Original subtitles

[boy] Hm.

[upbeat music]

Bobby Boy.[giggles]

[phone ringing]

[soft grunting]

Oh, shit. Paradise.

-Yeah. Yeah. -[indistinct chatter over phone]

Yeah, we got Wu-Tang on 12-inch. Yeah.

Um...

Forever. 36 Chambers.

Yep.

[strains, farts]

Yeah. Only Built 4 Cuban Linx.

Mm-hm.

Okay. Yeah, I'll save it for you.

Okay. See you later. [groans]

Shit.

["Bad Motherfucker" by Logic]

-[recorder beeps] -[man] What are you doing, boy? Pick up the phone.

I know you're listening to me right now.

-Anyway, I'll be there later. -[recorder beeps]

[Banks] This is loan officer Banks from the office

of Sicotte & Associates returning your call.

My assistant was able to move my schedule around. I can squeeze you in

just after lunch so I'll be expecting you.

♪ I'm feelin' good First time in a long time ♪

♪ A lot of thoughts in my mind Of the scary kind ♪

♪ I used to fear senior year Would've been my prime ♪

♪ But I never graduated Guess I turned out fine ♪

-Ow! -♪ Searching for something That I need to find ♪

♪ 'Cause I think about dyin' All the time ♪

♪ Life's fuckin' hard But I'm tryin' all the time ♪

♪ Damn, I'm on the edge God's callin' From the other line ♪

♪ But every time I pick up I only hear the Devil ♪

♪ I don't give a damn I don't wanna settle ♪

♪ I just wanna Live a good life ♪

♪ Die a good man Like the bad motherfucker I am ♪

♪ I won't deny it ♪

♪ I've been livin' my life ♪

♪ Not a fuck given Can't deny it ♪

♪ You can say what you want But that's my decision ♪

♪ I won't deny it ♪

♪ I've been livin' my life ♪

♪ Not a fuck given Can't deny it ♪

♪ I'ma be a bad motherfucker ♪

♪ 'Til the, 'til the day I stop kickin' ♪

[muted]

♪ Stop kickin', y'all... ♪

Oh, what the fuck, T Man? What you doing in here, man?

[chuckles] Nigga, what the fuck are you doing in here, nigga?

What are you talking about? I'm getting ready, bro.

For what, nigga? RuPaul's Drag Show?

I don't understand why you ain't knock.

Coop, there's no fuckin' door.

What you talking about? God created wood and your knuckles

for a motherfucking reason. Use them.

Just knock. Just do me a favor. Just go work.

Can you just go work? Go organize yesterday's shipment. Okay?

-Okay, nigga. Shit. -Okay. Shit.

♪ Never had a family But I had friends ♪

♪ If we're talkin' real life I guess that all depends ♪

♪ I was thinkin' More Rachel and Monica ♪

♪ Daydreams of livin' In Santa Monica ♪

♪ All I ever knew of family Was television ♪

♪ 'Cause mine Was doin' hard drugs And locked up in prison ♪

♪ I guess that's why I never Made the same decision ♪

♪ I haven't spoken To my mom in years ♪

♪ I heard she found religion ♪

♪ I'm just playin' life Like Atari ♪

♪ I was never perfect I'm fucked up, I'm sorry ♪

♪ I'm human My childhood was fucked ♪

♪ And it's loomin' over me ♪

♪ Every time I think about it ♪

♪ I know I shouldn't be here ♪

♪ Where I stand ♪

♪ I just wanna Live a good life ♪

♪ Die a good man ♪

♪ Like the bad motherfucker I am ♪

Yo, why is this shit on, T? You know I hate the news, man.

It's always baby dies in car accident

or geriatric man falls down a flight of ninjas or something.

Bro, you're depressing the shit out your boy right now.

Anyways, this shit came for you.

Final notice for what, nigga?

Oh, it's, uh, it's nothing. It's just this, uh, company

letting me know it's the last time I can buy in bulk

at that price or whatever. It's not a big deal.

I see. Well, can we talk

about that funny dance shit in the back, my nigga?

What was you doing dancing like that for anyway?

No, the real question is, what the fuck was you doin'?

Excuse me, sir. What the fuck was you doin' all up in my shit?

You gotta knock. And don't be upset. I dance how I dance.

I dance like a bad bitch. You know what I'm sayin'?

I bust it open.

So why don't you get some manners, nigga?

Nah, nigga, what you need is some motherfuckin' dance lessons, my nigga,

'cause your half white side was for sure showin' in the back, nigga.

That shit was shinin', my nigga.

And why you say nigga like you scared to say it, fool?

Remember, Coop, you a Black man, nigga.

First of all, ow.

Second, you know, I'm bright-skinned.

-What? -You know, I'm incog-Negro.

What the fuck is incog-Negro, Coop?

It's actually this, uh, phrase I coined for a nigga that looks white.

Nah, you right about that shit, nigga.

You do be lookin' white than a motherfucker,

like Food Network white-ass nigga,

Ziploc bag, clear-ass nigga. You right about that shit, nigga.

-Broccoli casserole-lookin' ass. -Look, okay, fuck you, all right?

All I'm sayin' is I, I, I can't be runnin' around

saying "nigga" all the time in front of a bunch of niggas

that don't know I'm actually a nigga,

my nigga. I'll get fucked up.

You right, nigga. You almost caught that Hadouken

right now, nigga. You lucky you my motherfuckin' cousin too.

And I still don't know how you came out my auntie

lookin' like she drank bleach at the bar

for nine months, nigga.

Hey, guys. Happy Monday.

Oh, I'm sorry.

You guys were talking about the N-word again.

I can see myself out.

It's... [chuckles] it's all good.

What's up, Tables?

Okay, I'm sorry to be Mr. Difficult here,

but I'm gonna need you to take care of that loose nail

on the side of the front door walkway, man.

It's a frickin' danger zone.

Uh, uh, it's not a big deal. I'll get to it.

Whatever. It's straight.

Nigga, it'll take five minutes.

-Why, thank you, T Man. -That shit's been there for three months, fool.

Somebody gonna call the police on your ass.

What, what is this three-way situation?

Okay? I do not consent right now. All right?

-Why, why y'all gangin' up on me? Chill out. -So, yeah,

-you fellas wanna hear what I got into this weekend? -Nope.

-Definitely not. -Well, first I saw the new Astroblastermovie.

Bro, why you always talk about that fantasy shit?

That shit's wack as fuck, Tables.

Okay, T Man, you're just mad 'cause you like sci-fi

and I happen to find fantasy to be deeper than outer space.

[T Man] Nah, nigga, fuck that shit.

-Fifth Element... -Mm.

...Valerian,my nigga.

Dune,with Timothy Chandelier,

all that shit poppin', nigga.

But elves, hobbits, wizards, Yoda,

and them niggas, all that shit gay as fuck, bro.

Whoa, how can you say that?

-What, "niggas"? -No.

It only sound bad when fucking cops say it,

and Coop's ass.

Hey, fuck you, man.

No, the other one.

-What, hobbits? -What? Of course not.

The other one. The worst one.

-What, Tables? Spit it out, fool. -Okay, T Man,

you can't just be... [whispering] runnin' around

sayin' "gay," okay?

Hobbits are gay as fuck.

Yo, why are you saying this shit all loud

in front of customers, man? Like, you can't--

They're gonna think it's homophobic.

Yeah, 'cause it is.

Well, I mean... not, not really.

-You know, I mean... "Faggot" is homophobic. -No.

But we don't be sayin' that shit. I, I don't say that shit.

Bro, why you lyin' to this motherfucker about that shit?

You say "faggot" all the time, fool.

And I be sayin' that shit too, nigga.

We say it together all the time, nigga. Like...

But when we say it, we don't mean it like that, my nigga.

Like, we just talking shit, nigga. That's that hood shit.

You know, when I say "Hobbits are gay, nigga,"

I don't mean they're actually fuckin' each other, Coop.

What the fuck are you doin', man?

[T Man] That's not what makes them gay, bro.

Damn. Come to think about it, a little niggly

helps his best friend return some jewelry,

-that defines gay. -Whoa.

They went to the ends of Mordor

to save an entire realm.

It's a little gay, but mostly it's just beautiful.

Boy, shut your High School Musical-lookin' ass up.

-I'll take that as a compliment. -[Cooper] I don't know why you talkin' shit.

You look like Olmec from Legends of the Hidden Temple.

♪ Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick ♪

♪ Nickelodeon ♪

[T Man] You didn't even have cable, Coop,

so I don't even know how you watched that shit.

Yeah, how about just eat my ass? How about that?

Why don't you catch me outside, eat my whole asshole?

-How about that? -[T Man] Nigga, you just mad.

Goddamn, your shadow blacker than your ass, Lite-Brite.

First of all, you know that strikes a chord with me.

Second, you so Black, lightning bugs follow you in the daytime.

Buckets. Sorry, it's a horrible throw. I got weak, weak wrists.

You so white, you goddamn-- I can see your thoughts, nigga.

Them bitches is transparent, Coop. God damn.

All right, that was pretty good.

But, uh, I don't know... you so Black,

you carry food stamps in a money clip.

-How about that? -Boy, nigga, you just mad

vitiligo hit your whole body at once, Michael Jackson.

-[Tables clears throat] -[door closes]

Well, bro, you look like you drop common loot

when you're defeated. [laughing]

[speaks Elvish] Oh, sorry. That's Elvish for "Well done."

High five myself.

Tables, you so white,

you make Coop look like Malcolm X, my nigga.

[woman vocalizing]

-Hey, guys. -Oh, uh, hey, Melanie.

-Oh, hey, Melanie. [mimics choking] -Fuck you, T Man.

-Hi, Tables. [chuckles] -How was your weekend?

It was really lucrative, actually,

-which is good. -What, you was streamin' on the Internet,

-doin' the OnlyFans jiggy? -I had a garage sale with my mom,

-so the complete opposite. -[T Man] I'm just sayin', god damn,

-slide the panties to the side or something on the Internet. -[Melanie gasps]

-These motherfuckers payin' for that type of shit. -[Tables] Bro.

Look, you, you ain't even gotta fuckin' work up in this bitch no more,

and you could probably sh-- show one nipple...

-Oh, my God. -...and that shit gonna pay your rent

for six months straight. I guarantee it.

No, I know. But I like working here.

-Well, I don't. -Okay, well, I do.

Especially when I'm not being told to, like, show my titties on camera.

-I was just suggesting something lucrative that... -Sure.

-...you could do for yourself. Entrepreneur-type shit. -Okay.

-There are lots of other ways for women to make money. -I'm just sayin'.

Like what?

Anyway, Melanie, uh, did you, uh,

did you get that bracelet that you ended up wanting?

No. It's really sad. I was saving up for it,

and then on the way here this morning, I was, like,

"Oh, I'm gonna see if it's in the window." It's not.

That's because an OnlyFans bitch twerked away in the window

and stole that bitch right in front of your face.

Hey, what the fuck are y'all doing?

What-- I, I don't understand. I'm over here.

I'm slavin' away in this motherfucker.

-What is happening? -[Melanie] Sorry.

Okay. Can y'all-- Can you situate

and get back to work, possibly?

Is that, is that okay, my lord?

["Sudden Science II" by Peanuts]

-[squeaking] -[muffled] What?

[blows]

What the fuck is this shit?

-Oh, my God. -You guys gonna rip Duck Hunttonight?

Uh, yeah, actually.

But I'm over the ducks. You know? I wanna go clay pigeons.

-That shit's way harder. -All right.

Well, whatever ducks you're killing,

just remember who holds the high score, okay?

Uh, yeah, whatever. You only have that

'cause Tables spilled ginger ale all over the system

-and fucked the cartridge up. -Okay, well, why don't we get him some sippy cups

so we don't have any more excuses? Okay?

-Yeah, whatever. -[Melanie giggles]

So, uh, how you doing?

What's up in your world?

Uh, I'm okay.

Want to get out of my mom's house

'cause I'm 28, so...

You're gonna need a better job if you want your own spot and nice shit,

-like that bracelet or whatever you were talking about. -God, the bracelet.

Don't even remind me.

Do you know the whole story with that?

Uh, no.

So, I was out to lunch with Tables the other day,

and we went by that jewelry store,

-and I saw it in the window, this bracelet... -Hm.

...sort of made out of rubies like my grandma used to wear.

She gave it to me when I was a kid before she died, so...

I'm sorry. What happened to it?

Uh, I traded it for nachos

from this girl at Six Flags.

[snickers]

-Oh, you s-- you're serious. Oh, I'm, I'm sorry. -Yeah, I'm dead serious.

-Yeah. -Uh...

So, you and Tables go to lunch often?

What the fuck is that about?

Not as often as I would like.

What? Are you se-- You like Tables?

Quiet. God.

[quietly] Fuckin' like Tables?

-Tub-les? -[chuckles]

I just-- I would've never guessed.

You know, he's built like a fuckin' swing set

riding an Olsen twin.

He's just a nice guy, and he's really sweet, and he's cute,

and he likes hobbits, which I think is adorable.

-So... -[snickers] Yeah, okay. Wait, wait, wait.

Imagine, like, you guys do actually go out...

[with accent] and it's, like, a year.

A year has gone by in time,

and you're, you're in love.

When you leave some kind of establishment--

What is this accent that you're doing?

