Original subtitles

COOL, CALM AND COLLECTED

Good morning, Doctor.

Excuse me, sir. Which way to Flaubert Street?

- Why on earth do you want to go there? - None of your business.

- Then leave me the fuck alone, that's all I ask! - Be polite.

Why should I?

Unbelievable... I just ask for directions and instead I get insults.

What gives you the right to ask for directions?

You never leave us alone, not even in the streets. Must you break our balls on the sidewalk too?

No directions, no Flaubert Street, no nothing!

Can't you see the man is tired, on the verge of a nervous breakdown...

Do you want to provoke an incident?

Well, I'll be... Don't you agree they have...

...the tendency to piss us off!?

All of them!

- Are you from around here? - No, from Montrouge.

Are they the same in Montrouge?

The time will come when it'll be beyond our strength. And then...

If they keep on toying with our nerves... Nerves are sensitive...

And we have plenty of them.

Imagine if they all snapped at once... That will damage their cute little mugs.

They'll have asked for it.

I choke, I suffocate; plain and simple.

It's no wonder; they squeeze the air out of us. But it won't go on forever, trust me. It'll burst.

We'll pack our suitcases. It's final.

What would you say if I told you "maquis"?

"Maquis"...Let me think...

I'd say: Undergrowth, a silence where every noise counts...

...a bird waking up, the crack of a tree branch...

...a deer leaping out, tiptoeing carefully on the moss...

...worn-out shoes.

It's dawn, clouds of mist hanging about.

Suddenly, our leader halts.

We reached the rally point in Melleze, by a dead tree.

We wait for the others: Guys from Femerac, from Merouge.

We sit down, and the ten of us split a pack of fags.

Nobody speaks... We're smoking the first morning cigarette, the best one.

We feel good.

A little scared but good. Just us men.

We forget about women, we don't care.

We don't miss their platform shoes.

We puff on our cigarettes and that's it.

Then! Our leader produces a bottle of cognac. As he unscrews it, we think:

With some luck, he'll share a drop. It's a good one. Aged 15 years.

He looks up and understands. The flask is handed around.

Not a word is uttered.

No matter.

We're like 10 fingers on a hand. No fuss, no jumble.

Look at us, it's been only 45 minutes and we're already a pair. Solid.

No bullshit like: "Let me take you to the movies, let me buy you dinner, what are you doing tomorrow?"

All that is just to give you the hook, there, in the neck and they've got you.

Calm down; pull yourself together. Since when has your husband been missing?

10 AM.

Missing is not the right term. This is more of an absence.

But inspector, he left his office without a word to his secretary and without canceling his appointments for the day.

What could the secretary tell those ladies who wouldn't leave before seeing him?

By the end of the day, there were more than 30...

...plus one in on the bench, legs still in the air.

His coat was left on the ground.

No news since then

Has your husband ever shown this kind of behaviour before?

Not at all, he's a model husband and a good father.

Don't you start that again. I can't stand tears, I'll leave.

- Give the lady a Calvados. - Yes, boss.

Madam, to your knowledge, did your husband have an affair?

Him? Be serious: A gynecologist!

Doesn't that mean anything to you? Asses, Inspector;

About 30 to 40 rectal exams a day.

And the bitches are crazy about it, some come back everyday.

So believe me, in the evening, all he longs for is doing his crosswords

while eating a blanquette, and then going to bed.

Because the next morning at 7, it's pussies and asses.

A happy man then, basically.

Please let him be alright.

It's a sad thing to see a remarkable woman being dumped like that.

- No kidding, I feel better already. - Yes, you do look better.

What a bore, this woman on the train, whining about her missing husband.

Gives you a glimpse of a typical day in a police station.

Missing persons, we get them all day long.

No sooner than this morning, a dreadful story: Again, a female. A business woman.

Pret-a-Porter style.

She comes in, make-up running down to her chin, a real fountain.

To her credit, the man was not the easiest bloke.

Not only did he dump her, but what's more he stole the contents of the cash register.

Five grand, the week's earnings.

- A low class scumbag! - Yup!

Not repulsive, that little village...

Maybe we could...

- Dear Lord. - You can say that again!

