Original subtitles

I joined the army yesterday, so the army of today's all right.

Boom, boom, boom.

What hope has?

Waiting for Miss Wright?

God forbid.

Miss Wrong's much more fun.

Actually, I'm waiting for the postman.

Oh, he comes in a van these days. Got sick of Diana ambushing him.

Expecting something, are you? A word from Cubby Cabbage.

Who? The fellow that makes the Bond films.

Broccoli. Pleasure.

I told him I'm available for Bond, and he's getting back to me.

Good idea. We should be back in pictures.

I'm sure they miss us.

I know they do.

Arnold Schwarzen... Well,

you know how he is. He rang me the other day.

What did he want?

He's doing another film.

He's playing the Archbishop of Canterbury.

Great casting.

Yes. He wondered if I knew Arch personally.

Oh, thank goodness for idiotic Jewish.

Keeps us safe.

Yes.

How is Diana?

She's going to be a nice surprise when she wakes up. I've cleaned the flat to

within an inch of his life.

You mad, impetuous fool, you.

been tidying up again.

He saw your behaviour and struck you down.

Why do you always want to do something you know will upset me? Because I enjoy

it. How can you?

I'm a domestic anarchist.

Cobblers.

Oh, I'm sorry, Tom. I think it probably stems from my childhood.

See, my father was a... Well, he was a useless so -and -so.

He used to go out whoring and boozing and then he'd come home and clean the

house in a fit of frenzied guilt.

a clean house, I feel sort of, well, tormented and driven to muck it all up.

You've never told me that before.

No, no, I suppose I wouldn't have done, seeing as I've just made it up.

So, you mess it up just to upset me? Yes, pure unjustified

malevolence. I enjoy upsetting people.

Oh, well, if you enjoyed.

I shall just have to accept it.

What? Well, I'm fond of you.

You want to enjoy yourself. I shall just have to accept your figurine.

You can't do that.

That ruins it.

I want to upset people, not give them pleasure through tolerating me.

Sorry. Right, right. That is positively the last time that I chuck rubbish round

this place.

Oh, surely not. I'll show you. I'm so upset.

Now, if you'll excuse me, it is Wednesday, and I have a long way to

Just win that argument.

Hello?

Oh, not today.

Hello?

Anyone in?

What? Anyone in?

No.

Shall I come back later?

Like when?

When someone's here.

Yes, that's a good idea, Geoffrey. Why not come back later when one of us is

OK. Bye.

Bye, Geoffrey.

Teetering on the brink of reason.

One breath of wind, one tiny nudge, and we will all topple into the dark,

screaming chasms of chaos and confusion.

Hello! And here we go.

was here.

Yes, well, Geoffrey, like his father, is a couple of putters short of the full

golf bag.

What is it you want, Jane?

I wanted to speak to Tom. What about?

You try dragging your backside up Everest every Thursday.

Excuse me.

Oh, yes.

Jane wanted to speak to you privately.

Probably wants to make you into her love slave.

I shall be outside beating up the sparrows.

Yes, Jane? I have an urgent request from Harvey.

I'm not going to be his love slave.

How would you like to do something?

Prato Portuguese, eh? No speak French.

What are you doing?

No speak English.

What's going on?

Every broccoli's turned me down. I can't understand it. I could have been... The

name's Bond.

Bethelden Bond.

Shut up.

What's with all this tidying?

Not expecting some clothiered royal, are we? I'd set my heart on movie stardom.

I'd even booked a place that would make it for ginny. Basil!

Quick, we have to talk. Amazing news.

Oh, hello, Diana.

What's the palaver?

Oh, nothing, nothing at all. I just want a bit of a chat with Basil. What about?

Um, uh, the tactics for the dominoes tournament.

Come along, pal.

What is going on?

Uniform you're wearing. Look like somebody who gives diffident and

lessons.

You've got it for me. Next figures.

What for?

Um... Oh, I think I hear the phone.

What is going on?

Hiya, Granny.

Are you talking to me? I certainly am, my old darling.

