Original subtitles

Hey!

Pretty funny.

- Oh. - Yes.

Fuck up.

I love this. What do you think?

I like it.

Be honest. When we first met, did you think I was a bad dresser?

No, I didn't think you were a bad dresser.

I just thought you hadn't bought any new clothes since middle school.

Well, you should talk.

When we first met, you were wearing a swimsuit on dry land.

Uh, you loved my bathing suit, landlubber.

Yeah.

When we first met, no joke, I thought you were Hungarian.

No.

I remember being surprised that you spoke English.

- Are you serious? - Kidding.

Oh, it's a joke.

But I do remember the first moment I was, like, into you.

- Oh, really? - Mm-hmm.

Oh, I wanna hear about this.

You were helping Bertie carry her dresser into the house.

I saw your arms and thought they looked sexy.

And I was like, "Yeah, I'd fuck this guy if he was into it."

- What? - Mm-hmm.

Oh, my God. I had no idea. I should've made my first move.

And I thought you were so nice. You were helping Bertie...

Okay, I don't need to hear that.

I get the nice thing enough. Just objectify me. Please. I love it.

Sure.

So, stud, you gonna wear this jacket tonight?

I don't know. Is it too cool?

I feel like I'm trying too hard. That's my nightmare.

Your dumb movie title band is playing a live gig.

This may never happen again. You have to look good.

I know. It's just when I was shooting my scene with Arya,

I was kind of a dick on set with my friends, so I don't wanna roll up

wearing a new jacket and have them be like, "Who's this asshole?"

I'm sure they're over it. If not, fuck 'em.

Conflict is the cornerstone of any good band,

like Metallica or the Spice Girls.

It's true.

Okay, final verdict. Do I buy this jacket?

Yes, you buy this jacket,

and I buy a pair of sunglasses that I do not need. Hmm?

- All right. - Yeah.

How about this? Too somber for you?

Way too somber.

I'm looking at that, I wanna slit my wrists.

What do you want your suitcase to say about you?

I want my luggage to say, "Hey, Cruikshanks,

I'm an adult with luggage, and I got my shit together."

And then it can just stop talking after that.

Are you scared of your family?

No.

I mean, just not super stoked about taking this trip.

Might have been nice if you had backup.

What?

It's nothing. Just think it's a little weird.

No, I didn't hear you. What'd you say?

It's a little weird you didn't invite me to meet your family.

We've been together for a while. You met my dad.

Oh.

I'm sorry. I just...

I bought the ticket before you and me were, you know, hot and heavy.

Plus, I don't even think you'd want to go, Mickey.

It's going to be, like, five days. And it's super, super boring.

It's like every boring thing mushed together.

It's South Dakota and family and church and relatives

and anniversary parties and compact rental cars...

You don't have to pile it on. It's not that big of a deal.

Would've been nice to be invited.

Maybe I'm crazy, but I thought we were there.

Well, I think we are there. I just...

I want you to meet my parents and my siblings.

You don't have to meet all of my stupid cousins.

Heather's pretty cool, actually.

It's fine. You can drop it. I'll meet them some other time.

Okay.

Hey, look at this. What? Hold on.

What's this car doing in the luggage section?

Little weird?

Then it's like...

Doin' a little reverse.

- Sir? - What?

- Can you not do that, please? - Oh.

Sorry. I was just goofin', trying to make my girlfriend laugh.

It's not working.

Yeah, I know.

Hey. Look at that.

Little fruit cart. Got mangoes.

- You love a mango. - Yeah.

Yeah? Let me get you a mango. Okay.

Thank you. Thanks.

How is it? Good?

- It's delicious. Thank you. - You're welcome.

Ah!

There's an open house. You wanna go check it out?

- Yeah, sure. - Could be a little fun adventure.

Okay. Yes.

Oh, hi, there. I'm Angela.

- Welcome. - Hello.

If you wouldn't mind, please put these on.

- They just redid the floors. - Sure.

Before you look around, please sign in.

All right.

My name is Genevieve Vavance...

and I still have an AOL e-mail address.

You are Bastian. No last name.

Whoa.

Holy shit! Double sinks!

Oh, my God. I love it.

