ♪

>> John: WELCOME, WELCOME,

WELCOME TO "LAST WEEK TONIGHT!"

WE'RE BACK!

WE'VE BEEN OFF FOR THREE MONTHS,

TRUMP WAS AWARDED THE FIRST-EVER

FIFA PEACE PRIZE, JUST WEEKS

BEFORE KIDNAPPING THE PRESIDENT

OF VENEZUELA.

THE LATEST BATCH OF EPSTEIN

>> John: WAIT, WHAT?

I MEAN, I GUESS HE'S RIGHT.

IT IS ACTUALLY WHOLE MILK, WITH

A W, NOT HOLE MILK, WHICH I KNOW

SOUNDS LIKE NONSENSE, BUT IS

ACTUALLY THE OFFICIAL BEVERAGE

BEVERAGE OF THE ABSOLUTELY REAL

NEW NETFLIX SHOW "DETECTIVE

HOLE."

STARRING... AND THIS IS TRUE...

"DETECTIVE HARRY HOLE."

APPARENTLY, IT'S BASED ON A

NORWEGIAN SERIES OF NOVELS, AND

IS SUPPOSED TO BE PRONOUNCED

"HOOL-AH," BUT RESPECTFULLY,

NAH, NORWAY.

IT'S PRONOUNCED HOLE.

AND THAT WAS JUST THE BEGINNING.

ZOHRAN MAMDANI WAS SWORN IN AS

NEW YORK MAYOR, ERIC ADAMS

LAUNCHED A MEME COIN THAT HE

SAID WOULD... AMONG OTHER THINGS

... THE DEPARTMENT OF THE

INTERIOR ANNOUNCED A NEW COAL

MASCOT CALLED "COALIE," WHICH

REALLY FELT LIKE AN ATTEMPT TO

BAIT US INTO COMING BACK EARLY.

IT WASN'T THE ONLY TIME WE WERE

TEMPTED TO DO THAT... BECAUSE

THERE WAS ALSO THE HEADLINE

"BELOVED WALRUS PENIS STOLEN

FROM NEW JERSEY CHEESESTEAK

ICON.

OWNER IS BLUBBERING MAD."

YOU DON'T THINK IF WE'D BEEN ON

AIR BACK THEN, WE'D HAVE TRACKED

DOWN THAT WALRUS PENIS AND

DONATED THE PROCEEDS TO DOCTORS

WITHOUT BORDERS OR SOMETHING?

ARE YOU NEW HERE?

OH, AND AT MISS UNIVERSE, ONE

CONTESTANT DID THIS.

>> NORWAY!

THIS SALMON-INSPIRED GOWN...

NORWAY'S LEADING EXPORT.

>> John: YEAH, THAT HAPPENED!

MISS NORWAY WORE THIS AS A

COSTUME.

AND I GUESS TO BE FAIR, IT DOES

SUM UP NORWAY NICELY IN AN

I MEAN, WHAT ELSE WAS SHE GOING

TO DRESS UP AS?

DETECTIVE HARRY HOLE?

BUT WAIT... I'M STILL NOT DONE.

BECAUSE THE WINTER OLYMPICS GOT

UNDERWAY, AND THERE'S ALREADY

BEEN LOTS OF INCREDIBLE ACTION

AS WELL AS SOME PERSONAL DRAMA

LIKE THIS.

>> IT WAS A CAREER DEFINING

MOMENT FOR BIATHLETE STURLA HOLM

LAEGREID, BUT IT'S WHAT HE SAID

NEXT THAT HE'LL BE REMEMBERED

FOR.

>> SIX MONTHS AGO I MET THE LOVE

OF MY LIFE.

THE WORLD'S MOST BEAUTIFUL,

WONDERFUL PERSON IN THE WORLD.

THREE MONTHS AGO I MADE THE

BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE.

I CHEATED ON HER.

>> John: WOW, THAT'S NOT THE

USUAL KIND OF DECLARATION OF

LOVE YOU SEE IN PUBLIC.

IT'S WHY STADIUM JUMBOTRONS

GENERALLY SAY THINGS LIKE, "WILL

YOU MARRY ME?"

AND NOT "SORRY I FUCKED YOUR

SISTER, ARE WE COOL?"

THE POINT IS, THAT GUY WON A

BRONZE MEDAL, THEN IMMEDIATELY

BEGGED FOR HIS EX-GIRLFRIEND OF

SIX MONTHS TO FORGIVE HIM, AND

SEEMED OPTIMISTIC AND MIGHT

WORK.

>> HE TOLD HIS COUNTRY AND THE

WORLD THAT HE'D RATHER COMMIT,

QUOTE, SOCIAL SUICIDE ON LIVE TV

IF IT MEANT A SMALL CHANCE OF

WINNING HER BACK.

>> TODAY I MADE THE CHOICE TO

TELL THE WORLD WHAT I DID.

MAYBE IT CAN HELP, I DON'T KNOW.

I HOPE THERE IS A HAPPY ENDING.

>> THERE'S NOT, AS YET.

>> John: OH, THERE IS DEFINITELY

A STATEMENT DECLINING TO

REUNITE, AND SAYING, "WE HAVE

HAD CONTACT AND HE IS AWARE OF

MY OPINIONS ON THIS."

A RESPONSE THAT COULD ONLY BE

MORE BRUTAL IF SHE DELIVERED IT

AFTER WINNING SILVER IN HIS

EVENT.

AND IF YOU'RE THINKING "WOW, THE

BIATHLON IS SURPRISINGLY MESSY,"

YOU CLEARLY KNOW NOTHING ABOUT

THE BIATHLON.

BECAUSE IT'S NOT EVEN THIS GUY'S

FIRST TIME CAUSING TROUBLE.

IN 2023 HE WAS BANNED FROM THE

BIATHLON WORLD CUP AFTER

ACCIDENTALLY, AND THIS IS TRUE,

SHOOTING HIS GUN IN THE TEAMS

HOTEL.

MEANWHILE, JULIA SIMON COMPETED

FOR FRANCE DESPITE THE FACT THAT

LAST OCTOBER AFTER SHE ADMITTED

TO STEALING THE CREDIT CARDS OF

HER TEAMMATE AND AN UNNAMED

FRENCH STAFFER, AND MAKING

$2,300 IN ONLINE PURCHASES.

SHE APPARENTLY SAID "I CAN'T

EXPLAIN IT.

I DON'T REMEMBER DOING IT.

I CAN'T MAKE SENSE OF IT."

AND I DON'T KNOW HOW THIS STORY

COULD GET ANY JUICIER, UNLESS

SHE TURNS OUT TO BE THE WOMAN

THAT GUY CHEATED ON HIS

GIRLFRIEND WITH.

BECAUSE AT THAT POINT, SOMEONE

PLEASE CALL ANDY COHEN, WE HAVE

A HIT NEW BRAVO SERIES ON OUR

HANDS.

BY THE WAY, SIMONE COMPETED AT

THE OLYMPICS THIS WEEK, AND

GUESS WHAT?

SHE WON FUCKING GOLD!

THE FRENCH CREDIT-CARD THIEF

WON GOLD!

YOU THINK I DON'T WANT TO TALK

ABOUT THE CHAOTIC ENERGY OF

OLYMPIC BIATHLETES FOR THE REST

OF THIS SHOW?

OF COURSE I DO!

IT'S ALL I WANT TO TALK ABOUT.

BUT SADLY, I CAN'T DO THAT,

BECAUSE... AND I THINK YOU KNOW

WHERE THIS IS GOING... WE HAVE

TO DIVE STRAIGHT IN WITH OUR

MAIN STORY THIS WEEK, WHICH

CONCERNS WHAT'S BEEN HAPPENING

IN MINNESOTA, FROM THE SURGE IN

IMMIGRATION RAIDS, TO THE

KILLINGS OF RENEE GOOD AND

ALEX PRETTI, TO THE MASSIVE

PROTESTS IN THE STREETS.

AND TO BE CLEAR... FOR ALL THIS

ADMINISTRATION'S TALK OF "PAID

AGITATORS," THE PROTESTS THERE

CAME FROM JUSTIFIABLY FURIOUS

LOCALS, LIKE THIS ALMOST

ABSURDLY MIDWESTERN MAN.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY PISSES

ME OFF IS THE FACT THAT THEY

DETAIN PEOPLE, CUFF 'EM, AND

STILL BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF 'EM.

