1
00:00:44,789 --> 00:00:50,970
I joined the army yesterday, so the army
of today's all right.

2
00:00:51,210 --> 00:00:52,470
Boom, boom, boom.

3
00:00:52,710 --> 00:00:53,710
What hope has?

4
00:00:54,470 --> 00:00:55,770
Waiting for Miss Wright?

5
00:00:56,010 --> 00:00:57,010
God forbid.

6
00:00:57,230 --> 00:00:58,770
Miss Wrong's much more fun.

7
00:00:59,890 --> 00:01:01,850
Actually, I'm waiting for the postman.

8
00:01:02,130 --> 00:01:06,730
Oh, he comes in a van these days. Got
sick of Diana ambushing him.

9
00:01:08,570 --> 00:01:11,730
Expecting something, are you? A word
from Cubby Cabbage.

10
00:01:12,030 --> 00:01:14,660
Who? The fellow that makes the Bond
films.

11
00:01:15,340 --> 00:01:16,560
Broccoli. Pleasure.

12
00:01:17,360 --> 00:01:21,360
I told him I'm available for Bond, and
he's getting back to me.

13
00:01:21,640 --> 00:01:24,180
Good idea. We should be back in
pictures.

14
00:01:24,520 --> 00:01:25,820
I'm sure they miss us.

15
00:01:26,200 --> 00:01:27,200
I know they do.

16
00:01:27,440 --> 00:01:30,600
Arnold Schwarzen... Well,

17
00:01:31,620 --> 00:01:33,900
you know how he is. He rang me the other
day.

18
00:01:34,120 --> 00:01:35,120
What did he want?

19
00:01:35,360 --> 00:01:37,480
He's doing another film.

20
00:01:37,900 --> 00:01:40,520
He's playing the Archbishop of
Canterbury.

21
00:01:41,080 --> 00:01:42,280
Great casting.

22
00:01:42,810 --> 00:01:46,070
Yes. He wondered if I knew Arch
personally.

23
00:01:51,990 --> 00:01:54,870
Oh, thank goodness for idiotic Jewish.

24
00:01:55,470 --> 00:01:56,670
Keeps us safe.

25
00:01:57,030 --> 00:01:58,030
Yes.

26
00:01:58,730 --> 00:01:59,870
How is Diana?

27
00:02:00,550 --> 00:02:05,150
She's going to be a nice surprise when
she wakes up. I've cleaned the flat to

28
00:02:05,150 --> 00:02:06,230
within an inch of his life.

29
00:02:06,670 --> 00:02:08,889
You mad, impetuous fool, you.

30
00:02:14,060 --> 00:02:15,340
been tidying up again.

31
00:02:56,240 --> 00:02:58,280
He saw your behaviour and struck you
down.

32
00:02:59,120 --> 00:03:03,280
Why do you always want to do something
you know will upset me? Because I enjoy

33
00:03:03,280 --> 00:03:04,800
it. How can you?

34
00:03:05,380 --> 00:03:06,840
I'm a domestic anarchist.

35
00:03:07,240 --> 00:03:08,240
Cobblers.

36
00:03:09,240 --> 00:03:14,260
Oh, I'm sorry, Tom. I think it probably
stems from my childhood.

37
00:03:14,900 --> 00:03:18,340
See, my father was a... Well, he was a
useless so -and -so.

38
00:03:18,700 --> 00:03:23,700
He used to go out whoring and boozing
and then he'd come home and clean the

39
00:03:23,700 --> 00:03:25,540
house in a fit of frenzied guilt.

40
00:03:27,280 --> 00:03:33,120
a clean house, I feel sort of, well,
tormented and driven to muck it all up.

41
00:03:33,640 --> 00:03:35,300
You've never told me that before.

42
00:03:35,620 --> 00:03:41,060
No, no, I suppose I wouldn't have done,
seeing as I've just made it up.

43
00:03:42,720 --> 00:03:49,240
So, you mess it up just to upset me?
Yes, pure unjustified

44
00:03:49,240 --> 00:03:52,560
malevolence. I enjoy upsetting people.

45
00:03:53,080 --> 00:03:55,260
Oh, well, if you enjoyed.

46
00:03:55,660 --> 00:03:56,940
I shall just have to accept it.

47
00:03:57,200 --> 00:04:00,060
What? Well, I'm fond of you.

48
00:04:00,540 --> 00:04:03,980
You want to enjoy yourself. I shall just
have to accept your figurine.

49
00:04:04,380 --> 00:04:05,840
You can't do that.

50
00:04:07,440 --> 00:04:08,560
That ruins it.

51
00:04:08,800 --> 00:04:11,900
I want to upset people, not give them
pleasure through tolerating me.

52
00:04:12,140 --> 00:04:17,519
Sorry. Right, right. That is positively
the last time that I chuck rubbish round

53
00:04:17,519 --> 00:04:18,219
this place.

54
00:04:18,220 --> 00:04:20,600
Oh, surely not. I'll show you. I'm so
upset.

55
00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:24,940
Now, if you'll excuse me, it is
Wednesday, and I have a long way to

56
00:04:32,650 --> 00:04:33,650
Just win that argument.

