Original subtitles

Mmm.

Babe, you did your thing with this pot roast.

-Yeah, Mom. -Aw. Thank you,

but as usual, I made too much.

Well, Miss Tina, if you don't mind,

I'd be happy to take the rest of this to the shelter.

-That is so sweet. -Yeah.

Yes. Yes, it is.

And, uh, which shelter are you taking it to?

The Cresthaven men's shelter.

-Oh. -That's his apartment, Tina.

Uh... mm-mm. Malcolm, you know the rules.

No phones at the dinner table.

I'm sorry, Mama. I'm just,

I'm waiting on a work email.

-Oh. -Yep, that's right, son. Family first.

Hell yeah!

"Hell yeah" what?

"Hell yeah" family first.

-That's right. -Mm-hmm.

That's right.

Mama, Daddy's watching the basketball game.

-Wow. -What?

-You got to be kidding me. -Baby...

See, that's why Malcolm's my favorite.

And that's why I snitched.

Malcolm, why are you getting work emails at 7:00 at night?

Because the emails are coming from Dubai tomorrow morning.

-Who's in Dubai? -Mercedes.

The, um, real housewife that I'm ghostwriting for.

She's celebrating her divorce in Dubai,

so the whole cast is there.

She's divorcing Garnett already?

He-he was her soulmate.

Oh, my God, this season is gonna be so good.

Well, apparently my book is not going to be good.

I'm getting all these notes from her people

saying that I'm not "capturing her voice."

Ah. Well, here's an idea.

Watch her damn show.

Why? I already watched, like, a hundred viral clips.

-Mm. -All it is is a bunch of rich women

who don't do anything, Ma.

Just brunch and Pilates, brunch and Pilates.

No, I'm not ghostwriting her autobiography.

It's a romance novel.

Malcolm, you have to watch her show to get her essence.

She has layers.

All right, fine. I will watch the show.

-Thank you. -Yeah.

You got to be kidding me.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen. Amen.

Calvin.

Give me the damn phone.

Oh...

That-that's my phone.

Cal-Calvin, you-you got to get it back.

I'm in the doghouse, Trey.

Did you see where she put it?

It's gonna be at least a week

before I get anything out of there.

♪ Welcome to the block, welcome to the neighborhood ♪

♪ Welcome to the hood. ♪

Hey, honey.

Uh, can't help noticing you have a dogsled.

Yes, I do, Dave.

Remember that silent auction at school

where I asked you to start the bidding on a few things

to get people excited?

Well, it didn't get them so excited,

so... here we are.

I do remember. You know...

...this is from the movie Snow Dogs.

Signed by Cuba Gooding Jr.

Can't believe it went for the minimum bid.

Oh, not just that. We also got

a hot air balloon ride in Ojai,

a full-body skin cancer check...

Ooh, this one might actually be fun.

A four-person box at the Hollywood Bowl.

Box seats. I've always wanted to know what it would feel like

to sit in the lap of luxury.

What-what is it? Ooh, I hope it's a Grease sing-along.

You could be Sandy, I could be Rizzo.

Why wouldn't you be Danny?

I don't know, Rizzo speaks to me.

Okay.

Well, it's not Grease, it is

"Tchaikovsky Under the Stars."

Oh.

Well, he's good, I guess.

We're always saying that we want to see

-more classical music. -We do.

And it's free.

I-I mean, it was $350,

but we already spent it, so now it's free.

Dave? Is that a dogsled?

Ooh. It's not just any dogsled.

Perhaps you remember the movie Snow Dogs?

Oh, yeah, the one with the Saint Bernard.

The... No, that's Beethoven.

Is that the big red dog?

That's Clifford the Big Red Dog.

Okay, if you say so.

Well, Gemma's school had a silent auction.

Got a pretty sweet haul.

Including a box at the Hollywood Bowl.

-Oh, now, that's cool. -Isn't it? I mean, it's Tchaikovsky.

