Original subtitles

Hi, I'm Brian Henson.

This episode of The Muppet Show, starring Liza Minnelli, is from the

season of the series.

And by that time, they were getting real experimental with the format.

This episode is a full -fledged murder mystery.

Are you Kermit the Private Eye?

Just like it says on the door, sweetheart.

Oh, good.

Liza is one of those incredible professional performers. And while

episode, she would shoot all day long with the Muppets. And then at night, she

rushed down to Covent Garden in London, where she was performing a series of

concerts. Talk about

a trooper.

Hey, you seem to know a lot about these people, kid. Do you know which one is

the killer? I sure do.

You do? Why, who?

The murderer is...

Here's The Muppet Show starring Liza Minnelli. See if you can figure out who

done it.

Liza Minnelli, 15 seconds to curtain, Liza.

Oh, thank you, Scooter.

Scooter, that was a great rehearsal.

You think so? Yeah, let's do the show. Oh.

It's the Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Liza Mundell.

Run for your lives. This show is murder.

That's my new hit single.

To The Muppet Show. Our guest star tonight is one of the few ladies on

deserve the title Superstar Miss Liza Minnelli.

And on top of that, we're going to do a very different show tonight.

Matter of fact, it's so different, I have to go backstage and get ready for

Scooter, would you come in and take over for me?

Scooter, would you stop rehearsing? It's time to start the play.

Oh, sorry, Chief.

Ladies and gentlemen, The Muppet players hereby present an evening of intrigue

and mystery. Let the murders begin.

There was a Wednesday evening in July.

Somewhere in the city, a lonely trumpet was playing.

It was a kind of a New York summer night when you expect to see lily pads

growing on Broadway.

I was just stopping by the office for a quick root beer and browse through the

paperwork because I had just finished a missing Poliwag case.

Being a private eye isn't much of a job if you like class, which is why my

visitor surprised me.

Come in.

Excuse me, but are you Kermit the Private Eye?

Just like it says on the door, sweetheart.

Oh, good.

Oh, I'm Liza O'Shaughnessy, the actress.

Perhaps you've heard of me.

I know the face from the papers and the name from the marquee, toots.

Opening a show at the Roxy tomorrow, right? Yes.

No, that's just it. I don't know.

Oh, you have no idea. You have no idea what a living nightmare I've been

through. The dread, the terror.

Try to relax, cute stuff.

Sit down and tell me about it.

Okay.

Well, I got to my dressing room this morning, and I found this note.

Close down the show.

If you try to open, you will all die.

Where'd you find it? Oh, it was ghastly. It was pinned to my dresser.

So? What's so ghastly?

Well, it was pinned with this, and my dresser's name was Gladys.

It is all starting to get ghastly.

But don't worry, sweet lips. I can handle it.

Oh, I'm sure you can, Mr. Frog.

I place myself entirely in your... in your flippers.

The Majestic Theater looked

like any theater the day before opening.

While Liza went to change for rehearsal, I just hung around backstage, trying

not to be conspicuous.

Quiet!

Who let that frog in here?

Okay. Let in the white drapes.

We're going to rehearse the first act finale Liza's number.

Miss O'Shaughnessy's not quite ready yet, Fritz. Okay.

We'll do it with the understudy then.

through some dumb rehearsal.

You promised me I would star in this turkey.

Let me get this straight. She is Liza O'Shaughnessy's understudy? Oh, they're

not exactly the same type.

They're not exactly the same species.

Oh, excuse me, Miss, uh, uh, dear.

Fritz, darling, I'm ready for rehearsal.

Oh, good. Now, remember, this is your...

Big moment. Here, I want the spark. The moment of magic, the raw, unbridled

passion. You know what I want?

Yeah. Smile and show my legs.

There goes a pro.

Her name was Lola.

She was a showgirl with yellow feathers in her hair

and a dress cut down to there.

She would merengue and do the cha -cha.

And while she tried to be a star, Tony always tended bar across

the crowded floor. They worked from eight to four.

They were young and they had each other.

Who could have asked for more?

Her name was Lola.

