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1 In case you weren't there, I gotta tell ya,

last Saturday night at Babylon was...

to die for.

Would somebody please say something?

Okay.

So it's late, and I'm leaving Babylon,

and there's this really hot guy.

And he's, like, perfect.

How perfect?

Perfect.

And we end up... At my place.

So I work with emotionally disturbed kids,

and I really love it.

And I'm the captain of the gay water polo team.

You're really well-rounded.

So we're making out,

and in my mind, I'm picturing him in a Speedo

with the flag on it.

Say, have you ever been to Brazil?

Um, no. Have you?

I just came back. It's fabulous.

Great beaches, I hear.

Yeah.

Only, they have these things.

Things?

Uh, parasite things.

They live in the sand, and they sort of...

Burrow themselves right up in there.

He had them...

Brazilian beach parasites in his ass.

Oh, God!

Well, at least you found out before you got too far.

What about you?

We were just getting started.

I feel like a 1991 Madonna video.

Um, do you have this in a size larger?

Can we hurry this along?

I've got a bride and groom to do in the morning.

So you're bi?

No. They're dead...

Car crash.

You went home with...

An undertaker. Mm-hmm.

I fucked an undertaker once.

You did? When?

He told me sometimes they sew the mouths shut.

What about you, Brian?

What'd you do?

I made it an early evening.

You know, um, when I go,

promise you won't let them sew my mouth shut?

Because when I get to heaven and I meet Natalie Wood,

I want to be able to say, "Natalie! It's Emmett!

What happened that night?"

Hey!

Shouldn't you boys be getting to the hospital?

Schmidt, Ted.

- Are you family? - Friends.

Uh, we know he's, like, in a coma and everything.

We'd just like to be with him for a little while, if that's okay.

I'll see.

The nurses' station.

I used to think it had something to do with radio.

"All nursing, all the time."

Hello.

I'm Margaret Schmidt.

I'm Ted's mother.

If you need permission to see him, I'll give it.

I... I'm sure he'd appreciate it.

I'm Michael.

This is Emmett and Brian.

We're Ted's friends.

He's still in the coma.

He looks like he did when he was a boy,

when he slept.

They don't think he'll come out of it.

I sat by his bed...

All night.

About 5:00 in the morning, it occurred to me...

Loving someone's not the same as knowing them.

Brian!

Justin?

Justin, you're late!

All right, I'm up. I'm up.

You got ten minutes.

I'm taking a shower, okay?

I'm out of shampoo.

I'll get you some.

Who do you think it was?

I mean, who, uh, gave him the drugs?

I bet it was that guy Blake who was cruising him all night.

- Think we should tell someone? - No.

His mom said she'd call us if there was any change.

You know, he's the first.

The first almost-dead guy I sort of had sex with.

- You had sex with Ted? - You never had sex with Ted.

- When did you have sex with... - Sort-of sex...

At this semi orgy.

"Semi"? When?

You know that weekend that John-John's plane went down?

Oh, God.

They kept showing him on the beach with his shirt off.

I didn't know whether to jerk off or weep.

So did... So did you, like, plan it?

It just sort of happened.

Things do.

It was Scott and Kevin, the Todds.

And Ted shows up with my taxes,

and all of a sudden, we're all doing it, and...

He even tried to fuck me.

He's in there.

His life's like this... Dot on a screen.

And it could be us.

No, it could not be us...

Because we know better.

We know not to believe pretty little blonde boys

who tell you that "it's really good shit,"

because that's what they all say.

Ted didn't know that.

And he didn't know that you only do drugs with your friends

because they're the only ones that give a fuck about you.

Now I've to go to work.

I have to be brilliant.

F. Scott Fitzgerald...

Classic profile, famously handsome,

and The Great Gatsby,

which captures a particular American yearning.

And what do I mean by that, hmm?

Justin?

Uh, yearning's when you want something really badly.

Like... So bad, it hurts.

Exactly.

It needs to hurt to be worthy of the word.

Otherwise, it's just wanting,

as represented in "The Gatsby"

by the green light across the water.

You can see it, but you can't touch it.

Mr. Hobbs.

Mr. Hobbs, are your parents really paying for you

to have another testosterone outburst?

- I wasn't doing anything. - Exactly.

But you will be after school.

I have football practice.

Not today.

Today you'll be cleaning out the athletic room.

The only thing we fight about in this room,

Mr. Hobbs...

Is interpretation.

Mrs. Schmidt, we're going to work.

I... if you want, you can call me on my cell phone, if...

