All language subtitles for 71C90F810A5A0E33C057E893122BBC59_eng

Can I have a shot glass, please?

Photo sent.

Stay on this heading
for about 6h30min.

Turn left at the
Aurora Borealis.

When you see something that looks like
a frozen gall bladder, that's Greenland.

Hang a soft right there.

- All set there, Mr. Hauser?
- Yeah, thank you.

Guidestar!

Guidestar!

Welcome back.

Hotel? Dinner reservations?
Movie tickets, maybe?

Mr. Hauser Is there
something else you need?

I don't know. I feel...

Go on.

Like a refuge from the
Island of Dr. Moreau.

Some morally inverted, twisted
character from a Celine novel.

The hot sauce helps.

You still getting those
nightmares you told me about?

They're coming back faster and faster. I
don't know if I can keep outrunning 'em.

That'll be it,
Jerry. I gotta go.

You bet, Mr. Hauser. GuideStar
wants you to feel secure.

GuideStar.

Be still my trembling hands,
for how you would tremble...

if you knew where I
would take you next.

Incoming message.

Incoming message.

You got him on the
comm there? Bring it over.

Hello, Hauser!

Hello, Mr. Vice President.

I haven't been vice
president for five months.

Otherwise, this all might
be a conflict of interest.

Tamerlane and the U.S. government,
and I in particular, were cleared...

of any and all violations of federal,
state and international laws...

by the bipartisan committee.

Just read the report.

I'm sure anything you weren't
supposed to be doing you were cleared of.

And of course I was preemptively
pardoned by the president.

I got the snapshots.
Love your work.

- We're all big fans.
- Yes.

Let's see if the damn Krauts...

will cross us in the
Security Council now.

We seem to be heading
southeast. Where am I going?

Hope you like the
smell of fresh liberation.

Give me a sec.

I gotta growler down
there the size of a cane frog.

Turaqistan.

What's the gig?

Omar Sharif.

- Omar Sharif? - Yeah.

The CEO of Ugi Gas, the
Ugikistani conglomerate.

He is building a pipeline
through his country.

We didn't liberate Turaqistan
to get hustled by a fez head.

Terminate.

Do do that voodoo
that you do so well.

You'll be working directly under the
viceroy just appointed by the president.

His identity is still being
withheld on a need to know basis.

- And no one needs to know.
- He asked for you personally.

- What's my cover?
- Trade show producer.

Trade show? What
show? What show?

It's gonna be huge.

Tamerlane is sponsoring
a trade expo, Brand USA.

It's our big launch bringing
democracy to this part of the world.

We've bombed the shit out of
them, there's a lot of rebuilding to do.

- Shows a nice spirit.
- Somebody has to help them.

This is a great opportunity
for Tamerlane and the U.S.

Not to mention the
people of Turaqistan.

And to top it all off, there's gonna
be a gala wedding. Isn't that great?

Seems like a pretty elaborate cover.
I'm gonna be responsible for all that shit?

This is a historic moment.

The first war ever to be 100%
outsourced to private enterprise.

Tamerlane jets, Tamerlane
tanks, Tamerlane soldiers.

And to top it all off,
the Brand USA expo.

It's your show, baby.

Welcome to the
Turaqi Green Zone, sir.

Tamerlane welcomes
Expo Turaqistan, Brand USA.

Welcome to Turaqistan,
sir. I'm Marsha Dillon...

hoping you're ready to kill.

I've been briefed.

SPF-Eighty-seven, sir.

- Shall we?
- Yes.

It all looks good.

Great lights.

Take out the Tamercard.

What's your cover, by the way?

Undergrad Wharton with a masters in
communication at the Annenberg School.

- Very impressive.
- Well, it's fake.

- Tell me that's not the stage?
- I think it is.

East, honey, east.

Do you want people turning away
from the stage to pray five times a day?

Cultural sensitivity. That's
what we're about here.

Sorry, sir.

What exactly is wrong
with my credentials?

I've been cleared. My
colleagues are going in.

- Am I being singled out for some reason?
- I can't allow that.

Very curious.

- Find out who she is.
- Very curious situation.

- Let's go, ma'am.
- Oh. Okay.

And set up a meeting
with her in my office.

Do I have an office?

Great. Carry on.

Yes, and I'll just try to
rearrange the entire place.

- Just see if you can spin it.
- Yes.

Ms. Hegalhuzen.

Your 2:30's here.

I read your piece
in "Atlantic Monthly".

Very provocative.

- Nice office.
- It's bulletproof.

Send her in.

Passion. This is beautiful.

Thank you!

Hey, okay, okay,
we'll be in touch.

- It's a gift. I brought a gift to you.
- Thank you.

- It's a form of dance.
- Thank you. Good stuff.

Pay-for-view TV. Next week!

And you are an angel.

Thanks for the bag!

Ms. "Hugelhazen".

Hegalhuzen.

- Hegalhuzen. Brand Hauser.
- Hello.

- Hi.
- Hey.

Come on in.

Now...

Holy shit!

So, you're here to cover
our little trade show...

"that's being billed as a
liberating Turaqistan..."

satisfy the American consumer's
dreams just the opposite now.

The proposed Expo Turaqistan offers
nothing more than the auctioning of...

Turaqistan's future to the cause
of profit and international branding.

Yeah, I remember
that because I wrote it.

There's no corruption here. Just
read the Silverman James Report.

I have. It's bullshit.

Look. We've already kicked out of
this place. What are we supposed to do?

Turn our backs on all of the
entrepreneurial possibilities?

Business is human response
to a moral or cosmic crisis.

Whether it's a tsunami or a
sustained aerial bombardment...

there's the same urgent
call for urban renewal.

When did they start attacking
inside the Emerald City?

I wouldn't call that an attack.

Well, technically, that was a
bombing. At least it sounded like it was.

Not an attack, which
would imply something else.

Do you really think
I'm as bad as all this?

- I don't know anything about you.
- Would you like to?

It's my job.

You make it sound so
tedious. Could be fun.

- Then why don't I begin?
- Thought you'd never ask.

Would you excuse
me for one minute?

- Call me soon.
- When?

You'll feel it.

- All righty then. Where were we?
- I haven't said anything yet.

Excellent, 'cause I don't
remember hearing anything.

