All language subtitles for Long.Shot.2019.720p.BluRay.x264-DRONES

I don't know what the fuck
is going on in this country, man!

Every day I turn on the TV,

and I see these fucking freaks
marching for their rights!

What about our rights?

This is our time to show the world
that we are not just an online movement!

We're growing physically!

This is our time to assert ourselves

as the true voice of America!

Yeah!

Yes, let's do that!

Now, you may have noticed

that our friend Aryan Grande

has brought in a new recruit.

FucktheJews82. Welcome, brother!

Yeah!

Hi. Heil. Heil, everybody.

White power. Obviously.

Been a big fan of you guys for a while.

Since World War Il, really.

That's when you made your big entrance
on the scene.

And, uh... Yeah. Just, um, in closing...

- Fuck the Jews!
- Yeah!

Welcome!

Let's fucking party!

So you guys are, like,
pretty active on social media, right?

Yeah.

How many times a day would you
say you tweet on average?

- Hey, FTJ!
- Yo!

You said you wanted a swastika tattoo.

Now's your chance.

Yeah, you know,
I've been thinking about it. I'm cool.

Come on, man. We all got 'em!

You guys want me to get
a swastika tattoo?

Yeah!

I will get a swastika tattoo.

Um...

Yeah.

Hey, take over, man.
I got to take a piss.

Super cool, guys. Thank you for this.

This is really exciting.

All right, here we go!

Ooh, right! Yeah!

That hurt?

On many levels. Yes.

Fuck!

Hey! This you?

You a journalist?

Yeah!

We all got to be fucking journalists
in this day and age,

mainstream media not covering
our side of the story!

His name is Fred Flarsky.

He writes for the Brooklyn Advocate.

- And he's a fucking Jew!
- What?

Look, look, look.
Okay, okay, okay. Hey!

What are you doing here?
You're here to fucking embarrass us, huh?

- Who sent you?
- No one sent me!

It's okay. I'm... I'm...

He's been recording us the whole time!

Fucking shit, man!
You infiltrated our group!

- You're gonna fucking die!
- How do you turn this thing off?

The fucking red button,
right there, man!

Holy shit!

Yeah!

Not only did I escape...

I held onto my phone!

Yes! Ow!

I trusted you, man!

Yeah, well...

Jews win this round, motherfucker!

Peace! Ow.

Tonight on Wembley News,

we take an in-depth look
at Charlotte Field,

a Rhodes Scholar, a Pulitzer winner,

and protégée of President Chambers,

who tapped Field two years ago

to be the youngest secretary of state
in the history of this nation.

And honestly,
looking hotter than usual.

Now, people are gonna say
that's sexist,

but she's just hot!

You know,
when we talk about women in this way,

it is because we respect them so much,
and we start with their body.

You two are terrible.

- Good night, Steven.
- Good night, Madam Secretary.

Sorry for the late call,
Mr. Foreign Minister.

Long day.

Three bilaterals.

Listen, we're not going to be
able to do it.

There's just not enough
traction around this thing.

I believe in it, it's just...
I don't have Congress support.

I don't have
the American people's support.

I know you and I don't like it, Chuck.
But you know who likes it?

Eighty-eight percent of college-educated
Americans over 45.

Likely voters.

That's Gallup.
We have to make this happen.

Oh, my God.

Well, I wouldn't call
the president inexperienced.

I mean, he did play a president

on a very popular television show
for over a decade.

You don't get six Golden Globe nominations
without being pretty convincing.

Um, I do think I'm funny.

I'm sorry, I thought
this interview was about

promoting democracy in Eastern Europe.

All right, next one's BBC.

Would you be asking a male cabinet member
what products they use in their hair?

I'm just kidding.

No, it's olive oil and mayonnaise.

I know. So cheap. So much shine.

Good morning, Mr. President.

Good morning, Mr. President.

Good morning, Mr. President.

Good morning, Mr. President.

Oh, hey, Charlotte.

You caught me watching my show.

Mr. President,
we still recommend Option C.

I am not nuking a tsunami!

Oh, here it is.

Not now...

Not today.

Not in my house.

Yes! I love that!

Oh, me too.

Anyway, that's not why I called you here.

Charlotte.

Yes, sir?

I will not be seeking reelection.

Really?

Look, I know it's crazy,

because I'm only halfway
through my first term.

And you're incredibly popular, sir.

And I want to use that popularity
to transition into something...

more prestigious than the presidency.

I wanna make it in the movies.

You're going to leave the presidency
to go be in movies?

- I know. It's gonna be tough.
- Ah...

Only, like, ten guys have made that jump
from TV to film.

Woody Harrelson, George Clooney...

Might be... Might be just two.

I... Mr. President, have you...

given any consideration
as to whom you might endorse?

I'm sure you're probably thinking
of McNichol or Crowly. Strong choices.

So strange, because I was
considering a run in 2024.

And I've been vetted.

So that's all done.

And I can't stop thinking about what...

What it would do for your legacy

to endorse the first female president.

I mean... Wow.

That's a legacy.

- Charlotte?
- Hmm?

I would like to endorse you

to be the next president
of the United States.

I mean, if you think
that's a good idea, sir, I trust you.

I'd... I'd be honored.

I'm gonna be pulling
for Team Charlotte. Right?

Because you've been a great secretary.

Of state.

Whatever. It's a cool job.

And, um, you've done it well.

- Thank you, sir.
- So stay focused.

Don't make any major screwups.
Don't kill any hookers.

Probably not a problem for you.

I don't know what you're into. Whatever.
And before you know it...

I like the sound of that.

♪ Hey, here she comes ♪

♪ It's the first lady president ♪

♪ Who can believe ♪

- ♪ That she's actually a woman? ♪
- Thank you, sir.

♪ She's got a big brain
And a couple other assets ♪

Oh, and here we see
Secretary of State Charlotte Field.

Good morning.

Yes!

So the headline is,
"You're in great shape."

- Ninety-two, that's good.
- Really good.

- Yeah.
- And now, keep in mind

that these are numbers
for a female candidate.

If you were a man,
you'd be in the 192nd percentile.

- Well, that seems about right.
- Yeah.

'Cause men are... Okay.

Um, your sense of humor is 82,

which is solid. It's solid.

But, you know, we wouldn't mind
seeing those numbers

go up a few points, or more.

So, I'm going to get some writing samples

- from some funny speech writers.
- Great.

I am really interested
in knowing how people feel

- about my accomplishments.
- Yeah.

Right. You know, so we don't
drill down on specific policies.

And that's only because
people don't seem to care.

That's interesting.

But that said, if you could
broker some deal

that gets you out there talking
about a thing

that you feel really strongly about,
that would be great.

Well, that's perfect.

I mean, we've been looking for an opening

to start a conversation
about the environment.

All right.

Romantically, if I may...

Remember the stir online

when the Canadian prime minister and you
were seated next to each other

at the Global Business Forum?

Mmm-hmm.

A relationship like that
would push you into the high 90s.

High 90s? Wow.

That brings us to...

What's wrong with my wave?

Um, I think people feel that
that level of elbow movement is, um...

It stresses people out.

You know what?
It's just an area for improvement.

Okay, fine, I'll work on the wave.

- Hey.
- Hey, Fred.

You're gonna love this. I almost died.

You got a second?

- Yeah.
- Come on.

I actually have some really great news.

- Really? Cool.
- Yes.

We were just bought by Wembley Media.

- What?
- Yeah.

- Are you fucking kidding me?
- I knew you'd have a harsh reaction.

A harsh reaction?

- Fred, this is a good thing.
- How?

The fucker represents everything

that we've been fighting
against since day one!

The whole point of this paper
is to fight giant media conglomerates.

Now we've been bought
by a giant media conglomerate.

- I do see the irony.
- Irony?

He's gonna turn this place
into a propaganda machine.

Not the good kind, that's right!

The bad kind, that's wrong!

Well, we're out of options.

We've been running as long as we can
on ads for weed doctors and escorts.

Let's get penis enlargement ads, too.

No one likes their dick.

- Come on, Fred.
- This Wembley guy,

he ran fake stories
to help get Chambers elected.

No, they couldn't prove that.

We proved it!
I wrote three articles about it!

- You published them!
- I did.

The shit that comes out
of this fucking guy's mouth...

He said hurricanes
were caused by gay marriage.

I don't even get
how that fucking works.

I don't even get
the math on that one.

- Fred, it's done, all right?
- It's done?

They're upstairs
finalizing the deal right now.

Look, we have to cut
two-thirds of our staff.

- Two-thirds?
- Yeah.

But we wanna keep you on.
They wanna keep you on.

It's just...

You just have to
tone it down a little bit.

I don't know how I can tone things down
any more than I'm toning them down.

Okay, Fred. You're a great writer.

- Thank you.
- All right, you're funny,

you take risks, you connect with people.

I'm sensing a twist in this.

You have a distinct,
authentic voice, but...

sometimes you're a little too much.

I don't think I am too much!

I actually think I'm
the perfect right portion.

Look, you have your job.

Okay, focus on that and just
toe the line a little bit.

You know what? I quit.

Oh, come on, Fred.

You should quit, too.
Everyone should fucking quit.

No, I'm not gonna quit, I need my job.

I need my fucking job, too.
I'm broke, man!

But I can't work for that guy.

At least let me fire you
so you can get unemployment.

No fucking way!

I want him to know that I quit.

He's never gonna know it.
He's never heard of you.

You're gonna destroy your life
to spite a guy who's never heard of you?

Yes! You said it best!

That's exactly what I'm doing.

You're making bad decisions
and it's bumming me out, man.

Well, that makes two of us.

Fuck this. Journalism died today, people.

Yes, hello, this is, uh, Fred Flarsky.

Um... I, uh,

was just calling to say
that I was forced

to quit myjob recently,
making me something of a free agent.

And I know in the past, uh,

you said I'm not exactly what
The Times was looking for,

but I was just calling
to see if anything's changed.

Uh, just give me a ring.
Thank you so much.

Yo, Lance. It's Fred. Um...

I lost my job and I'm very sad.
Can I come by?

We need to schedule a meeting
and see what they have to say.

Excuse me.

Man, I can't believe
they did you like that.

It's fucked up. I'm pissed.

But you're gonna feel a lot better, man.
We're leaving.

You can leave work right now?

