Original subtitles

Hey, Douglas. How's it going?

What did you do?

Demoed the driveway.

- Nice job too. - What's the problem?

Well, you know... It's the wrong driveway.

That's a problem, don't you think?

2933, Vic! This is 2935.

Hey! We're in the wrong...

These guys are morons!

I hate to say this.

- This is gonna cost. - It's gonna cost who?

I'm in a bad way. Money's very tight with me.

You know I can't afford to eat this.

Even if it was my fault... which I'm not saying it was.

Shut up! What am I gonna do?

Man, what am I gonna do?

Here's what we're gonna do.

We're gonna do both driveways.

I don't care how long it takes. Nobody goes home until we're finished.

And if you say one more word to me for the rest of the day...

I'm gonna take a drywall hammer and beat you to death with it.

Got it?

Makes total sense to me. Thank you.

Hello, Kinney. Yeah. Eddie, how you doing?

Problem this morning? Giving away free driveways?

Why do you always have a crack when you come in the door?

Listen. Go ahead and fax those plans over.

Right now. Hold on. I got another call.

Hi, hon. I was just going to call you. What's the matter?

Really? No. I know what it is.

It's the hot water heater. I've been meaning to fix it.

Oh, shit!

Franny! My fax machine's gone psycho again.

Yo. What's up?

- Do you hate me? - No, Dell. I don't hate you.

Why are you trying to end my life? A guy in Beverly Hills says he's gonna sue me.

- You destroyed his driveway? - Yeah. We did.

Like a prank?

Not like a prank.

Look. Don't give it a second thought. It's my responsibility.

I'm gonna fix it on my own time.

What time would that be?

'Cause Ted told me you haven't finished the Malibu job yet.

You know what I think?

No, Ted. What do you think?

I think we'll have to put in more hours.

This is not just a nine-to-five job. That's not gonna get it done.

There's a saying where I worked last:

"If you don't come in on Saturday, don't bother coming in on Sunday."

You're talking about working weekends?

Weekends, nights, holidays... whatever it takes.

I'm ready.

My office, two minutes.

Do you have any stegosauruses?

No. I have an iguanodon and tyrannosaurus.

I fished a stegosaurus. Hey, Dad.

- Hey, dude. How you doing? - Good.

Good hand. Hey, dude.

Did you look at the hot water heater?

I just walked in the door.

- Okay, Zack. No bath tonight. - All right!

Brush your teeth and go to bed.

You missed Campfire Girls.

Honey, I'm not in Campfire Girls. I'm a Brownie.

It was Jennifer's graduation.

Oh, man! I forgot!

- I phoned and reminded you. - I know. I'm sorry.

I totally forgot. My fault. Was she upset?

Of course. Every other father was there.

Including the divorced ones.

- What about the lesbian moms? - Both of them.

Where is she now?

In the den, drinking.

Funny.

She's asleep. Where were you? You said you'd come.

I had to work late, babe.

King fired Richard DeGrazzi.

You're kidding. Why?

Because he does bad work.

I will say this for him. He does it really slowly.

Who replaced him?

I'll give you a hint. You sleep with him.

- The video store guy. - Yeah.

The video store guy.

I knew you were dating. I wasn't sure if you were sleeping with him.

Honey, that's great. So it's like a promotion?

- Yeah. - It's not great.

Guess who's gonna do all the work that I was doing?

You're gonna do all those jobs?

Are they gonna give you more money?

I think it's really more of a prestige thing, hon.

That's it. They'll probably give me a plaque or certificate...

for just being so great.

Oh, God! No!

This is ridiculous! We hardly even see you now!

Couldn't you tell him you don't wanna do it?

Sure. I could say no, if you wanna start catching your own food.

Don't worry. I can handle it.

It'll be okay.

I'll go check on the water heater.

Jennifer Kinney.

I desire to seek the way that shall become a delight to my heart...

for it'll bring me to the fire of human kindness...

lighted by those who've gone before me on the Campfire trail.

Congratulations.

That's so great.

Gosh. I don't know.

I'm gonna have to think about that.

You know, I really appreciate it.

Thank you.

Well, you know I'll call you.

Thanks. All right. Bye.

- How you doing? - You hungry?

No. I'm too tired to eat.

I'm just gonna have some cereal.

- So, who was that? - Valerie.

- Who helped her dial the phone? - Don't start.

The company just made her regional manager.

- No kidding. - It is so weird.

When I quit to have Zack, I was way ahead of her.

They thought more of me than of her.

She just called to tell you how great she's doing?

Well, no. She offered me her old job now that she's been promoted.

So...

you're thinking about going back to selling real estate?

Well, yeah. What do you think?

What do I think?

Let's see. The first couple months you'd be making practically nothing.

Right? 'Cause, you know, it's hard.

Then we're paying out more money for child care.

You're working. I'm working.

Then we're both not going to Campfire Girls.

I was thinking if you could help out a little more with the kids.

How? When? How am I gonna work that out?

I just meant in emergencies.

What? A real estate emergency?

Hon...

my whole life's an emergency.

I'm not going back to work, am I?

We always said I would someday. But now I realize I never will.

Take my job, okay? You go build condos!

Make sure you're there at 6:00 in the morning, by the way.

Call an exorcist.

I don't know where it came from. I'm really sorry.

Laura, look. I'm really sorry.

This is stupid.

Here's all we need: We just need to get a schedule. We'll be okay.

We don't need a schedule. We need a miracle.

"Gemini Institute - Malibu, CA"

Once we get the duct work in, this should fly.

I can't be two places at once. You gotta cover me on this.

Is somebody paying you to watch her ass? You're doing an excellent job.

Help me out here...

Doug, we got a problem down here in the basement.

Oh, no!

I don't believe this.

Have a seat.

Damn!

- Put your back into it! - Move!

- Man, what is this? - Fine. Knock yourself out.

Shit!

God!

Damn it!

Look, I'm sorry. I lost it.

I just went crazy. We'll get your water back on right away.

Geez. This thing goes off every five minutes.

- Tough business, isn't it? - I don't know. What do you do?

- Not mine. Yours. - Oh, construction?

Yeah. Really tough.

What do you do to relax?

- Well, play golf. - That's a great game.

How often do you get out?

Well, let's see.

Never. Yeah, never.

I'm gonna have to cut back though.

You don't have to live this way, you know?

Really?

With all due respect, I forgot to go to medical school.

I can help you.

- Help me? How? - Change your life.

What is it you guys do around here?

We make miracles.

Sure.

Call me.

I feel guilty because I don't spend enough time with my wife and kids.

And then I get resentful about it...

because I feel like I should get a little time for myself.

It's like, work is first...

and my family is a close second.

I'm a distant third bringing up the rear.

I don't know.

Is that crazy?

I don't know. I'm not a psychiatrist.

Anyway, you don't need one.

These problems are not in your mind. They're real.

They require real solutions.

Well then...

what do you do?

I told you. I make miracles.

I create time.

I make clones.

Well, okay.

Sit down.

I'm a geneticist.

Fifteen years ago I started cloning viruses.

Can't have too many viruses.

Then ten years ago I cloned an earthworm.

Well, God bless you, sir.

And then, a chimp.

And then last year...

well...

Last year...

- Hi, there. - Just in time.