Good day gentlemen. What'll it be?

Something cool, what you think is best.

I have just what you need. Not very spacious, not very luxurious.

- You're not very demanding comfort wise? - Oh, no.

- There's a gas cooker? - A coal one. But very efficient.

Three hours left till before dinner drinks.

- With a small onion? - If you have one, I'll have one.

Ah, the cunts!

You know what we should do someday? Eat garlic sauce, and not brush our teeth!

Ah, the cunts... Take Genevieve, you know who I mean...

The shopkeeper?

Well, she can keep it.

Take my word for it, each time we were about to have sex, she gave me mints to suck on.

The tobacco stench was annoying the Mrs.

Always pissing us off... They've really done it this time.

Paul... PAUL!!!

What's wrong?

What's wrong with you?

There's nobody there... You're alone, old chap.

See for yourself. No Genevieve.

What was she doing to you?

They bug me even in my sleep.

They get under my skull, I can't get them out.

I have to sleep, I have to recover... or I'll never get my head above water.

- I've wasted enough sleep over them as it is. - We're all in the same boat.

- I have trouble sleeping as well. - As soon as my eyes are closed, they barge in.

We haven't been very reasonable, you'll agree.

A chocolate mousse following roasted pork, really... Heavy stuff.

It's not my fault I have no diplomas, you know?

At 16, I had two options: The factory or using my cock for a living.

- I wish I had a degree in medicine like you. - Nonsense.

Did you choose your specialty? You could have been an oto-rhino specialist, or an ophthalmologist.

I just had my pretty face. I'm fed up with being loved.

How about a nice omelet. Wouldn't that do you a world of good?

- With the mushrooms leftovers? - Sure.

And I'll open the bottle of Gamay. Ah, we'll have to taste it someday.

- No, there's only one thing that could cleanse all that. - What?

Tripe.

You say that now! You never want buy in advance.

Fresh food, fresh food... There's more to it than that. As long as we don't take supplies, we won't be able to fight them.

Hey, you're not alone.

That big.

- Smells real nice around here! - A small stew. And you?

Oh, nothing much. I have to watch my lunches.

A small slice of terrine, some goat cheese, ice cream and marmalade. If I overdo it, I get bloated.

Go on!

It's midnight; time to get down to it.

If you have nightmares after that, I'll buy you a bottle.

What's with you? What's wrong?

I'm not hungry.

Neither am I. That's no excuse.

Careful Albert, if you listen to yourself, you'll go back to Genevieve, sucking on those mints.

I feel queasy.

Well, un-quease yourself. That's what beer is for.

Nothing like it to make your mouth as good as new.

Goes down well?

- Goes down well. - Well done!

Try the salty stuff. It's a breeze. Have some mustard. And pickles.

- Spices will make you thirsty... Garlic sausage? - Oh no.

I'll have some.

Glorious cholesterol lies in store for us.

- It's better than sleeping pills, no? - Yes.

Healthy food, without chemicals, never has any ill effects.

The most precious sleep... the most resting... is the early sleep.

So by splitting the night in two, you get two early sleeps.

- Doctor! - Yes?

My saddle itches.

- Ever had any troubles down there? - That's my weak spot.

Lately, my clitoris is all swollen. At first I thought it was a temporary thing,

but now I'm a little worried.

It looks like a snout. Every time my husband sees my cunt, he giggles.

He calls me Cyrano!

- It is my opinion that you are changing sex. - Oh?

What a smell!

- I'll have to repent after this meal. - I give you absolution in advance, brother.

It smells like thrush.

Not as easy as it looks.

What I'm eating is divine.

There is some thrush in it.

- I would say thrush and ruffed grouse. - Yes.

- And lark. - Let me add: Ortolan.

Think of all those poor men whose sole obsession is to catch a glimpse of some little girl's panties.

We have this leg of mutton instead.

- You heard that? - A thief? - He's been stealing my plums.

Ouch, Father, I won't do it again.

Let me smell you hands. No football game on Sunday!

- No, please, not the game! - Little rascal. - It's not my fault, she started it, that Claudine!

- They always start it, the young fools. How old are you? - 14.