- Then we're off to a great start.
- What can I do for you?

Why do I have access?
Even on such a low level.

Ouch.

All my writings have called this
a violation of international law...

and its practitioners
are criminals.

Do you really believe
all the stuff you write?

Anyone who could cause this much
mayhem when he didn't have to?

The amount of
suffering that I've seen?

Hang on.

Okay. Hold on a sec.

But the way I
look at it is this.

The day we can actually feel and
hear all the suffering of mankind...

that's the day when the
Christ will come back.

So we got that going for
us. I'll be out in a minute.

Or the Buddha, or Allah,
whoever floats your boat.

Ms. Hagenhazel.

- Call me Natalie.
- Natalie.

I really must run. I feel like we're
on the verge of something important.

Do you think we could continue
this conversation over drinks?

- Drinks?
- Yeah, I know a friendly place.

Marsha, will you set
that up? 9, 10-ish?

Unattended cars will be
crushed and incinerated.

Hello, sir. Welcome to
Popeye's. How can I help you?

I'll have crawfish etouffee, the Big
Flava chicken sandwich with Boss Sauce...

and to top off my meal,
a frothy orange drink.

- I'm here to see the viceroy.
- Sir.

Don't mention his
name. Follow me!

Okay!

Let's go, boys. One,
two, one, two march!

- He's not here?
- Closed circuit, sir.

Welcome to liberated
Turaqistan, Hauser.

Big fan. Have been for ages.

Sorry for the secret
identity bullshit...

but it's a brave new security.

I'll be contacting you by phone,
but if you wish to contact me...

you'll have to come
here to the bunker, 'kay?

Omar Sharif. He's staying at the Freedom
Grand through the closing ceremony.

Make sure he doesn't
make his plane.

Got it.

Now, about this
closing ceremony...

It looks like we Yonica Babyyeah
wedding. Incredible, huh?

What is a Yonica Babyyeah?

The Britney Spears
of Central Asia.

Kids from Baca to
Yemen are nuts for her.

Anyway. The point is...

this weddin' is the grand
finale of the trade show.

This is the biggest extravaganza
in the history of Central Asia.

And it's the centerpiece
of our P.R. blitz here.

It's perfect branding
synergy, Hauser.

Blends the image of an American-style
woman getting her own and getting it on.

A great new
democratic dynasty...

with all the strength and
virility of traditional warlords.

Exactly. That's
why you're the best.

Overall, we see it as a
pretty irresistible package.

We're getting worldwide coverage,
U.S. networks, Sky Channel, Al Jazeera...

so make it big buddy.

See she gets everything she
wants and make this a grand finale...

the world will never forget.

You bet.

Jeff? So, listen. I met this guy...
No, he's just some mid-level schmo.

Anyway, I think if I play him right, I
can get a pass out of the Green Zone...

and I can see what's
really going on here.

No chip for me, thanks.

Ma'am, you really won't get the
full experience without the chip.

Doctor's orders. I get hives.

Welcome to Implanted
Journalist Experience.

Thanks to cutting-edge
Tamerlane Interactive Technology...

we are now able to reduce the risk
of journalist mortality to virtually zero.

The Combat-o-Rama
Implantation Device...

will allow you to experience
full spectrum sensory reality.

Over the next seventy-two hours,
some of you may experience...

headaches, nausea and some
muscle pain. This is normal.

If symptoms of epilepsy
occur, please notify your doctor.

Thanks and enjoy the ride.

Mr. Hauser!

Mr. Hauser!

Yonica Baby is two minutes
from arrival. We need to go.

Yonica! I love you!

Jesus Christ.

Hi. Welcome. How was traffic?

I hear those checkpoints
can be murder.

Where is dressing
room? I'm fucking wasted.

Well, let me show you.

She needs Popeye
ten-piece box. All white meat.

Extra crispy, extra spicy.
Diet Coke. You get it?

And pickles.

She wants pickles.
Clausen classic dill pickles.

- Pickles?
- Yeah.

- All right...
- You are big boss?

- I guess I am, yeah.
- How big?

Don't do that.

Confiscate that film.

I do what I want. Okay?

Of course you do and
we're excited to have you.

Don't get too excited.

I'm not that excited. Let me
show you to your dressing room.

Get some chicken, pickles.
And whatever you want.

Come on in. Hi. Nice
work with the bat.

How are you? Hi, good luck.

Hi. Mr. Pickle. Las
Vegas. Mr. Federline.

The impending marriage
of Central Asian pop star...

and Ooq-Mi-Fay Taqnufmini the
scion of the powerful Turaqi clan.

The marriage. A symbol
of democratization...

or a sleazy public
relations stunt?

Yes or no?

Natalie.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Jesus. What is this place?

It's the Freedom Grand.
How do you like it?

Guess I could go with
strange love in the desert.

Weird. Rarefied. Coven-like.

- Stop me if I'm rambling.
- Stop. Sit.

Can I get a double bourbon?
Vodka twist? How's that?

- Okay.
- Thank you.

So, you're producing the big...

Freedom's on the March
economic land-grab masquerade.

Are you with Tamerlane
employee or a freelance producer?

That's complicated.
Let's get to that later.

I just wanted to
get to know you.

Okay, tell me about yourself.

Just doing this gig, trying to
make the best of a bad situation.

Looking for redemption in all the wrong
places. Stop me now if I'm rambling.

- Okay, stop.
- How about you?

How about me what?

You know, tell me about
you. Where're you from?

Who gives a fuck?
Are you serious?

I'm serious as a deacon. I'd like
to get to know you as a person.

For God's sakes... why?

Well, what the hell else are we
gonna do on this dark and lonely night?

So you wanna seduce the
journalist whose politics you despise?

How dare you? I
have no politics.

Everyone does, even
if they don't know it.

- Not me.
- Just a straight mercenary?

I'm a host. I'm a
showman. I'm an organizer.

There's just people here. Some
good, some bad. All interesting.

You seem like an interesting person
and I try not to over-think these things.

You're a clever guy. Some
would even call you charming.

But it gets tired, doesn't it? All that
patter, the show biz, it's just a mask.

There's gotta be a person
in there somewhere.

Did you know that "person" comes from
the Latin word persona which means mask?