Hello.

This is Doug Kinney. He's doing our new offices.

I know Doug. He and I went over the plans one day.

- Oh? - You were sailing.

Wait a minute.

- You understand what I'm suggesting? - Yeah.

Sure. What's not to understand?

You Xerox people.

- In a way. - Sort of.

The procedure takes about two hours.

- I don't know about that. - More or less.

And at the end you have everything you need.

What is it that...

you know... that I need?

Time.

All you need! For everything!

Say I'm interested.

What would a...

you know...

nothing fancy, just the basic...

just, you know...

basic...

you know... clone job cost?

- Doctor, we're ready for you. - Very good.

Doc?

I hate to sound like a baby...

but just promise me everything's gonna be all right.

You're gonna be fine. There's nothing to worry about.

Thanks. I'm not gonna turn out to look like these guys, am I?

- Well, I hope not. - Okay.

- Watch your head. - Goddamn.

That's right. Just lie back and put your feet in the stirrups.

I'm sorry. But did you see that movie, "The Fly"?

Jeff Goldblum has these enormous eyes.

Peripheral vision is one thing, but it's a bad look.

And he's always eating everything with those little hands.

- I don't wanna talk... I'm sorry. - Relax now.

Take it easy. That's right.

Yeah, well... What the hell is that thing?

This is just gonna help you relax.

So far, it's not working.

I'm sorry. My uncle went in for routine dental work.

He came out and was never the same.

I don't know if he got that suction thing lodged in his throat...

but after this, he was always...

"Hey, Doug. What's wrong?"

- Count backwards from 100. - Sure.

Like that's gonna work.

One hundred, Ni...

- Am I all right? - You're fine.

Well?

I mean, is it... You know, did it...

Is it a boy?

I mean, I know it's a... Did it work?

Is that it?

I'm afraid you're it.

What do you mean, I'm it? I can't be it.

- You mean, you think I'm the clone? - That's right.

I can't be the clone. I'm me. He's gotta be the clone.

No. See... I'm me.

Help me out here. I am me, right?

Look here.

- Sit up. - I gotta be me.

Hold this.

Attaboy.

Now, look here.

You see there?

I see a "2."

There you go.

Wait a minute.

I remember everything. I remember coming in here.

I remember putting this thing on.

- I remember getting the shot. - Of course.

You have all of Doug's feelings and quirks...

all of his memories, right up to the moment of cloning.

But from now on, to whatever extent you have different experiences...

then you'll diverge.

What do I feed it?

- Am I a hamster? - Sorry.

Bad choice of words. I didn't mean that.

- I mean, it eats something. - He's a person, just like you.

We'll provide him with duplicate identification...

clothes to wear.

- You take care of the rest. - Yeah.

I'm gonna leave you two alone.

You'll have a lot to talk about.

I'll be in my office.

Astonishing.

What?

Nothing.

So...

Where you from?

All right. Stay down low. Really low.

Lower than this. What? You want me to get under the car?

Good. Laura's not home.

The mildew suite.

Don't worry. We'll fix this up.

I'm really gonna be living up here?

Well...

I mean, you can't live in the house with me and Laura.

How would that work?

Laura wakes up in the morning, rolls over and says...

"Doug, Doug, you two better get up 'cause y'all are gonna be late."

You know what I mean?

Don't worry about it. We'll clean some stuff outta here.

We'll put some rugs down, get a TV, stereo.

- It could be a cool place. - Hey! You know what we oughta get?

We oughta get one of those satellite dishes.

Get every sport going, all the movies.

I don't know about that.

What's that?

I don't know if Laura's gonna go for that.

Oh, man. You're whipped.

I'm not whipped.

- You're whipped, partner. - I'm not whipped.

- Fine. I'm whipped. - Hey! Some guys are whipped.

You're right. Anyway, we've got to get some kind of plan together.

Hey, look at this!

Think fast. Wear these till you get some of your own.

Hey! I don't wanna have to come over and kick your ass.

Come on. Get ready.

I don't want... Hold it!

Look at this. I wondered where this is.

It's a great coat.

- I love this old coat. - Now...

To be safe, always use the garden gate to come in and out of the alley.

- You should black out these windows. - Yeah. Good idea.

It's important we come up with a strategy for work.

Boy, between the two of us, we're gonna get a lot of stuff done.

- We're gonna kick some ass. - We're gonna be awesome.

We're gonna destroy Ted.

We must bring Ted down. We must crush Ted.

- I wanna get Ted... - Talk to me!

And I will break his little neck! Chest me! Come on!

Laura's home.

- Hey, Laura! - Hey, honey!

- Hi, babe. - Hey.

- Hey, Dad. - Zack, help me.

- Daddy! - Hey, you.

What are you doing up there?

I was just looking around for some old stuff.

- Hey, Dad. - Hey, buddy.

Wow. You look really beautiful today.

- I do? - Yeah.

- You guys wanna go to the pony rides? - Yeah!

- Maybe we'll go to the movies tonight. - Okay!

- You know, we could carpool. - No.

I could pick you up.

- Morning. - Doug! When did you get here?

6:00. Make copies of those? Half day today, Teddy?

It's not a half day.

- Let's meet now. What do you say? - Sure.

These are the status reports on the Palisades: projections, everything.

- When did you have time to do all this? - I suggest we do them every morning.

- You all right? You look tired. - I'm fine.

Del... two minutes, conference room. How about it?

Sure.

- Find out what he had for breakfast. - I'd be happy to.

- Morning, Franny. Meeting start yet? - I thought you were already in there.

How could I already be...

Did you see me?

I thought I did. But you were wearing a different shirt.

Yeah, I was.

I was wearing a different shirt. You know why?

I spilled coffee on it.

So I decided to go back to the truck while you were...

- In the ladies' room? - Perfect. And I figured I would...

get another shirt... which I keep for emergencies.

You never know what's gonna happen. You might spill coffee on it.

Like I did...

And I got my briefcase, which I needed for the meeting.

And I came back and forgot the meeting had started.

Shouldn't you go back in?

Yeah. I should. I'm going to.

But I gotta go get the original shirt which is probably dry now.

Truthfully, I like it better.

The next time you see me, I'll be coming out of the meeting...

right through the front in the original shirt.

- Are you okay? - No problem. Never been better.

Just great.

Just between you and me, forget it ever happened, okay?

Good morning. Del King Construction.

Is Doug Kinney there?

He's in a meeting. May I ask who's calling?

It's Carl.

- Who? - It's Roger.

Roger who?

Carl Rogerson. Tell him Carl Rogerson's calling.

- Phone call for you. - Thanks.

- What's going on? - Who the hell is this?

It's me. I mean, it's you. It's us. You know who it is.

Hold on a second. I'm gonna take this in my office.

Man. I'm too busy to talk to myself.

What's up?

- What are you doing there? - Where should I be?

You got up and just went to work? I looked for you and you were gone.

I thought the idea was I came to work so you could spend more time at home.

That's the idea. But we gotta discuss these things.

We gotta coordinate some stuff. You know what I mean?

- Anyway, how's it going? - Everything's under control.

Really?

I gotta get out to the Palisades. I gotta go, okay?

Then I'm gonna go by Sherman Oaks, check on that.

