Original subtitles

You OK?

No, not indigestion.

It was last night's chicken. It had hunched shoulders. Probably vulture.

That's better.

Come along, come along.

Hey -ho, hey -ho, it's off to the clinic we go.

And could the incontinence gang please use the plastic -covered seats today?

Got your bottle strapped on, Rodney?

How do you feel about euthanasia? It's a bloody good idea, as long as I can pull

the trigger myself.

I'm not referring to Harvey. I meant a general principle.

There's no such thing as a general principle when it comes to snuffing your

fellow man.

Every case is an individual case.

All right, then.

Do you see circumstances in which Murphy killing would be a valid course of

action?

Yes. Yes?

Yes.

I'd like a clear answer on this.

Yes. Y -E -S. The opposite.

To know. The affirmative. I think it is a very good idea.

I see.

Where are you going?

To change my room.

Well, it's obvious, Tom.

You're in a great deal of pain.

You've got no hope, your bodily functions are up the spout, then what is

with having a good quack pull the plug on you? You may want to change your mind

ten minutes later.

Yes, well, obviously, they'd have to be built -in safeguards.

God wouldn't approve.

What? We are here to be, not to not be.

I'm sure I've heard something like that somewhere before.

Get on with it.

We have had the divine gift of life bestowed on us by God. It is not up to

decide when to give it back.

Yes, it is.

According to Christian teachings, we are given freedom of choice.

Surely the ultimate freedom of choice is deciding for yourself when you're going

to check in to Crokesville. No, it is wrong.

Oh, I see.

Just like that.

Euthanasia, wrong, forget it. Yep.

God, it must be wonderful to have a little handbag so crammed full of moral

certainties. Love, God, life, death, all sorted out, all nicely wrapped up, all

questions answered, put to one side.

It's called faith.

It's called bollocks.

Killing people is wrong.

Yes, for you may be your belief, but similarly I should be allowed to make my

choice according to my belief.

And what about the executioner? What? This nice quack, Dr.

Death, on whom you want to dump all the responsibility. How's he going to feel?

Hello, darling. Nice day at the surgery?

Oh, yes.

It was my killing day.

Knee -deep in old stiffs, ran out of bin bags.

What's for dinner?

I'm not going to argue with you. You're just a blinkered old cart horse clopping

down a blind alley full of junk.

I win.

No, you have not. Oh, yes, I do. Whenever you drop argument for insult, I

I've won.

Argument? You call that wifty, wopty, gibberish argument?

I've had better arguments with...

With dead gerbils. Hello.

Oh, Jane.

Hello. How are we today?

Jane, Diana was just comparing your intellectual abilities with the less

members of the hamster family.

What? Deceived gerbils.

And how did I do? Dead heat.

I suppose you think that's funny.

No, Jane, no, it is tragic, like the rest of your life.

Speaking of which, how is old Rhett Butler Baines?

Has he managed to stop the sawdust leaking out of his ears yet?

Harvey is a changed man.

He's given up his pursuit of brainless women.

Too smart for a man.

I told him if he wanted to be taken seriously, he shouldn't go around with

bimbos who are still trying to cope with joined -up writing.

What did you think he appeared to be? A professional woman.

Someone whose talents go beyond giggling and... Wiggling.

So you're after a professional woman.

That should send a tremor of panic through the educated classes.

I'm sorry, I know I'm a Christian, but sometimes I get so fed up with these

harlots, I just want to chop them all up and dump them in plastic bags on the

motorway.

Jenny, Jane, there's steam coming out of your ears.

What did you want, Diana?

I think, my little precious, that you came unto us, not vice versa.

Oh, yes.

How are your bowels?

Well, Jenny said that at lunchtime you only had a bowl of milk and magnesia, so

I thought it might be your old problem.

I have slight indigestion, that is all.

You don't want any cement?

No, I don't.

Or the other? No.

Nice and steady, then. Yes.

Just checking. Yeah, well, don't. All right. Thank you.

Regular as well, are we?