They said he took an overdose of a...

A drug I've never heard of.

Well, he wasn't a... A drug user.

He must have met someone that night...

And took him home.

May I ask you something, Michael?

Sure.

If my son had been straight,

if he had taken a woman home,

do you think she would have run off

and left him there to die?

Need some help?

This sucks.

Yeah. They need you at practice.

How do you know they do?

I thought you weren't into, like, sports and shit.

Some.

Yeah, well, you sure keep it a secret.

I'm supposed to get all of this shit cleaned up out of here.

Wow. You're pretty strong.

That's my other secret.

I can't do this fucking copy.

Excuse me for barging in.

This won't take long.

As you may or may not know,

I'm Ted's lawyer.

So?

So you need to know Ted made a living will.

- Do you have one? - No.

Well, you should.

But I'm not your lawyer, I'm his.

Anyway, he's made you responsible.

For what?

For deciding, should he ever be incompetent

or unable to make a decision,

whether to be kept alive by extraordinary measures

or be permitted to die.

Are you telling me that Ted wants me to decide

whether or not to pull the plug?

I tried to talk him out of it.

And how long have you known about this?

- It doesn't matter how long. - Yeah, it does.

I'm this secret you two have been sharing.

When were you planning on telling me?

I was hoping I wouldn't have to,

that the situation would never arise.

Well, it has. It's arisen now.

And now you know.

Suzanne Shepley, big whore...

She'll blow you, but she won't fuck

if you're in this school,

only if you go somewhere else, preferably Catholic.

She seemed like a dyke to me.

No, man, she's not a dyke.

She's a whore. There's a difference.

So you know Mary Frances Cottallutto?

Hmm?

So she comes over to interview me for the school paper

about being this great athlete and shit.

And it's 4:00, and my mom won't be home till 6:00.

So I tell her what a touchdown is like,

and then she grabs my dick.

- No. - Oh, yeah, she went for it.

Not only that, she unzips my fly.

She's got my dick,

and she's got all these rings on.

They're cold, but her hand's warm.

And she's rubbing... And rubbing.

Oh, yeah.

And then she's got to go home,

you know, and I'm there,

and I'm...

You're hard.

Oh, shit.

Shouldn't you be working?

I, uh... I am working, Mr. Horner.

- Hey, guys. - Hey.

How come I can't get my glutes to look like that?

Maybe you're not properly visualizing the muscle group.

Oh, I'm visualizing it, all right...

On my face.

Why me?

Why not his mother?

Why not you?

Because I can't decide what to wear in the morning.

Who, in their right mind,

would give me power of life and death?

I couldn't do it, either.

- I don't even like Ted. - Oh, come on, you do so.

Well, not enough to be responsible

for his fucking life.

Well, he must have wanted you for a reason.

Maybe he's secretly in love with you.

"I love you. I'm comatose. Kill me."

It's not over yet, Brian. He could still wake up.

Chris? No way!

Then don't believe me.

But I thought you were in love with that Brian guy.

Me and Chris... That's not love, Daph.

That's just fucking.

Oh, and I thought it was detention.

Justin?

Well, I gotta go.

- Hey, Mrs. Taylor. - Hi, Daphne.

Didn't you have art club this afternoon?

I quit art club.

You love art club.

I'm not interested.

Since when? Just last week...

you don't know everything about me!

A week's, like, a long time,

things can change in a week.

Well, I thought you might like to know I'm going to Niketown,

but you're probably not interested in that either.

- When? - Now.

And you can drive.

What?

Just the thing you do with your hands...

Like this.

I do that, huh?

- Yeah, you do. - Well, you should know.

Yeah.

People wake up from comas, sweetheart.

Yeah, sure.

Your uncle Vic... How long was he in his?

- Nine days? - Ten.

And I thought I'd lost him.

I couldn't tell your grandmother it was AIDS at the time

because she couldn't have dealt with it.

I wanted to hear all about the white light

and the... the tunnel

and... and did Aunt Theresa get to heaven?

First words out of his mouth, "Did I miss the Golden Globes?"

So how is he?

The same.

No change.

I'm going to go back a little later.

I thought I'd take something to his mom.

What was that for?

Turkey meat loaf...

Lemon bars... They're great today.

You're a good driver.

Better than you.

Okay, slow down. This is a bit too fast.

This is normal, and you just said I was a good driver.

What?

Nothing.

It's just nice... you laughed.

It's been a while.

You know, maybe you could get another car,

let me have this for school.

