Original subtitles

show with our very special guest star, Connie Stevens, and from Sesame Street,

Ernie and Bert.

Hey, that Godzilla is so dumb, he just heard that we're running short of water,

so he wants us to dilute it.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, and welcome to the Muppet Show. Hey, our

special guest star is the beautiful and vivacious Miss Connie Stevens.

So we're going to have a great show for you tonight, and matter of fact, right

now I'd like you to meet another friend of mine.

Her name is Lydia. Hit it.

Lydia, oh Lydia, say have you met Lydia? Lydia the tattooed lady.

She has eyes that folks adore.

So and a torso even more.

So Lydia, oh Lydia, that encyclopedia. Oh Lydia the queen of tattoo.

Beside it, the wreck of the Hesperus II.

And proudly above waves the red, white, and blue.

You can learn a lot from Lydia.

She can give

you a view of the world in tattoo if you step up and tell her where. For a dime,

you can see Kankakee or Paris.

for Washington crossing the Delaware.

Lydia,

oh Lydia, say have you met Lydia, oh Lydia.

Lydia, oh, Lydia, the champ of them all.

She once swept an admiral clear off his feet.

The ships on her hips made his heart skip a beat. And now the old boy's in

command of the fleet.

For he went and married Lydia.

Have you met Lydia?

No. Have you met my left fist?

I love it. I love it. Of course he loves it.

He's the kind of guy who plants poison ivy.

Hilda, Hilda, could I ask a great big favor? Oh, Guns, I'm very busy right

emotionally mature enough to move up to a raggedy end?

Gonzo, I categorically absolutely refuse to repair that teddy bear.

Can I take that to mean maybe?

Oh, come on, Hilda, what do you say, huh? I say that bear is the worst thing

have ever seen in this theater.

Why not get rid of him?

Hilda!

The bear is the worst thing she's ever seen in this theater?

My whole life is flashing before my eyes.

This is

an

ultimatum.

No doubt.

That's funny. He's not on stage either.

Wanda, no one is on stage.

You mean... Yes, this is our chance.

We must grasp it. But this is supposed to be the place for the Connie Stevens

spot. Oh, we'll cut the Connie Stevens spot.

Who leaves the Connie Stevens spot? Who cares about the Connie Stevens spot?

Wait for the Connie Stevens fight.

Well, I thought Kermit was going to introduce me.

And indeed he shall.

Hi, Kermit. Hi, Connie. Wow.

Hey, listen, gang. I'd like to introduce that indefatigable blonde bungle of

beauty and talent, Miss Connie Stevens.

Wow. And that was only your backstage introduction.

When you sing your song, I'm going to pull out all the stops.

Oh, thanks, Kermit. You're so kind.

Oh, it was my pleasure. Aunt Sally, I've been looking at this number you're

going to do, and I don't remember ever hearing it before.

Yeah, well, when I get done with it, you may never hear it again.

I think it was a big hit back in the 50s. And I would like to dedicate this

my old boyfriend, Jimmy McAfee.

He used to sing this to me in his hot rod back in 1956.

Your first love, huh?

Yeah. Sure was a beautiful car.

I met Jimmy McAfee. Oh, yeah, Jimmy McAfee.

Kermit Boyd, I love him.

He had this long, thick, greasy hair, you know? And he used to wear this big

leather jacket.

And you know something? If we had saved Jimmy's hair, we wouldn't have any oil

shortage today.

I can't wait to hear the song. And like I told you earlier, we got a group to

back you up.

Fantastic.

Is that the group?

Yep, you called it.

Well, they aren't the Temptations.

No, those are the Mutations.

Delightful. Yeah. Well, I tell you what, I'm going to go out there and give you

a big 1950s disc jockey style introduction, okay?

Okay. Woo!

This is Kermit the Frog, your favorite jock with all the top tunes of the day

spinning merrily out your way, stacks and stacks of wax and wax, and this is a

golden oldie, a blast from the past, a fabulous Kenny Stevens and the Mutations

with a platter that mattered way back in 1956.

Let's look on Teenager in Love!

being a teenager in love. Yeah, but Queen Victoria wouldn't have you.

Kermit, don't tell me you don't like him either.

Well, what's to like, Gonzo? That bear is the worst. I say let's get rid of

okay? But he's a nice bear.

Come on, I don't care if he is moldy looking. I like him.

Did you hear?

Only Gonzo likes me.

And he thinks I'm moldy.

to class this place up.

How do you mean?

We're making the rats wear neckties.

Three dip. One, two, three dip.

One, two, three dip!

One, two, three dip!

This is not a box truck.

It is to me.

No one to talk with.

No one to walk with but I might be on the show.

Amidst behaving, saving my love for you.

I know for certain, though I love,

I'm through with words and it's just you I'm dreaming of.

Amidst behaving, saving my love.

Like Jack Horner in a corner.

Don't go nowhere.

What do I care?

Your kisses I was waiting for.

Believe me.

I don't stay out late.

Don't let her go.

I'm home about 8 a .m. on my radio.

Serving my love for you

I

don't stay out late Don't care to go

I'm home about eight, just me and my radio.

Ain't misbehavin', savin' my love for you.

Uh,

honey, at last, um... We're alone.