I already took care of it. Everything's fine.

I'll go to North Hollywood.

I'm gonna go by there on my way out to the Palisades.

- Reseda? - Already did it.

Wow.

I'll tell you what then.

What should I do?

I don't know, partner. Start living it up.

Have a good time. I gotta go. See you.

You think you're hot shit.

But you're not fooling anybody with this new "go-go" attitude.

Read me?

Got it.

I'm on top of you. I see you, my friend.

All right.

Frank.

Take this one.

Holy shit! Hey!

Hey! Occupado!

Ridgewood, two. Hike!

I got it!

What are you doing? Pick it up! Don't kick it!

It's not soccer!

Fall on it! Fall on the ball!

I got it!

Defense, let's go. Come on! Let's hustle!

I thought you couldn't come. Mom said you had to work.

You're playing, I'm coming. That's it.

- You looked good. - Thanks.

All right. Go sit with your team.

- All I'm saying... - Wait your turn!

I paid $160 and I don't wanna watch my kid sit and eat!

He played four downs. That's all I have to play him. Period!

Big deal! He's better than that!

Let go of the whistle!

I'm a lawyer, not just a coach.

I'll kick your ass all over this...

That's it. Get him away before I... Don't touch me!

Don't even get near touching me! Back off! I have had it!

- God! I don't need this. - You don't need it.

Don't pay attention to them.

- I'm doing the best I can. - That's all you can ask.

- I'm not getting paid or anything. - You could be out playing golf.

- I love golf. - I know.

I don't think these people know what they're talking about.

- You're the first guy who gets it. - I appreciate what you're doing.

You're doing a great job. Can I say something?

- Yeah. - You should think about...

a multiple-set, prostyle offense.

There are kids here who couldn't identify their parents in a lineup!

- That's why if you put Zack in... - Who's Zack?

- Zack's my kid. - Your kid? That does it!

- I've had it. Here you go, Lombardi. - Wait!

You turn this franchise around. See you in the Super Bowl.

Go change. I'd better get dinner right away.

- What are you doing? - Dad's cooking dinner.

- Spaghetti? - Yeah. Just like the old days.

Dad's the new football coach. He's great! We scored!

Really?

We got a good team. We're gonna be all right.

Zack, you and your sister go get washed up for dinner.

Come on. Let's go.

Thanks. Get going, honey.

- Thanks for coaching. - You got it.

So, how did you manage all this?

I thought you had a lot of work?

Not anymore.

Did you get fired?

No.

I just got tired of carrying that load, so I walked into King's office...

and I said, "You either give me some help or I'm walking."

Take a taste.

And what did he say?

What do you think he said?

I thought the guy was gonna cry. It was pitiful.

So he agreed to give me somebody to help out.

That's that. The guy's like an assistant.

I'm glad. Who?

You mean like, who's the guy?

He's just a guy... a new guy.

A new guy you don't know.

A really new guy you don't know.

- So you're saying is he's new. - Yeah.

But he's gonna run everything for me. So...

- And you trust him. - Yeah. I trust him.

I trust him like I trust myself.

That's great. What are you gonna do now?

Now?

I don't know.

Right now I thought I might... I might do this.

- I want you to take that new job. - My job?

- Really? You mean it? - Yes. I mean it.

Yes! That's great! All right!

Valerie said I can come in after I drop the kids at school.

I can leave by 3:00. So if you could just back me up occasionally.

- No problem. - Oh, Doug.

Let's get the kids to bed early tonight.

- What time is it now? - 6:15.

Kids! Bedtime!

Hey, Doug. Looking smug!

Vic, what time is it?

Time? It's 5:30 in New York.

That would make it 2:30 here.

- Why is your watch on New York time? - Funny story.

Bought it in New York and couldn't figure out how to reset it.

What time did I tell you to be here?

I'm not sure we agreed on a specific time.

We were real specific. 1:30.

In fact, I repeated it twice.

- Do you want solid or the laminates? - Laminates.

That is strange.

For some reason, 2:30 just stuck in my head.

I'd like to stick something else in your head.

You're fired.

Take your New York watch and fat L.A. ass and get out of here.

I'm getting somebody else.

- For being a few minutes late? - No.

That's not a few. Three, four... that's a few.

You were 60 minutes late.

That's not a few. Hit it.

Is this some kind of negotiating tactic?

- Let's go. - All right. I'm on my way.

Take your hands off me.

Now you're getting me mad. You've made a point.

It's registered. I un... What's happening now?

You guys on some kind of break?

Let's go!

- What got into you today? - Nothing.

You know how long I wanted to fire Vic? I was too much of a wimp to do it.

He's got like 34 kids, man.

'Cause he's been married like 17 times.

No dead weight on this job. What've you got there, Paul?

Thought you'd wanna look at these before we start...

Hold on a second. Yeah?

- Honey, it's me. - Yeah?

I need to work late. I hate to ask, but could you pick up the kids?

- Sure. Bye. - Wait. it's not that simple.

Jennifer has picture day at ballet class.

Really? So that'll be really cute.

You have to bring her home, give her a bath...

mousse her hair, get her in the outfit I picked out and get her there by 4:30.

- Can you do this? - Yeah. I can do it. See you.

Okay. Bye.

Hello?

You gotta pick up the kids, wash their hair...

take them to a dance and get a picture of them.

Wait a minute! I was just teeing off here.

Not today, pal. See you later.

Oh, man.

- I don't want a shower! I want a bath! - You don't have time!

I hate showers!

Zack, get her on that side. Contain!

These things! How do they get on here?

- You're going. - I'm not going!

All right. Let me see.

Turn around.

Good. I like it.

All right. Let's go. Zack!

Now, pli� and out.

Down and out.

Sorry we're late. We're here for the pictures.

Didn't anyone call you? The pictures were changed to tomorrow.

Seriously. We're here for the pictures.

That would be tomorrow.

Get a photographer down here now.

- Right now. - Okay.

I'll see what I can do.

Hello?

She's not here right now.

You wanna leave a message? Hold on a second.

Wait. Can you call back?

I have a little emergency here.

One of the kids just swallowed a spoon.

It was a little teaspoon. She'll be all right.

Thanks. Okay, great.

Jennifer! Keep it down, hon!

- He took it! - Give that back to her.

I'm telling you, Zack. Give it back to her!

- Doodyhead! - You're a doodyhead!

Hey! You're both doodyheads! Get up there! It's bath time.

Go up there and don't come out until you're married!

Can we have some cake?

Get up there!

I'm sorry I'm late. It's this one couple.

They keep wanting to see the same house.

It's all right. You look great.

We're both here.

Of course, sir. Right this way.

This is fun meeting like this. It's like we're having an affair.

We don't have time to have an affair.

Thanks.

I think he likes you.

Well, I'm fond of him too, but there's no future in it.

Besides, I have you.

Okay. What are we celebrating?

Well.

You know, I've been thinking.

This is just not working out.

- What? - This new arrangement.

I'm not getting anything done. I'm not getting any work done.

All I do is cook and I do laundry.

I pick up and drop off the kids, dress the kids, undress the kids...

and I clean up after them.

I've been doing that for ten years. You've been doing it for a month.

I know. But it comes more naturally to you.

How so?

Hon, you're a nurturer.

