Original subtitles

THE BARRANDOV STUDIO PRESENTS

WRITTEN BY

THE GOOD SOLDIER SVEJK

ADAPTATION

PHOTOGRAPHY

MUSIC

SOUND

FILM EDITOR

SET DESIGN

COSTUME DESIGN

SET DECORATION

MAKE-UP

SCRIPT

CHIEF OF PRODUCTION

STARRING

ASSISTANT DIRECTOR

WRITTEN & DIRECTED BY

Sir! Sir! So they've killed our Ferdinand.

Which Ferdinand, Mrs Muller? I know two Ferdinands.

One of them does jobs for Prasa the chemist,

and one day he drank a bottle of hair oil by mistake.

No, it's the Archduke Ferdinand, the one from Konopiste.

You know, the fat, pious one.

Good Lord, that's a fine thing. And where did this happen?

They shot him at Sarajevo with a revolver, you know.

He was riding there with his Archduchess in a motorcar.

Fancy that, Mrs Mller, how a ride in a motorcar can end up badly.

- Did he suffer long? -The Archduke was done for on the spot.

You know, they're dangerous things, these revolvers, that they are.

Some revolvers won't go off, even if you tried till you was dotty.

But they're sure

to have bought something better than that for the Archduke.

And I wouldn't mind betting, Mrs Muller,

that the man who did it put on his best clothes for the job.

It's not like when a poacher shoots a gamekeeper.

You have to wear a top hat

or else the police'd run you in before you got anywhere near him.

I hear there was a whole lot of them, Mr Svejk.

Of course, there was, Mrs Muller.

If you wanted to kill an archduke... or the Emperor,

you'd naturally talk it over with somebody.

Two heads are better than one.

One gives one bit of advice, another gives another,

and so the good work prospers, as our National Anthem says.

The newspaper says that the Archduke was riddled with bullets.

He emptied the whole lot into him.

That was mighty quick work. I'd buy a Browning for a job like that.

It looks like a toy, but in a couple of minutes

you could shoot twenty archdukes with it, thin or fat.

That gave me the shock of my life. I thought someone was spying on us.

But instead of that of that,

our Balaban, sold six times already, has returned again!

Aren't you unlucky with that dog! Why did you take him in at all?

I had to because he's so ugly

that the other dogs want nothing to do with him.

- And he seemed sad. - But he's been a real pest!

Well, Mrs Muller, now I'm going to call round at "The Flagon."

- Alright, Mr Svejk. - Give the key to the house porter.

- We're having a fine summer. - Pretty feckin' rotten.

That's a fine thing they've done for us at Sarajevo, innit?

D'you mean the wineshop at Nusle? They've a rumpus there every day.

No, I mean Sarajevo in Bosnia. They shot the Archduke Ferdinand.

What do you think of that?

I never shove my nose into that sort of thing, I'm hanged if I do.

You used to have a picture of the Emperor hanging here.

That's right, but the flies kept shitting all over it

so I put it away into the lumber room.

You see, somebody might pass a remark about it

and then there might be trouble. What use would it be to me?

- Good day to y'all! - And to you, Mr Svejk.

Black beer for me today.

At Vienna, they're in mourning, too!

You won't believe it, but I knew something would go down at Sarajevo.

- What, you knew about it? - For sure.

It happened during an army inspection. No good ever comes of those.

- This is yours. - Thank you.

Once at an inspection like that

there was twenty buttons missing from my tunic.

I got two weeks' solitary confinement for it,

and I spent two days of it tied-up hand and foot.

All that for lack of discipline.

Our company commander, he always used to say to us:

"There's got to be discipline, you thickheaded louts,

or else you'd be crawling about like monkeys on trees!"

Ain't that the truth?

Just imagine a park, say at Charles Square,

and a soldier without discipline on every tree.

That's what I was always most afraid of.

- That business at Sarajevo was done by the Serbs. -You're wrong there.

It was done by the Turks.

Because of Bosnia and Herzegovina.

They're cross because our Emperor

didn't give them a hand in the war with Serbia.

Do you like Turks?

Do you like that heathen pack of dogs?

A customer's a customer, and he may be a Turk for all that.

With a business to look after, I can't be bothered with politics.

Pay for your beer, and gab about what you like!

Alright, innkeeper, but you must admit it's a great loss to Austria.

There's no denying that. A fearful loss.

You can't replace Ferdinand by any sort of tomfool. Indeed.

I wouldn't like to be the Archduke's widow. What's she going to do now?

Kids are orphans, Konopiste without its master and lord.

Is she to marry some other Archduke? What good would come of that?

She'd take another trip to Sarajevo and be left a widow yet again!

Come, gents, let's turn the page, shall we?

That's exactly the sort of thing I don't like.

One word leads to another and then it lands you in trouble.

No worries, we're not drunk enough to be making nasty remarks on the Emperor.

And what sort of nasty remarks about the Emperor

do people make when they're drunk?

- Ah well, all sorts. - Right, but what? Do you know some?

Get drunk yourself,

let the Austrian National Anthem be played,

and you'll see for yourself what kind of talk you start leading.

But don't you think the Emperor will put up with that sort of thing!

You mark my words, there's got to be war with the Turks.

Kill my uncle, would you? Then take this smack in the jaw.

Oh, there's bound to be war. I can't tell you more than that.

Follow me into the passage and there I'll tell you something.

Now let me have a cherry brandy and I must be off, as I'm arrested.

- Come here. Are you married? - Yes.

- And can your wife take over the inn during your absence? -She can.

That's alright, then. We'll come for you in the evening.

Don't worry about that, I'm being run in only for high treason.

But what about me? I've been so careful about what I said.

I've got you for saying the flies defiled the Emperor. Come with me.

You'll have all that Emperor stuff knocked out of your head.

I'm innocent! I don't read the paper!

- What concern is that of mine? - I'm not interested in politics.

I'm innocent, mister. I'm innocent, upon my soul I am!

For God's sake, where'd you put my basket?

- I'd like to speak with my attorney! - Call my lawyer immediately!

Is there a vacant place here?

Well, what's it look like outside? Are we to stay here for long?

Depends on what sort of crime you've committed.