Being human means
we invite spectators...

to ponder what lies behind.

Each of us would be
composed of a variety of masks.

And if we can see behind the
mask, we would get a burst of clarity.

If that flame was bright
enough, then we fall in love.

What's your opinion
on these divine matters?

I'm not gonna fuck you.
You know that, right?

Oh, I hope that you
know that somewhere.

I sense you're such
an angry woman.

You're just intent to laying
waste to all of us, aren't you?

That was the best half-true
frontier gibberish I've heard.

Thanks.

- Hey. Listen.
- Yes?

All access pass to the trade
show, compliments of the house.

- Don't be a stranger.
- I won't be.

Now, let's get
these passe's right.

Ayat, a little knee jerk.

Make it work. Make it work.

Very good.

All in the legs, girls.

How many times do we
have to say this? Ayat!

Higher!

Big smile, Reshbeck!
For God's sake.

Thank you.

You're back for
some more gibberish.

You remember Marsha?
This is Peter Parker.

Choreographer, worked with
Rob Marshall, all the big musicals.

It's incredible. Each girl is
a trans-femoral amputee...

who had lost her leg
during the liberation.

And thanks to Tamerlane, we can
have you up and dancing in no time.

Just another example of
how American know-how...

alleviates the
suffering it creates.

Look at this. Hamy Shenkman had her leg
blown off by an M-18 Claymore landmine.

And, Conyel Bisland... an
M-72 rocket-propelled grenade...

that mistakenly
hit her high school.

And Tamerlane used the exact same
RPG firing pin rod assembly technology...

that it uses in the
prosthetic knees of its.

Talk about vertical integration.

It's hot in here. Let
me get that for ya.

Krishmish, come over here.

This is Ms. Hegalhuzen, she's
writing a story about the show.

All right. Okay.

Ms. Babyyeah's ready
for her run-through.

We've gotta go. My trade
show's your trade show.

Come on, girls. Gather here.

You say you want
to invade me, baby.

You say you want
to enslave me, baby.

I want to blow you up.

You say you want
to free me, baby.

BGut you cannot
even see me, baby.

I want to blow you up.

I want to blow you
sky high, high, go fly.

I want to blow.

You.

You want to occupy
my heart and soul.

A black widow in a spider hole.

I want to blow you up.

I want to blow you up.

I want to blow you
down if it's okay.

Mr. Hauser, how do you feel
about the image of Turaqi women...

My coat!

Cut!

So there's this reporter
who really despises me.

I mean, she doesn't really despise
me, she despises what I represent.

I think if she knew the real
me, she'd hate me even more.

I mean, don't you think?

I wasn't there.
Does it really matter?

Actually, I think I just
like the sound of her voice.

I could listen to her
revile me for hours.

Do you think with her, the
reporter I mean, it's just about sex?

- What do you mean just?
- I don't know.

There's this Turaqi pop star. She
disturbs me and I can't figure out why.

Could you be attracted
to her sexually?

No, are you crazy?
She's just a little...

I'm not calling you in the
middle of the night, Mr. Hauser.

- I gotta go. - Whatever.

You're a fuckin' asshole.

GuideStar!

This has to end for me, sir.
I want a different kind of life.

I want to get
married, start a family.

Operation Chickenhawk
never ends.

The ceaseless epic
struggle to dominate...

the destiny of man obliges his noble
cares to continually purge the world...

of those who are evil-doers.

But that's not just working
for me right now, sir.

A woman?

You and I, Hauser,
are a part of a rug hook.

All these years I felt a special
bond. Don't you feel that?

No.

Well, you think about it.

If you still feel this way
in a couple of days...

I already told you, sir.

- That'll be all.
- Yes, sir.

Marsha, this is
kind of a bad time.

Hey! I wanted to give you the heads
up. A delivery should be there any second.

When, now?

Oh, shit.

Sir, I have your
dry cleaning, sir!

Thank you. Thank you.

I need the ticket, sir.

- I have that somewhere.
- Yeah, I need that claim ticket, sir.

I think I put it... should be
around here somewhere.

- You're talking about the claim ticket?
- It's around here somewhere.

- Sir, can you hurry?
- Yep.

Sir, I gotta have
that ticket or...

No, no...

Oh, here it is.

- Sir, you have a nice day.
- Sure.

Yo, yo, yo, mother fuckers!

It's me.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Straight from the dry in
Rammstein, Germany.

You can't believe these guys. 20
years ahead of the rest of the world.

And this cost the U.S. taxpayers,
what? Three, four grand?

Be nice. I'm really
sorry about the jacket.

Okay.

Listen, would you like
to get a Turaqi coffee?

I hear they make it great here.
Cardamom mace. The good kind.

I was just about
to wash my hair.

It's a delicacy. Sweetened
with pomegranate honey.

One cup?

Give me a minute.

What?

There's just something irresistible
about a Western woman speaking Turaqi.

Is that a recognized
international phenomena?

No. It's a personal sensibility.

Look. I admit I don't actually
believe any of this stuff we say.

I mean, not in the sense that
I believe it to be actually true.

You talk too much. I
want to ask you something.

Doesn't it hurt you to put yourself
in such a contorted moral position?

Can you tell me, for example,
one completely honest thing?

One.

This is Donny
Loo's favorite juice.

It is rated at just under a
quarter million Scoville units.

When I find the demands
of life to be challenging...

I take a wee drop.

The more challenging...

the higher the Scoville units.

- Let me.
- Be careful.

But the trick, you see...

that I've taught myself, is to
never allow my eyes to tear up.

One completely honest thing.

If you really knew me, you'd
despise me even more than you do.

No. I don't despise you.

I don't really care enough.

Marsha.

It's fucking great.
Michael Bay can blow me.

He can and he should.

- We do all of Yonica's videos.
- We're blowing up.

A bad choice of words.

Listen, guys, this has
been great. Thank you.

I have another meeting. I have
to run. But I, I really enjoyed it.

Let us have some footage of the
wedding. We'll hook you up, dude.

Hey, we know everything
that goes on in Turaqistan.

No place we cannot go, no one
we don't know, nothing we cannot do.

Okay.

Does one of you have a
card? Whoever the leader is.

Here we go. The Jackpot.

Here, thank you. Thank you.

