Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Agh!Agh!

Hello. Hello.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES

Thank you. Welcome.

My name is Greg Davies.

Who doesn't like to see things doing things that they shouldn't be doing?

A penguin on a bike, hilarious.

A dog surfing on a big wave, so funny.

A child hammered on ten pints of Stella...

LAUGHTER ..what a laugh. What about

non-comedians coming on a show designed

for comedians, though? Is that funny?

Is it? Look at me. Will that be funny?

What do you know, sitting there on your sofa?

LAUGHTER It's New Year's Treat time

and we're about to find out.

So, now, for the first of not one,

but two New Year's Treats,

please welcome Big Zuu... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Jill Scott,

Sam Ryder,

Susie Dent,

Rose Ayling-Ellis.

And next to me, a man who tells me that

when his band is on tour, he doesn't like going up to

the northern cities because the people don't eat vegetables,

so their teeth are loose. It's... LAUGHTER

HIGH-PITCHED: ..little Alex Horne!

They just wobble. They just wobble when they talk.

Not just little Alex Horne any more, little Alex Horne has got an OBE.

ALL: Ooh.

You haven't, though, have you?

O-B... No, no, I've got an O-B-O-E.

I've got an oboe.Got an oboe. LAUGHTER

Would you like me to play you a tune? Yeah. Yes. OK.

You might want to hold that thing on the bot...

Just... You want me to hold this?

But sh...

Don't let them see. LAUGHTER

Here we go.

OBOE MELODY PLAYS

Pull, pull. Pull.

Harder. Ooh!

APPLAUSE

It's a snake.

Right, prize task time. What's the category, Alex?

Yes. Well, Greg, it involves alliteration and violence

because you've asked them to bring in

the most wonderful thing to whack.

Five points for the most wonderful thing to whack

and five wacky prizes for the wonderful winner of episode one.

Thank you, Greg, and thank you to the fans at home.

OK?

Welcome, Big Zuu.

Have you brought a good thing to whack?

I've been doing a bit of boxing. Ah.

So I've got a dummy

that's got the face of Alex on it. Yes, he has.

Oh, this is strong.

There it is, Greg. Let's have a look at it.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE You want to whack that!

That is a strong start. Who's next?

Hello, Jill, you all right? What have you brought to whack?

So it's something that you would really whack with.

So this is my pillow, basically.

This is Jill's pillow, "The Jillow."

LAUGHTER It's Roy Keane.

Obviously, if he was going to whack you, you'd be really scared.

I'd be frightened. Yeah.

I'd be frightened just to be in the same room as the man, yeah.

I tried to kind of be like him when I played football in midfield,

hence why I got a lot of red cards.

You've taken the edge off him

with his Santa outfit there, haven't you?

Yeah. It's good. Yeah.

Yeah, it's strong. Lovely stuff.

OK. All right, Sam? Hello, mate.

What have you brought? It's a drum kit. Oh.

ALL: Ooh. ALEX: It's a nice drum kit.

Someone will win that.

Really? That's just a nice prize.

Well, now I realise it's quite...

I should've done better, I think.

I did find a dildo in the kick drum, actually,

when we were putting it together. LAUGHTER

It's a true story. We used to stick the dildo right where

the beater would hit at the front.

And obviously, the drummer can't see it but the crowd can,

through that hole.

And every time you'd hit it, it would wag.

I haven't included the dildo today.

Ah, no. Should've. Should've.

Oh, suddenly the prize is worthless.

Susie? So I have brought a pinata

of Alex's head.

Oh. Good.

Because it's a wonderful thing to whack,

and also, you have such an amazing brain, Alex,

we all want to know what's in it.

Ah, thank you. Here is a pinata of...

Ah. SHOCKED CHEERING

JILL: That is good. Oh, my God, it's so good.

So, this one is filled with chocolate coins,

cos, Greg, I know if there's, anything you like more than money,

it's money you can eat.

LAUGHTER

My God, I feel seen.

Now I realise I should've filled it with dildos

and then we would've come full circle.

It's strong, Susie. It's strong.

Hello, Rose. What have you brought in, please?

Basically, I've brought in a slice of cheese.

Yes, she has, a slice of cheese.

I know that this looks like I'm not putting in a lot of effort.

