Original subtitles

Great job on the care package, team.

Yeah. It's really gonna help Penny get over the breakup

and her post-Pete-m depression.

And before you ask, yes, I've already trademarked that.

Welp, instead of a care package,

I made Penny a "dare" package.

Yep. It's a list daring her to live life to the fullest.

So you spent no money.

"Laugh out loud in a library."

"Makeover a nerd to win a bet." Hmm.

"Have brunch with a rabbi."

Ooh, I'd have brunch with a rabbi.

Maybe someone'll finally teach me

how to properly slice a bagel.

Okay. So who's gonna help me bring this over to Penny's?

Not me. I got a thing.

Who's Penny? Come on.

It's not gonna be that bad.

Are you kidding? She's already three days

into her post-breakup cocooning process.

Right now, she's living out of her bed, binge eating...

I made the mistake of going in too soon once.

Pen, I know you're still sad 'cause Robert broke up with you,

so I brought you some...

Max! Max!

Max!

Haven't eaten pancakes since.

You're eating pancakes now.

Huh? Oh.

Haven't eaten waffles since.

Nope. Eatin' those, too. Okay.

Oh. Guys, I gotta get my life together.

Yeah, you do! You're a mess.

I'm a mess.

Hey, kids. It's back! Shoot it!

Wound it! Shoot it! Oh.

Hey, Pen. You look amazing. What gives?

I feel great.

I guess I didn't need to cocoon because I broke up with Pete.

So I've just been enjoying some much needed "me" time.

For example, I've gotten back to my theater roots.

I wrote a play.

- Oh. - Oh.

- I didn't know that was in your... - That's something.

Well, I guess I'll go back to my theater viewing roots

and I'll sleep through your play.

Aw! You'll come! Thank you!

Oh! You didn't realize that I was trying to insult you!

You can't insult me because I know that beneath your soft exterior

there's an even softer interior.

Soft exterior.

You got them thangs. Everybody knows that.

Oh.

Aw.

Is this the play?

Huh. That was from Pen.

You know, she really seems like she's doing well.

Breakups are tough,

but what she did was a strong move by a strong woman.

She's basically Mary J. Blige.

Now are we talking emotionally strong like Mary J. Blige,

or physically strong like Mary J. Blige?

'Cause MJB looks like she could throw up some plates.

Oh, I bet she could carry me like a baby.

Well, I gotta go.

Um, I found a store that carries low-carb edible underwear.

No, it's not for sex. It's just a great snack.

Zesty ranch.

Don't do that.

It's my fave.

That's disgusting.

Just get some zesty ranch chips.

Sorry to interrupt, but I'm Brandon Tyverson.

I work for a company that specializes in guerilla marketing.

Would you all be interested in becoming tastemakers?

Hold up. So we come up with a taste, you make it, and we get paid?

Super Chicken. Go.

Almond Sweat. Go.

Pretzel Cheese. Go.

Falafel Paste. Go.

No, no, no. See, uh...

People have become cynical about traditional advertising.

My company pays real folks like you

to promote our products in a more natural way.

Dude, if you can't make Super Chicken, it's cool.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. So I've watched your group.

I think you guys would be perfect.

You're hip. You're diverse.

You're like a fresh new take on a gay guy.

Yeah, with fresh new takes on life...

White chocolate? Better than dark.

Texting while driving? Sorry, I have friends.

Rihanna and Chris Brown? I get it, RiRi.

Good stuff. Well, we'd love to hire you guys

and your friend, that tall blonde that just left.

Would she be interested?

Would we have to split the money three ways?

Yes. Then, no.

Max, I can't ice out my sister just to make a few extra bucks.

Alex, last month you paid your store's rent

by showing your landlord your feet.

I'm in.

Was that my phone?

Uh, no, unless your ringtone is

the incomparable Joe Gordon-Levitt

carrying this episode of 3rd Rock from the Sun.

Ugh. Sorry. I'm waiting for Derrick to call.

His theater group might put up my play.