- Oh those bitches, going after children now. - There's no stopping them!

You have no idea what I have to sit through during confession.

No matter how old, even with a foot in the grave, that's all they think about.

It's simple, I tell the husbands everything now.

Want to know who does your Claudine? Remi! Gavot! The new vet. The old hermit. And I'll leave out the rest.

Button your fly!

I got trapped exactly like you, my young friend, at your age.

I too was considering joining the holy orders. Do you go to mass?

- Each time he loses a tooth. - I went to mass every Sunday.

Do you know how it ended? An awful waste. Learn from my mistake.

My parents had a young maid. 19 years old, straight from Bretagne. She was brand new.

Spare us the rest, we know how this works. She brought you breakfast in bed each morning...

Precisely. The classic trap. Early spring heat.

You get aroused under the sheets; a tight blouse that's waiting to burst open.

The hands get lost, it's warm, soft... Smells of coffee and soap.

You confess and do it again the next morning.

- And come 40, you're a wreck. Is this what you want? - No, sir.

- I never could finish Proust. You know Proust? - Yes, sir.

Never got past "Un amour de Swan". Imagine, each time I opened the fourth volume...

It was like putting on a record "Paul, switch off the lights". Every night for 20 years.

They call it marital duty. Am I right Father? It's part of the sacrament?

- The church is rather vague regarding that point. - I want to stay a bachelor, sir.

Celibacy... don't think it's easy... Take me, all my life I fought for it. It was like a curse.

Each time a woman sees me, she gets wound up. "Here comes Albert" and her eyes get moist.

Since my first holy communion, it's felt like my fly is always open. I keep checking it.

- We went through Hell, and we're here to tell you about it. - I bet he hasn't had his dinner yet.

- Did you have a bite to eat before taking your tart to the movies? - No, Father.

Blockhead! Don't you know an under-fed body catches the first disease that comes along?

Listen to the doctor.

I've seen hundreds of venereal diseases in my office. Is this what you want? To piss razor blades?

- No more drinking wine? - Go wash your hands, I'll get you a plate.

What's great about sugar...

is that it'll give you wonderful cavities.

Especially at night.

It rots them all night long; it really goes for the enamel.

We should chew tobacco.

With the sugar, pieces of meat, and on top of that the tobacco juice,

I guarantee you magnificent stumps, well caramelized.

The whole value system needs to be re-examined.

What is a priest without a cassock? A soup without salt, a kiss without a mustache.

A fart in your trousers will stick to your legs, whereas in a cassock, It's in the open air.

This liquor is strong!

Father, may I play the game on Sunday?

- Is it good? - Yes, sir.

- You tasted the apple Charlotte? - Yes, sir.

- Still want to fondle that Claudine? - No, Father.

- Why? - I like the charlotte better.

- So in the end, you married the maid? - Hell no.

- My parents had to give her the sack, she was a thief. - Ah, Bretons.

What's more she gave me gonorrhea.

With this rain, there will be mushrooms tomorrow. We shouldn't sleep in late.

Shit, the fuse. No open umbrellas inside the house, it's bad luck.

It's not the fuse, it's the storm.

I'm not taking off my clothes, I don't care.

Children, children, what's going on?

I'll go.

Stupid!

Stupid!

Sisters.

May the Lord be with you.

All my life, I've seen man and woman tear themselves apart.

Let's make peace, and dry our tears.

These are troubled times, people woo, they divorce, do drugs. They seek shelter in violence.

And instead, in a nice cottage, amongst good people that wake up at dawn, what do we find?

Two men, simple and good men. Linked by a fraternal friendship.

What do they ask for? A little silence. Does that deserve pillory? Show some Christian charity.

I remember when they arrived. A sorry sight.

Two shattered men, on the verge of collapse.

Just a little silence.

This is what they long for: Retreat, meditation.

A feeling they've lost, the feeling of the soil under their feet.

Good soil, heavy and rich. That which God intended for the grapevines.

So, as I understand it; forget the wife and children.

They've left us for no one; nothing, just the soil.

Would you rather find them in a hospital? Full of narcoleptics, withering away?