You know? You are.

First of all, you got the two X chromosomes.

And I got a couple of... I don't know what I have.

But it's scientifically proven. That's why you have breasts.

Look at me...

- I have nothing. - Just what are you saying?

This whole system isn't working. It's a dismal failure.

We have to go back to the way it worked: you taking care of the house...

which you do really well... and I have to do what I need to do.

And what do you need to do?

I gotta get back to work, and that's it.

No, actually, that's not it.

I love my job, and so far, I'm doing great at it.

Valerie said if I keep it up, she's gonna move me into estates.

So very soon I could be making a very good living.

I know this is hard for you, and I can imagine the day you've had...

but I am not quitting.

So we're just gonna have to work this out.

And that is it.

That's really funny. You think that's it.

Because that's not it.

The thing I said, that's it.

This thing that you just said... not it.

This is it.

I can't believe you lured me here for this.

This is the lowest thing you've ever done.

Excuse me. Can I have some water over here?

I didn't lure you into anything.

- Thanks. - I had no idea.

You tease me sometimes, and I kind of like it...

but I always assumed you were happily married.

I've been sleeping in the guest house for a month.

Oh, my God. Is it that bad?

Yeah, it's pretty bad.

She's sleeping with another guy.

And that is the God's honest truth.

It's over.

She doesn't even know I exist.

It must be so hard for you.

It is.

- Do you wanna come back to my place? - Yeah.

Look, I just thought...

Are you all right?

What's wrong? Are you all right?

This damn knee. It's an old football injury. Rose Bowl.

- You played? - No. I fell out of the bleachers.

- Is everything all right? - I'm good.

- Should I help you to the car? - No. it's okay.

- Let's get some dessert, huh? - You're still hungry?

Noreen, my life's a shambles.

I need pie.

Can you breathe? Should I Heimlich you?

- I'm fine. - I'll get you some more water.

- No! Laura! - What?

- Look at me. - Okay.

- How do I look? - Crazy.

See? Let's order.

Let's just order something to eat. We'll feel better.

- Excuse me. - Where are you going?

- Ladies' room. - I'll join you.

- What? - I'll join you in the men's' room.

I mean, I'll accompany you to the...

Forget it.

Boy, everything on here looks so good.

Doug, that's the wine list.

I thought, you know, "There's a lot of beverages on there."

Would you order for me? You know what I like.

Anything with a barbecue sauce.

What are you doing here?

What are you talking about? It's my favorite restaurant.

- I get a steak and... - I know that!

It was my favorite restaurant first! What are you doing with Noreen?

She's a colleague.

Business meeting. Just talking.

Don't give me that! You're up to something.

What are you talking about? What? Are you jealous?

You can't cheat on Laura!

I never even get to see Laura!

Look, this isn't working out.

What are you talking about?

This whole deal. We'll switch.

I'll go back to work and you'll help out around the house.

That's a better system. I think we oughta do that.

Yeah, right. I'm gonna hang around and do housework?

- Yeah... - I'm sorry. I thought you were joking.

No way in hell that's gonna happen. Not only that...

you've no idea what I've been doing for the past four weeks.

- You'd be lost. - I'd be... I got you the job.

What do you think, I'm a genie?

You rub a lamp and I pop out and do what you want me to do?

I got things I need to do too!

You chose the arrangement. I didn't!

Look, things change.

You took away my wife, my family. I've got no friends.

I'm alone in a garage. I got nothing but my job.

Okay. I did it.

All right? And now I'm doing the work you couldn't do.

I'm finally making it pay, so get off my back.

Down!

What? You never saw a guy wash another guy's face before?

Yes, of course.

Please, carry on.

That's it.

What are you doing?

A guy came in. I had to do something. Look...

I didn't know you felt that way. We'll work this out later.

In the meantime, I'll distract Laura. You get Noreen out of here.

This guy's in way over his head.

- I'm ready for dessert. - Good.

That's not your sport coat, is it?

Yeah. No! I switched with a guy in the men's' room.

We just traded. Guys will do that in the men's' room all the time.

- Let's get out of here. - I thought you wanted pie?

- No. The pie here sucks. - Oh, my God!

It's your wife!

May we join you?

- Have we met? - No.

- What happened to your shirt? - Huh?

Oh... Water spots.

I'll say.

I don't wanna fight about this.

Great. About what?

- My job. - Oh, yeah. Hell, no, honey.

We don't wanna fight about that. That'd be dumb.

Do you love me?

Of course, I love you.

Then kiss me.

Come on. Let's go! Come on!

- This way! - Hey!

Sorry!

Hey! That guy looks a lot like... Doug!

What are you doing?

- Will you stop it? - Hey!

- Toss that. - Doug!

Sorry. He's kissing her!

Go on!

- Come on! - Will you stop pushing?

It's the first half. Seven-seven, the score.

Indiana with the ball. Patterson back to throw.

- Hit him! - Got a man over the slant...

Out of nowhere...

Hey, can I talk to you for a second?

Sure. You wanna beer?

Sure.

Thanks.

Actually...

- I could use a couple. - Sure. Come on in.

Two...

I'd like you to meet Three.

Hi. How are you?

Hey. How are you?

Are you nuts?

- Are you mentally nuts? - No! I have the whole thing figured out.

Oh, man! What do we need him for?

He's going to help me with the kids and around the house.

And when you weren't busy with work, you guys could hang out together.

It would be fun, don't you think?

Oh, yeah. I'm giddy.

There's a lot of stuff we could do together.

You said you were lonely. I got you a friend, a buddy.

Where is he gonna stay?

Right here with you.

That way, you got a friend. You got a roommate.

Friend, roommate. One shot.

- Look at him. - Hi, roomie.

Hey! I got an idea. How about "no"?

Doug, he needs space. I'm gonna step outside...

- Stay here. - It's a shock.

The idea was for you to work so I'd have quality time with Laura and the kids.

Well, so far it's been low quality time.

Look, I just need to get a break so I can work on the house, for one thing.

Or maybe sit and think a single thought in quiet...

or maybe play golf once and a while.

Hey! I've been working since I was 12 years old.

- It's break time. - It is.

And I think that 12-year-old is saying, "Doug, how about a visit?

- You need time for Doug." - What a suck!

I'm not a suck. I don't know what a suck is.

- Let me explain it to you. - Please!

- Come on! For Doug. - Fine.

- There you go! - Go ahead, screw your life up.

- Thank you! - You're in way over your head.

You know, you are two good-looking guys.

I promise I'll make this up to you.

- Start by cloning Laura. - Yeah.

Yeah. Start by cloning... Can you imagine?

Bye! Have a good time. I am worried about him.

He is uptight.

Don't you think?

- He'll be all right. - I don't know.

That's a lot of ribs. Is that like a slab or something?

Kids, hurry up. We gotta get going. I'm gonna be late.

- Books, jackets. - I need to get my project.

Wait a second. I'll get the dishes, and I'll drive the kids to school.

You take a couple minutes for yourself.

Thanks.

That's all right.

Look...

the other night at the restaurant...

when I said I wanted you to quit your job?

Forget that whole thing. You've as much right to work as I do.

- You mean it? - I mean it.

I just want you to be happy.

When you come home, I'll give you a foot rub.