THEY TELL YOU IT'S IMMIGRANTS,

IT'S ONLY IMMIGRANTS.

IT'S FUCKING ANYBODY.

I HAVE FRIENDS THAT GOT DETAINED

AND ALL THEY WERE DOING WAS

FUCKING DRIVING HOME FROM WORK.

WHAT THE FUCK?

>> SOUNDS LIKE YOU DON'T FIT THE

DEFINITION OF A...

>> NO, I'M NOT FUCKING PAID TO

BE HERE, LIKE EVERYONE FUCKING

SAYS, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?

I GOTTA WORK IN THE GODDAMN

MORNING, JUST LIKE EVERYBODY

ELSE.

I'M JUST TRYING TO STAND UP FOR

COMMUNITY, DUDE.

WE'RE ALL HUMAN BEINGS HERE.

I DON'T GIVE A SHIT WHO YOU ARE,

OR WHERE YOU CAME FROM, OR WHAT

COLOR YOU ARE, IT DOESN'T

FUCKING MATTER.

THIS IS WRONG.

>> John: YEAH, AND YOU KNOW

YOU'RE ACTING LIKE A BUNCH OF

DICKS WHEN YOU'RE PROVOKING THAT

LEVEL OF RESPONSE IN MINNESOTA,

A STATE WHOSE WHOLE THING IS

BEING "MINNESOTA NICE."

THEY PUT IT ON MERCH!

OTHER STATES COULDN'T PULL THAT

OFF.

ESPECIALLY BECAUSE "FLORIDA

NICE" SOUNDS LIKE A BRAND OF

PILLS YOU BUY FROM THE GAS

STATION THAT MAKES YOUR HEART

EXPLODE.

AND I WILL SAY, THIS DOES SEEM

LIKE A TURNING POINT FOR THIS

ADMINISTRATION ON IMMIGRATION.

POLLS SHOW THE MAJORITY OF

AMERICANS DO NOT APPROVE OF

WHAT'S BEEN HAPPENING.

AND NOR SHOULD THEY, BECAUSE FOR

ALL TRUMP'S TALK OF TARGETING

"THE WORST OF THE WORST," THAT

RINGS PRETTY HOLLOW WHEN YOU SEE

AGENTS DOING THINGS LIKE

DRAGGING A U.S. CITIZEN OUT OF

HIS HOUSE IN HIS UNDERWEAR

THROUGH THE SNOW, AND TAKING A

5-YEAR-OLD INTO CUSTODY.

IT'S FRANKLY NO WONDER

ANTI-I.C.E. SENTIMENT HAS SPREAD

TO PLACES YOU MIGHT NOT EVEN

EXPECT, FROM POP-TART THE CAT,

WHO POSTED A VIDEO WITH

"FUCK I.C.E." ON IT, TO THE

SUBREDDIT "MASSIVE COCK," WHERE

USERS CAPTIONED DICK PICS WITH

THINGS LIKE "HOW HARD I GET WHEN

I THINK ABOUT ABOLISHING

I.C.E.," TO AN AEW MATCH IN

VEGAS EARLIER THIS MONTH, WHERE

THIS HAPPENED.

>> NOW THE FACE AND THE EYES OF

A CHAMPION...

>> FUCK I.C.E., FUCK I.C.E.,

FUCK I.C.E..

FUCK I.C.E.

>> John: EXCELLENT.

WELL DONE, EVERYONE INVOLVED...

FROM THE CROWD GETTING THEIR

POINT ACROSS IN THE PERFECT WAY,

TO MJF GOING FULL "JIM FROM THE

OFFICE" INTO THE CAMERA.

THE POINT IS, TO THE EXTENT THEY

EVER HAD IT, I.C.E. AND BORDER

PATROL HAVE CLEARLY LOST THE

PUBLIC'S TRUST.

AND IT FRANKLY HASN'T HELPED TO

SEE GROTESQUE CLIPS LIKE THIS

ONE, AT MAR-A-LAGO ON NEW YEAR'S

EVE, OF KRISTI NOEM, DANCING

♪ ♪

>> John: THERE'S SO MUCH WEIRD

STUFF GOING ON IN THAT CLIP, YOU

PROBABLY DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE THE

NINJA TURTLE DANCING WITH

VANILLA ICE ON STAGE THERE.

HERE'S A BETTER ANGLE, OF

MICHELANGELO BEING PHOTOGRAPHED

AT THE EXACT MOMENT HE SEEMS TO

REALIZE JUST HOW MANY PEOPLE IN

THAT ROOM WERE MENTIONED IN THE

EPSTEIN FILES.

NOW, I SHOULD SAY... THERE'VE

BEEN SOME PROMISING DEVELOPMENTS

THIS WEEK.

DEMOCRATIC LEADERS SEEM TO HAVE

FINALLY READ THE PUBLIC'S ANGER,

AND ARE CURRENTLY HOLDING UP

FUNDS FOR DHS AS A WHOLE, AS

THEY PUSH FOR NEW RESTRICTIONS

ON IMMIGRATION AGENTS.

AND ON THURSDAY THIS HAPPENED.

>> TONIGHT, BORDERS CZAR TOM

HOMAN SAYS THE MASSIVE

IMMIGRATION OPERATION THAT'S

BEEN GOING ON FOR MONTHS IN

MINNESOTA, OPERATION METRO SURGE

IS COMING TO AN END.

>> WE'VE HAD GREAT SUCCESS WITH

THIS OPERATION, AND WE'RE

LEAVING MINNESOTA SAFER.

THERE WERE SOME ISSUES HERE, AND

WE ADDRESSED THOSE ISSUES.

BUT I'M NOT GOING TO SIT HERE

AND SAY ANYBODY DID ANYTHING

WRONG.

>> John: REALLY?

WELL, FIRST AND LEAST

YOU'RE STANDING.

LIKE, YOU'RE NOT GONNA SIT THERE

AND SAY ANYTHING BECAUSE YOU'RE

A STANDING MAN.

BUT I THINK IT'S PRETTY CLEAR A

LOT OF PEOPLE DID A LOT OF

THINGS WRONG, NOT LEAST YOUR

TAILOR, BECAUSE THAT SUIT LOOKS

LIKE YOU BOUGHT IT OFF THE RACK

AT "FANCY PRESS CONFERENCE

CLOTHES FOR UNCHARISMATIC

BUSINESS SHREKS."

AND LOOK, I'M GLAD FOR ANY

DRAWDOWN THAT TAKES PLACE IN

MINNESOTA, IF IT INDEED HAPPENS.

BUT EVEN IF EVERY AGENT LEAVES

TOWN, MUCH LARGER PROBLEMS ARE

GOING TO REMAIN, BOTH THERE AND

ON THE NATIONAL LEVEL, BECAUSE

WE'RE GOING TO CONTINUE TO SEE

THIS ADMINISTRATION OBSESSIVELY

PURSUE STEPHEN MILLER'S STATED

GOAL OF RACKING UP 3,000 ARRESTS

A DAY.

SO GIVEN THAT, WE THOUGHT FOR

OUR FIRST SHOW OF THE YEAR, IT

MIGHT BE WORTH PULLING BACK A

BIT, AND TALKING ABOUT NOT JUST

MINNEAPOLIS, OR EVEN JUST

I.C.E., BUT ABOUT THE MASSIVE

AGENCY IT'S A PART OF, THE

DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY.

BECAUSE AS YOU'RE ABOUT TO SEE,

A DISCUSSION ABOUT IT, ITS

FUNDING, AND THE SWEEPING POWERS

THAT WE'VE GIVEN IT, IS LONG

OVERDUE.

SO TONIGHT, LET'S LOOK AT DHS.

AND LET'S START WITH ITS

ORIGINS.

BECAUSE WHILE YOU MIGHT ASSUME

DHS IS A LONGSTANDING PART OF

AMERICAN GOVERNMENT, IT'S JUST

23 YEARS OLD.

IT WAS FOUNDED AS A RESPONSE TO

9/11, AND IF YOU'RE TOO YOUNG TO

REMEMBER 9/11... AND I'LL PAUSE

LONG ENOUGH FOR THE REST OF US

TO EXPERIENCE THE PSYCHIC GUT

PUNCH OF THAT SENTENCE... VERY

BASICALLY, IN THE IMMEDIATE

AFTERMATH OF THE MOST

DEVASTATING TERRORIST ATTACK IN

ITS HISTORY, AMERICA STARTED

SCREAMING, AND DIDN'T REALLY

STOP FOR A DECADE.