- At least we could visit them, kiss them. - I'm here, I'll take care of them.

They're recovering bit by bit, you'll get them back as new men.

- When, Father, when? - I don't know. 6 months, a year. Next spring?

They need long walks, intensive care, a strict diet. And above all, no annoyances.

And during that time, you expect us to become nuns?

Yes, do you know of a nice quiet convent, with a chicken coop and rabbit hutch?

And a few barrels of Beaujolais. You see, we went down the cellar earlier.

Your two apostles are having a swell time: Meursault, Pommard...

What about this? Cough medicine?

You seem an expert. Judging by your snout, you drink more than just the mass wine.

You three make a fine team. The priest, the pimp and the gynecologist; nice fable.

- It ought to be taught in school. - Do you know there was a theft?

- Your friend Albert, who is so ill; didn't leave empty handed. - Five grand. Nice take, don't you think?

- You know the sentence for harboring a criminal? About 5 years. - Once in the hole, you'll lose your fat.

Considering the legitimate claims of the parties involved...

...maybe we can come to a reasonable agreement.

They're still weak on their feet, I don't think I can surrender them indefinitely...

However, a recovering walk, at your side, doesn't seem ill advised.

They could spend... A little weekend with you.

The ascension weekend?

That leaves you a fortnight to get them in shape.

Oxygen, calories, walking. We want them in their finest fettle.

- OK. Trust me, this task will be fully accomplished. - Hold on, priest.

In the event they don't show up, we'll spend the ascension weekend at your place,

In your little hideout. And we'll stay a while, to get in shape as well.

You'll bring us breakfast in bed, with the morning paper. You'll read us our horoscope.

And you'll scratch our back in the bathtub.

You'll go to the drugstore to buy our stuff: Nail polish, beauty creams, and our little tampons.

You'll do our laundry, and hang it to dry in the sun... It'll be nice, lace over cauliflowers.

With us next to it, getting a tan, in bikini.

You'll get all of our affection, since the others are gone.

We'll still need a man.

What is you first name?

Emile...

Watch it, Emile. Better do as your told.

- Have courage, time to go! - I can't.

What do you mean "I can't"? What's the meaning of this?

Are you grownups or what?

It's just for a while. You do your business and come back.

I can't do it for you. I come and get you on Sunday evening, and the dinner will be read

The Lord be with you, you'll be in my prayers. If you have the time, get me some green peppercorns.

- We'll have a West Indian dish. - Good morning Father.

- Morning Fouchard, how's the blood pressure? - 22... 23...

- Stop the Chirouble. - What'll I have left?

- Your wife. You have intercourse with her? - We'll been married for 25 years...

Like on the first day, Fouchard, make it swing! In every room!

If not, our village... Boom!

Say, what about grabbing a bite at La Villette? The four of us? A nice marrow steak?

- That'd be great. - Yes, then a good western and tomorrow the football game...

You have a nice place... The children aren't home?

They're at their grandmother's for the weekend. Oddly they felt a sudden urge to see her.

Too bad, I would have liked to kiss them.

You can walk them to school on Monday.

- The maid is away too? - Yes, on special leave.

- Too bad. She's better? - Fine.

- No more cough? - No.

- What about her knee? - Put down your bag.

You notice nothing.

- No. - On me.

- No. - And like that?

- No. - Smell nothing?

- No. - My perfume. - Ah yes, I recognize it.

- No, it's a new one. - Ah, that's what I thought.

- Paul? - Yes? - Have you got any balls left?

Well... What's in the fridge?

- Paul. I'm ready. - I'm coming.

- Paul? - Yes?

I've thought about it a lot.

We didn't go far enough. Love was not enough.

We have to get past the mere satisfaction of our senses.

I read a lot while you were away. A fascinating world opened to me.

Paul, we still have a long journey to make. The time has come to tackle the purest of eroticism.

Pleasure for the sake of pleasure.

Misery can be a source joy. Without boundaries.

I'm ready to endure suffering... shame... humiliation.

I'm waiting... for your command.

I'll always say yes.

Be my master. Speak. Tell me what you want.

Some extra toasts to finish the foie gras pate...

Paul! Get out of there! Paul: Come here!