There you go. You have
his, and he has yours.

- Yes.
- He's got yours.

- It's gonna be great.
- Bye-bye, guys.

Where's my package?

The shipment left the
warehouse in Dubai 2 days ago.

We're tracking it.

Just get me a fuckin'
cobra, all right?

- A snake?
- Yeah. Chop-chop.

Come on, spit it out.

Is only me, Mr. Big.

Yonica. Hi.

Listen. Sorry about my reaction to
your song. I didn't mean to offend you.

No. I am sorry. I am so stupid to
not understand that you are woman.

Uh, sorry?

In Turaqi we have no word
for this. Same as for a woman.

No, no, no. That's not it.

I predict most
people. Why not you?

How my ass make you puke?

Bad babakanoosh or something.

I think you're lovely.
Stunning, actually.

- Lovely?
- Yes.

You think attractive?

Yep. Definitely.

- Does her ass make you puke?
- Who? Who? Who?

That skinny bitch reporter
with the tape recorder.

No.

You're a tit man. Do
you want massage?

Be a happy ending.

Does your father know
that you talk this way?

- My father?
- Yeah.

I do not speak to him anymore.

But he sends me money for
dancing lessons and singing lessons.

I am with Ooq-Mi-Fay now.

And he wants for
me to be big success.

Yonica rules. That
is what he says to me.

- What about your mother?
- Dead.

I'm sorry.

For why? You did not kill her.

I don't think so.

Too much sorry. Too much.

Jesus Christ! What
is wrong with you?

You are a fucking
asshole, do you know that?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

"I'm sorry". You're
always sorry.

Fuck you, Mr. Sorry. Fuck you.

Yonica, don't go away mad.

Marsha?

Get me a dinner reservation
tonight. Somewhere with soup.

So everything's OK? You're closing
some big deals at the trade show?

Is there an actual
reason for this meeting?

I am not big on bullshit.

I'm your host. I want you to
be happy nd that everything is...

well and you're taken care of.

A beautiful woman.

There is something we
can agree on after all, then.

Can you get me an introduction?

- She's a journalist.
- Who cares?

Sit. Don't eat all your soup.

Thank you.

So between your father's indictments,
were you still on the lacrosse team?

No. I actually blew out
my fuckin' knee. Hey, you.

Hey, we are doing
an interview here.

Omar Sharif wants to meet you.

- The actor?
- Better. The president of Ugi Gas.

Sorry. Just one minute.

I'm gonna pick this up in one.

Who do I have to shoot to
get a fuckin' drink around here?

What are you looking at?

What are you looking at?

Get back to normal!

Natalie Hegalhuzen, Omar Sharif.

Exquisitely
enraptured, ma chere.

- Pleased to meet you, too.
- Shall we dance?

How're you doin'?

How come we
Americans a hard time?

An interesting
conundrum, isn't it?

Very shrewd of you to ask.

What would I get
for telling you?

The thrill of knowing you're
my confidential source.

The thought of this
leaves me breathless.

My dear, let me explain
something to you.

The Americans had no plan.

Perhaps next year they
will invade my country.

And then, they will either
kill me or throw me in jail.

Or kill me in jail.

Or maybe make me president.

Or maybe make me
president, then kill me.

That still doesn't
answer you question.

Why hasn't the U.S.
stopped the Ugi Gas pipeline?

See what you can find out
about Operation Chickenhawk.

Chickenhawk?

Yeah, baby!

Get it out.

A message from the viceroy.

Freedom is messy.

Employees must wash
hands before returning to work.

What stinks here?

Yeah. You look like piece of
shit. You smell like piece of shit.

You want some shit?

Where're you
going? Night's young.

This place is crazy.

Would you like to come back
to my suite for a quiet drink?

Oh, no thank you, Omar. But I will
look into that thing about you told.

Enjoyed it.

- I think I'll go back to my hotel.
- Can I drive you?

Oh, no, that's okay.

Let me give you a lift. I can
help you. It's safer that way.

Please. I'll feel better.

When did all that
construction start?

Oh. They're diverting the river
Tures so it runs by the trade show.

They wanted a clear view from
the Tiki Room. It's cute, huh?

What do you think
of that girl, Yonica?

You don't wanna know.

- Come on. Try me.
- Okay.

I think that she's a sad little
girl who's been pimped out...

into a pathetic monstrosity
of alienated Western sexuality.

How do you feel
about that, Mr. Hauser?

She's a disaster. This
whole place is a disaster.

So, you're sleeping with her.

No.

Why not? She seems game.

It must be nice to be who you say
you are. To do things you believe in.

That's so simple. So clean.

It's like, you know: "why
didn't I think of that"?

Well, it's hard
not to feel like...

I'm always on the losing side.

Well, you are.

Yeah. It gets kinda lonely.

That's why you got all those peasants
and workers to keep you company.

I don't have that big a bed.

Tell me more.

I think that you should
take me home now.

Yes, well...

thanks for taking me home.

Oh. Good night then.

Jesus, what was that?

I can't do that...

No. You yourself
said, I just don't want to.

- Yeah. Sure.
- And good night.

Tomorrow can I see ya?

- Tomorrow?
- Yeah.

Reporter's Pool, ten a. m.

Progress update, people.

Banks West didn't even wait
for the opening ceremony...

closing a one point
3 billion dollar deal...

with Roof Branch and Blossom to
restore essential water services...

to the people of Turaqistan!

Oh, come on!

I'm sure they'd like to give a shout-out
to the Tamerlane-Furg-Bomber...

Wing for, for those
humane position strikes...

that created this wonderful
opportunity for everyone.

So is this like a date?

This is like obscene.

There's something you can
do for me that would mean a lot.

Name it.

Get me a pass out of the Emerald
City so I can see what's really going on.

- Very dangerous.
- I wanna see Fallof.

Natalie, there's nothing there.

I wanna know if it's true that
Tamerlane used chemical weapons.

Isn't it a little late to be worrying
about international conventions?

Is nerve gas worse than getting
your head blown off by a laser missile?

Frankly, it's a nuance
that's lost on me.

Besides they were
cleared, just read the report.

We're trying to
watch a battle here.

Sorry.

Come on, come on, come on. Give
me something. Give me something.