It does.Yeah. LAUGHTER

But I've created a video especially for you

to explain why I think it's so wonderful to whack with.

Yes, this is Rose whacking the cheese.

LAUGHTER

That's good. That's so good!

You're back in the game.

Thank you. Thank you.

Right, shall I score it? Go for it.

I think,

and the drum kit's a wonderful thing to whack,

but I think it's a bit route one whack-y.

But I also think it's a lovely drum kit,

so I'm not going to give it one point.

I'm going to give Sam two points.

I want to see Roy Keane whack someone,

I want to see Big Zuu punch you in the face.

I'm giving them three points. OK.

Four points goes to Susie,

but I'm going to give five points,

because no-one can beat cheese being slapped all over the place,

I'm going to give five points to Rose. Well done, Rose. Five points.

Thank you. Thank you.

Let's see them in action properly, shall we?

What's for starters, little Alex Horne?

Well, this task might make you think it was inspired

by the popular dating app Grindr,

because it involves prodding a bear.

Oh!

Come in, Sam Ryder. Hello, mate.

Buzzing for this one.

This room's mad.

It's his room.

Hello.

Enjoying the chair?

This one? Yeah, I do like this one. Yeah.

It's quite low. It's making me feel a bit inferior

cos you're on a very high stool.

Ooh, that looks pretty.

It's pretty and practical.

Practical? Mm-hm.

Another day, another letter.

Oh, gosh. "Prod the bear."

Does that mean just stabbing them?

Well, gently.

"Fastest wins. Your t..."

Pardon? I don't want to finish it

because every time I say, "Your time starts now," you...

Oh, you've just said it. LAUGHTER

Is the bear in multiple locations?

But you can't tell me. Is the bear in here?

I don't... I just don't know, Big Zuu.

Oh, come on.

Amazing. I mean Sam thinks it's safe to use the phrase,

"Your time starts now..."

..when trying to avoid saying, "Your time starts now."

Great start. This bodes badly.

Let's go? Let's go.

All right. Well, we begin with two

consummate professionals who, up to this point in their careers,

have been widely admired.

It is Sam Ryder and Jill Scott, MBE. Oh, God.

Prod a bear.

Well, if the table was bare,

could I just prod the table being bare?

You think...? I don't feel like that's telly.

I'm looking for a bear.

Looking for a bear.

Bear in the loo. Looking for a bear.

Any bears in here?

Anybody seen a bear?

Prod... That's it.

LAUGHTER ..the...

..bear.

To be fair, Greg's like a big bear.

He won't like that.

I'll write it down, but I don't think you're finished.

Oh. I'll keep looking.

Yeah, you'd think there might be some clues.

Bear. Not a bear in there. Not a bear in there.

You know, the thing is, there's so much shit in this house. Pardon?

Where's the bear? Yeah, we've tried to help you.

Is this you helping?

Is this a bear?

It's a cat, but does it...? Doesn't count, does it?

I shouldn't have to tell you...

Yeah. ..what a bear is.

I see flags. Ah.

What would the flags mean?

Am I hot or cold?

That's a very good question.

Rabbits.

I'm seeing every single animal apart from a bear.

Have you ever been to Sweden?

Yeah. What was it like? It was OK.

What was Norway like?

It was nice.

Do you know anything about Greenland?

It's green.

Flags, they're new. Oh, yeah.

They're nothing to do with this, are they?

Quite often we put things around...

For a reason. ..that are relevant, yeah. Yeah.

LAUGHTER Well... Oh!

Brazil. The World Cup.

It's not all about football, Jill. Hmm.

Salamanders, ducks, hens.

Ever been to the Seychelles?

No, I've heard it's nice, though.

I haven't been in the lab.

Should've gone to the lab, shouldn't I?

Oh, fuck off. LAUGHTER

"Be brave."

It's something up above. Right.

But there's nothing here.

"You must always hold your stick aloft."

"Tick." "Loft."

Those two were in italics.

You don't have a loft in here.

"You're never more than 15 steps from a bear."

One, two, three...

So that would be up there.

I mean, it's got a little flag on it, and there's other

flags around the house.

Ooh, you bastard!

LAUGHTER Ooh, you bastard!

Ooh, you bastard!

Ooh, you bastard! ECHOES OFF

SAM LAUGHS

I've stopped the clock. Just shit myself!

