Original subtitles

RON: Thank you, Tucson!

RON: Oh, yeah.

Come to Papa.

Morning, Ron. Good morning.

You know, I don't say this often enough,

but you are a real looker.

No joke-- the beard, the shirt,

the greasy hair.

Somehow it just works.

What do you want from me, Brandon?

Uh, we need you to drive us down to Game Junction

tonight at 8:00, wait in the car for four to six hours,

and then take us home. What?

And you're going to want to make us some snacks,

maybe sausage balls--

no, pot stickers.

What in the world are you guys

going to do out in front of Nerd Junction all night?

Pimp Killer: Melbourne comes out at midnight.

(with Australian accent): Put another pimp

on the barbie, mate.

Just go ahead and say yes, Ron.

You have to anyway,

so let's not draw this out.

Oh, well done, well done, gang.

No can do.

Tonight is the Tucson Beer Pong World Series.

Think I have an actual shot at winning this year.

Bunch of top contenders are dropping out

'cause of swine flu.

Swapped spit with a barmaid whose brother had it,

so I'm probably immune.

This is not optional, Ron.

Oh, I'm sorry, it's not optional?

What day is it, Gary?

June 18. Why?

Oh, no.

Oh, no, look.

Somebody forgot to calendar it.

Oh, boy.

You know the rules, Gary.

You made 'em up.

Now, if you'll excuse me...

(sniffs) ...I have to see a man about some eggs.

(phone ringing)

(blows raspberry)

Okay, fresh frittata.

(sniffs)

(sniffing) Oh.

What am I smelling here?

Is that sautéed rosemary?

You will never get it out of me, Glenn.

If I give you one of my recipes,

you'll run off and do something stupid

like have breakfast with your wife.

So... you psyched about Father's Day?

Father's Day, gosh, hadn't even thought about it.

Come on, this is your first Father's Day

as an actual father. Yeah.

And by "actual," I mean "fake."

You know what, Glenn? Father's Day is stupid, man.

It's for suckers.

My family never celebrated it.

(chuckles) Although...

one time we did try to give the old man breakfast in bed.

He just made a big joke out of it

by screaming at us about his hangover

and calling us a bunch of stupid little mistakes.

Oh, that guy could always make me laugh.

just because he didn't care

doesn't mean that...

He did care, Glenn.

He used tough love, okay,

like locking me outside of the house

so I wouldn't rot my brain with TV.

Now, eat up before it cools.

The pepper jack will harden and choke you.

Well, I wish Father's Day wasn't

a big deal around our house.

Angela considers that and Mother's Day

the calendar's cruel reminders

of my failure to impregnate her.

ANGELA: Glenn! Oh, God.

You're eating here again? Hey.

If you don't get in that car right now,

I'm going to couple's therapy without you.

Damn the siren song of your frittata, Ron.

No man can resist.

Sorry, honey.

I don't know what to tell you, Angela.

Some people just get breakfast, you know.

Unfortunately, it's not really something

you can learn.

Either you got breakfast... or you don't.

Hmm, you know, Ron, some of us are a little too busy

to be cooking three-course meals in the morning.

We're caught up with time-consuming things

like brushing, flossing, taking a shower.

You should try it sometime.

Oh, I'm sorry, I was busy thinking

about a great recipe I have

for caramel-glazed sticky buns.

Oh, Ron.

Let's go, Glenn.

His stomach will always be mine, Angela.

Thanks. (machine gun firing on television)

That was Dad's lawyer.

Dad's calling us this Sunday.

Wow, that's awesome.

What's the big deal? He calls every Sunday.

That's Ron's bookie, Robby.

Dad hasn't called us since he went to prison.

No wonder that guy never says "I love you" back.

We're going to want to put some thought into this.

We only have ten minutes to talk to him, so I'm proposing

that we divide the conversation into three chunks

of three minutes and ten seconds each.

That'll leave us 30 seconds for hand-offs,

throat clearings, and possible receiver droppings.

Gary, this is Dad,

not one of the girls you harass at school.

We don't want to squander our time when he calls.

We all remember what happened when Dad

was being led out of the courtroom after sentencing.

Two minutes to say good-bye, and Brandon wasted it

by asking him if he liked seafood.

I was hungry.

We need to prepare.

Why did he pick this Sunday?

It's Father's Day, idiot.

Oh, crap.

I forgot about Father's Day.

I can't believe I did that. I forgot it, too.

We should get him a present.

Can we focus on the call, guys?

Wait, when is Dad's birthday again?

February 5... I think.

I forgot that, too.

What kind of son am I?

I'm horrible.

I'm forgetting his face.

I can't picture his face.

He looked a lot like Garfield.

The president.

Alan, I know.