Anything's gotta be better
than this Xbox bullshit!

Okay, okay.

These guys are big in
the Turaqi arts community.

You know, the whole
downtown scene?

Might give you a good lead.

I'm hit! I'm hit!

Where's the damn Medevac?

The Tamerlane custom
E-Z missile mount can...

be adapted to fit over
200 automobile models...

I thought we were all
set with the Ayatollah.

Pick it up, boys.

What do you mean he won't do
a mixed wedding? Who's mixed?

Yonica's Episcopalian?
How the fuck did that happen?

Will the Sufi work?

Let me call you back.
I got another call.

Just get a number
for Cat Stevens.

Hello. Can you calm
down? Yeah, he's right here.

Yoni... That was the girl.

She said she can't do the
wedding if you're involved.

She thinks you don't like her.

- What?
- She can't work with you.

I'm on it, I'm on it. Okay.

And then Anderson Cooper,
Mr. Salt and Pepper Integrity...

is arriving today and, and all
we have left is a junior suite.

Is that okay? I mean, he is
a Vanderbilt and everything.

There could be repercussions!

GuideStar!

You seem a little bit,
Mr. Hauser. Is everything all right?

My hand was shaking.
My hand never shakes.

Worst case, Parkinson's. I can get
you a doctor's appointment in Dubai.

I can't focus.

This girl. This reporter.
They're in my head.

They're in my fucking brain.

That's not good,
Mr. Hauser. Not good.

No, I know it isn't. And now
I gotta see her, the little one.

I gotta bring her food. 'Cause
she won't go to the thing.

Fuck!

Trusting you was a little rude.

I wish there was a way.

You could sooth that ache in me.

Phone cut out When
we were talking today.

Phone cut out When
we were talking today.

That was beautiful.

- You recorded that yet?
- Fat fucking chance.

Well you should.

I feel like it's like I'm
seeing you for the first time.

Well, you've seen my
ass. And you not liking it.

- Why do you do that?
- Do what?

Talk as if you have no soul.

Nobody cares for my beautiful
soul. They care for my ass.

- You sound like a tramp.
- Bitches rule.

Yonica rules.

Virgins are good for
getting fucked. Right?

That is what I am
good for. Right?

That's what everybody knows.

You know what I think?

I think the girl that wrote
that song was a poet.

I thought that song
was really great.

I am not from this world.

I have special powers.

I can see inside
people's brains.

What do you see?

You think you care about me.

Neither one of us know why.

You're not an alien life form.

You're just very confused.

And you live in
a terrible world.

I cannot be from this
place. I do not belong here.

We have to find a way.

We just have to find a way.

Who are you?

We got stuff here.

We got a side of
Clausen Classic Dill,

and Turaqi brand soda.

Extra crispy, all white
meat. You want a piece?

It's actually a horrible way
to soothe bad feelings...

but can lead to
compulsive eating...

But, you know, sometimes
you just gotta do it, right?

What the fuck?

You know what?

I'm gonna blow you up.
You mother fuckin' nice...

suit necktie piece of shit!

Take a rain check on that.

Out of the Emerald City?

In fact, baby, the money is
right, I can take you to Chechnya.

I could scrape together
a thousand dollars.

Honey, for a thousand dollar
we take you to Starbucks.

So, we open on her,
she's like Snow White.

Then he arrives. A two-shot, like
in, Ford's My Darling Clementine.

When Victor
Mature returns to her.

Fuck film, assholes.

I want her on all fours.

Waiting for her phallic
warlord, Ooq-Mi-Fay.

I know it's none of my business,
what are you guys talking about?

We're shooting the
wedding night's video.

Yeah, check it out. We
already made the card.

My God.

- How much you guys want for this?
- 500 bucks.

I'll give you 50
right now, cash.

Done.

Washington's all a-twitter by
allegations from a journalist...

that the son of a top
Turaqi political leader...

and his pop star
bride are involved...

in a pornographic video
of their own wedding night.

Expo Turaqistan. Out of
the frying pan into the fire?

How in the fuck did this Hegalhuzen
bitch get a hold of this story?

Well, it hardly matters now.

The network might cancel
their coverage and we own them.

We got riots going on in
14 cities across Central Asia.

Maybe the best thing to do
would be to call the wedding off.

Have you lost your
mind? Just handle it.

I always do.

Do you think I have no feelings?

This is what I am to you?

- A whore? And you are my pimp?
- No, baby, no, baby.

You were going to sell a
tape of our wedding night?

I was gonna give
you half of the money.

I did it for the money.

There will be ample time
for loving recriminations.

But let's deal with this
from a practical perspective.

What if we publically
remove one of his testicles?

- Dad, please!
- Shut up.

That's not an entirely
unappealing suggestion...

but I'm not sure if that really
gets us where we wanna go.

Honestly, your Excellency, if we're gonna
pull this off so a man of your stature...

you know, a four-time convicted
extortionist and an embezzler like...

yourself is to lead Turaqistan
to its bright and shining future...

Yonica's bridegroom must
be blamelessly pristine.

In other words,
we need a fall guy.

How about your homeboy
outside with the perforated septum?

P- per... what?

Go, Marsha. Go, Marsha. You're so
fine. I'm gonna make her change her mind!

I have a can of Mace!

And I will use it! Sit down!

I think Bodhi organized this whole thing
and you didn't know anything about it.

Yeah, of course,
man. I didn't know shit.

But, you know, we wanna
be culturally sensitive here.

What is the traditional
punishment for pimping a pop star?

- Wow, that's fucking cold, Pop.
- Shut up.

Drowning in sheep dung.

Marsha will make
the arrangements.

All right. We've dealt with
the groom. Now for the bride.

20 minutes on TV and the world
will know that this sweet, young girl...

would never participate in such
a foul, foul enterprise. Right?

And, Yonica, you didn't
know anything about this.

So it has the added benefit of
being true, as my father used to say.

All right. We'll announce
the execution tonight.

We'll do the
interview tomorrow...

and we go ahead with the wedding
and close the whole damn show.

I think we got this
worked out, don't you?

- Great.
- All right. Good to see you.

No, no, no...

Thank you so much, sir.

Yonica... Honey! Honey!

Yonica, Yonica!

Thank you. I like bag.