Looking for old Bainsey.

Old Bainsey?

Yeah, runs his place.

Oh, no, he does not.

He is merely the figurehead. I run this place.

I'm sure you do, my lovely old ducky, and I bet you do a super job, too.

my kind of girl.

Oh, I wish you were my granny.

I think we'll probably find old Bainsey in his old officey.

What the hell is going on?

At last, at last, fame and fortune.

Fighting off the jinx. Limousines and fancy restaurants.

And fighting off the jinx.

Oscars, BAFTAs and MOFTAs. And not fighting off the jinx.

What's so funny?

Nothing, Diana.

Oh, you're looking very slinky today, Diana.

Oh! Oh, Jane.

Dear God, Jane. Come here.

Sit.

this entire place is done up like a tart's parlour.

And why those two old goats are cackling like they've got feathers up their

caipers.

And why you are done up like Betty Davis on speed.

All will be revealed, Diana.

Well, not by you, I hope.

By Harvey.

Oh, how revolting.

Hello, everybody.

Everybody happy?

Well, great news, and I'm sure you're all going to be thrilled.

We're going to be in the movies.

Hooray! Shut up!

What are you on about, you little stinkpot?

Nothing to concern you, Diana.

That's the one that need me in the goalies.

And who is that great patronising oink?

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce you to the director of the

question. It's Mr Richard Iron.

Iron Day!

No relation to Jeremy Attenborough.

What film?

Basil and Madonna, Do It In A Balloon.

Shut up, Basil. It's a commercial.

We're making a commercial here.

What for?

The living dead?

We're making a commercial for Bayview.

I mean, as you know, Bayview has been such a success, thanks to my tremendous

management skills, that the board... Currently meeting in Hawaii.

Thank you, Diana. That the board have decided to set up Bayview franchises

across the country.

Now, in order to do this, we have to persuade a few local councillors. What a

great place this is. Hence the short promo film.

Or no film.

It's a promo.

Promotional.

Forget it, Harvey.

I'm sorry?

Well, nobody around here wants to get involved in something that's going to

encourage the pred of geriatric ashtrays like these.

We all come to be stubbed out by blood -sucking, brain -dead incompetence like

your slimy little self.

Make a film to encourage you.

Oh!

Eat your socks.

Well, thank you, Diana.

Well, the following have agreed to appear in the film. Now, there's Deirdre

Oliver, Jenny Murphy,

Basil Makepeace.

Oh, and...

Tom Ballard.

if you're back in yet.

Geoffrey, what is the matter with you?

It's Marion. I don't know what to do. Oh, God, what is it now?

She's attacking anyone who comes to the door.

She says her life has no purpose, she has no fun, and I'm boring her to death.

I don't know what to do.

Have you thought of suicide?

It's not funny, Diana. It's embarrassing.

No one can come to the door.

She bit a pair of morons.

I'm a bit stressed.

The delivery people have to chuck everything from the road.

It's all right with the papers and the post, but the milk's a bit of a problem.

Is Dad around?

No, he and Basil are with a pair of brainless moles nancying around on the

croquet lawn.

They're not sacrificing goats again, are they?

No, they are making a film.

Really?

Gosh, how exciting.

I've always wanted to make a film.

Always wanted to be a director.

When I was at school, they used to call me Celia.

Cecil B. DeMille.

They got it mixed up and called me Celia B. DeMille.

That's a nice bunch of lads.

Right -o, lovies.

We'll start over here on Harvey.

We'll do a little bit to camera.

Then we'll cut to you all having a wonderful time. So I want you to really

yourselves, OK?

Super.

You may touch me, Jane.

I hit you five minutes ago.

I was younger then, Jane.

A bit of hush, please.

Turn over.

Bayview promo, take one.

And action.

Action, Bainsey.

Hi.

My name's Harvey Bain.

I'm the manager here at Bayview.

And as you can see from the people around me...

We all have a lot of fun here at Bayview.

It's fun, fun, fun all the way.

No, but it's serious as well, because it's a great responsibility

guiding these senior citizens through their autumn years

before they fall off their twigs.