I know that I owe you a bunch of money, okay,

b-but what I'm offering you is worth so much more than money.

It's the original helmet worn

by Jeff Bridges' stunt double in the movie Tron.

Yep.

You realize that if you kill me, you'll never get--

yeah, I'll hold. We have to get him

something special for Father's Day,

something that shows we really put

some thought into it. W-Wait, Alan, hang on one second.

Yeah, yeah, both kneecaps, I know, hang on, hang on.

It has to be personal

to show him how much we care about him.

Oh, my God, Alan. (clears throat)

Listen, I know we don't know each other very well,

but I got to share this with you.

My boys are buying me a present for Father's Day.

Do you have kids?

Do you, Alan? Hello?

(sighs)

(singsongy): Michael.

(chuckling): Hey.

What's wrong?

You're smiling at work.

Nothing, nothing's wrong with me.

I'm just happy.

Stop it, you're creeping me out.

I get it, I get it, love is scary, I know.

What are you up to on Sunday?

I like our relationship just the way it is, Ron.

I'm throwing a barbecue.

I thought you said that Father's Day was for suckers.

That was a long time ago, Mike.

It was yesterday.

People change, man.

All right, the truth is

I just never really saw it from this side.

Well, I do love a barbecue.

Yeah. I'll bring a baked brie and some sourdough cubes.

(snaps fingers) Lovely.

Hey, Shawn.

All right, keep your fist tight when you make contact.

and make sure you clench your buttocks,

like you're keeping out an intruder.

Hey, buddy.

Nothing gets in. Got it?

Yes.

What are you doing on Sunday?

Not too much, taking an easy day with my kid--

early leg workout and then a mile swim in Lake Pleasant.

Why?

Would your son be free

to come by my place for an afternoon BBQ?

(chuckles)

You kidding?

You and I have never socialized outside of work.

Well, it's never too late to do the right thing.

Sweet!

Yeah!

Sweet! (groans)

Hey, he-hey, how about you, delivery dude?

You feel like coming to a barbecue Sunday afternoon?

Thanks, but I'm working Sunday.

Oh, come on,

those little green shorts scream "party guy."

You can take a half-day, can't you?

No, I can't.

I made a commitment to the Green and the Gold,

and I am going to honor it.

Hey, you realize that you just deliver packages, right?

I deliver hopes and dreams.

They just happen to come in packages.

Thank you.

Hey, kids, what's going on-- big trip

with your dad this weekend?

Probably. Nah.

Camping out for the new Pimp Killers.

Gets released midnight at Game Junction.

Oh, that's right-- Pimp Killers.

My kids are dying for that.

Excuse me.

Hey, Peter, it's Ron.

Listen, I got to bail on the pong tournament tonight.

There's somewhere else I have to be.

No, unless there are three beautiful children

in the bottom of those cups,

you're going to have to find yourself

another designated chugger.

We need to brainstorm some topic ideas for Dad's call.

Robby, what the hell are you doing?

I'm sending Dad

the most personal gift of all-- me. Okay,

I'm filling in the blanks.

I did some research online about Dad, and I found

a picture of him at Yankee Stadium.

So? So that's one piece to the puzzle.

It means he loved the Yankees.

I totally remember that now. He didn't love the Yankees.

He just had to take the clients to the games.

I'm sure he liked the Red Sox.

But, but I remember him

always yelling, "Get a move on, Posada, dig deep!"

Dude, Lance Posada was our gardener.

(grunts)

Can one of you help me pop this shoulder out?

(sputtering)

Oh, bother.

Wowee, how dedicated are we, huh, buddy?

I mean, sure, we're on Tucson's deadliest street,

but gang war, schmang war, we got a video game to buy.

Am I right?

Gang war?

Yeah, yeah, you know, I mean, they call it a gang war

to sell more newspapers, but really, I think

it's just a bunch of random shootings.

We're out of here.

Yeah, keep your heads down.

Serpentine.

86, 87.

Yeah, I'm 87.

I'm 87, yeah!

Oh, that means 87.1 is giving me a free trip to Cabo.

(laughs)

Hey, hey, hey, check it out, man.

I may regret this later,

but I'm feeling a little crazy right now.

You look like an awesome dude, I've been to Cabo.

You want to switch?

Yeah.

Yeah, all right.

(sighs)

Dummy.

Oh, no, oh, boy.

There's an all-wheel- drive station wagon

with an Indigo Girls bumper sticker

being towed out of the parking lot.

That anybody's here?

Go get it.

Sorry, bro, all sold out.

No, n-- are you serious?

No, dude, I have been waiting outside for hours, man.

I-- please, please,

it's for my boys.

All right, they're these great little guys.

I've really grown to love them over the last few weeks.