Yeah, I can fucking leave.
You see this corner office?

That's a "I can leave this bitch
whenever I want" corner office.

Come on, man. Everybody!

This is my best friend,
and he just lost his job today.

All right? He's at rock bottom.

- It's not that bad.
- He feels like shit.

And I'm gonna make him feel better.

It's been a tradition
since we were in college,

when one of us feels sad,

the other one
has to get him fucked up.

I'm talking Britney Spears,
mid-2000s bald head,

almost-dropping-the-baby fucked up.

No judgment. No judgment.

I need my schedule cleared, Zander.
I don't want to do shit.

I'm going off-grid till tomorrow.

Matter of fact...

everybody's got the day off.

Everybody's got the day off.
Y'all got the day off.

Everybody, go home.

I'm so appreciative
of all of you guys' hard work.

I love every single one of you.

Except you, Tad!

Bagel Friday is for everybody, Tad!

You don't think we know
you taking the bagels?

Yeah, Tad, not cool.

- Zander.
- Yeah?

I need two cans
of the Pamplemousse LaCroix.

- Uh-huh.
- I need that filled

with Johnnie Walker Blue and CBD oil.

Do you want one?

I got fucked, man.

Yeah, you got fucked
like a stepmom on Pornhub.

But it happens to everybody.
I've been unemployed before, it sucks.

But I didn't ask for any handouts.

I picked myself up
by my bootstraps and got to it.

Where are we going right now?

Best day ever, Fred. Don't worry about it.

I've got this dope afternoon
planned for us.

First we're going to finish
these Pamplemousses.

Play at the park.

After that we're going to
go to Peter Luger's,

get you a nice fat steak,

and then finish it off with
a World Wildlife Fund benefit.

I don't know if I want to go
to some fancy rich person party.

What... Oh, come on, man,
don't be so judgmental, all right?

It's free booze
and there'll be pandas and shit.

- People love pandas and shit.
- I don't know.

All right, fine, Fred.

Then just do nothing. All right?

Go home, do nothing.

And don't kick it with your
best friend and Boyz II Men.

Say what?

Oh, yeah.

Boyz II Men is bringing
their timeless blend

of R&B, hip-hop and new jack swing
to the party.

I thought you would like to be there.

Bo-bo-bo-Boyz II Men?

♪ Motownphilly's back again ♪

That's what I'm talking about, man.

- Let's do this shit.
- Let's have fun. What a fun day.

I am so hungry, it's insane.

Why didn't you PowerBar me?

- I tried, you pushed my hand away.
- Oh.

Skewered foods. I can't eat
skewered foods gracefully.

I look like a fucking caveman.

Yeah, and there are cameras everywhere.

That's really gonna hurt
your elegance score.

That's my best score.

Fuck! It's all skewered foods.

I'm gonna take the chicken
off the skewers.

- Take it off...
- Quickly. Quickly.

Why do they make this so difficult...

Oh. I'm sorry, sir. I apologize.

- Jesus fucking Christ.
- Can't do things...

Just make a fucking...
Make a wall. Make a wall.

- Yup. Yes.
- Do you have it?

Good. Good, good, good, good.

Oh, my God,
it's really good chicken.

- James Steward is approaching.
- What?

Okay, he's about nine feet away.

His dick is probably
about seven feet away.

- Maggie!
- Six feet away.

Five feet away.
Spit, spit, spit, spit, spit.

- James!
- Bonsoir.

- Hi.
- Good evening.

I am so sorry I missed you

when I was at the White House
a few weeks ago.

Oh, are you so "sorry," James?

You're never gonna
stop making that joke, are you?

No. I'm not.

- Prime Minister.
- Well, I... Oh, hello.

- Hi.
- Oh, yes.

Thank you.

- One more. One more.
- One more.

Merci. Thank you.

What do you say we get out of here?

Grab a drink somewhere
a bit more private.

- Yes...
- Yeah?

Oh, my God!

Make some noise out there!
Make some noise!

Yeah! Check it out, y'all!

One question,
what's the name of the group?

- Boyz II Men!
- What's the name of the group, y'all?

Boyz II Men!

I told you this would be dope.

Yeah, uh...
This is really cheering me up.

Wow.

I'm super underdressed.

Stop complaining, all right?

You think you feel outta place?

This is one of the brightest rooms
I've ever been in in my life.

Bright? What do you mean, bright?

Like white.

- Oh, "bright" is white?
- Yeah, man.

It's only me, the waiters and Boyz II Men.

I've already had three people
tell me they love my music.

Duty calls.

I'll take a snow check on that dance.

- Canadian for "rain check."
- Okay.

Okay.

Man, you're pounding 'em
kinda hard, don't you think?

I got fired today, man.

You told me you quit.

I was forced to quit because of...

Yeah, okay, man.

Lie to me some more.

You good?

Shit. Is the secretary
of state looking at us?

Oh, she's looking at you?

Fred.

Fred. What the hell? What was that?

Damn. Hey, what was that?

I...

I kinda... I kinda know her. Okay?

- You kinda know her?
- Yeah.

Nobody kinda knows
Charlotte Field, all right?

It's like kinda knowing a mermaid, dude.
You tell people that shit.

- That's exceptional.
- Okay.

I'll tell you a story.

So, I'm like 13, she's like 16.

She's my babysitter.

She's like, perfect.
She's very nice to me,

which goes a long way with me.

So, we're at her house.

She's practicing a speech
that she's writing.

She's running for
Student Council president.

Did you know that every year,

the school throws away
over 500 tons of recyclable garbage?

- And no one cares.
- I know, it's total bullshit.

But how do you get idiots to care
about shit they don't care about?

They'll just care

because it's the right thing
to care about.

You're more inspiring than George Bush
and Dan Quayle combined.

Well, that's not too hard.

Well, she was amazing,
and she was smart,

and she seemed to
kinda like me,

and I felt like
we were having a moment.

You know what I mean?
Like a romantic moment.

Oh, shit.

So I did something that,
in retrospect, was highly inappropriate.

I kissed her.

I looked down...

I got a fucking
13-year-old boner, man!

- Oh!
- Hard... but not big.

But hard. And pronounced,
"13-year-old boner."

Sorry.

And she looks at it.
She sees it. And she goes...

It's okay.

And then,

her boyfriend comes into the room,

who was in the other room
watching Blossom!

Hey, babe.

Points out my fucking little boner.

- He makes a joke!
- Whoa!

And they left.

I'm sorry.

And I'm left standing there alone...

...in the kitchen,

with my little, hard
13-year-old fucking boner.

- Hard as a rock.
- And on top of that,

she didn't win the fucking election.

Bill Sterling won because
he ran on a two-prom platform.

- Two-prom!
- Two proms! Back-to-back!

She didn't stand
a fucking chance.

No, man.

I think you're skimming over
the best part of that story.

What's the best part of that story?

She says your boner was okay.

She said, "It's okay," like she was trying
to not make me fucking feel bad.

Fred, you see a fucked-up story,

when I see a beautiful story
about a girl that you liked,

liking your boner in all of its okay-ness.

You need to talk to her tonight.

She probably doesn't remember who I am,

and if she does remember who I am,
the last thing she wants

is my 13-year-old-boner-having
fucking ass walking up to her.

- Look... Whoa.
- Excuse me.

Secretary Field would
like to speak with you.

- With me?
- With him, right?

- Yeah.
- Right now?

Uh, do you know why?

This way.

This is good.

What you nervous about?

What the fuck? Everything I just said!

Oh, my God, dude, there she is.

What are you gonna say to her?

I don't know.

Should open with a neg.

Tell her she's too tall.

I'm not gonna neg the secretary of state.

- It was so nice to see you.
- You as well.

Give me the signal when you need me.

- Hi.
- Hi.

A man brought me here.

Yes, sorry about that.

- Um...
- No, not at all.

I can't shake this feeling
that we know each other.

- We do. Yeah.
- We do?

- We do know each other.
- Okay, so I'm not crazy.

- Uh, I'm Fred.
- Fred...

I was shorter,

- but other than that...
- Flarsky?

Yeah! Holy fuck!

I can't believe it.
You remember.

Oh, my God, look at you!

Look at me, yes.

What are you doing here?

My friend, Lance... That's Lance.

Hey, how you doing?

He, uh, he just brought me
here to see Boyz II Men.

I just met them.

- You met the Men?
- Yeah.

- What was it like?
- Don't tell anybody,

but it was the highlight of my life.

- Oh, I totally get that.
- And I've met the Dalai Lama.

Fuck him. How many hits
does he have? None.

Don't actually fuck him.

- He's a wonderful man.
- Yeah.

What are you doing these days?

I bet it's something amazing.

- It's pretty amazing.
- Yeah.

Uh, yeah, but it's still in its, uh,
gestation period, I guess.

I don't need to get into it.
What about you? What have you been up to?

You're the secretary... I'm joking.
I know what you've been up to.

- Yeah.
- You're very, um...

You know, I just, I...

I just wanna say it's, like, amazing
to see what you've done with your life.

A lot of people say they're gonna do

all this incredible stuff
and they don't do anything,

but you actually did it all,
so, congrats.

Well, I'm trying.

I think you've done it.

Oh!

Parker Wembley.

I hate this guy.

Parker Wembley, the guy
who buys and sells newspapers

and thinks that hurricanes
are caused by gay marriage?

- You know him?
- He's coming over here.

- Is he behind me?
- Yeah.

- Finally. Secretary Field.
- Parker, how are you?

You are looking
particularly gorgeous tonight.

Thank you.

I... I've been trying
to set a meeting with you

for some months now, and, uh...

I mean, have you been avoiding me?

No! No.

Not successfully.

Who's your friend?

- Fred.
- Hey, Fred!

- Yes, hi.
- How are you?

And, uh, what is it that you do?

I'm a journalist, actually. Yeah.

- Ooh, a journalist.
- Mmm-hmm. Yeah.

Will I have read
anything that you've written?

Probably not recently
'cause I'm unemployed at the moment.

Oh, I am so sorry to hear that.

Not your fault.

Excuse me, Secretary Field,
we need a word.

- Oh, okay.
- So we will have that meeting.

- Right?
- Yes.

Okay, good. Fred.

- Yes?
- Best of luck.

- Oh, why, thanks.
- Things will turn around for you.