Have you guys heard of the Steppenwolf Theater?

Hell, yeah! Of course!

Then you should be able to find Derrick's theater.

It's right around the corner from that

and above a pho restaurant.

Pen, if you want, I'd be happy to give you my thoughts on your play.

As you might recall,

I was a theater critic for my college paper.

"'Brigadoon'? More like 'Briga-don't."'

Damn it. Why didn't I come up with that then?

OI' Brad was a bit of a theater guy, too.

When I was a kid, I was in an all-white production of The Wiz.

No one really eased on down the road.

It was more of a stiff, uncoordinated lumbering.

Love-ing it!

Really? So you're gonna put the play on?

No. I drove all the way here, didn't like what I had on,

went home to change, stopped at the new whole foods

so I could peep the crazy ripped Guatemalan stock boy,

just so I could come here and tell you I won't put it on.

So does that mean you're putting it on or not?

Yes, you stupid, clumsy bitch!

Yay!

Aah!

Stupid, clumsy bitch!

She's so stupid.

You're a clumsy bitch and you're so stupid!

Clumsy and stupid! Okay.

Oh! I love you.

You're the worst.

Check out all this cool stuff Brandon sent us to sell.

I mean, spearmint scotch,

lens-less glasses,

this super cool conditioning mist for your hair.

Hey, guys.

I just came to see if you've heard from Penny.

Great cover.

What's in the box?

Oh, you know, just box stuff.

Oh. So you're not trying to be a tastemaker with Alex?

Ugh! You and your ability to read.

Look, after you left Rosalita's...

...we were approached by a marketing guy,

and he asked us if we wanted to do it.

Ooh! Can I do it with you guys?

Oh, Jane.

You're a great person, salt of the dang earth.

Mmm. But a tastemaking trendsetter ya ain't.

Oh. Okay.

When I was in third grade, I created a new in/outbox homework system.

It was the talk of the school. Even got interviewed.

Granted, it was from the school psychologist,

who was concerned that an 8-year-old would spend every recess creating it.

But that does not mean it wasn't a super efficient system.

And it would've caught on.

Wow.

Moving stuff, Jane.

But the fact is, Max and I are so far down the road

on this tastemaking thing.

I mean...

We've already opened the box.

And we love you, but the wheels are in motion.

And once the bus starts, it's hard to make it stop.

Fine. I don't wanna be tastemakers with you losers anyway.

Oof.

Angry storm outs are trending so low right now.

Suh low. So low.

Oh, thank you so much for coming to a reading of my play.

I look forward to your feedback,

as long as it's constructive, honest,

and tells me everything in my play is perfect.

Sounds good?

What are you doin'?

I'm just giving these a little test run.

I wanna see if this tastemaking thing is legit.

Max, are you seriously wearing glasses with no lenses?

Maybe. Dude, I've seen you do

some really dumb things before, but this...

is not one of them.

Those are cool.

And this is coming from a guy

who wore a bandana around his jeans leg in high school,

so I know what I speak of.

Yes!

And now let us begin our journey.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I present you...

Black Plague: A Love Story.

Now we will be holding auditions in two days,

but for tonight, you guys will be my actors.

Brad, will you honor us by playing the role of Clete?

Clete? Clete...

is a very interesting name.

Clete is the very attractive, well-meaning young man

who's about to ask the love of his life to marry him.

Jane. Oh. Yeah?

"Clete" rhymes with "Pete."

Just a real eagle eye there, Alex.

And I will be playing the role of the Black Plague.

The evil, malignant foe of love,

intent on destroying the earnest heart of the unsuspecting Clete.

Oh, boy.

Okay.

Wait, Penny wrote a play about a guy who's about to get his heart ripped out?

Yeah.

Is this about Dave?

Sure.

"I'm ruined.

"The Plague came to me disguised as a gentle breeze,

"but turned into a foul wind that broke my heart.

"I hate you, Plague!"

"And I deserve that hate.

"I destroy love and all that is good.

"That's what I do."

The end.

What'd you guys think?