AND WHILE THANKFULLY, THE RIYADH

COMEDY FESTIVAL HAS SINCE HEALED

THE WORLD THROUGH COMEDY AND WE

DON'T NEED TO BE WORRIED ABOUT

WHO OR WHAT WAS ACTUALLY

RESPONSIBLE FOR 9/11, AT THE

TIME, A MAJOR CONCERN WAS THAT,

PRIOR TO THE ATTACKS, THERE'D

BEEN A LACK OF COMMUNICATION AND

INFORMATION SHARING BETWEEN

FEDERAL AGENCIES.

SO, THE BUSH ADMINISTRATION

AGREED TO COMBINE A BUNCH OF

THEM UNDER A SINGLE BANNER TO

IMPROVE COORDINATION.

BUT EVEN BACK THEN, SOME FELT

THAT WAS A BAD IDEA, TO THE

POINT IT WAS OPENLY DISCUSSED IN

NEWS COVERAGE.

>> WHAT DO SECRET SERVICE AGENTS

HAVE IN COMMON WITH ANIMAL

DISEASE RESEARCHERS?

NOTHING, EXCEPT THAT IN THREE

MONTHS BOTH WILL BE WORKING FOR

THE NEW HOMELAND SECURITY

DEPARTMENT, AN ORGANIZATIONAL

CHART THAT COULD GIVE A

MANAGEMENT EXPERT NIGHTMARES.

22 AGENCIES, 170,000 WORKERS,

THE THIRD-LARGEST DEPARTMENT IN

THE GOVERNMENT.

>> John: OKAY, FIRST, IT'S A

LITTLE WEIRD TO INTRODUCE A

GOVERNMENT AGENCY LIKE IT'S A

NEW SITCOM.

"WHAT HAPPENS WHEN AN UPTIGHT

TSA AGENT AND A LAID-BACK FEMA

OFFICIAL HAVE TO MOVE IN

TOGETHER?

FIND OUT IN HOMELAND SECURITY,

THURSDAYS ON TBS!"

BUT THE LARGER POINT THERE...

THAT THIS THING HAD BEEN HASTILY

COBBLED TOGETHER... VERY MUCH

HOLDS.

BECAUSE ALL OF A SUDDEN, DHS

CONTAINED EVERYTHING FROM THE

SECRET SERVICE, TO THE COAST

GUARD, TO FEMA, AND TSA.

BUT FOR EVERYTHING THAT WENT IN,

SOME KEY COUNTERTERRORISM

AGENCIES WERE LEFT OUT...

BECAUSE DHS HAD TO OPERATE

"WITHOUT THE INVESTIGATIVE,

INTELLIGENCE, AND MILITARY

POWERS OF THE FBI, CIA, AND THE

PENTAGON."

BUT DON'T WORRY!

REMEMBER... THEY HAD THOSE PIG

RESEARCHERS, SO THEY WERE PRETTY

MUCH SET.

NOW, AS A RESULT, DHS TRIED TO

JUSTIFY ITS EXISTENCE IN A

NUMBER OF DIFFERENT WAYS...

INCLUDING BY EXPLICITLY LINKING

IMMIGRATION ENFORCEMENT WITH

COUNTERING TERRORISM.

IN FACT, IT WAS DURING THE

CREATION OF DHS THAT PARTS OF

THE IMMIGRATION AND

NATURALIZATION SERVICE AND US

CUSTOMS SERVICE WERE COMBINED TO

FORM CUSTOMS AND BORDER

PROTECTION AND I.C.E.... THE TWO

AGENCIES WE KNOW AND ARE BEING

TERRORIZED BY TODAY.

BUT OVERSIGHT OF ALL THIS WAS A

NIGHTMARE, AS THE MEMBERS OF

CONGRESS THAT OVERSAW ALL THESE

AGENCIES DIDN'T WANT TO GIVE UP

CONTROL, SO DHS FOUND ITSELF

ANSWERING TO AROUND 100

COMMITTEES AND SUBCOMMITTEES.

WHICH, AS THE CHAIR OF THE 9/11

COMMISSION EXPLAINED, CAUSED

CHAOS.

>> THINK OF HAVING A HUNDRED

BOSSES.

THINK OF REPORTING UP THIS WAY

AND THAT WAY, TRYING TO DO YOUR

JOB, AND YET YOU'RE REPORTING TO

A HUNDRED PEOPLE.

IT'S CRAZY, BECAUSE IT MAKES NO

SENSE, AND YOU COULD NOT DO YOUR

JOB UNDER THOSE CIRCUMSTANCES.

>> John: YEAH, THAT MAKES SENSE.

HAVING AN ENDLESS CAVALCADE OF

RAPIDLY CHANGING BOSSES WOULD

CLEARLY BE A DISTRACTION, THOUGH

I GOTTA SAY, YOU DO EVENTUALLY

GET USED TO IT.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHICH OF THESE

COMPANIES IS GOING TO BE MY NEW

BUSINESS DADDY YET!

IT'S LIKE A MAMMA MIA SITUATION,

EXCEPT LESS FUN AND WAY LESS

SEXY.

BUT INCIDENTALLY, IF IT IS

INDEED NETFLIX, SORRY FOR ALL

THE TIMES I CALLED YOUR

CATALOGUE A "WHO'S WHO" OF "THE

FUCK IS THIS."

LOVED THE ENDING "OF STRANGER

THINGS," BY THE WAY, VERY BROWN.

AND GOOD LUCK WITH DETECTIVE

HOLE!

IT SOUNDS GREAT!

NOW COMPLAINTS ABOUT THE

UNWIELDY NATURE OF DHS PERSISTED

OVER THE YEARS... AND YET,

DESPITE THAT, MONEY KEPT FLOWING

INTO IT, EVEN AS IT BECAME KNOWN

FOR THINGS LIKE ITS

MASS-SURVEILLANCE PROGRAMS,

PARTICULARLY OF AMERICAN

MUSLIMS, AND ITS WIDELY MOCKED

COLOR-CODED TERRORISM THREAT

CHART WHICH NEVER DROPPED BELOW

YELLOW.

IT ALSO BECAME NOTORIOUS FOR ITS

WILLINGNESS TO DISTRIBUTE HUGE

AMOUNTS OF MONEY TO LOCAL POLICE

AND EMERGENCY SERVICES.

IN FACT, ON THE TEN YEAR

ANNIVERSARY OF 9/11, ONE

CALIFORNIA NEWS STATION COMPILED

JUST SOME OF WHAT THAT MONEY HAD

BEEN WASTED ON.

>> MARIN COUNTY RECEIVED MORE

THAN $100,00 IN SURVEILLANCE

EQUIPMENT TO PROTECT ITS WATER

TREATMENT SYSTEM FROM TERRORIST

ATTACK.

FOUR YEARS AFTER THE MONEY WAS

HANDED OUT, STATE AUTHORITIES

FOUND $67,000 WORTH OF GEAR

STILL IN BOXES.

IT HAD NEVER BEEN USED.

SEVERAL COUNTIES AND CITIES

BOUGHT SEGWAY SCOOTERS FOR THEIR

BOMB SQUADS.

EACH ONE COST $4,700.

>> John: OKAY, FIRST, I'M NOT

SURE ANYTHING SAYS "WE HAVE TOO

MUCH MONEY" MORE THAN BUYING A

FUCKING SEGWAY.

AND SECOND, THAT IS JUST AN

UNFATHOMABLY DORKY LOOK.

IT DOESN'T SCREAM "BRAVE BOMB

DEFUSER" AS MUCH AS "BEEKEEPER

MALL COP."

WITH EXPENDITURES LIKE THAT,

IT'S NO WONDER A 2015 REPORT

FROM A REPUBLICAN SENATOR FOUND

THAT DESPITE SPENDING OVER HALF

A TRILLION DOLLARS, "DHS WAS NOT

SUCCESSFULLY EXECUTING ANY OF

ITS FIVE MAIN MISSIONS."

AND ITS PRIMARY COUNTERTERRORISM

PROGRAMS WERE "YIELDING LITTLE

VALUE."

BUT BECAUSE NO ONE IN POWER BACK

THEN WANTED TO BREAK APART

SOMETHING THAT HAD "HOMELAND

SECURITY" IN ITS NAME, DHS

REMAINED THE LARGEST FEDERAL LAW

ENFORCEMENT AGENCY, WITH MASSIVE

FUNDING, SWEEPING SURVEILLANCE

AUTHORITY, AND WORRYINGLY

UNCLEAR CHECKS ON ITS OWN POWER.