Paul, I remind you that you are my husband. You have to screw me.

Come inside, you'll catch a cold.

Take my suit, there, on the chair.

Don't mind her, when she's in that state... She sees nothing, hears nothing.

Hey darling, your mother had an accident, ran over by a car.

You see, she doesn't give a shit. Take my watch. Go on.

- Paul! - Albert!

- I'm scared. - Don't start shitting your pants.

It's a survival operation. Them or us.

I can't cast away the image of that black mass they've got between their legs.

Have a drink.

Okay, let's keep moving.

This won't end well. We're headed for global catastrophe.

Relax. Breathe slowly. It's a flat road. No wind, no rain.

Ideal temperature. Left foot forward. And the right foot follows.

- What's in your bag? - My wife.

I killed her.

There goes a brave boy.

I wanted to show you the picture of my wife.

Ugly!

Oh my, quel horreur!

Now you understand!

Don't be frightened, honey, I'm here.

Raymond! Where are you going Raymond?

- Raymond! - Maurice!

Maurice!

Excuse me, I have a question.

It's lovely to stroll in the countryside, head in the clouds. But what's the agenda now?

Is lunch taken care of? A tea trolley, some lunchboxes?

Where are we to sleep? Beds? Camp beds? Tents?

So, who's the leader here? Who's the man in charge?

In charge of what?

- So it's anarchy. - Why don't you go home.

And how? ls the return ticket included? Is there a shuttle?

- Where are we exactly? You have compasses, maps? - What for? Don't you like it here?

Well done! We travel at random. We take the risk of falling into swamps.

I'm not too keen on catching malaria. Do you have the antidote?

What if I get bit by a snake? Do you have vaccine or am I to die on the spot?

- I have a wife and children. - So what are you doing here?

I followed the crowd... When I see men walking, I follow.

- It's my right to do so, I'm free. - And dumb as well.

A real blockhead. Never saw a blockhead like that.

- Nearly as dumb as my mother-in-law. - When you're dumb like that, you just have to shut you mouth.

That's what I've been telling my mother-in-law for 10 years, but it's no use...

...she can't help jabbering. During the matches as a rule.

Listen!

Shut up and listen!

- How many men? I'd guess about 300 fellas. - Yes.

We'll see what we can do. Six sheep, all right?

Two Futail, two Cahors. Not quite ripe, but stringent.

30 loafs of bread.

And 40 grams of tobacco a fellow, can't do better.

Sign here. Simple formality...

...you never know, there might be some accounts to settle by the end of the hospitalities.

I sure hope that won't be happening in a hurry though, we seem all set not to return to our homes soon.

- God forbid! - Hurry.

We have to leave in an hour to supply the guys from Bergement.

The chief's gulp... 15 years old!

How are they doing in Bourgogne?

No news. Villages are isolated, phone lines are down, cattle has taken to the woods.

It's beginning to take shape.

How're their spirits? Your guys don't think too much about getting laid?

They have some many kilometers in their legs by the end of the day, that they just...

That's the way to do it. Walking and more walking.

Gulping down kilometers.

I take the maquis, with my pals, I go to the pub, we have a few drinks.

Time for Kir and Picon with beer, Pernod and Beaujolais.

No copuli, no copula...

Someone in there?

Watch it!

Doctor Dufour?

Sorry, old chap, we have to go...

Hey guys, wait for me...

God almighty, have mercy on a poor sinner...

Spare the miserable Genevieve the loss of my life.

I would love to hold her in my arms, give her a child, marry her.

Genevieve, I give up being a pimp!

Doctor Dufour, my wife booked an appointment with you; Tomorrow at 9 am.

- As of today, I won't finger anything but chicken. - Don't be a fool, you'll make them cross.

OK, don't get angry, but I'm through with all this.

I'm going home.

Stop by the shop sometime, I'd be glad. 240 Vaillant-Couturier blvd, Montrouge.

We'll enjoy a snack. I'm past the age for running like that.

Not to be a downer, but it's a little late to go home with a bunch of orchids... Listen...

Whatever we do, we're fucked. We should have gotten organized from the start.