Otherwise, we would have invited you and Tina.

"Otherwise"?

What do you mean, "otherwise"?

Well, it's Tchaikovsky. It's classical.

Yeah, I know who Tchaikovsky is.

Oh. Well, I just, I didn't think that was your thing.

Oh, not our thing?

What, because Tina and I are too uncultured

to like classical music? Is that it, Dave?

No, no. No, look,

I-I just had always thought of you

as more of a-a jazz, soul...

L'il Side Baby type of guy.

Oh, okay, okay, now I get it.

Thanks for clarifying.

What, do you just picture me standing over a trash can fire

warming my hands singing doo-wop?

♪ Doo woo... ♪

No, come on. Calvin, I didn't say that.

Well, you didn't have to. Eh, a lowbrow like me

couldn't possibly appreciate classical music

the way a sophisticate like you does.

Ha. I got it.

Calvin, I didn't mean it like that.

You know what? Why don't you and Tina come with us?

You know what? We will.

Great. Looking forward to a night

of Tchaikovsky.

Oh, yeah.

Tina, do you want to hear the crap

that just came out of Dave's mouth?

Is this about black spatulas being toxic again?

I am not replacing all my spatulas.

No.

Dave got tickets to the Hollywood Bowl,

but didn't invite us because he assumed

that we don't like classical music.

How ignorant is that?

Hey, do you want to hear something crazy?

Calvin wants to go to that concert with us.

Really?

Yeah, you know, you think you somebody.

Turns out, he loves classical music.

I hate classical music.

Then why are we going?

Because he assumes that we don't want to go.

I mean, Dave thinks he's more cultured than us

because he likes music with a clarinet

and that big-ass violin.

Cellos?

No, babe, you know, the-the violin.

The big one, they put it on the floor.

With-with the pointy leg.

You know...

That's definitely a cello.

Good. Good, good.

You know what? I can't wait to let his ass know I know that.

Oh, well, it'll be fun to have them along.

Remember, we always talked about

going to see more classical music.

Yeah, and yet you notice we never actually went?

Look, truth is I'm not into that stuff.

You know, my mom used to make me go, but only because

her special friend Steve played the French horn.

So just give them all four tickets.

And let Calvin think that I'm some sort of bumpkin?

No way. We have to go.

We have to go, Tina.

-Why? -To make a point.

Just because we don't happen to like classical music

doesn't mean that we aren't classical music people.

That's exactly what it means.

Wow.

-Whose side are you on? -What?

So you and Calvin will bring sandwiches to the concert,

and Dave will bring a charcuterie board.

Oh. Is Dave going to do

all those weird origami things with the cold cuts?

He sure is. You know Dave loves his meat flowers.

-Tina. -Yeah?

Brought back your Tupperware.

Hey, any chance you made lasagne last night?

Get away from me.

I'll just put these on the table.

Okay, so let's talk wine.

Mm. Well, we'll be at the Bowl for like three hours.

How many bottles should we bring?

For classical music? A case.

What?

It's not gonna be that bad.

-Mm. -Look, if you want to have

a good time at something boring,

my extensive research suggests you should take gummies.

Gummies, huh?

Well, it's an idea.

But... should we?

-I mean, we have to. -We can't.

-It's fine. -But we could.

-We'll have wine, too. -I don't know.

Let's go.

Look... look, I'm telling you,

it's gotten me through a lot of things

that I didn't want to go to.

Oh. Gemma, we are doing it.

We're so bad.

Trey, do you know any dealers?

Dealers? This is California.

There's five weed shops on Marengo.

Hey, look. Tell them Trey sent you,

you'll get ten dollars off.

Which one?

Any one of them.

Oh, good news.

The tickets came with a parking pass.

Uh, just so you know, it is stacked.

-So? -I'm just saying, if you want

to leave the concert early, you won't be able to.

Are you saying that you want to leave early, Dave?