IT WAS ESSENTIALLY A LOADED

WEAPON, SITTING ON A PRESIDENT'S

DESK IN THE OVAL OFFICE, ONLY

HELD BACK BY THEIR PERSONAL

SENSE OF TEMPERANCE AND

RESTRAINT, ALL OF WHICH BRINGS

US BACK TO THIS FUCKING GUY.

BECAUSE IN HIS FIRST TERM, TRUMP

AND THIS SLEEP PARALYSIS DEMON

USED DHS TO PUSH EVERYTHING FROM

HIS MUSLIM BAN TO FAMILY

SEPARATION TO HIS EFFORTS TO END

DACA.

BUT FROM THE VERY START OF

TRUMP'S SECOND TERM, IT WAS

CLEAR THEY HAD MUCH BIGGER PLANS

FOR DHS... STARTING WITH THE

FACT TRUMP PUT ONE OF HIS

BIGGEST ALLIES, KRISTI NOEM, IN

CHARGE OF IT.

AND EVEN NEWS STORIES ABOUT HER

ANNOUNCEMENT AT THE TIME

CONTAINED SOME PRETTY CLEAR

HINTS SHE WAS A BAD CHOICE.

>> TONIGHT, PRESIDENT-ELECT

DONALD TRUMP EXPECTED TO NAME

ONE OF HIS STAUNCHEST CAMPAIGN

SUPPORTERS...

>> ARE YOU READY?

>> SOUTH DAKOTA GOVERNOR

KRISTI NOEM TO LEAD THE MASSIVE

DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY.

TRUMP ONCE CONSIDERED NOEM AS A

POTENTIAL RUNNING MATE, BUT HER

STAR DIMMED AFTER WRITING IN HER

MEMOIR THAT SHE HAD SHOT AND

KILLED THE FAMILY DOG.

>> John: YEAH, NOT GREAT!

AND EVEN TRUMP, WHO'S BEEN

ENDOWED BY SATAN WITH AN ABILITY

TO SURVIVE ANY BAD PRESS

WHATSOEVER, SOMEHOW KNEW THAT

PICKING A VP WHO BRAGGED ABOUT

SPEED RUNNING OLD YELLER IS A

BAD MOVE.

NO ONE WANTS TO SHARE A TICKET

WITH JOHN WILKES WOOF HERE.

IN FACT, TRUMP WAS SO TURNED OFF

BY NOEM'S DOG NEWS, HE

APPARENTLY SAID TO DON JR.

AFTERWARDS "THAT'S NOT GOOD AT

ALL, EVEN YOU WOULDN'T KILL A

DOG, AND YOU KILL EVERYTHING."

JUST ANOTHER BRIEF WINDOW INTO A

FAMILY DYNAMIC THAT A SKILLED

THERAPIST WOULD DESCRIBE AS

"CHA-CHING."

AND CRUCIALLY, NOEM DIDN'T BRING

A LOT OF NON-DOG-MURDERING

EXPERIENCE TO THE JOB... SHE'D

NEVER WORKED IN DHS OR INDEED

LAW ENFORCEMENT... BUT IN A

FORESHADOWING OF THINGS TO COME,

AS GOVERNOR OF SOUTH DAKOTA SHE

WAS A RELENTLESS SELF-PROMOTER.

IN ADS FOR HER STATE, SHE

APPEARED IN VARIOUS JOB-THEMED

COSTUMES, INCLUDING A DENTIST,

NURSE, ELECTRICIAN, PLUMBER, A

WELDER, AND A CONSTRUCTION

WORKER, SELLING EACH ROLE WITH

INCREDIBLE CHARISMA.

>> SOUTH DAKOTA HAS THE

BLUEPRINT FOR SUCCESS.

RECENTLY, WE LED THE NATION IN

NEW HOMEBUILDING, BUT WE'RE

STILL GROWING SO FAST.

WE NEED TO HIRE MORE BUILDERS TO

KEEP UP.

SO, I'M PITCHING IN.

>> John: LOOK, I KNOW HER

PERFORMANCE IS PRETTY FLAT

THERE, BUT IN HER DEFENSE, WHO

IS GOING TO TELL HER SHE CAN'T

ACT?

NOT ANYONE WHO LIKES THEIR DOG,

THAT'S FOR SURE.

ALSO, I'M IN A TOUGH SPOT HERE.

BECAUSE I REFUSE TO COMMENT ON A

WOMAN'S LOOKS.

BUT ONE OF MY FEMALE WRITERS HAS

INSISTED I READ SOMETHING SHE'S

WRITTEN, AND I ALSO REFUSE TO

SILENCE WOMEN'S VOICES.

SO, GIVEN THAT.

A PONYTAIL FOR PRACTICAL WORKING

PURPOSES IS INTENDED TO KEEP

HAIR OFF THE BASE OF THE NECK

AND/OR OUT OF THE EYES.

IF YOU LEAVE THE FRONT PART OF

YOUR HAIR OUT AND KEEP THE

BOTTOM PART OF YOUR "HAIR" DOWN

LOOSELY AROUND YOUR SHOULDERS

IT'S NOT A WORKING PONYTAIL,

IT'S A HAIRDO.

AND, JOHN, PLEASE MAKE SURE YOU

PUT THAT SECOND "HAIR" IN AIR

QUOTES, BECAUSE NO WAY THAT

CLYDESDALE TAIL IS THE REAL HAIR

OF THAT DOG KILLER WITH THE BAD

FILLER.

HER WORDS.

NOT MINE.

BELIEVE WOMEN.

AND THE THING IS, NOEM

IMMEDIATELY BROUGHT TO DHS THAT

SAME UNRELENTING FOCUS ON P.R.

FROM SHOOTING A VIDEO IN THE

SALVADORAN CECOT PRISON WHILE

WEARING A $50,000 ROLEX, TO

COSPLAYING AS A LAW ENFORCEMENT

AGENT, FROM WEARING A

BULLETPROOF VEST ON THE STREETS

OF NEW YORK, TO PUTTING ON COAST

GUARD FATIGUES, TO DRESSING UP

LIKE A BORDER PATROL AGENT ON

FOX NEWS.

AND IF IT SEEMS LIKE SHE'S GOT

CAMERAS WITH HER WHEREVER SHE

GOES, SHE BASICALLY DOES.

HERE SHE IS WITH A CAMERA CREW

ON THE ROOF OF AN IMMIGRATION

DETENTION FACILITY OUTSIDE

CHICAGO.

THESE TWO MEN... KYLE

FRANKOVICH AND JUAN MUNOZ... WERE

PROTESTING OUTSIDE THAT DAY,

ONLY TO BE ARRESTED.

AND TO HEAR THEM TELL IT, THAT

SEEMED TO HAVE LESS TO DO WITH

THEIR ACTIONS, AND MUCH MORE

WITH THE PRESENCE OF NOEM AND

HER SOCIAL MEDIA CREW.

>> AN AGENT GRABBED ME, THREW ME

DOWN, I WAS THEN ZIP TIED AND

DETAINED.

>> I WAS PULLED TO THE GROUND

AND ORDERED ARRESTED.

IT FELT VERY MUCH LIKE WE WERE

JUST BEING USED FOR THIS

POLITICAL THEATER.

>> KRISTI NOEM WAS ABLE TO WALK

PAST US SURROUNDED BY

PHOTOGRAPHERS, VIDEOGRAPHERS,

ESSENTIALLY JUST GETTING US IN

THE BACKGROUND AS SHE WALKED BY.

>> THEN LOOK WHAT HAPPENED.

HOMELAND SECURITY SENT OUT THESE

SOCIAL MEDIA POSTS SHOWING KYLE

IN HANDCUFFS.

THIS ONE SAID, "WE WILL NOT

ALLOW VIOLENT ACTIVISTS TO LAY

HANDS ON OUR LAW ENFORCEMENT."

AND THEY ALSO POSTED THIS

GOVERNMENT PROMOTIONAL VIDEO,

AND THERE'S KYLE AGAIN.

HE AND MUNOZ WERE NEVER CHARGED

WITH ANY CRIME.

>> John: THAT'S TRUE.

DESPITE BEING LABELED "VIOLENT

ACTIVISTS," THEY WERE NEVER

CHARGED WITH ANYTHING.