Oh, just hand it over, huh?

I was 20 before I had a car.

I was going out with Jay McLaughlin.

He could have been your father.

That's stupid. I wouldn't be me.

He was my first real boyfriend.

I'd be totally someone else.

Learned with him what a kiss really was.

Gross.

Don't tell me. I don't want to know.

Well, now you do.

So do you have a boyfriend, Justin?

You can tell me.

I promise you, I won't tell your father.

I don't.

Then who's Brian?

Justin. Justin!

Mrs. Schmidt?

Michael.

I don't mean to bug you. Uh, I brought you this.

It's from my mom...

Meat loaf and lemon bars.

The lemon bars are really good.

Well, there's, um, still no change.

They're watching and waiting, so...

I thought I'd take a small break.

I'm sure you could use one.

He mentioned a Michael.

I said, um,

"tell me the name of one special friend."

And he said, "well, there's a Michael."

Thank you for the food, dear.

I'll, uh, stay a bit longer,

and then I'll go to his condo tonight.

His condo?

Oh, for pajamas.

I don't know if he even wears them,

but if he does,

He'll need them when, um...

Torso.

It's me.

Oh, my God, is he dead?

No, but he's going to wish he was

when he finds out his mom's going to his condo tonight for pajamas!

Oh, shit! What if she finds his porn?

And his magazines!

And remember his 33rd birthday last year?

When we gave him those 33 dildos.

That was hilarious.

Well, it's not so funny anymore!

We've got to go there and find all 33.

- Wait! - What?

What if he's given some as hostess gifts?

I don't have a lot of time.

You have time to kiss your son.

Hey, honey! His bath's ready.

Oh.

Did we know he was coming?

No, we did not know.

Well, it'd be nice if you'd call first.

As I said, his bath's ready.

So, if you want me to take him...

I don't give a shit what Ted wants!

I'm not doing it. Do you understand?

I told him you'd be this way.

He has a mother.

Yeah, would you wish this on yours?

He has better friends.

Well, that's for goddamn sure.

Melanie, would you please...

Look, did I barge in here at bath time?

Was that me?

Fuck bath time, and fuck you!

- Hey, fuck you. - Just stop it! Both of you!

So let's cut to the chase. Find somebody else.

His mommy or Michael or Madonna...

I don't care who!

- But he chose you. - Well, he chose wrong.

Yeah, that's what I said to him.

I said, "Brian is not the person

you want responsible for your life.

He's a selfish, narcissistic, little fucking faggot."

And let me tell you something, it's not because you suck cock.

It's because you're a little fucking coward!

So go. Get out! Now!

You had no right talking to him that way.

"No right"?

Ted is lying there, on life support.

He is probably never going to wake up,

and he is depending on Brian to show him the decency,

the kindness to release him.

That's all the more reason to be kind.

After all, he's the one who has to do it.

Think how hard it must be...

Or if it were one of us...

If it was me lying there and you had to pull the plug.

I'm not sure I could.

Maybe that's why you're so angry at him,

because you know if it were you,

you'd be as scared and angry as he is.

She knows. My mom knows.

- Holy shit. - I've got to find Brian.

What for?

- He'll know what to do. - Like he cares.

He wants me.

How can you tell?

Because I can.

I'm going to live with him. I'm going to be with him.

You'll see. Now, please, you've got to help me.

I'm grounded.

My mom said she'd better come home

and find me reading Toni Morrison.

Well, they don't get home until 7:00.

And you do beat Beloved.

That's better.

I'm always telling him not everything in life

needs to be centered.

We can redecorate later. His mother's coming!

Poppers.

Oop!

Cheddar, brie.

I don't think there are particularly strong shame issues

attached to cheese, Michael.

Fine! Whatever.

You check out the bedroom, I'll work out here.

Okay.

Falcon, Falcon...

You've Got Mail?

He masturbates to Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks?

Ow!

- Found 'em! - God!

Jesus, look at this one!

Hah!

- Touché! - In this case, tushy!

- Whoo! - Hah!

Dead! Right through the heart!

All right!

There's, like, a million of them in there,

- and we've got to find them all. - We must.

Michael?

Come here.

Shit! Fuck!

Brian!

Shut up!

Justin, I got to go home.

But I... I have to find him.

Well, what about the crazy lady?

What crazy lady?

You know, the weird one from the diner.

You mean Debbie?

So what do you think it means?

I think it means he likes you.

I think it means he loves me.

Kind of flattering, in a way.

He collects you the way you collect comics.

It's just that...