Jenny, I will have to beat you over the head until your brain's turned to

yoghurt. Well, you certainly sound quite normal.

Was there anything?

Oh, Basil wanted to know if anyone wanted to go go -kart racing with him.

Oh, yes.

Me and Baz decided to start the Bayview Dangerous Sports Club.

You don't think that just living here is dangerous enough?

The elderly should try things they haven't done before.

Baz and I are going to go bungee jumping in the summer. What?

You know, leaping off the Severn Bridge with an elastic rope round your foot.

Whee!

Badoing, badoing, badoing. Jane, ring up the men in white coats and padded vans.

Beth and I thought we would start with go -kart racing. I'm looking forward to

it. There wasn't any go -karts when I was young.

There weren't any wheels when you were young.

You're coming, Diana.

One childhood is quite enough for me, thank you.

Now, do take care, Basil.

Oh, I'm all right, and you steady boss dog.

Hurry up, Jane.

Everybody,

everybody, listen.

Listen!

Now, I really don't approve of this sort of thing, and I certainly don't want

any costly accidents.

So we'll all go at a sensible pace, and I want you all to stay behind me.

All right?

What is it, Diana?

Anything at all?

Bugger off.

This is where they brought me when my old ticker blew a fuse.

It's awful in that room.

She's not in that room, Tom.

She's having a GCSE.

It's all my fault.

Yes. If I hadn't dragged her out, she'd never have got excited.

It's all my fault. Of course it's not.

It's no one's fault.

Maybe we shouldn't have let her go there.

Maybe it's our fault.

Jane, shut up.

This could result in an insurance claim. Would you mind not discussing issues of

fault in front of witnesses?

You're talking about our Diana.

Who has taken out 47 legal actions against Bayview.

I know Diana. She won't let incapacity or death stop her from making my life a

misery.

Harvey. Yes, Tom.

If you don't shut up, I'll snap your neck like an autumn twig.

Fine. Thank you.

Jane, get me a glass of water.

It's Harvey Baines. How is she?

I am the doctor, Mr Baines. He is the nurse.

Oh, how very, very modern.

And totally acceptable, of course.

Is she all right?

The ECG showed nothing irregular.

Her heart seems to be all right. Goodness, you know all about these sort

things, do you?

They have them in your country, do they?

How very well done.

Thank you.

I wonder if she would find this disclaimer form as soon as she comes

you the husband?

He doesn't exist.

Deceased?

No, he was never born.

I'm sorry?

She's never married.

Plenty of grand passions, of course, but she used to wear them all out,

something terrible.

We could hardly stand up, let alone say I do.

Are you the next of kin?

Next of kin?

Is there any need of next of kin? It's just a formality.

But, you know, you can't be too careful.

She has a niece.

I'll call her.

Fine. We'll be X -raying her later.

Come back in the morning. Is Diana going to be all right?

In the morning. It's rather important, you see.

In the morning. She's a one -off, you know.

A first edition.

A collector's item.

In the morning.

Bye.

Wonderful woman. She managed to swear at me in her sleep.

We'll talk tomorrow.

Doctor. Yes.

You are a real doctor, aren't you?

I beg your pardon.

Well, I'm sure your qualifications in the land of your birth are top draw and

all that, you know, but I was just wondering whether they were valid here.

see, it's for the insurance.

I was born in Henley -on -Thames and trained at Guy's Hospital, London.

Goodness.

Well, silly moi.

And furthermore, I find your remarks extraordinarily offensive, and had I the

time, I would probably report them to the appropriate race relations

authorities.

Now, is there anything else you wish to know?

Um, how about dinner?

I don't know, Sarah, but they did seem to want next of kin, so as her niece, I

suppose that's you.

All right.

Right -o.

See you later.

God, a moment, please.

I know that we are just basically hanging around here until they join you,

if you don't mind, I'd like to go first.

This is not a generous gesture on my part. It's just that I find this place

incredibly silent and cold without Diana crashing and cussing about.

Come along, Tom. We haven't got all day.

You're being a bit snappy, aren't you?

Well, I'm furious with that doctor.