You know something?

I think it's terrific being with you.

Hmm. Well... Hmm.

Why do...

that you were born the angels got together and decided to create a dream

true

Just like me, they long to be close

to you.

I'd like to get close to Connie Stevens, but I'm too close to something else.

Now, what's that?

90.

Now that I know what people think of me here, I'm leaving the show.

Hi, guys.

Say, I'm curious.

What do you think of him?

Listen, they're talking about me. Well, I will not listen.

What do I think of the bear?

Well, he's funny.

No, no, really. Every time I look at him, he makes me want to laugh and

I think he's just great.

Oh, I'm glad you like him, too.

Kermit thinks it's a disgrace to have him around and says we ought to get a

one. Well, that'd be nice, too.

The bear can barely bear it, folks.

Okay, Zoot, it's time for your solo. Have you looked over the music?

You expect me to play this, man?

What else would you do with it?

If I had a match, I could put it out of its misery.

Trust me, Zoot, this is a great little number.

What if I refuse to play it?

What if I get a new sax player?

What if you and I just get right down to it and do this little beauty?

Good thought.

Forgive me, Charlie Parker, wherever...

For amazement and confusion, the Muppet Show's resident weird person, Gonzo the

Great, will grow a tomato plant whilst playing the 1812 overture on the violin.

This is the tomato plant, and I am the Gonzo.

The fact may not last long.

In fact, it's over.

going to be tied up for a while.

Goodbye, Mr. Frog.

Where are you going?

Oh, I've been hearing what they've been saying about the old bear here, so I'm

going home. I'm leaving the show business.

If the bear goes, I go.

Gonzo, I never realized.

Oh, what loyalty.

Okay, the ball is in your court, Frog.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Hold it. Hold it.

Listen, Foddy, when you heard people saying they didn't want the bear around

here, they were referring to Gonzo's teddy bear, not to you.

Teddy bear?

You mean, did you really want me to stay on the show?

Of course I want you to stay on the show. You're a star.

You're a legend in your own time.

Am I laying it on a little too thick?

I don't know what to say, except that if you, the frog, want me, the bear, to

stay, then I just have to have a raise.

Oh, and we need a bigger dressing room and a limousine.

Will you get out of here, Father?

Thank you, sir. Thank you. Thank you.

Yeah, well, like I was saying, if the bear goes, the gonzo goes. Okay, okay.

can stay. The teddy bear can stay. Both bears can stay. The gonzo can stay.

Sometimes the crown weighs rather heavy on this little froggy.

Here's a Muppet News flash.

And now to Washington, D .C. for a direct call on our...

So now it's time to present two old friends of ours, all the way from Sesame

Street. Here they are now, the two and only Ernie and Bert.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Gee, it's really great to be here. Right, Bert?

Eh, I guess so.

Well, what's wrong, Bert?

Well, I mean, I feel funny being here. This is a big TV variety show, you know.

I guess so.

Well, I'm no performer.

Oh, Bert, a suave, sophisticated showman like you, Bert?

Oh, sure, sure. You see, I know you. You're going to keep on saying I'm suave

and sophisticated, and then when I start to believe it, then you're going to say

how pointy head I have and how floppy arms I have and how dull I am. I know

Oh, Bert, Bert. What? Now, you must admit, though, Bert, that the head up

is a little bit pointy, Bert.

And you must admit that the arms are a little bit floppy and doggy, Bert. See

that? Mm -hmm, mm -hmm, mm -hmm. And, Bert? What? Bert?

The nose is still loose, Bert.

Now, cut that out.

Oh, I'm sorry, Bert. Here.

There we go, Bert.

Yeah, see what I mean? I mean, that old loose nose joke is funny on Sesame

Street, but this is big time, Ernie.

I mean, they're expecting an act or something. Hey, Bert, wait a minute.

You can do an act.

All you need are the clothes, Bert.

I know, clothes.

Come here, Bert. Step right over here. No, no, right over here, Bert. I don't

know what you have in mind.

And here he is now, that suave, sophisticated showman, my old buddy,

Well, Bert, what do you say?

Some enchanted evening.

Beg pardon, Bert? You may see a stranger.

What's going on here?

You may see a stranger.

can explain it? Who can tell you why?

Fools give you reasons why.

Once you have found her, never let her go.

Once you have found her.

Did I just make a complete fool of myself?

Absolutely, Bert.

Take me home.

I feel terrible.

Well,

Connie, we sure want to thank you for being with us on the show tonight.

Well, thank you, Kermit. I had a ball.

Oh, listen. Hey, we'd also like to present you with a little gift that we

to all our guest stars on the show, a Muppet -likeness of yourself.

Uh, hiya, Connie.

Do you think there's room for two of us in this business?

Well, can you sing and dance? Uh, no.

Well, then there's plenty of room.

Thanks a lot, Carmen. This is a lovely surprise. I would like it so much.

Oh, no.

Whoa!

It's a crazy great Gonzo tomato plant.

Hey, make sure Connie's okay and tell Gonzo that either the plant goes or he

goes. You lose more guts that way.

Hang out, take care of yourselves, and we'll see you next time on The Muppet

Show.

Do you think this show is educational?

Yes, it'll drive people to read books.