God, if we lived here... Oh, God, we'd be living the high life, you know?

I'd set down my toothbrush, I'd be like,

"Mickey, why don't we invite the Cunninghams over for dinner?"

Shit. Angela already hates us.

Okay, I'll do this.

There we go. Nobody will ever know.

Double sinks.

No, I'm addicted to my phone.

I'll text myself a reminder or something, and then when my phone buzzes,

I get so excited 'cause I'm that desperate to text.

I 100% get that.

When you were telling the story

and you said your phone buzzed,

I got excited.

Clearly, I'm still smoking.

It's just one too many things to quit in a year.

And any negative thing you can say, I've already thought.

Hey, no, don't worry about it. You'll quit when you're ready. It's fine.

Yeah, I figured I've been smoking since I was 15,

- what's a couple more months? - Mm-hmm.

Yeah. And, hey, just so you know, I'm here to talk about your sobriety

as much or as little as you want to, so...

Thank you.

There is one thing I could talk about.

Okay.

- So things are going really well. - Mm-hmm.

And then, there was that whole Dr. Greg meltdown,

and I went to this bar with Truman and Stella

and I ordered a drink.

Oh, wow.

Now, before you get worried, I did not drink it.

- Okay. - But I really, really thought about it.

Your sobriety is the most important thing, so I'm glad you didn't drink.

Yeah. Me, too.

Uh-oh.

- Ugh! - Somebody ain't happy.

Come on. She needs us here to make it seem like this is some kind of hot property.

How much, uh, do you think this place costs, anyway?

$1.2 million.

Wow.

You know, I could afford that

if I did every single thing differently over the last 15 years.

Never say never. I believe in you.

Maybe one day we could afford this place together.

Yeah.

I shouldn't have said that, should I?

- No. - Did it freak you out?

No. No, no, no. I...

Honestly, I'm not opposed to... you know, moving in sometime, together. Sometime.

Yeah. I've thought about it.

So neither of us are opposed.

- Let's get out of here. - Okay.

Hey, I'm sorry I didn't ask you to go to South Dakota.

I should have, and I'm sorry. I want you to come.

- Don't worry. - Would you come?

No. Don't worry. It's okay. We're past it.

No, I was being so stupid.

I was in my head with my family. I truly want you to come.

Will you come? Please?

You don't have to invite me 'cause you feel bad.

- I'm not. - Hmm. No, you were right.

I do want to meet your parents and your siblings,

but not every Cruikshank in America.

And five days is a really long time.

Yeah. No. That makes sense.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

You ready for your big show tonight?

Yeah, fuck yeah.

Actually, no. I don't think we're ready to perform live.

- This shouldn't be happening. - Oh.

Well, if it really starts to suck,

I can always just yell, "Fire," and take off my top.

- Perfect. - Okay.

Thank you.

Hey, uh, you want a cigarette before we go in?

Do you want me to have one?

Uh... Yeah, I'm just not really ready to face Ruby and Wade yet.

They saw me go nuts on that shoot,

and our group-text chain has pretty much gone silent.

I've learned, if you own it and you say you're sorry,

they usually forgive you.

Yeah. I mean, that makes sense.

You don't even have to mean it.

- No, I mean it. - Oh, great. That'll help sell it.

I'll be there if you get nervous. You can squeeze my hand.

- Okay. - Yeah?

Yeah. Be prepared. I'm gonna squeeze the shit out of it.

They're not gonna start any trouble with me there.

Those guys are scared of me.

No. Yeah.

Hey, everybody.

Hi.

Nice jacket.

- Oh, thank you. - All right.

You guys ready to shred?

- Oh, ready to shred. Ready to shred. - Yeah.

Wait, guys. I just wanted to say,

as far as my tantrum on set with Arya and stuff,

I feel really crummy...

Gus, I'm gonna stop you right there.

Come on, whatever happened on set, let's leave it on set.

I feel like there was an apology coming. I'd like to hear that.

- Okay. - Mmm.

Uh, yeah, I mean, you guys have helped me out so much,

and I know I lost my temper there a couple of times,

so I am sorry.

Well, thank you.

I don't accept your apology. Uh, my feelings are still hurting.

Seriously?

Not seriously, Mickey.