I'm a smallholders' union chairman, and we were having a garden party,

two tons of schnitzels, rich lottery, and just when the party's pumping,

along comes a gentleman telling us to quit it, Austria's in mourning.

All I say is: "Just wait a moment, till they've finished playing

'Rise, all ye Slavs!" And so here I am.

You can be sure of a long stay then.

I got nicked just for trumping a king at cards with the exclamation:

"Bang goes the king, just like in Sarajevo!"

This looks like ten years for each of us.

- But why me? I'm a stationer... - I'm innocent, Mister, innocent!

So was Jesus Christ, and they crucified him for all that.

Nobody anywhere has even given a damn whether or not a man is innocent.

I'm not Jesus Christ, I'm truly innocent.

Please, you've such a kind look on yer face, tell them I'm innocent.

Quiet, please, I'm preparing a lecture!

I'm innocent!

And why do you happen to be here?

Leave me alone, good-for-nothings, you could really land me in trouble.

This gent is here for attempted murder only, so he's good.

- Now I'm here, too! -I felt sure the gentleman would keep his word.

Such precision's a mighty nice thing.

Such precision's pretty feckin' rotten!

Gents, I think I'm going insane. We really are in prison.

It used to be much worse.

In old days, the accused had to walk over glowing hot iron...

- You don't say! - And drink melted lead!

Today we're copping it sweet.

We've got bunks, a table, a toilet.

Conditions have certainly improved! To our benefit.

Joseph Svejk. Come up for examination!

- Excuse me. - At your service.

Cut it out! How often are you going to spit, man?

Well, as a matter of fact, I don't feel like it, but I'm trying to do

as the regulations tell me to. That notice over there says...

Good day to you, gentlemen! Here's hoping you're well!

Take that idiotic expression off your darned face!

I can't help it!

I was even discharged from the army on account of my feeble-mindedness,

I'm officially a dunce, please.

The offences you've committed show you've got all your wits about you.

Insulting his Royal Highness, approval of the Archduke's murder,

ridiculing the state mourning, inciting rebellion...

Why're you sticking your nose into my papers?

I only wanted to make sure nothing's been left out!

What've you got to say for yourself?

There's a lot of it. You can have too much of a good thing.

- So you admit it's true? - Every jot. You've got to be strict.

- Who do you keep company with? - My charwoman, Sir.

And you don't know anybody in political circles here?

Sure, I buy the "National Politics" regularly, because of the ads,

you know, in case someone's looking for a lost dog...

Shut your goddamn trap! Do you admit everything?

If you wish me to admit it all, I shall admit it, Sir.

But if you tell me, "Svejk, don't you admit anything!"

then I shall argue the point till the end of my days.

Sign here.

Just a sec, I forgot the full stop. Anything else for me to sign?

You'll be taken to Criminal Court in the morning.

And at what time, Sir? I shall not like to oversleep, Christ Almighty!

- Get out! -Just wanting to avoid causing a delay...

So, how'd it go?

I think I've just owned up to killing the Archduke Ferdinand!

Well I'll be damned!

IMPERIAL PENAL COURT

There's a golden gate stands open, just you walk in, and it'll cost you,

this golden gate will cost you, you'll get hit over your head!

Good day.

Sit down.

So you're Mr Svejk?

I think I've got to be, my dad was Mr Svejk and mom Mrs Svejk.

A fine business you've been up to, you've got plenty on your conscience.

I've always plenty on my conscience, perhaps even more than you have, Sir!

I can see from the signed statement.

Did they bring any pressure to bear on you at police headquarters?

Not one jot, Sir. When they told me to sign, I just did as I was told.

I'm not going to fuss about my own signature, what use would that be?

Are you feeling quite well?

I can't say quite well, Your Honour.

I suffer from rheumatism. And I use embrocation for it.

When the weather's about to change, it hurts me something awful.

- Can you hear my joints creak? - Do sit down again.

Suppose, Mr Svejk, we had you examined by the medical authorities?

One doctor at the police headquarters already checked me for gonorrhoea.

All the same, Mr Svejk, we shall try the medical board.

You'll have a nice rest, won't you? One more question.

You're supposed to have said there'd be war breaking out soon.

Yes, Your Honour. Very soon.

Suppose you were wrong?

I hope not, after all, it's already written in my statement, Your Honour.

So you know it for sure, then?

To err is human. Anyone can be wrong.

A scholar or an illiterate nincompoop. Even ministers can go wrong.

- Don't you feel run-down at times? - No, Your Honour, I don't.

Except that once I got nearly run down by a motorcar, years ago.

That's quite enough, you may go now.

Thank you, Your Honour, it's been a great pleasure.

Gentlemen, long live our Emperor Franz Joseph the First!

The case is quite clear. Any further examinations are quite futile.

But we shall have to comply with the law.

Take five steps.

- I told you to take five steps only. - A few steps more won't kill me.

But I didn't complain of anything having fallen in my eye.

Show us your teeth! Better, better!

This is how a Danish hound does it.

Sit down.

Cross your legs.

Not like that, at leisure!

Tell us quickly, could you measure the diameter of the globe?

- Is radium heavier than lead? - I've never weighed it, Sir.

Listen, can you sing? Could you sing us a song?

Of course, gentlemen, I have neither voice nor ear, but I shall do it

to please you, if you want to have some fun.

Oh, the monk in the armchair yonder,

in his hand he bows his head...

That's all I know, but then, I also know some folksongs

like "God Save Our Emperor" and "When We Went into the War,"

- and then some hymns like... - I think that's quite enough.

- One more question, Professor. - Of course, please yourself.

- Dear colleague, but I believe... - No, no! I insist on this question.

- Tell me, how much is 12 897 times 13 8637 -729.

Let's write down our findings.

The undersigned medical authorities agree

on the complete cretinism of Mr Svejk,

who expresses himself in such terms as

"Long live our Emperor Franz Joseph the First!",

a remark which completely suffices

to demonstrate Svejk's mind to be that of an obvious imbecile.

The undersigned medical authorities thus hand over the examined Svejk

to the responsible authorities.

TO MY NATIONS!

MOBILISATION

That's the Emperor's proclamation to say that war has been declared.