IT SEEMS THEY WERE ARRESTED JUST

FOR A PHOTO OP FOR KRISTI NOEM,

WHICH IS... IF I MAY QUOTE HER

OWN DOG'S DYING WORDS... RUFF.

BUT IT GOES WAY BEYOND OPTICS.

NOEM HAS BEEN PUT IN CHARGE OF

DHS AT A MOMENT WHEN IT'S

EXPERIENCING AN UNPRECEDENTED

FUNDING SURGE.

TRUMP'S BIG BEAUTIFUL BILL LAST

SUMMER ESSENTIALLY DOUBLED DHS'S

FUNDING OVER THE NEXT FOUR

YEARS.

AND IT'S WORTH LOOKING AT WHERE

ALL THAT MONEY IS... AND EQUALLY

IMPORTANTLY, ISN'T GOING.

BECAUSE DHS'S RESOURCES ARE NOW

BEING POINTED AT IMMIGRATION

MORE HEAVILY THAN EVER BEFORE,

TO THE POINT IT'S BEING CALLED A

VERITABLE "DEPARTMENT OF

DEPORTATION."

I.C.E. ALONE WAS HANDED AN EXTRA

$75 BILLION TO SPEND OVER

TRUMP'S TERM, TRIPLING ITS

ANNUAL BUDGET, LEADING TO THIS

STARTLING FACT.

>> OVERNIGHT, IT BECAME THE

HIGHEST-FUNDED LAW ENFORCEMENT

AGENCY IN U.S. HISTORY.

IF I.C.E. WAS A MILITARY, IT

WOULD BE THE 17TH RICHEST IN THE

WORLD, WORTH ABOUT THE SAME AS

CANADA'S ENTIRE ARMED FORCES.

>> John: IT'S TRUE!

AND WHATEVER THE APPROPRIATE

BUDGET FOR I.C.E. IS... AND

THEY'RE MAKING A PRETTY

COMPELLING ARGUMENT FOR IT BEING

ZERO RIGHT NOW... ONE THING IT

SHOULD DEFINITELY NOT BE IS THE

SAME AS THE ENTIRE CANADIAN

MILITARY.

THOUGH TO BE FAIR, THAT'S NOT A

PERFECT ONE TO ONE, AS I'M

PERFECT ONE TO ONE, AS I'M MILITARY DOESN'T TOTALLY EAT

MILITARY DOESN'T TOTALLY EAT

SHIT ON SLIGHTLY SLIPPERY

SIDEWALKS.

NOW, A LOT OF THAT MONEY IS

EARMARKED FOR IMMIGRATION

DETENTION FACILITIES, THE

CONDITIONS AT WHICH WE'VE TALKED

ABOUT BEFORE, AND WHICH ARE

UNLIKELY TO GET BETTER, GIVEN

OMINOUS HEADLINES LIKE "I.C.E.

BEGINS BUYING MEGA WAREHOUSE

DETENTION CENTERS ACROSS THE

U.S."

BUT A LOT'S ALSO GOING TO HIRING

THOUSANDS OF NEW I.C.E. AGENTS,

WITH DHS PLANNING TO SPEND 100

MILLION DOLLARS OVER A ONE YEAR

PERIOD JUST ON ADVERTISING, AS

PART OF WHAT IT'S CALLED A

"WARTIME RECRUITMENT" STRATEGY.

AND THOSE ADS ARE EVERYWHERE.

>> SLICKLY PRODUCED SOCIAL MEDIA

VIDEOS...

>> JOIN I.C.E. AND HELP US

CATCH THE WORST OF THE WORST.

>> TELEVISED ADS TARGETING

LOCAL POLICE AND A CELEBRITY

ENDORSEMENT.

THESE ARE ALL PART OF A MAJOR

MULTIMILLION-DOLLAR RECRUITMENT

CAMPAIGN LAUNCHED BY THE

IMMIGRATION AND CUSTOMS

ENFORCEMENT AGENCY.

IT'S SHARED IMAGES USING WARTIME

IMAGERY, LIKE UNCLE SAM, AND

SLANG, LIKE IN THIS POST WITH

THE CAPTION, QUOTE, "WANT TO

DEPORT ILLEGALS WITH YOUR

ABSOLUTE BOYS?"

>> THAT'S GOING TO BE ON SOCIAL

MEDIA.

IT'S GOING TO BE THROUGH

STREAMERS, SO YOUTUBE AND OTHER

PLACES WHERE USER-GENERATED

CONTENT IS, BUT ALSO LARGE-SCALE

BROADCAST AND STREAMING

PLATFORMS LIKE HULU, HBO MAX,

AMAZON PRIME, ALL OF THIS SORT

OF THING.

>> John: YEAH, I DON'T LOVE

HEARING MY EMPLOYER'S NAME ON

THAT LIST.

THOUGH I GUESS AT LEAST I GET A

REMINDER OF WHAT THE COMPANY'S

NAME IS THIS YEAR.

IT'S ALSO SLIGHTLY SATISFYING TO

KNOW THAT ONE PLACE THOSE ADS

HAVE BEEN RUNNING IS IN FRONT OF

AEW WRESTLING, MEANING I.C.E. IS

HAVING TO PAY MONEY TO APPEAR

ALONGSIDE THIS.

>> FUCK I.C.E!

FUCK I.C.E!

>> John: IT'S STILL VERY GOOD!

NOW, DHS CLAIMS THOSE ADS ARE

WORKING... THEY SAY THEY'VE

HIRED 12,000 NEW I.C.E. AGENTS

AND OFFICERS SINCE LAST SUMMER.

AND WHILE THERE ARE GOOD REASONS

TO BELIEVE THOSE FIGURES ARE

INFLATED, WE'RE STILL GOING TO

HAVE A LOT MORE I.C.E. AGENTS ON

OUR STREETS THIS YEAR.

AND THAT SHOULD BE A REAL

CONCERN, ESPECIALLY BECAUSE TO

HIRE SO MANY OFFICERS SO

QUICKLY, THEY'VE HAD TO

SIGNIFICANTLY LOWER THEIR

STANDARDS FOR NEW RECRUITS,

DOING THINGS LIKE WAIVING AGE

REQUIREMENTS, CONDENSING THE

TRAINING PERIOD, AND ENDING

REQUIREMENTS LIKE TAKING 5

WEEKS OF SPANISH LANGUAGE

TRAINING.

WHICH IS A BAD IDEA FOR MANY

REASONS, INCLUDING THOSE AGENTS

NOW WON'T GET TO UNDERSTAND EVEN

A LITTLE BIT OF BAD BUNNY'S

MUSIC.

WHICH IS SAD.

THEY'RE MISSING OUT ON A LOT OF

JOY, PLENTY OF POLITICAL

COMMENTARY, AND A METRIC TON OF

BLOW JOB DESCRIPTIONS.

THERE IS A LOT AND IT IS A RICH

TEXT.

AND THE THING IS, EVEN WITH

THOSE LOWER STANDARDS, ONE

REPORT FOUND THAT MORE THAN A

THIRD OF NEW I.C.E. RECRUITS HAD

FAILED A PHYSICAL FITNESS TEST

THAT REQUIRED 15 PUSHUPS, 32

SITUPS, AND RUNNING 1.5 MILES IN

14 MINUTES.

WHICH, AND I DO NOT SAY THIS

LIGHTLY, IS A TEST EVEN I COULD

PASS.

ALSO... AND MORE UPSETTINGLY...

NEARLY HALF WERE LATER SENT HOME

BECAUSE THEY COULDN'T PASS THE

WRITTEN EXAM, WHICH COVERS

THINGS LIKE WHEN OFFICERS CAN

AND CAN'T CONDUCT SEARCHES AND

SEIZURES.

AND IT GETS EVEN WORSE WHEN YOU

LEARN THAT DURING THE TEST, THEY

WERE ALLOWED TO CONSULT THEIR

TEXTBOOK AND NOTES.

YEAH, HALF OF THEM FAILED AN

OPEN BOOK TEST!

AND AS WE ALL KNOW, THAT'S THE

EASIEST KIND OF TEST.

EVEN EASIER THAN URINE.

THAT ONE'S ACTUALLY HARDER THAN

YOU THINK.

MID-STREAM IS A DELICATE DANCE.

AND AS THE FORMER DIRECTOR OF

I.C.E. POINTS OUT, THIS IS ALL A

VERY BAD SIGN.

