Original subtitles

Ah, shoot.

I was going to go outside this weekend.

Maybe the weather's better on channel seven.

Hey, Alison.

Okay, here's your book report.

It's a guaranteed "A."

Thank you.

Oh, I totally forgot to do mine.

And I can't afford to get another "F."

No problem.

Now we'll both get "C's."

* Yes, no, maybe

* I don't know

* Can you repeat the question?

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* And you're not so big

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* And you're not so big

* Life is unfair.

(tires screeching, car door opening)

Malcolm! Briefcase!

Dewey! Work pants! Ready.

Reese! Vest!

Mom's baby doctor won't let her come home for a few weeks,

and since she's not working, Dad had to get a second job.

It's really crazy.

(muttering)

But mostly, it's just funny.

I have hired a new baby-sitter for you boys.

She should be here any minute.

What?! What do we need a baby-sitter for?

Because I want to house to be where I left it.

(doorbell chimes) There she is.

Jessica? Hi. (grunts)

Hi, Reese. Hi, Malcolm.

You know each other?

She's in my class, Dad.

She's a year younger than me.

I'll be darned.

No way is she baby-sitting.

She's younger than me.

She's older than me.

Shut up, Dewey.

Look, kids, I'm sorry for the mix-up,

but today is my first day, and I can't be late.

So we're just going to have to pull together

and make the best of it.

It's going to be a little embarrassing,

I'll grant you that,

but ten years from now you'll look back and laugh.

In college, I had a poli-sci teacher who was

(car engine starting) worst dresser in the world.

Why, he was always taking so much time to get ready...

(car driving away)

Wow, this is weird.

So, you go set the table, and you two wash up for dinner.

ALL: Okay.

Excuse me. This is so exciting.

Oh, look, a light.

And-and what are these marvelous things?

C clamps. The C clamp!

Oh, Otto, it's like a dream.

Oh, Francis, what a brilliant idea,

opening our doors to the film industry.

It was no big deal.

When Patrick said he wanted to direct a movie here,

all I said was, "Sure."

It's not like it's a big budget movie or anything.

Don't belittle yourself, Francis.

They will tell their friends at the Brown Derby.

Soon, bigger movies will come.

And one day I will be fluffing the pillow

of Mr. Rutger Hauer.

(gasps) (chuckles)

Excuse me.

Are you an actress? Guilty.

I knew it. I've seen you in something.

I know I have. What was it?

Dirty Girls Down Under.

Yes!

No.

That's the one I always get.

I won a Bootie Award for the Best Girl-On-Girl scene.

This is it?

No!

(claps marker)

Oh, Otto!

No.

No, no, no, no.

MAN: All right, listen up.

I want you guys to meet Hal.

Hi. Hey.

Hi, guys.

These are the idiots.

They're totally useless.

I'm serious. Whatever they do,

you do the opposite.

I don't know what that was about,

but I'm looking forward to working with you guys.

I'm sure you can teach me a lot.

Can you help me?

Oh, sure, ma'am.

Is this a clock radio or just a radio?

Oh, uh, uh, it's a clock radio.

It's also a CD player.

Oh, thank you.

You're welcome.

Did you see that?

Did either of you idiots see that?

This guy's been on the job two minutes, already he's done

more than the two of you jackasses put together.

I-I just read the sign.

Either of you chowder heads ever bother to read a sign?

No, unlike you shiftless losers,

this is a man who's going to get me

out of the hellhole of assistant night manager!

Thank you.

So you guys have a softball team?

I don't understand what relative density is.

It's the weight of an object compared to the weight

of an equal volume of water.

Oh, neat.

Reese, you have the next bath after Dewey.

Two more minutes, Dewey.

DEWEY: Okay.

You can't make me take a bath.

I'll go outside and roll in the mud,

and I'll go to bed that way.

Come on, be a big boy.

I'll take the tugboat, and you can have the ducky.

You think this is funny?

It's kind of funny.

Reese, I'll make you a deal.

Help me with the dishes, and I won't make you take a bath.