57
00:04:35,270 --> 00:04:36,270
Hello?

58
00:04:36,850 --> 00:04:38,570
Oh, not today.

59
00:04:39,110 --> 00:04:40,110
Hello?

60
00:04:40,390 --> 00:04:41,390
Anyone in?

61
00:04:41,890 --> 00:04:44,270
What? Anyone in?

62
00:04:49,070 --> 00:04:50,070
No.

63
00:04:52,130 --> 00:04:53,930
Shall I come back later?

64
00:04:54,230 --> 00:04:55,230
Like when?

65
00:04:55,490 --> 00:04:56,690
When someone's here.

66
00:05:02,640 --> 00:05:05,600
Yes, that's a good idea, Geoffrey. Why
not come back later when one of us is

67
00:05:07,060 --> 00:05:08,140
OK. Bye.

68
00:05:08,460 --> 00:05:09,460
Bye, Geoffrey.

69
00:05:11,020 --> 00:05:12,660
Teetering on the brink of reason.

70
00:05:13,580 --> 00:05:19,140
One breath of wind, one tiny nudge, and
we will all topple into the dark,

71
00:05:19,220 --> 00:05:21,820
screaming chasms of chaos and confusion.

72
00:05:22,260 --> 00:05:24,060
Hello! And here we go.

73
00:05:34,410 --> 00:05:35,089
was here.

74
00:05:35,090 --> 00:05:37,950
Yes, well, Geoffrey, like his father, is
a couple of putters short of the full

75
00:05:37,950 --> 00:05:38,950
golf bag.

76
00:05:39,850 --> 00:05:41,490
What is it you want, Jane?

77
00:05:41,930 --> 00:05:44,130
I wanted to speak to Tom. What about?

78
00:06:40,590 --> 00:06:43,950
You try dragging your backside up
Everest every Thursday.

79
00:06:44,230 --> 00:06:45,330
Excuse me.

80
00:06:45,590 --> 00:06:46,590
Oh, yes.

81
00:06:46,710 --> 00:06:49,330
Jane wanted to speak to you privately.

82
00:06:49,610 --> 00:06:51,890
Probably wants to make you into her love
slave.

83
00:06:52,370 --> 00:06:55,150
I shall be outside beating up the
sparrows.

84
00:06:56,510 --> 00:07:00,530
Yes, Jane? I have an urgent request from
Harvey.

85
00:07:00,850 --> 00:07:02,410
I'm not going to be his love slave.

86
00:07:03,190 --> 00:07:04,770
How would you like to do something?

87
00:07:15,470 --> 00:07:19,430
Prato Portuguese, eh? No speak French.

88
00:07:20,230 --> 00:07:22,250
What are you doing?

89
00:07:22,810 --> 00:07:24,430
No speak English.

90
00:07:27,870 --> 00:07:29,090
What's going on?

91
00:07:29,690 --> 00:07:35,830
Every broccoli's turned me down. I can't
understand it. I could have been... The

92
00:07:35,830 --> 00:07:36,830
name's Bond.

93
00:07:37,310 --> 00:07:38,490
Bethelden Bond.

94
00:07:39,610 --> 00:07:40,710
Shut up.

95
00:07:40,910 --> 00:07:42,990
What's with all this tidying?

96
00:07:43,980 --> 00:07:48,760
Not expecting some clothiered royal, are
we? I'd set my heart on movie stardom.

97
00:07:49,020 --> 00:07:52,000
I'd even booked a place that would make
it for ginny. Basil!

98
00:07:52,380 --> 00:07:54,340
Quick, we have to talk. Amazing news.

99
00:07:54,780 --> 00:07:56,260
Oh, hello, Diana.

100
00:07:56,640 --> 00:07:57,640
What's the palaver?

101
00:07:57,740 --> 00:08:01,320
Oh, nothing, nothing at all. I just want
a bit of a chat with Basil. What about?

102
00:08:01,880 --> 00:08:05,380
Um, uh, the tactics for the dominoes
tournament.

103
00:08:06,060 --> 00:08:07,060
Come along, pal.

104
00:08:08,440 --> 00:08:10,000
What is going on?

105
00:08:16,430 --> 00:08:19,530
Uniform you're wearing. Look like
somebody who gives diffident and

106
00:08:19,530 --> 00:08:20,530
lessons.

107
00:08:21,150 --> 00:08:23,150
You've got it for me. Next figures.

108
00:08:23,870 --> 00:08:24,870
What for?

109
00:08:25,430 --> 00:08:27,610
Um... Oh, I think I hear the phone.

110
00:08:28,250 --> 00:08:30,410
What is going on?

111
00:08:32,909 --> 00:08:33,909
Hiya, Granny.

112
00:08:36,190 --> 00:08:39,030
Are you talking to me? I certainly am,
my old darling.

113
00:08:40,789 --> 00:08:42,110
Looking for old Bainsey.

114
00:08:42,370 --> 00:08:43,549
Old Bainsey?

115
00:08:43,929 --> 00:08:45,270
Yeah, runs his place.