>> YEAH, I MEAN, SOME OF THESE

MOVES, FRANKLY, HAVE RESULTED IN

SOME EMBARRASSING CANDIDATES.

I.C.E. AGENTS HAVE TREMENDOUS

AUTHORITY WHEN THEY'RE OUT THERE

ON THE STREETS.

WE HAVE TO KNOW THAT THESE

PEOPLE, A, HAVE THAT INTEGRITY,

ARE GOING TO... WHEN NO ONE'S

LOOKING, ARE THEY GOING TO DO

THINGS THE RIGHT WAY?

AND, SECONDLY, THEY'RE GETTING

INTO THIS FOR THE RIGHT REASON.

OBVIOUSLY, THERE'S A TREMENDOUS

CONCERN AS WELL THAT THE

ADMINISTRATION IS GOING AFTER

INDIVIDUALS WHO HARBOR SOME

ANIMUS TOWARDS IMMIGRANTS.

>> John: RIGHT, BECAUSE IT

DOESN'T SEEM UNFAIR TO ASSUME

THAT SOME MIGHT'VE APPLIED FOR

THE JOB LESS OUT OF A SENSE OF

PUBLIC DUTY, AND MORE BECAUSE

THEY, OH I DON'T KNOW, WANT TO

"DEPORT ILLEGALS WITH THEIR

ABSOLUTE BOYS."

AND THAT CONCERN'S BEEN

COMPOUNDED BY A DISTURBING

PATTERN OF WHITE-NATIONALIST

DOGWHISTLES IN THESE RECRUITING

ADS, LIKE THIS POST, READING

"WHICH WAY AMERICAN MAN?,"

EVOKING A MEME ASSOCIATED WITH

THIS ANTISEMITIC BOOK POPULAR

AMONG NEO-NAZIS.

AND THIS ONE, USING THE PHRASE

"WE'LL HAVE OUR HOME AGAIN"...

THE TITLE OF A SONG RELEASED BY

A WHITE NATIONALIST BAND,

POPULAR WITH FAR-RIGHT GROUPS

LIKE THE PROUD BOYS.

AND IF THAT CONNECTION SEEMS

LIKE A STRETCH TO YOU, YOU

THE PROUD BOYS

THEMSELVES DON'T SEEM TO THINK

SO.

>> ON THE MESSAGING APP

TELEGRAM, ONE CHAPTER REPOSTED

THAT AD NEXT TO A PICTURE OF A

LITERAL DOG WHISTLE, ADDING THE

LINE, "MESSAGE RECEIVED."

>> John: OH, COOL.

THE

WHOLE POINT OF A DOG WHISTLE IS

PLAUSIBLE DENIABILITY, SO SAYING

"WE HEAR AND UNDERSTAND YOUR DOG

WHISTLE" DOES SORT OF WRECK THE

WHOLE AGREEMENT.

BUT I GUESS THAT'S THE RISK YOU

RUN WHEN YOUR SECRET MASTER PLAN

HAS TO RELY ON SOME OF THE

DUMBEST PEOPLE ALIVE.

WE

REACHED OUT TO DHS FOR COMMENT,

IN WHICH THEY ANGRILY DENY ANY

DOG WHISTLES, SAYING, "WE WILL

NOT APOLOGIZE FOR USING

PATRIOTIC MESSAGING AND

SYMBOLISM IN OUR

ADVERTISEMENTS," AND ALSO, ONE

COULD SAY WE ARE HOMELANDMAXXING

BY REMOVING ILLEGAL ALIENS AND

DEFENDING OUR BORDERS"... A

SENTENCE I GENUINELY FEEL DUMBER

FOR SAYING ALOUD.

SO... THAT'S WHERE MONEY AND

RESOURCES AT DHS HAVE BEEN

SURGING TO.

BUT THE ADMINISTRATION IS ALSO

PULLING RESOURCES AWAY FROM

OTHER KEY PARTS OF HER MASSIVE

AGENCY.

AND LET'S START WITH THE

REALLOCATION OF RESOURCES JUST

UNDER I.C.E..

BECAUSE, FOR THE RECORD, BEFORE

TRUMP CAME ALONG, DEPORTATION

WAS NOT I.C.E.'S SOLE FOCUS.

IT ACTUALLY CONSISTED OF TWO

ERO, OR "ENFORCEMENT

AND REMOVAL OPERATIONS," WHICH

HANDLES DETENTIONS AND

DEPORTATIONS.

AND HOMELAND SECURITY

INVESTIGATIONS OR HSI, WHICH IS

TASKED WITH COMPLEX

INVESTIGATIONS INTO THINGS LIKE

DRUG SMUGGLING AND HUMAN

TRAFFICKING, WITH MANY OF THEIR

TARGETS NOT EVEN IMMIGRANTS.

DIDDY'S CASE, FOR INSTANCE, WAS

RUN BY HSI AGENTS.

AND MANY HSI OFFICIALS HAVE LONG

WANTED TO BE FORMALLY SEPARATED

FROM I.C.E.... FOR OBVIOUS

REASONS.

IF YOU NEED COOPERATION IN A

HUMAN-TRAFFICKING INVESTIGATION,

IT'S HARDER TO GET IT FROM

SOMEONE WHO THINKS YOU MIGHT

DEPORT THEM.

BUT IN TRUMP'S SECOND TERM, HE'S

GONE HARD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION

... SIGNING AN EXECUTIVE ORDER ON

DAY ONE, ANNOUNCING ENFORCING

IMMIGRATION LAW WOULD BE "THE

PRIMARY MISSION OF HSI."

AND THAT'S HAD REAL

CONSEQUENCES, AS HIGHLY-TRAINED

AGENTS WHO SPECIALIZED IN THINGS

LIKE MONEY LAUNDERING AND

COUNTERTERRORISM CASES, HAVE NOW

BEEN SENT TO DO THINGS LIKE PICK

UP PEOPLE IN PARKING LOTS...

HERE'S A GUY IN AN HSI JACKET,

ARRESTING PEOPLE AT A HOME DEPOT

IN L.A. LAST YEAR.

WHICH ISN'T GOOD, BECAUSE

THERE'S STUFF THEY WERE SUPPOSED

TO BE DOING!

IN THE FIRST PART OF LAST YEAR,

HSI AGENTS WORKED AN AVERAGE OF

33% FEWER HOURS ON CHILD

EXPLOITATION CASES.

WHICH IS MADDENING.

THERE'S A REASON EPISODES OF

"SVU" DON'T INVOLVE THEM

ABANDONING A CASE HALFWAY

THROUGH, BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO GO

SPEND THE REST OF THE EPISODE

HARASSING PEOPLE OUTSIDE OF A

FUCKING LOWE'S.

PEOPLE WOULD RIOT.

BUT IT'S NOT JUST REALLOCATIONS

WITHIN I.C.E.

NOT ONLY HAVE CBP AGENTS BEEN

DIVERTED FROM THE BORDER,

THEY'VE PULLED IN LAW

ENFORCEMENT FROM OUTSIDE DHS...

ACCORDING TO ONE ESTIMATE LAST

YEAR, 1 IN 5 U.S. MARSHALLS, ONE

IN 5 FBI AGENTS, HALF OF DEA

AGENTS, AND OVER TWO-THIRDS OF

ATF AGENTS HAD BEEN REASSIGNED

TO HELP HANDLE DEPORTATIONS.

I'M NOT SAYING

EVERYTHING THOSE AGENCIES WERE

DOING WAS A GOOD USE OF THEIR

TIME.

FOR MORE ON THAT, SEE ANY NUMBER

OF EPISODES OF THIS SHOW.

BUT IT'S NOTABLE THAT... FOR ALL

TRUMP'S JUSTIFICATION OF

IMMIGRATION CRACKDOWNS TO FIGHT

DRUGS AND CARTELS... AS THIS

FORMER DHS INTELLIGENCE OFFICIAL

POINTS OUT, THAT'S EXACTLY

WHAT'S BEING DEPRIORITIZED.

>> IF FBI AGENTS ARE NOT WORKING

ON DRUG GANG TASK FORCES, THEN

THERE ARE FEWER INVESTIGATIONS

INTO VIOLENT STREET GANGS AND

DRUG TRAFFICKING CARTELS.

>> AND WITH SUCH A LARGE

CONTINGENT PULLED FROM THEIR

DUTIES, HE SAYS DRUG CARTELS AND

BAD ACTORS ARE WATCHING.