- So nice of you.
- Darkest before the dawn and all that.

- I actually... I do have to...
- Yeah.

You probably have a lot
of things to do. Better than this.

It's really nice to see you again.

Oh. Yeah. Okay. Sure. Great.

Oh, you're backless.
Wasn't expecting that.

- Have fun at the party.
- You too.

Great to see you.

I see you. I see you. Yeah.

So I said, "You want..."

Hey. Hey. What's that look in your eye?
What are you about to go do?

Tonight is about the animals, dude.

Fuck the animals!
They're fucking gone, man.

Too late for the fucking animals.

Hey!

- Oh, Fred?
- Yeah, look.

- What's the problem?
- I'll tell you the problem.

- What?
- You're the problem, man!

You're everything that's wrong
with this fucking country.

'Cause you're an old,
rich, white piece of shit

and your media conglomerate
is ruining this planet!

- Enough.
- I'm done anyway.

I had more time with you
than I thought I would,

so joke's on you.
Excuse me, thank you.

Whoa, shit!

God!

Cracker down!

Oh, my God.

Looks like it hurt.

Boyz II Men, back up.

You all right? You good?

- You all right?
- I'm okay!

He's okay!

How is he standing?

- Oh!
- Ouch!

♪ Oh, no
That's the Ruff Ryder... ♪

This is so creative.

Ha-ha!

- What was that?
- Thank you, Tom.

God, that was crazy.

I mean, now that we know he's okay,
it was all so hilarious.

And so what is the relationship exactly?

- Was he your super?
- No.

We grew up next door to each other.

Yeah.

Fuck, I used to babysit for him.

- You babysat for him?
- I did.

Wow. Time has not been kind.

He was such a strange little kid.

But he was really funny.
And he was super smart.

He did have this chip
on his shoulder, though.

He's actually not a bad writer.

Wait, you've read his stuff?

Yeah, Brooklyn Advocate.

Oh, God, of course, you read that, Tom.

Didn't that paper just get sold off?

Wembley Media just bought them.

Oh, that makes total sense.

That's why he was
such a dick to Wembley.

So the rest of the schedule
for the day is pretty packed.

- Hi.
- Hey.

Did you like
any of those writing samples?

Yeah, McKenzie is good.
Bess is solid.

And, um, Fred's stuff isn't too bad.

Wait, not the...

the homeless person
that fell down the stairs?

Yeah. He has a real voice.

And he knows me. I mean, he knew me.

And that's probably a good thing
if he's going to be writing for me.

Bringing someone like that
onto the team,

I have to say,
feels a little reckless.

His writing is really good.
And it's funny.

I think he can
get that number up by a few points.

And if he doesn't, we fire him.

Okay.

Fred Flarsky it is.

Thanks.

All right, bye.

Unknown!

I don't give a fuck. Answer that shit.

- What?
- Answer it!

What if it's The Man trying to get at me?

No, it's the universe
trying to talk to you.

Really?

- Gang.
- Gang.

Do that shit, man.
Fred, don't fuck with me.

All right. Hello. Gang.

- Mr. Flarsky?
- What?

Wait, slow down. What?

- You're unknown. Pardon?
- Oh, my God. Mr. Flarsky.

- Hello?
- Go on.

This is Maggie Millikin
from Secretary Field's office.

Hello, Maggie,
who works for Secretary Field.

- Whoo!
- Hello?

That's good! Talk to her.

- Hello?
- How can I help you?

The secretary would like
to meet with you immediately.

We will send a car over.

Can you give me
the most convenient address?

- What is she saying?
- Secretary would like

to meet with me immediately
and they're going to send a car?

Mr. Lou's Deli in Brooklyn.

- I'm sure you can find it.
- I will google it.

- Mr. Lou's in Brooklyn. Stay right there.
- Okay.

Uh, I'll see you soon.

Oh, I feel so scared.

Do I look okay? Do I look funny?

- Why are these pockets here?
- It's okay.

God-fucking-damn it!

Why am I wearing
these fucking stupid pants?

They're too tapered!

Who wears these silly-looking,
fucking tapered cargo pants

and see the fucking secretary of state?

You can't think like this.
You have to be positive.

- Mr. Flarsky?
- Oh, shit.

Mr. Flarsky.

Wish me luck, man.

Yeah, you don't need luck, man.
She said it was okay. Luck is for losers.

You've got destiny on your side.

You're good. Fred.

You buy the body.

That doesn't mean anything.

Fred, put your seat belt on.

Take care of my friend. All right?

- I look normal?
- You look cool.

I love you, Fred!

Bad boys for life!

Empty your pockets
and take off your backpack.

Empty my pockets?

All right. That's...

Let's see how this goes.

Not a regular cop, I assume.

Got bigger fish to fry
than just normal cop shit, right?

So, uh, okay. Let's do it.

That's prescription. For anxiety. Uh...

This is if you can't dance
for a long time and you want to.

That's prescription as well,
for, uh, lack of energy.

That's energy powder.

These are to wrap
the anxiety medication in

when inhaling it medicinally.

That's if you want to vaporize
the anxiety medicine,

which I have
a prescription for.

And that's a blunt.

Ooh.

Hi.

Wow.

Will you sign this, please?

- What is it?
- It's an NDA.

A non-disclosure agreement?

- That's right.
- Okay.

- Oh, my God.
- Fred.

- Yeah.
- Hey, nice to see you again.

- Hi, you too.
- Come on in.

Take a seat.

Good to see you were
not injured from that fall.

Oh, yeah, you know what?

I actually think the brim of my hat
kind of protected my face ultimately.

So, thank God
I was underdressed in the end, right?

Well, as long as you're good.

- I'm okay.
- Yeah. Great.

Uh...

Why am I here?

What I'm about to share with you
is, obviously, highly confidential.

Oh, yeah.

Keep it on the down low.

President Chambers will not
be seeking reelection.

- Really?
- Yes.

That's fucking sick! That's awesome.

Are you telling each American
individually the good news?

I mean, but seriously.

Did he just realize he sucks at it
and decide not to do it anymore?

He just wants to move into film
and make movies.

- Really?
- Yeah.

That's cool. That's a tough
transition to make.

Not many actors have made
the leap from TV to film.

You got George Clooney,
you got Woody Harrelson...

Jennifer Aniston.

Mmm, did she though?

You don't think
Jennifer Aniston's a movie star?

Just 'cause you star in movies
doesn't mean you're a movie star.

The point is...

He's going to endorse me
for president in 2020.

Wow.

- I know.
- Mazel tov.

So.

We're headed to an environmental summit
hosted by King Gustaf

and the Swedish royal family.

At the summit, I'll be announcing
that the world's three largest polluters

have signed on to the most comprehensive
and exciting environmental deal ever.

You know, after I have some dairy,

I'm one of the world's
three largest polluters.

Excuse me?

We'll address rising sea levels,

combat deforestation

and protect the world's pollinators.

I'm calling it
the Global Rehabilitation Initiative.

Internally, we're referring to it
as "Bees, Trees and the Seas."

Soon after that,

I hope to announce that
100 countries have signed on.

- Wow.
- At which point...

I will resign as secretary of state.

Using this initiative as a springboard,

I will announce
my presidential run in 2020.

- Cool.
- So...

I need some writers
to punch up my speeches.

I read your work and I really like it.

That's... Wow.

You mentioned you were between jobs.
So it's a really good fit.

It's so nice of you to think of me at all,

honestly, with everything
going on in your head.

- I look forward to working with you.
- Thank you.

Um... So, uh,
when do you need to know by?

What? I don't understand.

When do you need to know
if I'm going to take your, uh,

your punch-up job?

Right now.

Oh. Uh... Then I guess,

maybe... Maybe, uh, no?

Maybe no, I don't know. I don't know!

You know what, Madam Secretary,
he's not interested. We tried.

It didn't work out.
So I can give you some writing samples...

What don't you know?

This whole Seas, Bees
and Trees thing.

Is it actually going to do something?

Or is it going to be one of those things

that maybe only sounds like
it's gonna do something,

but doesn't actually do something?

I only wanna come work for you
if it's actually gonna do something.

It will do something.

This is a perfect document.

They all start out that way
and then they get watered down.

Fred.

Not only does this initiative sound good,
it's going to do good.

It's gonna save the fucking planet.

Not to mention, pay your rent.

So, are you in?

Or do you have something
more important to do?

Than save the planet with you?

No, I don't. I'm in.

Whew!

Let's save the planet.

That was...

What just happened? She's good.

Uh, hey.

I had some jokes, uh,
I was gonna run by you,

maybe, if you have a second.

What are you...
What are you looking at?

- Jesus!
- Oh, my God!

Why would you just barge in here
while I'm sleeping?

- You were sleeping?
- Yes!

I was micro napping.

- That's what you call that?
- Yes.

Sorry, I didn't realize you were sleeping.

You were standing
and your eyes were open.

- Do you need something?
- I have some jokes that I wrote

that I was gonna run by you
if you have a second.

Yeah, that was actually
a really good nap.

Great. Seemed very restful.

Okay.

Whoa.

I feel like these jokes
are a little angry.

Oh. I thought maybe
they were, like, emphatic?

"With every fracking drill thrust,

we are literally
butt-fucking Mother Earth"?

It can be normal fucking.
It doesn't have to be in the butt.

I can take that part out.

Yeah, listen, Fred.

If I'm angry, I'm hysterical.

If I'm emotional, I'm weak.

If I so much as raise my voice,
I'm a bitch.

My job's hard.

Not as hard as mine.

I think maybe, like,
part of the problem

is that, like, a lot of humor is based
on, like, personal experiences.

I was thinking, you know,

you cared a lot
about the environment

- since high school.
- Mmm-hmm.

So maybe include some stories about that.

- High school?
- Yeah.

- You think that's funny?
- I think it's a good area.

Nostalgia, pop culture references.
People love that.

Jimmy Fallon's made
an entire career off of that.

When I think about school,
I just think about studying.

No, you did so much more than that.

I think your whole 1991 platform
was pretty on-point

when you were running
for Student Council.

I remember you said,
"Everyone at this school

pretends to care about the underdog,

but the planet Earth
is the biggest underdog of them all."

- Something like that.
- I said that?

Yeah, you did say that.

You were in the kitchen, making pizza.

We were making signs for your election.