LAUGHTER

Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! LAUGHTER

Prod the bear. Have you prodded the bear? I've prodded it!

OK, I thought Sam seemed very close to breaking this early on

throughout that. I wrote down some of his quotes.

"There's just so much shit in this place!"

You, Jill, different demeanour.

Have you been offered a travel show yet, Jill? No.

Some of the reviews that Jill did of countries there.

Sweden. "OK." Norway. "Nice."

Greenland. "Green."

"Have you been to the Seychelles?" "No. I've heard it's nice." Done!

That's it. Jill's world.

Let's see two more.

Well, now it's time for two more people with an MBE.

One loves the OED, the other studied at DYT and UCA.

Also I have IBS. TMI? I don't know. It's Susie and Rose.

OK, I'm going out. OK.

Nice to see you. Yeah, lovely to see you.

Oh, flags.

Where bear?

It might be outside. Outside? OK.

That's Barbados.

Seychelles?

Don't know that one.

"Prod the bear."

It's not an anagram, is it?

Not everything's an anagram, Susie. That's such a shame.

Iceland. Different country flag.

Greenland.

Paraguay. Japan.

Have you been to Iceland? Yeah. What was it like?

Very cold. Cold, interesting.

Are we talking about polar bears?

Ah! It's getting warmer or colder.

Cold.

Cold. Interesting.

Yeah.

So are they telling me that's very cold and now I'm getting warmer?

It's all to do with climate. Could be.

Do I have to look in an oven?

Hmm.

And then here was hotter. Wait a minute. Oh, what's that?

Oh, that's maybe the hottest country.

Ah!

I've stopped the clock.

APPLAUSE

"Look up."

Up here?

Have you got a loft at home?

I do. And I have, like, a hooky thing. Right.

But this is not really a hooky thing.

Ah...

Yay!

OK, I've stopped the clock.

APPLAUSE

Well done.

It seemed to me Rose was fast. I don't know.

You were fast and pleased with yourself when you solved the riddle.

I was so satisfied.

Susie, you seemed to pretty much lose interest

when you realised this wasn't anagram-based.

LAUGHTER

That is the story of my life. Yeah.

OK, time for our first break and, Alex - Happy New Year, mate.

Are you excited?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! Welcome back to our New Year's Treat.

It's 2026 and the robots haven't taken over yet.

Hmm, and that's a joke which could age very badly.

The current task has seen our cast try to find the bear

as quickly as possible and then prod it. Only one person to go.

And very much like Twycross, the large wildlife attraction

in Leicestershire, it's Big Zuu.

Whoo! Yeah!

Where are you, bear?

You're probably not in the lab.

He's not here. What did you find in there?

He's not in there. Nothing in the lab? No, there's a couple...

There's things in there but not a bear. There are things.

The kitchen.

I'm seeing... Why are there so many countries?

What is it, like a ethnic bear?

There's multiple flags. Yes.

You recognise any of them? Yeah. America. Yeah.

That one. Greenland. Bear's on holiday?

Where is the bear? Where's the bear, yeah.

I don't get it.

Where is the bear?

You're not helping. No, no. I see that.

Supposed to be friends.

"Think like a bear, reach for the stars."

The bear must be on the roof.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS The roof.

Don't know, man.

I've looked up, I've looked around.

Your clues don't help, man. No, I see that. Yeah.

I can see a bear head right there.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

I declare myself prodded!

I've stopped the clock!

CHEERING

For a young man, you looked, for most of it,

like an irritated grandad.

Just wandering around!

When you're in there, things change, bro. Yeah.

It's mad pressure in that yard.

You didn't appear stressed. LAUGHTER

He was very close to giving up

and we didn't know there was that bear head in the garage.

Yeah, that was just by chance! That's an old task.

Well, thank God you happened upon it.

He did take nearly half an hour,

a good ten minutes more than anyone else, so it is one point to Big Zuu.

One point, Big Zuu, unlucky. One point to Big Zuu.

The rest were very close. Susie, you were fourth, 16 minutes 30.

Just behind Sam, 15 minutes and 3 seconds.

You were 15 seconds slower than Jill. You would've been quicker

if you'd left the living room quicker but, Jill, you come second

with 14 minutes 48. But Rose was the fastest with 13 minutes 40.

