Original subtitles

[beeping]

[theme music]

[music playing]

Hard drive, hard drive, wherefore art thou, hard drive?

[laughs]

[beeping]

[laughs]

All's well that ends well, my futuristic friend.

Uh!

Oh, crap!

[beeping]

[music playing]

[laughter and chatter]

[inaudible] actor's ratty wardrobe.

Yum!

Nothing makes me hungrier than the three S's.

Sun, surf, and sand.

Want a bite of my Cinnamon Soy Cluster Stick?

I'll pass.

I'm too weirded out by the fact that Clover

actually bailed on an awesome beach sesh with us.

It's so unlike her. - Oh!

No doubt.

She must have had something way major

on her sched to skip the beach.

Let me guess.

What's the one thing that can keep

Clover away from the shore?

[music playing]

A boy.

Uh, guys, you're coming back from the beach already?

There's still like 15 minutes of good sun left.

Uh, Clover, we were there for like four hours.

Yeah, If we stayed any longer, we would have

had to pay rent to the lobsters.

[laughs]

[clears throat]

So, who's your friend, Clover?

[music playing]

This is my new beau, Wilhelm we've

been at one of his weightlifting competitions all day.

Wilhelm!

I'd like you to meet Sam and Alex.

(TOGETHER) Hi.

Uh, nice to meet you, too.

So, Wilhelm, I had like a great time and all,

but I need to get back to my dorm

and, um, dry clean my shoelaces.

Uh-huh.

Wow!

That's quite a massive man hunk you got there, Clover.

Hm?

Oh!

I am so tired of dating dumb jockey dudes.

I need a serious change in my life.

Where are all the artsy, sensitive boys?

Usually taking artsy, sensitive boy courses,

like theater class.

Yeah!

Hey, look!

An announcement for a new theater class at Mali-U!

I bet the artsy, sensitive guys will be all over it.

I better sign up for this right away.

I can't wait to be exposed to an entirely new class of guys.

Caio!

Whoo-hoo!

Let's see, now.

Where to sit for maximum hottie scopage?

Ah!

This job burdens my very existence to its core!

It's as if the students are conspiring against me!

Whoa.

These cute, artsy types are totally combustible.

Clearly I made a mistake.

Luckily there's still time to bail.

Uh!

No one leaves this class without my permission.

If I have to be here, so do you!

Even if it's for an eternity!

[thunder]

And scene.

Hi, everyone.

Welcome to Theater 101.

That was an example of an angry scene.

[applause and chatter]

We act not because we want to, but because

of a burning passion inside lest it consume us

like a fiery dragon of despair!

Now it's time to cast my latest one-act play.

Oh, oh, oh!

Can I be cast as the romantic lead?

I totally have tons of experience.

Hm.

Actually, I have something else in mind for you.

[music playing]

So he kicked a chair all crazy and mean,

but really, he's pretty nice.

And he has a role in mind for me,

so maybe I'm like the damsel in distress or femme fatale.

Oh!

And he's really cute in a tortured, artsy, sensitive kind

of way.

So I take it you liked your first class?

Hello!

Are you hearing me?

This is only like my life's calling.

[beeping]

Hello?

(EVERYONE) Whoa!

[yelling]

Thanks for taking my call, ladies.

That was a really sneaky, dirty trick, Jere.

Why, thank you.

Shall we get down to business?

There's been a break-in at a clandestine computer lab.

We're not sure if anything has been taken,

but there are a number of top secret and potentially

dangerous programs there.

And if anyone's gotten their hands on them--

Hm?

Clover, for the of Hampton Court Palace, what are you doing?

I'm practicing acting indifferent

for my theater class.

Was I convincing?

Oh, very.

Perhaps these gadgets will hold your attention.

The Motion Alarm Pencil connected wirelessly

to the X-Powder, Head For Cover Hoverboards,

and the Metal Morphosis Magnet Faux Tooth.

Mad lineup, Jere.

We can get some serious snooping done with these.