[normal] And some, like, crazy-ass motherfucker

comes out with a .357 Magnum

and points it at y'all, like, where is his love of hobbits

and shit gonna come in handy then?

I mean, I think the better question is,

when is any guy's bullshit gym routine

gonna come in handy against a bullet?

You know what I mean? Why are you so upset?

You're my boss. Why do you give a shit about whether I like guys

for their body or for their personalities?

I wouldn't say I'm upset. I just...

I find it really hard to believe that, you know,

a cute girl like yourself with a pick of the lot

doesn't want somebody who's, like

-Team Jacob shredded. -[chuckling] Team Jacob.

You know? Like Stallone. Like, fuckin', just, like...

[mimicking Sylvester Stallone] "Adrian! Yo, yo, Melanie! Hey, yo, Melanie!"

Like, you could have that guy.

Sure. This is the thing. Look,

we're all gonna look like shit one day, right?

We're all gonna be ugly when we're old. Do you know what I mean?

-I'm ugly right now. -[laughs] Exactly.

-So, would you rather be with somebody that you like... -What?

...because they have a rocking bod and you spend all this time with them,

and you grow old together, and you detest the person they are underneath,

you know, Jesus' abs and Jude Law's jawline? [chuckles]

Or would you rather fall head over heels for someone

and spend 50 years together

-and pick out the perfect plot of land... -[cell phone rings]

...to rest side by side for all of eternity?

Well, thankfully, I'm a workaholic. What the f...

-[muffled] Pick up the phone, Coop. -[muffled] Come out here.

The phone, nigga. Pick up the phone, nigga.

-[cell phone continues ringing] -Hello?

-Where the vinyl cleaner at, nigga? -Are you serious?

You couldn't take ten steps out here and just ask me?

This is way faster, nigga. Where it's at?

Do you understand that in the time that it took for you

to pull out your phone, unlock the shit, go to your contacts,

call me, wait for the shit to fuckin' ring,

you could've walked out here, took ten steps?

Coop, why you so upset all the time?

'Cause you be doing dumb-ass shit all the time.

Come out here, man.

Yes, massa?

Oh, fuck you.

Oh, no, sir. Please, sir.

Don't give me no lashes today, sir.

I just wanna eat like the rest of the slaves, sir.

Can you please point me in the direction of the vinyl cleaner, sir?

Please. I don't want no trouble.

Nigga, where the vinyl cleaner at?

It's under the register.

Why you ain't tell me that shit

when I was in there, nigga?

I was just there.

[cloth rips]

Oh, shit.

Yo, what the fuck, man?

This is my favorite fuckin' jacket, nigga.

-I can't believe this shit. -[Melanie] I told you to fix that nail.

Yo, Tremaine, where you goin', man?

We got customers in here, bro.

Find out on the next episode of Nigga Ball Z!

-♪ Uh, super microphonus ♪ -♪ Yo, yo ♪

-♪ Uh, super microphonus ♪ -♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

-♪ Uh, super microphonus ♪ -♪ Listen up ♪

♪ Here's news, I'mma make it ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Uh, super microphonus ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yo, listen up ♪

♪ Super microphonus ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Uh, super microphonus ♪

♪ Yeah, uh ♪

♪ Yo, listen up ♪

♪ Listen up, listen up ♪

[music stops]

Unh.

There she go.

[whirring]

[Melanie] T Man, I knew you printed stuff.

I didn't know you could actually, like,

make clothes.

Mm. I wanna make clothes.

Hm. This is really awesome.

Thanks.

"Sew What You Reap."

What's that?

-That's the brand. -[chuckles]

My grandma taught me how to sew

when I was in middle school

-before she passed. And all the kids... -Yeah?

...used to make fun of me for that shit,

but I, I figured one day I'll,

-I'll reap what I sow. -Hm. That's good.

So, what, you want to be a fashion designer?

I mean, I wanna make clothes, start my own brand.

Maybe open up a store or some shit.

-That'd be dope as fuck. -Mm-hm.

Maybe collab with Pharrell.

-Pharrell? -Hell yeah.

Man, you've been sayin' that since we were kids, bro.

You just gotta do it.

Nah, bro, you the businessman.

You the one be payin' all the bills and shit,

makin' it happen, nigga. I don't know how to do all that shit.

I just like fucking designing and creating clothes, man.

Can you make one for me?

-Anytime, slime. -[chuckles]

♪ Let me give you some ♪

♪ Sweet lovin'... ♪

[woman] Excuse me.

-Uh, hey. Hi. -Hi.

-How are you? -How are you? Good. How are you?

So, we're having a good day, huh?

-It is, yes. -Yeah, it's nice.

Yeah, it's beautiful outside.

It's beautiful in here. [chuckles]

-Yeah, my son would like to buy something. -Oh. What?

[mouthing]

Oh. Hey, uh, can I help you with anything?

Pidda.

Oh, we don't,

we don't sell pizza here.

No, Pizza Man. Jay Dilla.

Oh, snap, little man. What you know about Jay Dilla?

-Thank you. -You're welcome.

Actually, you know what?

Why don't you just take this one on the house?

-Are you sure? -Oh, yeah, I'm... [indistinct]

-I'm positive. -Oh, that's so sweet.

-Thank you. Yeah. -Thank you. I appreciate that.

Thank you. Say bye!

-[boy] Thank you. -[woman] Thank you.

Okay. All right. See ya.

[mouthing words]

Hey, uh, thank you for meeting me, sir.

Just need, uh, another extension.

Hey, I just need one more extension.

It's not a big deal.

Daddy needs a new pair of shoes.

Thanks, uh, thanks for meeting with me.

[Banks] I don't know what to tell you here, kid.

How the hell do you owe $178,000?

You own a record store.

Well, I'm-- It's the pandemic, you know?

I mean, it hit us really hard, and I continued

to pay my employees full salary--

Yeah, why would you do that?

I mean, what was I supposed to do? Just fire 'em?

Yes, exactly that.

You're running a business, not a soup kitchen.

Well, I mean... [sighs] You know,

they're not numbers to me, okay?

These people are like family.

Unfortunately, one of them actually is.

And I can sleep good at night, you know,

knowing I made that decision.

Even though, ironically, I actually had to move out of my apartment.

I've been sleeping in the office. [chuckles]

You're currently residing in the establishment?

Yeah.

That's a violation.

What? Look... [sighs]

can't we, like, file an extension or something?

You already filed twice.

I'm sorry. There's nothing you can do.

There's gotta be something I can do.

There's not.

Look me in the eyes as a man and tell me

there's nothing I can do to save my business.

[sighs]

There's nothing you can do.

[Cooper sighs]

Is that your boy? Real handsome.

Got a strong jawline, just like his old man.

That's my daughter.

[soft music]

[Cooper] Isn't there some kind of a contingency

-or something we can... -[Banks] I'll take a look.

Don't get your hopes up. I'll call you later, okay?

Fuck! Fuck!

Motherfucking bitch! Fuckin'...

[sighs]

I had no idea.

Yeah, I know. That means I did a good job.

Here you go.

Thank you.

And pancakes.

I put a little smiley face on there

'cause you seem a little upset.

Thanks. I appreciate it.

[Celeste] Yeah, sure. Go ahead, take a bite.

Like, right this second?

Yeah.

Okay.

[crunching]

What is with the crunch on this?

Oh, yeah, those are good.

What is this, toast? Is this, like, a to--

I'm not even trying to sound rude at all.

It's just, like...

Listen to that.

Oh, that's a good crunch on that.

-A-- Good crunch on a pancake? -You don't like the crunch?

-This is Cap'n Crunch-level crunch. -[Celeste] What?

This is like-- What a, what's a-- Master Sergeant Crunch.

It's the home of the crunchy pancake. It's been on the sign for years.

-Yeah, it's on the sign. -[Cooper] Crunch on a pancake?

[Celeste] It's crunchy on the outside, pillowy on the inside.

Okay, I don't need the sarcastic cutting.

I'm just being funny. But look at me.

I'm being a prick. If I can be honest with you,

yeah, I'm having a bad fucking day.

-[Celeste sighs] -Okay, um, uh, excuse me.

That's okay. I curse all the time.

Can you give me one right now?

Okay, well, um, there's...

...cock fuck.

[Melanie] Oh, two.

Noice. You got any more?

[Celeste] Um, and then there's, you know,

-suck my ass, suck my asshole... -[Cooper] Mm.

...suck my gape, suck my gash. Golly.

There's suck my cunt, obviously. That's a classic.

Eat my butthole. Eat my slit.

Uh, eat the pancake.

[Celeste] Yeah.

-Wow. -Right?

That's really amazing. Thank you so much.

You're gonna be okay.

I appreciate it.

-[retches] -Oh, my God. Bad?

-Yeah, it fucking sucks. -Okay.

I'm trying to-- I do-- I don't know what to say, uh, to you. Uh...

Just don't say anything, all right?

Did-- You haven't told T Man?

-A-- and Tables? They don't know? -[chuckles]

-I haven't told them. I haven't told you because... -Wait.

...I was hoping there was something I could do

-to fix this. -You should've told them sooner.

You should've told me sooner, to be honest.

I shouldn't have found out this way.

I was hoping that I could fix this,

and it doesn't look like I can.

I'm still gonna try. Okay?

-Yeah. -Here you go, Mel. [exhales]

[Melanie] Thank you so much.

Look, I'm a hugger. Do you mind?

-Okay. -Oh.

But I don't like to be touched.

[R&B music playing]

[chuckling] Yo, what the fuck?

-Yo, this is crazy, bro. -What, fool?

It's this part where this nigga says-- Fuck, it, like, what--

This crazy-ass nigga comes in and--

Uh, I can't even explain it.

Excuse me, but I know

you didn't just say what I think you said.

Yeah, he did. He sure did.

-I heard him. -No, I'm so--

It-- Look, it's not what it sounded like, okay? Uh--

It sounded like you about to get an ass whooping, white boy.

Hell, yeah, Unc. Jump on his ass, nigga.

From the top ropes on that, nigga. I got the camera. Let's go.

No, you don't understand. I'm, I'm Black.

[scoffs] What?

I mean, uh, I'm half Black.

I'm biracial. I'm mixed race.

[sighs] Shit. Negro, please.

That's all you had to say.

Oh, man, damn.

Okay, that's like my biggest fear just happened, actually.

My kids got a white mama.

God damn, boy. I bet she got good credit too.

And one of the kids came out looking like,

you know, Mr. Clean and shit. [chuckles]

See, Coop, you ain't the only light-skinned nigga on Earth.

Hey, can you sign for this, nigga?

[chuckling] Uh, yeah.

Damn, Coop, he done called you a nigga in public.

Nigga, you like that shit, don't you?

This is your moment, fool.

You've been waiting on this shit

since we was kids, nigga.

[man chuckles]

-Feel good about it. -I know.

Thank you very much. I appreciate that.

I mean, thanks, nigga.

There you go, brother.

-All right. -All right.

Y'all stay Black. [chuckles]

I'll try.

Yeah, keep tryin'.

♪ Have some Motherfuckin' respect ♪

♪ For your elders ♪

♪ I'm your daddy ♪

♪ Listen If you wanna ball like me ♪

♪ Then you gotta hustle 'Cause pussy ain't free ♪

♪ If you really wanna succeed ♪

♪ Open up your mind... ♪

-What's up, y'all? -[T Man] That's a good question.

-What's happenin'? -What's goin' on, Smoke Dog?

Hey, Ms. Lady.

♪ If you really wanna succeed ♪

♪ Open up your mind... ♪

-[grunts] What's up, Daddy? -What's up?

Ow! What the fuck is wrong with you?

What the fuck is wrong with you, man? I heard you're losing the shop.

Damn, Daddy. Why'd you-- why the fuck you comin' at me like that, man?

Man, what the fuck is goin' on with you, huh?

-What? Wait, wait. -I taught you better than that.

You a Black man.

Where'd you hear I was losing the shop?

Man, streets talk.

-I heard everything in the streets, man. -The street?

-You're 70 years old. What the fuck are you doin'-- -That don't fuckin' matter.

-You in the streets at 70? -Nigga, I'm in the streets,

I'm in the sheets. I be hustlin'.

I be hustling, Cooper.

-Hustling what? -Hustlin' everything.

Pills, women. I hustle them all.

Anything that's gonna make me some money.

-Damn. -Don't you know your daddy is a...

♪ P-I-M-P? ♪

Damn. Hit that. What-- That sounded good. Hit that one more time.

-♪ P-I-M-P ♪ -♪ P ♪

-You, you wild, Daddy. You a wild... -[laughing]

-...a wild guy. -Hey. Yeah, but you know I love you.

-I love you too. -You know, and you could,

you could let me know how I can help you.

But I can't help you with no money, son.

-Uh, my money is tied up in bonds overseas. -What you--

Nigga, what are you, James Bond overseas? What kind of shit is that?

No, man, I ain't James Bond.

I'm just Smokey.

Nigga, you got some shit on your lip. What the fuck?

Okay. You good? What you, what you for-- what you doing?

I guess it must be from...

[sniffles] eating that good pussy.

You're aware you're, like, 70 years old?

-I can still do my thing, you know? -Hm.

Don't you wish you'd be able to do your thing

when you're my age?

Your dick still get hard?

Oh, man. Does it?

-Uh, does it? I'm asking. -Like Chinese arithmetic, brother.

Nigga, what the fuck are you talkin' about?