- Thanks. - You bet.

That's it. Perfect.

Round. Really perfectly round.

Hello?

How's it going?

Hi! Fine. Everything's okay. Making bread. Where are you?

- At the Laker game. - Good for you.

I meant to be home sooner, but I had a tremendous urge to stop at the game.

Good idea. Have yourself a good time.

It won't happen again. How's everything going?

- You heard from Two? - I think Two's still at work.

The guy is a horse! I promise I'll be home as soon as I can.

All right. Bye. See you.

What?

- What happened? - Nothing. It's okay.

I just had a terrible dream.

- What was it? - What?

- Your dream? - I don't know. I was sleeping.

Go back to sleep. Everything will be fine.

Don't worry.

- All right! Don't push me! - All right. What was that all about?

- What? - In the house! What's going on?

- Who won the game? - Don't give me "who won the game"!

Don't worry about who won the game. The Lakers won.

Van Exel hit a three-pointer. What were you doing in bed with Laura?

What?

Nothing. We were watching TV.

Laura said she was sleepy and wanted to go to bed. What was I going to say?

- I'm going to go sleep over the garage? - Wait a minute!

What do you mean, "she wanted to go to bed"?

What do you mean, "what do I mean"?

- You know what I mean! - What do you mean?

- Did you have sex with my wife? - Whoa! Did you?

No! I certainly did not!

Look, here was the plan: We'll go to bed together... which we did.

And when she'd fall asleep, I'd sneak out. But I dozed off.

And nothing happened.

She did roll over and kind of brushed me in that general region.

- Brushed you? - I mamboed out of there!

Brushed you in the general region? She shouldn't even be in the neighborhood!

He mamboed right out of the region.

Geez! All right!

Listen to me, both of you!

This is the number one rule.

This is unbreakable. You can't even try to bend this rule.

Nobody has sex with my wife but me.

- Talk to him. - Fabulous rule, Doug.

Nobody! No clone nooky.

- You're the man. - Great idea.

Original nooky only.

- Got it? - Your department.

- You're clear on the rule, right? - Yes, sir. Yes, you are.

- Got you, loud and clear. - It's locked in here.

- So did you? - No!

- Wimp. - Slob.

The mambo king.

Watch your stern there.

Hey, number eight. That's a boat, not a bathtub.

Jesus!

Did you enjoy sailing?

It wasn't really like sailing.

It was more like bumper cars.

Say, how about an "I sailed with Walt" T-shirt?

No, thanks. You don't happen to have any...

"I got a refund from Walt" T-shirts, do you?

- Sorry. - I didn't think so.

I'd really like to learn how to sail.

You have anything big enough to take my whole family...

and not end up like Gilligan?

I love that show.

Remember when they got stranded with the Harlem Globetrotters?

That was a good one. And believable too.

Ow! Holy moly!

- What the hell are you doing? - Geez, Louise!

- How many of you are there? - Hi, Doug.

That's our brother Doug. And that's Patty and Beth.

These are two girls. We were just dancing.

One's cuter than the next.

Are you as much fun as Lance and Rico?

You're Rico, I'm guessing.

Guess again, pal.

Even he can't tell them apart.

Look... Girls, can we have some privacy?

We have to have a little family meeting.

- I thought we were gonna have a party. - Wait a minute!

- You're kidding, right? - No, I'm serious.

- Maybe some other time. - Nice buzz kill.

- Are you a drag, or what? - I don't know.

Try to keep your voices down when you go out there, okay?

- It's important. - Sure.

Good night, Lance! Good night, Rico!

- Nice. - Thanks a lot.

The adventures of Lance and Rico.

Lance, where did you meet those two bims anyway?

They're the microwave girls at the A.M./P.M. mini mart.

They work at the store. They're clerks.

Well, the Slurpee girls were busy, I guess.

Look...

I stopped to pick up my dinner like I always do.

She offered to nuke my corn dog. What am I gonna say? No?

So, we came back here and had ourselves a party.

They actually happen to be two very nice young women.

Yeah, women being the key word here, Dougie.

Yeah, right. Look!

You can't just go out and meet some strangers and bring them up here!

Are we supposed to live like a couple of monks?

He makes a very good point.

Damn good point.

What are you doing?

What do you mean, what am I doing?

I'm splitting atoms. I'm having a smoke. What's it look like?

I can see you're having a smoke. What for?

What's it to you?

I spent a thousand dollars to quit, remember?

That's what it is.

Looks like it didn't take.

Don't ever blow smoke in my face again.

What are you gonna do about it?

I'll hit you so hard, I'll kill him.

Come on, guys.

Maybe we oughta sit down and have a rap session.

You're both feeling a lot of anger, and I'm afraid you're like two lions...

- Shut up. - Shut up.

I'm sorry.

Where's your aspirin?

Tylenol, Doug. It's less abrasive on the stomach.

It's in the kitchen above the cabinet.

I'll find it.

Look at this place. it's a mess. I can't leave you alone for a minute.

One, two, three, four.

Doug, if I might...

No, wait.

One, two, three...

four.

Twelve!

- Seven. - Doug, I'd like you to meet Four.

I got a wallet!

That guy gave it to me.

I'm gonna drive a car.

He's got a wallet.

Come here!

Come here. Where'd he come from?

He's gonna help us out around here a bit.

Do the day-to-day stuff.

Clean the house, mow the lawn, Take out the trash.

- Bullshit we don't have time to do. - Forget that.

What the hell's wrong with him?

Nothing.

You know, nothing really wrong.

You know, he's a little special.

He's fine. He'll be all right.

Yeah, he's special, all right.

What we did was we made a copy from Two.

You know how sometimes you make a copy of a copy...

it's not quite as sharp as the original.

That's kind of what happened. Leeds loved it.

He loved it because it was very experimental.

We got a great deal on him too. Very cheap.

Good. I'm glad Leeds loved it. 'Cause I hate it!

You can't just go around cloning people!

That's crazy!

Oh, man!

All right, listen up. Listen really clearly to me.

Rule number two.

First of all, we all remember rule number one.

- No sleeping with your wife. - It's in here. I got it.

All right. That's important.

Rule number two. No more Dougs. That's it.

This is plenty.

I'm gonna call Leeds in the morning.

We're out of the Doug-making business.

Store's closed. Am I clear?

- Yeah. - Am I clear on this?

- Got it. - Book is closed on that one.

I like pizza.

I like it!

We're gonna need a cage.

Bye, Steve.

Good party.

I like Steve.

How'd it go?

Oh, man, I'm telling you. This is great.

He was fantastic.

You want some really great sailing?

Grab Mrs. Doug, get her down here tomorrow morning...

and come to Catalina with Robin and me on my big boat.

You should think about it. I think you'd like it.

I'm telling you, we cruise into Avalon Harbor at sunset...

a couple of bottles of champagne on board.

We leave you alone. You make love right on the boat.

Most romantic thing in the world.

Think about Catalina.

Yeah, maybe. I'll call you.

Honey? May I do that? Would you mind?

- This? - I just wanna show you something.

See, first of all, this piece of aluminum foil?

It's too small, see? You can't cover it all.

What's gonna happen? Air's gonna get in there.

Then you get that little hard crust around the meat.

It gets real brown and dark, and nobody wants to eat that.