Wow!

DROWNED OUT BY APPLAUSE

Now is it score time? It is and there is one person in the lead

with a perfect ten so far. It is Rose Ayling-Ellis.

What have we got next, Alex?

With a nod, a wink, a cough and a clap. we have dice.

Hello, Alex. Hello, Rose. Hi.

Yeah, I feel like I'm in a butchers. You've got a briefcase,

a baize and a metronome. Yeah.

What did you call this? I went for baize. Baize? Baize.

Baize. All right, cool, baize. All right, go on. And a briefc-aize.

Briefc-aize.

I'm a bit scared.

You're trying to make a TM out of the dice.

Why is everything so branded, bruv?

OK. "Throw one or more dice to get a number."

"Then clap." "Cough." "Nod." ALL: "And blink."

"That number of times before the next flash."

"If you do not complete the sequence before the next flash,

"the task is over."

"At the end of the task your total number of completed sequences

"will be multiplied..."

"..by your number of dice to give you a score."

"Highest score wins."

You "must choose your number of dice in the next minute

"and you must berate yourself throughout the task."

"And you must berate yourself throughout the task.

"Your time will start on the first flash."

OK, I can't do a practice, can I? Yeah, you've got...

ZUU COUGHS

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

ZUU LAUGHS

Good. Well, I think we all understand the task this time,

do we? Hmm, it's complicated but it'll make sense when we do it.

It will. One sits in Dictionary Corner, one takes corners

and the other one is... is Big Zuu. Here we go.

LAUGHTER

I'm going to go for two. Two? Yeah. OK, perfect. Which is brave. Right.

I'm just going to go for two dice. I know my limits.

I was a safe midfielder.

Shall I go for five dice? No! I don't know,

I don't want to get influenced by you, man. I'm going to go for four.

OK. Four dice. Your time starts now.

I'm terrible at this kind of thing.

Eight.

So I get 30 seconds Yeah.

Six.

BOTH COUGH

Cool.

OK. Now I'll wait for the next flash. Yeah.

Quite an awkward gap now before the next one. OK.

Maybe I should've had more dice.

Oh, did it go? It went. Nine.

6, 9, 11, uh...17.

ZUU COUGHS, AUDIENCE LAUGHS

So, I'm going to six claps.

COUGHS

I think I'm blinking throughout, anyway. Hmm.

Seven.

Oh, nine!

COUGHS

14.

COUGHS 14.

SPLUTTERS AND COUGHS

I've got a 12.

ZUU COUGHS, AUDIENCE LAUGHS

So were you counting them at all? No. No. Right, OK.

COUGHS

Oh, I did them all. I've just realised!

I could've definitely had more dice.

I'm going to cough and blink at the same time. Great.

Seven.

COUGHS

Easy. Why didn't I think about this at the beginning?

COUGHS

Oh, bro. What kind of game?

COUGHS

And go again. Oh, my God.

Oh.

COUGHS

Oh, it's torture, man!

Still in! Come on!

COUGHS

CLOCK BUZZES Oh.

COUGHS

CLOCK BUZZES

I'm out. I didn't complete it, Alex.

That's just classic me, I'm afraid. I did warn you before I came on

and you said, "You'll be fine." And I told you I wouldn't

and I just proved myself right. You don't have to berate yourself.

Oh, do I not? It's fine. Feel like I'm going to vomit, bro.

OK, do you want to go? You can't make someone cough that many times.

No. OK. You should go.

I don't know why I was so broken.

The thing that fascinated me about you, Susie, really,

is your cough. I... It...

I started to think you might be AI during that.

The great thing about you, Big Zuu, is you're a one-man argument.

"Shall I go for five dice? No, I'm going to go for four dice.

"I feel like I'm going to vomit, bro!

"You can't make people cough that many times!"

Alex was silent throughout all of this.

LAUGHTER

Oh, man. I do, unfortunately, have to tell one of them

that something bad happened. GREG GASPS

Oh...

Have you having fun? I am. OK.

So, I'm going to do six claps.

LAUGHTER

I'm so sorry.

You could've told us that then so I just stopped

but you let us go all the way to the end. Yeah.

I mean, I've said it 1,000 times, the guy's a prick.

LAUGHTER I'll agree.