116
00:08:46,090 --> 00:08:47,370
Oh, no, he does not.

117
00:08:47,950 --> 00:08:51,570
He is merely the figurehead. I run this
place.

118
00:08:51,850 --> 00:08:56,150
I'm sure you do, my lovely old ducky,
and I bet you do a super job, too.

119
00:08:56,150 --> 00:08:57,150
my kind of girl.

120
00:08:57,370 --> 00:08:59,410
Oh, I wish you were my granny.

121
00:09:03,750 --> 00:09:07,710
I think we'll probably find old Bainsey
in his old officey.

122
00:09:09,170 --> 00:09:11,610
What the hell is going on?

123
00:09:12,730 --> 00:09:14,970
At last, at last, fame and fortune.

124
00:09:15,600 --> 00:09:18,160
Fighting off the jinx. Limousines and
fancy restaurants.

125
00:09:18,440 --> 00:09:19,820
And fighting off the jinx.

126
00:09:20,040 --> 00:09:24,900
Oscars, BAFTAs and MOFTAs. And not
fighting off the jinx.

127
00:09:26,760 --> 00:09:27,840
What's so funny?

128
00:09:28,280 --> 00:09:29,280
Nothing, Diana.

129
00:09:29,600 --> 00:09:32,540
Oh, you're looking very slinky today,
Diana.

130
00:09:32,900 --> 00:09:35,100
Oh! Oh, Jane.

131
00:09:35,420 --> 00:09:37,500
Dear God, Jane. Come here.

132
00:09:40,320 --> 00:09:41,320
Sit.

133
00:09:48,490 --> 00:09:52,130
this entire place is done up like a
tart's parlour.

134
00:09:53,170 --> 00:09:56,670
And why those two old goats are cackling
like they've got feathers up their

135
00:09:56,670 --> 00:09:57,670
caipers.

136
00:09:58,610 --> 00:10:01,950
And why you are done up like Betty Davis
on speed.

137
00:10:03,670 --> 00:10:05,790
All will be revealed, Diana.

138
00:10:06,190 --> 00:10:07,670
Well, not by you, I hope.

139
00:10:07,990 --> 00:10:08,990
By Harvey.

140
00:10:09,110 --> 00:10:10,110
Oh, how revolting.

141
00:10:10,870 --> 00:10:11,870
Hello, everybody.

142
00:10:12,590 --> 00:10:13,590
Everybody happy?

143
00:10:18,640 --> 00:10:21,100
Well, great news, and I'm sure you're
all going to be thrilled.

144
00:10:22,160 --> 00:10:23,920
We're going to be in the movies.

145
00:10:24,480 --> 00:10:26,540
Hooray! Shut up!

146
00:10:27,260 --> 00:10:29,020
What are you on about, you little
stinkpot?

147
00:10:30,260 --> 00:10:31,940
Nothing to concern you, Diana.

148
00:10:32,320 --> 00:10:34,020
That's the one that need me in the
goalies.

149
00:10:35,640 --> 00:10:38,200
And who is that great patronising oink?

150
00:10:38,760 --> 00:10:42,440
Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to
introduce you to the director of the

151
00:10:42,440 --> 00:10:44,640
question. It's Mr Richard Iron.

152
00:10:45,120 --> 00:10:46,120
Iron Day!

153
00:10:46,520 --> 00:10:48,620
No relation to Jeremy Attenborough.

154
00:10:50,140 --> 00:10:51,280
What film?

155
00:10:51,580 --> 00:10:54,000
Basil and Madonna, Do It In A Balloon.

156
00:10:54,840 --> 00:10:57,320
Shut up, Basil. It's a commercial.

157
00:10:57,540 --> 00:10:59,120
We're making a commercial here.

158
00:10:59,500 --> 00:11:00,119
What for?

159
00:11:00,120 --> 00:11:01,120
The living dead?

160
00:11:02,120 --> 00:11:04,500
We're making a commercial for Bayview.

161
00:11:04,970 --> 00:11:08,050
I mean, as you know, Bayview has been
such a success, thanks to my tremendous

162
00:11:08,050 --> 00:11:11,190
management skills, that the board...
Currently meeting in Hawaii.

163
00:11:11,850 --> 00:11:15,870
Thank you, Diana. That the board have
decided to set up Bayview franchises

164
00:11:15,870 --> 00:11:16,870
across the country.

165
00:11:17,130 --> 00:11:20,190
Now, in order to do this, we have to
persuade a few local councillors. What a

166
00:11:20,190 --> 00:11:23,270
great place this is. Hence the short
promo film.

167
00:11:23,690 --> 00:11:24,690
Or no film.

168
00:11:26,070 --> 00:11:27,070
It's a promo.

169
00:11:28,230 --> 00:11:29,230
Promotional.

170
00:11:29,490 --> 00:11:30,670
Forget it, Harvey.

171
00:11:31,120 --> 00:11:31,759
I'm sorry?

172
00:11:31,760 --> 00:11:34,440
Well, nobody around here wants to get
involved in something that's going to

173
00:11:34,440 --> 00:11:37,600
encourage the pred of geriatric ashtrays
like these.