No, no, no.

No, not me. Don't be silly.

I can't get enough Tchaikovsky.

Oh. Me, either.

Did you know that he died of cholera

nine days after the premiere of his Sixth Symphony?

-Oh, yeah, no. I-I knew that. -Yeah, it was, uh, 18, uh, 93.

Nine, nine, nine, nine... 93. Yeah, that's the year he died.

-Yeah, I'm-a pop my gummy now. -Oh, God, yes.

Be cool, be cool, be cool.

Dave's a narc.

Oh. Oh, God.

That nagging cough is back.

Excuse me while I cough.

That's better.

-Smooth. Real smooth. -Mm. I know.

All right. Here it is.

The Trophy Divas of Brentwood.

Oh, my God, there's five seasons.

Oh. Okay.

Uh, where do you want to start?

I don't really think it matters, Marty.

How about this one? Look.

"Three Facelifts and a Funeral."

What's that even mean?

Hey.

-Hey. -Hey.

I found it.

Mercedes' personal brand of rosé.

And it's the good stuff.

Two bottles for nine dollars.

SAVANNAH Previously on Trophy Divas of Brentwood...

Don't you ever talk about

my husband, you bi...

You mean the husband I saw at the Rooster House last night?

Stop filming! I want a producer!

I need a producer!

Oh, my God, d-did that woman just take her wig off

and throw it in Mercedes' soup?

Okay, okay, I...

I think we need to start from the previous episode

so we can see how we got to wig in soup.

-Yeah. -Okay.

Calvin, please.

What? I'm hungry.

Well, let me take a picture

of my charcuterie art for my Insta first.

Oh, oh, wait, wait.

I got to put my biscotti assortment up there.

What's that look for, Dave?

You thought I'd bring a common cookie to a philharmonic?

How gauche.

Okay, well, for the record, I, too, love biscotti.

And I can't wait to hear the cello.

Who brought the black tongs?

Well, congratulations.

The platter is now contaminated.

It's Mr. Ryan, the teacher from our school.

-So? -So? I'm high as a kite.

Well, you... you weren't just a second ago.

Well, these things really kick in fast.

Okay, okay, okay. Calm down, okay, Gemma?

-Okay. -It's just in your head.

-I'm cool. I am cool. -Be cool.

Okay.

I'm just gonna look this way the whole concert.

Wow. Principal Johnson, Tina.

Small world.

Hello, Mr. Ryan.

So lovely to see you under the stars.

Are you also here for the concert?

Aren't we all?

-You good? -I-I sure am.

He knows.

I got to say,

that episode was a'ight.

-Yes, it was. Yeah. -Yeah, but Mercedes was wrong

for getting on the ATV

-with London's man. -Yeah.

But Sienna tried to warn her.

Yeah, but she's not gonna listen to Sienna

after that fight with Savannah.

Why is every woman on this show

named after a city or a car?

All right, you know what?

I'm glad we did that.

I think I'm starting to get a better sense

-of her personality. -Yeah.

So, Laker game?

Hell yeah.

Let's go.

I wonder what's gonna happen on Tahoe's yacht.

It's not gonna be good.

Especially after Sienna said her neck

had more lines than notebook paper.

And you know Tahoe's got them hands.

-Yeah. -Well, I mean, look.

The Lakers are already up by four in the second quarter.

We know how this is gonna end.

What we don't know is what's gonna happen on that yacht.

-Turn it back! -Come on.

One more episode.

-Somebody going overboard. -Yeah, somebody dying today.

-Rosé me. -Let's go.

Mr. Ryan is going to tell everybody.

I'm done.

I'm gonna be on Dateline.

It was a night of music

that turned into a nightmare of drug-fueled mayhem

for the pretty principal.

Gemma!

Don't nobody know your ass.

And besides, gummies are legal.

Shh!

You shush!

You're killing my vibe.

Calvin, what is wrong with our wives?

