Original subtitles

[theme music]

[music playing]

[cheering and applause]

[beeping]

FAN: Gisella!

We love you!

We love everything you do!

GISELLA: I love you, too darlings!

Every single one of you!

[blows kisses]

[cheering and applause]

GISELLA: Oh! Driver!

There's something wrong with the car!

Help!

Oh!

DRIVER: Oh, I'll help you, Gisella, right after you

answer a few simple questions.

GISELLA: Oh, uh.

[bell rings]

CLOVER: Here it is, girls!

The premier issue of Yes!

Way!

ALEX: Oh!

A full-length on-the-record interview

with supermodel Gisella!

Hope it's juicy.

SAM: She says the secret to her long figure

is that she only eats long, skinny foods,

like licorice and spaghetti.

ALEX: Hm.

Maybe I should have gotten an ice

cream bar instead of a dish.

CLOVER: See?

Information you can really use.

That's what I call investigative journalism.

MANDY: Isn't it time you traded in that bogus gossip

for the real kind?

Say hello Reality or Risque!

The hot new game where you have to reveal your secrets

or face a challenge.

SAM: Reality or risk?

Sorry to burst your bubble head, Mandy,

but Truth or Dare has been around for ages.

MANDY: Excuse me!

Were you not listening?

This game is not Truth or Dare.

It comes from France, and it has a fancy carrying case!

Now, who wants to go first?

SAM: Oh, forget it, Mandy!

We're not interested in your stupid game!

MANDY: Of course you are!

And the first player is--

CLOVER: Ah!

MANDY: Clover!

Reality or Risque?

CLOVER: Reality.

MANDY: How many boys have you kissed this week?

CLOVER: Um, five.

No, no, no, wait, six.

[sam and alex laugh]

What?

MANDY: Sam is next.

Reality or Risk?

SAM: Reality.

MANDY: Oh!

What is the name of the first boy you ever kissed.

SAM: Lloyd Bradley.

Sixth grade.

Our braces got stuck together.

MANDY: [snorts] Charming. OK.

One more spin.

Alex!

Reality or Risque?

ALEX: Reality.

MANDY: Oh!

[laughs] What is the name of your very best friend.

ALEX: Clover and Sam.

Duh!

[buzzer sounds]

MANDY: You have to choose one!

ALEX: No, I don't!

I like them both the same.

MANDY: If you refuse to answer the reality,

then you have to take the risk.

ALEX: Fine, I'll take the risk then.

MANDY: Good!

Then risk losing a friend by telling

the name of your very best one!

ALEX: Forget it!

I'm not going to chose between Sam and Clover just

because of your stupid game.

MANDY: Wow, she's really angry.

Must have something to hide.

SAM: Alex, wait.

MANDY: Hey, is anyone going to finish this ice cream?

CLOVER: Alex, calm down.

We would never let anything Mandy says come between us.

SAM: Yeah, Alex.

You know we'll always stick together no matter wha--

[spies screaming]

JERRY: Sorry for the interruption, ladies.

However, knowing your over-developed tendencies

towards celebrity worship, I don't think you'll mind.

ALEX: Hey!

That's Jackson John's private glass jet!

SAM: Jackson John?

As in the slightly kooky, totally reclusive, pop singer?

ALEX: He's not kooky.

He's the best.

Music really speaks to me.

CLOVER: You and a bunch of old people.

I mean, hello?

Over-the-hill much?

JERRY: Spies, please.

The artistic merits of Mr. John's music

are none of WOOHP's concern.

His attempted abduction, however, is.

ALEX: Oh!

JERRY: It appears that Mr. John was attacked by a man

impersonating his pilot.

Luckily, he showed some moxie and was able to escape.

CLOVER: Who would try such a weird kidnapping?

JERRY: I don't know.

And neither does Jackson John.

Which is why he's hired you to find out.

ALEX: Meaning we're going to JJ Land ranch?