>> I AM 100% CERTAIN THAT THEY

ARE TRACKING THAT FEDERAL AGENTS

ARE BEING MOVED OUT OF DRUG TASK

FORCES AND SEEKING TO DETERMINE

WAYS TO EXPLOIT THE REDUCED

RESOURCES ON THOSE TASK FORCES.

>> John: YEAH, OF COURSE CARTELS

ARE GOING TO TAKE ADVANTAGE.

DRUG KINGPINS, BY AT LARGE,

AREN'T STUPID.

MOSTLY BECAUSE DRUG KINGPINS WHO

ARE STUPID TEND TO SPEND A VERY

SHORT TIME AS KINGPINS, AND MUCH

LONGER AS A SUSPICIOUS MOUND OF

EARTH SOMEWHERE IN THE MEXICAN

DESERT.

IT'S KIND OF A SELF-EDITING

FIELD.

AND I'M STILL NOT DONE LISTING

MISALLOCATIONS OF RESOURCES.

BECAUSE AT THE SAME TIME THAT

NOEM'S SURGED FUNDING TO SOME

AREAS OF DHS, SHE'S ACTIVELY

STARVED OTHERS.

FOR INSTANCE, CISA, WHICH

HANDLES CYBERSECURITY, LOST

ROUGHLY 1,000 STAFFERS, MORE

THAN ONE-THIRD OF THE AGENCY,

MEANING IT'S NOW LESS EQUIPPED

TO DO THINGS LIKE PROTECT OUR

ELECTRICAL GRIDS OR SECURE OUR

ELECTIONS.

BUT MAYBE THE BIGGEST EXAMPLE OF

A DEPARTMENT BEING HAMSTRUNG IS

FEMA.

IT'S THE AGENCY THAT HANDLES THE

FEDERAL RESPONSE TO DISASTERS.

MANY BELIEVE IT NEVER REALLY

BELONGED IN DHS IN THE FIRST

PLACE, AND THAT ITS ENDING UP

THERE CONTRIBUTED TO ITS

FAILURES DURING HURRICANE

KATRINA.

AND IF YOU'RE TOO YOUNG TO

REMEMBER HURRICANE KATRINA, I'M

AFRAID YOU ARE JUST GONNA HAVE

TO FUCK OFF.

SUFFICE TO SAY THAT FEMA DID NOT

HAVE A "GOOD KATRINA," PERHAPS

BEST SUMMED UP BY THIS ENTIRELY

FAIR QUESTION IN FRONT OF A

FLOOD DAMAGED APARTMENT COMPLEX.

SOON AFTER TRUMP TOOK OFFICE,

FEMA LOST ABOUT A THIRD OF ITS

TOTAL FULL-TIME STAFF.

AND IT'S ALSO BEEN HEAVILY

IMPACTED BY A NEW RULE, ACROSS

DHS, WHICH STATES THAT EVERY

CONTRACT AND GRANT OVER $100,000

MUST NOW CROSS NOEM'S DESK FOR

APPROVAL... OR, TO PUT THAT IN

TERMS KRISTI NOEM CAN

UNDERSTAND, TWO WRISTWATCHES.

AND THAT REQUIREMENT IS ABSURD

GENERALLY, BUT ESPECIALLY AT

FEMA, AN AGENCY THAT HANDLES

EMERGENCY RELIEF THAT NEEDS TO

GET OUT QUICKLY.

AT ONE POINT, "ABOUT $17 BILLION

IN FEDERAL DISASTER FUNDS FOR

STATES WAS HELD UP FOR AN EXTRA

LAYER OF REVIEW BY NOEM, CAUSING

UNUSUAL DELAYS IN PAYMENTS.

AND I'D SAY I CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE

HOW CHAOTIC THAT PROCESS MUST

LOOK, BUT LUCKILY, I CAN.

BECAUSE ANOTHER OF NOEM'S SOUTH

DAKOTA ADS LITERALLY SHOWED HER

AS AN OVERWORKED ACCOUNTANT,

WITH TICKER-TAPE ALL OVER THE

PLACE, NOT EXACTLY DOING A

TERRIFIC JOB.

>> WE HAVE CLOSE TO 20,000 OPEN

JOBS... INCLUDING ACCOUNTANTS.

SO I'M FILLING IN.

SOUTH DAKOTA.

FREEDOM WORKS HERE.

>> GOVERNOR NOEM?

YOU DIDN'T CARRY THE TWO.

>> JOSH?

KISS MY ABACUS.

>> John: OKAY, IT SEEMS ONCE

MORE I FIND MYSELF IN A TOUGH

SPOT.

BECAUSE, AGAIN, I'VE BEEN TOLD

TO READ SOMETHING TO YOU, AND I

DON'T FEEL LIKE I CAN SAY NO.

"THE PRECISE WAY FOR YOU TO

DESCRIBE WHAT KRISTI NOEM HAS

ACTIVELY CHOSEN TO LOOK LIKE

THERE IS, 'MOTHER OF THE BRIDE,

WHO ASKED FOR THE EXACT SAME

HAIR AS THE BRIDE.'

ALSO, JOHN, WHILE I HAVE YOUR

ATTENTION, MAYBE IT'S TIME FOR

YOU TO BE PUTTING A LITTLE GREY

IN THE EYEBROW MAKEUP.

YOU'RE NOT FOOLING ANYONE.

LET'S BE ADULTS ABOUT THIS."

THOSE ARE HER WORDS.

SHE'S BRUTALLY HONEST.

IS A BAD PERSON

THE FUTURE IS FEMALE.

THE THING IS, NOEM DELAYING

FUNDING APPROVALS AT FEMA HAS

ALREADY HAD SERIOUS

CONSEQUENCES.

WHEN THERE WERE DEADLY FLOODS IN

TEXAS LAST YEAR, DID NOT ANSWER

NEARLY TWO-THIRDS OF CALLS TO

ITS DISASTER ASSISTANCE

LINE, TWO DAYS AFTER, NEARLY TWO

THIRDS OF THE CALLS TO FEMA'S

DISASTER ASSISTANCE LINE WENT

UNANSWERED.

NOW, I HAVE TO TELL YOU NOEM HAS

DISPUTED THAT REPORT, SAYING

"IT'S JUST FALSE," AND "THAT

REPORT NEEDS TO BE VALIDIFIED."

THOUGH I BELIEVE THAT SENTENCE

ITSELF COULD BENEFIT FROM BEING

"SPELLECHECKERATED."

AND NOT FOR NOTHING, NOEM'S

$100,000 SIGN OFF RULE MEANT

THAT, ACCORDING TO ONE FORMER

OFFICIAL, THE FEMA BUILDING

ITSELF ALMOST HAD ITS UTILITIES

SHUT OFF LAST YEAR BECAUSE THE

BILL WASN'T PAID.

AND THE TRUTH IS, SO FAR, WE'VE

BEEN INCREDIBLY LUCKY THERE

HASN'T BEEN AN EVEN WORSE

DISASTER, WHERE FEMA'S PROBLEMS

WERE MORE FULLY EXPOSED, AS LAST

YEAR, FOR THE FIRST TIME IN A

DECADE, NOT A SINGLE HURRICANE

STRUCK THE U.S. BUT OUR LUCK CAN

ONLY HOLD OUT FOR SO LONG.

LAST AUGUST, OVER 180 FEMA

EMPLOYEES SENT A LETTER TO

CONGRESS WARNING THAT TRUMP

OFFICIALS' ACTIONS WERE RISKING

A KATRINA-LEVEL DISASTER.

WHICH IS A PRETTY HAUNTING THING

TO HEAR.

AND IT'S MORE THAN A LITTLE

DISPIRITING TO REALIZE THAT THE

FRANKENSTEIN OF AN AGENCY WE

COBBLED TOGETHER AFTER 9/11 IS

NOW SIPHONING RESOURCES AWAY

FROM THINGS THAT ACTUALLY

PROTECT US, EVEN AS IT FLOODS

RESOURCES TO A BUNCH OF GUYS IN

SKI MASKS WITH QUESTIONABLE

REDDIT HISTORIES WHO BLAST RAP

ROCK OUT THE WINDOW OF THEIR

GOVERNMENT-ISSUED

KIDNAP-MOBILES, ALL FOR THE

BENEFIT OF KRISTI NOEM'S FUCKING

TIKTOK.

SO WHAT CAN WE DO?