See, just kidding. Let's have a fun show.

All right, I'll leave you rockers to it. I'm not in this band. Bye.

- Okay. Bye. - Let's go over the set list, huh?

- Oh, yeah. - Yes, good idea.

Oh, hey, yeah. I do not think that we should open with "Gran Torino."

I agree. We should not start with a ballad.

We'll put the crowd to sleep.

I picked up a few more days of extra work on Witchita.

That's great. I'm proud of you.

Yeah, they need me on set at seven a.m., so I can't go too crazy tonight.

God, listen to me. "On set." Can you believe it?

No, I cannot.

Oh, shit. I'm sorry. Can I get you a drink?

Oh, no, thanks. I'm not thirsty.

Are you sure?

I want to do more stuff for you.

Like buying you drinks and buying you jewelry.

Don't buy me jewelry. Please.

Open a savings account.

Hey, buddy.

Hey! Hey.

- Hey, how's the Rand-man? - Hey.

Hey, what's up?

- Are people calling me the Rand-man? - I don't know. They should.

- You guys know each other. - Yeah, we've met.

- Hi, Bertie. - Hello.

Yeah.

So, um, when I was coming over here tonight,

I saw a big accident on the road.

Oh, no.

I think it was very serious. There was two ambulances.

And, um, I thought there was some kind of spaghetti involved,

but I think it had come from inside the man on the motorcycle.

And, um...

Hey! What are you guys talking about?

Mickey! Could I ask you to join me outside for a meeting of the Chamber of Champions?

Sure.

That's what I call our apartment. It's just a fun thing I do.

I don't know why I do it.

Yes, I do. It's 'cause we're champions.

- Let's go. - Okay. Bye.

- Uh, can I get you a drink? - Oh, no, I'm good.

Oh.

I'll get you another one. You can double fist it!

- Cool. - Yeah, cool.

I'm sleeping with Chris.

What?

We started hanging out. First, it was just an emotional affair,

but then things took a turn, and now it's a very physical affair.

And now I really like him.

What is it about our apartment that turns us into philandering bad girls?

What should I do?

Well, I never told Gus about Dustin.

But if you have feelings for Chris,

maybe you should be honest with Randy and cut things off.

But he's so sensitive.

Last night, I came in and he was crying to an episode of Storage Wars.

That's not a reason to stay with him.

Ugh. This situation is so fucked. I'm fucked.

- You okay, buddy? - Oh, yeah.

- You seem sort of... - Yeah.

- Oh, sorry. - ...out of it or something.

It's okay if something's wrong.

- No, not at all. Yeah. - Okay.

Uh, this will be fun tonight.

- Yeah. Yeah, I can't wait. Yeah. - Yeah.

You excited about going back home?

Yeah, yeah. I mean, my parents' 40th anniversary.

You know that's going to be a fucking wild party.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hats off to Mark and Vicki, man. Those crazy kids.

Yeah. Let's hear it for those nutty kids.

- They stuck it out. - Mm-hmm.

Hey, and Mickey's finally going to meet the Cruikshanks, huh?

Yeah.

Well, uh...

No. I mean, she's not.

I invited her, but she's not gonna come.

- Oh, bummer, man. Huh. - Yeah.

I don't know. Maybe it's for the best.

I don't want her to see how weird my family is.

Or how weird I am around my family.

It's gonna be a lot.

And Mickey's Mickey, right?

She could totally freak out your whole family.

Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, you don't have to say that, but yes.

It's maybe for the best.

- But I love her. - Yeah.

- Oh, yeah, she's the best. - Yeah.

I'm just saying you could be, like, playing Scrabble at your kitchen table,

and then she walks in, bites the head off a bat.

- Hey. - Hi.

Let me get you a drink.

Full disclosure, I'm here with my boyfriend, and I don't drink.

Okay. Uh, well...

Which one's your boyfriend? I gotta see if you're making a mistake.

Nice. Uh...

The guy in the military jacket.

Seriously?

The dude who looks like a child's drawing?

Wow. You think you're funny, don't you? We're done talking.

Oh, my God, it's almost show time!

- Oh, I can't wait. - What the fuck is happening?

Did you just take my cigarettes?