Time to tick off part two of this treat. Be gone!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Bye!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! We're part way through a task

which has seen the cast coughing and clapping.

Yes, and nodding and blinking and rolling dice. Two people left to go

and the task is set in the confined space of the lab.

Which was fine for Rose

but I was slightly worried about Sam

as I'd heard he's more of a Space Man. Here's how they did.

LAUGHTER

Oh, OK, I'm just going to pick one. One, OK.

Imagine having 12 and then you have to cough 12 times,

clap 12 times, nod 12 times and blink 12 times in 30 seconds.

No. One dice.

Sam, how many dice have you chosen? Ten. Ten. Right, OK.

Here we go.

Throw the dice.

COUGHS

Idiot.

MOUTHS

COUGHS

COUNTS TO 12

COUNTS TO 12 AGAIN

Rose? Why did you do that 12 times?

Because I've...

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

As long as you do more, it's OK. OK.

That's a bad start.

Oh!

COUGHS

35 is your total.

27.

Four. One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four.

COUGHS

What did I do?

Did I clap, I coughed, I nod, didn't I? And I blinked.

One, two, three, four... I'm getting hot and sweaty.

Mm. I think it's good you chose one dice.

COUGHS

31. Low number.

49 you need to get to.

Shocking number, that.

Three. One, two, three. One, two, three. One, two, three.

COUGHS

I'm getting into a routine of it but I'm still rubbish at it.

Yes, I think you are. Yeah.

COUGHS It becomes normal quick.

COUGHS

One. OK, this should be OK.

COUGHS

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

COUGHS Blinking.

Clap.

COUGHS

Clap.

Flash.

COUGHS

Clap. Claps are getting really quite small now.

MOUTHS

COUGHS

CLOCK BUZZES You've stopped.

Flash. Flash. Flash.

How did you think that went?

Um, I need a honey drink.

Mmm.

I felt ashamed. Absolutely insanely hot.

I'll see you in a bit. See you, Sam.

CHEERING

How did you feel you did on that?

I feel like maybe I need to go to a doctor

and check my short-term memory. Yeah. You go to the doctor.

But compared to this madness,

you were like a professional dice player.

Thank you. Thank you.

At what point did you regret picking that many dice, Sam?

Oh, mate, quite quick, actually. We did allow,

if you went over the number, it was fine, because there was no way

you could do the maths on the dice quick enough. Mm-hm.

Unfortunately...

LAUGHS

..in the first round...

LAUGHTER Oh, no!

..he needed 35 of each and he blinked 16 times

and coughed 12 times.

Ten times zero, unfortunately, is zero.

Aw! So Sam scores zero

but you do get one point for coming last. Really? Yeah.

Rose chose one dice.

Unfortunately, on the ninth time, she was meant to nod six times

and only nodded four times cos she was muddled.

So you get a total of eight, and you're in fourth place. Oh.

Jill, obviously, you couldn't count to six, unfortunately,

so you stopped at 6. But X 2 that's 12. You're in third place.

Zuu, you got to, uh, 11.

11 throws x 4 which is 44.

But, Susie, with her two dice, didn't make a mistake for 27 times.

27 X 2 is 54. Susie gets 5 points!

Oh!

DROWNED OUT BY APPLAUSE

I'd really love to see another task, please, Alex.

Oh, he would cos he's keen, he's mean,

he's goddam lean. Yes, he's Greg,

and like Greg the next task really goes the distance.

Hello? Hello.

Come in. Thank you.

You're very welcome to the caravan.

Welcome. Um, hello. Oh, I did it wrong.

Welcome to the caravan. No, that's not right.

What was this? Yeah, yeah. Welcome, welcome. What did I say?

Uh, I think you were just stroking your face.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Nice cup of tea? Oh, lovely.

Nice to have a biscuit or some chocolate with that. I know. Oh.

Are you going to give us one? Ah!

I'm intrigued by that chocolate bar.

Do you know what it is? Is it a Mars bar? No.

Is it a Snickers?

What's that? Marathon.

Oh, maybe. Does this mean that this task is going to be a marathon?

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Yes!

"Do a something-athon for a full 20 minutes."

"Most inspiring something-athon successfully accomplished wins."

"You have five minutes to choose your something."

"Your time starts now."