Whoo!

Oh, I'm starving.

Oh, pepperoni flower!

Oh, my God.

Oh, oh. These cheese cubes,

they-they look just like dice.

Come on now.

Baby need a new pair of shoes.

Did she just throw cheese at me?

Calvin, if I didn't know better,

I would say that they were high.

Calvin?

Calvin.

What, Dave? I'm in the zone here.

Do you have an earbud in?

Hey.

Give me that.

-Oh. -The Lakers game?

Dave, you put my earbud in your ear?

That's nasty.

Tina,

you got a Wet-Nap?

"Tina, you got a Wet-Nap?"

-Tina. You hear that? -Huh?

Every time I talk,

I hear somebody saying what I'm saying,

and she sounds just like me.

You know, Dave, if I didn't know better,

I would think our wives are high as hell.

That is what I was trying to tell you.

This is great.

They're stoned and you're not even listening

to this boring funeral music.

Boring?

So you don't like it?

No. And neither do you.

You know, if you didn't like it, why didn't you just tell me?

Well, that's because you assumed I didn't like it.

And you don't.

But it's not because I couldn't like it.

I like sophisticated stuff.

I like biscotti.

Uh, you do?

No, they hard as hell.

Whatever.

You know what, here's your earbud back.

I'm not putting this back in my ear.

It's got your wax on it.

And now, thanks to you, all I got to do is just sit here

and listen to this.

I'm sorry, but will you guys please quiet down?

We'll do you one better, Scott. We're gonna leave.

-We're leaving. We are leaving. -Oh, God, yes. Yes. -Oh, please.

We're in stacked parking! Nobody's going anywhere.

Cheech, Chong, sit down.

Now Mr. Ryan definitely knows.

-Everybody knows! -Ah!

I got to say,

Mama was right.

Mercedes does have layers.

You know, in a weird way, I admire her resilience

-and her honesty. -Yeah.

Okay, am I the only one

that got teary-eyed when she sang "Hallelujah"

at her Frenchie's funeral?

No, you were not.

Pepper went way too soon.

Oh, Lord.

All right.

You know what?

I think I am ready to write for her now.

-I can definitely hear her voice. -Oh.

And when she's not screaming and throwing things,

she's actually pretty interesting.

And sent. Ha-ha.

Sent what?

I just sent Savannah a DM on Instagram.

What?

She just found out that her husband is gay

at a dog funeral.

I got a shot.

-That is true. Yeah. -You're not wrong.

It's-it's a long shot...

Calvin, you okay?

I'm fine.

Are you high, too?

No, Dave, I'm just listening to the music.

You actually like this?

It's actually the most beautiful thing

I've ever heard in my life.

Really?

Okay, well,

I guess I underestimated you.

You know, your ignorance is astounding.

-Calvin, I'm sorry. I had no... -Shh!

Yeah, baby!

Can we talk about the dinner party with the psychic?

-Oh. Insane. -That was the best.

Oh, Madame Rosa was uncanny.

-Yes. -Now, look, I'm a man of science,

but Barcelona should've listened when she predicted

-Clay would cheat on her. -Right, right. -Oh.

With her accountability coach?

That part. That part.

See?

-I knew you guys would love it. -Yeah.

Ooh. Speaking of which,

you know, the reunion show just dropped.

You want to pop the rest of these bad boys and watch it?

-Heck yeah. We are so bad. -Hey.

Wait for it.

Ah.

Gets me every time.

I'm sorry, Calvin. You know,

I should've never musically profiled you.

Well, I'm not surprised.

Calvin has always appreciated

exquisite beauty.

-Obviously. -Mm.

That's right.

Hey, you think I can get Trey's, uh, phone back?

Aw, I gave it back.

But, uh,

you could fish around in there

and see what else you can find.

-Why?! Why?! -Let's go, man.

Captioning sponsored by CBS

and TOYOTA.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org