Marsha. Get me Katie Couric, Al Jazeera
and a hundred gallons of sheep shit.

Slaves, but...

Slaves, plebians, patricians,
ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome to Pax Romana...

Virginia's number one
Roman-era theme park.

The glory that was Rome.
The grandeur that was Six Flags.

Unfortunately the financing fell
through in the real estate crash...

and the whole place went down
the toilet. But it makes my point.

Which is...?

Every empire is summed up
in Rome. The Romans, Hauser.

Dudes of the human race.
Torch-bearers of culture.

You and I are Centurions.

Honor bound to defend
civilization against the Barbarians.

Let's cut the shit, Walken.

I like killing people as
much as the next guy...

but I signed up to kill the bad
ones. Health clinics, trade unionists...

journalists, agricultural co-ops,
Catholic liberation theologians...

impoverished Colombian
coffee farmers...

These are barbarians, the
depraved opponents of civilization?

We turned Central America
into a fucking graveyard.

Whoever momentarily interrupts
the accumulation of our wealth...

we pulverize.

I'm just not feeling good
about that anymore, sir.

Then do what you
have to do, son.

Thank you for
understanding, sir.

- Oh! You asshole.
- Weapon, please?

Let's walk and talk.

You didn't really think
I'd let you go, did you?

- I was kinda hoping you might, yeah.
- For her?

Please, Walken. We had such
a good working relationship.

Let's not end it like this,
like savages in a theme park.

You get the thumbs down
from the crowd, Hauser.

You're obsolete, dude.

Past your expiration
date, discontinued.

Garbagio, as they say in Latin.

Relegated to the
trash bin of history.

You shouldn't rummage
in the garbage. Fuck.

Is this one of those plastic
toys you can choke on?

You mother fucker!

Help! I get it. I get
it. Help! Turn it off!

Ten minutes with Katie Couric
would get you ten times the audience...

of a whole season of
Frontline. Now, that's a fact.

Yeah, but wh-why would they
want me to do the interview?

You? Your
uncompromising integrity...

your movie star good looks
and I don't think Katie Couric...

wants to come to this
beautiful fucking vacation spot.

You know I'm not gonna
do a P.R. puff piece, right?

Just do the story.
Get the real girl.

The real girl? Is there
anything real left to get?

Can she actually talk?

She's just a needy
little kid, Natalie.

I know, and she's spoiled,
she's over-sexed, she's tone deaf.

Well she's a brand, Hauser.

Stuff happens. She needs a mom.

- Yeah. And don't look at me.
- I like looking at you.

You can say anything you want, okay?
No holds barred delay. I'll make it live.

You're crazy. This
bitch hates me.

- She doesn't hate you.
- She hates me.

- No she doesn't.
- She does. I know.

Yeah, hello.

I have lists of
Omar's whereabouts.

I'll get to it.

- Put your seatbelt on.
- Fuck off.

Shit.

So we're all set?

This sucks. I hate this.

- What sucks, sweetheart?
- This location.

What's wrong with it?

I am not liking it. It blows.

This is 2000 years of Turaqi
culture. It's a nice spot for it, actually.

Okay, sweetie?

I want to do it...

there.

- We're all set up right here.
- There or nowhere.

Okay?

There's nice too.

Hello.

Hello.

What is this place?

Beautiful.

You see? She's
just a needy little kid.

This light is so cool.

Look at this!

Be careful.

I want to do it here.
Come, inspect this from me.

Beautiful.

This place is so
sad. I love that.

I'm going to see the rest.

Hey, cowboy. You
happen to have a Cliff bar?

- You hungry?
- I could eat.

Let's find the kitchen.

Look at this. An 82 margaux.
They must have left in a hurry.

We can be shot for looting.

We can be shot for
anything in Turaqistan.

Let's see. There must be
an opener here somewhere.

I just don't know if I'm domestic
enough to make a meal out of...

olives and caviar
and peanut butter.

Yonica! There's food!

Very high-tech for Turaqistan.

Crazy little brat.

If she's a virgin...

I'm Dick Cheney.

Yonica, would you
like some wine?

No. I hate wine. It's so sour.

Milk is good.

- I want a picture of you two.
- No pictures.

Okay, one.

Get in.

So you two getting married?

Because you are already
married with wife in America?

Everybody wants American wife.

No.

Never were married?

Was once actually.

What happened?

It's not that interesting.

What happened?

Haven't spoken
of it in a long time.

She was killed.

Murdered.

I came home one night and my
beautiful wife had been slaughtered.

I had a little girl
and she was taken.

No ransom note,
nothing. Just gone.

- Why?
- I don't know.

Who would do that?

I don't know anything except
it was all because of me.

What do you mean?

I had many enemies.
I've done many things.

What was her
name? Your daughter?

Cara.

There's a reason I do this work.

I don't have to feel anything.

That's so fucked up.

Hey. Whassup?

Get out!

Sometimes I think is
better not to feel. Just skip it.

How long can you live that way?

The poison's just old. It's
like a slow motion suicide.

Or wake up every day and wonder if
you have the courage to walk away...

to say: No, I won't do that. I'm
not that person. I'm not that thing.

You think I should
not marry Ooq-Mi-Fay?

Hey, boss we have a problem.

Hold that thought.

What's the problem, guys?

Try some caviar.

It's so good!

I love.

My mom would always try
to get me to eat weird stuff.

Tempeh and wheatgrass...

and all I ever wanted
was peanut butter.

He's a complicated guy, huh?

Not what'd you think.

Hey, not so tough today, huh?

Hey, look, the little
girl has crowns.

You think you can drown
me with the sheep shit.

I don't think so.

You want we should
take video now?

Or kill him first?

Be less blood if you kill me first,
more fun if you cut it off while I'm alive.

- Shut up.
- Okay.

I think I could take those two ears
and I can put them on my Harley.

Maybe I can pick up
KROQ on my radio.

Oh, pretty face. Bye.

You ought to do
some face. Taste.

Stay!

Cut off the fingers I
used to wipe my ass.

I cannot believe
you just did that!

What person could squeeze
eyeballs from Bodhi Bhundhang?

And that asshole tells me
not to marry Ooq-Mi-Fay?

I'm fucking marry Ooq-Mi-Fay.