What, this? Yeah. What's in it, though?

Knowing you it's probably some beans or something.

Mm. Do you want it?

Not now. No. Um...

So...what do you mean?

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

A something-athon? A something-athon.

Something inspiring. For the kids.

Yeah.

I'm thinking motivational speech.

What about I learn how to speak French or something

because I'm sure it's very inspiring for a deaf person

to learn a new language. You think that's inspiring? Mm.

Do you think you'll change people?

I do that often.

How often do you inspire people?

I didn't mean to. Right. It's just happened.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

I might just sit and drink cups of tea.

Have you ever done a sponsored something before?

Just walks. Can I sleep? That's not very inspiring, either.

Walking and sleeping so far. Walking and sleeping.

20 minutes of me...

..frying eggs?

Maybe I could just walk around with a tie around my neck or something.

I'm writing it down. Is that a thing?

Don't... Hmm.

Mm.

These are really good tasks. I can see how you're the Taskmaster.

..'s assistant. Oh, assistant.

Yeah, Greg's the Taskmaster, the tall guy. Yeah, but he's not here

so we'll just pretend it's you.

Really? Yeah. It's like when I was vice captain.

When Steph Houghton wasn't there, I used to tell people I was captain.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

APPLAUSE

You wouldn't be telling people you're the Taskmaster, would you?

No. No, cos Daddy'd be very cross.

Good. Let's get inspired. Well, one knows words

and the other woes nerds.

That's right, it's Susie Dent and Big Zuu.

I'm Susie Dent and I am going to try a maxim-athon

cos I'm going to do as many English maxims or sayings as I can do

in 20 minutes. So here goes.

Hello, Big Zuu. What are you going to do?

I'm going to do a rap-athon. Full 20 minutes? 20 minutos.

Your time starts now.

# My name is Big Zuu

# I'mma show you what I do. #

Wait. Let's go back. Oh. Sorry...

# B-I-G Z-U-U

# if you can't spell, I will spell it for you

# B-I-G to the Z-U-U

# I'm here to inspire the entire crew

# If you're a kid sitting in school

# And you're thinking this isn't cool

# Don't worry, one day you could pick up a tool

# And you could be a builder

# That could be you... #

# Yo

# Come with a different flavour

# Always on track, sits on my brain

# And I don't lack and I don't slack... #

You're halfway.

# Yo, rap-athon

# Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah

# Remix! I like cake and I like a slice

# If you're not inspired then you are lost

# In a... In a field... #

Five minutes left, Big Zuu.

# In a field... # Yes, in a field.

# See me on the screen, like Ian Beale

# Speak for about 20 minutes nothing for man

# B-I-G I'm bigger than man... #

# I am the Sergeant, tell me what it is

# If you ain't inspired

# You ain't listened to the lyrics that are required

# Z-U-U, if you don't know the name

# B–I-G Z-U-U I'm done. # ..two, one.

WHISTLE PEEPS

APPLAUSE

YEAH!

Surprisingly good. And playing to type, Susie,

but I was fairly engaged throughout. Well done.

Oh, thank you. "Fairly engaged throughout." I was.

Big Zuu, I'm no rapper.

Sh...should they rhyme?

LAUGHTER

Depending on the time. Yeah.

There were over 50 references to food in the rap.

How long did...? I mean, you didn't have to do that to me.

LAUGHTER

He rapped for ages, you told me. Well, 20 minutes. Yeah?

Yeah, that's what they had to do.

And it was all from the top of my mind. Freestyle.

None of it was written before. No way.

LAUGHTER

They were both enjoyable. Yeah. Now for that which we call a rose.

Hello, Rose. Hello.

What is going to be your something-athon?

I'm going to do a music-athon.

Hmm. In Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.

For 20 minutes? But I'm going to play

a different music instrument. Oh, God.

You ready? I'm ready to be inspired.

Thank you. Your 20 minutes starts now.

BELLS CHIME TO TWINKLE TWINKLE LITTLE STAR

25 seconds gone.

The next one, what's it called?

It's a glockenspiel. There you go.

DISCORDANT RENDERING OF TWINKLE TWINKLE LITTLE STAR

No.

VARIOUS RENDERINGS OF TWINKLE TWINKLE LITTLE STAR

WARBLING ALONG TO TWINKLE TWINKLE LITTLE STAR

Wow.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Ah...