174
00:11:38,120 --> 00:11:42,960
We all come to be stubbed out by blood
-sucking, brain -dead incompetence like

175
00:11:42,960 --> 00:11:44,040
your slimy little self.

176
00:11:45,320 --> 00:11:47,520
Make a film to encourage you.

177
00:11:47,800 --> 00:11:48,800
Oh!

178
00:11:48,920 --> 00:11:49,920
Eat your socks.

179
00:11:50,940 --> 00:11:52,260
Well, thank you, Diana.

180
00:11:52,480 --> 00:11:55,580
Well, the following have agreed to
appear in the film. Now, there's Deirdre

181
00:11:55,580 --> 00:11:57,360
Oliver, Jenny Murphy,

182
00:11:58,120 --> 00:11:59,360
Basil Makepeace.

183
00:11:59,700 --> 00:12:00,700
Oh, and...

184
00:12:01,230 --> 00:12:02,530
Tom Ballard.

185
00:12:34,220 --> 00:12:35,220
if you're back in yet.

186
00:12:37,480 --> 00:12:39,020
Geoffrey, what is the matter with you?

187
00:12:39,220 --> 00:12:41,940
It's Marion. I don't know what to do.
Oh, God, what is it now?

188
00:12:42,280 --> 00:12:44,260
She's attacking anyone who comes to the
door.

189
00:12:44,820 --> 00:12:49,460
She says her life has no purpose, she
has no fun, and I'm boring her to death.

190
00:12:49,820 --> 00:12:50,900
I don't know what to do.

191
00:12:51,480 --> 00:12:52,720
Have you thought of suicide?

192
00:12:55,080 --> 00:12:57,180
It's not funny, Diana. It's
embarrassing.

193
00:12:57,560 --> 00:12:59,400
No one can come to the door.

194
00:12:59,800 --> 00:13:01,740
She bit a pair of morons.

195
00:13:13,740 --> 00:13:14,459
I'm a bit stressed.

196
00:13:14,460 --> 00:13:16,700
The delivery people have to chuck
everything from the road.

197
00:13:17,600 --> 00:13:20,160
It's all right with the papers and the
post, but the milk's a bit of a problem.

198
00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:23,000
Is Dad around?

199
00:13:23,180 --> 00:13:27,160
No, he and Basil are with a pair of
brainless moles nancying around on the

200
00:13:27,160 --> 00:13:28,019
croquet lawn.

201
00:13:28,020 --> 00:13:30,180
They're not sacrificing goats again, are
they?

202
00:13:30,720 --> 00:13:32,500
No, they are making a film.

203
00:13:33,520 --> 00:13:34,520
Really?

204
00:13:34,720 --> 00:13:35,860
Gosh, how exciting.

205
00:13:36,560 --> 00:13:37,860
I've always wanted to make a film.

206
00:13:38,260 --> 00:13:39,520
Always wanted to be a director.

207
00:13:40,260 --> 00:13:42,300
When I was at school, they used to call
me Celia.

208
00:13:46,000 --> 00:13:47,000
Cecil B. DeMille.

209
00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:50,200
They got it mixed up and called me Celia
B. DeMille.

210
00:13:51,480 --> 00:13:52,720
That's a nice bunch of lads.

211
00:13:55,440 --> 00:13:56,440
Right -o, lovies.

212
00:13:57,080 --> 00:13:58,620
We'll start over here on Harvey.

213
00:13:59,120 --> 00:14:00,380
We'll do a little bit to camera.

214
00:14:00,600 --> 00:14:04,960
Then we'll cut to you all having a
wonderful time. So I want you to really

215
00:14:04,960 --> 00:14:05,960
yourselves, OK?

216
00:14:06,180 --> 00:14:07,180
Super.

217
00:14:08,340 --> 00:14:09,740
You may touch me, Jane.

218
00:14:10,300 --> 00:14:12,520
I hit you five minutes ago.

219
00:14:12,740 --> 00:14:14,180
I was younger then, Jane.

220
00:14:15,660 --> 00:14:16,660
A bit of hush, please.

221
00:14:18,320 --> 00:14:19,320
Turn over.

222
00:14:20,400 --> 00:14:21,960
Bayview promo, take one.

223
00:14:23,360 --> 00:14:24,440
And action.

224
00:14:27,140 --> 00:14:28,240
Action, Bainsey.

225
00:14:29,180 --> 00:14:30,180
Hi.

226
00:14:31,640 --> 00:14:33,440
My name's Harvey Bain.

227
00:14:34,080 --> 00:14:37,380
I'm the manager here at Bayview.

228
00:14:38,160 --> 00:14:42,660
And as you can see from the people
around me...

229
00:14:43,280 --> 00:14:46,100
We all have a lot of fun here at
Bayview.

230
00:14:49,840 --> 00:14:53,000
It's fun, fun, fun all the way.

231
00:14:53,240 --> 00:14:59,960
No, but it's serious as well, because
it's a great responsibility

232
00:14:59,960 --> 00:15:06,000
guiding these senior citizens through
their autumn years

233
00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:09,420
before they fall off their twigs.

