Original subtitles

Clean driveway.

"Long Way Up" by Jailhouse

All right.

I've got fire and lightning

Flowing through the insides

Of my veins

Oh

I'm giving all I can

It's a long way up

When you're coming from nowhere

Don't stop...

Come on.

Are you kidding me?

Let me guess, it's spark plugs.

Damn it.

Don't have the spark plugs, can't do the tune-up.

Can't do the tune-up if I don't have spark plugs.

Come on!

Upbeat music

If Andy were to step out on the surface of the Moon

without a space suit, this is what would happen.

In the near vacuum of space,

the gases within his body would immediately expand.

- His blood would appear to boil from...

- Oh. - Oh, come on.

Attention, Moonbase 8.

Congress has approved our budget

for the next fiscal year.

Funds to the Moonbase program have been cut by 15%.

In order to offset some of the losses,

we are pleased to announce a new partnership with Mars.

We're going to Mars. That's great.

- Well, let's see. - We'll see.

-...connected us with the Mars candy company... - Oh.

...who just signed a three-year deal to become

- an official NASA partner. - Well, I mean,

they've got cool products.

They got M&M's, obviously Mars,

which isn't as popular in the United States,

more of a British thing.

- Um, Snickers, they've got... - Can we listen

- to the rest of the report? - Snickers ice cream.

I-I know what candy they make.

...you will participate in the product testing

of an exclusive new candy:

the Snickers Honey-Glazed Maple Bar.

Thank you.

Hmm. What do you think, Cap?

Orders are orders, boys.

All right, let's check it out.

Eat those things up, I guess.

Got some, uh, comment cards

for you guys to fill out, honestly.

"Please complete the questionnaire by marking X

in the appropriate box."

Let's dig in. See what we got here.

- Ooh, boy, look at that. - Oh, it's swimming in honey.

I don't know if I want to hold this, you know,

if I'm driving or something; it's very sticky.

Got a lot of drips happening here.

- Feel... It's like... - Oh, I can hear it.

- Yeah. - It's that smack to it.

What about, um, a separate little, uh,

bag that has the honey in it?

- Like a dipper. Honey dipper. - Little... Yeah.

Well, that's what they did, uh, with, uh, McDonald's Corp,

- with, uh, Chicken McNuggets. - Uh-huh.

So it becomes a sort of family...

You-you put the honey in the middle...

Oh, yeah, write that down.

This would be a nightmare for long-hair dog owners.

Your hands are all sticky.

Your cat or your dog comes up, and you give them a pet.

I'm feeling affectionate when I see the word "honey."

Like, "Oh, hi, honey."

I got to tell you, it's good to have honey.

- It's been a while. - Yeah.

Guys, what are we doing?

I feel like NASA's just farming us out.

This has nothing to do with our skills.

How are we taking this seriously?

- This pencil's stuck. - I went to MIT,

not Hersheypark.

Whatever this is, I-I feel silly.

I-I'd rather not do this.

Well, write it all down.

Okay.

"I'd rather not do this.

Dr. Henai."

Skip?

Gonna get some nutrition.

Need to eat something that has some value.

I think this is important work.

We're helping out NASA, and we're having a fun time doing it

with these sweet treats.

Light music

Hey, guys? There's a...

There's a new base.

- Huh? - Just west of here.

It's SpaceX.

Space sex?

No. SpaceX.

- Like your ex-wife. - Uh-huh.

Or my ex-wife.

- Here. You seen this? - Yeah, this guy.

Huh, looks like Leon DiCaprio.

No, it's "Alon" Musk, the guy who owns SpaceX.

Yeah. They're going to Mars.

- Wait. They're going to Mars? - They think

- they're going to Mars. - That's pretty cool.

No, it's not cool.

They set up their base within eyesight of us?

That's not cool. That's not cool.

It's cocky. And I don't like it.

- Well... - Where do they get off,

doing that? You know?

I think we should be good neighbors

and go over there and say hi.

Oh, that's a cool idea.

Well, I'm not breaking protocol.

And that's a dick move on their part.

Ambient music

All right.

You guys...

where are the good bagels?

You know? The canned ones.

We got, like, a big shipment in last month.

Yeah, we got, like, a gross of those.

I think they just sent these dehydrated little ones.

Which I'm not gonna eat.

These budgets cuts are just killing me.

I'm trying to do experiments; I can't even eat a bagel?

- Geez, tell me about it. - It sucks.

Oh, that dishwashing liquid there,

I've been watering that down for weeks.

Your dish soap is a problem?

How about my rover needs three spark plugs?

And those candy bars? Testing those? What...