JERRY: Yes.

SPIES: Awesome!

SAM: I thought you said he was for old people.

CLOVER: I thought you said he was kooky.

JERRY: Now, your gadgets.

Gladys?

GLADYS: Today you'll be receiving titanium drill heel

boots, net-throwing, extendable rod mascara,

and the always fashionable earring communicators--

now with faux sapphire bauble.

JERRY: Just one more thing, spies.

If it's not too much trouble, would

you mind asking Jackson John for his autograph for me-- my, my--

[laughs] Ahem!

My niece?

ALEX: Sure thing, Jer!

[laughs]

JERRY: Very good then.

Off you go.

[music playing]

SAM: Hey, Alex?

You know when I said that Jackson

John was a little bit kooky?

You know that was no reflection on you, right?

Because best friends can have differences of opinion

on stuff like that.

ALEX: Um, sure Sam.

CLOVER: Hey, Alex!

You know I wasn't suggesting you are

out of touch when I said Jackson John was for old people, right?

I mean, just because we're best friends doesn't mean

we have to agree all the time.

ALEX: OK, Clover.

SAM: Hey! What are you guys talking about?

CLOVER: Nothing.

Just a private conversation between two best friends!

SAM: Really?

The don't you think the best friend should be included?

ALEX: Oh!

Hey look an elephant!

SAM: Nice try, Alex.

ALEX: No, really!

Look!

An elephant, and an emu, and some monkeys.

It's the JJ Land zoo!

[fireworks]

SAM: Hey!

Somebody's shooting at us!

Look out!

[fireworks continue]

CLOVER: Oh!

[spies crying out]

CLOVER: Quick!

Get on the ground and take cover!

[fireworks booming]

SAM: Hey!

Those aren't explosions.

They're fireworks.

JACKSON JOHN: It's a regular Tuesday

afternoon event, actually.

You three must be the agents from WOOHP.

I'm Jackson John.

ALEX: Mr. John, I can't believe we're really meeting you!

JACKSON JOHN: Call me JJ.

ALEX: Ah!

SAM: Like we couldn't tell.

Thought it's usually the bad guys

who have the crazy costumes.

ALEX: [laughs]

SAM: That was quick thinking the other day, JJ.

You had a narrow escape.

JACKSON JOHN: Yeah.

It was close.

I nearly had my privacy invaded.

I'm sure whoever it was will try again.

CLOVER: Don't worry JJ. We'll take it from here.

We'll start by searching every inch of the ranch

to make sure it's safe.

ALEX: Shouldn't one of us stay with JJ.

What if someone tries to take him while none of us is around?

SAM: Here, take this earring.

It's really a communicator, and you can

call us if you're in trouble.

JACKSON JOHN: Brilliant!

I'll be in my aromatherapy chamber.

Make yourselves at home.

CLOVER: OK, spies.

If this bad guy is still on the ranch,

we may as well try to lure him out disguised as Jackson John.

[whirring]

ALEX: Think these disguises will get the bad guy's attention?

SAM: I think they'd get anybody's attention.

Come on.

[slurping and gulping]

Everything at the amusement park is normal, I guess.

What about you, Clover? [monkey screeching]

CLOVER: Other than the fact that there's

a monkey on my shoulder, everything's peachy.

Alex?

ALEX: All quiet at the JJ Land train station.

Maybe I'll take a ride, you know, to look for signs

of trouble around the estate.

Ah!

[grunts] Uh, oh!

Clover, Sam!

I just found some trouble!

SAM: Hang on, Alex!

We're on our way.

BAD GUY: Good afternoon, Mr. John.

Now, let's try this again, shall we?

ALEX: Ah!

BAD GUY: Now, Mr. John, how much plastic surgery have you had?

ALEX: None!

I like myself the way I am.

BAD GUY: Odd.

And how much did you spend on apparel, last week?

ALEX: Let's see.