You haven't explained to me why you are losing your shop.

Hold on. Hold on. Let me pretend I'm you, eh?

Well, son, let me tell you what you should do, son.

You should open up a appliance center, okay?

And put-- Invest it in blenders, nigga.

Invest it in blenders. And I'm, like, "Okay, Dad."

-Where the weed at, nigga? I ain't got time for this shit. -You trying to smoke?

-Damn right, I'm trying to smoke. -You trying to smoke right now?

-Right now. -Say, "I wanna smoke right now."

I wanna smoke right now.

There's no way this motherfucker right here is your dad, dude.

-What do you mean? Look-- -You're white as fuck, bruh.

His mom's white as fuck, bruh.

-Look at this-- -She was Caucasian.

I need to see fuckin'-- some fuckin' proof, bruh.

-Like, some-- -What are you...

He's right in front of you.

So, this, this is your son?

Of course. Cooper, aren't you my young man?

Yeah, nigga, drop your pants. We both got the same size dick. It's huge.

♪ Unh, unh, unh... ♪

Why don't Black chicks like me, man?

-What? Lack you-- -Black chicks. Black chicks don't like me, man.

'Cause you ain't got no dick, dude.

[laughs]

♪ Check, unh... ♪

Damn, nigga, that's fast as shit.

Unh. Okay, nigga, stay on the metronome. Nigga, shit.

Your grandmother told me that...

♪ Pussy ain't nothing But meat on a bone ♪

-♪ Unh ♪ -♪ You can fuck it You can suck it ♪

♪ You can leave it alone ♪

♪ Yeah, one and only ♪

♪ These are The motherfuckin' stonies ♪

♪ Straight-up jabroni ♪

♪ You gotta get it Feelin' stony ♪

♪ One of a kind when I rhyme ♪

♪ Off the top of my mind ♪

♪ These motherfuckers know ♪

♪ I put it In the bitch's spine... ♪

The only thing that's offensive

about somebody sayin' "nigga"

-is when they say "nigger." -Yeah.

-[indistinct] -When Leonardo DiCaprio did that shit in Django,

I was fucked up.

But that was a bar, man.

He had to play that, nigga.

He, he played it, nigga, to my heart, nigga.

I was mad at the nigga ever since.

-I don't even fuck with his movies no more. -Oh.

♪ 'Cause she's A crackhead bitch ♪

♪ Suckin' on a glass dick ♪

-♪ Say what? Say what? ♪ -♪ What? ♪

-♪ What? ♪ -♪ She's a crackhead bitch ♪

♪ Suckin' on the Devil's ♪

-♪ Ding dong ♪ -♪ Ding dong ♪

♪ Nigga ♪

["Love is a Funny Game" by Sean Wolcott]

[band vocalizing]

T Man, what the fuck? What are you doing?

Just making sure, nigga.

What? Isn't that-- It's not broken.

He's making sure no one's stealing,

like he always is.

Bro, are you serious?

You know, we've only ever had one shoplifter,

and the kid was, like, 12.

And you literally punched him in the stomach.

Nah, nigga, you never know, fool.

Look around this motherfucker. First of all,

we ain't got no cameras, nigga.

Need to invest in a motherfuckin' camera system.

'Cause, look, nigga, it could be this old motherfucker in the back

acting all weird and alone and shit.

[screams]

[T Man] Or them gay Chinese niggas over there.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Why, why you gotta say they're gay?

'Cause I saw them gay-ass niggas kissin' outside

when I was smokin' a doinker earlier, fool.

I don't give a fuck them niggas is gay, Coop.

I'm just making an observation, fool.

They gay, so what?

You've done gay shit before, nigga.

I don't give a fuck.

Uh, what's, like-- What, what gay shit?

It's not-- I mean, wha--

You know, when you're, you're, like, you're, like, young,

like 11, 12, and you're spending the night at your homie's house,

and it's like a sleepover, and you guys are both under the covers,

you got the flashlight and you're telling,

you fucking reading Goosebumpsand shit,

and everything's all fun,

and then the lights go out.

And, uh, you know, the hands come out, and, uh, next thing you know,

you're jerking your friend off and he's jerking you off,

and you're, like, totally pretending

it's Jessica Chasmore from fourth period.

And it's like a whole thing,

but it's, you know, it's not gay.

I mean, it's-- I mean, kind of gay, but not really.

Just more about, like, trying to figure it out

and, like, explore.

That's all it was.

You know? Like three times.

-Five times, max. -Five times, fool?

It took you five times to realize you wasn't gay, Coop?

That's a lot, nigga.

Yeah, that, that, that's true.

It's not like I came.

Well, I mean, I did have an orgasm,

but it was just, I was so young. It was like ghost loads.

-Nothing came out. -What about that time

you sucked that nigga's dick, fool?

[Melanie] Oh.

You sucked a dick?

I mean, I didn't suck his dick.

You know what I mean? It was just more like a, a little lick.

-Look. -Explain yourself, nigga.

Oh, my God.

[Cooper] I licked his dick three times

for $5 in which he did not give me.

And the lesson I got was do not suck dick for money.

And foreskin is salty. And that was it.

Cooper, I wonder if this sort of sounds like

you might have been assaulted.

Actually, I have been molested.

It wasn't that. Trust me.

-Okay. -Yeah.

Like I was saying, nigga... [chuckling]

I don't give a fuck if niggas is gay, fool.

-Shh. -[Cooper] Well, then why you gotta say they're Chinese?

You don't know, man. They could be Taiwanese. They could be Korean.

They could be, uh, Japanese. Like, what the fuck?

Have some respect. You don't know that they're Chinese.

-There are people in the store. -[T Man] I heard them fools

talking a little chit-chat shit earlier.

Talking about some... [speaks Mandarin]

nigga, in Mandarin.

Uh, what does that mean?

It means "I wanna fuck you tonight." [chuckles]

-Oh. -Wait. Hold on. You, you know Mandarin?

I know things, nigga.

I taught myself that shit to get better prices on fabric downtown.

And another thing I motherfuckin' know?

Somebody in this bitch stealing some shit right now, nigga.

And it's probably who you least expected, fool.

-Like who? -Ooh, like that pregnant bitch over there.

-I bet she's shoving merchandise up her pussy, nigga. -Shut the fuck up.

Shh! [whispering] Shut the fuck up.

This is like the definition of ignorance.

If you opened the dictionary

and searched for the word "ignorant..."

-T Man, right there. -Yes.

I looked it up. It is. It's his face.

-[Cooper] She's not stealing. -Look, I know, fool.

I just ain't realized how fine she was. Damn.

♪ Bussin' ♪

["Moonrise Kingdom" by Michael Wood]

Boop.

-Shit, bro, what's up? -[Cooper] Yo.

Slaydro. What the fuck, man?

Bro, I haven't seen you in forever.

[exhales] I know. I know, man.

Yeah, you know me. I'm just out here... [scoffs] dodgin' cops and coppin' digits.

-[chuckles] So, same as always. -Yeah, yeah.

You know, I got arrested for a little bit.

I was, I was in jail for, like, three weeks.

So, that's why, like, my bad I didn't hit you up

and, and see if you wanted to re-up on the weed.

-But hopefully it lasted. -Oh.

You know what? If I can be honest with you,

and I swear to God I'm not just saying this,

it was the best fucking weed I've ever smoked in my life.

That's what I aim to do.

I'm here to supply...

-Yeah, I just smoked... -...a good time.

...the last roach of it this morning,

and I was gonna hit the dispensary, actually.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Uh-uh.

[retches]

-What? -Don't ever say that word in front of me again.

-What? -Dispensa... [retches]

-[chuckles] -You kidding me?

You cannot.

I mean, you cannot buy

from those Ronald McDonald McFuck assholes, all right?

You gotta buy from the people who live to supply, you know?

All right, well... what you got?

Me? Oh, I got nothin'.

What do you mean you d-- You sell weed.

No. No, no, no. Not no more.

I'm on house arrest. See?

Wait, wait. You're on house arrest right now?

Mm-hm. That's why I can't sell you weed.

Yeah, but you also can't leave your house.

Do you understand that?

No, no, no, I can.

I put pillows under the blankets,

so when they get there... [chuckles] we're all good.

Home Alonethat shit. You know what I mean?

You're fuckin' joking. You're joking.

No, dude. You Macaulay Culk-can't leave your home alone

when you're on house arrest.

You're wearing an ankle bracelet.

[stutters] So I have to leave with someone?

-Home al-- alone? -I'm-- What I'm trying to tell you,

-you're wearing an ankle bracelet... -Yeah.

...that is supposed to monitor you inside of your house.

-Uh-huh. -And you're outside of your house.

But the pillows.

But the bracelet.

Slaydro, do the math. You look like fucking Zach Galifianakis

in The Hangoverright now.

Ah.

I think I fucked up.

Yeah, you think you fucked up?

-I know you fucked up. -Oh, I gotta go home.

-Yes, you do. -Oh, man. I gotta go home,

like, right now.

Okay. I think you're right. Yeah.

Yeah. Fuck. I gotta go home.

-Go home. -Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

-All right. -But you need weed, right?

-Hm. -I never leave a brother dry.

Just call this number.

-You see? All right. Bob. -Mm-hm.

He's not gonna say nothing.

Just tell him how much you want,

where to meet him, what time. He'll be there.

Wait, what do you mean he's not gonna say any--

Like, I'm gonna call him and--

Yeah, he won't talk at all.

You mean, like, like Helen Keller?

No, no, no. He leaves his attic.

So it's all good.

[static crackling]

["Fear" by Logic]

♪ I can't let you Hold me back... ♪

There it is.

Hey, Cooper. How are you?

Oh, shit. What's up, bro?

-I haven't seen you-- -[gasps] "Bro"?

Do I look like bro right now?

I'm offended. Address me as the queen I am.

Is this really what we're doing?

Yes, it is.

Okay. All right. Well... [sighs]

Hi, bitch! Oh, my God.

You look so motherfuckin' beautiful.

♪ You just look so damn good ♪

♪ You just bust it On the floor ♪

-Is that good enough? -Why you have to be such an asshole like that?

-You better kiss my hand. -That I'm not doing.

That is definitely not happening.

Yes, it is. Kiss it.

-Please kiss my hand. -No.

Yes.

-No. -Yes.

-No. No. -Yes.

-Yes. Yes. -No. No.

-Yes. Yes. Yes. -No. No. No!

-Yes. Yes. -No! No! All right!

-I always get my way. -Anyway, motherfucker, what's up?

I have a huge gig tonight at the Aquarius Theater.

I'm looking for something to get jiggy with.

-Big Willie Style? -Yes.

It's giving vibes.

You know, 'cause Will Smith slaps.

You're crazy, dude. I mean, sister.

I'm not your bro, I'm not your sister, I'm not a dude,

-but I can be your homegirl. -[giggles]

Anyway, um, why don't you just take this on the house?

-Cooper, that's so sweet of you. Thank you. -Yeah, come on. Of course. Yeah.

Make sure you're safe, and don't do nothin' too crazy.

And, uh, break a leg.

My legs are always broke.

All right. For sure. Peace out.

You're cute. See you later, girl.

-All right. Bye. -Bye.

[soft rock music]

Hey, dude, what's up?

What's up, white boy?

-Do you sell drugs? -What?

Like, are you holding?

Holding this dick, motherfucker.

What you lookin' for?

Can I have $20 worth, please?

Yeah, put it right there, nigga. Quick, fool. Quick.

Don't look around, neither.

How the hell did you find me anyway, white boy?

On this subreddit.

It was called Black People of Bend.

What the fuck was you doing on all Black People of Bend, though?

I think Black women are extremely beautiful.

Mm, me too, nigga.

This nigga Coop...

Grab that shit quick. Grab it quick. Grab it quick.

Do you sell any Coke or Brown?

Hell no.

Or, like, hydras or ketamine

or Norcos or Oxys or Percocets or triple Cs?

-What? -Do you sell any Lexapro?

I don't fuck with none of them white people drugs.

Only what comes out of Mother Nature's pussy, nigga.

-Ozempic. -No.

-[snaps fingers] Get the fuck outta here. -What?

Get the fuck outta here.

-What? -Get the fuck outta here, white boy.

Go, nigga, quick.

Move fast. Hurry up. Nigga, go.

-Get the fuck up outta here. Go. -What did I say about selling weed in the store?

-Not to sell it. -Okay.

Coop, that was just oregano. Nigga, it ain't that deep.

-Chill, cuz. -It is that deep. What if he starts smokin' it

and fuckin' acting like an Italian?

Nigga, these motherfuckers be so drugged out on other shit

they can't even tell the difference. Coop, what you talkin' about?

[sighs] Look, bro, I don't want some motherfucker

who looks like God and dogma in my store, okay?

I don't want these people around.

What if he comes back here?

Then I'll beat their ass, Coop.

You know what time it is.

Well, what if one of these kids

fuckin' tells their parents?

Coop, first of all,

what type of drug addict

tells their parents

they're on drugs, my nigga?

That shit sound crazy.

And second, even if they did,

fool, what they gonna do? Call the police?

Like, uh, "Yes, Officer,

uh, there's a large nigger at Paradise Records.

Can we please send a SWAT team down there?

-He's sellin' fake marijuana." -Can you chill for a second?

You might not be taking this shit seriously,

but I take it seriously. What is wrong with you?

You need to fuckin' start acting more professional, bro.