Now, all is lost. The resistance groups are falling one after another.

Fleurac, Merouge, the Bergement.

- It's not really war, I must be dreaming... - Worse than war.

There is no surrendering, no Geneva agreement, nothing.

Just raise your arms, and straight to the cock. That all that matters to them: The cock!

They blow you dry. Bir Hakeim, Les Ardennes, that was tourism.

No more mercy now. 30 to one.

Moroccan fighters were schoolboys compared to them. And when they're done, here come 30 more.

And 30 more. And it goes on to infinity, like a tide. All of that on my cock.

The Krauts themselves wouldn't have done it.

It was like sitting on a landmine that blows up again and again.

- Let me have a look at the thing, I'm a doctor. - Oh no, it's a shameful mess.

- And the grub? Who's handling it? - No one.

They destroyed all of the supplies, intercepted all the convoys.

They're cutting down the vineyards of Bourgogne.

In Meursault, they tore them down vine by vine. Worse than Philoxera.

A cultural heritage smashed down.

Silly cunts. Happy now? Bravo! Well done! Look at all the tarts.

Is this the new summer collection you are wearing? Just one look at you makes me want to join an order.

Just wait till I polish you. We'll see who'll call for his mommy.

I take it and make it swell until it bursts. Follow me?

I'll speak to you the day you arouse me. And I don't see that happening soon.

What about these? What if I got your dick stuck in these?

Shut the fuck up!

Watch it now, my gals want a piece of you. I have a hard time holding them back.

Madam, for the time being, just one thing will get us hard.

The Beaujolais. Veal Blanquette, Roquefort, frangipani,

Brown tobacco... and calm.

Ever heard the word "Calmos"? CALMOS!

Hey, girls, one of them has a touchy anus. He got so scared that he shit his pants.

- Hurry. - Miss, be reasonable. - Enough!

Let's examine the situation, let's see clearly.

What you want, stop me if I'm mistaken, is to get laid. You're suffering from withdrawal symptoms.

You may spit at us but we come in handy sometimes.

Unfortunately, my pal and I don't especially have sex in mind right now.

What we would like, is to get a bit more rest, regain our health, and be 20 again.

The age where only one thing counted: Sex! All the time, sex and sex again.

So gently free us, without shooting us in the back.

In exchange, and this is no joke, we'll meet in a month from now...

...anyplace you want, and we'll do you all. We do you one after the next, like horny bitches.

We'll give you the works, and you'll be begging us to stop, I promise.

- Stop bragging, I wet my panties. - I'm ovulating like crazy, give me a baby, quick.

We'll call him "the fart", after his father.

"What we need is a piece of cock, a fat piece of cock in our pussy.

I need you to jiggle, until I can't take no more."

Shut the fuck up.

Shut up motherfuckers.

Shut it; I'll use one of you as a club to knock down the others.

What the hell's going on? You think this is a whorehouse?

All leaves are canceled. And tonight, forced march with your packs.

And moonlight river crossing. That will relax your taints.

As for you, tough guys, stop exciting my girls.

Easy now, we're not provoking anyone. It's a misunderstanding.

Don't you have a something to nibble? Even cold?

We've been walking for 3 days away from our base. So...

Wait, I have some condensed milk left. Gets you going, doesn't it?

- Want some? - No, thanks.

- You're waiting for a tablecloth and some candles? - When do we get to polish the bald stick?

- Should we take them to a wedding dress shop? - Or wait for the night as it's more intimate?

Go on, chief, let's do it, my clitoris is fully engorged, it won't go further.

Not now, girls. The best part of love is climbing up the stairs to the bedroom

Having them walk in front of me makes me fall in love.

In the dust. One, two, one, two... They're aware we can grab their nuts anytime, anywhere we want.

Yeah, well, tired legs and an empty pussy ain't my motto.

- I said; not now! - Then when? It's been months since we got a sniff of a cock.

Come on, ladies, say something or we'll get screwed around some more.

- Who's in charge here, you or me? - Simone...

I want a piece of it too. Just like you. But not in a careless way?

You want to guzzle it down, jump on them on the spot.

- Wouldn't that be too easy, too bland? - But that would clear up our lungs.