He's pig. And I'm whore.

- You want me to take the freeway?
- Yeah. Whatever.

It is who I am. I
am that person.

And if I'm going to be
whore, at least I can be rich.

I just want to make soulful
music and be sad and rich.

You don't have to marry
some asshole to do that.

Natalie, you will
be my bridesmaid?

Please?

My father, he's coming. I
haven't seen him since I was baby.

It will be nice to meet him.

And if you are there
I will not be so afraid.

What am I gonna wear?

- What about Katie Courich?
- Fuck her.

Fuck them all.

Miami Beach Hotel.

Jeff? I just sent you a
photo of that Tamerlane guy.

He just slaughtered half a dozen
of Ooq-Mi-Fay Taqnufmini's posse...

Find out who the
fuck this guy is.

Hey. I just got this
message from the Viceroy.

"We didn't front you $1.3 million to
whack a bunch of Fifty Cent wannabes."

You know what I'm saying? You
got 18 hours to kill Omar Sharif.

And may I just add personally.

What the fuck are you doing?

Will you kill the mother fucker so
we can get the hell out of this shithole?

What are you doing?

Hello? Is there anyone in th-?

Hey, it's Natalie.

I'm either unmasking corporate
greed or washing my hair.

So leave a message.

That's good. Thanks. Great.

Is that good?

That looks great. Everything
you're doing is great. It's really great.

My communications
degree is finally paying off.

Where is Omar?

Well, let me check. Omar?

- Camera Four, Marsha. Camera Four.
- Omar's Camera Four.

Why don't you pull in?

Do you have his
Blackberry address?

Laptop.

By the way, Anderson Cooper
cannot make the wedding.

- What room was he going to stay in?
- Eleven-oh-one.

Just you, Cowboy.

Oh, jeez. Gosh. By the
way. This came for you.

I think...

It must have been
this morning and...

This is Natalie Hegalhuzen.

I am being held by the Provisional
Liberation Army of Greater Turaqistan.

I will be executed unless the
following demands are met by 6 pm.

The complete unconditional withdrawal
of all Tamerlane forces from Turaqistan.

The dissolution of the
criminal's INS state of Israel.

Three. The acquisition by the
Turaqi National Basketball team...

of LeBron James for a
player to be named later.

I'm unhurt and well-treated...

And am right where
I wanted to be.

You're improvising,
bitch. I hate that!

I know where she is.

No. Wait a second!
We're live in 6 hours.

I trust you. You
handle everything.

Oh, Jesus Mary and Joseph.

How are you, sir?
Nice to see you, sir.

You can go.

Jerry, how do I get to Fallaf?

Fallaf. Are you
out of your mind?

Here at GuideStar we
definitely call Fallaf a no-go zone.

That's snuff city, dude.

Hey, don't get cute. Just
give me the damn directions.

You sound a little angry, rather
emotional. It's a good thing.

Good. Let it go.

Is that the best you can do for
seventy-nine ninety-five a month?

Steven Seagal is
like 500 pounds now.

They use body doubles
for everything, but this.

How many times
do I have to tell you?

I am opposed to the occupation.

I have railed against it in every
significant journal in the world!

I think you are mistaking me with
someone who actually gives a fuck.

Hey, you're just
a gift for us, babe.

What do I do when
I get to Nafluni?

There's a Mobil station
on your right. See it?

Yeah. I think so.

Great. Take the next
right. Follow the road.

If you're a praying
man, I'd start about now.

Can we kill her already?
I'm getting hungry.

We're still working out the
international distribution rights.

I want to...

put the camera lower this time.

Oh, you mean like the
construction guard decapitation, huh?

But you want it from here to
there or from there to here?

- All the way.
- All the way's gonna be messy.

Yeah, but it's art.

- Do you have any candy?
- No. Get lost.

I told you these
assholes never have shit.

Looking for the kidnapped bitch?

American?

We have three. Two
yellow hair and one dark hair.

Dark hair.

Where?

Show me.

10? No. How about
20? Okay. It's a deal.

Shut up! Let's do it.

Don't shoot, man!

Hey, we're sorry. Chill.

I'm sorry, just take the
girl. We don't want the girl.

We just, we do movies,
man. We love to make movies.

Yeah, yeah, movies.

Don't get up,
guys. We gotta run.

Fuck, dude. That was intense.

Okay. We're okay.

Next time bring
some candy asshole.

Mr. Hauser? I told you Fallaf
was not a good idea, didn't I?

It's a no-go zone. And you went.

That was not a good idea.

Get down!

Go.

Could you please try
to call Natalie again?

What the fuck is wrong with you?

What, my English not so good?

Come on. I love you.

Come on here. Come on here.

Get down, get down!

Get up.

Hey, you in charge?

- Who the fuck's in charge?
- No one! I'm no one!

- What are you lookin' at, bitch?
- I'm no one!

A couple of quick announcements.

The panel discussion, the Redemptive
Power of the Hedge Fund Derivative...

has been moved
to the mini ballroom.

Don't forget to go to the Meet
and Greet cocktail reception...

at the Tiki Room at five
and pick up your gift bags.

They've got a coffee mug
and a desert umbrella...

foam beer Koozie and a...

autographed copy
from you know who...

of "How I Conquered the World
and Worked Out Issues With My Dad".

Take care of the kid.

'Cause I might have to go too.

You don't have to.

Yes, I do.

Natalie.

I saw your face and
creation held its breath.

I'm coming.

No, no, no...

Silly me. I was expecting
a beautiful woman.

Sorry.

Hauser...

Love does get one
into difficult situations.

Somebody's gonna kill you.

It was supposed to be me.

Triple your security.

Stay off the streets.

With a little skill you
may actually stay alive.

- How may I thank you?
- No need.

We're in a constant
state of war, Hauser.

We kill our brothers,
complete strangers...

the guilty and the innocent.

We are at war
with our own hearts.

Love is a cease-fire
that's destined to fail.

But, as I said...

it does get us into
tricky situations.

Sometimes the back
of a garbage truck.

The ultimate Chickenhawk
is roosting close-by.

Good luck.

She says she's a bridesmaid.

- You got an extra dress?
- Yes.

For all of us at Tamerlane...

I extend a heartfelt good
luck and God bless...

whoever that god may be.