234
00:15:12,590 --> 00:15:13,529
Where's my script?

235
00:15:13,530 --> 00:15:16,110
Cut. Don't worry, we can edit it out.

236
00:15:17,350 --> 00:15:19,370
Right, set them over here for the old
lovelies.

237
00:15:19,670 --> 00:15:20,670
Oh, that's us.

238
00:15:22,610 --> 00:15:24,450
This bloke's an awful creep.

239
00:15:28,670 --> 00:15:29,670
OK,

240
00:15:32,670 --> 00:15:33,670
Tommy Lovey.

241
00:15:33,870 --> 00:15:34,970
And action.

242
00:15:36,250 --> 00:15:37,250
Well...

243
00:15:38,320 --> 00:15:42,920
I've been at Bayview quite a few years
now, and on the whole, it's not a bad

244
00:15:42,920 --> 00:15:46,800
place, despite being hopelessly run by
the idiot Baines.

245
00:15:47,480 --> 00:15:48,660
Cut it, cut it, cut it.

246
00:15:49,500 --> 00:15:52,540
Just hold it. Tom, would you mind
sticking to the script?

247
00:15:53,300 --> 00:15:57,260
It's a wonderful place because it's so
well run by the idiot Baines.

248
00:15:59,500 --> 00:16:03,620
Let's go again. Action, Tom, and
remember it. A wonderful place because

249
00:16:03,620 --> 00:16:06,920
by me. I can't say that. I'd be struck
down.

250
00:16:07,870 --> 00:16:10,450
Battle, you do your bit. Oh, righty -ho.

251
00:16:11,510 --> 00:16:12,510
Ready?

252
00:16:13,290 --> 00:16:14,290
Yes.

253
00:16:14,570 --> 00:16:15,670
Fine, you all go ahead.

254
00:16:15,970 --> 00:16:16,970
Don't mind me.

255
00:16:17,130 --> 00:16:18,270
I'm just the director.

256
00:16:18,790 --> 00:16:20,690
Action, the terrapin.

257
00:16:21,410 --> 00:16:22,410
Hi, gang.

258
00:16:22,450 --> 00:16:24,350
I'm Baz the Stud Makepeace.

259
00:16:24,590 --> 00:16:29,190
I have a wonderful time at Bayview
because most of the chicks here are

260
00:16:29,190 --> 00:16:34,190
little ravers who... Dickie, I'm so
sorry.

261
00:16:39,500 --> 00:16:40,500
OK, Jane.

262
00:16:40,540 --> 00:16:41,860
In your own time.

263
00:16:42,540 --> 00:16:43,920
And action.

264
00:16:44,300 --> 00:16:45,500
Chest out, Jane.

265
00:16:45,760 --> 00:16:46,760
Lick your lips.

266
00:16:47,180 --> 00:16:49,600
Think hot, steamy passion.

267
00:16:50,220 --> 00:16:51,220
Shut up.

268
00:16:51,820 --> 00:16:53,260
Just get on with it, Jane.

269
00:16:54,260 --> 00:16:58,220
Hello. I'm Jane Edwards, matron of
Bayview.

270
00:16:58,820 --> 00:17:02,660
And I'd like to show you round our
wonderful, happy home.

271
00:17:02,920 --> 00:17:03,920
Come inside.

272
00:17:06,000 --> 00:17:11,500
Betty, get up, please. Thank you, thank
you. And this is the dining room where

273
00:17:11,500 --> 00:17:14,740
we all dine happily together.

274
00:17:15,319 --> 00:17:19,220
And here is Jenny, a happy helping
person.

275
00:17:20,040 --> 00:17:23,020
I'm so happy working at Bayview. Oh,
yes, I am.

276
00:17:24,079 --> 00:17:30,880
Mr. Crock, our chef, about to serve one
of his famous cordon

277
00:17:30,880 --> 00:17:32,060
bleu meals.

278
00:17:32,440 --> 00:17:33,640
I like Bayview.

279
00:17:34,030 --> 00:17:37,730
It's a very happy place for illegal
immigrants.

280
00:17:39,870 --> 00:17:42,610
We never get turkey. It's just time.

281
00:17:43,030 --> 00:17:49,710
And here, once again, is Harvey, our
wonderful manager, eating

282
00:17:49,710 --> 00:17:51,170
with the residents.

283
00:17:51,590 --> 00:17:57,910
I always eat with the residents because
the food is so good and it's always such

284
00:17:57,910 --> 00:17:58,910
fun.

285
00:17:59,030 --> 00:18:04,140
Harvey's a real man's man who needs only
one thing in life and that is... The

286
00:18:04,140 --> 00:18:05,380
love of a good woman.

287
00:18:06,140 --> 00:18:11,360
He doesn't realise that that woman is so
close to him that you could bite him.

288
00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:13,720
No, no, cut, cut it, cut it, cut it.

289
00:18:14,220 --> 00:18:15,820
What do you think you're doing?

290
00:18:16,180 --> 00:18:17,620
Just a bit of ad -libbing.