We're gonna fold this up and save this. We can use it later.

Or, Christmastime comes around, we might make a nice ornament outta that.

That's what I like to do. By the way, save those fries.

I'm thinking of stringing them, paint them and string them around the tree.

Kids'll love that.

Okay, look here. I'm gonna take a new, fresh piece.

Like so. Right there.

Now I'm gonna fold it up on one side, like that, make sure we're even.

Then, I fold once, I fold twice, or three times...

Whatever you need to fold it. Sometimes people roll it over.

I don't like that. You get that lump across the center...

that rolls around in the fridge.

I fold it nice and flat, and no air gets in there.

Because air's our enemy, isn't it?

Take this, tuck, tuck, fold.

T.T.F.: Tuck, tuck, fold.

Two tucks and a fold. I just think of Elizabeth Taylor.

Then I remember a tuck here, a fold there. Makes it simple.

Now we roll over, nice and flat. There we go.

We got it. No air's gonna get in there.

We could send this little guy off to NASA and nothing would happen.

Look here. Put the lid on, burp.

There you are.

That's very nice.

It's very nice.

Doug, I've been noticing things about you lately...

and I'm starting to think that maybe...

What?

Nothing.

Go like this.

Go...

Can I just do something here?

See what that does?

That just frames you better, and here it gives you height.

Honey...

why don't you go relax and let me finish cleaning up?

Why? I...

Okay. All right. You sure?

I'm sure.

Freezer.

Second shelf, over to the left with all the other meat products...

unless it's in a skin casing, like your franks and sausages and kielbasa.

That goes lower in the bin.

Oh, boy! Man! That was a great meal, honey.

- Great. - You cooked it.

Yeah, but, you know, you ate it.

Doug, were you wearing that shirt earlier?

This? Yeah.

- I'm losing it. - Yeah, sure.

Dad, watch this.

Wow! Great. Let me show you how to walk the dog.

You just showed me before dinner.

I did? Oh, right!

That's right, I did. I forgot.

You guys wanna go out and get some ice cream?

Unless we already did.

Doug, did you decide?

Did I decide what?

What we've been talking about.

You said you'd think about it and let me know.

I did. I gave it a lot of thought. I thought about it a lot, babe.

What did you think?

Well, you know...

after thinking about it and giving it a lot of thought...

I think whatever you think is probably the smartest thing to do.

You're smart. You have great ideas.

Please, honey. Don't put this all on me. They're your kids too.

Can I say something?

I really thing we ought to leave the kids out of this.

What do you mean? You want to go to Disney World without the kids?

No!

I certainly don't wanna do that. That's not fair to the kids.

Go all the way down there, just you and me riding those rides. It's stupid.

Can I ask you something? When is it we're going to Disney World?

Christmas. I bought nonrefundable tickets to Orlando.

You bought nonrefundable tickets to Orlando? Are you nuts?

- You told me to go ahead and buy them. - Not me.

- Then who? - Not me.

God, Doug, you're driving me crazy!

I call the office, and you bite my head off.

Other times you're as sweet as can be.

And then one minute you're obsessing about every little detail.

Then the next you seem so completely out of it...

like you don't even know what I'm talking about.

What's going on with you?

Nothing's wrong with me. Absolutely nothing's wrong with me.

My God.

You could have bipolar disorder or multiple personalities.

Hon, let's sail to Catalina.

- What? - Come on. It'll be great.

We'll sail right into the harbor at sunset.

We'll drink some wine. We'll make love right on the boat.

- It'll be great. - Doug, you don't sail.

I drink and I make love. The sailing thing...

I can figure that out. How hard can it be?

- We can't just go sailing to Catalina. - Why not?

Let's just be spontaneous. We'll leave the kids with your parents.

We used to do stuff like this.

You're the one who says, "Let's go down to Ecuador...

and throw harpoons with Peruvian basket people and stuff."

Yeah, but that's just talk.

Well, let's just go. Why can't we? Why not?

Why not? Your job, my job.

Jennifer's dance recital. The Donaldson's anniversary party.

- I'm not going to the Donaldsons. - You said you were.

- When? - This morning.

When you figure out what you want, would you just let me know?

- Hello? - In here, Doug.

Three?

Can I talk to you for a second?

Sure.

- What's up, Doug? Everything okay? - I've gotta go away for a couple days.

- Really? - Yeah, it's a business trip.

- I handle the business. - Yeah, he handles the business, Steve.

Okay, fine. it's not a business trip.

I need to get away by myself and figure some things out.

- Do you understand? - You need to get centered.

I understand. That's a good idea. You deserve that.

Thank you. I need to get centered.

I need you to cover for me days and nights.

Whoa.

Nights? What about rule number one?

Yeah, what about rule number one? What's rule number one?

Hey, "Rain Man." Run back in there and floss yourself, all right?

I already thought of that. Rule number one still stands.

Do you remember when I had that bronchial infection?

- Oh, sure. That was nasty. - You got it again.

Just cough a lot and tell her you're really, really sick...

and you don't want her to catch it, okay?

And keep your distance. Can you handle that?

I've got a sore throat and a fever. Okay.

Hey, Doug, you want me to handle it?

No. Thanks, though.

Hey, I'm just trying to help out.

Is he safe with that razor?

Yeah. We take the blade out.

Two and I shave him at night while he's sleeping.

It's cute, I think.

All right.

- Hey, I'm counting on you. - Okay, Doug.

All right?

- Hey, Walt. - Hey, ahoy, Doug.

- Where's your wife? - She couldn't make it.

Don't you wanna wait until she can come with you?

You know what? She'll probably come next time.

- Then come on aboard. - All right. Great.

- Wanna give me a hand with these? - Sure.

I'm sorry about last night.

I understand why you wanted us to go away together.

You do? Good.

It did sound romantic, but we don't have to go away to make love.

- Honey. - You all right?

No. I think I'm really coming down with something here.

I've got a lot of phlegm.

Oh, gee! I'm burning up.

I think I've come up with a fever or something.

Maybe it's a better idea if we don't get too close tonight.

- I'm not worried. - I don't want you to get sick.

I just think maybe... Hey, you know what?

Maybe if you'd not do that, 'cause I don't...

Oh, honey!

It might be a good idea if I just go down and sleep in the den.

Just relax.

Hey, what do you hear from your parents?

How are they?

I'm really feeling sick.

I'm gonna make you feel better.

I guess you weren't as sick as you thought.

No. I guess not.

That was so unusual.

I've never seen you cry like that before.

You know...

That one time when the souffl� fell...

but besides that, I don't know, I guess I was just moved by it all.

You know what I want now?

No.

Graham crackers and chocolate milk.

Good.

- You want some? - No, thanks, honey.

I've had plenty.

- I'll be right back. - Okay.

What have I done?

Hey, Mister Wizard.

Who ate all the bologna?

Burglars.

What'd you do, eat everything in the house?

Count Chocula?

No, thanks.

All right, that's it.

I'm starving.

I'm sneaking into that house and get something to eat.

Oh, Doug! You startled me.

Change your mind?

Yeah, I did. I changed my mind, I think.

Want some?

You taste good.

You taste pretty good yourself.

Remember when we used to make love all over the house?

Oh, yeah.