I bought a really cute skirt, and a new pair of Mary Janes.

About $80.

BAD GUY: [gasps] You're not Jackson John!

ALEX: No!

I'm Alex, a WOOHP agent, and two more of us

are coming to catch you!

[train blares]

SAM: He's moving too fast for us to jump on.

CLOVER: We've got to try!

That creep is kidnapping Alex!

[grunts] Sam!

Use your bungee belt!

BAD GUY: [grunts]

CLOVER: Ah!

[screams]

SAM: [grunts] Whoa!

SAM AND CLOVER: [scream]

ALEX: Help me!

CLOVER: Oh!

That guy is in for a major butt kicking!

Ow!

And he better not hurt Alex, or he's really in trouble!

SAM: Huh?

Hey!

Look at this!

Y- W?

Shouldn't the uniforms in JJ Land have a JJ on them?

CLOVER: Sam!

That is the Yes!

Way! logo.

Let's see what WOOHP knows about this rag.

JERRY: Hello, spies.

How goes the mission?

Mr. John still safe?

CLOVER: He's fine, Jer.

But Alex has just been kidnapped.

We think the bad guy is connected to Yes!

Way! Magazine.

JERRY: Yes! Way!

Hm, let's see. Ah!

Yes. Here we are.

Cyril Hearsay, a former celebrity bodyguard,

used his connections to open his own magazine with headquarters

right in Beverly Hills.

SAM: Then I guess we know where we need to go.

JERRY: I'll send you the WOOHP chopper.

CLOVER: Cool!

[chopper whirring]

[beeping]

SAM AND CLOVER: [grunting]

[drill whirring]

SAM: Kiai!

Wow!

Looks like somebody stopped the presses.

CLOVER: Hey!

Here's something weird.

It doesn't look like printing equipment.

It looks like a chemistry set.

SAM: I think I found the formula for whatever's

in those beakers, Clover.

It's some kind of truth serum.

CLOVER: Hey!

So that's how Yes!

Way!'s been getting all the good celeb dirt.

Cyril just kidnaps them, and uses his truth serum

to make them spill their guts.

If only he had some kind of record of where

he might be holding Alex.

[button beeps]

SAM AND CLOVER: Alex!

SAM: Are you OK, Alex?

ALEX: I'm perfectly fine.

Except that Cyril gave me a blast of his truth serum,

so I have to tell the truth.

CLOVER: Oh!

You do, do you?

Maybe you could tell us the name of your oldest

and dearest friend?

ALEX: Sure, that would be Ollie.

SAM: Ollie?

CLOVER: Ollie?

CYRIL HEARSAY: Another shocking true story uncovered at Yes!

Way! magazine.

CLOVER: Cyril Hearsay?

CYRIL HEARSAY: In the flesh.

SAM: Your gossip-mongering days are over Hearsay!

You will never use your truth serum on anyone again.

CLOVER: Yeah!

From now on, celebrity gossip will

be about rumors and innuendo, just like it should be.

CYRIL HEARSAY: And just how are you ladies going to stop me?

ALEX: Well, they're probably catch you in their mascara

net-launchers, break me out of here

with their drill-heel boots, and then call for back up

with their x-powders.

SAM AND CLOVER: [gasp] Alex!

ALEX: [chuckles] Sorry guys.

CYRIL HEARSAY: Let me tell you about the magazine

business, ladies.

It all starts with newsprint.

[sam and clover scream]

CYRIL HEARSAY: Then you add some ink.

[ink splashes]

[sam and clover scream]

CYRIL HEARSAY: And finally, there's the shrink wrap.

[button buzzes]

CYRIL HEARSAY: There.

All ready for delivery.

CLOVER: You better quit before you do something you'll regret,

Cyril! Your

CYRIL HEARSAY: Regret?

I don't think so.

In fact, now that I've met Alex, I can eliminate the competition

by more direct means.

SAM: What are you talking about?