And you were wearing that shirt.

I don't know if it was
a strawberry or a flower,

it always confused me.

It was both.

Oh, there you go.

That's all I remember
about that night, though.

Uh, that's where my memories
concerning that evening expire.

I learned a lot from that election.

Yeah, that kids are probably more likely
to vote for two proms

than a very elaborate recycling program.

Not only kids.

Yeah, that's true.

Did you know he asked me out
to one of those proms?

- Bill Sterling?
- Yeah.

After he beat you?

- Yup.
- Prom one or prom two?

Oh!

What a fuckhead!
You're way better than prom two.

I went to zero proms,
by the way, for the record.

I think you're the smart one
in this situation.

Yes, that's why I didn't go to prom.

'Cause I was too smart. Uh...

Cool. I'll get to work on
that speech stuff.

Great.

Hey, Fred.

Yeah.

You know, if you want to try
some non-joke stuff,

just go ahead.

Really? Like the main part of the speech?

Yeah. Just write.

Cool. Awesome. Thanks.

If you take another nap,

you should put on, like,
a bicycle helmet or something.

'Cause you're gonna tip over,
there's turbulence.

- That's actually a really good idea.
- It is. I want you to be careful.

- Yeah.
- We need you.

- Ambassador.
- Welcome to Sweden.

Nice to see you again.

Yeah, you too.

I look forward to seeing you
tonight at dinner.

Yes.

Uh, Madam Secretary,

I have some ideas
I wanna throw by you.

Yeah, soon, Fred.

Tom, do you have the schedule?

- Yes, of course, ma'am.
- All right.

In the back, Flarsky!

Then at 8:15, you have
a fitting for tonight's gala.

Then at 8:45, a call with
Iraqi Prime Minister Masum,

9:15, a call
to Brazilian President Temer

about deforestation issues.

2:15, you have a call with
UK Foreign Secretary Green

to discuss your tour
of Scotland in a few weeks.

2:25, then you have
a call with New York Times

to comment on POTUS'
latest Instagram attack

on Prime Minister Bharath of Kashtar.

At 5:45, we're meeting with the head
of Sweden's Diplomatic Protocol,

Ingrid Minervudottir,
to discuss tonight's schedule.

Okay. And then after that?

Also, Parker Wembley keeps trying to get

- some face time with you.
- Oh, God.

Parker can wait. Okay, Fred. Go.

Yeah, sure. Um...

So, uh, you know,

based on what we were
talking about last night,

I just took a stab
at the whole speech, basically.

That's good.

- Thank you.
- This part isn't.

Okay, well, you said
you didn't want to sound too angry.

I also don't want to sound
like I have a head injury.

Okay. Uh, I'll go change it.

Great. Thanks.

Okay, here we go.

So...

All right.

Fred.

Yeah?

Do you have any grown-up
clothes to wear tonight?

I was gonna... I was thinking

of zipping this up
all the way, like to here.

That's kind of a little more...
It's, like, slightly more buttoned up.

You know what, Madam Secretary,
I would be delighted

to dress Fred for tonight.

Thank you, Maggie. I'd be thrilled
to have you dress me for tonight's event.

What a fun adventure.

Get a little makeover.
All right, have a good one.

Thank you, Fred.

Why, thank you.

...and then it's saying hello,
you'll sit down, we'll have dinner,

- I'll pull you up...
- Where's Flarsky?

Why are we waiting?

What, is he doing his hair?

Um...

Oh.

What the...

What the fuck are you wearing?

She bought me this shit. Okay?

It's a traditional Swedish suit.

I don't see another
fucking Swede up in here

dressed like this.

It's all I could do
on such short notice.

You just take the jacket off,
it's going to make it better.

It's just... Make it look... Oh, my God.

Better with the jacket on? Great.

Razzing the new guy, I get it.
Fuck you, Maggie.

Calm the Smurf down.
Bring a fucking suit next time.

Did you like the speech?

Yes, the speech is good.

Oh, you're going to have to
stay way back there, Fred.

Just stay back, Flarsky.
Okay? She's got to focus.

On what?

Getting India and China to agree
to be a part of this initiative.

They haven't even agreed
to be a part of it yet?

They will. We just have to
sort out a few details.

We just wrote a whole speech
about how they're on-board already.

Don't worry, Fred.

You just stay here and make sure

nobody from Candy Land
needs their car parked, okay?

I don't know why you needed a writer.
Those are sick burns.

Secretary of State Charlotte Field
of the United States of America.

Your Majesty. Your Highness.

- Your Highness.
- Pleasure.

Oh.

No, thank you. I'm working right now.

And you know you are, too.

I do know that.

But you dressed me like
Cap'n Crunch's Grindr date,

so I'm going to drink
to make you uncomfortable.

Honestly, Fred, your entire life
makes me uncomfortable.

Oh no, fuck me.

Yes.

We both shop in the same
mystical village, I see.

Yes, you look great.

- Congratulations.
- Skål.

Skål. Skål to you, too.

Yes.

Jesus.

Hey, we're making
a few revisions to the speech.

- What?
- So we're losing the "Seas" part,

so go cut that, and then brainstorm

a couple of other funny lines
for the "Trees" section, okay?

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Losing the "Seas" part, why?

Because India wouldn't go for it.
So we had to pivot.

That's not a pivot,
that's a third of the whole fucking shit.

Are you kidding me?
That's it, it's just gone?

- Yeah, it's gone.
- And there's nothing we can do?

No. And you don't
have to worry about it.

Just go over to the computer.
Start typey-typing.

Well, no.

I'm not gonna do that.

So you quit, resignation accepted.
I will rewrite the speech.

Oh, the fuck you will! What the fuck?

- You don't...
- Let go!

Look out. Excuse me!

Stop running! Stop running!
Fred, stop running!

Fred...

Why did you do that?

Because I will not have you damage
the integrity of my writing!

The integrity of your writing?

You're a punch-up writer,
you're not Maya Angelou!

What is going on?

What's going on with you, bruh?

Did you just call me "bruh"?

- She's the secretary of state.
- Is he high?

He is wasted,
but he's also just stupid.

Meet me in the conference room,
I'll handle this.

What's the deal, Fred?

What's the deal? What's the deal?
What are...

The only reason I'm here
is 'cause you told me

you cared about this shit,

and in the time I come out here
to have a smoke,

you fucking got rid of a massive element
of the whole thing.

I got two out of three. I only lost one.

That one was the seas.

It covers 75% of the planet!

- It's a pretty big one!
- Bring down your voice.

You know why I'm upset?

This is exactly what I thought
was going to happen.

And I even said it.
I said it in your office.

I don't want to write
for some bullshit politician.

I wanted to write for you.

Because I thought you cared
about this shit.

Until you're running the game,
you have to play the game.

Well, then, by the time
you win the game,

you don't know who's scoring
touchdowns on whose nets,

and you don't know
who's hitting home runs

in whose fucking end zones!

- What are you talking about?
- I don't know sports.

Let me try it with food.

You wanna open a restaurant.
But all you got is chopsticks.

No! I don't have time for this, okay?

If you want to quit,
then just fucking quit.

- I don't give a shit.
- Yeah, you don't give a shit.

- No, I don't.
- You used to fucking give a shit,

but now you don't
give a shit about anything.

You cared more about recycling
in high school

than you do this shit
and it's very disappointing to me.

Fuck this.
I've got a speech to give.

Oh, yeah, good luck giving it.
It's on my computer in the snow.

I have copies, you idiot.

You just threw your computer
in the snow, that's it.

Oh, no! Shit!

Oh, Goddamn it!

It's soaked! I need a bowl of rice!

I need a big bowl of rice!

Goddamn it!
Why didn't I back this thing up?

All my shit's on here.

Fred. Look.

Wow.

I've never seen anything like that.

No, I...

I've seen pictures of it,
but I never...

actually...

I never saw it.

Are you crying right now?

It's pretty.

Yeah.

Fred?

Yeah?

If you ever pull
some shit like that again,

I'll have you thrown in Gitmo.

Yes, Madam Secretary. I'm sorry.

You better hope this fucking speech
goes over well.

I've often gravitated
toward the underdog.

The band of misfits who fight
back against the bullies.

In high school, I would talk
about the underdog a lot.

And I would often find myself
on a soapbox,

rambling on and on
about the injustices of the world.

Which makes you
extremely popular,

especially when everybody
would rather be watching

Beverly Hills, 90210.

But that is why I am happy
to announce

an initiative that would make
my 16-year-old self proud.

In what is now being dubbed
"The Underdog Speech,"

the secretary of state
opened up about her childhood

and passion for the environment

by announcing a bold new initiative...

...turns out she has always
been an Andrea Zuckerman

in the body of a Kelly Taylor.

- Hey.
- Hi.

Oh, wow, you shaved your neck.

I did. I cleaned it up.

Got my whole back.
Went all the way down.

Looks good.

Trying to make a good impression, I guess.
Anyway... I, uh...

I just wanted to apologize to you, again,

for acting a little crazy, you know.

I'm gonna...
I'm going to really try to tone it down

and not, you know, make you
risk global, uh, humiliation.

Good. Great.

Also, I googled speech writing

and it was actually very informative.

What I learned
was that in order to write better for you,

I should kinda get to know you better
and get in your head,

and everything
I already know about you,

I kinda used on the first speech.

So, what I did

was I wrote a ton of questions

that will maybe help me
capture your voice,

if you have a minute.

I actually have seven.

Seven. Okay, great. Yeah. I'll take it.

- All right.
- Seven minutes in heaven.

Um...

- Okay.
- So. Ah... I guess...

Just like... What are you into?
What kind of shit you into?

Well, this is pretty much it.

I mean, secretary of state stuff.

Do you have any hobbies?
Anything? Do you watch TV?

Do you watch Game of Thrones
or anything like that?

Oh, I'm fully aware of what happened
in every season of Game of Thrones.

Because you watch it?

Because I read synopses on every episode.

That can't actually work.

I couldn't believe when Khaleesi's dragon
came back as a White Walker.

Whoa!

- See?
- What about movies?

Do you watch movies?

Synopses of all the award contenders.

You used to love movies!

You made me watch Encino Man 30 times.

"Wheeze a little juice!"

You still do
the worst Pauly Shore impression

in the history of mankind.