291
00:18:18,260 --> 00:18:20,220
Meryl Streep does it all the time.

292
00:18:20,520 --> 00:18:21,419
Well, you're fired.

293
00:18:21,420 --> 00:18:23,080
I want this woman off the lot by sunset.

294
00:18:23,440 --> 00:18:25,920
No, no, no, just forget it. You'll never
work in this town again.

295
00:18:26,720 --> 00:18:28,620
Jenny, Jenny, Jenny, come here.

296
00:18:29,480 --> 00:18:30,620
OK, it's your turn to start.

297
00:18:30,960 --> 00:18:31,960
You're going to play Jane.

298
00:18:32,280 --> 00:18:33,440
Now get out there and kill them.

299
00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:38,220
Mr. Baines, don't you worry. I will let
you down. All my life I've waited for

300
00:18:38,220 --> 00:18:40,440
this break. All these years of waiting
tables.

301
00:18:40,880 --> 00:18:42,280
And now I'm going to make it.

302
00:18:42,840 --> 00:18:46,980
I'm going to be a... Okay.

303
00:18:47,900 --> 00:18:49,080
Light. Camera.

304
00:18:50,380 --> 00:18:52,580
Action. The minute you walked...

305
00:19:07,850 --> 00:19:10,250
in overdosing culturally this early in
the evening.

306
00:19:11,570 --> 00:19:12,890
Hi, it's me.

307
00:19:13,310 --> 00:19:17,230
Don't stand up. No interviews, no
autographs. We're just good friends.

308
00:19:19,370 --> 00:19:20,370
What, ho?

309
00:19:22,710 --> 00:19:26,230
No business like show business at all.

310
00:19:26,710 --> 00:19:33,530
Members of the Academy, thank

311
00:19:33,530 --> 00:19:34,970
you for the statuette.

312
00:19:36,040 --> 00:19:40,940
Of course, I don't usually accept
awards, but I want to use this platform

313
00:19:40,940 --> 00:19:45,040
bring to your attention the plight of
the gay Welsh Aborigines.

314
00:19:47,360 --> 00:19:48,680
Don't you want to hear about the
filming?

315
00:19:48,980 --> 00:19:51,400
No. I've just spent two hours at the
sauna.

316
00:19:51,680 --> 00:19:52,680
What sauna?

317
00:19:52,820 --> 00:19:55,220
And then we had to do a scene in the
intensive care unit.

318
00:19:55,540 --> 00:19:57,300
We don't have an intensive care unit.

319
00:19:57,660 --> 00:20:01,460
No, that was Harvey's office with a few
bits of dentistry equipment.

320
00:20:01,860 --> 00:20:02,980
And what about the sauna?

321
00:20:03,240 --> 00:20:04,240
The potting shed.

322
00:20:04,490 --> 00:20:05,930
with a kettle going full blast.

323
00:20:07,750 --> 00:20:10,270
Tom, this entire film is a fake.

324
00:20:10,470 --> 00:20:11,470
It's show business.

325
00:20:11,710 --> 00:20:16,070
How can you possibly support Harvey in
this blatant bit of humbuggery? Diana,

326
00:20:16,230 --> 00:20:17,410
it's my big chance.

327
00:20:18,050 --> 00:20:19,450
I could be a star.

328
00:20:20,270 --> 00:20:23,350
I am shocked. I am really shocked, Tom.

329
00:20:23,770 --> 00:20:25,270
I've always admired you.

330
00:20:25,630 --> 00:20:30,230
You may be a couple of wheels short of a
full wagon train, but I've always felt

331
00:20:30,230 --> 00:20:32,570
there was a basic honesty about your
darkness.

332
00:20:33,710 --> 00:20:39,430
But now, for the sake of a few pathetic
sprats thrown to your vanity, you want

333
00:20:39,430 --> 00:20:44,990
to chuck all your ideals in the bin and
become one of God's great cosmic jests.

334
00:20:45,110 --> 00:20:47,150
One of life's lowest forms.

335
00:20:48,170 --> 00:20:49,670
You want to become an actor.

336
00:20:52,130 --> 00:20:53,730
Actors are fine people.

337
00:20:54,090 --> 00:20:57,610
Rubbish! They're animals. They should be
kept caged north of Potter's Bar.

338
00:20:58,830 --> 00:21:01,490
Let out to do their bit and then locked
away again.

339
00:21:01,870 --> 00:21:04,650
Then every time we picked up a paper or
turned on the telly, we wouldn't have to

340
00:21:04,650 --> 00:21:08,950
listen to their pig -ignorant ideas on
everything from fashion to famine and

341
00:21:08,950 --> 00:21:13,150
back to their boring causes and
relentlessly tedious sex lives.

342
00:21:13,530 --> 00:21:14,630
Not keen on them, eh?

343
00:21:15,190 --> 00:21:16,930
I went out with an actor once.

344
00:21:17,370 --> 00:21:20,550
The only way I could stop him talking
about himself was to sit on his face.

345
00:21:23,890 --> 00:21:27,370
He was still burbling on about his agent
as he lost consciousness.