What does... How does that help us?

Tell you one thing.

All those guys at SpaceX?

You think they're worrying about money or budgetary concerns?

- Uh, no. - No, I don't think so.

They just ask their buddy "Alon" and, boom, it's there.

"'Alon, ' hey, could I have 20 bucks?"

"Yeah, no problem."

You know, I just can't help thinking

of what Christ says, about turning the other cheek

and loving thy neighbor.

I know you don't want to hear this, Cap,

but maybe the right move is to go over there and explain

our situation, hat in hand, and maybe they can help us out

with our bagel situation.

I don't think we're allowed to do that.

Wait a minute.

Atmospheric music

That is a great idea.

What do you mean? What I, what I said?

You said we can't break protocol.

I did say that. But that is a great idea.

We don't just ask them for bagels, though.

We make conta... Oh, my gosh.

This idea.

Why didn't we think of this before?

We propose a merger of NASA and SpaceX!

Hmm. That sounds pretty complicated.

No, no, no, it's a grassroots, bottom-up idea.

- This is a good idea. - It's a good idea,

but they're private, we're public.

- Yeah. - We can't just wa...

So what? My cable company and my phone company merged.

Like Blockbuster Video, they just went from a store thing

to a... what-whatever happened to them.

- They-they changed. - A chain.

Yeah. Yeah, well, they-they changed.

- They morphed into something. - That's a great point.

Calberry Cross took Lutheran United, just scooped them up,

made for a bigger, better church.

- All right. - NASA.

SpaceX. Boom. Problem solved.

Hmm. I wonder if Billy Goat is over there

- at the Mars simulator. - Who's Billy Goat?

He worked under me at JPL. He was like my protégé.

- Look at him. - Whoa.

That's him right there in the middle.

- With that beard. - Yeah.

Yeah, he's so cool. He looks like he's in System of a Down

or 3 Doors Down, one of those groups.

That is the coolest person I've ever seen in a lab.

We put this picture up in the NASA Twitter feed

and everyone went crazy.

They were just like, "Who's that guy?

No, not her. Him."

And he ended up being a judge on BattleBots.

Wait, are you telling me he worked for JPL under you?

Oh, he used to get me coffee.

Come on! He was your peon.

- He'll do whatever you say. - Yeah.

Listen. All right, here-here's what's happening.

I'm suspending protocol, officially.

We're gonna make

this merger happen.

Bright music

- Whoa. - What the heck?

"At SpaceX, we value the emotions of our fellow man.

We would love to have you over to see our facility,

but we're afraid that is not a possibility

based on our strict adherence to a class 100 clean room."

- Oh. - Ah.

"Please plan on receiving us at 3 p.m. tomorrow."

"Receiving us"? They-they want to come over here?

- Yeah. - All right, looks like

- we got some guests. - Yeah.

Upbeat music

- I could do beef-style stew. - Yes.

- You're good at that. - And...

- Hey, guys. - Sorry, I'm dyslexic.

- Hey. - Caputo on deck.

- Yes, sir. - You look great, man.

Yeah, I clean up all right when I make an effort.

We got to razzle-dazzle these guys.

I never saw that hat before. You were on the Hancock?

No, I wear this so I look cool. Come on.

Were you, were you on...

- Did you serve time on the... - What are we doing here?

Are we getting ready for this party or what?

All right, so I'll handle the introduction, okay?

Okay.

Hello!

Uh, greetings, Martians. Welcome to Moonbase 8.

My name is Commander Robert Caputo.

Oh, hey. Cooper.

Billy, hey.

Hi, I'm Alix.

Uh, these are my associates.

This is Professor Scott Sloan.

This is Dr. Michael Henai.

- Hey. - Dr. Henai!

- Good to see you. - It's been forever.

Thanks for stopping by. Hello.

- Hey. - Hey, uh, Billy.

I-I don't know if I can tell,

but, u-uh, d-do you still have the beard?

Ah, man, that was a long time ago.

Oh, yeah? What kind of beard did you have?

He had a long green beard.

It was so cool-looking and, uh,

I hope you guys get to see pictures of it someday.

Didn't fit in the helmet. So...

Well, we wanted to thank you so much for inviting us here.

- Welcome. - Do you guys want to go

get the thing? Uh, and as a token of our appreciation

for inviting us, Elon wanted you guys to have

a very special gift.

- Oh, look at that! - Yeah. -Thank you.

- What the heck is that? - -It's the new Tesla Powerwall.

That's very cool. We have an air-conditioning system

in place, but I'm sure we could use that...

No, it's a battery.

It's amazing battery tech.