I can't believe you're
still doing "The Weasel"

and you haven't seen
any of the Marvel Universe.

Those movies are sick.
You're, like, frozen in time.

I am Encino Man.

All right, what is your
favorite book as a kid?

The Velveteen Rabbit. You?

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.

- Oh, that explains a lot.
- Yeah.

I'm so sorry
for what we've done to you.

Best drug experience?

I could get summoned at any moment
to deal with an international crisis,

I can't do that on acid.

What about Molly?

Who's Molly?

Secretary of State
Charlotte Field

continues on her impressive
20-country world tour

to garner more support

for her ambitious
environmental initiative.

And all in a private jet, no less.

You know what would
save the environment?

Charlotte Field grounding her ass.

I know where I'd like to ground her ass.

Oh, I walked right into that one.

"Must Have Been Love" by Roxette.

- Oh! That's just fucking hot.
- Right?

- I got a new one.
- What?

I got to change my favorite song.

- You have too many.
- I've done it a few times.

"Broccoli" by DRAM,
featuring Lil Yachty.

All those words

- are the name of a song?
- Yeah.

I don't
really think I have one.

You gotta have one.
Everyone has one.

Well, I don't embarrass that easily.

Yeah, I hear that. I don't either, really.

- Yes, you do.
- No, I don't!

Oh, my God. Okay.

What's your favorite sexual position?

I mean, you know, front.

- Normal. Front facing normal.
- Oh, my God.

- What kinda question is that?
- That's all it took.

Look at you.

Well, what's your favorite
sexual position?

- Don't be gross, Fred. Hi.
- Yeah, see?

What's your favorite sexual position?

It's too complicated to explain.

- Really?
- I told you mine.

Oh, God, okay.

I had just got back
from a trip to New Delhi.

- Yeah?
- I got called into a meeting

with the Joint Chiefs,
and I was a little nervous.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

And my stomach was a little weird
from all the curry.

Oh, no.

Delhi belly.

Well, we were in a motorcade
and we couldn't stop.

- Oh, no.
- Mmm-hmm.

God...

I ruined a really nice
Dolce & Gabbana bag.

- You puked in it?
- Nope.

Oh, no! In a moving vehicle?

Do you actually understand
what's happening right now?

Yes, I speak Russian.

The Russian
Samuel L. Jackson guy is dope.

Do svidaniya, motherfuckers!

Oh, my God,
theyjust shot the pirate guy!

- But he's keeping the team together.
- I know.

- I don't think I can handle that.
- Oh, it's okay.

No, I really liked him in the movie.

Don't worry, just keep watching.

You know,
the Philippines gets a bad rap.

Because it's pretty nice here.

You'd never know a civil war
was about to break out.

This is good.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

Hey. What if we used
this line to start with?

Yeah, "I'm going to start this speech
by saying the same thing I said to my boss

at Blockbuster Video when I was 16.

I quit."

- That's not bad.
- I love that.

This is really fucking good.

Look at you, you get me, Fred.

I totally get you.

♪ All I want for my birthday ♪

♪ Is a big booty ho ♪

♪ All I want for my birthday... ♪

I couldn't be happier
that out of all the shit

I played you from the last decade,

that what you've liked
the most is 2 Chainz.

- It's catchy.
- It's awesome.

So, are you, like,
dating the prime minister of Canada?

- No. No.
- No.

I feel like I read... Did I read that

in some shitty tabloid
that you guys were dating?

Maybe it's not true.
No, I'm sure you did. It's...

They like to write about it,
but no. I...

We're not, we... We flirt.

- Yeah. Okay.
- Kind of.

It's weird. We made out once.

Dope.

You asked.

No, hey! I've hooked up with
my fair share of world leaders, too.

I 69'd Fidel Castro once.

You thought his beard was big.

Um...

But how does that work with you?
Do you, like...

Do you, like, date?

Uh... Yeah. I date.

Generally, you know,

with people who have
similar lifestyles to me.

People who travel a lot.

It's hard to keep those things alive. I...

I mean, who wants to
follow me around the world

and hope I have five minutes
to be affectionate?

- Yeah.
- And honestly,

guys don't really want to date women
who are more powerful than them.

They think they do, but...

It's a dick shriveller.

- Oof.
- Mmm-hmm.

Dick Shriveller is my favorite
Batman villain though.

So...

You gonna ask why I'm still single?

No, I get it.

- It makes sense.
- Yeah. It adds up.

We're right in front of the window.

What the fuck is happening?

Insurgents are fighting the army.

- Are we in danger?
- Yes! Yes!

Madam Secretary, we need to leave now!

Fuck!

This way!

All right, guys, come with me.

Come on.

Secretary Field, this way!

I got her, secure them!

This way.

You'll be safe in here.

- Oh, fuck! Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm okay. Are you okay?

- I'm okay. Yeah.
- We're okay.

- Okay.
- Okay. Okay. Holy shit!

Oh, we could have just died.

Oh, my God, I'm freaking out
a bit right now.

I'm having a hard time
catching my breath a little bit.

You don't seem like you're
freaking out very much.

I am! I'm employing
a Navy SEAL breathing technique,

for dealing with panicking.

It's just gonna take about
90 seconds to work.

90 seconds? I need more than
fucking 90 seconds!

I need 90 fucking years!

I'm fucked up for life
from this shit, yo!

I have so many regrets,
did so many terrible things!

When I was 12, I peed on a dog
to impress an older kid.

The dog didn't like it.
The older kid didn't either!

It was just pointless.

What the fuck?

Holy shit! Fuck!

Is there more? Is there gonna be more?

- Fred.
- Is there more?

- You're gonna have to calm down.
- I don't think I can.

Sit down with me.

And breathe.

Four seconds in.

Four seconds out.

Four seconds in.

One, two, three, four...

- Four seconds out.
- One, two, three, four...

- Four seconds in.
- One, two, three, four...

You don't have to count
while you're doing this.

It helps me.

- One, two, three, four...
- There you go.

One, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four.

- You got it.
- That shit works.

Those guys are good.

- We did almost just die, though.
- We actually did almost die.

- Yeah.
- Oh, thank God.

That actually makes me feel better.
Means I didn't overreact.

Oh, God, no,
you completely overreacted.

Yeah, maybe.

I can think of worse ways to go

than here with you.

Honestly, this has been like,

the best few weeks of my entire life.

You don't have to say it back to me.
I know it's not true for you.

I saw you sing with Bruce Springsteen
last year, at that benefit concert.

That was probably a way better week.

Just as an example.

Well, this is a pretty close second.

Really? To The Boss?

- Yeah.
- Wow. That's nice.

Uh...

I feel like maybe you want me
to kiss you right now,

but I don't want to make
the same stupid mistake

I made 25 years ago.

Wouldn't be a stupid mistake.

Wait... Really?

We've secured the location.

But we need to move you.
The helicopter is standing by.

Thank you, Agent M.

Holy shit.

That helicopter was way louder
than I thought it was gonna be.

- Fred, enough. Enough.
- I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

We're safe here though?

- Yes!
- Oh, my God, Fred!

- This way.
- This place looks really nice.

Fred, I need you to come work
on that speech with me, right now.

- Right now?
- Yeah. Right now.

Okay.

Hang on, get my pants off.

Okay, I gotta, too. Shit.

- We're doing it? Do it faster.
- Yeah!

I'm done! They're coming off!

Fucking tapered pants. Shit!

Fuck!

Okay, just leave it!
Just leave it! Leave it!

- Okay.
- Okay. Yeah.

Should I go in, then?

Yeah, enter.

Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, no!

- I'm gonna come really soon.
- Me too.

- Really?
- Yeah!

- Oh, God!
- Oh!

Oh, boy!

- Oh, God! Okay.
- Oh, my God!

- I'm coming out.
- Okay, come on.

Oh, God. Oh! Oh! Oh, fuck!

Wow. Oh, my God, I'm sorry.

I don't know what happened.

I usually last way longer than that.

- You know?
- Not me.

- That was weird.
- We both said, "Oh, boy" when we came...

- Yeah, that's what I was thinking.
- ...at the same time.

- That's never happened before.
- I've never said that.

- Yeah.
- Super strange.

- Oh!
- Should we do that again?

Yeah, my hands are shaking,
I need a minute.

Hmm.

Who's this little guy?

I was a writing an article about neo-Nazis
and I had to get a bottom half

of a swastika tattooed on me...

- Oh, my God.
- ...so they wouldn't kill me

and I didn't want that,

so I added little shoes and
I made him a little stick man

and I named him Adolf Stickler.

You'd never know
he had little swastika legs.

- No.
- He's so happy about it.

I know, they just look like pants.

You'd never know he was born
in the fires of hatred.

Man, I am hungry.

What time is it?

I couldn't tell you
what fucking day it is.

And where... Where are we right now?

I don't have a clue.

You don't know?

No. They just dropped us here.

They just took us here
on the helicopter.

- Good morning, Mr. Flarsky.
- Jesus!

You scared me, man.

Could you maybe not tell
anybody about this?

They wouldn't believe me anyway.

Fair enough.

Good luck, man.

Thank you.

These helicopters are scary.

It's gonna be fine, Fred. Just breathe.

One, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four.

I feel so happy right now!

Like, I'm beginning to realize,

I may have never been happy.

This might be the first time
I ever felt happy.

And it feels good.

This is, like, the best shit
that's ever happened.

There's like this crazy big
banquet thing tonight,

and she gave me
like a tuxedo to wear.

And it's not like a date,

but it kinda feels like a date.

How do I not fuck this up?
Seems impossible.

Dude, you just need to give
yourself affirmation, man.

You need to...

You need to say that
you're worthy of love, man.

I am worthy of love.

All right, now you gotta say it
10,000 more times, until you believe it.

Okay, look, I gotta go.

I have no fucking clue
how to tie a bow tie.

All right, man. Hey!

Be bold!

Hi.

You look really pretty.

Thank you.

You look really pretty, too.

Thank you.

Thanks for the suit.

We should probably head in.

- Shall we?
- Yeah.

Wow. This is awesome.

It's cool being in Argentina.

I think the guys
who killed my grandparents

are hiding here somewhere.

Shit, they got a band.

Do you wanna, uh, dance maybe?
Or grab a drink?

So there are representatives
from over 75 countries here tonight.