I saw it coming, but in the Asylum they don't know anything about it,

although they should be the first in the know.

What do you mean by this?

They've got a lot of army officers locked up there.

Long live the Emperor Franz Joseph! We'll win this war!

That's enough! No trouble now! Just disperse quietly!

Gents, I can see it quite clearly. We're bound to win this war!

I'm very sorry that you've fallen into our hands again.

We told you to turn over a new leaf, but it seems we've been mistaken.

Tell me, who induces you to indulge in such silly tricks?

Beg your pardon, Sir, I don't know what silly tricks you mean!

Well, isn't it a silly trick to cause a crowd to gather

and to incite them by shouting,

"Long live the Emperor Franz Joseph the First, we'll win this war!"?

It fairly riled me to see them all reading the Royal proclamation

and showing no pleasure about it, no "hoorays" or "three cheers".

And so I, an old soldier myself, had to shout these words.

I think if you'd been in my place, you'd have done just the same.

There's a war and it has to be won, nobody's gonna talk me out of that!

I thoroughly appreciate your zeal, but you were under police escort,

and so it must have made a rather ironic impression.

When a man is being run in by a police officer,

it's a critical moment in his life.

And if at such a moment, a man doesn't forget to do the right thing,

that's not a bad thing at all!

Go to blazes, Svejk!

But if we ever meet her again,

you will go straight to a Court Martial. Is that clear?

God bless you for all you've done.

And if you'd like a thoroughbred dog at any time, just call on me.

- I'm a dog breeder. - Get out!

I don't believe him anyways.

How can a lout like he be interested in Austria winning the war?

Well, in any case, don't let him get out of sight!

You know what? We shall try to catch him from far off unawares.

Well, as you think... Well, yes.

- Good day. - Good day.

Well, here I am, back again. But where is Mr Palivec?

They gave him... ten years... A week ago.

Fancy that now, then he's already served seven days of it.

And he was so cautious.

Caution's the mother of wisdom.

Well, let me have a large rum!

- And the sausages, Mrs Palivec? - I'll get them right away.

Good day.

Fancy that, a man called Cimpera, Straskov No. 5, is selling a farm

with 13 acres of fields, situated close to school and railway.

I'm surprised to find you interested in farming, Mr Svejk.

Oh, it's you, is it? I didn't recognise you...

- I came here today on your account. - Well, let's go then.

Stay seated, please do. All I want is a dog.

That I can get for you.

Oh, God help me, woe is me!

What have I ever done to anyone?

Don't cry, woman, in three months we'll have won the war,

there'll be an amnesty and your husband will come home.

And will that help me? Here I've got warm sausages and no customers.

Why do you keep coming here? You'll ruin my business!

Well, leave them here, I'm paying.

And a bottle of wine, I feel like spending some real money today!

Would you like a police dog? I know a man who's got one...

You know, all I'm concerned about is the size...

The one I'm talking about is about this size...

No, not that... I'd like a ratter, quite a small one, and cheap.

A ratter is no calf. The smaller the costlier.

Well, in that case, a bigger one would do...

Tell you what: give me an advance of 30 crowns,

and I'll get you a dog that will make everybody's head turn around.

30 crowns? Here they are.

- Let's have a drink on the bargain. - One more. -Isn't it too much?

Well you've got to pay if you want to have fun.

Today you don't have to be afraid of me, I'm even not on duty.

You can say whatever you like about politics...

I don't discuss such things at a pub. All politics are for children.

You think? Of course, yes. Or for such morons as Franz Joseph!

Look here, friend, give me advice.

I want to register with the Anarchist movement. What do you say?

Look, come here and take this. And call me by my first name, okay?

"What every good citizen's earned,

the state will promptly take away..."

Don't be silly.

Someone'll hear you and you'll get in trouble.

Look, fellow, what about the ratter? Where do I deliver him?

Ratter... What ratter? Ah, the ratter!

Don't worry about the ratter, Joe.

I shall collect him ...

In person!

Good afternoon, Mr Svejk!

Good afternoon.

So I'm back again, Mrs Muller!

For Christ's sake, you're alive?

Don't be cross with me, I took a new lodger, a nightclub porter.

They searched your place thrice.

Everybody said you're done with, since you're such an oddball.

Look here, boss, get up!

Or you'll be late.

Get the feck out!

I'd be very sorry if you'd have to state to your company commander

that it was I'd let you oversleep the mobilisation.

See for yourself, here it is.

There's a war on.

- What sort of stupid joke is this? - Warl

And I wanted to sleep till 8 pm.

Marena, get up!

Good day.

Off they lead them, straight to the station!

Louis, I won't let you go!

You're such a big chunk of a man, they'll hit you in no time!

Marena, don't be a hussy! Ten years working at a nightclub!

A silly war holds no surprises for me! Let's go!

Mrs Muller!

Mrs Muller!

Yes, Mr Svejk? Is your rheumatism worse again?

Hand me my army-cap from the wardrobe!

- I'm going to join the army! - And what're you going to do there?

Fight!

Austria's in a bad shape, that's why they've called on me!

Even our evening newspaper admits that our dear fatherland

is threatened by dark clouds. - But you can hardly even move!

Never you mind, Mrs Muller, I'll join the army in a wheelchair.

The confectioner round the corner has just the thing I need.

Years ago, the used to wheel around his lame, wicked granddad in it...

- But Mr Svejk... -Get the wheelchair and push me to war!

To Belgrade!

To Belgrade!

Look, people, how funny! A cripple about to enlist!

To Belgrade!

To Belgrade!

You've got it all wrong, I've got it here written out quite clearly.

...to appear before the authorities, clean, tidy and in a sober state...

What's there to laugh about?

As you can see, my dear policeman, I'm really about to join up.

For the Emperor and his family!

He's a heroic soldier!

Escort this man to the local Army Headquarters!

Let me pass! I know this gent! A freethinker!

"Long live our Serbian brothers!" Don't you agree? "Hooray!"

Folks, that's a secret policeman!

He's trying to provoke us!

Das ganze tschechische Volk ist eine Simulantenbande!

How many people are to appear before the Board today?

- 550. - And how many should we draft?

- 550. - Get them grimy louts in here, quick!

Holasek, Joseph, baker.