Uh... Um...

Um...

Really interesting.

You know? And that makes me think,

did you come up with this randomly or...

Or is it personal, or...

Why? What... What are you saying?

Well, Pen, I mean,

your character destroys the heart of a man named Clete.

Guys, it's a character.

Would you ask Anthony Hopkins if he were really a cannibal?

Would you ask Tom Hanks if he owns Bubba Gump Shrimp?

Although, I think he actually does.

I think he got a very healthy piece of the backend merch.

The point is, I have poured my heart and soul and artistry

into this creative endeavor,

and the least you guys could do is be supportive.

Ooh.

Well, I think it's pretty obvious why she's upset.

She must know that that second act has some real problems.

I mean, Black Plague?

More like Hack Plague. Am I right?

Yeah.

Black Plague-Hack Plague. Don't forget it.

Whoa. What was that?

What is it? What's happening? What is that?

That's a recorder. You don't have to tell yourself not to forget it.

You're already doing that.

Wow. Unbelievable.

And this is all because of Alex and Max's conditioning mist?

This is amazing.

I know. The guy at the guitar store said

I had the hair of a white Aziz Ansari.

He's not wrong.

Mmm. Wow.

Sadly, this is not weird anymore.

Oh. Honey. Um...

Why aren't you at lunch with Penny?

She canceled. I think she's avoiding me.

I think she's avoiding everyone.

She's not even Instagraming anymore.

She hasn't posted a picture of an appetizer all week.

I'm really concerned about her.

Yeah.

I mean, she has clearly not dealt with this breakup.

Someone's gotta get through to her.

Yeah.

Maybe if a couple of guys who've had a rough breakup talk to her,

she'd realize that Pete's gonna be fine.

Oh, yeah. I can handle that. Yeah.

I got dumped by a girl in high school,

licked my wounds, got way into anime, and moved on.

And I had no problem getting over the whole Alex thing,

especially once we got back together.

Yeah, that... So that... Yeah.

Um, I think Brad should maybe take the lead on this.

You could come in and then bounce it back to Brad,

and then maybe don't talk at all.

Yeah.

Dive right back into there.

Get in there.

Don't be afraid to go deep. Nice.

Let me see those eyebrows. They're pretty good.

Ooh, they're nice.

How about that goatee?

No one touches the goatee.

Right.

Excuse me.

I don't normally do this, but,

you have the hair of a Greek shipping magnate's worthless son.

Thanks. I get that a lot.

And that's because I use

this awesome conditioning mist.

Wow.

Hey, is that stuff really good?

Oh, it's better than good.

It's fantastic.

I wouldn't use that if I were you.

Just a heads-up.

Name's Devin.

Yeah, I'm a girl with a boy's name.

I'm a bit of a trendsetter that way.

Devin.

What's wrong with the mist?

It seeps in through your pores,

loosens up your bones.

You want loose bones?

You wanna be like a... I don't.

A drunk marionette?

Don't listen to her. She obviously has mental problems.

Yeah, 'cause I used the conditioning mist.

And now me skull can't hold me brain right.

What are you doing?

Stop that, Jane! Stop it! What?

Your bones are fine, Jane!

And why are you Irish now?

This is weird. You're weird. Get out.

Dog darn it! What the heck?

Jane, why are you sabotaging us?

I am not gonna stand by

while you guys prey on the gullibility of the public.

You are no better than Bernie Madoff

or that guy who started Earth Day.

I don't know how you guys live with yourselves.

Do you wanna be a tastemaker with us?

Yes!

Yes!

It's so pathetic, Jane.

I can see right through you.

I don't want comedians. I want actors.

Hey, Pen.

We wanted to talk to you guy to girl, mano y manette,

about how your play is maybe sort of a metaphor

for your relationship and such.

Ooh. I would love nothing more

than to unpack the subtext of my work,

even though you couldn't be more wrong.

But I kinda gotta finish auditions.

We're having a really hard time finding a Clete.

No, Penny! This is serious. We're worried about you.