Where's my script?

Cut. Don't worry, we can edit it out.

Right, set them over here for the old lovelies.

Oh, that's us.

This bloke's an awful creep.

OK,

Tommy Lovey.

And action.

Well...

I've been at Bayview quite a few years now, and on the whole, it's not a bad

place, despite being hopelessly run by the idiot Baines.

Cut it, cut it, cut it.

Just hold it. Tom, would you mind sticking to the script?

It's a wonderful place because it's so well run by the idiot Baines.

Let's go again. Action, Tom, and remember it. A wonderful place because

by me. I can't say that. I'd be struck down.

Battle, you do your bit. Oh, righty -ho.

Ready?

Yes.

Fine, you all go ahead.

Don't mind me.

I'm just the director.

Action, the terrapin.

Hi, gang.

I'm Baz the Stud Makepeace.

I have a wonderful time at Bayview because most of the chicks here are

little ravers who... Dickie, I'm so sorry.

OK, Jane.

In your own time.

And action.

Chest out, Jane.

Lick your lips.

Think hot, steamy passion.

Shut up.

Just get on with it, Jane.

Hello. I'm Jane Edwards, matron of Bayview.

And I'd like to show you round our wonderful, happy home.

Come inside.

Betty, get up, please. Thank you, thank you. And this is the dining room where

we all dine happily together.

And here is Jenny, a happy helping person.

I'm so happy working at Bayview. Oh, yes, I am.

Mr. Crock, our chef, about to serve one of his famous cordon

bleu meals.

I like Bayview.

It's a very happy place for illegal immigrants.

We never get turkey. It's just time.

And here, once again, is Harvey, our wonderful manager, eating

with the residents.

I always eat with the residents because the food is so good and it's always such

fun.

Harvey's a real man's man who needs only one thing in life and that is... The

love of a good woman.

He doesn't realise that that woman is so close to him that you could bite him.

No, no, cut, cut it, cut it, cut it.

What do you think you're doing?

Just a bit of ad -libbing.

Meryl Streep does it all the time.

Well, you're fired.

I want this woman off the lot by sunset.

No, no, no, just forget it. You'll never work in this town again.

Jenny, Jenny, Jenny, come here.

OK, it's your turn to start.

You're going to play Jane.

Now get out there and kill them.

Mr. Baines, don't you worry. I will let you down. All my life I've waited for

this break. All these years of waiting tables.

And now I'm going to make it.

I'm going to be a... Okay.

Light. Camera.

Action. The minute you walked...

in overdosing culturally this early in the evening.

Hi, it's me.

Don't stand up. No interviews, no autographs. We're just good friends.

What, ho?

No business like show business at all.

Members of the Academy, thank

you for the statuette.

Of course, I don't usually accept awards, but I want to use this platform

bring to your attention the plight of the gay Welsh Aborigines.

Don't you want to hear about the filming?

No. I've just spent two hours at the sauna.

What sauna?

And then we had to do a scene in the intensive care unit.

We don't have an intensive care unit.

No, that was Harvey's office with a few bits of dentistry equipment.

And what about the sauna?

The potting shed.

with a kettle going full blast.

Tom, this entire film is a fake.

It's show business.

How can you possibly support Harvey in this blatant bit of humbuggery? Diana,

it's my big chance.

I could be a star.

I am shocked. I am really shocked, Tom.

I've always admired you.

You may be a couple of wheels short of a full wagon train, but I've always felt

there was a basic honesty about your darkness.

But now, for the sake of a few pathetic sprats thrown to your vanity, you want

to chuck all your ideals in the bin and become one of God's great cosmic jests.

One of life's lowest forms.

You want to become an actor.

Actors are fine people.

Rubbish! They're animals. They should be kept caged north of Potter's Bar.

Let out to do their bit and then locked away again.

Then every time we picked up a paper or turned on the telly, we wouldn't have to

listen to their pig -ignorant ideas on everything from fashion to famine and

back to their boring causes and relentlessly tedious sex lives.