Bro, why are you coming at me like that, Coop?

You're selling fake weed at work.

Bro, you acting like we're gonna lose the shop

over that little-ass play. Nigga, chill.

No, it's not even about that, bro.

At this point, I just feel like you take advantage of me.

You walk all over me, man.

You fuckin' show up late, you leave early.

Coop, I was on time every single day this week.

Nigga, what you talkin' about?

Tremaine, it's Monday.

Look, all I'm sayin'-- You know what? I don't even wanna

have this conversation with you right now.

Go to lunch, please. Take your break.

Thank you, employee. Goodbye.

Nigga, I'm not even hungry, fool.

I don't give a fuck.

Go take your lunch.

Nigga, I ain't gonna take no lunch.

But what I will do, Coop,

Lite-Brite, Casper,

is I'll go smoke me a little doinker, nigga,

'cause you is trippin' right now.

Cooper. Hey.

Mike.

Mike Hawk, your neighbor.

You know why I'm here.

Just do us both a favor.

Finally sell me your location, okay?

Uh, no, thanks. What are you talking about?

Okay, listen.

A little birdie told me that you're going

through some financial troubles.

Well, let me help you.

I'll buy your shop. Everybody wins.

Uh, what are you talk-- No.

I literally lose my shop and every--

No, I-- How do I win in that situation?

Okay, I'm gonna stop you right there.

I can't handle the word "no."

-Uh... -So, let's just avoid that.

Okay? Think about it a little bit longer.

Get back to me, okay?

I'll even hire all your people.

All of them.

Everybody wins.

You know, I really wish T Man was here right now

to say some racist white people shit.

God, that would make us uncomfortable, wouldn't it?

Hey, us white people gotta stick together.

-What the-- What? -What?

-What? -Hey.

I'm just saying what we're both thinking.

Just call me about this, okay?

I'll buy it.

I'm not white.

Man, what's up with White Devil Cooper talkin' to me like that, bro?

[Tables sighs] Yeah, man, I don't know.

He's honestly been acting kind of strange

for the last few weeks.

Homie don't play that shit, man.

And he lucky he my cousin.

Treat me like an employee and shit.

Okay, not to play White Devil's advocate here,

but you were selling drugs inside of his business.

Bro, it wasn't fuckin' drugs.

And he's lucky I got people coming

in this slow-ass motherfucker.

Coop was being an asshole, Tables.

Okay, T Man, I'm gonna level with you.

When Cooper started this business,

he could have hired anybody in the w--

anybody in the Greater Portland area

to be there for him when he did.

-But he chose you. -Right.

Okay? And, yeah, you're a decent employee,

but you sell fake drugs, and you often show up late,

and then usually leave early.

So, when you think about it,

you're kind of being the asshole.

Yeah, real talk with Tables.

Mic drop.

Man, fuck that mic.

But-- Don't kick my mic, man.

♪ I drink too much And work too little ♪

["Sweet Lovin'" by Logic]

♪ Between life and death I'm in the middle ♪

♪ I write these words ♪

♪ And don't know The meaning behind them ♪

♪ I'm just floating Through the universe ♪

♪ I don't know what I'm doing ♪

♪ I wish I had it figured out ♪

♪ But one thing I know for sure... ♪

Coop.

Yo, Coop.

-Cooper. -Oh, shit.

My bad.

Um...

I, uh...

Look, I just...

I wanted to talk to you about what happened earlier.

Coop, I get it, man.

I'm trying to tell you that I was so pissed off earlier

-because I'm losing this-- -'Cause I was being

a fuckin' asshole, bro. I know.

No, Tremaine.

-It's-- -Look, bro, I'm not good at apologizing

and sayin' I'm sorry and all that shit, bro,

but you're the responsible one, Coop.

You're the one who gave me a job when I needed it.

You're the one who owns the shop, bro,

and be paying all the bills and shit.

I get it. Just listen to what I'm trying to say.

Nah, nigga, you listen.

This place, it means a lot to me, cuz.

This opportunity you gave me, bro.

Shit's life-changing, man.

Looked out for your big cousin, man,

when he needed it most.

I was down and out, man,

just scrapin' up change,

hustling whatever I could, bro.

And... you saw that, man,

and you fuckin' pulled me out of that gutter, bro,

and gave me this chance, man.

And I fuckin' always fuckin' love you for that shit, bro.

And I don't mean to be coming in this bitch

-and fuckin' it up, takin' it for granted. -[chuckles]

So, you know what, nigga?

I'ma stop sellin' oregano

and I'ma stop showin' up late, fool.

Ah.

Thank you, Tremaine. I really appreciate it, man.

I got your back to the end, nigga.

-Remember that shit. -Okay.

You know, cats like us,

we don't really talk about our emotions.

I'm just dealing with shit like anybody, and I...

...I don't think I'm ready to really talk about it. And I just,

I just wanted to say I'm sorry for how I was acting,

and I care about you.

And you have been there for me.

-I appreciate it. -We family, nigga.

-We good? -Of course we're good.

[both] Nigga!

[mimics ejaculating]

Oh, Pee-wee Herman lookin'-ass, nigga.

Boy, you look like you moan when you shit.

-Nigga, fuck you! -[laughs]

That shit feels good sometimes, nigga.

Your hairline look goddamn cursive, nigga.

[swishes]

Your credit score is a single digit.

Well, you look like Bobby Hill.

Your beard makes your entire face look like it's made out of pubes.

You look like a, uh, extra on Bebe's Kids.

[chuckles] That's a deep Black reference, nigga.

Well, nigga, you look like salt.

[laughing]

♪ Unh, a'ight, something I can relate to ♪

♪ Is being called "Colored," "Mullato" ♪

♪ "Zebra," "Lite-Brite" ♪

♪ You niggas questioning If I can even say "nigga" ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ DJ Drama ♪

♪ Gangsta, gangsta, gangsta ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Okay, I've been there I've done that ♪

♪ This rap shit had to Get 'round from that ♪

♪ My therapy Helping the boy unpack, yeah ♪

♪ The reason I left And don't wanna come back ♪

♪ Made 100 million And was still depressed ♪

♪ You know, with or without it We still stressed, you know ♪

♪ With or without it We still blessed ♪

♪ Stealth mode Like Ellie in Hillcrest ♪

♪ Yeah, everybody gonna die Gonna go, I know ♪

♪ That's why I flow like a river My liver can't take no more ♪

♪ Ain't no more fucks to give I gotta live my life... ♪

[continues indistinctly]

[muted]

Yo, you a cop?

-What? -I said, are you a fucking cop?

We're not selling donuts here, motherfucker.

Oh, no, I, I got your number from Slaydro.

The fuck did you say?

I said I got your number from Slaydro.

Slaydro?

-Slaydro? -Yeah.

[mimics turntable spinning] Why didn't you just say so, man?

-He's our brother from another mother. -Oh, okay.

We spent six months in the joint with him, man.

He talks a lot, and he's on the spectrum,

but his weed is fuckin' smashin'.

It is pretty fucking good.

But I heard y'all got that shit, so, uh,

can I get something off you guys?

Yo, man, there's an art to this, man.

♪ You gotta put $100 In the palm of my hand ♪

-♪ You gotta-- ♪ -Yeah, listen. I'm sorry, I'm not...

I'm really not trying to sound like an asshole

or anything, but can I just,

can I just buy some fuckin' weed?

What? He doesn't wanna hear me sing? What the fuck?

Yeah. Okay, white boy,

take this shit and get the fuck outta here, then.

-Enjoy the Blueberry Buttfucker. [chuckles] -Wait, uh--

Did you just say Blueberry Buttfucker?

What? I don't know.

Is this weed called "Blueberry Buttfucker"?

Yeah. Why? You afraid to get a little buttfucked?

[snickers] Get a little buttfucked?

Me and my hetero lifemate don't have time

for people who don't know the art of weed.

Oh, my God. I can't fucking believe this.

[clears throat] Okay.

What do you got?

Ooh, I thought you'd never ask.

We got the classic Snoogins OG. That's right.

Snoochie boochies. Nugs tighter than a nun's coochie.

Shit, that must be fuckin' tight as shit.

And then we got Blueberry Buttfucker,

which you already know about.

Clearly.

And then my personal favorite,

Goldie Locks.

[chuckles] Why is it called that?

'Cause it's just right.

Uh, all right, give me some of the Goldie shit. Um...

Yeah, son.

All right. Thanks a lot. Appreciate it.

Well, yo. Oh, my God. This is fuckin' am...

[phone rings]

-Paradise Records. -[Banks] This is loan officer Banks.

Can I speak to Cooper Johnson, please?

Yeah, one second, please.

[softly] Where the fuck Coop at?

-Uh, this is Cooper. -Well, as we discussed,

I looked through your file, and there's really nothing in here

that can extend the 178,000 that you owe.

Fact is, you have to sell and repay your debt

or the bank will attain your business

and all its assets.

-If you'd like to come in, we can-- -What the fuck?

-I left it by the front. -Dude, I'm telling you,

-it's not here. I've already looked. -I don't understand.

[T Man] You bitch-ass nigga.

You weren't gonna fuckin' tell us, nigga?

-Tell us what? -That we're losing the fucking shop, Tables,

and we 'bout to lose our fuckin' jobs too, bro.

Whoa, Cooper, what is he talking about?

He was gonna tell you guys. It's cool.

You told this bitch before us, nigga? Your own cousin?

Hey, T Man, normally I know when you say "bitch," you don't mean it like that,

but if you say it in that tone one more fucking time,

I'm gonna fucking cut your dick off.

Look, I was gonna tell you guys.

Yeah, sure you were, nigga.

Listen to what I'm saying, okay?

It's just-- It's been this whole--

-It's just-- -Dude, this is really fucked up.

I thought the shop was doing great.

It is doing great. It is.

I'm just trying to tell you guys--

How could you fuckin' do this, Coop?

Oh, my God! How could I do this?

How could I do this? What the fuck?

I have been sleeping in the fucking office.

I'm, I'm cooking eggs on a fuckin' propane camping setup.

I've been washing my balls in the sink.

-What? -I had to move out of my fucking apartment for you!

All right? So I'm sorry.

I'm fuckin' sorry that I did everything I could

and borrowed money from the bank

to try to keep this fuckin' place afloat!

Move!

[sighs]

Uh, well, that definitely sheds some more light

on the situation.

[exhales]

Yeah, and why it smells like fuckin' balls in the bathroom.

[soft music]

[drums fade in]

Yo, what's that thing where white people show up

and they give away money 'cause they feel bad for you and shit?

A fundraiser?

Nah, nigga. Not a fuckin' fundraiser.

Fuckin'-- What am I thinkin' of?

Oh, church, nigga. Yeah, church. Kanye did it.

-Remember? -[Cooper] Mm.

Mike Hawk offered to buy the shop out.

If he does that... I'll have enough money to...

...pay the bank back and kind of start fresh, I guess.

Mike Hawk? That guy's a douche.

And I thought you said we could keep our jobs.

Yeah, he'd employ you.

I don't want to work at some lame-ass arcade, nigga.

What if we just sold a bunch of inventory?

I mean, not to sound like an asshole,

but that's literally what I try to do every single day for a living

-as much as I can. -[Melanie] Yeah.

['70s funky disco music]

[Candelabra] Thank you, Daddy.

Hey-hey! There's my nephew.

How you doin'? What's goin' on?

Oh, shit. It's Uncle Tony, Coop.

[Tony] That's right, it's Uncle Tony. How you doin'?

-What's up? -We good?

-Yeah, we good. -Everything's great?

I'm fuckin' great. I just did a bump

in the parking lot. How ya-- Uh, uh, what,

what's goin' on with you? You good?

-Hey, Uncle Tony. -[Tony] Look at this kid.

Doesn't he look just like me? It's weird.

It's so weird. I don't know how you

came out of my sister's vagina and not my balls.

It's like a spitting image. You're a fuckin' sexy beast.

I just want to, I just want to say it's funny,

'cause, you know, he's actually half Black.

-Oh. -I know. I mean, his father is, you know,

his father's Black, but he doesn't look it at all.

But he says, he says the N-word all the time.

It makes everybody around him uncomfortable.

-It's ridiculous. You know? -[chuckles]

And he's, like, "It's my identity.

It's my identity. It's who I am."

No, it's fuckin' not. You can't

identify as Black, moron.

[chuckles] Look at this fuckin' idiot.

You know what I love? Black women. Clearly.

You see, you see what I'm talkin' about?

Uncle Tony loves the Black women.

Incredible. And when I'm with you, it is just like, uh--

I'm like the only white man that was ever invited to Wakanda.

You know what I mean? What kinda things I do to that pussy.

-[chuckles] Oh my gosh. -I'll never tell. [chuckles] I'll never tell.

I fucked it! I did.

-Uh, hello. -[Tony] Oh, shit.

How fuckin' long have I been standing here?

I'm sorry, everybody. This is Candelabra.

Candelabra, this is, uh, uh...

This is Cooper here. Cooper, this is Candelabra.

-It's, uh, Candelabra. -Hello there.

Hi. I'm Candelabra. It's so nice to meet you.

I hope you don't mind, but I'm a hugger.

Okay. Oh, all right. Okay. There.

[phone rings]

Oh, I gotta get that.

So, this album right here,

oh, my God, it was, like, late n--

Uh, what was it, '78? Sometimes it's hard to remember,

but this disco record was fuckin' everything.