You need to find a healthy way to deal with your breakup.

Oh, my God.

You couldn't be more right.

Yes.

For the role of Clete.

That passion,

the raw manness, the...

What? What?

I don't know why I didn't see this at the read.

Where was that at the read?

I don't know.

Girl, what you doing back there?

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Now, you have theater experience, is that correct?

Well, I mean...

I haven't really kept up with my acting.

I mean, aside from memorizing every one

of Taye Diggs' monologues from Private Practice.

But that's just to stay sharp, and...

Damn it, Penny, that's not the point!

There it is again.

That is so Clete.

Brad, you must do this role.

Penny, no!

I will not do this role.

I will define it.

Wait a minute. Wait. This is insane.

All right, this is insane.

What about me?

You know I love the theater. What can I do?

I have the perfect role for you.

Head stage tech?

Dave, you're such a student of the theater.

Who better to create the visual and audio palette

to make my play pop?

Please?

I don't want another "briga-don't" on my hands.

Okay.

I'll briga-do it.

Briga-do it. Okay.

All right. Let's make some taste.

Now, I have a couple notes on the script.

Take it easy, noob.

We've been doing this for literally days.

You're right. I don't have to be in charge,

even though it's better when I am.

Walk me through it. It's simple.

We tell Brandon what products we need and send him a check.

Then he sends us the goods.

We go out, we tell everyone how cool they are,

and then he pays us.

Cool, cool, cool.

Can we just circle back to the part

where you pay Brandon for the products?

Well, he's not just gonna give it to us for free, Jane.

Sometimes you are such a blonde.

Oh. Okay.

How much have you paid him for the products so far?

2,500 bucks. Oh, okay.

How much has he paid you?

$373 a-pure a-profit.

Tic-tac-toe. Tic-tac-toe.

Well, you're being scammed.

I'm out.

Best o' luck.

I gotta tell you, she does not understand business.

Yeah, like she doesn't buy all those cars at her work

before she sells them?

All right, check it out. In order to truly inhabit the role of Clete,

I'm going method and living as if I'm in the 1300s.

All right? Fun fact, I am property.

Hey, guys, couple quick tweaks.

Brad, in the scene where Clete calls me

"a foul, heartless scourge,"

could you add the words "selfish" and "vomitous" before "foul"?

- Uh... - Thanks, bud.

And, Dave, when I first enter,

could you pipe some type of noxious smell into the audience?

Like a quarter-pound of shrimp

you forgot was in your baby's diaper kind of thing?

I really want the audience to be sickened by very sight of me.

Cool beans!

Dude...

We were supposed to help her, but she played us.

Yep. She knew exactly what every straight dude would be distracted by.

Sweet Lady Theater.

Come on.

Ahem. Pen.

We gotta talk. This play is about Pete.

What are you talking about? Pete who?

Oh, Pete Sampras?

I have moved on so much,

I literally have no idea to which Pete you are referring.

And besides, this is neither the time nor the place.

So when is the right time, Pen?

Whenever someone brings it up, you try to avoid the subject.

We're not gonna rehearse until we talk about this.

If you're not gonna rehearse, then you're fired.

Fine.

Good luck finding someone to learn my lines by opening night.

And good luck finding someone

who can open and close the curtains.

I'll get Derrick to play Clete,

and I'll just prop open the curtains with a sandbag.

Wait.

Good luck finding a sandbag with a goatee and a heart of honey!

Yeah!

I'm willing to negotiate.

This is going to be rough.

Yeah.

I can't believe that you and Dave couldn't get through to Penny.

Really? You can't believe it?

We're idiots, Jane. That's how we've always done it.

All we can do now is be here for Penny, as brutal as it's gonna be.

And it's gonna be pretty brutal,

because Derrick as Clete is the biggest miscasting

since portobello mushrooms started filling in for burgers.

Dude, let it go. We're here to support our friend.

Who's opening this curtain?

It should be a fluid wave of velvet.

England, 1348.

Smell that germ-free air.

Are you kidding me?