It'll totally up your efficiency game.

Ah, wow. It's almost like we're on the same team already.

Well, thank you very much. That's very kind.

- Yeah, of course. - Without further ado,

let's get started on our tour.

Right through here, and watch your head.

- We wrote it out. - Watch your head.

So these are our sleeping quarters.

Watch your head.

Cap's bunk. Rook's bunk.

- I'm in here. - I call it a pod.

Oh, yeah.

This is graphite.

We've got, uh, internal

self-correcting temperature controls.

So, sort of warm and cool at the same time,

so we don't have to futz with some kind of a little device

or whatever; it sort of self-regulates.

There's a restroom right over there.

We used to not have a shower curtain. Now we do.

Hooray. And, um...

How thick is our carpet about?

- It's a half a millimeter or so. - This is just standard stuff.

It's an indoor-outdoor.

- Got a good nap to it. - Yeah.

Easy to clean; we just get one of those

little tiny duster...

What do you call it? The DustBuster.

- Yeah. - It's awesome.

- Yeah. - Just...

- Right. - But we told NASA,

we're just like, "We need good carpet."

- We don't want to... you know, we're not... - Yeah.

We don't want that, that balling up to happen.

No. Especially on the Moon.

How does this measure up to your pods?

- It's kind of similar. - Similar.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Ours is a different color.

- Mm-hmm. - Mm-hmm. -Yeah.

And it's a little... s... more spread out.

- Yeah. Yeah. - Oh.

There's only so many ways to skin a cat, right?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Let's show them the rest of the hab.

- Come on. - Show you where we hang out and stuff.

Yeah, yeah, you lead this one, Cap.

We got all our movies here.

We got all the best science-fiction movies.

We got Logan's Run. We got Silent Running.

We got 2010. Working on 2001.

- Yeah, if you know anybody... - Don't have that yet.

We've got research footage, too, from previous missions

- that we can access, by year. - Right.

And then, on Thursday nights,

it's actually our official movie night, and...

Can we invite...?

Yeah. You're invited.

- Hang out? - Yeah.

You guys want to see the kitchen?

Oh, yeah, the kitchen's awesome.

Oh, it's state of the art.

Hey, um, Billy, want to show me that Powerwall setup?

- Yes. Yes. Yeah. - Let's go take a look.

- It's good to see you, man. - You, too. It's been ages.

- I know. - Crazy.

That should up your efficiency, like, 40%.

Wow. Thank you so much. This is great.

Yeah, man, my pleasure.

Wow.

- It's great to see you, you know? - Yeah.

- You, too, man. - You're exactly the same.

- Well, except for... - Except for that,

but it's just like no time has passed.

- Oh, man. - And you're happy?

- Things are good over there? - It's amazing.

- I mean, how could it not be? - Yeah.

- You know? - Yeah.

Yeah. Hey, how's, uh, how's NASA treating you?

It's...

- it's okay. - Oh?

You know, they don't really use me to my full potential.

They've got us testing out candy bars.

Which seems fun on paper,

but then it is just... I'm like, "What am I doing here?"

Yeah, I've heard about the setbacks.

- It-it sucks. - Yeah.

We have actually been talking about this idea

where... and maybe you could mention this to Elon...

A merger between SpaceX

and NASA.

I mean, can you imagine the brainpower?

The energy?

Yeah, I mean, I-I-I think Elon's got, you know,

all the top equipment and people already.

- You know? - Oh, he's... yeah.

Yeah.

That is a dumb idea. Why would he...

- Well, it's not dumb, but, you know... - It's dumb.

You know, we're always looking for top-tier science talent.

I... Why don't you come over to us?

- Me? - I mean, just you.

Not the other guys.

And you could secure a position like that for me?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

I mean, look, NASA was your dad's thing.

Maybe it's time for you to step into the future.

It's a lot to consider.

And, uh, yeah, I'll...

yeah, I'll give it, I'll give it some thought.

This is starting to heat up over here. It's cooking.

Yeah, what do you got? What do you got?

- You almost done? - Yeah, this is

the beef-style stew I was raving about.

- Mm. - Mmm.

Great.

He's crazy for that beef-style stew.

Yeah, it stinks, but it tastes great.

What else?

And I'm gonna serve some dehydrated pizza pies

with a pepperoni flavoring.

So you guys are still eating, uh, dehydrated food?

Yeah. Space food.

Why? What are you guys eating over there?

Um, well, we just have different kinds of food.

- Yeah. - Yeah, um,

mainly a lot of street food.

Our catering is, um, is pretty amazing, actually.

So it's like, Wednesday, we have Vietnamese street food.