- One hundred and sixty. - Tauglich.

- Koc€ic¢ka Vaclav, waiter. - Tauglich.

- Hrdina Bofrivoj, teacher. - Tauglich.

Take that malingerer away!

- Carry on! - Svejk Joseph! -Hier!

Super-arbitrated on account of being feeble-minded.

And what else is wrong with you?

Beg to report, Sir, I've got rheumatism,

but I'll serve the Emperor till my last breath!

Sie sind ein Simulant!

Arrest him immediately!

Take him to Dr Grunstein,

he cures every single one!

- Doctor's round! - Out of the beds, immediately!

Dr Grunstein!

- Macura, asthma. - Enema, aspirin.

- Kot'atko, deaf and dumb. - Since birth?

Gastrolaxage, quinine.

- Pokorny, tuberculosis. - Double enema.

Svejk. -Here!

No diagnosis so far.

- So, what's wrong with you? - Beg to report, I'm rheumatic.

What a mishap, to be suffering from rheumatism during world war,

when one's supposed to enlist! You must be ever so upset, right?

Beg to report, I'm ever so upset!

And your knees aren't hurting?

Beg to report, they are indeed.

We're going to cure you here, better than any spa procedure!

You'll be marching onto the front like a bat out of hell!

Write down: a complete diet, gastrolaxage twice a day,

and once a day an enema, but a darn good one!

He'll be calling upon all the Saints to drive the rheuma out of his body!

And now, we're going to administer some medicine on you!

Drink that up all at once!

I'll be damned!

I'm not going to examine you, bumps!

I know you're all malingerers who want to shirk the army.

Don't think me an utter fool!

Those beds have accommodated whole swarms of men

who had nothing wrong with them except a lack of military spirit.

I've cured them all with my enemas.

In twenty years to come, you'll still be screaming in your sleep

when you dream about trying to swing the lead on Doctor Grunstein!

Beg to report, Sir, my ability to speak and hear seem to return!

Good, but you'll have your enema before you go,

SO you can't complain we didn't treat you here!

The most sacred emotions were touchingly demonstrated by a cripple,

who was being wheeled along in a chair by an elderly lady.

To Belgrade! Shouted this worthy son of the Czech nation,

who enlisted in the army in order to prove his fidelity to the Emperor.

This man is prepared to give his life and possessions for his monarch.

Genug, ma chere, genug...

As Your Excellency, the Baroness, commands. It goes no further anyway.

Ach, mein Gemahl, the general von Botzenheim, he used to say:

"A Czech soldier, a good soldier!"

Johann!

We must go to the hospital sofort to find this heroic soldier!

No good coming here with rheumatism, this stands as much chance as corns.

I have only half a stomach and nobody believes it anyhow.

The best thing is to have petrol injected under the skin.

You get a fever so fine it makes you want to jump out of the window.

Jesus, I'm so hungry!

I can't stand it any longer!

I had a dream today,

I was eating fatty greaves.

- Hot or cold? - Cold.

That I couldn't, I prefer my greaves hot and of a nice brown colour.

For God's sake, fellows, stop gabbing about food!

Everybody to bed!

Did you hear me? Be quick about it! Get a move on!

Some Archduchess is supposed to be coming here!

What're you waiting for? Hurry up!

And don't you dare to show your dirty feet, you louts!

No complaints either, do you hear?

Who says a word will be strung up!

I beg to report I'd like to welcome the Archduchess.

I know a nice welcoming address...

- Will you lie down! - I shall indeed.

Well, here's our dear Svejk.

He's being very patient, dear Archduchess.

- A chair! - Svejk, two enemas and a chair!

- For the Baroness! - An enema for the Baroness?

- A chair! - Oh, a chair, right!

A Czech soldier, good soldier, crippled soldier!

I love me a Czech Austrian.

I read everything in the paper.

Johann, kommen Sie her.

I bring you some yummies,

suckies,

smokies, and drinkeys.

Read the inscription aloud!

"Deutschmeister," liquor for soldiers and civilians. "Gott strafe England!"

When in need...

Pardon me, Ma'am, I wanted to say:

"God, bless you for all these gifts!

Amen."

The soldier's got appetite, he'll be cured soon and fit for the front!

Certainly, Baroness... I won't keep him a day longer than necessary.

Give us a ciggie! I haven't smoked since heaven knows when!

Here, a cigarette!

Hab' acht! Hab' acht! Hab' acht!

So, you louts, you don't appreciate my kindness!

I pump your stomachs, I give you enemas,

and the moment I turn my back you try to Kill yourselves with grub!

All of them are to have their stomachs pumped out!

- Do you know the Baroness? - She's my stepmother.

She abandoned me at a tender age and now she's found me again.

Give him another enema and then send him straight to gaol!

Don't spare me!

Think the foundations of the Austrian empire are based on that enema.

And victory is ours!

Smell my fist, you lout!

I'd rather not feel it on my nose, it smells of the graveyard!

Well, then, remember it, you twerp!

Just a moment... I'm coming.

Now you'll see quite a show. The chaplain's usually sloshed.

Hab' Acht!

Everybody follow what I say in prayers... repeat after me.

What Sunday are we havin' anyway?

I knew it wouldn't work. I'm all for having you shot!

I insist on it from this holy place, you good-for-nothings,

because you won't turn over a new leaf

and instead carry on on the thorny path of sin!

I would request that nobody blow their noses here!

You're no horses and neither is this a stable!

Sergeant, would you mind?

Remember you're soldiers and no blasted civilians!

You gotta see through a dark cloud into the distant spaces

and know that everything here lasts only for a short instance.

Well, where did I stop?

God is merciful, but only towards decent folks,

and not for a gang of rotters who take no notice of God's laws

and the army's regulations.

You don't even know how to pray,

and you think this some sort of a show or circus.

Do you hear me, you down there in your underclothes?

Beg to report, Sir, we hear you!

Some day you'll remember me and you'll know I meant well!

That man should serve you as an example! What's he doing?

He's weeping!

Don't cry, I tell you, stop it! You wanna become better?

That's not such an easy job, laddie!

You're crying now, but when you get back to your cell,

you'll be as big a louse as before.