- No. - Yeah, you did. You're lying.

I'm not lying. Why would I take your Kool Ultra Lights?

I'm not in seventh grade.

You're a really shitty liar.

If she said she didn't take 'em, she didn't take 'em.

Dude, does this involve you?

Go back to your band, which I heard sucks, by the way.

Uh, that's bullshit.

This is our first show, so no one even knows we suck yet.

Prove you didn't take my cigarettes.

- Open your purse. - Fuck you. No.

- Come on. - Hey. Get the fuck out of here.

Relax.

No, I'm not going to relax. Get fucking going, top button.

Whatever. Keep 'em. I got better shit to do, anyway.

Then go do it!

I did take his cigarettes.

I figured.

Okay.

- See you in a little bit. - Bye, buddy.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. We are Roger and The Eberts!

And we play theme songs for movies that don't have them!

So let's start things off right, with a little visit from the dessert cart.

One, two, three, four.

♪ I didn't come to Choco little ♪

♪ I didn't come to Choco little bit ♪

♪ I didn't come to Choco little bit more ♪

♪ I came to Chocolat ♪

♪ I didn't come to Choco little ♪

♪ I didn't come to Choco little bit ♪

♪ I didn't come to Choco little bit more ♪

♪ I came to Chocolat ♪

♪ I came to Chocolat ♪

♪ I came to Chocolat ♪

Whoo!

Well, this next song is about a birdman, and it's called "Birdman."

Three, four...

♪ Birdman! ♪

♪ Or the unexpected virtue of ignorance ♪

♪ Birdman! ♪

♪ Or the unexpected virtue of ignorance ♪

♪ Birdman! ♪

♪ Or the unexpected virtue of ignorance ♪

♪ Birdman, Birdman, Birdman, Birdman Birdman, Birdman, Birdman ♪

♪ Footloose ♪

♪ This is the theme song for ♪

♪ Footloose ♪

♪ This is the only song for ♪

♪ Footloose ♪

♪ God bless you, Sully ♪

♪ You saved my life ♪

♪ You saved my children ♪

♪ You saved my wife ♪

♪ God bless you, Sully ♪

♪ You saved my life ♪

♪ You saved my children ♪

♪ You saved my wife ♪

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

This last jam is dedicated to Mr. Eastwood and my special girl,

Dobbsy.

One, two, three, four...

♪ Better than a grand piano ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa ♪

♪ Deeper than the Grand Canyon ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa ♪

♪ You're my Gran... ♪

♪ Torino ♪

♪ You're my Gran... ♪

♪ Torino ♪

♪ And the skeleton says Get off of my lawn! ♪

♪ That skeleton says Get off of my lawn! ♪

♪ Get off of my Off of my lawn ♪

♪ Torino ♪

♪ You're my Gran Torino ♪

- You guys fucking ruled. - Oh... stop.

That was the best concert I've been to in years, and I'm not even kidding.

Thanks, Mickey.

I want to go to South Dakota.

- Really? - Yeah.

We're a team. Let's go hang out in a fly-over state.

Oh. Should I not call it a fly-over state in front of your parents?

- Probably best not to. - Okay.

♪ 'Cause you know We got to eat, eat, eat ♪

♪ You know we got to pray, pray, pray ♪

♪ So you know we got to love, love, love ♪

♪ Eat Pray Love, Love ♪

♪ You know we got to eat, eat, eat ♪

♪ Oh, you know We got to pray, pray, pray ♪

♪ Oh, you know We got to love, love, love ♪

♪ Eat, pray, love, love, love, love ♪

♪ Eat, pray, love, love Eat, pray, love, love ♪

♪ Eat, pray, love ♪

♪ You know we got to pray, pray, pray ♪

♪ Oh, you know we got To love, love, love ♪

♪ Eat, pray, love, love ♪

♪ You know I got to eat, eat, eat ♪

♪ Oh, you know We got to pray, pray, pray ♪

♪ Well, you know We got to love, love, love

♪ Eat, pray, love, love, love, love ♪

♪ Eat, pray, love, love ♪

♪ Eat, pray, love, love Eat, pray, love, love ♪

♪ Eat, pray, love ♪

Thanks a lot.