Thursday, we got Thai street food.

We got Sicilian street food.

Well, if you want street food here,

I'm happy to go out and try to find a dead pigeon for you

- or something. - That's good, Cap.

- Yeah. - Yeah. Street food, our food.

"Oh, this is a porcupine quill?"

- Yeah. - Yeah, we just found

that dehydrated food is actually very bad for your system,

and that eating fresh food

actually keeps the mood elevated

and keeps the brain a lot sharper.

You know, if I have too much fresh fruit and vegetables,

it goes whoosh! Just straight through me.

- He's the king of diarrhea. - Yeah.

- Something smells good. - Hey!

There they are. Let's eat, guys!

- Mmm. - Mmm.

- Interesting texture. - Right?

- Yeah. - Want some more, uh,

powder for your drink?

Uh, I'm okay. No, thank you.

Oh, shoot.

Guys, I'm sorry. I should've done this earlier.

I would like to say a quick little grace,

and welcome our new guests

to the table here.

Dear Lord, I just want to thank you

for providing this bounty for us.

And continue to watch over us and our new friends.

Rook, you don't have to do that now.

We can...

- We're okay. - You sure?

- They understand. - Yeah.

- Wait, so... - It might not be for everybody.

Oh, I'm sorry. Sorry to offend,

- if I offended you guys. - No, no, y-you're religious?

- That's-that's so, um... - Mm-hmm.

...cool.

Yeah, it is pretty cool, actually.

How do you rationalize, you know,

scientific concepts such as, you know,

string theory, big bang,

you know, evolution, with something like Christianity?

Actually, there's this book by Dr. Peter Tinkleton.

I don't know if you're familiar with him.

Uh, he's posing this incredible theory that

when the Lord talks about days,

they're actually referring to decades.

-Who cares? You know? No one gives a shit... -Anything's possible.

...about any of that stuff.

I'd like to propose a toast.

- Yeah. - Cheers to our new neighbors.

- Cheers. - Here we go.

- Cheers. - Cheers to you.

And while I have the floor, um...

...I got kind of a cool idea I want to present to you guys.

Um, you've probably heard that NASA's getting pinched

by old Uncle Sam the miser,

uh, financially.

And so, what I want

to propose to you guys that, hopefully,

you'll take straight up back to the top,

is that we do a merger,

where we take NASA and SpaceX,

and we mix them together.

And we could call it NASA-X,

or Space NASA, or...

if you want to go fun, we go SNASA.

- Has a ring to it. - That is awesome, Cap.

- That's an awesome idea. - Yeah, I don't...

I don't know. I don't know if that's feasible.

- Right. - Yeah.

Yeah, but it-it could be feasible.

Mm. Yeah, just, I don't, I don't,

I don't think it's-it's possible.

Uh, Skip actually mentioned that merger, and...

- What? - Yeah, well...

Yeah, we talked about it a little bit already.

You already talked about the idea with him?

- Yeah, yeah. We've known each other a while, so... - Okay.

What did he tell you about the idea?

- Funding from Elon to... - No. No.

- No, that's not what I said, Skip. Sorry. - In-in essence.

I'm not after your money, okay?

This is not a holdup.

It was just, I'm talking about a-a partnership.

Like, what she said, I-I don't think it's gonna happen.

They also might not have the authority to-to do that.

Yes, I'm aware of that. That's why I said

bring it up to "Alon."

-Elon. -Anyway, I thought it was worth considering,

and Skip disagrees.

- I'll note that down in my notes. - I-I don't disagree.

Okay, Skip, gotcha.

Uh, if you're interested in the Dr. Tinkleton stuff

I was talking about, there's actually a DVD series

that he put out.

You can check out the cartoons and stuff.

Yeah.

Okay.

I spoiled the mood.

I get it, all right. I'm not a dummy.

- No, it's okay. - No, I spoiled the mood.

I lost my temper in a way. Um, it's fine.

Sorry if I... You know, I'm sorry.

- No, no. - If I...

I just... We like you guys.

- Okay? - We really do.

We think you're cool.

And hopefully you think we're pretty cool.

And I just didn't want you to leave

before I got a chance to know you, you know?

- So... - Mm.

What about you, Cooper?

You're just sitting over there pretty quiet.

W-What's your deal?

Let me guess. Harvard.

Um, Stanford, actually.

- Ah. A good choice. - Yeah.

- Good choice. Mm-hmm. - Thank you.

What do they do at Stanford? You play any sports or...

Um, yeah, I actually used to run track.

- Ah, track. - There's that.

A little spring in your step, huh?

- Yeah, you could say that. - You think you're pretty fast?