346
00:21:28,610 --> 00:21:30,350
Diana, you do me good.

347
00:21:30,550 --> 00:21:32,480
Well, I am... worried about your soul.

348
00:21:32,800 --> 00:21:33,880
Well, you needn't be.

349
00:21:35,220 --> 00:21:36,740
I've been pulling your leg.

350
00:21:37,200 --> 00:21:40,680
What? I'm not going to go along with
Harvey's con job.

351
00:21:40,960 --> 00:21:42,080
You're not? Of course not.

352
00:21:42,300 --> 00:21:46,260
At first I thought it might be fun, but
once he started faking it all, I decided

353
00:21:46,260 --> 00:21:47,820
to subvert the whole operation.

354
00:21:48,080 --> 00:21:49,240
And I need your help.

355
00:21:51,480 --> 00:21:54,340
Have you heard about Mario's latest
problem? Oh, yes.

356
00:22:09,840 --> 00:22:10,840
I wish I was dead.

357
00:22:11,220 --> 00:22:12,620
But otherwise, everything's fine.

358
00:22:13,460 --> 00:22:14,319
Hi, Dad.

359
00:22:14,320 --> 00:22:15,320
I hear you're in the movies.

360
00:22:15,660 --> 00:22:17,920
Yes, but we have a crisis, Geoffrey.

361
00:22:18,340 --> 00:22:19,800
Our director is no good.

362
00:22:20,340 --> 00:22:22,460
We need your great talents to help us
out.

363
00:22:22,860 --> 00:22:24,420
Oh, God, fantastic.

364
00:22:25,680 --> 00:22:26,760
I'll just get my gear.

365
00:22:27,360 --> 00:22:29,020
And there's a chance for you too,
Marion.

366
00:22:29,380 --> 00:22:31,400
We want you to play one of the leading
parts.

367
00:22:31,900 --> 00:22:33,500
I have to sleep with the director.

368
00:22:34,100 --> 00:22:35,460
It's not that sort of film.

369
00:22:35,960 --> 00:22:36,960
What do I need to bring?

370
00:22:37,240 --> 00:22:38,240
Well, uh...

371
00:22:38,380 --> 00:22:40,280
Six pack of vodka should have the right
effect.

372
00:22:41,740 --> 00:22:42,740
Moving.

373
00:22:45,380 --> 00:22:47,840
Do you think this is totally moral,
Diana?

374
00:22:48,220 --> 00:22:51,600
To sacrifice one Marion to bring down a
legion of potential Harveys?

375
00:22:51,820 --> 00:22:52,820
Perfectly moral, Tom.

376
00:22:53,080 --> 00:22:54,820
Right. Phase two.

377
00:22:55,400 --> 00:22:57,600
Get Harvey and Jane off the premises.

378
00:22:59,320 --> 00:23:00,320
Hi.

379
00:23:01,680 --> 00:23:05,740
I'm Harvey Baines, and I'm the manager
here at Bayview.

380
00:23:06,700 --> 00:23:13,400
As you can see by all the people around
me, well, we all have a lot of fun here

381
00:23:13,400 --> 00:23:14,400
at Bayview.

382
00:23:14,420 --> 00:23:15,420
Ah!

383
00:23:15,680 --> 00:23:18,240
Look at that, Jane.

384
00:23:19,420 --> 00:23:21,120
It's there. Can't you see it?

385
00:23:21,500 --> 00:23:23,260
Do you mean the nasal hair?

386
00:23:24,100 --> 00:23:30,040
I mean that indefinable something. That
something that says... It says box

387
00:23:30,040 --> 00:23:31,780
office. It says star quality.

388
00:23:32,940 --> 00:23:34,340
Head on your nose.

389
00:23:34,640 --> 00:23:35,640
What?

390
00:23:37,720 --> 00:23:38,720
Yes?

391
00:23:39,820 --> 00:23:40,820
Really?

392
00:23:41,880 --> 00:23:44,940
No, no, I'm sure he wouldn't be remotely
interested.

393
00:23:45,520 --> 00:23:50,100
He is the manager of a retirement home,
not an actor.

394
00:23:50,380 --> 00:23:54,060
Give me that, give me that. Hello,
hello, Harvey Nigel Baines here.

395
00:23:54,300 --> 00:23:55,300
Who is this?

396
00:23:56,940 --> 00:23:58,420
Creative Talent Agency?

397
00:24:01,260 --> 00:24:02,540
You've heard about the picture?

398
00:24:04,000 --> 00:24:05,840
You want me to do a screencast?

399
00:24:08,140 --> 00:24:09,700
And to bring my own make -up, lady.

400
00:24:10,640 --> 00:24:13,820
Yes, but isn't that a... They've gone.

401
00:24:15,320 --> 00:24:16,320
Oh, Jane.

402
00:24:16,600 --> 00:24:18,460
You need a little trip to London
tomorrow.

403
00:24:18,920 --> 00:24:21,080
That agent sounded vaguely familiar.

404
00:24:21,840 --> 00:24:23,980
Just call my tailor and my hairdresser.