Monique, show some distinction, some class, goddammit! A twist of poetry!

War is not havoc. Learn to respect your enemy.

Victory is victory, not humiliation. Look at those prisoners you dragged in.

Do they give honour to the troop? I ask you? Halt!

Men. It's fighters I want, and I'll have you fight. In a fair game.

Listen, Dufour. Earlier, you had a spurt of pride, and I liked it.

Let's play open cards. I agree about the rendez-vous. Not in a month, but tomorrow.

A 24 hour head start. A 24 hour probation, 24 hours to run like mad.

I like the enemy running up and down, when tracking him down.

The hunt. It excites me. Night and day. The smell of his piss in the ferns.

Arrive where the tracks are still warm.

They haven't had their fill of sweat yet. They still smell of aftershave.

They're too tender, too young. Not enough mileage.

They have to be well burnt out. Caramelised.

Aldente! Hard under the tooth.

I get wet just thinking that I'll have one of them, this time tomorrow.

Which one? You see Dufour, I like your buddy.

- What's your name? - Albert.

Albert. Well tell Albert, that tomorrow he's going there. Right there, the chief's pussy.

Fuck. Why always me? I'm not the only one! There are others.

And better looking. I'm fed up. Always the same. I disagree.

You have the bad luck of having some charm, and...

With a weapon to top it all. If I had a weapon, I'd scare you as well.

That's easy. What's not easy is to woo us, to seduce us.

To make us look back when you walk by. But let me tell you...

...it's not by wearing khaki pants and General Patton perfume that we'll ask you to tango.

Hey, Paul? We like a nice revealing neckline showing your back...

...a long cigarette holder. That moves us.

But your 'One, two, one, two", that's a big turn off!

Don't let your tongue grow tired, cause you'll need it tomorrow,

- And not for a speech! - You think your medals will give me a hard-on?!

Listen Albert, once I catch you, you won't last long. Moved or not moved, you'll retract your foreskin.

Finger, hard-on and bang, a flagpole. And hard; or it's electroshock treatment.

Electrodes up your ass, my good man. Very erogenous zone, the asshole.

And no premature ejaculation, they tried it on me before. You'll wait for me.

All in the hips, relaxed motion. You'll whisper nice things in my ear, I'm sure.

And then, I'll give you to my girls, and switch to Dufour. Go! Get out of here.

On the double. And don't stroke it too much!

I've had it Polo. My head is swirling, my ears are ringing, I'm at the end of my rope.

Take a deep breath, it'll go away.

I have to eat, that's what.

Eat! Or I'll faint. I'm not asking for much.

Anything. A crust of bread, a bit of cheese.

If you say one more thing about food, I'll hit you in the jaw.

3 days... 3 Days without food. Not even an onion.

You've been warned.

Know what you are? A misogynist.

Have a drink!

Jesus Christ!

- A small unpretentious Rose from the area. - Very sweet.

Grab a bite.

It would be nice, but they expect us for lunch down in the village.

Some ham never spoiled the appetite.

Cheers!

Solid.

Careful, we've have been drugged.

- What's this!!! - What's between my legs?!

Tell me the truth doctor, I have to know! Operate! Cut it off!

- Amputate it! - Oh heavens no!

It's pulling me toward the ceiling, hold me, I'm lifted up!

Relax. It'll be alright. There.

- Don't run, you'll all get your share. - Don't panic, it's not the sales.

- Don't push, or I'll smack you. - They really are on fire.

- I wouldn't want to be in the two boners' shoes. - Slow the pace down, I'm totally overwhelmed.

- Amar, Dominique. - Letouze, Adrienne.

- It's says here "brown hair". - I had it bleached.

- And why is that? - Didn't like it. - You like it now?

- Isn't that a wig? - No.

- Careful... we've caught 15 women cheating since yesterday. - Ever had V.D.?

- No, never. - Go in that booth, and pee in this glass.

Hurry ladies. Take everything off.

- May I keep my glasses on? - Negative. No glasses, no jewellery.

- But I'm blind as a mole. - Nothing to see. Usually you do this in the dark.

- What if I get lost? - Go with the flow.