# How I wonder what you are. #

I feel like one of those knobheads that's around a fire.

Sorry, what were you saying?

Oh, hello!

You've got 30 seconds left.

So there's one more instrument.

This one, I love this one. What's this one called?

No idea.

DISCORDANT RENDERING OF TWINKLE TWINKLE LITTLE STAR

WHISTLE PEEPS

Wow!

Is that inspirational enough?

APPLAUSE

CHEERING

It was fairly inspirational. There was a lot going on there.

What was the problem with the pipe thing?

It just made me laugh. I think it's funny.

It looks funny and what the problem is,

Tobi, my interpreter, and Alex,

they both were laughing,

they were in tears of trying so hard

so it made me laugh... So what you're saying is

your interpreter let you down on this task?

Well, I almost had to send her out of the room

because she kept laughing.

And then I realised I won't understand what Alex was saying

so I had to keep her. So let you down on. Yeah, get rid. Get rid.

Well, she's not here, is she?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Oh, my God.

All right, just one part to go.

In it, a hugely successful professional

will win and take home a slice of processed cheese.

It'll be embarrassing for them, embarrassing for the show

and will make us all question

if it's really that bad that humans are on their way out.

We'll see you soon.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! Welcome back to part four

of part one of this two-part festive special. Before the break,

the task involved trying to achieve the most inspiring-athon.

Yes, that's right, Greg, and, coincidentally, I'm wearing a thong.

Finally, one won the Euros and one nearly won Eurovision,

which is wonderful but which one won which one, one wonders?

It's Jill and Sam. Good!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, your 20 minutes starts now.

I came to Taskmaster and met a random man

He told me to meet him in his caravan

He offered me a chocolate bar

He said I'd feel better

Then he handed me an envelope

With a crisp white letter

I said to him

Where's that guy that's tall?

I've heard that he really loves football

I reckon he would have a decent right peg

He goes by the name of Mr Greg

I went to Taskmaster

I met a random man

He told us to meet him in his caravan...

Welcome to my pump-athon.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Are you ready? Yeah.

He offered me a chocolate bar

He said I'd feel better...

I went to Taskmaster

And met a weird man... Two and a half minutes, Jill.

He said to me

Follow me into my caravan...

Don't know why it's getting dirtier.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

You're halfway.

Guess what, guys?

I went to Taskmaster

And met a weird man...

I've got sweat in my eyeball.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Let's speed it up, everybody.

You're in the final minute, Jill.

This is hard work.

Urgh!

I'm going to do it.

I said to him

Where's that guy that's tall?

I've heard that he

Really loves football...

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

I reckon he'd have a decent right peg

He goes by the name of Mr

GREG!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE That was 20 minutes.

WHISTLE PEEPS Oh!That was amazing.

WHISTLE PEEPS That's your 20 minutes up, Sam.

SAM PANTS

Thank you. See you later. Thanks mate, I'll see you... I'll see you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Genuinely inspirational football skills.

Thank you. Lovely to watch. And I don't care what anyone says,

I think the northeast accent's well suited to poetry.

LAUGHTER

So, well done is how I'd like to start my feedback. Thank you.

And then I'd like to continue it with this -

is everything all right, Sam?

LAUGHTER No. I'm in bed.

I mean, correct me if I'm wrong, but you blew up an air bed

and then you humped it, right? No!

LAUGHTER

I just... I inflated and deflated it four times in a row. Three times.

Three times. Yeah.

I'm annoyed cos I've been telling all my mates I did it four times

in 20 minutes.

All right, going to give two points to Sam Ryder and to Susie.

LAUGHTER

Because I felt similarly inspired by both of them!

I'm giving three to the multiple musical instruments.

So what is it, is it the incredible international football skills

or is it you just rapping nonsense for 20 minutes?

Nonsense?! Yeah.

No. Come on. Inspirational quotes were in there.

Give me one inspirational quote and that'll make the decision for me.

# If you can't spell B-I-G Z-U-U... #

Uh, Big Zuu.

LAUGHTER

Four points to Big Zuu, five points to Jill!

A peek at the scores, perhaps? Of course.

Well, Sam is way out in the back with eight.