Jezebel. Dusky hussy.

What's she done?

I don't know, but Harvey's already been on to his accountant, asking about the

tax advantages of marrying a member of an ethnic minority.

Come on!

And when we've got another moment, God, I'd also like to talk to you about your

really weird sense of humour.

Who is it?

Clark. Gable.

I'll let him know.

I'll let him know.

Come in, you old buzzard.

What, her old thing?

How are you? Fine, fine.

Never felt better.

Really? Oh, yes. Abso -bleeding -lutely.

I'll bung those in the sink.

So. What did they find in the X -ray?

Nothing. Nothing at all.

Lungs of a newborn babe.

Fit as a fiddle. Is that a fact?

Yep. I may well take up scuba diving.

So, what was it?

Doctors, schmockters, what do they know?

But what did they actually say?

Oh, uh, you know, wind.

Wind? Well, something like that. A lot of mumbo -jumbo, roughly meaning that

they hadn't got a clue. So, how are you?

Me? Oh, I'm, uh...

I'm remembering.

Remembering something.

Remembering what?

The last war. I'm remembering Sergeant Major Platehead O 'Reilly.

We used to call him Platehead because he had a plate in his head.

Very original.

What of him?

I flew one of the planes that dropped our parachute boys on the bridge of

Remargan. Tom, that was Robert Redford on a bridge too far.

No, but he didn't do it alone, did he?

Get on with it.

I remember the chat that Platehead gave the lads just before the drop.

It's all going to be fine, he said.

A doddle.

We were home for tea. The huns have all gone fishing.

Et cetera, et cetera.

Good old Platehead.

And? The thing was, I knew he was lying through his teeth, for the best possible

reasons, of course, but still talking an awful lot of posh.

I am.

I've got a shadow on my lung.

That was a dreadful noise.

Yes, I'm sorry.

There.

That's better.

It could be all sorts of things, you know. Come on, Tom, let's not prig

The word we are looking for is cancer.

Is that what they said?

Well, they don't have to do that. I mean, they just fap around with their

tests, but... Well, what the hell?

It happens.

Could have happened 40 years ago.

I'm old.

It's time.

Got to doubt something.

You don't think you're jumping the gun a bit?

No, no, I know. I know what the symptoms are. Shortness of breath, tightness in

the chest.

Hello, emphysema, goodbye life.

Tom, I want you to get me a large number of sleeping pills.

Oh, you really are bloody, aren't you?

Right up to the line.

Forget it.

Tom, I had an uncle once who went this way.

He was a big man.

Huge spirit and a huge body.

When he finally let go, he was like a... He was like a bloody walnut.

All shrivelled away, permanently doped, no bodily controls.

That... That grand spirit... Just... Flipping

out out of the door like a whistle of smoke.

Do you love me, Tom?

Yes, Diana.

Of course I do.

Then you'll help me.

My faith or my love, eh?

Yes.

I'll do whatever you want.

Thank you.

Hello, Diana.

Oh, sorry to interrupt you, but the nurse says it's time for your little

bronchoscopy.

That's all right.

It's all right, Jane.

Let the path come in.

Come see my aunt. Thank you, miss.

Now, I... Check with Gordon and Teague, and they say that a resident minority

doctor person would be a seriously bad idea, both image and young and grand

wife. Of course, it would be better if you were from Eastern Europe, but then,

well, you can't have everything.

Now, I know that the idea of marriage is, well, maybe just a little bit too

sudden, but I was... OK, fine, great.

You want time to think.

I quite understand.

Hello, Sarah.

Come to see your old aunt?

Just as well.

She won't be here long.

Sarah! Oh, auntie. Don't call me auntie, you miserable brat.

Oh, thank goodness you're still here.

Why, what have you heard?

Oh, nothing. I saw the idiot Baines outside. He said you'd be going soon.

Oh, did he?

Yes, nothing, nothing at all. But don't just stand there like the little math

girl. You know I hate cut flowers. Bungle in the sink with the others.

Well, I haven't seen you for ages.

I must have been avoiding you.