She was a showgirl with yellow feathers in her hair and a dress cut down to

bare. She would go bangay and do the cha -cha. And while she tried to be a star.

Tony always tended barb across the crowded floor. They worked from 8 to 4.

They were young and they had each other. Booger asked for more. Have to go for,

go for Cabana.

The hottest spot, no more Cabana here.

His name was Rico.

He wore a diamond.

He was escorted to his chair. He saw Lola dancing there. And when she

he called her over.

But Rico went a bit too far.

Tony sailed across the bar. And then the punches blew. And chairs were smashed

in two.

lost her love.

and brings herself half -blind. She lost her youth and she lost her Tony. Now

she's lost her mind.

Oh,

I'm so glad you liked it.

Oh, you're too good to be a person. You should have been a saxophone.

Does that mean that I'm your... sax symbol?

Whatever.

A wonderful rehearsal.

Oh, a wonderful Miss O'Shaughnessy.

Okay, everybody.

Take three.

Take three? I bet you run a tight ship.

I'm afraid he's...

He's

dead.

Like now the show will never go on.

What are you people saying?

Fritz was a man of the theater. He died trying to turn the grease paint and

pencil into magic.

Why, this show can be his final tribute.

Fritz would have wanted it this way.

When you're down and out, lift up your head and shout, there's gonna be a great

day. Come on on stage, everybody.

Oh, don't step on Prince.

Angels in the sky, farmers that buy and buy, there's gonna be a great day.

Stan's so people.

A murder is committed and they all go out and sing.

And to make things worse, the police assigned Patrolman Bear to the case.

Patrolman Bear reporting for duty, sir.

I thought you were on slug detail at the laundromat.

Sir, I am going to ask these people some questions.

Okay, just be subtle.

Gotcha.

All right.

Which one of you killed the director?

Not me.

Well, they're all in the clear, sir.

What do you mean?

Miss Piggy hated him because he made her the understudy. She thought she should

have been the star.

The band hated him because they hadn't been paid for three weeks.

Hey, you seem to know a lot about these people, kid. Do you know which one is

the killer? I sure do.

You do? Who?

The murderer is...

The murderer is in that dressing room.

All I saw was a hand throw a knife.

It was awful.

Well, that may be just the clue we need, sweetheart.

I'm going to go in there and catch us a murderer.

Oh, Kermit. Hmm?

many times before in my line of work, whenever I enter a darkened room, I

get chilled.

And a few contusions.

And it's not only the darkness that's scary.

There's that weird music they always play.

There's one thing about darkness.

Although I can't see my enemy, my enemy can't see me.

Unless he's got a flashlight.

Like, wow, is there really any point in rehearsing this?

Oh, come on, Mama. You know what they say. The show must go on.

Go what? Go what?

Yeah, but it's real hard to go on if we're all dead.

Dead! Dead!

Oh, please. I'd rather rehearse and listen to that.

Good. Here's the singing group. Let's run this little beauty.

Okay. Hit it, animal.

Your temper's getting the top hand. All you gotta do is just stop and pass that

peace button, bury that hatchet. Like jock -toys, chicken -sauce, Chattanooga,

Chippewas. Do.

And if you're feeling mad as a wet hen, mad as you can possibly get, then pass

that peace button, bury that tomahawk. Like those Chichimex, Cherokees,

specs. Do.

Don't be cranky.

Try to use a little restraint.

Hold that hanky. And wipe off all of that war paint.

And if you find yourself in a fury, be your own judge and your own jury. Pass

that piece, pop and bury that hatchet like the Choctaws, Chickasaws,

Chattahoochies, Chippewas do.

Even in colonial days, you knew the ceremonial ways to pass that piece, pop

bury that tomahawk like those Chicootamies, Chippa -Chucks and

Pull your ears in, try to use a little control.

When all clears in, you'll be top man on the totem pole. So if you want to be an

all right guy, not a long -faced, losing -the -night guy, write that apology and

dispatch it. When you quarrel, it's grand to patch it. That's that beast,

bury that hatchet like the chocolate chicken sauce.

You're mine.

Mine. Mine.

Kermit. Kermit.