405
00:24:24,220 --> 00:24:25,660
Oh, yes, and I'd better get my feet
done.

406
00:24:25,980 --> 00:24:27,080
Yes, call my pedder out.

407
00:24:31,800 --> 00:24:32,800
OK.

408
00:24:37,630 --> 00:24:38,429
They've gone.

409
00:24:38,430 --> 00:24:39,430
Action stations.

410
00:24:44,010 --> 00:24:45,090
Right, Marion.

411
00:24:46,390 --> 00:24:47,730
Time to be a star.

412
00:24:48,010 --> 00:24:49,530
How can I be Harvey if I'm the director?

413
00:24:49,990 --> 00:24:51,010
I can direct this bit.

414
00:24:51,370 --> 00:24:52,670
I'll operate the camera.

415
00:24:55,350 --> 00:24:56,370
Okay, Jeffrey.

416
00:24:56,670 --> 00:24:57,750
Action thingy.

417
00:24:58,250 --> 00:24:59,250
Hi.

418
00:25:01,510 --> 00:25:03,430
My name's Harvey Baines.

419
00:25:04,910 --> 00:25:05,930
And I...

420
00:25:07,280 --> 00:25:08,280
Jane Edwards.

421
00:25:08,300 --> 00:25:10,800
And together we run this breakfast show.

422
00:25:13,140 --> 00:25:14,140
Right,

423
00:25:15,280 --> 00:25:16,600
here we are then.

424
00:25:17,140 --> 00:25:23,880
So sorry, Harvey isn't here to greet you
personally. But somebody has stolen the

425
00:25:23,880 --> 00:25:25,160
wheels of his car.

426
00:25:25,380 --> 00:25:26,640
So you'll be a bit late.

427
00:25:27,040 --> 00:25:30,500
But he told me to let you see the film
anyway.

428
00:25:30,960 --> 00:25:32,660
Did you steal his wheels?

429
00:25:33,320 --> 00:25:34,480
Clever little sod.

430
00:25:39,020 --> 00:25:40,020
Phone chain.

431
00:25:46,620 --> 00:25:47,620
Hello.

432
00:25:49,760 --> 00:25:52,720
My name's Harvey Baines, and I run this
place.

433
00:25:53,300 --> 00:25:57,760
The board insists on high qualifications
for these jobs, which is why I took a

434
00:25:57,760 --> 00:26:00,320
crash course in accountancy while at my
open prison.

435
00:26:01,260 --> 00:26:02,320
Charges were later dropped.

436
00:26:02,910 --> 00:26:07,030
And now I'd like you to meet Jane
Edwards, our matron, who was handpicked

437
00:26:07,030 --> 00:26:09,550
and the board after we'd all slept
interviewed her.

438
00:26:09,930 --> 00:26:14,470
Jane is one of those councilors who have
gathered from all over England to see

439
00:26:14,470 --> 00:26:15,590
the wonders of Bayview.

440
00:26:15,930 --> 00:26:16,930
Hello.

441
00:26:17,830 --> 00:26:22,370
I'm Jane Edwards, and I'm the one who
keeps the production order round here.

442
00:26:22,590 --> 00:26:24,710
So, come and have a look round.

443
00:26:29,030 --> 00:26:32,590
This is the croquet lawn, where our
residents have a lot of fun.

444
00:26:48,680 --> 00:26:52,820
people about yourself, Mr. Kwok. Ah,
wonderful place.

445
00:26:53,160 --> 00:26:54,960
Feed only cheapest food.

446
00:26:55,440 --> 00:26:56,440
Ah.

447
00:26:58,720 --> 00:26:59,720
Are you escaping?

448
00:27:00,220 --> 00:27:01,760
Go on, Kwoky.

449
00:27:01,960 --> 00:27:06,040
You were there last week and I walked
the tail for soup.

450
00:27:07,460 --> 00:27:13,980
So, come to sunny Bayview and get ripped
off and eat

451
00:27:13,980 --> 00:27:15,020
household pets.

452
00:27:22,380 --> 00:27:23,380
pounds exactly.

453
00:27:23,840 --> 00:27:24,920
Oh, hi.

454
00:27:25,380 --> 00:27:28,280
How was the movie? Look, I'm sorry I'm
late.

455
00:27:28,700 --> 00:27:32,500
I'm Harvey Baines. I was the lead in the
movie, you know, the one with the firm

456
00:27:32,500 --> 00:27:36,220
jaw and the roguish look in his eyes.
We're reporting this place to the

457
00:27:36,220 --> 00:27:37,220
Court.

458
00:27:38,840 --> 00:27:42,060
What happened?

459
00:27:42,340 --> 00:27:45,640
Well, I'm afraid they found you
unattractive, crooked, and insincere.

460
00:27:46,780 --> 00:27:47,780
Unattractive?

461
00:27:48,300 --> 00:27:50,260
Don't bring us, and we won't bring you.

462
00:27:55,020 --> 00:27:57,020
Well, that was fun.

463
00:27:57,240 --> 00:27:58,820
Oh, it certainly was.

464
00:28:06,340 --> 00:28:07,700
Reality's leaking again.