You should have gotten here earlier.

Yeah.

Hey, hey, hey, throw me a bone, Stewart.

You know, I'm in sales, too.

I know how it works, all right?

You just got to pull a few strings for me,

you know what I mean?

You could do that.

Yeah.

Well, there is one left at a branch

in Lancaster, Pennsylvania.

That's Amish country.

They're renters, they don't buy.

Okay.

I could conceivably put a hold on it

and ship it to you,

but that seems like a lot of work for me,

so I'm not sure why I would do that.

Right.

Oh, God, I'm gonna miss my kneecaps.

I've got a vintage Tron helmet in my trunk

I'm willing to part ways with.

It's still got some of the stuntman's hair stuck inside.

Deal.

Okay.

Hey, bud, great barbecue.

Uh, Angela's right behind me,

so we're just going to want to hide

all the sharp objects like this...

Oh, Glenn.

...and these.

Yeah, don't need... (clattering)

We should hide this, too.

What are you-- Glenn, what are you doing?

Just take the abuse for a little bit.

She'll wear herself out.

Hey, hey, look at this.

And I didn't think the sun would come out

for my little barbecue.

HI, princess.

You've got a lot of nerve, Ron.

You know how hard Glenn and I

are trying to have kids, and you throw this

Father's Day party in our faces.

It's indecent. Selfish ass.

Then why did you come?

I'm not rude.

Here. I baked you a pie.

She bought it.

So, to lead off, what would you rather hear from your son--

that's he's getting straight A's,

which is kind of boring but reassuring,

or that his classmates are all jealous of him

getting straight A's, which is a little off-putting,

but it leaves room for some fatherly advice?

Is there more beer?

Yeah.

Hey, what's the status on the delivery?

STEWART: Gets there by 3:00, guaranteed.

I am loving the helmet.

I took it clubbing last night. What?

Um, any chance you have access

to the circuit board jeans Tron wore?

Yeah. I have 'em on right now.

Get the package here by 2:00, and they're yours.

Yes.

Later. STEWART: Bye.

Oh, God, I can't wait to see the look on their faces.

Hey. How is everybody doing? Hey, Mike, listen,

uh, think you can take a photo of me and my boys?

A memento for the day?

Hey, boys.

ROBBY: He's gonna love my present.

Does anyone know what kind of music he likes?

Can you two quit worrying about this

so we can figure out what we're gonna say to him?

Guys, guys, seriously, it's the thought that counts, okay?

You don't have to give me anything.

What do you mean?

Oh, just having all three of you

here with me today-- that's enough.

Smile.

Why would we get you anything for Father's Day?

We were talking about our dad.

(bird screeching)

You okay?

I go out of my way to be there for them, Glenn.

And they could care less.

Oh, chin up, Ronny.

You're making an effort.

They'll look back and appreciate that.

You're probably just a little sensitive because...

This has nothing to do with my dad, Glenn. God!

You and my high school psychologist

sound like a broken record.

I was gonna say

'cause people have been unhappy with the sausages.

What? Excuse me?

Do you have any mustard for these hot dogs?

What do I look like, Mr. Mustard?

Who's Mr. Mustard? I don't know! Okay? Look around.

It's yellow-- and just a wild stab in the dark--

it's probably in a bottle, okay?!

Is there any ketchup?

Yes.

(sighs)

(cell phone plays tune)

Ugh!

Hey, Stewart.

STEWART: Better take those pants off.

Mission accomplished.

The package will be in your star port by 2:00.

You know what? Just cancel the shipment.

All right? I just found out that my kids don't even

give a crap.

This whole Father's Day thing is a complete scam.

I can't cancel it.

The shipment's being handled by Turbo Package.

Oh, damn it!

You can't have your helmet back!

(sighs) I didn't ask for the...

Too late! I already gave it to my girlfriend.

There's no way you have a girlfriend.

Yes, I do.

What's her name?

Well, I could have a girlfriend now that I have

the helmet.

Bye, Stewart. STEWART: Janet!

Her name is Janet! RON: Hey!

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

GARY: This call's coming up quick.

What are you gonna say?

Mm. If you want,

I have some extra material you can use.

Oh, I have this great little bit

on winning the math-letics tournament.

But if you don't think he'd buy that coming from you...

Oh. (laughs)

You could use this funny little piece on turtle racing.

Oh.

I went through Dad's medicine cabinet.

Did you know he was struggling with constipation?

I had no idea.

(sighs) I give up. I'm totally lost.

I don't know him at all.

Brandon, keep it together.

You can spend your time trying to impress him

with endless chatter all you want,

but I'm gonna spend my time listening to him.

I've got to get to know him.

Constipation and the Red Sox are just the tip of the iceberg.