At the front we've got Jill on 15 and Rose on 15. Wow. All right.

All to play for. OK, everyone, just one more thing to do.

Please make your way to the stage for the final task of the show!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Who's going to read the task out?

I think Rose is going to read the task out.

"Put your items in Greg's special order."

Reveal the items, Greg!

Ooh!

Ooh! Oh.

"After each shuffle, Greg will tell you how many items

"are in the correct position, but not which one.

"The first to get the correct order wins. Your time starts now."

What, now? No, no, your time does not start now. No, that's...

No, no, OK. So why did you write it down, then?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

What I did was I made a mistake.

There's only one winner. One person's going to get five points.

If two people get it on the same go, they both get five points.

It is time for the first shuffle.

Ten seconds you've got. Not long.

Don't have to shuffle, of course.

WHISTLE PEEPS

Greg's going to go down the line and say how many you've got right.

Big Zuu, you have got two right.

So annoying. LAUGHTER

Jill, you have got zero right.

Rose, zero right.

Sam, two right. Ooh.

Susie, zero right.

Second shuffle.

WHISTLE PEEPS Stop shuffling.

Big Zuu has got two right.

Oh, fuck's sake!

LAUGHTER

One, Jill. Oh!

Are you sure?

AUDIENCE: Two. Yeah, two, Jill.

LAUGHTER

Two.

One, Sam. Bastard. OK, yeah.

Uh...on...two.

Two? Two.

So we have four twos and one one.

They're inching closer. Next shuffle.

WHISTLE PEEPS

Gosh, we really could be here for hours.

LAUGHTER

Oh... Oh.

Zuu.

Two.

Consistent.

Jill, one. Oh...

Rose, one.

Sam...

Uh-oh, this is putting the cat amongst the pigeons. Three. Oh!

Susie, one.

Shuffle! Ah, shit. Ah...

There we go.

Oh, my rocket's broke.

WHISTLE PEEPS Shuffle time is up.

So some late shuffling, some very late shuffling.

Zuu. Three.

Jill, one. Oh!

Rose...

..one.

LAUGHTER

Sam was on three. He's now on...?

Two. Oh, sh...!

Susie is on...one.

Off we go.

One.

LAUGHTER

WHISTLE PEEPS

How is that possible?

Zero.

GREG LAUGHS

WHISTLE PEEPS

One.

Every time.

Three.

This is bollocks.

LAUGHTER

None! Ah!

I'm just about to fucking jump over!

LAUGHTER

WHISTLE PEEPS Come on, Sam,

just swap the right...

Swap the two that are right, please.

And stop shuffling. Do we have a winner?

Please have a winner.

One. One for Zuu. Oh, bro.

One, Jill. Oh!

Three, Rose. Three?

But it doesn't make sense!

Cos when did I...? OK...

Two to Susie. And on this occasion,

Sam has got...five!

APPLAUSE

And the special order, of course, was the alphabetical order.

Each one starts with the same letter as your own names,

you're in that order, too. We're finished.

Let's add those scores to the final ones. Come down and join me!

APPLAUSE

Wow, what a rush that was.

Oh!

Great redemption for Sam. I needed that. I can't lie. You did. I did.

And I can tell you he's not in last place any more.

He's in second... How?! Second-last place.

Wow!

Two people are drawing, though, Greg, because this

is the final scoreboard.

Jill and Rose are joint winners! Oh!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Very close.

You know what that means. We don't leave things there.

It's a tie-break! Oh!

All they have to do is answer this question.

What length is my pineapple?

I have a tattoo of a pineapple.

Where? You know that bit between your balls and your asshole?

No, no.

LAUGHTER

Not personally!

I'm going to give you a card each. You're going to have ten seconds

to write down your answer. It's closest number in millimetres wins.

Going to be 3, 4... Maybe 40...

That's, like, 100...

INDISTINCT CHAT

I've noted no-one's asking me for help.

LAUGHTER

They've both written down numbers. Yeah.

Who would you like to see first? Rose is first.

40. Oh! 40mm or 4cm.

Correct. Jill?

50mm or 5cm.

And now for the most anti-climactic moment of all time...

It is...

..82!

It's 82mm.

Ah!

Jill Scott wins the first of our New Year's Treats!

Please wander up to whack your wonderful winnings!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media