19-motherfucking-78 right there.

The music, the movies,

the fuckin' disco. And the comedy.

-I mean, you know, George Carlin, Richard Pryor. -Mm.

Prior to what?

Anyway, y-- So, yeah, it was, it was just comedy. You said whatever you want.

You don-- You weren't trying to hurt anybody or anything like that.

It was crazy. I mean, back then, people could take a joke

like you take a dick, sweetheart. [chuckles]

-Whatever. -Sorry. Do you actually think that is true?

Well, clearly you do, 'cause you're kind of

just saying whatever the fuck you want.

Uh, yes, young lady. I do.

You haven't seen how talented Candelabra is.

-She could suck the white off rice. -Oh.

She turned my foreskin into an eightskin. Haa!

-Yeah, that wasn't what I was talking about. -[Tony] Uh-huh.

I'm talking about how it seems like you think

that women are objects.

Whoa, whoa. J-- J-- Retract the claws, pussycat.

I mean you no harm. I come in peace.

[scoffs] Actually, I come quite aggressively. Haa!

-Ahhh! [slurping] -You like this or...

-Oh, no, she loves it. -I have a dirty daddy kink.

-Okay. Best of luck to you. -[mumbles]

[sighs] Damn, somebody really upset this bitch.

Hey, half-breed, let's go. I gotta talk to you about something.

Look, kid, I, I hate to keep hitting you up for cash like this.

You know what I'm talkin' about? But...

[clears throat] I need it, all right?

-I fuckin' need it. I mean it. -Uncle Tony, I don't have it.

What are you talkin' about? What do I look like? A fuckin' dog?

Yeah, I don't have, I don't have any money.

Do I look like some kind of fuckin' retard to you?

-I can't do that right now. -Is that what you think? Right?

-Huh? Listen. Listen to me. -What do you mean, what am I talkin' about?

-You fuckin'-- You come in here all the time. -Your auntie in there,

-Candelabra. She means... -And you, you're always askin' me for shit. And I,

-I do. I help you. -...a lot to me, all right? We're in fuckin' love.

-[cross talk] -'Cause we're family, and you were there for me when--

-Oh, my gosh, she's down for anything. -Kinda,

-when my mom died. -All the things.

-All the positions. All the styles. -But I don't...

-You know? And sometimes it's only, like... -Listen, I need to...

-...$20 extra. -...tell you something, all right?

-It's crazy. Now, our love... -Listen.

-Our love... is by the hour. -Listen.

-[sighs] I need to tell you something. -Okay?

-What? The gay thing? I know. -What? No!

It's not a big deal. Whatever. Fuck who you want.

What is with everyone thinkin' I'm gay?

-Why does everybody say this? -Listen to what I'm saying. Do you think

-I'm a fucking retard? -It was just eight times.

-Like, max. -Listen to

-what I'm saying to you. -I don't get it.

I got some wise guys after me, okay?

I owe, I owe some people some money I shouldn't, shouldn't have,

I shouldn't have fucked around with, okay?

And I, I need a little bit of help from you.

I need about $1000.

Uncle Tony, I, I don't, I don't have any money to give you.

Come on. When do I ask you for things? You know?

-Tony, this is not a good time for me, man. -Not until this is a danger.

-I'm not trying to be all extra and emotional or whatever. -I think...

-I just-- -I think I need-- I'm gonna need about 1000 from you.

Please. All right?

[sighs, mutters]

Nice. All right.

That's what the fuck I'm talkin' about.

All right, listen. Nephew, I want to thank you so much.

I will not forget what you did here today, all right?

-You know? -Of course.

All right? You fuckin' little Mudblood. [chuckles]

I'm not gay, by the way.

You never saw me, Mulatto. Let's go. Ahem.

-[T Man] Bye, Uncle Tony. -[Tony] All right, bye.

[both] Bye, Candelabra!

-Bye. [gasps] -[cloth rips]

-Damn. There they are. -Damn!

-Oh, no. My dress. -Here you go.

-[chuckles] This is crazy. -[T Man] Damn. Fuck that nail.

That shit happened to me earlier.

I'll fix that shit for you.

-Really? -Yeah. No problem.

-I got you. -Thank you.

All right, well, look, since you seem to, uh, be wrapped up over here,

I think I'm gonna go get a slushie. And then I'll just sit in the car

and jerk off for a little bit, wait for you. You know what I'm talkin' about?

And I'll see you in two shakes of a lamb's tail, sweetheart. All right?

-Okay, baby. -Okay, bye. God damn. My goodness.

-You're a lifesaver. -Easy call.

[woman vocalizing]

Thanks a million. It's as good as new.

Like nothing ever happened.

Hell yeah. Anytime, slime. I got you.

Bye, guys.

[both] Bye, Candelabra!

[man breathing heavily]

[man 1] Two minutes, in and out.

How's the radio?

[man 2] Nothin'.

[man 1] All right, gloves.

[man 2 strains] Fuck.

It's fine. It's fine.

Just get another one.

Remember, 240 seconds.

Front door to the teller, back out.

No bills from the bottom. No dye packs.

Anybody fucks with you, you shoot 'em.

[man 2] Why the fuck did you borrow that money from Frankie

and gamble it away? He's gonna fucking kill us.

Now's not the time, you understand me?

One minute.

[suspenseful music]

There he is.

Masks.

-[man 1 exhales] -[man 2 breathes heavily]

[man 1] Fucking go time.

[gun cocks]

[gun cocking]

[man 1] Everybody on the ground!

-[people clamoring] -[man 1] Move!

Don't you do it! Don't you fucking do it!

-[gunshot] -[woman screams]

[rap music]

♪ Yo ♪

♪ Unh ♪

♪ Yo ♪

♪ Unh ♪

♪ Yo ♪

♪ Unh ♪

♪ Yo ♪

♪ Unh ♪

♪ Yo ♪

♪ Unh ♪

♪ Yo ♪

♪ Unh ♪

♪ Yo ♪

♪ Unh ♪

♪ Yo... ♪

Man.

Police done killed another Black man.

Can't walk, can't drive.

Can't even send our kids to school

without wonderin' if we gonna see 'em again, Coop.

Fuck the police, man.

Yeah, man, I saw that shit today. It really fucked me up.

-Nah, nigga, Fuck every last one of them niggas. -What?

I mean, not all cops are bad, bro, you know?

-Nigga, what kind of half-breed All Lives Matter shit is that? -What the--

Why you gotta say shit like that?

I'm, I'm just simply sayin' not all cops, uh,

you know, just wanna kill brothers.

I think there are some police officers

who genuinely wanna protect and serve.

That's all I'm saying.

Nigga, if you got one dirty cop

sittin' at a table with nine wholehearted police officers,

news flash, Coop,

you got ten dirty cops sittin' at the table,

eatin' fuckin' donuts and shit, my nigga.

Look, I'm just sayin',

what type of self-respecting human being

judges another solely off the color of their skin, my nigga?

What type of shit is that?

[man] Excuse me.

Hip-hop's in the back, nigga.

-What the-- -Anyway...

I'm sorry about that, sir.

Uh, welcome to Paradise. How can I help you?

Yeah, I'm looking for the hip-hop section.

Yeah, it's right-- It's just right there in the back.

-All righty. -Okay, thank you.

-Exactly, nigga. -What the fuck is wrong with you, bro?

-What? -What do you mean, "what"?

You say all that shit that you just said

and then you tell a Black man who walked into the store,

didn't even open his mouth to ask a question.

You tell him hip-hop's in the back?

That's racist.

[chuckles] Nigga,

first of all, I'm Black, fool.

You forgot? I can't be racist, Coop.

And second, nigga, why the hell

is the hip-hop section all the way in the back, nigga?

That's some Rosa Parks-ass shit, nigga.

Your half-white side is creepin' out a little bit

-on that one. -Shut the fuck up.

And, third, my nigga,

what I said wasn't racist, fool.

It was prejudice.

Mike Hawk has entered.

Cooper, let's have a talk in my new office.

Fuck a arcade. I don't wanna work for a white man.

You already do.

-Oh, my God. -Tremaine, just chill out, okay?

I'll be back in a second.

I don't get why it is so hard for you to let go of this.

What do you mean? Why do you say it like that?

This is awesome. I love this place, man, you know?

And... I mean, how would you feel

if you had to get rid of your business?

It wouldn't happen.

Well, you know, I really care about these people, man.

I don't know about you and how you feel and...

But I-- These people are... my family, man.

Look, I'll keep 'em on board.

I, I know. We talked about it. I appreciate it.

Till they fuck up, and then I'll fire 'em. Okay?

I mean, that one guy, for sure getting fired quick.

[chuckles] I just don't think he can hack it.

But the rest of 'em will have a fair shake.

Look, are we gonna do this?

Hey. Do we have a deal?

Okay. It's a deal.

Say it.

What?

Say it all.

I have a deal with Mike. Yes.

Say my full name.

I... have a deal with Mike Hawk.

-Attaboy. Huh? -Ow.

Why don't you tell that nice girl you love her, right?

"I love you with all-a my heart."

-[chuckles] -You know, they're so cliché, you know?

"If you don't call me again,

I'm-a, I'm gonna die."

You're a fucking wise guy

quoting lines from The Godfathers.

Cliché. I, I have too much, you know?

-What was your favorite part? -I'm too self-aware to do that.

-What are you saying? -What was my favorite part? I don't like the movie.

-You didn't like the movie? You really serious? -I don't like,

-I don't like The God-- -Are you serious?

Hey, I don't like The Godfather.Boom.

You know what I mean? Someone comes out

of the fucking corner

and whacks me out.

[mumbles] It's The Godfather.

-Yeah, I'm not into it, man. -[coughs]

You know, it's just some stupid shit in that movie.

Like the... She-- He wakes up

next to the fuckin' horse's head.

-Yeah. -Ah, bullshit.

Come on. You ever heard of that happening?

-No. Of course not. You don't-- -That, uh, that happened to me.

You know how hard it is to kill a horse?

How do you get the horse to stand still?

And then, and then what? You, you-- What do you--

Will you take a chainsaw?

You can't just chop a horse's head off.

-No, of course not. -Nah, that's not how it works.

-There's a lot of, there's a lot of bones. -Right. So,

-why not something simpler? Like a dog. -Lot of, lot of gristle.

-A dog head-- Okay, give me one second. -Sir, can I help you?

A pig, right? Or a dog or a cat.

Or you know what? A lizard. Like a fuckin'-- Ooh, a chameleon.

-[man] Rewrite the whole script. -Googly-eyed chameleon. They're...

-[with accent] "This committee owes an apology." -Stop doing that.

-"This committee owes an apology." -[Cooper stutters]

Hollywood is bull-- A bunch of pedophiles. Yeah.

I don't mean to interrupt you. I'm sorry. Can I,

can I help, help you?

-How you doin'? -[Cooper] Hi.

We are looking for, uh, uh--

-What's the name? Uh, Cooper. -Cooper.

Uh, I'm-- That's m-- Uh, I'm Cooper.

Yeah. How you doin', Cooper? We know.

Wait. Then why did you just ask me?

-It's, it's formality. -Right.

-What? What do you mean? -[man 1 chuckles]

-Why did you ask me? -Formality.

-[Cooper] Excuse me? -Formality.

Okay. Well, uh, anyway, what's up?

Your uncle is a cocksucking motherfucker,

piece of shit, rat fuck, bastard cunt, little rat cunt.

-You understand me? -I know.

Let me tell you what about your uncle, okay?

He's a public embarrassment.

He hangs around our crew,

he acts like he's one of us. He was never sworn in.

You know why? He's half Hungarian Jew.

You're not allowed to be in this fucking group if you're a fuckin'--

He's a fuckin' Hungarian Jew.

-[Cooper] Wait. Sw-- sworn into what? -[spits]

[man 2] We don't fuck with those kinds of people.

-What, Jews? -[man 2] That's correct.

-What are you, Kanye West? -[man 2] Listen to me now.

If you can't put two and two together, we can't help you

put four, five, six, or seven together.

Can I help you? I don't get it. What the fuck? Uh...

Your Uncle Tony owes us, uh, quite a bit of money.

He made a fuck-up, you see?

He owes us 5G hard.

-He fucked up. Yeah. -Oh. You're the guys.

-[man 1] Five hard G's. -[man 2] Oh, he told you about us, huh?

We can't find the motherfucker. Right?

-You reached out to him on Snapchat, right? -Yeah. Is he here? Is he here?

Um, he came in here earlier, being himself,

and, uh, told me that he was, you know,

going through some things and he needed... some money.

I gave him money to give you guys.

So, I don't understand what's happening.

-Oh! -Uh, really? How much?

$1000 to help pay you guys back.

I, I didn't realize...

Listen to me. He owes us 5G hard.

How we gonna get that money? I'll tell you how we gonna get that money.

We're gonna make sure you give it to us.

-Let's cut to the fuck-- Let's cut the bullshit. -You what--

We're gonna come back in a few hours.

-[Cooper] For what? -For the fucking 5G.

-[Cooper] From who? From who? I-- -From you, motherfucker.

-And if you don't have the shit... -Ooh.

...we're gonna break every toe on your body.

[man 1] Yeah. Yeah, that's right.

Every one of your toes will be broken.

Yo, hold up. We don't fuckin' play that shit at Paradise.