She has three hours to get out there,

- shake her money maker...
- Yeah.

...and get
as many commitments as possible.

- This is a work event.
- Of course, yeah. I get it.

We could, uh, maybe at the end
of the night, have a drink.

Yeah, if you have time.
Cool.

- We'll see.
- Yeah.

All right. Okay.

I know what's going on.

- What do you mean?
- You know what I mean.

- There's nothing going on.
- Don't fucking bullshit me, Fred.

'Cause my EQ is through
the goddamn roof.

And I understand and intuit
the nuances of social dynamics

like you wouldn't believe.

The two of you are having sex
with each other.

There's no way you could
discern something like that.

Charlotte told me.

- Really?
- No, but you just did, you fucking idiot.

Fuck! Shit! That was fucking very clever.

Jesus, well, you know what, yes.
Okay. We're sexing one another down.

- So?
- Ew.

Honestly, it's probably weirder to me
than it is to you.

Look, I can't believe
I have to say this,

but just so you know,
there's no way the two of you work.

Why would you say that?
You don't know that.

The public will never accept
the two of you together,

so neither will she.

Honestly, Fred, it doesn't matter
if you get it or you don't,

'cause the truth is,
she is going to realize it

for the both of you,
then you'll have your heart broken.

And that could be kinda fun to watch.

Ambassador Plenipotentiary!

Madam Secretary!

Excuse me.

- Ah!
- Parker.

Nope. Nope. Uh...

You know, we still have not
found time to sit down.

You know, it's not gonna happen.
I'm not gonna find time.

I will get my way on this.

I don't even know
what you mean by "this."

- But please have at it. It's all yours.
- Pardon me.

- May I have a word?
- Can you excuse me?

We're in the middle
of a conversation here.

- Of course. Yes.
- Oh, my God. You are a...

You look absolutely wonderful.

Oh.

I have to say, I have been
so impressed by your initiative.

Does this mean I can add Canada
to the list of countries taking part?

On one condition.

Let me guess.

You want fewer restrictions on lumber.

I don't care about lumber.

I just want a dance.

Sure.

Whoa!

Wow.

You know when you see something,

and it just looks right.

- Like a Kangol hat on Samuel L. Jackson.
- Mmm-hmm.

I'm worthy of love.

I'm worthy of love.

What the fuck are you saying?

Nothing.

Bonjour, ma'am.

Excuse me.

Agent E, look alive.

- Hi.
- Hey.

I hear you have a crush on me.

I do.

Kinda have a crush on you, too.

Well, that's cool.

Hey, I know I asked earlier.

But, uh...

Do you want to dance with me?

It's a dope song.

- Really fucking good song.
- Maybe the best song ever written.

Yeah.

I want you to fuck me from behind
and slap my ass really hard.

- What?
- What?

Nothing. What, did I say "what"?

Am I being too bossy?

No. No. No. No. Not at all. No. No.

I am. I am. I'm your boss all day,
and now I'm bossing you in bed.

- I'm sorry. I didn't mean it that way.
- No. Not at all.

My brain, honestly, just went
into shock a little bit...

Yeah, but you hesitated.

No, it's just not how
I imagined you liking things.

You know what? We'll do exactly
what you were imagining.

And then you turn me around
and slap me on my ass

and then choke me a little bit.

Oh, my God.

Whoa.

Frederick.

Margaret.

Hey, you forgot this... Oh, fuck!

- Gross!
- Um...

I thought you guys hated each other.

- We do hate each other.
- We do. Big time.

- We are also fucking.
- Ugh.

How long have you been fucking?

That was probably 20 minutes.

Not right now!

- Oh.
- A lot of questions. Um, I...

I would say anywhere between
two and five... Three and a half times.

I would say on my end, five.

Three and a half sounds right.

I don't know how
you're tallying that shit. That's sick.

Okay, first of all,
there's a woman present.

There's a woman in there, too?

- Excuse me.
- Easy.

- And I got it.
- Sorry.

- Again.
- Sorry, I'm...

A woman is present
and that woman is me.

- You?
- We're talking about her.

Trust me, I know, Fred.

Tom, I got this.

- Ugh!
- I'm gonna say good night.

- You tuck that in. Good night to you.
- And I will take my leave.

No. No way.
I'm not touching that shit.

- It's not the worst instinct.
- Guys, just...

- Those hands have been places.
- Good night.

With France's commitment,

US Secretary of State Charlotte Field's
Global Rehabilitation Initiative

has secured the support of 100 countries.

The president wants to talk to you.

We've set up the tent
in the next room, Madam Secretary.

Tell him hi.

Mr. President. Bonjour.

Charlie, bonjour.

Hey, what's this I hear about
an environmental treaty thing?

Oh, it's the Global
Rehabilitation Initiative, sir.

It's been on your desk
for the last three weeks.

Yeah, well, we ran it up the flagpole

and it's ruffling some feathers.

Sir, you are the flagpole.

There are actually quite a few
flagpoles in this joint.

We need you to revise it.

Sir?

We need you to kill the trees.

Why would he do that?

Because he's funded
by a bunch of fucking rich assholes

and I probably pissed one of them off.

Can I just say the optics of this
are actually not that different?

The initiative still has the same name.

It sounds very impressive,

which is ultimately all that matters.

I actually cared about this.

Now what am I fucking left with? Bees?

I don't even like bees.

Do you have to listen to him?

Yes. I have to listen to him.

Because unless he endorses me,
I won't win.

And this whole fucking show
would have been for nothing.

Well, maybe you don't need
his endorsement to win.

You know? People are digging your shit.

And your numbers are good.

You know what, Fred?
She needs a little alone time.

She probably just needs
a friend right now.

- Time to go, buddy.
- Oh, my God.

Maggie, just give me a second
alone with Fred, please.

I don't wanna do this job anymore.

I fuckin' hate it.

I mean, what's the point?

Every time I do something,
it just gets undone.

I'm sorry.

I just wanna be a normal person
and not give a fuck about anything

just like the rest of the world.

Yeah, most people don't
give a shit about anything.

I bet it's really nice.

That's what I want.

I don't know how to give that to you.

Let's get fucked up.

Fucked up?

- Yeah.
- Like a few beers fucked up

or more than that fucked up?

Like super fucked up.

I want to smoke a Molly with you.

What?

That's not, um...

That's not how you take it, but...

How do you take it?

It's a pill. You take it in your mouth.

But I don't know if you wanna do it.

Why not?

I just don't know if it's a good idea.

As your boss, I'm ordering you
to get me a Molly.

Oh, man.

- You good?
- I don't feel anything.

You don't feel it?

No, I don't feel a fucking thing.

Ooh! Wow.

- Whoa!
- "Whoa" is right.

Holy fuck...

No!

My jaw feels really weird.

Yeah, that's the drugs.

Drugs love a jaw.

- I want more.
- No, no, no, no.

Maybe in like an hour.

We should do it now.

Yes, motherfuckers!

I could do this forever!

We're gonna.

I know I've been like...

I've been, like, playing it pretty cool.

Like I've probably been
a little hard to read,

and I've been acting kinda, like, aloof,
maybe like I don't care that much.

But I don't wanna do that anymore.
I really like you.

You haven't been
playing it cool at all.

You just followed me into the bathroom.

Yeah, to talk.

- I really like you, too!
- Really?

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

- Madam Secretary!
- Yeah! Whoa!

Madam Secretary! Listen to me!

Dance with me, Steven! Dance!

We have a situation.

Huh?

Yo.

How much longer is this
Molly stuff gonna last?

We just re-upped.

You kept saying you wanted
to take more, so we did.

So we have another
maybe four or five hours.

Yeah. Why?

I'm in so much trouble.

What's happened?

- I'm gonna be in so much trouble.
- What's happening?

Are they out of water?

One of our U2s went down

while performing a standard
flyover in Kashtari airspace.

The pilot was able to eject,

but it appears he was taken
by the Kashtari military.

Thank you, General.

Prime Minister Bharath is refusing to
return the pilot to United States custody,

personally hurt by the many insults
hurled at him by POTUS.

Good job. All right.

It's gonna be okay in there, right?

That's up to you, ma'am.

Oh, God. You got this.

I could hold on to your sunglasses
for you, if you'd like.

Oh, no. I have alopecia. In both eyes.

Hello.

Secretary Field!

Oh, my God!

Hello, Bharath? Hey.

I hear we have a situation here?

One that we both probably want resolved...

very quickly.

You're not going to bully me this time,
Madam Secretary.

Your man will stay here

until your president
personally apologizes to me.

Over Instagram.

- He won't do that.
- Yeah, no. Yes...

- Yo.
- Yes?

Can I level with you?
Can I fill you in on something?

Go ahead.

Me and Charlotte, we're fucked up
right now. We're on drugs.

First of all,
I don't wanna talk about that.

Why? We can't talk about the dr...
Do you know we're on drugs?

I don't wanna talk about that
in this room.

What's happening?

We're on drugs right now.

That's funny. That's a funny joke!

What's a joke? We're on fucking drugs.
She's negotiating while...

Are we going somewhere?

What is that?

What is happening?
We're on drugs right now.

So you're admitting
that the United States government

ordered these planes to spy on my country?

No.

No! No! Of course not!

That's what it sounded like.
Face it. You have no leverage here.

Match his aggression, Madam.
It's the only way out of this.

I don't know.
He seems really fucking pissed off.

Well, get more fucking pissed.
Let him know who's really in charge.

Oh, my God, that really hurt.

I gotta be honest, I'm not...
I'm not feeling all this aggression stuff.

I'm into more of, like, a chilled vibe.

You know, I'm just feeling...

God, are those Gauloises?

Just, I'm so... Just...

I'm just gonna bum one.

Just give me one sec. Don't worry.

Bharath.

- Hello?
- Listen.

Mmm. Mmm.

You and I are in the same boat, my friend.

- How is that the case?
- We both have to deal with my boss.

And we both think he's an asshole.

You also think he's an asshole?

Oh, my God, he's such an asshole.

His stupid fucking TV show
was, like, good for three episodes

and then it just didn't make any sense.

Fuck, it feels good to say that.

Listen.

You need to keep this on the real DL.

We both know that the US

does not negotiate with terrorists.

But...

we do negotiate with homies.

So if you give us our guy back,

I'm gonna hook you up
with a sweet aid package.