Straight ahead and when you see a tree, climb it. Are you quite finished?

- My makeup is running. - They couldn't care less, in their state.

- They'll bang anything. - What do I do with the card?

Keep it! We gave it to you for a reason.

- What's this parcel? - Chocolates.

- It's forbidden to feed the men. - But I have to bring them something!

I'm not one to lie down just like that. Something should happen first, some affection.

Do I show some affection?

- How is the heart? - Normal.

- Pressure? - 11.2

- Temperature? - 36,8.

- How is the prostate? - Relaxed.

- The cock? - Small loss of rigidity.

- How much? - 2 DIN.

- Nothing serious. Length? - 39. We lost 2 centimetres.

- Diameter. - Still around 5.3.

- How's yours? - Stationary. Not at the top of his form.

- We'll increase the dilatation. - Already 38 drops.

Increase to 40. And boost the amino acids. Can't do them any harm.

Triquard, Marie-Madeleine.

- Screwed! - Thank you, madame!

Gondinet, Francoise.

Screwed!

Sorry but this wasn't worth 6 hours on the train. Without a seat.

Scrub, ladies, it has to be ship-shape. Don't be sloppy, wash every corner.

- Could we have some hot water? - Why not some donkey milk?

- We're treated like whores. - I lost my soap.

Bericard, Odile.

My Guillaume... It's you Dilou, I brought you a plain cake but they took it away.

- Only 2 minutes left, madam, hurry up. - I'm just saying hello,

- I'm not going to jump on him when I haven't seen him for 2 years. - 1 minute 30 seconds

- What? 1 minute 30 seconds; this isn't a train schedule! - 1 minute.

- All right, Guillaume, say something, explain to them. - Screwed!

I didn't get screwed! Not one bit! I felt nothing, no penetration.

Raymone, Marie-Agnes.

- No, Miss, this bed is taken. - I warned them, I can't see a thing without my glasses.

This way... On this bed... Turn the other way... Move closer.

- It's huge! - Yes. Are you all right? Take the handles, it's easier.

Go slowly. Move it! Here we are.

I won't go!

Bechon, Genevieve.

- No, I won't go. - Heave-ho!

- Don't you feel like getting laid? - In these conditions? No thanks.

I like when a man is rough.

Chief! Rigidity is down to 60... 50... 40.

- Mine is letting go. - One testicle is going up.

- Length: 35... 33... 31... - Diameter: 4.9... 4.8... 4.7

If the brain scan goes flat, they'll end up retards...

- Aren't you fed up looking at pebbles? - Shut up.

- Another groundhog? - No! It's a broad!

- That old trick again? - Look for yourself!

- Groundhogs! - Groundhogs? You're even more afraid than I am.

You can't face the truth. You find refuge in your blindness.

How convenient! Well, I'm off. I won't go back to hell!

- There are only groundhogs, you're senile! - Senile? Take a look a yourself, old fart.

Careful, I'm still strong enough to rub your nose in your own poop.

My poop smells nicer than yours!

You're a pain in the ass. This will bring back my back pains.

Stop your moaning. Lucky for us, I keep my eyes open.

As soon as we shut them out, bang, here they come. No rest for us. Condemned to life.

Do you think they'll find you desirable? Don't make me laugh.

It's all over, they sucked us to the marrow. They're not interested in us anymore.

Don't you know them yet? They still have a few tricks left in their ovaries.

They may graft us something between our legs or inject us with bull cells.

Stop your bullshit.

Funny, it looks like hairs on an ass.

The ground is all soft.

What heat! I hope there are no snakes.

Careful, it's slippery.

- Albert! - Paul!

Help me. Don't be a jackass.

I told you to watch it. Are you all right?

- What an awful place! - Hold my hand.

Holy shit, it's like a cave... Look at the cave... Careful. Slippery.

Strange cave.

- There's someone. - Stay put.

You heard? Who goes there?

French!

- You have tobacco? - Yes!

Move closer.

Raise your arms. Let's see the tobacco.

- Who's singing? There's a woman somewhere. - Yes.

- Where is she? - You can't see her.

- Why can't I? - Because you are in her.