Then by all means, hop to it.

[yelling]

[laughs]

I say we take a stealthy approach in order to keep

our investigation secret.

Good thinking, Sammy, just in case

this happens to be an inside job.

[music playing]

The Motion Alarm Pencil has us covered.

Now let's solve this case so I can get back to where I belong.

Under the spotlights.

The X-Powder can scan to see if any outside

users bypassed security and interfaced

with a specific program.

[beeping]

Cool!

Well, seem like our little computer is smarter than them

all.

Looks like someone cloned a computer program

called the Nexi Project.

It has the capacity to hypnotize those exposed to a pulsating

light pattern it produces.

Freaky.

Too bad we don't know exactly who did the cloning.

But we do know that they left this piece of ripped fabric

behind.

SAM: Good fine, Alex.

Let's get this back to WOOHP for analysis--

[beeping]

It's the Motion Alarm Pencil!

Someone's coming!

Quick!

The Head For Cover Hoverboards!

Hey!

Who is that?

[yelling]

Huh?

Get back here!

I can't hover around this place all night.

My play starts in like 10 minutes!

And you guys need to be in the audience to supporting me.

Don't worry.

I have an idea to outsmart Mr. Smarty Pants.

Way to turn the tables on him, Sammy.

[music playing]

Uh!

I cannot believe we're wasting our time here.

I mean, what is the point of having

a play if there's not even a red carpet and paparazzi?

Yeah, totally.

What's up with that?

Lamest production or what?

"King Henry the Eighth-capades And Historical Musical."

This ought to be interesting.

[thumping]

Oh, lookie!

The curtain's going up!

[music playing]

(SINGING) Woe is me!

Where is my bride to be?

Years of girl trouble have left me in rubble!

This is kind of upbeat, but where's Clover?

I thought she was going to be one of the leads.

She's a lead, all right.

SAM: Lead lightpost!

[laughs]

[music playing]

(SINGING) I'll never taste defeat, only this tender mead.

I'm the monarch with style.

Thanks for staying a while!

I'm King Henry the VIII!

Yeah!

[applause]

Thank you.

[snoring]

Hey!

Hey!

Wha-- what?

I just wanted to let everyone know that the Mali Cafe will be

open late tonight, and your ticket

stub gets you a free straw with every two beverage purchases.

Well, that's something you don't see every day.

Ugh!

That play was worse than being stuck in the Valley

without a cellphone.

Totally.

And what was with that actor's ratty wardrobe?

Ultra super mega low budge much??

Well, you've got to hand it to Clover, though.

She was the most convincing lightpost I've ever seen.

Guys, I'll catch up with you in a few minutes at the Cafe,

'k? - Sure, Clover.

See you there.

Wowza!

Who knew acting could be so satisfying to the soul?

Kind of like a Mali Cafe double soy mocha.

Want to join me?

Fools!

These people wouldn't know good theater if it him

them like 20-ton wrecking ball.

[gasps]

Uh, I guess you probably want to work on your award speech

after that powerhouse performance.

See you later?

Guess I'll have to kick my production up another notch.

Then they'll have to acknowledge my greatness.

[music playing]

What are you doing?

Ahhh!

[music playing]

Where's Virgil?

He said the Cafe was going to be open.

Virgil!

I totally realize that I make playing a lightpost look really

easy, but I researched that role extensively

before I went on stage.

Well, um, it looked very natural.

And didn't Milton rock?

He's such an amazing, misunderstood artist.

You definitely got the misunderstood part right.

[chuckles]

Finally!

I've got a vicious case of the munchies.

Howdy, ladies.

Can I get you 10 of my special baked beans and pork bellies?

Virgil, Halloween's like five months away.

What's with the getup?

There's gold in them thar hills.

That's why this old cowboy's headin' west.

OK, whatever.

Can I get a mineral water, no ice, and a wedge of lime?

I told you vermin what's on the menu,

baked beans and pork bellies!

Virgil, you know my policy about eating cute things.