I've finished, you loafers, please behave properly during mass!

Not like last time, when some of you fellows at the back

were swopping government linen for grub! At ease!

Star light, star bright,

give us guidance on the sea,

by your light, by your sight,

lead us to the holy pastures!

When we weaken, when we stumble,

help us recover, when we're tempted.

Here you are!

That's the first time anyone has ever shed a tear during my sermon.

Admit it, you blackguard, you've cried just for fun!

I beg to report, Sir, that I really only wept just for fun.

I saw that what your sermon needed was one reformed sinner,

and so I tried to oblige.

I'm beginning to like you. What are you here for?

Beg to report, Sir, I really haven't a clue.

I always mean well and it turns out against me.

Like the martyr in that painting.

I will ask the provost about you. Dismissed!

Svejk isn't here. What the hell is in these shelves?

If at least you a had bottle in every one of them!

We could drink them up in alphabetic order!

There's such a mess in these files, such chaos.

Hallo, Provost Lieutenant Bernis speaking.

Captain, I should like to know whether you've got the file

relating to a man called Svejk.

I'm supposed to have it? That's odd. Excuse me, sorry.

It's beginning to interest me also, what's up with this fellow Svejk.

Who searcheth, findeth. God's mercy is endless.

- What about cards, do you play? - Well, I'm out of luck these days.

- But I know a girl, I tell you, she's such a... -I need a servant.

Well, here you are, here's Svejk. Right on top of the file, too.

- Sorry, dear padre, this won't do. - What did he do?

- Dunno, but look: he's been executed. - Rubbish, I've just talked to him.

- And what's he here for? - He hasn't a clue himself.

That's what they all say. Richtig! Someone's mixed up the files.

But what shall we do now?

Well, sentence someone else on Svejk's papers!

That'll be difficult.

What a pity. Tomorrow I'm throwing a party, there'll be drinks, ladies...

You're coming, aren't you?

Well, since it's you, dear padre, you can have him.

Who do you keep greeting all the time?

All these people are acquaintances of mine.

- Are you from Prague? -Yes. - You won't give us the slip?

Of course he'd run away at the first chance!

Why should he? He's free now! I have it here, in my pocket.

- And what do you have in your pocket? - Well, I don't quite know.

You see, you don't even know and yet you're talking.

Don't you know why we are taking you to the Army Chaplain?

- For confession. - What, for confession?

- Yes, they're hanging me tomorrow. - Hang...?

That's how it's done. They call it spiritual comfort.

Oh well, come along.

Halt!

Nur fur Militar... Ist jetzt...

How about taking those bayonets off? After all, he's one of us.

But how?

- Halt! - Don't be silly!

Look here, you know this town. Do you know of a pub handy?

Why not? Just round the corner from here.

There's even music, a fiddle, an accordion.

You can leave your rifles in the kitchen.

- What is it? - Remember the arrangements we made?

Understand?

Of course! Is it a safe place?

Frequented only by tarts and similar decent folks.

Let's go then!

On Pankrac Hill, right on the top of it,

trees are planted all really nice.

On Pankrac Hill, right on the top of it,

trees are planted all really nice.

Had a girl fine, she was all mine,

but now she's someone else's vice!

Had a girl fine, she was all mine,

but now she's someone else's vice!

Svejk, come here! Where did they dress you up like this?

Svejk, you ought to have a photo taken!

Christ, but this is Svejk!

Good day to you, gentlemen! Oh, it's Mr Svejk.

One large beer for each of you. Here you are.

- Thank you. - Cheers! To health!

You know, after all, we shouldn't drink to your health...

Tell us, why are they going to string you up?

Maybe he was born under an unlucky star.

They don't hang people for nothing, there's got to be a reason.

There must be something...

In war times, they don't take it as seriously as all that -

you can either be killed on the battlefield or executed at home.

It's all the same, anyway...

- Aren't you a political one? - Who me? Too much!

Drop that subject.

If you'd be smart fellas, buy us a drink!

Of course, ladies! Why not? Waiter, come here!

At a little window over there, a blondie's seated, fine and fair!

At a little window over there, a blondie's seated, fine and fair!

Hey, you soldier, have no fear, Come inside, come over here!

Hardly did I get inside, music started, loud and wild!

Hardly did I get inside, music started, loud and wild!

Oh my dear, oh my dear...

Ma'am, that Vermouth is like water, send us a bottle of something decent.

- That gent's going to pay for it all. - In a moment.

I've a small farm in Holovousy. There's lovely apples in my garden.

When I get my Urlaub, I'll bring you half a ton.

- And what have got in your pocket? - That? That's a state secret!

- Here you are, ladies and gents! - The Devil's Liquor!

You're my sweetie-pie, sweetie-pie, You're my sweetest sweetie-pie...

You're my sweetest sweetie-pie...

Come outside with me, for a fiver, I'll give you a nice injection.

Petrol, and you're sure to be in hospital for at least 3 months.

Don't worry, the bloke's a medico. Nobody'll be the wiser.

You'll be nice and safe for a long time.

Hahaha... a medico.

You're my sweetie-pie, sweetie-pie, You're my sweetest sweetie-pie...

You're my sweetest sweetie-pie...

Come to me ye all, those who have wine, as I'm thirsty!

- Come here, my little nuff! - I am the Son of Bear Hunter.

Well? Oh well!

So you're here, Svejk, are ya?

- Beg to report, Sir... a package. - I say, got a match?

- Beg to report, Sir, I haven't. - I say, why not?

Every proper soldier ought to have matches to light up with.

- A soldier without matches is...? - Is matchless, Sir.

Splendid, he's matchless and can't give anybody a light. That's it.

- Do you drink liquor? - No liquor for me, Sir, only rum.

Good for you! Just take a look at that big lout over there.

I borrowed him as batman today, from Lieutenant Feldhuber.

He's a tee... tee... teetotaller. Aren't you ashamed of yourself?

You bloody fool, do you know what you deserve? A punch in the jaw...

So you're drunk!

- lch melde gehorsamst... - You're drunk while on duty!

And you'll be punished for it. I'll have you arrested!

Right now, I'm going to phone for the MPs.

Hallo! What are you doing at that bloody switchboard?