All this time, I... I never knew.

There's a lot of things we don't know about each other.

Like, did you know...

I used to walk down the street in Hazelhurst, Mississippi,

and the postman would spit at me?

I don't know where my father was born...

Or even who he is.

I sat with my dead grandma for an hour

and held her hand

before I told anyone she was dead.

How come we never tell each other these things, huh?

Don't tell me.

Brian... Am I right?

Come on in. I'll make you a sandwich.

- I actually just need to know... - And don't talk.

I can figure it all out.

Have a seat, honey, right there.

Michael? It's me.

You've got mail.

I just want you to know

Melanie feels terrible about what she said.

Do you think I care?

Look, it's upsetting for all of us,

but at a time like this, we could try

showing a little compassion, especially for Ted.

Is there any word?

The machines say he's still alive.

Poor guy.

What about us?

We don't have any beeps or wires

with little white dots telling us we're alive,

so how do we know?

I guess we just take each other's word.

Maybe we know from what people expect from us.

I mean, take Gus.

He needs me to feed him, to change him.

Knowing that tells me I'm alive.

So, for me, right now it's him.

What about me?

Ted needs you now.

So maybe that's what tells you you're alive.

You'll do the right thing...

Whatever it is.

You don't know that.

Fuck you.

Fuck you...

For going home with some tweaked-out little twinkie

and thinking you got lucky.

Did he let you eat his ass?

Did he let you suck his cock?

Well, I hope it was worth it.

And fuck you for choosing me.

I ought to let you lie here forever.

How'd you like that?

Can you hear me?

You know, you're not so bad-looking.

In fact...

You look better like this.

You should die more often...

Or live...

So that I don't have to say, "yes."

"Yes, I'll do it.

I'll give you what you want...

what you need."

But don't think it's for you.

It's not.

It's for me.

Jesus.

This is my house!

You've got your own. Go home!

I can't.

- What? - I can't.

My mom knows.

Well, she can go to my PFLAG group at the center,

every other Tuesday.

I'll get her a T-shirt and a button.

- Ma, please! - "Ma, please" what?

I am proud to have a gay son.

We know!

- And brother. - Thanks, sis.

I've always said it isn't who you love,

it's how you love.

Genitalia is simply God's way of accessorizing.

This is not about you

and the Gay Mother of the Year award.

This is about Brian's one-night stand.

- Not just one. - Don't bet on it.

And who here even cares?

I do!

My dad threatened to disown me.

He called me "a big queer."

He didn't hit you, did he?

Oh, come on, Uncle Vic.

You're not going to listen to this shit?

That's why I have to see Brian.

- He'll let me stay with him. - I don't think so.

Well, then... I'll go to New York.

I'll become a hustler, and I'll sell my body

to gross, old homos.

I'll give you 20 bucks.

Save him the train fare.

I'm going to throw up. I gotta vomit...

Upstairs bathroom...

The one for guests and drama queens.

It's not a joke, you know.

Gay teens have a very high suicide rate.

Unfortunately, not this one.

I'm calling his mother.

It's not our business.

He may be telling the truth.

And even if he isn't, she's got to be worried.

She's not worried.

Now she knows.

It's not drugs. It's not booze.

He didn't buy an automatic weapon

to take down to the Spanish club.

It's just cock.

Hi.

How did he find you?

They all find her. And now he won't leave.

You got to do something.

Like what?

Like get him out of my house!

He's upstairs.

All right. I'm going.

This is not how I wanted to spend my evening.

By the way...

Ted woke up.

He's going to be okay.

What are you doing here?

Waiting for you.

Well, it's a relief, I'll say that.

I like Ted.

There's a real sweetheart in there somewhere.

Michael?

- I've decided. - What?

You and me... We're taking him home.

Why you and me? Why... why me at all?

Well, he can hardly go with Brian.

And if I go, it looks a little...

Fagin and Oliver Twist.

Leaving me, huh? The harmless one.

Thanks a lot.

I'm calling your mother. I'm taking you home.

I'm not going.

You get my tits in a knot, sunshine,

and you're going to be in deep shit.

Excuse me.

What are you studying in school?

Hmm?

It's called conversation.

Ready?

I need to talk to Brian. I'll be there in a second.

Do you have anything to say?

No.

Well, I do.

You can fuck him at your place.

You can fuck him in his gym class.

You can fuck him at the zoo.

But you cannot fuck him in my mother's house...

In my room.

We're waiting!

Okay, I'm going to go do this little job,

and then I'm going to go see Ted at the hospital.