Tense music

I did all right. Won some competitions.

That's good. Yeah. Well...

A real Speedy Gonzales.

You think you're faster than me?

I-I don't know... I wouldn't know.

I know how to find out.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Have a good old-fashioned footrace right now.

You want to do that?

- Yeah. Let's suit up. - You really want to do this?

Let's have a footrace.

- No, no, no. Let's just eat... -Yeah!

Come on. Go with it, go with it, go with it.

If Cap wants to race, we're suiting up. Let's go!

Okay, we're gonna go from here to the rover

and back.

This is so stupid. I don't care who wins.

If I win, you guys set me up

with a one-on-one with "Alon" Musk.

- Elon. - If you win,

I will give you that NASA rover.

You will take it home with you.

- Cap, no. Come on. - No, no, no.

We're doing this for pink slips. I mean it.

Let's do this.

All right, I want a clean and fair race. You hear me?

On my mark.

Ready...

intense music

...set... go!

Oh!

Yeah!

- Yeah! - Yeah.

All right, where are those keys at?

Cap, you okay?

Oh, man.

Rook... I lost the rover.

I-I don't know what happened. I just, my feet got caught up...

It's all right. Take it easy.

I guess I'll just lay here for a bit longer,

maybe get some sympathy out of it.

Maybe it's a do-over?

We can ask. We can always ask.

Just-just take a minute, okay?

Just catch your breath.

Hey, you know what, Cap?

You got a little crack in your helmet there.

- See that? - There's a crack in the helmet?

Yeah. See that?

Well, that's a helmet breach.

You're right, that's a helmet breach.

It's helmet-breach protocol, then.

Yeah. Initiate helmet-breach protocol?

You know all the dialogue and everything, right?

I got it all down pat. You ready?

- Okay, I'm gonna go into it. - Okay.

Three, two, one.

Ah, helmet breach!

- We have a helmet breach! - Helmet breach!

Initiate Protocol 92!

Don't you leave my body on the Moon.

I'm not losing you, damn it!

You listen to me, you get me off this rock!

Man, they're really going for the Oscar over there, huh?

All you need is Stanley Kubrick directing.

I know. Don't they know we're not on the moon?

What was that joke?

Oh, I was saying, you know how a lot of people think

that NASA faked the Moon landings,

and that Stanley Kubrick directed it.

All right. Well, you know that my father pretty much created

the Apollo program.

So you're saying that he faked that?

- No. Not at all, not at all. - No, no.

- I'm just saying... - They're faking it.

He's like, "Breach! Breach!" but, like, it's air.

- The air's fine. - It's oxygen.

We need to get him in the base!

Stay with me, you son of a bitch.

You know what?

Why don't you go on ahead and, uh, tell Elon Musk

that I'm gonna rescind the job offer.

Okay.

I represent the National Aeronautics and Space Agency.

And I'm gonna follow my father's footsteps

and continue the mission for science.

I know that NASA isn't the fanciest agency,

but, you know, it's got some integrity to it.

It's my father's NASA.

That's our NASA.

And, uh, Billy, you should grow the beard back.

That's what made you special.

All right, guys, wait up.

I got to stop the air from getting out!

We should leave this, right?

I mean, it's a piece of shit anyways.

Ambient music

You know, Cap, uh,

I think that guy got the jump on you.

Wish we had an instant replay camera.

Don't you get it?

We did win.

I'm proud of you guys.

You showed up today.

You made this place look like a dazzling wonder.

Yeah.

And those kids...

those kids are sweet.

They're dreamers, right?

They think they're going to Mars.

Really? Really?

That program's prepared to go to Mars in their lifetime?

I don't think so. Uh-uh.

Maybe in their grandchildren's lifetime they're going to Mars,

but those people are not going to Mars.

Nope.

Us?

We're going to the Moon.

- Yeah. - Yeah, we are!

We are going to the Moon.

- Yes! - You get it?

- Yeah. - You get it?

- And when I get up there... - Yeah, Cap.

...I'm gonna look down at them,

and I'm gonna flip them the bird.

- Hell yeah! - I'm gonna flip them the bird

so bad, their heads will spin!

- Heck yeah! - 'Cause we're Moon men!

- Yeah! - We're going there!

Three cheers for Robert Caputo!

- Hip, hip, hooray! - Hooray!

-Hip, hip, hooray! Hip, hip, hooray! -Hooray! Hooray!

Take your boots off before you go up on the table though.

Well, can he just have his moment here?

- Give me a hand down. - You can go back up,

- just take your boots off. - Whoa!

Electronic vocalizing

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