Let me have the K&K Korpskommando immediately!

What? What do you say? I can't understand a single word...

Don't be a fool now, it was us escorting you, wasn't it?

Well, my dearies, as Napoleon used to say,

"In war, the situation changes from one moment to another."

I could do with a drink.

I can't get connection to the HQ. So, go home, the two of you!

Run away and remember, mustn't booze while on duty! Out with you! March!

Sir, please.

Ma'am, I'm sure it can't be Christmas already?

Some more Eau de Cologne.

Sir! Here's some black coffee.

- Listen, you! What's your name? - Svejk.

Svejk. Tell me, didn't I misbehave yesterday?

Beg to report, it all went smoothly.

Only when I was letting the ladies out of the house,

a gent looking like a Turk with a Fez on his head,

came out of the door opposite from ours, causing a disturbance.

- And? -I gave him a knuckle sandwich on the jaw and he calmed down.

You shouldn't have done that. That was the Landlord.

Well, now he knows that owning a house is no fun at all.

It couldn't happen to us, we don't own a house.

There you're right. All we own is...

Svejk, all we own is 36 pennies.

I wish I was employed at the Quartermaster's Store,

there I could at least pinch a barrel of rum, or some lard.

But what shall we do? What about selling the sofa?

- We wouldn't get much for that one. - You think so? Let's keep it then.

It belongs to the Landlord anyway. I know what we'll do, Svejk.

I'll give you three addresses to go to and borrow money.

You'll go to Pruska Street, to Captain Schnabel's

and ask him to lend me a hundred crowns.

He was lucky at cards two days ago. So what?

And in case you're not successful there,

you'll go to the VrsSovice barracks and ask for Lieutenant Mahler.

- So he isn't in? - Told you already, he isn't in.

- So he went to the coffeehouse? - You'd have to wait somewhere.

So I'd have to wait? Well alright, I'll wait.

Till tomorrow morning, if necessary.

Fine thing, he's got money for the coffeehouse,

but no money to pay his debts with.

A fine Chaplain, fie!

- Sir, I ask you not to spit here! - And I'll spit once more.

If I feel like it, like this! Do you see?

If you're an educated man, behave yourself, don't act like a vagabond!

So I don't behave decently? And what do I behave like, tell me?

A hooligan, that's what! Spitting on the floor just like in a train.

I was wondering all the time about those notices everywhere,

about not spitting on the floor, now I know it's because of you!

You must be a very well-known man!

You... You dirty creature! You! let go of me!

I'm an honourable citizen! Help! Help! Let go of me!

Why the tomfoolery?

Beg to report, Sir, that I took care of everything, just like you said.

Supper is served in the drawing-room. I shall now go and fry some eggs.

On bacon, too!

- Who was it lent us money? - Beg to report, Sir, all of them.

Only in front of Captain Schnabel I had to crawl on my knees.

That one's a real son of a bitch.

- But when I told him about your paternity case... -A paternity case?

Of course, alimony, you know, paying a girl so much every week.

You told me to pitch any yarn I pleased, so...

And what did Captain Schnabel say?

There were about five gentlemen present and they all asked me

what sort of a girl it was, so I told them she a smart little bit,

not quite fifteen yet - and they all wanted to have her address.

- You've made a nice mess of it, I must say! -Don't worry, Chaplain.

I gave them the address of a deaf lady down our street.

I told you already that he isn't in!

- Don't lie to me, he's returned! - But he isn't home to anybody!

- That's no concern of mine! - He's preparing tomorrow's sermon.

Leave me alone, man! Chaplain, I have to protest!

I'm not used to that sort of treatment.

My batman is certainly not right.

A guest in the house means God in the house, as an old proverb says.

Beg to report, Sir, this bloke is very difficult to dispose of.

Just like a Bouska from Liben. They once kicked him out of Exner's

eighteen times and he always returned claiming he'd left his pipe behind...

Chaplain, I protest!

He was that persevering he could've become a cabinet minister.

I hope I'm not here to be ridiculed!

- Take a chair, please. - Thank you.

We're having Hungarian salami, sardines, salmon, and fried eggs.

Isn't it nice to have a treat on borrowed money!

I insist that you listen to what I have to say!

I hope I'm right in assuming you've come to get money for the check?

Indeed I have and I hope I won't have to leave without it!

What are you doing?

Beg to report, Sir, I've already had some difficulties with this gent.

Leave us, Svejk, we've got a private affair to discuss!

Beg to report, Sir, I'm leaving you!

If there was no war, I wouldn't press you,

but I've recently made a number of very sad experiences.

For example Lieutenant Janota owed me 700 crowns and fell at Dryné.

Lieutenant Prasek, 2 000 crowns, taken captive on the Russian front.

Captain Wichterle, Lieutenant Machek, both imprisoned by the Serbians,

each of them owing me 1 500 crowns.

You must understand my anxiety...

- But, Mister... I am not... - I know your objection, Chaplain.

That a parson is in no direct danger.

But listen!

Army Chaplain Mathias died a week ago in Brno.

He failed to pay me 1 800 crowns and went to supply extreme unction

to a chap who had the plague and who was of no concern of his anyway...

- That's his duty. I shall do the same tomorrow. -At a plague hospital, too!

Tell me, Chaplain, is this war only on to finish off all my debtors?

Svejk, I'm beginning to get tired.

Tell him very gently, "The Chaplain won't give you a penny!"

I'm not budging an inch till I get what you owe me!

If that's the case, Svejk, dispose of him just as you see fit!

That's a sham, you've tricked me!

Make no noise, you hoodlum, the Chaplain has to study!

I know, to figure out how to cheat honest people out of their money!

Wiener Blut... Tralala...

Good Lord, I'm grateful we've found the place.

I'd been driving him around for two hours before I managed

to squeeze an address out. He's been sick all over my cab.

And now I can't get any money out of him!

- Chaplain, Sir! - Stop! Stop! I've got to drive...

Help me!

Gentlemen, I'm not going to have a steam-bath. No steam-bath, please!

Of course not, come here!

Give it to me, no more booze!

Take those skates off!

- Chaplain... -There are circles... "It's me, Svejk. -...round the moon.

- We have to pay for the cab. - Do you believe in immortality?