I remember.

Boy, am I... Aren't you hungry?

You know, I could... I don't know about you...

but I could go for one of these canned hams.

Oh, man!

Wait a minute. I don't know if this is really, you know...

the worst idea in the world.

Oh, wait a minute.

Look.

I don't know if we should do this, 'cause I've got...

Oh, man, I've got a really bad cough.

Of course, it could clear up in a second.

- Doug? - What?

I want you.

Wait. I...

I'm not so sure. Okay.

Wait. Grab that.

That was athletic.

That was better than the Stairmaster.

Well, I guess I got a little carried away.

- You all right? - Yeah.

Shouldn't we go back upstairs?

Yeah. I guess. Here.

Thanks.

Oh, geez, Laura. I almost forgot.

There's some things down here I gotta take care of.

Okay, honey.

- I'll be up in a minute! - Doug, the kids!

Oh, Doug! I forgot to shut the windows on the Volvo.

It's gonna be soaked. Do you mind?

No problem, hon. I'll get it.

Sorry about yelling with the kids and everything, honey!

Oh, baby!

You're drenched!

I'm so sorry.

Come upstairs. What was I thinking...

sending you out in the rain without you feeling good?

Sweetie, you're soaking.

Come on and get out of those wet clothes.

My goodness! You're just...

Wet. Let me dry you off.

I am so sorry. I was so, so selfish.

Let me help you with those pants.

Wow!

Again?

Well.

My peppy.

I see.

Well...

so much for rule number one.

It was a hell of a ride, wasn't it?

Maybe we'll get the onshore wind tomorrow.

That ought to make things a little easier.

You really ought to sit up. You're gonna start feeling sick again.

Sorry I hurled on your dog, man.

- It's okay. Not the first time. - No, thanks.

You know, Doug, some people really shouldn't sail.

Yeah, maybe not.

That was pretty miserable there for a while.

You know, it wasn't just the getting sick part.

When I was down there with my head in the...

well, in the head...

my whole life actually flashed before my eyes.

There it was.

The funny part is...

I wasn't in it.

I gotta get back into my life.

I have no idea what the hell you're talking about.

- But good luck to you. - Well, thanks.

One-o-three?

You're not going anywhere today, Mr. Flu Bug.

- You're not going anywhere, Steve. - I gotta go.

The building inspector's coming today.

You're too sick to go anywhere. I just won't...

Del King.

Del? Hi, it's Doug.

How you doing?

Well, not too good as it turns out.

I don't think I can make it in today.

Why don't you just reach down my throat and pull out my liver?

Gee, Del. Being a little dramatic, aren't you?

If we don't get inspected today that guy won't be back for a month!

I understand. But I'm really, really just under the weather here.

Can't you get someone else to meet him?

Nobody knows this job like you do. Look.

Stop screwing around, get your ass down there or start looking for another job!

Nice attitude, Del.

- He said... - Yeah, I heard him.

I gotta get down there.

- You can't go. - I gotta go.

- Maybe I'll just lay down for a while. - You're not going anywhere.

Four, take care of him. I'm going to work.

Sorry, Steve. That leg's gonna have to come off.

All right.

These are the water pipes.

And you've got hot and cold both available in all the units.

Which is really, you know, really nice.

What is this? This looks like...

And it is. It's the gas line. That's gonna be your gas line...

which would feed natural gas to all the appliances...

which would require natural gas.

You're not answering the inspector's question.

I'm sorry. What was the question?

The plan showed two-inch gas lines...

Whoa. Go like this. Go... Right here. You go something.

That's it. You got it. You had a little something...

I wanna know why you only went with one-inch.

Oh, that's right. I remember.

So what's the answer?

Can you excuse me?

- What? - Hi.

Why did you use one-inch gas lines instead of two?

'Cause... Knock it off!

Because the original calcs were based on kitchens with two ovens.

King cut it back to one to save money.

Got it. I remember.

I remember now. The original plans called for two ovens.

Somebody decided to cut back to just the one.

To save money, I guess. I don't know about you fellas...

but I personally like a double oven.

Sure, there's a lot of bending.

But if you got a turkey in the bottom and maybe some rutabaga or something...

I don't know, anything cooking on the top.

It's nice if you like to entertain, which I do.

But you're still stubbed out for two.

What if some future occupant decides to put in a second oven?

Well... You hate me?

I don't know.

- Hold on a second. - This is ridiculous.

- Wait. - The guy can't answer...

a few simple questions about a job?

Running off into another room every two minutes.

- You know what that usually means? - Alcohol and drugs.

God knows what he's been doing on the job here.

All right. Here's how it works.

Even with the extra demand of the oven...

we took the laundry rooms off this line and ran a separate line down the back.

Which line is feeding the gas fireplaces now?

Thinking.

Boy, does he ask some tough ones.

That's it! This guy doesn't know what he's doing!

Wait a second there, mister.

You're entitled to your opinion...

but I don't think it's fair to judge anyone...

based on one very superficial conversation.

Do you, Del?

I'm notifying the building commissioner.

- No! - Kinney. Doug Kinney.

You will stop all work right where it is until further notice.

I'll be back in about three weeks.

I suggest you get your act together if you wanna keep your license.

- Three weeks? - And get that man some help.

You what? You got fired?

Just come home.

Doug, what are you doing home?

- Are you sick? - Yeah.

We got any Pepto-Bismol?

- What about your big inspection? - My big inspection.

Well, I guess I missed it, didn't I?

I thought it was so important. I rearranged everything so you could go.

So, Laura, what are you, some kind of saint?

What do you want me to do, give you a medal?

That makes me feel better.

I guess you've been under a lot of pressure lately.

But when you talk to me like that, I think you mean it...

and it hurts me.

Now, something is happening lately...

and I feel like I don't know you anymore.

And it scares me, Doug.

You know...

you go along day after day...

and you tell yourself that your problems aren't serious.

They're normal. They happen to everyone.

Or you hope that they'll just go away by themselves.

But they don't.

It's like this house.

You always said you would fix it up.

No matter what it was, "I'll fix it," you said.

But nothing ever gets fixed.

I need to know what you're feeling.

I need to know if you still love me.

Doug, please, just tell me what you want.

I want pizza.

What?

I want pizza.

Give me some pizza.

Take it easy.

Thanks for sailing with us.

Good-bye. Watch your step.

Are you guys crazy?

What are you doing? What if Laura walks in?

- Not much chance of that, sport. - Yeah, not much chance of that, Rick.

Where is she?

She left you.

What?

Yeah, nothing but taillights.

She's gone, Doug. I'm sorry.

She took the kids, packed her bags and went to her mother's.

They're in Palm Springs.

Doug, I'm so sorry.

Do you want something to eat?

Forget that! Wait a minute! What happened with Laura?

We had a fight.

You had a... What are you even talking to her for?

It's complicated. I was pissed off over getting fired.

You got fired?

I didn't. He did.

You've been doing this for ten years.

You can't answer a few simple, basic questions?

- Simple questions? - Yeah, simple.

- It was like being on "Jeopardy"! - These are basic instructions.

They were grilling me. You did nothing to specifications.

Knock it off!

- Dick. - Puke-face.

Did you bring me a monkey?

Oh, man.

There's something else I think you should know.