So not only do you not have to
keep a guy hostage,

which is a pretty shitty thing to do.

I mean, I've done it myself.

Don't tell anybody. Super classified.

It sucks. I hate it.

Yeah. So...

why don't we instead...

save a ton of lives?

I mean, that's pretty
fucking awesome, right?

I think this is a really good idea.

What do you say?

Ma'am.

Hostage saved, motherfuckers!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! You did it!

She did it! She did it! She did it!

I'm here with
Secretary of State Charlotte Field

who, after a tense
and complicated negotiation with Kashtar,

has secured the release of the pilot
of the US spy plane that went down

over Kashtari airspace.

I know, right? So crazy.

This is all in the midst of the success
of your environmental initiative,

which I understand has secured
the support of 100 countries.

- Yes, um...
- Ooh. Sore subject.

I'm very happy to announce that

not only do I have the support
of those 100 countries,

but the president himself
called me personally

just to tell me how psyched he is
about this initiative.

- Did he call? Did he call?
- That didn't happen.

...don't change a word,
especially the part, uh, with the trees.

- That's a lie.
- So, all in all, I'm just...

I kinda feel like I'm just
kinda crushing it right now.

- Thank you so much.
- Thank you.

- So...
- Thank you.

The incredible Charlotte Field,

who clearly still feels the effects of
the intense all-night hostage situation.

After negotiating the release
of Lieutenant Gary Smith...

Charlotte Field's popularity
continues to skyrocket...

In the newest Gallup poll, 68%...

Are women mentally unfit
to hold the presidency?

Here to chat about it is Chris Brown,

Jeremy Piven, and Brett Ratner.

In the wake of her successful
hostage negotiation,

Charlotte Field's poll numbers
keep going up.

I'd like to apologize
to Charlotte and anyone out there

who was upset yesterday
when I called her Booby McBoobson.

- Uh, I meant that, obviously, as...
- Give me the president's office.

Yep?

- Can I talk to you for a second?
- Of course.

- We got new polling I thought I'd share.
- All right.

It feels like everything
is kinda falling into place for us.

So we thought we'd dig deeper
and make sure there's no surprises.

- Why are you acting so weird?
- It's good.

We got some really helpful feedback.

From the public.

So we asked a thousand constituents
how they would feel

- if, say, Princess Di...
- Hmm.

...if she were to start dating Guy Fieri.

I don't even know who that...

They don't like that.

- Yeah.
- Or Kate Middleton...

were to start dating Danny DeVito.

- I see where you're going with this.
- Pretty negative reaction.

Or if Jennifer Lawrence
were to start dating

this potato in a teal windbreaker.

They'd be very upset.

- He did a lot of work, and I...
- Well, but, can I just finish?

No, that's, like, a lot of... I get it.

Madam Secretary, I have no desire
to limit your romantic life.

Good.

But the optics of you and Fred will make
a presidential run very challenging.

Fred is a journalist.

Who's written some
extremely fucked-up stuff.

No, that's exposed
some really fucked-up stuff.

And I just want to know for myself,

you're comfortable with putting
everything on the line for a hookup?

Oh, my God.
Why are we having this conversation?

This is insane.
I don't have to explain myself to you.

I'm sorry. I really don't understand this.

I fucking love you, Charlotte.
I want you to be happy.

But more than that, I want you
to be in charge, to be president.

For the sake of the future of our country.

Look, there's another option.

There's a guy who works
for the Secret Service whose job it is

to handle the mistresses...

Maggie, you're gonna have to stop.

There are a series of tunnels
in the White House that Woodrow Wilson...

That's enough.

Fred is not an idea that
I am floating by you for your approval.

And you're getting very close
to crossing a line.

Okay. Got it. Good night, Madam Secretary.

...would have
a huge impact on young women.

When I grow up,
I want to be Charlotte Field

because she's smart and pretty
and she's gonna be president.

I will be that little girl's president.

Thank you, and God bless America.

Massive applause.
Massive cheering.

At that point,
I think the stage would descend. Right?

And then Lil Uzi Vert or Charli XCX would
join hands with the Harlem Boys Choir...

Well, I said we'll figure that out later.

Uh, Madam Secretary, the president
would like to see you right now.

Shit.

Damn it! The nation is at war!

I find myself torn.

Torn between my personal love
and my love of country...

Sir, is this a good time?

Oh, hi, Charlotte.
No, I'm just running lines.

- Oh.
- All right, clear the room.

- Everybody. Just Charlotte, please.
- Good job, Mr. President.

Thanks.

Is everything okay, sir?

Oh, look who it is.

She's here at last.

You gotta love that secret door. Sit down.

This feels like an ambush.

Well, in the entertainment world
we call this a surprise walk-on.

You see, Charlotte,
we have a number of business interests

that, you know, may be gravely affected
by this agreement of yours.

Yeah, uh, aside from getting into film,

I'm looking to use my connections
as president

to expand my investment portfolio.

Sort of like an Ashton Kutcher
type thing, you know.

I mean, that guy's killing it
with acting and investing...

I think what the president
is trying to say

is that the server farm
we want to build in Alaska

is sitting on ten miles of land which
will now be protected by your initiative.

Move your server farm.

We want to build it in Alaska.
There's plenty of room for expansion.

Charlotte,
I'm surprised that it's come to this.

You're usually so agreeable.

But I watched you undermine me
on TV the other day.

TV of all places.

That's my medium. All right?

You used TV against me!

That was your first mistake!

Look, I'm about to give you
the easiest ultimatum

that you're ever, ever gonna receive.

Drop the tree thing.

- Or?
- Or...

we will release the content
of your friend's hard drive.

We found a lot of interesting stuff
when we hacked into his webcam.

Now here is a little taster.

Yo, Charlotte, it's Fred.

Uh, you want to come to my room
and have sex with me really fast?

Oh, no, don't worry.
I'll find ways to kill time today.

It's cool. Just let me know
when you're back. Great.

...important to me.

That's a good speech.

The band of misfits fight back...

- Nice dress.
- ...against the bullies.

Never giving up. Never laying down.

In high school,
I would talk about the underdog a lot.

And I would often find myself on a soapbox

rambling on and on about
the injustices of the world.

Which makes you extremely popular,

especially when everybody would rather
be watching Beverly Hills, 90210.

Gustaf, you look like a Dylan guy.

Is that right? Yeah, I see...

Oh, wow.

The Global Rehabilitation Initiative...

Oh, boy!

Oh, no. Yucky.

- Oh, boy!
- What the fuck?

Oh, my God! I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry this happened.

- You don't have to be sorry.
- What do we do?

This is what everyone was afraid
was gonna happen because of me.

And now it's happening because of me.

- Do I get a publicist?
- No.

- Do I do a publicity tour?
- Stop.

- Do we have a press conference?
- Fred, listen to me.

I took the deal.

What?

We scratch the tree thing, and I have
a real shot at becoming president.

And some... billionaire...

motherfucker gets to blackmail you,
using me...

doing something that everybody does,

out of a policy that you cared about
since you were in middle school.

Since I've known you,
you've cared about this.

And now you're just gonna get rid of it?

I'm trying to compromise here
for a bigger goal.

- Well, I don't think you should right now.
- Oh, my God!

Of course you don't think I should.

You never compromise
for anything in your life,

which gives you
the perfect excuse to fail.

Well, it's better than maybe bending over
backwards for anyone who asks,

to the point that you don't even know
why you're doing this shit anymore!

In my world, in order to achieve
what I'm trying to achieve,

- I have to compromise.
- Oh, why? 'Cause you're a woman?

- Yeah, motherfucker.
- Okay, that makes sense.

And because I'm not giving up
everything I've ever wanted

just because it doesn't
live up to your moral code.

I don't care if this tape comes out.
I really don't.

- Oh, my God, Fred.
- I'll be okay.

You don't have to do this for me.

You're not doing this for me.

Obviously.

Look... you and I both know

the woman who stands beside the guy
who's coming on his face

gets way more scrutiny than the guy
who's actually coming on his face.

Don't know if that's happened enough
for there to be a precedent for it, but...

So, who knows? Maybe that won't be
the case this time. Who knows?

Maybe people will think it's romantic.
I'm jerking off to you.

You don't know how people are gonna react.

I'm not taking that risk.

I can't do it.

Okay.

So the video doesn't come out.
What happens to us?

I was talking to Maggie, and...

she knows this consultant
who could scrub your history.

We could make sure nothing else like this
pops up and surprises us.

And then we just... we work on your image,

and we figure out how we want to present
ourselves as a couple to the public.

That's all.

- Okay.
- Okay.

How long will it take, do you think,

to... to create an image of me
that we can present to the public?

Just through the first couple of months
of... of the campaign.

You think? But you don't know that, right?

It could take longer than that.

In a couple of months, you could find
that it's not a good moment

to introduce a new boyfriend, right?

And then we'd have to wait
a couple more months.

I don't know how long
it's gonna take, Fred.

And then meanwhile,

you're pretending not to date me.

And you're scrubbing my Internet history,
so all my articles are gone.

And you, like, sneak me around
like I'm Marilyn Monroe and you're JFK?

Is that what we're talking about?

I just want to be clear
that's what we're talking about.

And we have to do that because I'm...

not right.

And then once we present us to the world,

we present a version of me that isn't...

actually me?

Yeah.

I can't do it.

I wish... that I was the type of person
that could, but I can't.

You don't have to do it.

Don't know what the fuck
I was thinking.

Don't know why the fuck
I thought someone like her

and someone like me could work.

She's a fucking politician.
Like, I don't even know her.

Like, I don't know who she is.

She has no moral compass.

She's working with Democrats one day,
Republicans the next fucking day.

What's wrong with working
with Democrats and Republicans?

That's the whole country.

Uh, yeah, except fuck Republicans,
I guess is the problem with that.

Speaking as an American,
shouldn't you see both sides?

Yeah. I see one side's fucking wrong.

What's the problem here?

I'm a Republican.

You're fucking joking right now.

Member of the GOP. Yeah, you know me.

You're a Republican?

Yeah, I'm a Republican!
This shit has worked out so far for me.

What the fuck, man?
All that shit you're always saying to me!

Pull yourself up by your bootstraps.
And being in charge of your own destiny.

- Republican shit.
- And it worked on me!

And it works on a lot of people.