What y'all think, we some fuckin' moolies or somethin'?

-What's that?, huh? -How about that?

[man 1] Ah, keep talkin'.

-[whistling] -Walk away.

-[man 2] Yeah. -Listen, I, I'm sorry.

I, I don't have the money. I literally don't have the--

-I mean, you could fuckin' open this shit right now. -[beeping]

-There's just nothin' in there. -[man 2] You know how many men I mutilated?

[man 1] That's...

He don't-- Tell him how many men I mutilated.

-We have crucified people. -Mm-hm.

Excuse me?

-Like, like Jesus? -[man 1 sighs]

-Exactly. Exactly like that. -That's our calling card.

-We crucify. It's a thing we do. -Like, exac-- Like, exactly like that.

-Last week, I crucified a Guatemalan grocer. -[sucks air]

-Whoa. -[man 2] I crucified his ass

and threw a fuckin' honeydew melon at his face.

I was there. [chuckles] I was there.

-It was pretty funny, actually. [chuckles] -[man 2] Yeah, yeah.

-Let's get the fuck... -You...

-We'll be back. -We'll be back in a-- Like,

four and a-- Four hours and a--

Four, four and a half hours. Give us--

Give us some time, all right?

Ooh.

Yellow. That's, that's the g-- good color.

-It said $6. -[man 2] Shove it up your ass.

Let's get this over with, shall we?

I got a date with a lady I met on Ashley Madison.

Are you married?

-You see a fuckin' ring? -No. You don't--

[indistinct chatter] ...time.

Look, hold on. It looks--

Whatever you guys are doing,

could you just do me a favor

-and do it outside? -[sighs] God.

Please. I'm sorry. I'm not trying to sound rude.

There's a lot goin' on, okay? Thank you. Fuck.

-Anyway... -I left my phone in the car.

-I'll be right back. -What? Oh, my God.

Did he say his name was "My Cock"?

-Yo, Slaydro. -Hey, man, it's me.

What about the ankle bracelet?

It's not there no more.

Oh, my God. You just busted it open.

Yeah. I was supposed to turn it back in to them,

like six weeks ago, but I got super stoned, so I forgot.

-Yeah. -You thought you were on house arrest this whole time

-and you're not? -[laughing]

That is the most Slaydro shit

I think I've ever heard, actually.

T Man and I are gonna go watch a movie

with the aid of these puppies.

-It's nice. Noice. -Bro, what the fuck?

I thought they were gummies, Slay.

[Slaydro] What are you talking about? I got Grandma's finest recipe.

I did eat half of them on the way here.

And I'm not gonna lie, I don't remember how I got here.

Well, I guess I'm driving, fool.

Yeah, and one of these has a butt ton of acid in it.

It's a Russian roulette, baby.

-Hey, what's up, Coop? -Do you wanna play?

Oh, shit. What's up, girl? How you doin'?

Nigga, what the fuck? We just talked about this.

-What do you mean? -Do I look like your homegirl right now?

[Cooper] I call you one thing, you get upset.

I call you another thing, you're upset.

I'm with it. I'm with the pronouns.

I'm with the they, the thems, the anything.

Whatever you want, that's what I'll do.

-Why are you making it difficult? -It's pretty simple.

When I'm bald-headed, you can call me bro.

But when I have a gorgeous, sickening wig on,

I'm your homegirl.

-That's actually extremely simple. -You're welcome.

I thought you had that, uh, your private gig or whatever.

-[sighs] It got canceled. -What?

You got Kevin Spacey-ed? What did you do?

It's a long story. I need to drink it out, to be honest.

-You wanna go have one? -There's a lot going on.

Just let me finish closing up and then we'll do that.

Cool. Take your time. I'm gonna go take a shit.

Okay. It's a little bit of a TMI.

Enjoy that turd out of your asshole.

-Oh, hey. Hi. -Hi. [chuckles]

-Just that? -Yeah.

You know, you've been in here a pretty long, long time.

All throughout the day, and this is all you, all you got?

Yeah, I didn't really find anything I want.

Hm. Okay.

Okay, it's... um, a dollar, right?

-Sorry. -Yeah. Whoa. What the-- Where did this--

-Smells like your perfume. -Ew.

Oh, wait, no. I'm not trying to smell your tits.

Oh, shit, nigga. Look at this shit.

A standoff between police officers

and two wanted bank robbers is ongoing

-as they flee through the city. -[sirens blaring]

-[officer] Everybody get down! Get down! -[man] Fuck!

-[woman] Oh, my God.[screams] Oh, my God. -[officer] Hey! Drop the weapon!

Bro, that shit's happenin' a block over, Coop.

-Right. Uh... -Okay. Thank you.

-Shit. -I told you that bitch was stealin'!

-Nigga, get her ass! -Oh, my God! What the--

-Fuck! Fuck! -[gunshot]

[officer] Put the weapon down!

-[all shouting] -[screaming]

[Tables] You guys! T Man!

[man 1] Back the fuck up! Back up! Fuck!

-Get out! -[man 1] Shut the door.

-Please don't! No! T Man! -No! Coop!

-[man 1] Hey, take a walk, Frodo. Get the fuck back! -[man 2] Don't fucking

-look at me! Shut the fuck up! -[Melanie] Okay.

All right, everybody, back up. Back the fuck up!

You heard him! Back the fuck up!

Just do what he says!

I need keys. Who's got the fucking keys?

-Who's got the keys? -[man 2] Give him the fucking keys!

-I got 'em. I got 'em. They're right here. Please. -[man 1] Come on. Come on.

-Give him the fucking keys! Give it to him! -Get the fuck over here!

-No, get the fuck-- Do you want some of this? You want some? -[screaming]

-Move! -Okay. All right.

Watch them!

Lock the fuckin' door. Lock it.

-Pick 'em up, fucker! -All right. Okay. I'm sorry.

[man 1] Calm the fuck down. Let's do this.

-Make it slow, okay? -All right. Okay. Yes, sir.

Don't do anything stupid

or your fucking head's gone.

-Okay. Okay. -Right? And hey!

Hey! hey!

What the fuck is that? Somebody's gonna get hurt.

-Get the fuck back. -[groans]

Get the fuck back!

[sirens blaring in distance]

-He's stoned. Come on. -[man 2] I'll fuck you up!

-[Cooper] Slaydro, please. -What the fuck is going on with this guy?

[T Man] He's on shrooms, dog.

-Where's the other exit? -It's just the one door.

All right, that's a serious safety hazard.

-All right, where's the pisser? -It's, uh, it's,

-it's through this door and down the hallway. -[man 1] Everybody sit down.

-[man 2] Sit the fuck down! -[man 1] Hey, hey. Why, why are you yelling?

-I'm not yelling. -No, you are yelling.

-No, you're yelling. You're yelling. -No, my ears--

-My ear's yelling. -My ears are ringing.

Don't do that. That can hurt yourself.

Pisser's back there. Watch them.

-I got 'em. -You hear me? And, hey, just, just relax.

-You're doing good. -I'm doing great.

Shut the fuck up!

These 40x seats are great. I can feel his spit.

Shut the fuck up! Don't even fucking move!

Aces, what is wrong with you?

They won't fucking listen, Daryl.

Jesus Christ on a cracker.

Everybody up, now.

Get the fuck up! Let's go, please.

I want you over there. Check the door. Come on. Come on.

Let's go. Come on. There you go.

Everybody get comfy.

All right, sit down!

[man 2] Sit the fuck down!

Hey. "Daryl"? Really? You used my real name?

-What did I say about using a code name? -Well, they don't fuckin' know.

Maybe "Daryl" was a code name.

Those motherfuckers caught me outside.

They used me as a human shield. They dragged me in here,

and now I'm with you motherfuckers.

I don't know what the fuck's going on.

-Are you okay? -Yeah, I'm okay. Oh, fuck.

Are we all good? Is everybody good?

Hell no. We ain't good, nigga.

-[Daryl] Oh, it's still good? -Yeah, it's still good! Yeah!

Still good? Bobby Grundlesmith of 503 Milkwater-fuckin' Way.

-You asshole. -What the fuck, dude?

Why the fuck would you give away my address?

I mean, this guy's address. Bobby's.

I'm not Bobby, by the way.

You fuckin' idiot. What is wrong with you?

I'm gonna make you go sit over there with them.

-I'm gonna make you sit over there with them. -Jesus Christ.

-[Bobby] I'll fucking do it! -You can tell these actors are trained.

They know how to hold the gun. They're really good.

-Don't you fuck-- No! No! No! -[Daryl] You want some of this? You want some of this?

-Stop! Don't fucking do it! -This is 'cause my sister dropped you

-on your fucking head! -Don't you bring my mother into this!

The Coen brothers know what they're doing.

They cast good people.

You think we're in a fuckin' movie?

-This is happening. -Huh?

[whispering] This is happening right now.

I know. This movie is an experience.

-You point that fucking gun at me again... -No, no!

...I will fucking kill you. You hear?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do it.

Okay? We understand each other?

-Yeah. -Okay. Okay, you know what?

You're a good boy. You're doing good.

You're making Mom proud, okay?

-Whole family's proud of you. -Okay.

Now, listen. You ready? You okay? You good?

I'm gonna go in the pisser and take care of some shit.

You watch these morons. All right?

You're doing good. All right?

[kisses] Come on.

Come on. Yeah. Good. Yeah.

You fucking got 'em. Now put your gun up on him. Good.

Good. Hey, listen, I'm going to the bathroom.

Anybody fuckin' moves,

my boy here is gonna start capping motherfuckers.

Ain't that right? Let me see the fucking war face. Let me see it.

-You're an animal. Yeah! -[huffs]

-Yeah! Fuck, yeah! -[squeaking]

-Slaydro, what the fuck are you doing? -[Daryl] Give me that. Yeah!

Not an elephant. A tiger. More of a tiger. Lion.

[Bobby squealing]

-That'll work. Good. -[breathing heavily]

[high-pitched squealing] Nobody fucking move!

Nobody fucking move!

-[farts] -[water splashes]

[both screaming]

Fuck! Flush the toilet!

Flush the toilet, for Christ's sake.

Flush it. Come on out of here.

Jesus, what did you eat?

-Get the fuck in there. Go! -Don't shoot!

-Go now! -Don't shoot your load.

Sit down!

Found a fucking straggler taking a shit.

What is this? I thought this was Oregon, huh?

Why does it look like a fucking Kathleen Kennedy movie in here?

Look, sir, I just don't--

Look, I, I'm not-- It--

I don't know what you're expecting to happen here.

-What I think's gonna happen? You wanna be the hero? -No. What? No.

-Huh? Is that who you are? -No. No, sir.

Huh? You think this is part of the hero's journey

where something crazy happens

-and you gotta figure it out? -No. No.

All right, then sit down and shut the fuck up.

Okay, yeah. [murmurs]

Fuckin' Scooby-Doo gang.

[Slaydro mimics Scooby-Doo laughing]

That's the Scooby laugh.

I'll be back.

Not me. Them.

-I'm sorry. -[Tajh whimpers]

-[Daryl] Fuckin' idiots. -Just chill.

-Uh, we are chill. You chill. -Don't tell me to chill.

-You chill. -Everyone chill.

Just chill like Arnold Schwarzenegger

in that one Batmanmovie.

Did this white nigga just say the N-word?

I didn't say the N-word.

Is this a Tarantino movie?

It's not a Tarantino movie! I didn't say the N-word!

You just said "Arnold Schwartz a nigga."

-Everyone heard that, right? -[Bobby] I didn't say that!

You can't say that! You're white.

-I'm Black. -You're white!

Uh, uh, actually, my d-- my dad's Black. I'm half--

It doesn't count. You look white as shit.

-What? -You heard me.

You look white as shit.

But, sir, you're the one in blackface

saying that he can't say the word "nigga."

I didn't say the N-word. I'm not getting canceled for shit!

Why are we talking about this right now? I'm--

-Say you're white. -What? No.

-Say you're white. -All right, fine. I'm white.

Not you. The white guy.

Say it, fucker!

I'm white.

[sighs]

Fuck! That was some fucking shit.

[faucet running]

Stupid!

We're good. We're good. We're not going back, D.

No, no, no. D-Dog, he ain't going back. D-Dog.

[barks, laughs] Okay.

[scoffs]

Fuckin' idiot.

Yeah, that could work.

-[grunts] -[siren wailing in distance]

[sirens blaring]

[tense music]

-[grunts softly] -[sirens stop]

His knees are bruised. Do you think he sucks dick?

[siren wailing in distance]

[clattering]

You've had a hell of a day, huh? You need a hug?

-This is fucked, bro. -It really is.

I would know a thing or two about fucking bros.

[sirens continue]

Oh, shit. The cops. They brought backup.

-They brought backup, Coop. -What? What?

Why are you excited about that?

Earlier you was like, "Oh, yeah, nigga. Fuck all police.

Nigga, fuck every single last one of 'em."

Yeah, not when they comin' to help me, nigga.

[sighs] Okay. Everybody, listen up.

Now-- What are you doing? What are you, fucking reading?

Put that shit down.

Now, listen.

What? What are y'all looking at?

[whispering] Daryl. Your mask.

Ah, fuck.

Fuck! Come here.

-Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop! -Give it, give it, give it to me.

-Don't fucking touch. [stutters] -Give it. Fuck it. Take it off!

-Take it off! -Don't fucking touch me!