What?

Well...

it's about rule number one.

What about rule number one?

Well, crazy thing. We had to bend it a little.

I'd say we bent it a lot.

Damn near broke the thing off.

Did you sleep with my wife?

- Hey, let's have some rice cakes and... - Did you?

I'm sorry, Doug. She's a powerful woman.

Hey! Take it easy!

- She thought he was you. - She did, Doug.

The fact is...

she thought I was you too.

What?

Hey, we're not perfect.

I don't believe this.

I leave you guys alone for one day...

and you totally destroy my life.

We didn't destroy your life, slick. You did.

As a matter of fact, we were trying to save it for you.

We were doing pretty good too. We just had one bad day.

One really bad day.

We tried, Doug. We really did. It was a nightmare.

She was unstoppable. It was unbelievable.

She couldn't get sat...

She touched my peppy, Steve.

I don't understand this.

We've had fights before, but...

Why did she leave?

You don't fix stuff.

What?

You always say you're gonna fix stuff, and then you don't fix stuff.

Did Laura say that?

Maybe.

Did you talk to Laura before she left?

Maybe.

I don't remember.

Maybe this will refresh your memory.

Where do you put all that stuff?

Did you? Come on. Talk to me. Did she tell you something?

She talked to me a lot.

She was afraid, and she cried.

Oh, geez. She cried?

She cried because...

I don't fix anything.

She's scared.

Oh, man.

She's scared.

Hey, I'm gonna buy you a present for this.

A chain saw?

Or a book.

Something really nice. I promise.

Come on up. I'm spitting on bugs.

- What's going on? - I need you guys to help me.

- What are you doing, Doug? - Putting my life back together.

Come on. Let's go.

- About time. - Poly blend. Well...

- Hey, Steve, can I help? - Grab me that plastic, would you?

- Good morning, Vic. - Doug.

You said to be here at 8:30. I'd like you to note the time.

- 9:15. - What?

What the hell's the matter with... This thing drives me nuts!

That's all right. Come on. Hey, look.

I just wanna tell you I'm sorry I spoke to you the way I did.

I still think you're the best cement man in the business.

- Really? - No, but I gotta get this done...

and no one else is available.

Well, I can accept that. You got your own guys?

Yep.

- Okay. Let's go to work. - Fair enough.

Wow! Okay! You heard him!

I made some real tasty sandwiches if you want one.

Oh, great.

Tuna with curried mayonnaise.

Ooh, I like that.

I know. That's why I made them.

- Let me ask you something. - Sure.

You know the other night...

when you were...

when you were with Laura?

Doug, I'll tell you something.

When that woman wants something, Doug, there is no stopping her.

And strong? Does she work out? Because...

Okay. All right.

I don't wanna know any of the specifics.

No. I know.

- It's just that... - Do you think...

Do you think she liked you...

you know, more than she likes me?

Of course not, Doug!

First of all, Doug, you are me.

I am you. Do you understand?

Yeah, that's right.

Yeah, sure, you know.

I'm me. You're me. I'm you.

I know she loves you.

You know...

I wasn't really there for her, I think.

I mean, even...

Even when I was there, I wasn't there.

You know?

Remember what you said to me about quality time with Laura and the kids?

Trust me. it's all quality time.

Yeah, that's for sure.

All right, now. You have to brush your teeth, okay?

And don't forget your books and your jackets.

Grandpa's gonna take you to school, and I'll pick you up.

- Say good-bye to me. - Bye, Mommy.

Dad! Did you come to take us home?

Yep.

You guys go in the house and let me talk to Daddy?

You can see Daddy later.

- Bye, Daddy. - See you later.

Come on, you guys. Hurry up.

- So, how was the desert? - Oh, it was great.

It was just what I needed.

'Cause, you know, I saw on the weather...

that it was like 175 degrees.

It was a little hot.

All right, look, Laura. Here's the deal.

I'm gonna ask you to come back home, okay?

But I'm not gonna plead with you.

Don't expect that. If you say yes, great.

But I'm not gonna stand out here in front of all these neighbors and beg.

Don't expect me to do that. Come home, great. You don't, fine.

- Doug, I just don't think... - Please, Laura!

Stop that! Get up!

Why didn't you talk to me? I gave you a chance.

- It was just so mean. - That wasn't me.

That's just the point. You've been acting like a lunatic lately.

Listen, I just got a little confused about who I was.

All right, I got real confused about who I was.

Hon, look, it's happened to you. You wanna be a mom...

but you also wanna work.

You wanna be completely independent...

but you need to be taken care of a little, right?

Yes.

- It gets confusing, doesn't it? - Yes.

Please come home with me for just a minute so I can show you something.

- Doug, I just... - Come on. Just for a minute.

Oh, it's beautiful!

See?

This is perfect.

Great, right?

- The wall's gone. - Yeah.

It's just like I dreamed. It's...

- Oh, Doug. - So glad you like it.

It's so pretty.

How did you do this?

Well, I had some of the boys pitch in and help me out, you know?

Got some of the guys to do some work and just got it done.

If you put your mind to it, I think you can do anything.

So, what do you think?

I think it's a miracle.

It's good, right?

I told you I'd finish it. I just needed the time to get it done.

You know what? I'm thinking of starting my own contracting business.

What do you think?

That way, I could set my own hours and pace myself.

I mean, I don't wanna do anything big.

I'm gonna start off with small jobs.

Bird houses and mailboxes.

Stuff like that.

That'd be nice.

Man.

I love you so much.

I mean, I just like...

I just really love you.

Whatever I do...

whatever you need to do...

as long as we're both rowing the same boat, right?

We'll be fine, don't you think?

Yeah, I think.

Me too.

- Bye, honey. - Bye, Daddy!

So, where you guys headed?

Wherever the road takes us, Doug.

We're thinking about maybe going down to Florida.

Stop off at Vegas, of course.

Hey, we're gonna eat a dolphin!

Hey, Lenny, you're not gonna eat a dolphin, pal. You're gonna pet one.

Oh, yeah. That's right.

We're gonna pet one. We're gonna pet a dolphin.

You gonna be all right?

- Yeah, we're gonna be all right. - We're gonna be fine, Doug.

Don't worry.

How about you? You gonna be all right?

Yeah, I'm gonna be fine.

Wow.

Hey, I'll tell you one thing:

You're three good-looking guys.

- Thanks. - When he's right, he's right.

Well, I guess.

Okay, man.

I'll see you.

- Bye, Doug. - See you, Steve.

Mom, if a T Rex fought with a tank...

who do you think would win?

I don't know, honey. I'm not really...

You know how you can tell when you really love someone?

How?

When everyone you see reminds you of them.

Dear Doug: Greetings from sunny Miami.

Well, I'm happy to report that we've been open for six months now...

and business is really booming.

Two is so happy, because in this job...

he gets to meet so many new people every day, and, well...

you know how nice he can be when he wants to be.

Let's bump chests.

As for me...

I am cooking up a storm and having a ball.

Pizzas are selling like crazy.

They just can't seem to get enough of my pepperoni.

And Doug, you would be so proud of Four.

He's working two jobs now and doing very well.

In the morning, he delivers newspapers.

And then the rest of the day he delivers pizzas for us.

Hey, pizza!