- Leave me alone, will ya? - Say, can a horse get into heaven?

Be quick about paying for the fare. I've other parties to take care of!

Chaplain, he wants money!

Take the lot! Ich kann bezahlen. A penny more or less bothers me not.

- Hergott! - Wait! We've got to search him.

Of course. All those who are dead, report to the Korpskommando

within three days, to get a Christian burial.

Lady, don't tickle me!

That's not enough! I took him round the town three times!

- We've got no more! - Fine business! Fiel

The fire won't burn! Somebody must be blowing on it...

I want something, but I don't know what. I don't know!

Don't you know what I want?

But I couldn't care less, and neither could you, Svejk!

- Sit down! - Oh, I'm so alone in the world!

People, Svejk, I've got to tell you something!

- I, a repentant sinner, confess... - Don't lie on the floor!

- Just a minute, I have to tell... - Chaplain, will you lie down!

My compliments! Ladies, I've a lovely joke for you.

There once was a drummer living in Budéjovice, he got married

and died within a year! Isn't it lovely?

Ma'am, what a sweet boy you've got!

Look, what uncle's brought you...

Boodlicky, boodlicky, boodlicky! I want a cognac! Where is it?

Come here, come here, come...

Come on, lie down quietly, or I'll have to hit you one!

You're such a good boy. I'll have to marry you off to my sister.

Chaplain, do you hear me?

Is that you, Svejk? Where am 1?

It seems you've been suffering from a slight attack of the DTs.

Yesterday, I've lost all my money. Including you, Svejk.

I've lost you at cards, Svejk!

I've thrown you into the clutches of Lieutenant Lukas.

That's not the end of the world.

In a few days time we'll get the money somehow...

Oh no, impossible, quite impossible!

You know, debts at cards are debts of honour.

And I'm an officer. Hab acht!

Abtreten!

Jesus Christ! Jesus...

Beg to report, Sir, that I'm here!

Turn around!

- Some more, Sir? - Halt!

Well, finally you look almost like a soldier.

- Did they supply you with a coat? - Beg to report, even with a coat!

A word of warning, I'm very strict. Do you even know what a batman is?

A batman's an officer's servant, boot-polish and pipe-cleaner.

If I say, "Jump into the fire!",

into the fire you have to jump, even if you wouldn't like to.

What're you staring at?

Beg to report, Sir, that's a Harz canary!

- Are you fond of animals? - It's dogs I fancy most, Sir.

- If you'd like me to... - I'm fond of dogs, as companions.

- I used to have a stable dog once... - Stable dogs are the best.

A stable dog's not to everybody's liking, he's got such hard whiskers

and looks like a released prisoner, but he's so ugly he's beautiful!

Well, when you get the chance, bring me a dog!

Hand me my sword.

And remember: I love everything clean and tidy.

And I can't stand lies. I love honesty and hate lies.

Lies I punish without mercy. Is that understood?

Beg to report, Sir, quite. There's nothing worse than a liar.

And as far as honesty's concerned, there's nothing nicer,

because with honesty you get places. Take for instance a walking contest.

As soon as you start doing tricks and running, you're disqualified.

That happened to a cousin of mine.

An honest man's respected everywhere,

he's satisfied with himself and feels like a new-born babe,

when he goes to bed and can say, "Well, I've been so honest today."

The Chaplain recommended you to me as a champion idiot.

I'm inclined to think he wasn't far wrong.

Beg to report, Sir,

I was discharged from doing my regular service for being feeble-minded.

There were two of us discharged for the same reason and the time:

me and a Captain von Kaunitz.

Now, Svejk, comes the main thing. Sometimes, ladies come to me.

One or the other may stay all night.

In a case like that you'll bring coffee for two into the bedroom,

but be sure not to enter till I ring for you!

Do you hear me?

Beg to report, Sir, I know what it means to come at the wrong time.

Once, I took a young woman home with me, and just as we were

getting on fine together, my charwoman brought me the coffee.

She didn't half have a fright, poured all the coffee down my back

and said "Good morning" on top of it.

I'm on duty today. I shan't be home till late. Tidy the place up a bit.

The last orderly was so slovenly he's leaving today for the front!

And don't let anyone into the apartment!

Oak leaf, oak leaf, don't fall into the river.

The water would carry you away and that would make me sad.

- Are you the Lieutenant's batman? - That I am!

Well, why don't you open up? Why do you leave me kicking outside?

- I didn't... -Hear the bell, I know. Don't lie to me.

You know very well I rang the bell. Take those suitcases inside!

I can't do that without the Lieutenant's permission.

Do as I told you. Take those suitcases into the room!

Lady, the only order I got was to get a stable dog.

I know nothing whatsoever about your suitcases.

- So you won't take my cases in? - As I've told you.

Till I get an army order, I don't know my own brother.

I'm going to lock up, and of course I can't leave a stranger in the flat.

- So please... - You must be crazy!

I've come to visit the Lieutenant...

That's an old one. In our street, someone came to visit BéliCsky,

the confectioner, and once in his absence opened all the wardrobes,

- and ran away with the contents! - Once more, take the cases in!

Excuse me, Ma'am, I've been entrusted with the whole apartment.

I'm responsible for every single bit of it.

I'm really sorry I've got to talk to you like this,

but there's got to be order in the army!

Take this to the Lieutenant!

Here's a five crown tip for you.

- I'll wait here for the answer. - No play, Ma'am.

Keep your five crowns. If you insist, you can come to the barracks with me.

I'll hand your letter to the Lieutenant

and you can get your answer.

Now, I'm going to lock up!

- What's the matter? - Beg to report, a letter for you.

LIEBER HEINRICH! I CAN'T STAND MY HUSBAND.

I'VE COME TO VISIT YOU FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS.

DEIN BURSCH IST EIN GROSSES MISTVIEH. DEINE KATTY.

The lady writes you're a beast. What've you done to her?

Beg to report, Sir, nothing.

She wanted to move into your flat, suitcases and all.

- What? What's that? - Well I prevented that alright.

I know of a draper in VojtéSska Street who once took a lady

to spend one night with him, and then couldn't get rid of her,

so he had to poison himself with coal gas, and her as well.