Life is good, so soon I will ask my true love to marry me

with my grandmother's ring.

Ohh!

Hark, it is I,

the Black Plague,

the worst disaster ever and destroyer of love.

I have come to ruin this noble man's life and heart.

Ahh.

♪ My heart is bursting inside of me

♪ So will your boils from leprosy

♪ Joy and love, I have a surplus

♪ Too bad I'll fill your lungs with pus

♪ Pandemic of the heart

♪ It's a pandemic of the heart

♪ It's a pandemic of the heart

♪ It's a pandemic of the heart

♪ It's a pandemic of the heart

♪ It's a pandemic of the heart! ♪

♪ All around me is blue-bonic

♪ I feel so blue-bonic

♪ No leeches, potions, or tonic

♪ Can heal my blue-bonic ♪

Okay, I can't take much more of this.

Don't worry. It's almost over.

The Black Plague is about to infect Clete.

What?

All around me is death.

All hope seems lost,

but at least I get to marry my one true love.

No force on earth is cruel enough to take that away from me.

♪ What is that?

♪ Is that a plague I see before me?

♪ I'll say again ♪

Is that a plague I see before me?

Plague? Hello, Plague!

I can't do this. I can't do this.

♪ Yes, you can

♪ Because we only have the theater till 4:00

♪ And we need to clean it up

♪ Before Cheri Oteri's one-woman show comes in

♪ Because she's gonna go ballistic ♪

No, I can't do this. I cannot break your heart again.

Only a horrible person would do that to someone so sweet.

I'm so sorry for what I did, Pete.

I mean, Clete.

Ohh, she's having a full-on breakdown.

I know what to do.

Max! Trust me.

In two weeks, you're gonna wanna remember this.

Dave, I have an idea. Come with me. Go.

Well, I guess I'll just keep dancing

until the plague stops being a selfish...

Aw, man!

Now WorldstarHipHop won't take that video.

Three, two, one. Let there be light.

It is I,

the real Clete,

who knows how to conduct himself when things go south onstage.

Plague, you do not have to feel guilty for what you've done.

I should feel guilty.

I devastated Pete. I ruined his life.

Only a terrible person would do that.

Maybe I don't deserve love.

Penny, stop. You're a good person. All right?

A bad person would've married him anyway

and ridden the couch with him into middle age.

Sitting in silence, watching reruns of Becker,

and originals of the reboot of Becker

called New Adventures of Old Becker.

I'd watch that.

Yeah, eye on the ball, buddy.

Oh. Right.

But take it from a guy. You did him a favor.

You didn't want to spend the rest of your life with him.

Now he's free to find someone who does.

Really?

Yeah, really.

Pete will get over this, and so will you.

In the long run, it'll all be for the best.

Brighter days ahead, Pen.

Don't you lose her, David. Don't you lose her!

So you're saying people should...

♪ Thank the Black Plague for what it did? ♪

Oh, my God. She's crazy.

♪ Um, wouldn't exactly phrase it like that

♪ Kinda killed millions of people ♪

♪ The Black Plague will rise again

♪ Spreadin' 'round town and findin' men

♪ Hallelujah!

Little help here, Dave!

♪ The Black Plague will rise again

♪ Spreadin' 'round town and findin' men ♪

Ooh! Smoke!

I'm gonna get out of here.

Prometheus?

More like "amateur-metheus." Am I right?

- Am I right? - No.

"Amateur-metheus." Gold.

- Okay. - Gold?

Hey, how much does that thing... Dink!

- Hey, hey, hey. - Ahh!

Look at that.

Yeah. Let's see what kind of gems are in this treasure chest.

David, always remember,

don't call a person "sailor"

unless you're absolutely positive that person's a sailor.

Oh, yeah, you do that all the time.

You do that all the time.

Ooh! New downstairs hair design idea,

double lightning bolt. Win-win.

All right, I think we've all had a nice window...

Personal note, I really, really love my friends...

Aw, Dave!

...in the following order.

What's that? Wait a minute.