CYRIL HEARSAY: I'll just use her and all her secrets

to infiltrate WOOHP, then launch their weapons

against the other tabloids.

CLOVER: As if!

Alex will never tell you any WOOHP secrets.

ALEX: Yes, I will.

I'm under the influence of the truth serum.

Remember? CYRIL HEARSAY: You see?

Alex is my new best friend.

ALEX: But Cyril, you're not my best friend.

You're more of an enemy, really.

[cyril laughs]

SAM: Whoa!

Hey!

[clover gasps]

[machine slices]

[beeping]

SAM: We're almost there.

Quick roll backwards!

CLOVER: Can't roll any further.

Cyril's stupid magazines are in the way!

SAM: We can't keep this up forever!

CLOVER: Wow!

Our lives are, like, hanging by a thread, literally.

SAM: Clover!

Can you toss that bundle over your head?

If we can get it into the press before us, it might jam.

CLOVER: I'll try.

[sam and clover scream]

SAM: Wow!

That was unbelievably lucky!

CLOVER: Lucky?

I think I need a pedicure.

SAM: Alex and Cyril probably took the WOOHP chopper,

and without our x-powders we can't contact Jerry.

CLOVER: Why don't we just call him on the phone?

SAM: Great idea, Clover!

Um, what is WOOHP's phone number anyway?

Uh--

CLOVER: No clue.

If only we knew somebody with an earring

communicator and a private jet.

SAM AND CLOVER: Jackson John!

CYRIL HEARSAY: This is the WOOHP Command Center?

ALEX: Uh-huh.

We just have to get past security.

ALEX: Let's go.

CYRIL HEARSAY: [laughs] Excellent work, Alex.

Now, how do I access WOOHP's heavy weapons?

ALEX: I don't have the foggiest idea.

CYRIL HEARSAY: Alex, you're still under the influence

of my serum.

You have to tell the truth.

JERRY: She is telling the truth.

[alex gasps]

WOOHP agents don't know everything

about WOOHP operations. But I do.

ALEX: Jerry!

Am I glad to see you.

Really!

SAM: This is so embarrassing.

WOOHP agents getting our gadgets taken away and having to call

a pop singer for a ride.

CLOVER: On the other hand, we are riding in Jackson

John's private glass jet.

JACKSON JOHN: Oh, man.

This old beater?

I'm trading it in for the luxury version next week.

JERRY: Hmm.

Kiai!

ALEX: Hey, Jerry, nice moves!

CYRIL HEARSAY: How do I defeat him?

ALEX: Don't know.

I didn't even know he could fight like that.

CYRIL HEARSAY: Ya!

JERRY: Kiai!

Kiai!

There's quite a lot you spies don't know about me.

ALEX: Jerry!

Look out!

JERRY: Ah!

[oof!]

[cyril hearsay laughs]

[beeping]

[cyril hearsay laughs]

[jerry gasps]

CYRIL HEARSAY: Now, Jerry, is it?

Perhaps you'd be so kind as to tell me about the latest

in WOOHP weaponry?

JERRY: Certainly.

Press the blue button on the console.

CYRIL HEARSAY: Hm?

[laughs]

JERRY: This is the Paparazzo.

Press the green button on the side, please.

CYRIL HEARSAY: It sounds like it's charging.

JERRY: It is.

Pressing the green button a second time

will trigger a flash of light that will stun any opponent.

CYRIL HEARSAY: You expect me to wipe out

the competition with this toy?

JERRY: Well, of course not.

That's the tabletop version.

Press the red button, please.

This is the full-sized version of the Paparazzo,

with a 50-megawatt adjustable [inaudible] flash.

At full power, it can permanently blind anyone

in a five-block radius.

CYRIL HEARSAY: It is!

It's perfect!

My rivals can't put out a paper if they can't see.

JERRY: Simply type in the coordinates of the target,

and hit Enter.

A countdown will let you know when the charge is ready.