WELL, FIRST, AND MOST

IMMEDIATELY, WITH DHS IN PARTIAL

SHUTDOWN OVER ITS FUNDING,

DEMOCRATS HAVE TO USE EVERY

OUNCE OF LEVERAGE THEY'VE GOT TO

GET MAJOR CONCESSIONS.

BERNIE SANDERS HAS PROPOSED AN

AMENDMENT THAT WOULD RESIND THE

$75 BILLION IN ADDITIONAL

FUNDING THAT I.C.E. AND DHS

RECEIVED.

AND WHILE I DON'T KNOW IF

THEY'LL BE ABLE TO GET TO THAT,

THEY SHOULD AT THE VERY LEAST

GET AS MANY HARD, ENFORCEABLE

LIMITS ON IMMIGRATION AGENTS'

ACTIVITIES AS POSSIBLE.

SECOND, WE NEED TO GET RID OF

I.C.E. PERIOD.

PUBLIC TRUST IN IT RIGHT NOW IS

HOVERING SOMEWHERE BETWEEN

PURDUE PHARMA AND THE TITAN

SUBMERSIBLE.

IT IS JUST NOT SALVAGEABLE.

AND IF YOU'RE THINKING, WHO WILL

ENFORCE IMMIGRATION LAW IF

I.C.E. IS GONE?

I DUNNO, MAYBE THE AGENCIES THAT

DID IT FOR DECADES BEFORE 2003.

AS FOR DHS AS A WHOLE, I'D ARGUE

IT'S NO LONGER TENABLE IN ITS

CURRENT FORM.

AND WHILE MAYBE THERE'S AN

ARGUMENT FOR HAVING A LARGER

AGENCY COORDINATING DIFFERENT

FEDERAL DEPARTMENTS, IT SHOULD

PROBABLY BE REDESIGNED FROM THE

GROUND UP, AND DELIBERATELY THIS

TIME, NOT BY SUDDENLY GLUING

TOGETHER ORG CHARTS IN A BLIND

PANIC.

BUT IF I CAN MAKE ONE LAST,

COSMETIC

CHANGES JUST AREN'T GOING TO BE

ENOUGH.

EVEN IF YOU GET RID OF KRISTI

NOEM, WHICH YOU SHOULD, STEPHEN

MILLER WILL STILL BE THERE.

AND EVEN IF YOU GET RID OF HIM,

THIS ADMINISTRATION WILL REMAIN.

BUT EVEN IF THEY'RE GONE, AND WE

GET RID OF I.C.E. AND DHS, WE'RE

STILL GOING TO BE LEFT WITH THE

BROKEN IMMIGRATION LAWS THAT

GIVE THEM PERMISSION TO DO WHAT

THEY'VE DONE.

MILLIONS OF PEOPLE WILL CONTINUE

TO BE VULNERABLE BECAUSE... AS

WE'VE DISCUSSED REPEATEDLY...

OUR CURRENT IMMIGRATION SYSTEM

MAKES IT SOMEWHERE FROM

DIFFICULT TO IMPOSSIBLE FOR MANY

TO "COME IN THE RIGHT WAY."

THAT BOY IN THE BLUE HAT AND HIS

DAD WERE SCOOPED UP, DESPITE

BEING IN THE PROCESS OF SEEKING

ASYLUM.

AND WE'VE SHOWN YOU MULTIPLE

VIDEOS OF PEOPLE BEING ARRESTED

AS THEY SHOWED UP FOR THEIR

IMMIGRATION APPOINTMENTS.

AND THAT'S ACTUALLY A BIT OF A

TELL!

BECAUSE THAT'S CLEARLY NOT THIS

ADMINISTRATION TARGETING "THE

WORST OF THE WORST"... IT'S THEM

DESPERATELY TRYING TO JUICE UP

THEIR NUMBERS.

AND IT'S THE LAW THAT ALLOWS

THEM TO DO THAT.

AND THAT'S ACTUALLY SOMETHING

TOM HOMAN MADE A POINT OF

REITERATING TO PEOPLE WHEN HE

WAS FIRST SENT TO MINNESOTA TWO

WEEKS AGO.

>> FOR THE PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO

DON'T LIKE WHAT I.C.E. IS DOING,

IF YOU WANT CERTAIN LAWS

REFORMED, THEN TAKE IT UP WITH

CONGRESS.

AGAIN, I.C.E. ISN'T MAKING THIS

UP.

THEY'RE ENFORCING LAWS ENACTED

BY CONGRESS AND SIGNED BY

PRESIDENT.

THE SAME LAWS HAVE BEEN ON THE

BOOKS FOR THE LAST SIX

PRESIDENTS I WORKED FOR.

IF YOU DON'T LIKE WHAT I.C.E. IS

DOING, INSTEAD OF PROTESTING

THIS BUILDING, GO PROTEST

CONGRESS, TELL THEM YOU WANT

CHANGES.

>> John: WAIT, WHY JUST ONE OR

THE OTHER?

PEOPLE COULD ABSOLUTELY DO BOTH.

"POR QUE NO LOS DOS?"

IF I MAY QUOTE A PHRASE IT SEEMS

MOST NEW I.C.E. RECRUITS WILL

HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO CHANCE OF

UNDERSTANDING.

BUT HE IS RIGHT, TRUMP'S POLICY

OF MASS DEPORTATIONS IS BUILT ON

EXISTING LAWS.

AND IF AMERICA DOESN'T LIKE WHAT

THAT POLICY LOOKS LIKE, NOW

THEY'VE SEEN WHAT IT REALLY

MEANS, THEN IT NEEDS TO FUCKING

DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

TO THE EXTENT WE'RE ALL

HORRIFIED BY DAY LABORERS AND

GRANDFATHERS AND LITTLE KIDS IN

BUNNY HATS BEING TERRORIZED BY

MEN IN MASKS, THEN WE NEED TO

ELECT PEOPLE WHO'LL COMMIT TO

WRITING LAWS THAT REFLECT THAT.

AND I'VE GOT TO SAY, IT SAYS

SOMETHING THAT TO THE EXTENT

ANYONE OVER THE LAST FEW MONTHS

HAS BEEN PROTECTING OUR HOMELAND

AND KEEPING IT SECURE, IT'S NOT

BEEN KRISTI NOEM IN HER WIDE

ARRAY OF FUN OUTFITS OR

WHICHEVER 20-YEAR-OLD DIPSHIT

HAS BEEN PUMPING OUT

NAZI-FLAVORED CONTENT ON TWITTER

IT'S BEEN ORDINARY PEOPLE ON THE

STREETS OF MINNEAPOLIS, BLOWING

WHISTLES, DELIVERING FOOD TO

FRIENDS WHO ARE AFRAID TO LEAVE

THEIR HOUSES, AND MARCHING IN

THE COLD EVEN THOUGH THEY'VE GOT

GODDAMN WORK IN THE MORNING,

BECAUSE... IF I MAY QUOTE THAT

GLORIOUSLY FROZEN MIDWESTERN MAN

... THEY BELIEVE WE'RE ALL HUMAN

BEINGS HERE, AND THIS IS FUCKING

WRONG.

AND NOW THIS.

>> Announcer: AND NOW,

LOCAL NEWS REACTS TO A FLORIDA

DELICACY PARKA.

>> WELCOME BACK.

FREEZING WEATHER IN

SOUTH FLORIDA, SOME PEOPLE HAVE

GOTTEN CREATIVE ABOUT WHAT TO DO

WITH ALL THE INVASIVE LIZARDS.

FAIR WARNING, TAKE A BREAK FROM

BREAKFAST FOR JUST A MINUTE

PARKA.

>> IGUANA MEAT PIZZA.

WHERE THE IGUANA'S ALREADY DEAD

OR DYING?

>> THEY ARE STUNNED.

>> YOU CAN'T EAT LIKE A DEAD

ANIMAL.

THAT'S A SANITARY...

>> THEY ARE KILLING THEM?

AND THE EATING THEM.

THAT'S LEGAL?

>> YES?

>> SANITIZE.

>> THE FACT THAT YOU HAVE TO

IDENTIFY THAT IT HAS BEEN

SANITIZED.

>> THIS AIN'T DIRTY IGUANA ME TO

THIS IS SANITIZED IGUANA MEETS.

>> EXCUSE ME, ONE MORE TIME?

>> A PIZZA.

>> WHY?

>> John: THAT'S OUR SHOW.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR WATCHING.

WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.

GOOD NIGHT!

♪ ♪