You can't make me do anything!

Boy, Alison was right about your temper.

What are you talking about?

Oh, she was kind of saying that you were...

You know what? Never mind.

Is she mad at me?

I wouldn't say mad.

What'd she say?

I probably shouldn't.

No, no, no, you have to.

Give me that.

Well, it wasn't really what she said.

It was more the w she said it.

Oh, that's baked on. You'll need some cleanser for that.

Oh, okay.

Go on.

Okay, Reese is easy, but she's good.

Otto... Ooh, Francis.

There's a problem with this film.

We heard about the actors that didn't show up,

but don't worry.

They gave the part to Gretchen.

What?! No!

It's not a big part.

I just walk in und say,

"Looks like we're going to need more towels."

Und then I walk out.

Do you have any idea what kind of a movie this is?

So it's an independent film.

If the Sundance Film Festival has taught us anything,

it is that the low budget film can compete with the big boys.

But this... It doesn't matter

what kind of movie it is.

It makes me feel so-so good, you know?

I guess, like any little girl,

I had dreams, ja,

but they said I wasn't pretty enough,

and they said I wasn't smart enough.

Your mother was a jealous cow.

Thank you, Francis.

I owe it all to you.

Dad doesn't have time to find us a new baby-sitter,

so we're stuck with Jessica, which is fine with me.

I don't plan on spending any time here anyway.

Dewey, what are you eating?

Carrot sticks.

Jessica says we have to eat healthier.

I don't what company makes this stuff, but I hate it.

Reese? Don't step on the floor.

Jessica said if I scrubbed the floor,

she'd tell me how far Alison's willing to go with me.

JESSICA: Oh, hi, Malcolm.

Listen, I need you to make a salad and set the table.

Oh, that's interesting.

I need you to do it yourself

because I'm going to a movie.

On a school night?

You really think Hal would want you to?

Well, he's not here,

so if I want to go to a movie, I'll go to a movie.

You know, Malcolm, I think Hal looks to you...

Stop calling him Hal.

Look, don't think you can control me

the way you can these two.

What are you talking about?

I'm not saying you don't have some skills.

They're just wasted on me.

I'm smarter than you.

Smarter how?

My brain just works differently, okay?

I can see what you're doing and what you're planning at the same time.

So what, you have, like, two brains?

Of course not!

Nobody has two brains.

Look, do you know how multitasking works

on a computer?

Here, I'll draw you a diagram.

Let's say this circle is your conscious mind

during a normal conversation.

This intersecting circle represents another track.

Not opposed to the first...

Wait, wait, wait. Slow down.

For lack of a better term, we'll call this track subtext.

Now, with my brain,

there can be four tracks going at one time,

plus one supervisor track that keeps them all in line,

unless you're talking about...

Hey, guys.

So, when you're not at work, what do you do for fun?

Nothing.

Yeah, me, too. Word.

(clears throat)

I hold in my hand two tickets to Ozzfest.

They go to our tops salesman of the month.

Hal!

What? Oh, man.

You guys are pathetic.

He beat you in one day.

I just got lucky.

Hey, you know what? I really can't use these.

If you guys want to go... Oh, no,

I gave those tickets to you.

They're nontransferable.

We can't reward these idiots

for standing around doing nothing!

Randy, let me...

Randy, I'm not trying to tell you how to do your job,

but sometimes a little...

(kissing noises)

Are-are-are they doing that at me?

You know what that sound is?

That's the sound of success.

And sometimes my thoughts are,

like, three-dimensional.

I can almost reach out and touch them.

Or they could just be pure logic, like...

Malcolm, it's getting late.

Is it?

Oh, man, the movie was over an hour ago.

Huh.

Well, anyway, I'm glad to know

how much smarter you are than me.

Okay, Jessica has taken over the house,

and we need to get it back.

She can't get away with this.

Once she finishes laying out our clothes for tomorrow,

she's dead meat.

No more early bedtimes,

and no more being a Clean Plate Ranger.