- Oh, that's fucking sick!
- That's right.

Ugh! That's gross!

That Republican shit,
you put it in my brain

and it made me feel good...
that's fucked up, man!

Come on. This is what I'm talking about,
your negative way of thinking.

- I don't even know you!
- What do you mean?

I'm the same dude from two minutes ago.
Your best friend.

Why did you never tell me this?

'Cause I knew you'd act
exactly how you're acting right now.

Wait a minute.

You're always talking about how, like,
the universe has a plan for all of us.

Take it easy.

There's someone watching
over us at all times.

- Yeah.
- Does that mean...

I'm a man of Christian faith.

What the fuck!

- Come on now! We pray for you!
- Don't pray for me! Keep it!

- Lord...
- Oh, stop it. Ignore him, God!

- He doesn't mean that.
- Don't pray for me!

- You are trippin' right now.
- I'm not! How could you be Christian?

I wear this cross every day
since you've known me!

- What did you think it was for?
- I thought it was a...

cultural thing.

You mean, like, 'cause I'm black?

That's what I thought, yeah.

That might be. But that don't mean
what you said ain't racist.

- You're right.
- Yeah, I know I'm right!

- Fuck.
- That's racist as shit!

All right, dude, I love you, man.

But you're very judgmental.

They don't want politics to get into this,
because you've never really been good

at looking at shit
from other people's perspective, Fred.

I know.

It might explain why you haven't been able
to look at this through Charlotte's eyes.

I'm sorry you couldn't be who you are
around me and had to hide your true self.

- That's really fucked up.
- It's all right, man.

But my love for the GOP and the G-O-D

has nothing to do with us.

I'm racist. You're a Republican.
I don't know what the fuck's going on.

Pollsters suggest
I should get into yoga.

Which I did and it turns out,
I don't really like yoga.

Don't you sometimes just wish
you could say, "Fuck the polls"?

Well, polls say that people
find my laugh unattractive.

So I shouldn't laugh in public.

That was a bit of a bummer,
'cause I really... I like to laugh.

- A lot.
- Hmm.

Um, but we came up with another laugh
that was better.

- That's more, uh... presidential, I guess.
- Hmm.

- That's good.
- A lot of teeth and not so much sound.

- Yeah.
- Mmm.

So, um, after dinner,
how about we go for a drink somewhere?

Ooh.

I know this great little place
not too far from here.

It's called Mini Bar.

It's quite exclusive.
You need a little key to access it.

And you get charged
as you remove the bottle.

Mmm.

It's actually more of a small fridge
than a bar, and it's in my room...

- No, I get it.
- I'm inviting you back to my room.

I...

- That was my real laugh.
- Mmm!

I don't know why
they told you not to use that laugh.

It's...

Big day tomorrow, Madam Secretary.

...amid rampant
speculation that tomorrow...

Yeah. Big day.

...will be a campaign announcement.

Okay. "Hey, it's Fred."

Hello?

Beep.

Oh, uh, guess I got your voice mail.
Um, hi.

It's Fred.

I guess I wanna start
by saying I'm really sorry.

You were right about everything
and I was wrong about everything.

And we should go along with the plan.

I can be Marilyn. I can be your Marilyn.

I'd rather be your Lady Bird,

because, you know,
LBJ put a ring on that finger.

But I would do anything to continue
to be able to be with you.

Okay, bye.

So, we're losing the trees, huh?

Yeah. POTUS talked me out of it.

I know that meant a lot to you.
I'm so sorry.

Mmm, nothing we can do about it.
We need his endorsement.

- Yep.
- Yep.

And I am sorry about you and Fred.

You know, he called last night.

He said he'd do it.
He'd go along with the plan.

Really? Wow.

That's a shock.

Um... okay.

- I-I'll start to make arrangements.
- No, Maggie.

There's nothing to do.

At the end of the day,
it was never gonna work.

Well, today is such a good day,

and I am so excited.

We should be psyched.

So psyched. Yeah.

- All right, I will see you out there.
- All right.

Hey, man.

Can I get a beer?

- Thanks for coming.
- No problem, bro.

How you feelin' though?

Okay, you know, you were right.

I called her. I left a message.
She didn't call me back.

So... whatever.

You sure you wanna watch this?

Yeah, I have to.

Madam Secretary,
I'd like to introduce you to Lil Yachty.

He's going to be performing
after the speech.

Pleasure to meet you, Mr. Yachty.

I'm a big-ass fan.
I'm so excited to vote for you.

- I'm sorry, it's game time.
- Okay.

Good morning!

Thank you, everyone,
for being here with me today.

Let me start by saying something
I haven't said since I was 16

and worked at Blockbuster Video.

I quit...

I helped write that joke.

That's a good joke.

...as secretary of state,

in order to run for president
of the United States of America.

God bless.

And I'm honored

to have the full support
of President Chambers,

a man I greatly admire,

a man who is an extraordinary leader.

Man, you know who you should date?

Taylor Swift.

Hell, yeah. I could see that.

Why... Why do you think
I could date Taylor Swift?

Fred, you were dating Charlotte Field.

- That's the most powerful woman on Earth.
- Oh, I get it.

I don't know what me and Taylor Swift
have in common.

Y'all white.
Ain't got a care in the world.

That's true.

But this campaign is not about me.
It's about you.

It's about us.

It's about how together

we can build the future
our fellow Americans deserve.

I have dreamt about this moment...

ever since I was a little girl
growing up in the nation's capital.

And I know that if that young girl

could see me standing up here right now...

she would be so...

she would be...

What's happening?

sh-she would be so
disappointed in me, actually.

Yeah, the truth is, that girl...

would want me to be honest
and have integrity

and not be blackmailed
by evil people with evil agendas.

So instead, I'm just gonna...

I'm just gonna tell the truth,
and whatever happens, happens.

So here we go.

Parker Wembley
and our dumb-fuck president...

Whoo!

...are doing some evil shit together.
And because I just told you now,

they're going to release
a video of a guy I dated

jerking off all over himself.

Release the video.
Get the fucking thing online!

But don't slut-shame me. I...

I like him. I like him a lot.

Fred, you gotta go to her.

Go get her ass, man.

And he jerks off.

And so do all of you.

- Hell, yeah.
- So deal with it.

Deal with it, America.

Hey! I'm Fred!

Is that an XL?

I've got five stars in it
if you could speed this shit up, man!

We'll give you extra tip, real tip.
Not Uber tip! Cash tip!

Get back! Get back!

- Where are we going?
- I don't know.

She's leaving?
Where is she going?

Shit, I don't know.
This isn't on the itinerary.

- You have to think past the itinerary!
- I can't.

I just got a Wembley news alert
with your name on it.

Don't open it!

Oh, yeah! Oh, boy!

Oh, Fred!

Oh, no. Oh, no.

Hey, it's all right, man.
You know, we all got our things.

- I don't bust a nut on my face, but...
- It's not like a thing I do!

Do you think that'll, like, go viral?

This is the news!

- Fuck.
- Oh, shit!

Excuse me. Move, damn it!
This man is in love.

Secretary Field just drove away.
No comment as to her destination.

We're gonna keep tracking
this story for you...

Yo, check it out.
It's the come guy!

- Where? That's him?
- Oh, sir.

Just a couple of questions.
We're live right now.

No! I'm "come guy"?

No comments at this time, thank you!
Thank you! Thank you!

- Do not touch him!
- Where the fuck is she?

Hi.

Holy shit.

Did you see my speech?

Yeah. I think everyone saw it.

Yeah.

You know, your video's out there.

Yeah, I caught that.

Here's the deal. I love you.

I know I do.

Because I've never been
so scared in my entire life.

And I once shared an elevator
with Saddam Hussein.

Just me and Saddam.

And this is way scarier.

I love you.

You're really gonna have to say something
right now, because I'm freaking out.

I've been in love with you
since I was 12 years old.

Oh.

Hello?

Hey, Fred, uh, there's
a million people out here

and they want to talk to the candidate
and the come guy.

So, I figured they'd hit you.

Fred!

Fred!

A crazy day.

But I'm really glad you're all here.

I'd like to introduce you to someone.

This is Fred.

Hi there.

My boyfriend.

Whoo!

You kind of know him already,

but you'll get to know him a lot more
in the next few months...

'cause he's gonna be right by my side
on my campaign trail.

Wakanda forever!

Charlotte! Charlotte!

Charlotte! Charlotte!
Charlotte! Charlotte!

I started this chant!

I started that chant!

...that I will faithfully
execute the office

of the president of the United States.

What a momentous day.
Our first female president.

I never thought I'd see it.

Well, I mean, a lot of people
are gonna say

this is a historic moment
for women everywhere.

But do we want her finger on the button
when it's that time of the month?

I wouldn't want my wife making any
decision during that time of the month.

You know what? Fuck you guys. I quit.

Looks like it's someone's
time of the month.

Looks like Aunt Flow is going to work
down at the Red River Casino... Oh!

Jesus Christ! Quick, quick, cut!

Hi! I'm the First Mister
of the United States of America.

My name is Fred Field.

I took my wife's last name.

And, uh, I'm gonna give you
a tour of the White House.

We're starting with the portraits
of the first spouses.

Here we have Mamie Eisenhower.

Jackie Kennedy.

We have the beautiful
Lady Bird Johnson's portrait.

And that leads us into my portrait.

It was painted by Todd McFarlane,
who created the Spawn comics, of course.

The first versions
were a little over the top.

Hi, guys.

I used to think the best way
for me to change the world,

to make it a better place
was through journalism.

And I've realized
that's not at all the case.

Really, the best thing
I could be doing for the world

is just supporting this amazing person
and just trying to learn from her

and kinda just trying to be
the best First Mister I can be.

I actually got a tattoo
of the First Mister insignia.

- He did.
- There we are.

- You're wearing mittens.
- I got little mittens on.

If you think of where this tattoo started
to where it ended up,

it really has an amazing arc to it.

What are some of the perks
of your new roles?

Well, I finally get to enact
my vision for America.

I finally got to find out
who killed Kennedy.

- Oh, my God. Don't you dare.
- I won't say.

- Don't.
- I won't say.

- Fred, I'm not kidding around.
- It's not who you think!

- Don't do it.
- It's pretty surprising.

He's my Mister.

I'm her Mister. And she's my president.