-Oh, my God. -Uh, damn it! Damn it! Damn it!

What the fuck?

Ow! Fuck! My fucking knee!

-Jesus Christ. -You fuckin' asshole!

-[Daryl] Here. -Why the fuck would you do that?

[Daryl] Why the fuck wouldn't you wear a belt? Christ's sake.

-Here. -I left it in the fucking car, you fucking prick!

Pull your pants up, for Christ's sake.

We can still see you.

-Everybody-- -[Bobby] You didn't have to fucking do that, old man!

-Fucking douche. -Relax. Okay.

Now, we've all had a very trying day.

I think we all got off on the wrong foot.

Hard day? Like my fuckin' hard dick!

You should start sucking, motherfucker!

-[whispering] He's wearing a wig. -[Bobby] It's not a wig!

You have to forgive my friend.

He's stupid and cuts his own hair.

Don't fucking bring my hair into this, dude.

Okay. Everybody, we're gonna get along just fine.

Just want everybody to relax, okay?

Uh, you know, it's really kind of hard to relax

when you're waving that gun in our faces.

-[Daryl] You know, that's a good point. -[Celeste gasps]

I, I really don't intend to kill anyone, okay? [chuckles]

I mean, I will, but I'd rather not.

And I'm not gonna do shit. I'm a fucking vegetarian.

Which has nothing to do with anything.

You see this fucking shit?

There's a lot of fucking cops

out there, Daryl.

[Daryl] Yeah, maybe they're vegetarians too, stupid.

-[Bobby] What did you say about my fucking hair? -Just come on.

[Bobby] Stop talking about it.

-[Daryl] Come with me. -Fuck. [sighs]

-For Christ's sake. Where's your fuckin' belt? -Stop!

-Get a belt. -Stop fucking touching me, you fucking old man!

-[upbeat music playing] -[sirens blaring]

All right, listen up, fellas.

This ain't no tampon commercial,

so I need you to sack up, okay?

I want to get those people out safe,

and I wanna do it clean.

I want you to take this very seriously, all right?

Very seriously.

[indistinct radio chatter]

Now, there's two points of access.

The main entrance,

and then there's a ventilation duct up on the roof.

I want a team up on the roof, okay?

And I want another team out back, okay?

Now, if this fight happens to take us in the front,

this is our point of entry, right here.

This is the angle we come in from, all right?

Pssh, pffh! Pssh, pssh!

Pffh, pffh! Prfff!

Gibbs.

[indistinct radio chatter]

Fuck is Gibbs?

-Johnson. -Yes, Chief?

-Fuck is Gibbs? -I don't know, sir.

-I think he's tied up right now. -Tied up?

Yeah. Girl, you know, I've been shot at.

Just comes with the territory.

So, uh, what are you doing

after this whole hostage situation thing?

[Watson] Gibbs, where the fuck are you?

Uh, Chief, sir, I was just checkin', uh...

Just checkin' the perimeter, sir.

I don't give a shit what you're checkin'.

I need eyes on these assholes.

Now, there's a ventilation shaft.

I need you in it. It's a tight spot,

-so suit up. -[radio beeps]

Sir, yes, sir.

[chuckles]

You know, I know a thing or two about tight spaces.

Huh? Huh?

It's all right.

Fuck, cock, shit. This is fuckin' intense.

Coen brothers are amazing.

I mean, just look at these Hawk V-Lite

anamorphic J.J. Abrams' lenses.

[man] Slate!

[slow, distorted voices]

[T Man] Nah, nigga, this shit is real as fuck.

These white niggas got fucking guns.

We're about to fuckin' die, Slay.

Stop fuckin' playing.

[phone ringing]

[whispering] Get the fucking phone.

[sighs, whispering] Fuck, I can't do this.

-Owner, come here. -It's, it's Cooper.

I don't give a shit. Get your ass up here.

-[phone continues ringing] -What?

Get up here and answer the phone.

Okay. Shit.

Pick up the fucking phone!

All, all right.

Answer the fucking phone.

Okay. All right.

Pick it up.

-Hello? -[Watson] Now, listen.

It's the cops.

You need to let these people go, all right?

What? No, no. I'm, I'm one of the people.

Oh. Well-- Jesus Christ.

Let me speak to whoever's in charge.

Okay.

He wants to talk to whoever's in charge.

And, and who do you think that is? It-- It's not--

-Stop! Stop! Hello! Hello! -Give me the...

-Hey, careful, okay? This is-- It means a lot to me. -...fucking phone!

-Get back. -All right. Okay.

You get back.

-Yeah? -This is Chief Watson, BPD.

Now, look, you can get out of this, but--

[Daryl] Hey, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You, you listen to me, pig.

All right? I'm, I'm running the fuckin' show now.

No, no, of course, of course you're running the show.

I, I, I just-- Uh, wh-- what's your name?

My, my name? Why?

I mean, I'd like to have a conversation with you.

You know, uh, how am I gonna have a conversation

unless I know your name?

-Uh, all right, fine. It's-- -Let me get one.

Fuck off. Fuck off. Fuck off.

Daryl. The name's Daryl.

-I got my boy Bobby here, who's gonna start fucking... -What the fuck?

-Don't say my name. -...shooting people

if, say, anything happens to me.

You got that? Huh?

-Those cookies? -No, no, no, no, Daryl.

Uh, nothing's gonna happen, all right? I don't want that. You don't want that.

-Nobody wants that. -Oh, yeah. Sure you don't fucking want that.

-My blood sugar's acting up. Let me get a cookie. -You piece of shit!

-I'm on the fucking phone. Watch him. -Let me get a fucking cookie.

He's gonna hit you.

[Cooper whispering] I'm not gonna hit you.

[Daryl] Now, what you want is me dead

and everybody out of here, right?

Well, uh, Daryl, uh, now that you mention it,

how many people we talking about in there?

-I don't fuckin' know. Eight, nine. -Let me get a fucking cookie.

Hold on a second, cop.

-What the fuck? -I'm gonna fucking kill you.

I'm fuckin' talking to someone. It's very important.

-All right? -Yeah.

Get him back down there.

Move, white boy!

Yo.

-This motherfucker's eating the cookies. -No way.

Yeah. He's eating 'em right now.

Can y'all speak up a little bit?

A nigger needs to know what's goin' on.

Gibbs in position?

He's in the vent, Chief.

[Daryl] I think I'd like to just stay in here, die in here.

-How's that? -What'd he say? What'd he say?

I've got five hostages.

Two suspects.

Tell him we want some pizza.

-Armed. -Gibbs is in position.

Well, what do you want, Daryl?

I don't fuckin' know. Haven't thought that far ahead.

[pats on back] What'd he say?

[exhales]

I have a shot.

[whispering] He has a shot.

All right, listen. Daryl, you gotta give me one, all right?

Just, just, just give me one, okay?

As a show of good faith.

-What? Good faith? -Yeah, good faith.

There's gotta be some level of trust here, Daryl.

Le-- level of trust?

How about you suck a bag of dicks?

How about that? There's your, your level of trust.

-What did he say? -I told him to suck a bag of dicks.

[exhales]

-[shrieks] -[gunshots]

[all screaming]

-Shots fired! -Oh, my God!

-[yelling] -[Bobby] What the fuck?

You just shot a fucking cop!

[yelling]

[all screaming]

What is it? They gonna Tupac me?

They Tu-- Why-- What the fuck is that?

-What's that? What the fuck is that? -[all screaming]

Oh, no! Don't do it, nigga! No, nigga! No!

-No, no, no! Oh, shit! -[grunts]

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Everybody shut the fuck up!

-[Celeste and Cooper yell] -My fuckin' asthma!

-[Daryl] Where's your inhaler? -[Bobby] I don't know where the fucking inhaler is!

I left it in the car!

[Daryl] Well, whose fault is that?

I don't fucking know!

[Daryl] Okay, okay. Hey, hey, hey, hey.

-[shrieking] -[Daryl] Hey, hey, hey.

All right, come on. Hey.

All right. Hey. Hey.

Just, just get it together, all right?

-[unintelligible] -[Daryl] Come on. Take your jacket off. Come on.

I'm not grabbing his fucking foot!

Then grab his ankle. I don't give a fuck.

-Fuck, dude! -[Daryl] Come on.

-Oh. -[Bobby] Oh, God! I'm gonna fucking puke!

-[Daryl] Ugh. -[Bobby] I'm gonna fucking puke, dude.

Robert Hall, Fux 5, back with you here,

where a small crowd of people and one Black man

have gathered outside of Paradise Records,

where we know that two armed gunmen

have taken some hostages.

Uh, not sure of the, the status of said hostages,

but, uh, I believe, uh, here, sir,

uh, uh, a racially ambiguous police officer, uh, Johnson, it looks like.

Could you tell us more about what took place in here tonight?

[Johnson] We have a very volatile situation in-- right now in downtown Bend.

Uh, we have two gunmen, and they've taken hostages and...

[soft music]

[whimpering]

[Gibbs gulping]

[Cooper] Slaydro, what the fuck are you doing, man?

Well, morphine hits the bloodstream immediately.

[phone ringing]

That's your sign of good faith, motherfucker?

I heard a gunshot, Daryl. Is anybody hurt?

Yes, somebody's hurt. Somebody got shot.

Well, who the fuck got shot, Daryl?

The fucking ninja you sent in here to kill me.

You fucking shot the officer?

Ah, no, no, no. I didn't shoot that asshole.

He blew his foot off when he fell through the fucking vent.

I guess pigs really can fly.

-Well, is he okay? -Oh, no. Yeah, he's great.

He gets half price on fuckin' shoes now.

He blew his foot off!

Oh, Jesus Christ.

You're gonna have to send him out, Daryl.

Fuck you and fuck that!

Now, look, you haven't done anything fucking stupid yet.

But if he bleeds out and he dies, that's on you.

You understand?

All right, fine.

But you listen to me, all right?

I swear to God, if there's any funny business,

everybody in here is fucking dead.

-[receiver slams] -[crying]

What did they say, Daryl?

I'm here with a, a witness to the events tonight.

-Sir, what exactly did you see? -I mean, man, you know what I'm saying?

I ain't no witness, but, uh, these two crazy-ass, goofy-ass white boys, man,

they robbed some shit. You know what I'm saying?

They dropped some money and shit, man, you know?

I ain't trying to snitch on the niggas, you know? Nothing like that.

JJ, that's quite a bit of money

-you have in your hand there. -Yeah, yeah.

Have you ever held that much money before?

What? What the f-- What the-- Come on, man.

Do I look like I need-- I don't even need this shit, bro.

You know what I'm sayin'? Nigga, look here, man. I got a motherfucking

switch on me, man. I'll fucking--

Man, you better be glad we're on TV, nigga.

You know what I'm saying? But I don't need this--

[Bobby breathing heavily]

What the fuck are we gonna do now, Daryl?

-They want the cop. -[T Man] What?

He came here to fuckin' save us,

and now they're gonna let his ass go?

What type of shit is that?

Damn. Plot twist.

Look, just, just let my people go.

[Daryl] "Let my people go"?

What are you, fucking Charlton Heston?

You son of a fucking cock balls. Come on, man.

[Daryl] Lady, with the language!

You kiss your mother with that mouth?

What do you think's gonna happen here, man?

Shut the fuck up.

You gotta see how crazy this is.

[exhales, chuckles] I see what's happening here.

I give you fucking people an inch, you take a mile.

I told you to chill. You couldn't do that.

'Cause you think Daryl's playing, don't you?

Well, maybe now I'll show you that I'm not playing.

Daryl, stop. Please fucking stop, Daryl.

It's too fucking far.

Please stop! Daryl!

Just shut the fuck up, Bobby.

-Deal. -[shrieking] Fuck!

[phone ringing]

-What? -Are you sending him out?

Don't fuckin' rush me, pig.

Bobby, bring the cop.

-Uh, up we go. Let's go, Hopalong. -[Gibbs groaning]

Okay. Come on.

-[Gibbs humming] -[both straining]

Now, what the fuck we gonna do to get out of this shit?

I'll do whatever it takes. [mouth pops]

Nah, fuck that shit. We should fucking rush these niggas or something.

Listen, I think we just gotta stay patient.

Be patient? What the fuck?

We just gonna sit here and fucking wait to die?

If I was watching a movie about us right now with Slaydro

in the fuckin' movie theater, I'd be, like, "Run, nigga, run!

Run, nigga! Forrest Gump run, nigga!

Go, go, nigga! Fuck Jenny, nigga!

Fuck that bitch and the nigga in the wheelchair."

[sultry guitar instrumental]

Holy shit.

Whoa. Who's that?

Is that who I think it is?

-He's good-looking. -Son of a bitch.

-Go. -I'm on it.

Whoa, whoa. What the fuck are you doing here?

After what happened last time, you can't be on this scene.

Chief wants you gone.

Hold these.

Goddamn negotiator.

[overhead bell ringing]

What the fuck? Hey, hey, hey!

Slow down, motherfucker. Who are you?

I'm the negotiator. I'm here to talk to you.

No, no, no. I was talking to the other prick.

Well, now--

You, you fucking back off.

Now you're talking to me, okay?

[chuckles] I'm not talking to you. What the fuck?

Now, back the fuck off or I will shoot you.

You're not gonna shoot me, Daryl.

-Stop walkin'. -You gonna shoot me?