Then we're agreed...

it ends now.

You know, I really am tired.

Me, too. 8:00 is pretty late.

And I'm really much better at making someone dead meat

after I've had a good night's sleep.

But tomorrow...

She's going down.

No question.

(nervously): Did everyone brush our teeth?

Excuse me, Patrick?

Can I talk to you about Gretchen?

I love Gretchen.

She's just like my mom,

except she's not a 60-year-old stripper.

Look, I didn't know when I booked your company

that you made... porn.

My problem is Gretchen

really has her heart set on doing this, and...

I don't want to call the police.

Oh, I get it.

So, what's your pleasure-- Debbie or Lance?

No! No, that's not what I'm talking about.

I just have a little rewrite.

Rewrite?

Let me explain something to you--

these people are not actors.

You can't just change the words on them at the last second.

Just look it over. It's only a little different.

Uh, Sicilian volcano, four letters.

Etna.

A-T...

E-T-N-A.

We haven't managed to get rid of Jessica yet,

but we've been putting the screws to her pretty good.

It's just a question of time.

Your tea.

Thank you, Malcolm.

Isn't he sweet?

All right, boys, bedtime!

No way!

No, I want to stay up and do more sew...

Oh, my God!

Boys. They're overtired.

(whispers): Excuse me.

All right. Get your butts in your bed right now,

or I'll tell everyone you know...

that you walk around in your mother's shoes.

But that's a secret!

And I'll tell Alison

you spent an hour on the phone with Cindy Reid.

Oh, now it's a crime to be a good listener?

And a certain boy genius takes Pro-Gro Bodybuilding Supplement.

I do not.

"Bulk up now, watch the ladies say wow."

No one will believe you.

Maybe not. We'll just leave it to the tough,

but always fair, court of high school public opinion.

For the love of God,

it's 7:30.

We're supposed to be tougher than her.

Well, Malcolm's supposed to be smarter than her.

I am smarter than her.

She just caught me off guard a couple of times.

I'll come up with something.

Something heinous, something brutal.

Dewey, get your footy pajamas.

I'm not wearing those.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life

trying to remember what chocolate tastes like?

(groans)

And take Professor Cuddles.

(laughter)

(sniffling)

Dewey, what are you doing up?

I'm trying to be a big boy, but... I miss my mommy.

(all cooing): Aww...

Come here, honey.

Awww...

(whispers): Okay, he's asleep.

Whose turn was it?

Yours. Truth or dare?

Truth.

What is your deepest, darkest secret?

Well...

CLERK: Attention shoppers: the store is now closed.

Please bring your purchases...

I mean, don't I seem likable to you?

I don't seem like a suck-up, do I?

Throughout our conversation here, I haven't used

any unnecessary compliments, have I?

I just want a toaster.

I haven't once said

that you have a square jaw or a beautiful voice.

Even if I think so,

I didn't say it.

Hang on a second.

Hey... hey, guys. Guys!

Hey, hey, you want to go get a beer?

I'm buying.

We kind of have plans.

Oh. Where you going?

Party. I mean, nowhere.

Nowhere interesting.

You know, just some other guys...

From work.

Hey! Well, I'm a guy from work.

Uh, why don't I follow you there?

That sounds like a lot of fun.

Yeah, okay.

(under breath): Way to go.

(clears throat)

Randy, I-I know you asked me to help you close up,

but I'm feeling a little bit ill.

You want to go to that party.

No, no, I...

Hal, look, I don't know why you care

what those guys think,

but I'm going to protect you from yourself.

I'm really not feeling well.

Hal, you need to make a choice.

Do you really want to jeopardize your job

just to make friends

with a bunch of brain-dead idiots?

Guys!

Wait up!

I won't let you do it, Hal!

(alarms blare)

(screaming)

(yelling)

(gasping)

I can't believe they're letting us watch them film.

Okay, and uh...

action!

(knock on door)

Room service.

Mmm, I really need some service.

Where do you want me to...

put it?

Anywhere you want to... put it.