Not keen on them, eh?

I went out with an actor once.

The only way I could stop him talking about himself was to sit on his face.

He was still burbling on about his agent as he lost consciousness.

Diana, you do me good.

Well, I am... worried about your soul.

Well, you needn't be.

I've been pulling your leg.

What? I'm not going to go along with Harvey's con job.

You're not? Of course not.

At first I thought it might be fun, but once he started faking it all, I decided

to subvert the whole operation.

And I need your help.

Have you heard about Mario's latest problem? Oh, yes.

I wish I was dead.

But otherwise, everything's fine.

Hi, Dad.

I hear you're in the movies.

Yes, but we have a crisis, Geoffrey.

Our director is no good.

We need your great talents to help us out.

Oh, God, fantastic.

I'll just get my gear.

And there's a chance for you too, Marion.

We want you to play one of the leading parts.

I have to sleep with the director.

It's not that sort of film.

What do I need to bring?

Well, uh...

Six pack of vodka should have the right effect.

Moving.

Do you think this is totally moral, Diana?

To sacrifice one Marion to bring down a legion of potential Harveys?

Perfectly moral, Tom.

Right. Phase two.

Get Harvey and Jane off the premises.

Hi.

I'm Harvey Baines, and I'm the manager here at Bayview.

As you can see by all the people around me, well, we all have a lot of fun here

at Bayview.

Ah!

Look at that, Jane.

It's there. Can't you see it?

Do you mean the nasal hair?

I mean that indefinable something. That something that says... It says box

office. It says star quality.

Head on your nose.

What?

Yes?

Really?

No, no, I'm sure he wouldn't be remotely interested.

He is the manager of a retirement home, not an actor.

Give me that, give me that. Hello, hello, Harvey Nigel Baines here.

Who is this?

Creative Talent Agency?

You've heard about the picture?

You want me to do a screencast?

And to bring my own make -up, lady.

Yes, but isn't that a... They've gone.

Oh, Jane.

You need a little trip to London tomorrow.

That agent sounded vaguely familiar.

Just call my tailor and my hairdresser.

Oh, yes, and I'd better get my feet done.

Yes, call my pedder out.

OK.

They've gone.

Action stations.

Right, Marion.

Time to be a star.

How can I be Harvey if I'm the director?

I can direct this bit.

I'll operate the camera.

Okay, Jeffrey.

Action thingy.

Hi.

My name's Harvey Baines.

And I...

Jane Edwards.

And together we run this breakfast show.

Right,

here we are then.

So sorry, Harvey isn't here to greet you personally. But somebody has stolen the

wheels of his car.

So you'll be a bit late.

But he told me to let you see the film anyway.

Did you steal his wheels?

Clever little sod.

Phone chain.

Hello.

My name's Harvey Baines, and I run this place.

The board insists on high qualifications for these jobs, which is why I took a

crash course in accountancy while at my open prison.

Charges were later dropped.

And now I'd like you to meet Jane Edwards, our matron, who was handpicked

and the board after we'd all slept interviewed her.

Jane is one of those councilors who have gathered from all over England to see

the wonders of Bayview.

Hello.

I'm Jane Edwards, and I'm the one who keeps the production order round here.

So, come and have a look round.

This is the croquet lawn, where our residents have a lot of fun.

people about yourself, Mr. Kwok. Ah, wonderful place.

Feed only cheapest food.

Ah.

Are you escaping?

Go on, Kwoky.

You were there last week and I walked the tail for soup.

So, come to sunny Bayview and get ripped off and eat

household pets.

pounds exactly.

Oh, hi.

How was the movie? Look, I'm sorry I'm late.

I'm Harvey Baines. I was the lead in the movie, you know, the one with the firm

jaw and the roguish look in his eyes. We're reporting this place to the

Court.

What happened?

Well, I'm afraid they found you unattractive, crooked, and insincere.

Unattractive?

Don't bring us, and we won't bring you.

Well, that was fun.

Oh, it certainly was.

Reality's leaking again.