You do whatever the fuck you want.

Nobody knows if it's nature or nurture, being gay.

Now they're all saying you can tell

by the length of the index finger,

although all of Michael's fingers are perfectly normal.

He should have three kids and a beer belly,

and he's about as gay as you get.

Ma, give it rest!

Listen!

That's nice, huh?

Not like that old buzzer at our house.

Oh, hi!

Um...

I was admiring your chimes.

You have a real nice place here.

Oh, thank you. Uh, you must be...

Rude little shit, isn't he?

Um, I'm Debbie Novotny.

And this is my gay son, Michael.

Ma!

I'm Jennifer Taylor.

Jennifer.

Honey? Who's there?

It's no one!

Listen, uh...

If you ever need to talk to somebody,

I work over at the Liberty Diner

on Liberty Avenue...

'Cause I know what you're going through...

The finding out.

I mean, I always knew about Michael.

In fact, I told him, right?

To spare him the pain of having to tell me.

So...

Jennifer...

Don't ask, "are you?"

Because it's never a question.

Just say, "I know."

Uh, thank you.

You had to say all that?

I was trying to help.

You try too much.

You're still wearing that same old coat.

So someday you'll buy me a mink.

You're going to be a big success.

Yeah, right. You'll freeze to death first.

- What was that for? - You can be such an asshole!

- What'd I do? - You don't know yourself!

"Know thyself."

Some Greek said that.

Who was it?

Zorba?

I don't know.

I don't know anything.

Now take me home.

Are you sure I can't help?

I can do it. It's no big deal.

I wish you'd let me drive you home.

I already asked my friends.

Michael, Emmett, Brian.

I met them while you were asleep.

- Oh. - They're very nice...

Especially Michael.

Yeah, Michael is...

Especially special.

Are you two...

I mean...

Oh, no.

No, we, uh...

He's just a friend.

Well, he's a very good friend.

He was very kind to me.

I'm grateful you have him.

Yeah, so am I.

Because more than anything, I worry that you're alone...

And that there's no one to look after you.

I can take care of myself.

Oh, I know you can.

You've always been self-sufficient.

I just... I wish you had someone to love you.

I mean, if you did, maybe this wouldn't have happened.

Mom, please. Let's, uh...

I'm sorry.

I know that it embarrasses you if I talk too much or...

I get too emotional.

But I can't help thinking that...

If you hadn't woken up,

then I would never have gotten the chance to let you know

how proud I am that you're my son

and that it doesn't matter to me what you are.

Oh, I got over that a long time ago.

And that whenever you're feeling alone...

Or that no one loves you...

That's not true...

Because I do.

Thank you...

Mom, for, uh... For saying that.

Now, say it three times and click your heels...

"there's no place like home."

You know, you guys really didn't have to do this...

All the flowers and the groceries.

One-stop shopping at the big Q-mart.

Well, it's... it's nice.

Only, can somebody tell me why I had to stay there

three days after I woke up?

They wanted to make sure you're still alive.

On your best days, it's hard to tell.

Okay, just so you don't freak out...

Your dildos are missing... and your porn.

We had to move it all, in case your mom found it.

Well, I expect all 33 back... cleaned.

- You should eat something, honey. - I'm not hungry.

We bought you a whole fucking chicken.

And you're gonna eat it.

It always looks so much smaller.

- What does? - Your life...

Especially after returning from a near-death experience.

Like watching the Oscars.

"Immediately preceded by... "

"The Barbara Walters Special."

I'm glad you're here.

You are?

Well, uh, I, um...

What?

Um...

Uh...

I'm glad you're here too.

And if you ever want to talk about this

or other stuff...

"Other stuff"?

You know, if there's some...

You know, if there's something you can't talk about.

Like what?

I don't know.

You know, maybe if you talk about it, it might help it.

But, you know, you might not get you what you want...

But...

Aw, shit.

Are you going to come eat the chicken?

I'm going to arrange the daisies.

I saw you...

Fucking...

When I woke up.

I thought...

"I'm in hell, and this is my punishment...

watching Brian Kinney fucking for all eternity."

You should be so lucky.

Why me?

Why did you choose me?

My mother couldn't do it.

Michael and Emmett...

couldn't do it.

But you could,

'cause you're a heartless shit.

You could pull the plug, and you wouldn't cry.

And you'd know when it's time to go.

I want it to be you.

What?

I want it to be you!

I'll put it in writing.

I want it to be you too.

You pull my plug.

And you pull mine.

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