Well, I want to put it here.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

And...

here.

Yeah, that's even better.

Mmm. Yeah.

Can anyone join in?!

Yeah.

That's it.

(plate clattering)

You're the best.

Looks like we're going to need more towels!

And cut.

Bravo!

(laughs)

Can we get back to work now?

I'm shooting my sister's wedding in six hours.

Sure. Thank you.

OTTO: The cinema

has a brilliant new light,

and her name is Gretchen Mannkusser.

Oh, Otto!

You were great.

Really? I don't know.

I found that whole scene was kind of stupid

and pointless.

You know what would have helped?

Some sex.

Ja, ja, ja.

(whispers): But you know these Americans--

they have lots of hang-ups, eh?

Night.

Oh, come back tomorrow.

I'll have the boys make stroganoff.

Dewey, I thought you were asleep.

You thought a lot of things.

What are you boys doing dressed?

You want to handle this?

Oh, yeah.

Where are you going?

Come back here!

I'm calling Alison!

Are you going to tell her you said she was stupid,

and you're only friends with her to borrow her clothes?

Why, you little...

Or would you rather call your parents

and tell them you're the one

who stole your grandmother's ring?

Okay, here's how it's going to work:

Reese and I are going out,

and you're gonna tell my dad

we were here the whole time.

You're gonna stay here with Dewey,

and wait on him hand and foot.

I want a sundae and then some pizza.

And then another pizza and then a pizza sundae.

Let's face it-- you had this coming.

If I were you, I'd learn something from this.

You have to realize when you're over-matched.

What are you doing?

(crying): Just get out of here.

(sobbing)

Hey, you're the one who...

Look, don't cry.

I can do whatever I want. I'm horrible.

Everybody hates me.

No, they don't.

Well, they should.

I don't know why I'm like this. I just...

(sobbing)

It's okay... it's okay.

(sobs)

(loud rock music playing)

(laughing) Hey, guys.

(laughs): Sure beats the hell

out of working, am I right?

Don't you have a family?

Hey! Who's up for a Tijuana carwash, huh?

Right here. Yeah, me, too, me, too!

I am totally up for a Tijuana car wash.

Dude, have you ever done a Tijuana car wash?

Have I ever done a Tijuana carwash?

Okay, him first.

(screams)

ALL: Car wash, car wash!

(all screaming)

(all screaming)

(cheering)

(laughter)

(cheering)

(cheering)

(cheering)

Yeah! Yeah!

That was awesome, man!

Whoo, that was hilarious!

That was hilarious.

(echoing): I can't believe you did that.

Well, you know... party guy... me.

(echoing): Can I get you a beer?

I'm good.

Everyone get out of here!

My parents are back from Maui!

(screams)

(whimpers)

(grunting)

SETH: Did they see you?

I don't think so.

What am I doing?

What the hell am I doing?

There's no reason for me to be here.

You're an idiot.

Your friends are idiots.

Everyone jammed into this playhouse is an idiot.

(laughs): You just called yourself an idiot.

I think I'm going to be sick.

I know you guys.

I used to be one of you before my family.

Now thanks to them, I know what's really important,

and it's not what you think of me,

it's what they think of me.

Thank God for my wife.

Thank God for my kids.

BOY: You're welcome.

Reese?

Can I get a ride home with you?

I used to think I was so smart.

But I'm just selfish.

Here.

Drink this.

Thank you.

I'll tell you one thing--

you made me take a good, hard look at myself,

and I don't like what I see.

Look, you're not a bad person.

I didn't mean to put you through this.

I was just trying to... HAL: We're back!

Dad, Reese, what are you...?

What time is it?

Listen, Jessica, you've been a big help,

but tonight's going to be your last night.

I don't have that job anymore-- sorry.

It's okay.

It was a lot of fun.

They're good kids.

Bye.

Wh... All right,

the two of you-- get to bed.

Dude, you missed an awesome party.

Wait, she didn't...

I'm smarter than...

She...

Okay, I'm just going to call it a tie and go to bed.