I'm extremely against it.

Gosh durn city slickers don't know hospitality

when it's offered to ya.

Now git out of my cantina!

Hey!

Watch it!

No shoving!

OK, that was bizarre even by Virgil's standards.

Which is saying something.

Apparently someone's been breathing

in too many coffee fumes.

Oh!

Come on, let's just go to bed.

[sinister laugh]

[music playing]

[bell ringing]

I had the weirdest dream about Virgil last night.

Unfortunately, we all had that dream,

and even more unfortunate is the fact that it was real.

Actually, I think it was a dream that

just turned into a nightmare.

What a dreadful mess.

I'll have this place spick and span in no time.

It is mankind's destiny to explore

space, the final frontier.

[chatter]

Is Mindy cleaning the classroom?

With her own hands?

Where'd she even learn to do that?

More importantly, where did Mandy learn to do that?

It is mankind's destiny to explore

space, the final frontier!

[cheering]

OK, so Ken and Virgil, that makes

three cases of full-blown insanity at Mali-U

in the past few hours.

Hm.

Insanity or hypnosis?

I'm calling Jerry to follow up on that stolen

computer program.

JERRY: Psst!

Girls, over here!

Wow, that was fast, Jere.

I'm glad you called.

I've gotten the results on the fabric you sent.

Turns out it is a rare velvet which

dates back to the 16th Century.

Terrific.

We can make a tiny set of curtains with it.

That's not all.

I've tracked down the person who bought it

recently at an antique auction.

His name is Stefan Toucay.

Stefan Toucay?

Who's Stefan Toucay?

This is.

[gasps]

No way!

That's Milton.

But why is his name listed as Stefan?

Duh!

Obviously, it's one of his many stage names.

The more stage names you have, the more talented you are.

I think you girls should immediately investigate

this Milton character.

TTFN!

This is ridiculous.

Like Milton would ever waste his time on crime.

Let's go over to the theater right now and clear this up.

Better yet, you go over to the theater

and keep Milton busy while we snoop his office to see

what sort of evidence turns up. - What evs.

This is a total waste of time.

Come on, let's check out that office.

[music playing]

According to this, Milton used to direct

plays off-off-off Broadway.

That's so off Broadway it's almost back on Broadway.

He sure has written his share plays, though.

Huh?

What is it, Sam?

Tell me if this sounds familiar.

"There's gold in them thar hills.

That's why this old cowboy's headin' west."

"It is mankind's destiny to explore

space, the final frontier."

These are the lines that Mandy and Virgil were saying.

But why are they in a script?

I'm not sure, but it looks like we

found our criminal connection.

Uh!

The very thought of accusing Milton of something

so silly is like beyond lame.

[gasps]

What is he up to?

So, didn't care for my play last night, huh?

Maybe this will adjust your attitude.

[screams]

[laughs]

[gasps]

I feel like as a butterfly.

[laughs]

[thump]

Huh?

Huh?

Oh!

[music playing]

Hm.

Huh.

What would a theater geek like Milton

want with a computer disk?

[beeping]

Nexi Project?

That's the top secret hypnosis program

that was stolen from the lab.

Which might start to explain why people around campus

are acting so weird.

And Clover is alone with that totally demented guy!

Let's go!

Keep your distance, you creepy imposter!

Hm.

Excellent use of stage props, my lovely understudy.

Your acting potential seems limitless!

Really?

Do you mean it?

Cause I've been working on my skill.

Yes, but now that you've seen what I'm doing,

I'm going to have to cut your career short.

[yelling]

Alex, no!

Huh?

Oh, my.

It's drafty in here.

Now where did I put my crocheted shawl?

How care you turn our best friend into a frail old granny!

[chuckles]

What can I say?

The theater takes all kinds.

[beeping]

[yelling]

[music playing]

Clover!

Are you OK?

Other than feeling like I fell head first into a bag

of hammers, I'm great.

Where are we?

[evil laughter]

OK, what is going on with Milton?