To our happy young
couple. Shalom.

Shit.

We have someone to
do your hair and makeup.

I could do this.

Sit down!

Clean yourself!

We gotta go to the viceroy.
Where the hell is Hauser?

Asshole.

All right.

I am going to tell that bastard that
I want to go shopping in America.

And I never come back.
Can I stay with you?

Yes. Yes. Yes.

It's time.

Where are you? I wanna see you.

Hauser. I'm about to
address the weddin'.

You're just gonna
have to wait 'til I'm done.

I've waited long enough.

Hauser.

Hello, Walken.
You look fabulous.

How did you know?

Where else would you be?

And going to the
Viceroy in five...

four, three, two...

Wonderful opportunities
here, Hauser.

As long as these towel-heads don't
look up freedom in the dictionary.

To use one of your own homespun

colloquialisms let's
cut the shit, shall we?

That is your viceroy?

You know what your problem
is, Hauser? You're a moralist.

That's why you're so
much fun to fuck with.

War is the improvement of
investments by other means.

For dummies. The USA is
a subdivision of Tamerlane.

Democracy, the war on
terror, the war on drugs...

these are all focus group
slogans for Tamerlane.

You murdered my wife. And
I'm here to kill you for that.

You were such a superb
killing machine, Hauser.

What happened to you?

You've had a whole
week to kill Omar.

Of course I could have liquidated
you after you thought you'd killed me.

Right after I tried to kiss you and
you threw me in the garbage truck.

It's gonna be hard to torture
someone who's mostly dead.

But I'm gonna try...

to enjoy it.

But, by killing the woman
and kidnapping the girl...

Oh, my God.

That was so much
more satisfying.

I left you in a state
of constant agony.

You ever wonder what the ideology
of vibrio cholerae bacterium...

or the system of Yersinia pestis the
bacteria that causes bubonic plague.

I'll tell you, Hauser.

Perpetuation.

An infinite succession
of generations.

Immortality on the
installment plan.

I wish I had that
sort of esprit d'corps.

That bacterial team spirit.

Talk about legacy.
Talk about empire.

You're gonna tell me
what you did with her...

then I'm gonna kill you again.

- Do you understand, old man?
- Don't you get it?

Your daughter happens...

Shut it down!

Your daughter, Hauser.

Your daughter is about to be married.
And, Daddy you're the father of the bride.

God, that's a
conversation stopper.

Well, you just sit back
and enjoy the show.

You must be a real proud daddy.

Here she comes.

Ain't you the proudest
daddy? Look at that.

She turned out good.

She looks good in that white
dress and those little white boots.

A white dress and white boots.

Oh, look at that.

Don't you think the little
whore turned out well?

I promised her Daddy would
be here. And here you are.

Shoot him!

The father of the bride!

Hauser! Where are you, Hauser?

Come on, fight me like
a dude. Face me Hauser.

Come on!

I can control all of
this with my eyes.

Yonica!

- Yonica.
- Shut the fuck up!

- Yonica. Yonica.
- Shut the fuck up! Shut up.

Get done, come on.

Dearly beloved, friends,
believers and infidels.

We are gathered here today...

to join together in holy
matrimony this man and this...

Yonica! Yonica!

Hauser!

You can't do this.
I won't let you.

I'm your father.

Catch him.

It's me.

I've loved you since the
minute you were born.

I will kill you!

It's gonna be okay.

We're gonna be a family again.

Come on!

Yonica, Yonica.

Let go of that! Don't do that.

What's going on?

Go, go, go, go, go!

Go, go, go!

Get me back to the
bunker. Headset.

Get me a tomahawk.

Blow this whole
fuckin' place to shit.

Yes, sir.

Terrorists at the weddin'.
We've got 'em cornered.

So close to the bunker
could be dangerous, sir.

Haven't you heard
of a surgical strike?

- Launch it.
- Firing two-one.

Viceroy coming through.
Viceroy coming through.

You should have
let me finish the job!

Tamerlane weapons
are precision-guided...

to minimize collateral damage.

Not only is our technology the
most advanced in the world...

but also with a smart
missile system...

we can launch a
matchstick in Milwaukee...

and stick it up the ass
of termite in Tehran.

Shit happens.

This blows.

"Killer, Whores and
Jackals. Behind Brand USA".

Good title, huh?

It's a little wordy.

Vehicle from the front!

All right, that's it! Hold it!

We are going to honeymoon.

Dude, it's the newlyweds!

Hey! Stand down!

Yonica, congratulations.
Your chariot's right this way.

Thank you.

- I have your poster on my wall.
- No, he's lyin'. It's my wall.

I used to... no. Bye.

Run, run, run.

Run, run, run.

I cannot fucking believe this.

Yonica, I know I saved you but I don't
want you putting me up on a pedestal.

I'm just a person, just a man.

Are you crazy?
Where have you been?

- You are a fucking asshole, you know?
- Oh, I feel much better.

Go. Turn this thing on!

So you don't want her to
be an assassin like you.

Well, don't worry because
I want to be like you.

- Yonica, don't be so sarcastic.
- I'm not.

- Where are we going?
- I don't know.

What do you mean, I don't know?

When I said I don't know,
it means I don't know.

- GuideStar!
- Welcome back, Mr. Hauser.

I can book you an hotel,
make you a dinner reservation.

You wanna just be spontaneous?

Spontaneous? It's Memorial Day
weekend, what if everything's full?

It's not gonna be
full. Jerry, am I right?

Don't get Jerry
involved in this.

Would you two stop fighting?

We're not fighting.
We're just discussing.

- It be sounding like fighting.
- Now she hates fighting.

Well, what do you
expect? Look at her father!

This is the former vice
president speaking.

In response to the cowardly
and unprovoked terrorist...

attack on the
Emerald City mall...

Tamerlane is pleased to announce
that it has been awarded the contract...

to preemptively
strike Ugikistan...

which intelligence has
confirmed is behind this...

and hundreds of other
attacks in Turaqistan.

America cannot stand idly by
and allow hostile foreign powers...

to meddle in Turaqi affairs.

Intelligence has also
conclusively stated...

that the Ugikis are
developing a nuclear arsenal...

and we cannot let the smoking gun
come in the form of a mushroom cloud.