- Where is she now? - Waiting outside the gate.

My orders, Ma'am, are to treat you politely and to do everything

you might wish. I got a hundred crowns to do it with.

Get a cab!

What do you say to that, Svejk?

As the Staff HQ would put it in their reports:

After a carefully prepared retreat,

we entrenched ourselves in positions prepared beforehand.

- Svejk! Where are you? - Beg to report that I'm here.

Come in!

Inside, you mean?

Of course, I want you to scrub my back!

Wouldn't you prefer to wait till the Lieutenant comes home?

No, I want it done right now... And by you!

- Everything alright, Svejk? - Beg to report, Sir,

that I've fulfilled all the lady's wishes as you instructed me.

Thank you very much, Svejk! And did she want many things done?

About six, Sir.

And now she's sound asleep. I did everything she wanted.

Thanks, I'm glad I can rely on you in everything.

Beg to report, Sir, that I'm waiting here.

I've asked you to come because we have to talk in confidence.

What's going on at home? What's she doing?

She just broke that large bottle of Eau de Cologne.

The place smells like a barbershop.

What are we going to do?

Don't say I haven't warned you. I know of a fellow once...

- We must get rid of that woman. - It's high time, too.

Or we'll be as weak as puppies.

- But how? -The best thing, Sir, would be to dispatch her home.

"Priority, registered mail," too. I know of a similar case,

happened at VVSenory last year. Let's send a wire to her husband.

As a sort of "unknown friend." We'll put it like this:

"Your wife's address is such & such." After all, it isn't your fault.

- You didn't invite her to come. - Of course I didn't.

And, as you say, her husband, is an intelligent sort of a fellow.

So even if you do get a punch on the jaw...

Let's go to the post office.

Where is she? Here she is...

- Katy! - My husband, Lieutenant Lukas.

- An "Unknown Friend" wired me the address. -How disgraceful!

- Don't you like cigarettes? - Thanks, thanks.

- Pardon me. - Take a seat, won't you?

- You must be tired. - Yes, please, thank you.

You don't know how pleased I am to be here to welcome you.

You know, I live at the barracks, and that's why I was able to offer

Madam the hospitality of my flat, as an old acquaintance.

My Katy is a funny woman. Suddenly she decided to take a nerve cure.

I was away travelling, and upon my return

I find the house empty and Katy gone.

What about you, Lieutenant? You'll be off to the front soon, I suppose?

As soon as I've finished my job of training volunteer officers.

We need a lot of new officers, you know, and it's very sad

most men prefer to remain plain privates in the infantry.

- It looks like people lack interest in the war... -You're wrong there.

It interests me very much what's going on at the front.

The hop business's been hit by the war, but I hope it won't last.

Our position's very good. The Eastern Beskyd Mountains

and the Carpathians are excellent pivotal centres for us.

One strong blow on this line and we shan't stop till Moscow.

Pardon me, Miss, can you tell me which way to Zizkov?

- To Zizkov? You'll have to turn back this way... -Back?

Across the Bridge, then as far as the Powder Tower, there ask again.

- You don't seem to be from Prague, either? -No, I'm from Vodrany.

From Vodriany? So we're almost neighbours - I'm from Protivin.

If you're from Protivin, then you're sure to know Pejchar,

the butcher on the village-green?

- Of course I do, he's my cousin. - You don't say.

Aren't you a Jaros?

- Indeed. -Which Jaros family do you come from? From the Razice branch?

- From Razice. -Is your father still delivering beer? -Indeed he is.

- Well, he must be over sixty now. - Sixty-eight he was last spring.

You don't say...

Lux! Lux!

Lux!

3 breweries where I used to deliver thousands of tons of hops every year

were burned down in Belgium. Another one, in Lwow, was burned to cinders.

If it goes on like this, I shall be ruined.

Katy, are you ready? All this is causing me so much excitement.

These losses in business and then domestic worries on top of it.

Last year she ran away with a prof, as far as Zagreb.

At that time I managed to sell 6 tons of hops to the local brewery.

What's going to happen to my cases?

Of course, darling, of course. Everything's ready.

I've got a car waiting downstairs.

- Lieutenant... - Ma'am. -Why didn't you protect me?

You permit him to drag me away like a lifeless doll...

- We have to say goodbye now! - As you wish...

My compliments, Lieutenant.

If you should get injured fighting, come to our place for a rest-cure.

Come here, you...

Beg to report, Sir, I'm bringing you thoroughbred...

Come on, you! ...stable dog.

He's got to get used to his new surroundings.

- What's his name? - Max. I'll get his pedigree soon.

Put him into the kitchen for now.

Come on, I tell you... come on!

Don't look so cross, you silly ass.

If you think it over, every soldier has been stolen from his home, too.

Stop!

Lieutenant, subordinates must always salute their superiors!

This regulation's not been abolished! And now, to the second point:

Since when do Lieutenants take stolen dogs for a walk? Answer me!

- That dog, Colonel... - Belongs to me! That's my Lux!

- You didn't read the ad that Colonel Krause's dog is missing? -No. -What?

You didn't read the ad your superior officer put in the paper?

Nice goings on! And at a time we're losing hundreds and hundreds

of brave soldiers at the front everyday and you don't read the ads!

Do you call that discipline?

That way I could advertise for one, two, three hundred years!

- I can assure you, Sir... - It won't happen again?

I'll see to that! I'll send you off to Budéjovice,

where the march battalions are being formed!

You can enjoy your walking now in the meanwhile!

Fierce fights at Medzilaborce...

Alright, so...

Svejk! You've stolen a dog!

- I didn't steal him myself. - But you knew he was stolen!

Yes, I did.

Svejk!

You know I feel like sending you off to face the Council of war?

But they'd set you free,

given that you'd be the stupidest thing they'd've ever seen!

Why the heck did you bring that beast into my house?

- In order to bring you joy. - Jesus Christ!

Do you happen to know what a march battalion is?

"March batty"! Marschkompanie is "march compy"!

We abbreviate these.

Get ready. With that march batty we'll soon be joining the front!

- Are you happy? - Lieutenant, that'll be splendid!

When we both get killed together for the Emperor and his family!

END OF PART ONE