ROBBY: Hey, guys?

Guys.

Over here.

You didn't see me, did you?

Nope.

Cool. Box me up. I'm good to go.

You know you can't actually do this, right?

You're just jealous you didn't think of it.

Now put that straw in my mouth

and start shoveling in the dirt.

Hey. Hey. God, Turbo Express.

Oh, God.

Hey. Hey.

Oh, hey, it's you.

It's Ron. I met you at the Sport Space the other day.

I invited you to my barbecue.

Oh, right. Yeah, good to see you. How was it?

Hey, you know, it started strong,

and then I, uh, may have yelled

at a fat kid about some mustard, and...

Hmm. It doesn't matter.

That's neither here nor there.

Just wondered, uh, do you...

Do you have a package for 6760 Nolinas Court?

67 Nolinas...

Come on!

Sure do.

Oh.

Nice. I'll take it

from here. That's my package. No can do.

Have to deliver it to the premises.

No releases off the back of the trucks.

Okay. Well, I-I sent it,

so now I would like to unsend it.

Let me explain how this works.

Before you drop off an item for shipment

at Turbo Package, it's yours.

After it gets to its destination,

it's the recipient's.

Oh, is that... Is that right?

In between... it's mine.

Yours.

I swore an oath.

Oh, come on. They made you swear an oath?

No, sir.

I did that on my own... out of respect for the company.

I... Okay, out of respect, yeah.

That's good.

Respect. I respect respect.

Hey!

Meet Turbo Ron!

That package is mine!

I know, sucker.

Tuck and roll.

Hey!

(laughs)

(grunts)

No.

(panting)

Oh!

Oh!

(panting)

Oh-oh. Oh-oh.

(gasps)

What's that? What are you doing?

(grunting) (shouting)

(grunting)

(shrieks)

(grunting)

(grunts)

(yells)

(grunts)

(panting)

(grunting)

RON: No.

(grunting)

Thanks.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have a delivery to make.

(squeals)

(frustrated grunt)

(straining)

Hey.

Hi, sweetie.

Think maybe you could go get your dad?

Huh?

Mm-kay. Okay.

GARY: Opening with the weather!

What was I thinking?

This is all just hack work.

Now I'm wishing I'd written something down.

Oh, now you come around!

The seafood question may come out again.

I'm sorry.

Okay, I'm glad you're all here.

I got something I got to say.

All right?

I'm pretty pissed off right now,

and I need to get this off my chest.

(phone ringing)

It's Dad.

(phone beeps on)

Hello?

What?

Ugh!

Okay.

Thanks.

(phone beeps off)

(sighs)

That was Dad's lawyer.

He said Dad got caught

trying to day-trade through the prison chaplain,

and his phone privileges were revoked.

(doorbell ringing)

(sighs)

(door squeaks open)

Afternoon, gentlemen.

I've got a package for you.

And as per Turbo Package's guarantee,

it is here on time,

delivered by certified personnel.

Having a nice Father's Day?

Oh, yeah.

Great. Great.

And don't forget. Turbo Package...

Let's see what we got here.

It's Pimp Killer: Melbourne. Awesome!

What?! That's pretty cool, huh?

You guys got the game when no else

could get their hands on it.

"For my boys."

BRANDON: Oh, my God.

Dad somehow got us the game.

ROBBY: Yeah.

So what if he blew the call?

Wow. He really came through for us.

So what is it you wanted to get off your chest, Ron?

Nothing.

It's not important.

(tires screeching on TV)

(imitates explosion) What's up?

You guys enjoying the game? Yeah.

(siren wailing on TV) I thought it was just an expression.

You really can put a pimp on the barbie.

(sizzling) MAN: Crikey, that burns!

See? So, you know,

you guys might not feel like you know your dad,

but sure looks like he knows you pretty well.

Weird how our dad knew we wanted it.

He's a little too out of the loop

to know something like that.

What? What? Are you kidding me?

No, this game is huge in prison.

They probably based half these characters

on your dad's block mates.

Right. So, uh, listen, I was wondering

if maybe I could try out my speech on you,

just to iron out some of the wrinkles

for when he actually does call?

Sure.

So, I'd start out by saying

we made it from Jersey to the investment house.

Robby got us into a little trouble

with a rodeo clown in Oklahoma.

Right. But we're out here now,

and found a pretty nice guy to help us out.

School's not too bad, and...

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait, wait, wait. Back up.

What was that? What was the last part?

I'm just running through this to get a sense of the timing.

Yeah, the part right before school.

What-what was that about a nice guy?

I might be cutting that.

Really?

Felt kind of forced.

Mm-hmm.

Damn it.

Dingo ate my prostitute.

Hey, where's Robby?

(grunts)