Oh, Kermit. Oh, poor fallen frog. Speak to me. Say something.

Is that your Miss O'Shaughnessy?

Oh, Kermit. Thank goodness you're all right.

Oh, you scared me to death. Come over here.

For a minute, I thought you'd croaked. Well, I tried to, but I was too weak.

No, somebody slugged me.

They did?

Mm -hmm.

Oh, they did indeed. My goodness, you've got a nasty bump back here. Let me rub

it. Huh?

Does it hurt?

Just when you rub it. Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, Liza, you know, I'm not getting anywhere with your case. Maybe you

get somebody else.

Wait a minute. What are you talking about, Kermit? I don't want... anybody

I want you. You're my main frog.

Yeah, but I thought I'd have it solved by now. I thought I'd be a big hero and

there'd be triumphant celebration and all. Hold it. Wait a minute.

Listen to me.

I want to tell you something. When you solve this case and you're going to

it, you'll be so happy you won't need any celebration.

You won't need anything.

No, no.

Come here and listen.

When it all comes true Just

the way you've planned It's funny But the bells

don't ring It's a quiet thing

When you hold

You'd think you'd hear a choir sing.

It's a quiet thing.

There are no exploding fireworks.

Where's the roaring of the crowd?

Maybe it's the strange new...

The clouds.

What? I don't hear the drums.

And I don't hear the band.

I know. The sounds you're told.

Such moments bring.

Happiness comes in.

What do you know?

Well, what do you know?

It's a quiet thing.

It's a quiet thing.

A very quiet

thing.

Nobody listens to lyrics anymore.

Meanwhile, down in the canteen... All right, do you have an alibi?

I have a halibut.

No, no, an alibi. You know, somebody who can say where you were.

Yeah, a halibut. You had ridden me all day.

Ah, poison!

This man was murdered to shut him up. No, he wasn't. He choked on a fish bone.

But he yelled, poison!

Which, I believe, is the French word for fish.

Wait,

it must be the food.

No, no, no, it's the good soup.

Okay. What? Now, you got the plan?

Yes, I've got the plan.

But, Kermit, how can you be certain this is going to work?

You've got to trust me, kid.

Now, you know what to do? Of course, smile and show my legs.

No, no, no, that was the other guy.

Oh, yeah, right, right.

Yes, trust me, I know what to do. Okay, okay, here we go.

You just take a seat over there.

Uh, boys and girls, ladies and gentlemen.

Kermit!

Fozzie, Fozzie, don't worry, just sit down. All will be revealed.

Yes, sir.

Now, you may be wondering why I've called you all together.

Well, the fact is Miss O'Shaughnessy has discovered the identity of the

murderer.

Yes, it's true.

It's a secret, though I haven't even told Kermit.

I know who committed these dastardly, cold -blooded, heinous crimes, these

murders.

I hereby accuse...

Curtain has fallen.

I've played my last role.

Good night, sweet prince.

Hello, death.

Somebody call a doctor!

Too late, green buddy.

Give my regards to Broadway.

Remember me, too.

Harold Square?

Now forget him. Harold's really square.

Bye -bye.

Oh, no! Not Liza!

We love Liza! No, we didn't mean to bump her off!

No, just the rest of you guys.

I knew it.

Scratch a critic and you get an assassin.

Then your death scene was a trick?

Well, after all, darling, I mean, I am an actress.

Bravo! Bravo!

Yeah, best performance we've seen on this show in years.

Okay, Fonzie, take him away.

Yes, sir. All right, here we go. Let's run a book at him. Okay, sir.

Congratulations, you did it. Well, we did it.

Yeah. And I guess that's the end.

Oh, no, Kermit. That's not the end.

This is the end.

Take a bop!

Just you wait.

That lucky star.

like to say what an honor it's been for this little green frog to work with miss

Liza Minnelli oh

thank you so much I can't tell you what a thrill it's been being on your show

tonight oh that's nice and you know something else I've always wanted to do

you know like a murder mystery like we did oh by the way can I keep this uh

trick knife as a souvenir a trick knife yes it's only a prop see

20 years. If I'd known that judge was giving us the box, I'd have asked for

chair.