The show.

Because the show must go on!

I can't believe I used to like his cheesy lines.

And therein lies the problem.

It seems as if a few people don't

enjoy my brand of theater.

Judging from the old reviews in your office,

most people don't enjoy it.

In fact, they kind of hate it.

Which is why I've decided to hypnotize those who were

critical of last night's production

and turn them into characters for my newest production,

"Disaster On The Terror Express!"

Uh!

Oh, my.

It's drafty in here.

Now where did I put my crocheted shawl?

It is mankind's destiny to explore

space, the final frontier!

OK, so you've turned everyone into bad actors like you.

What now?

I'll turn all of Earth's population into actors,

and the entire world will be my stage!

[laughs]

The premise is very simple.

Several unlikely characters meet on a train which is headed

towards sudden destruction.

(TOGETHER) Ahh!

By certain destruction, I take it you mean brick wall?

All aboard!

And action!

[train whistle]

[laughs]

[music playing]

Those wheels are going to slice us into one big cut roll

if we don't stop that thing. - Uh!

I can't reach any of my gadgets.

Quick, use the Metal Morphosis Magnet Faux Tooth!

Good thinking!

Blech!

[music playing]

Awesome!

Worked like a charm.

[screaming]

[crash]

I think it worked a little too well.

Come on!

[crash]

Nobody rewrites me!

None the less, I'll see to it that this play ends in tragedy!

[music playing]

Everyone!

Get off the train before it's too late!

There's gold in them thar hills!

That's why this old cowboy's headin' west.

Milton's got them so messed up Virgil doesn't even realize

he's already in the west.

Uh-oh!

The one and only top on this line looks like the Mali Cafe.

Except I don't think it's stopping!

Ah!

A fitting climax to my story.

[music playing]

Break a leg, everyone!

Huh?

Whoa!

Not so fast, pal.

Whoa!

Oh!

Hey, let me go!

The hero always gets away.

Exactly why you won't be getting away.

Nice catch, Clover.

But if we don't stop this train, let's just way

there won't be a sequel.

No prob, Sammy.

Yes!

[train whistle]

Hey, watch it!

What?

[yelling]

OK, what now?

[train whistle]

It looks like we managed to steal

the train away from the Cafe, but now

we're headed for the ocean!

We have to evacuate the actors!

But how?

They won't listen to us.

But they will listen to the director.

Come on!

Forget it!

I won't do it!

Milton Bard doesn't take notes on his own script!

Fine.

Then I guess you'll go down with the ship just

like all the extras.

Huh?

Oh.

MILTON (ON PA): Everyone abandon ship!

Now!

Ahh!

It is mankind's destiny to explore

space, the final frontier!

[yelling]

[music playing]

[splash]

(TOGETHER) Yeah!

Oh, my, it's drafty in here.

Now where did I put my crocheted shawl?

Excellent work, girls.

And thankfully, we've figured out

a way to reverse the hypnotic effect of the computer program.

And best of all--

ALEX: Ahh!

What happened?

I feel like an elephant played soccer with my head.

No one will have any recollection of what happened.

Don't worry, we'll fill you in on the details later, Alex.

So what do you have planned for our friend Milton?

Or should I say Stefan?

He'll have an entirely new audience now,

his fellow inmates at the WOOHP prison.

Did you say audience?

I'd better start working out a new play.

Whoa!

Perhaps a comedy set behind bars!

Some people don't know when to give up.

[beeping] - Huh?

Oh!

Time flies when you're catching bad guys.

I'm late for my date with Wilhelm.

We're going to the ballet.

Wilhelm?

I thought you were sick of jockey guys.

That was before I realized how seriously

mental artsy boys are.

Ciao!

Looks like we're headed to the beach alone again.

The beach?

I love the beach!

Let me just grab my bathing suit, and I'll join you.

Ew!

Jerry, go work on your base tan.

Yeah.

You're going to blind us with that pasty skin.

[laughter]

Oh.

[laughs]

[theme music]