I will shoot you right in the fuckin' head.

[slow, distorted] You and I both know...

...that you are not gonna shoot me.

[indistinct chatter, laughter]

Clowns!

[laughing distortedly]

[distorted] You're not gonna shoot me, Daryl.

[distorted] I'm gonna fucking kill you.

I said fucking shoot me!

-Do it! -What?

[normal] That sounds good to me.

-What? -No, I do.

I would really like to die today.

You serious?

♪ I don't wanna be alive ♪

♪ I just wanna die today ♪

I will shoot you. I will shoot you right in the fuckin' face.

Don't miss. Can you hit me from there?

-Huh? -How the fuck did you get over there?

-Come on. -Huh?

Do you wanna do it?

-I thought I was taller. -Get some balls.

I'll do it.

Stick a soldering iron right up my ass.

Don't hit the watch. Whoa!

-You and I both know that you are not gonna shoot-- -[gunshot]

-[gasps] -Oh, my God!

Is he okay?

[thuds]

God bless you.

[sobs]

You just shot a fucking cop! What the fuck happened?

They're fucking after me, Bobby. They're after me. They won't--

-What the fuck are you talking about? -They're after me!

-They're all after me! Oh, it's you. You're after me, are you? -Yo, Coop.

On my mark, we're jumping these niggas.

You, you've been with them all along.

-You were always in bed with them. -Whoa, whoa, whoa! Daryl!

Put the fucking gun down, Daryl!

You are, you are in it.

You know what? It's fuckin' end of the line.

It's fuckin' end of the line, man.

I'm telling you, everybody's gonna die.

I'm not gonna let you do it!

You always wanted to kill me, haven't you?

[chuckles] Do it, Bobby. Go on. Do it.

-Put the gun down, Daryl! -[Daryl] Uh, you wanna fuckin' shoot me? Huh?

-Is that what you want? -Please put the fucking gun--

-Don't fucking-- -Bitch-ass nigga!

-[thud] -[gunshot]

[groaning]

[gun clatters]

-[squishing] -[grunts]

[groans]

Fuckin' nail.

[thuds]

Shit.

[helicopter whirring]

Damn.

He's not gonna be in the sequel, nigga.

I never hurt anybody.

I didn't.

I promise.

Whoa.

[gasps] I prom...

[indistinct police radio chatter]

You thirsty?

I need a drink.

[Cooper sighs]

Chief, you've had a long, distinguished,

successful career with the BPD.

Tell me, have you ever screwed up this badly?

-Fuck you. -And there you have it.

Make sure you go pick this shit up.

In stores now, mother--

-I can't cuss and shit. Yeah. -So, so,

-would you consider this, uh, Black people music? -What? What?

-What? What? Man, what the-- -[gags]

Uh, we did our best.

-I swear to God we did. Uh-- -Unbelievable. Because I heard

that there is an officer missing a foot and three dead bodies.

So, would you consider that a win tonight?

Yes, it is. For our chief, it is a win. We'll take that.

Amazing.

I can't believe you fucking killed a dude, Coop.

What? Nigga, we, we killed a dude.

-I didn't kill nobody. -Yes, you did.

And his brains are all over that fuckin' nail.

-Oh. -Holy shit.

That was crazy.

-Look, Mike, are we gonna do this or what? -What? The what?

You know, the, the contract, man.

Let's just go and knock it out.

-No, that's not happening. -What?

Cooper, someone died in there.

No, we're done.

Mike Hawk is pulling out...

...of this deal.

Good luck.

I told you he was a douche.

Uh, uh, gentleman, what, what could you tell us

about what just went down here tonight?

[spits] Man, these fucking guys--

-First of all, this shit was fuckin' lit. -Oh, sir,

-this is live television. -Do you know what I mean?

Fuck yeah, it is, nigga. We motherfucking out here, man.

Shout out Uncle Tony, man.

Shout out to three and a half niggas

that live in motherfuckin' Bend.

Shout out motherfucking Paradise Records

in this bitch. We out here.

It was crazy as fuck. Nigga, let me tell you.

Niggas was jumping off the motherfucking roof. Ah!

Niggas had the guns. Da-da-da-da-da!

Bullets was going through the motherfucking shop and shit.

Hit my favorite record, by the way.

And we was in that bitch motherfucking fighting

for our lives in that motherfucker.

Shit was crazy as fuck. Right, Coop?

Uh, yeah-- Coo-- Cooper Johnson,

-you are the owner of this record store. -Hold on.

And I can't forget the motherfucking blood

that was all on a nigga face.

Shit was splattering everywhere.

I saved a couple bitches lives.

And I had a fucking big-ass toe

that was sitting on the side of my motherfucking face, nigga.

Now, I love toes. I suck toes.

Okay, there. So, anyway, Cooper Johnson,

uh, somewhat of a hero as well here in Bend, Oregon, tonight.

What-- The question on everyone's mind,

what are you gonna do with the cash reward?

-The-- What? -The cash reward

for the capture of the armed assailants, dead or alive.

-Yo. What? -Fuck, yeah, nigga. Shop ain't dead, nigga.

-We turnt up, nigga. Let's go! -Wait, wait. Hold on. Wait, wait, wait, wait,

-wait, wait, wait. Hold on. Wait. Shut up! -[indistinct]

-There's a fuckin' reward? -Yes, sir.

-[giggles] -Yeah.

What, what, what is your plan?

-How much is it? How much is it? -We win.

$14,000.

Fuck!

♪ When I see Those old burning eyes ♪

♪ Well, I know ♪

♪ That I found my closer one ♪

♪ But all I ever wanted Was for you to feel pride ♪

♪ Everybody's telling me I'm losing my mind ♪

♪ And all I ever wanted Was for you to feel calm... ♪

Fuck!

[yells]

Fuck!

Fuck!

[sobbing]

Fuck!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

[laughs] Oh, my...

[rap beat]

♪ If you ain't from my hood You can get from 'round here ♪

♪ If you ain't from my hood You can get from 'round here ♪

♪ If you ain't from my hood You can get from 'round here ♪

♪ If you ain't from my hood You can get from 'round here ♪

♪ I don't know them niggas I don't fuck with them niggas ♪

♪ I don't know them hoes I don't fuck with them hoes ♪

♪ I don't know them niggas I don't fuck with them niggas ♪

♪ I don't know them hoes I don't fuck with them hoes ♪

♪ I know this sucka From the suburbs ♪

♪ Cool with this Other motherfucker ♪

♪ On the outskirts Tried to get Project Pat ♪

♪ Caught up in this shizurb ♪

♪ Since you niggas Still out to get paid ♪

♪ Down for Lucha Libre ♪

♪ Fuck all the bullshit And he say, she say ♪

♪ Those who oppose me Shall get no leeway ♪

♪ Lying on real niggas End up in gunplay ♪

♪ Punk motherfucker, you gonna Hear this and feel me ♪

♪ Smile in my face Really wanna kill me ♪

♪ That's if you had heart To pull the trigga ♪

♪ Catch a murder charge I don't think so, my nigga ♪

-[grunts] -[clinking]

Nailed it.

Finally, nigga. Shit.

Yo, if I had done that any sooner,

we'd probably be dead right now.

-So, there's that. -You right, nigga. Eh.

Remember, everything happens for a reason, Coop.

Speaking of which, I can't-- Fuck.

I can't believe we actually, like, get to keep this place.

-We saved the shop, nigga. -Yes, we did. We did.

We family.

[both] Nigga!

Okay, but just make sure you're here at 9:30.

Don't fucking matter, you still work here.

-9:30? -Yeah, motherfucker.

Nigga, at least 10:00, Coop.

I'm trying to fuckin' turn up tonight, my nigga. Shit.

Nigga, you better turn up on time, okay? All right?

Why, nigga, you so white,

you was born with season tickets to NASCAR, Jeff Gordon.

-[racecar whizzing] -You so Black, you bleed grits, nigga.

Nigga, fuck that. I like grits with a little sugar in it, my nigga.

-At least I don't fuckin' look like Mr. Burns. -[chuckles]

-[crickets chirping] -"Smithers, release the hounds on this Negro."

-[chuckles] You're a fool, man. -[laughs]

-I love you, bro. -I love you too, nigga.

No, nigga, like, I really love you.

-I love you more, nigga. Like Barney love you, you know? -All right.

-Yeah, whatever. All right. -Like, staying in a circle and singing and shit.

-Can you just get the fuck out of here? -All right, nigga. Love you.

-All right. 9:30. -Yeah, whatever, nigga.

I'm serious.

[sighs]

-Oh. What? -You got that money? You got that--

-You got that money? -Hello there.

-Um-- -Cough up that dough.

-You got that money? -Remember, we said

-four and a half hours? -There it is. There it is.

We actually gave you six and a half hours.

Look at it. He got it. He got it.

-Good boy. -Okay. All right.

-All right. -Yes, he did.

Let me ask you a question, kid.

-[Cooper] Hm. -You believe in God?

I mean, I believe in something.

You should believe in God.

Also...

...fuck your mother.

[bells jingle]

[sighs]

[groans]

[inhales]

Oh, fuck.

Mm.

[exhales]

All right.

[birds chirping]

[phone ringing]

[groans]

[exhales]

Paradise.

♪ Welcome to Paradise Records ♪

♪ This is where I'll be When the world ends ♪

♪ Welcome to Paradise Records ♪

♪ Bury me here With all my friends ♪

♪ Welcome to Paradise Records ♪

♪ You know where to find me When I'm dead ♪

Well, elves, hobbits, wizards, nigga. Yoda and them niggas,

all that shit gay as fuck, bro.

-Ooh, how can you say that? -Wait, you gotta-- I'm sorry. Take it back.

Yoda is Star Wars,motherfucker.

Well, he's a hobbit, ain't he?

-[Reed laughs] -No, no.

-Just, just saying. Just saying. -[Reed coughs]

What, are you afraid to get a little buttfucked?

[Cooper] Get a little buttfucked?

-I'm sorry. I just laughed. -[laughing]

Oh, shit, Coop. Oh, shit.

There's this fucking spider on your back, bro.

[laughter]

I got it. I got it. I got it.

[indistinct chatter]

[Cooper] What? Wait. He doesn't talk? You mean, like, like Helen Keller?

No, no, no. He leaves his attic, so it's all good.

-[laughing] Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. -[Logic] Fucking...

-Do it, do it, do it one more time. One more time. -All right.

-[retching] -[Logic] Oh, don't do that. [laughing]

-Eileen, remember that. -[T Man] Little fucker, nigga.

When was you gonna tell us, bro?

-Tell us what? -That our fuckin'--

-Something's going on, and I can't explain it. -[all laughing]

I'm gonna go to the Shaved Kitty

'cause it's happy hour.

Never do business on an empty stomach

-and a full sack. -[chortling]

Grandpa Hawk taught me that.

Sorry!

-Oh, cut. I'm so sorry. -[laughter]

Shit, Coop! I told you that bitch was stealing, nigga!

Let's go get her ass!

-Fuck. -[Slaydro] Get the bitch.

[mimicking Scooby-Doo] Ruh-ro Raggy.

-[Logic] Oh, my God. -[laughter]

I wasn't even supposed to be here today.

-No, I'm just kidding. Okay. -[laughter]

-[man] One for you, Kevin. -Yeah, yeah.

But we ain't got no gun, fool.

-What type of fuckin' fantasy are you livin' in? -I'm, I'm so--

-Oh, I just farted. I'm so sorry, everybody. -[exhales]

Fuck, the roof came down like bam!

Nigga had a bazooka-looking motherfucker. Da-da-da-da-da!

I push Cooper out of the way, save that motherfucker.

-Hit a nigga with the motherfuckin' yo-yo. -[laughter]

-Keep going. Keep going. Keep going. -Hold on.

-Hold on. Let me come in on the "yo-yo" line. -Keep going, nigga. Hurry up.

Don't hit the camera. Don't hit the cameraman.

All right, I got what I need.

-[Logic] He fucked that up. -[laughter]

Eileen!

Lenny. Johnson.

Whatever your fuckin' name is.

[laughter]

Sorry.

I am not selling my vinyl store to Mike Hawk, period.

All right? This is not a Mike Hawk production.

This is not a Mike Hawk business space.

Mike Hawk will own this.

[snickering]

[Cooper] My kid's got a white mom.

Hell, yeah, nigga. I bet she fine as hell too.

[Logic] Give me an alt on that.

Nice, nigga. I bet she thicker

than a Snicker too.

[Logic] Hm. Another one.

Damn, nigga, what she look like, goddamn Peg Bundy?

[laughter]

[Logic] Okay. And give me another one.

God damn, boy, I bet she got good credit too.

[Logic laughing]

-All right, give me another one. -Damn,

she be cooking that broccoli casserole and shit.

Hawk V-Lite, J.J. Abram... [mumbles]

I'll just wait, 'cause people were talking outside.

See, that's a tip for all the actors in here.

-Just blame everyone else for your fuck-ups. Um... -[Logic laughing]

Eh, Eileen!

Please, ple-- J.J. what?

[Logic] Oh, no, his name is J.J. I was just saying

please refer to him as J.J., not Juicy J.

-But you told me "please." -[Logic] Yes, sir.

-Like-- -I said, "Please, use J.J."

Oh, that's the softest shit I've ever heard

a motherfucking director say in my life.

Boy, don't go back to hip-hop, nigga.

[laughter]