[beeping countdown]

[cyril hearsay laughs]

CLOVER: Stop the presses, Cyril.

We've got a late-breaking story for you.

SAM: Yeah!

Bad Guy Gets Butt Kicked!

CYRIL HEARSAY: Really?

That sounds like a rumor.

Unless you can back it up with some facts.

SAM: Kiai!

[cyril and clover grunting]

CYRIL HEARSAY: Kiai!

SAM: Uh!

ALEX: Sam!

Use that gadget on the console.

Tell Clover to close her eyes, then press the green button!

SAM: OK.

[cyril and clover grunting]

CLOVER: Sam?

A little help here?

SAM: Clover!

Close your eyes!

CYRIL HEARSAY: Oh!

CLOVER: Nice gadget!

Does it take pictures or something?

ALEX: No.

It stuns people.

And the giant version is about to blind

a whole building full of people unless you stop it.

JERRY: You can't stop it.

Once the Paparazzo is charged, it has to be released.

I suggest you divert the weapon from its target to somewhere

where it can't do any harm.

[buttons beeping]

SAM: I can't divert it.

The target is locked in!

And we'll never reach the Paparazzo in time!

CLOVER: Yes, we will!

And we'll divert the flash!

Hello, Jackson?

Oh!

Better let me take over JJ, this is going

to take some perfect timing!

Sam, give me a countdown.

SAM: Right.

Six, five, four, three, two, one!

[explosion]

CLOVER: Yeah!

Woo-hoo!

CYRIL HEARSAY: Uh--

[grunts] Ow.

Ow.

JERRY: Well done, spies!

That was the third or fourth best job you've ever done.

CLOVER: What's that supposed to mean?

SAM: He must be under the influence of the truth serum.

Hey, maybe we should play Reality or Risk with Jerry

while we've got the chance?

ALEX: He did say that there was a lot we didn't know about him.

[alex, sam, and clover laugh]

CLOVER: What do you say, Jer, now that you

have to tell the truth?

Even you can't counteract the truth serum.

Can you?

JERRY: No, Clover.

I have to tell the truth until the serum wears off.

But a good spy knows how to avoid an interrogation.

CLOVER: Well, that's just cheating!

ALEX: Ahem!

[chuckles] Hey guys, what cha doing?

CLOVER: Oh, nothing!

Just doing a little light reading with my best friend.

ALEX: Yeah.

About that.

You guys asked me the name of my oldest and dearest friend

while I was on the truth serum.

So I had to say Ollie.

I guess it's time I introduced you.

[squeaking]

ALEX: [giggles] I've had him since I was two.

I can tell him anything.

But you two are my best friends.

And, honest, I'd never choose between you.

CLOVER: Oh, Alex!

[cries]

SAM: The same goes for me!

CLOVER: Yeah!

SAM: You really are my best friend!

CLOVER: What do you mean, your best friend?

She's my best friend!

SAM: Are you out of your mind?

She's obviously my best friend.

CLOVER: I don't think so!

SAM: I do!

CLOVER: Nuh-uh.

She is my best friend! SAM: No!

Mine! CLOVER: Hello?

Are you-- You're crazy! ALEX: I am not crazy!

You're the one's who's saying crazy, so you're the crazy one!

CLOVER: Who wants to have a crazy friend?

I'm not crazy! She's my best friend!

SAM: No! She's mine!

CLOVER: Loser. ALEX: Come on, Ollie.

Let's get a soda.

I'm totally honest.

I mean, mostly.

Well, I thought I was until the truth serum hit me.

But since then, the truth just spills out.

Did you know that when I was in fifth grade,

there was this guy, and I had a total crush on him.

OK.

But he wasn't just some guy.

He was Clover's boyfriend!

I know it was wrong, but I totally dug him!

And it's not like I stole him from her.

But, I tried!

I even dressed like her so he'd like me!

SAM: When will this truth serum wear off already?