What have you been up to?

Oh, nothing much.

My God, what on earth's that?

Well, what do you think?

You've swallowed a basketball.

Well, it's the worst case of wind I've ever seen.

Diana, I'm pregnant.

Oh, my God, how revolting.

Diana? Well, you knew I hate all those bodily functions.

You knew I heard you and Tom were quite in favour of them.

Wash your mouth out.

Now, why didn't you tell me? Oh, I wanted it to be a surprise.

Oh, it better be. I'm right off men.

You've got a funny way of showing it.

So, where is Mr Dreamboat?

He sank.

He went out the front door when the VAT man came in the back.

He's in Canada indefinitely.

Marriage shaky. End of story.

Now, I suppose this is right.

What is?

This timely addition to our somewhat limited family.

What do you mean?

It's rather like those... There's trees in Australia whose seeds only germinate

in the intense heat of a bushfire.

Ensures that life goes on.

Diana, what are you saying?

I'm not here for ingrowing toenails.

You want what, Dad?

All Marion's sleeping tablets.

Did you bring a truck?

Well, just about a hundred then or so.

Such of insomnia.

Oh, no, it's not for me.

I want to kill someone.

I thought your aura was looking a bit livid.

Oh, she's alive.

Hello, Marion.

Dad, how can I put this?

Killing people is illegal.

That's debatable, Geoffrey.

Well, not really, Dad. I think I can safely say that killing people is fairly

universally frowned on.

What about euthanasia?

Dad, it's not on, really.

You'd end up in court.

And it really wouldn't reflect too well on us here in a close, would it, Dad?

Who does he want to kill?

Diana Trent.

Catch!

So, when is it due?

Five weeks.

I'll try and make it.

Nice to see my replacement before I shove off.

Diana. I'm sorry, sorry, sorry. I shouldn't have mentioned it.

No, you'll be all right.

I've left you everything. See if you will.

I don't need anything. Well, all right then, I'll leave it in trust to a thingy

there.

I'm going to call her Diana.

That is... That is so... ployingly sentimental, I think I'm going to be

I don't suppose old Diana there will be pleased if it turns out to be a boy?

You're such a break.

Oh, for God's sake, have you stopped talking like an animated hockey stick?

I'm not here.

Dr Avery?

She's not here.

If she's looking for me, will you tell her that I'm with Dave Forbes?

That man is certifiable.

I told him I thought he was the most offensive little worm I'd ever met, and

said, worms are well known for being good husbands.

He's gone to talk to Dave Forbes.

Who's he?

The Undertaker.

Doctor? Mm -hm?

I want some straight answers.

Oh, yes.

How long have I got?

Oh, a few days should do it.

A few days?

Well, sooner if you feel up to it.

I feel up to it?

Well, there's no point occupying the bed longer than is necessary.

Oh, God forbid!

You don't muck around these days? Can't afford to.

Look, I know that to you this is just another day, another job, but do you

not being so bloody sanguine about it?

Sorry.

We are talking about my imminent demise here. We are not talking about the

arrival of the next boat on a bloody new boat.

No, we're not.

Not what?

Where do you get the idea you're dying from?

I have lung cancer.

Who says?

You did. You said I have a shadow on my lung.

I said a spot.

Well, a spot, Shadow, what's the difference?

There's a huge difference.

Shadow can cover a multitude of things.

Spot, the lesser one.

In your case, the spot probably comes from an old TB lesion and a touch of

pneumonia which the antibiotics will knock out in no time.

You mean I'm not dying?

No more than I am.

Oh, Christ.

I'll pop back in the morning.

Just a minute. Yes? You stupid, stupid, callous woman.

I beg your pardon.

You didn't explain.

You let her think she was dying just because you didn't explain. She's an

elderly lady and... But what? She wouldn't understand. She'd get confused

jargon. Look, Ingrid... You'd have explained it all to me, wouldn't you?

to her. Oh, no. Too much trouble and probably just a waste of breath.

You just can't do that.

They're not just old ducks you can pat on the head, especially not this one.

They're all still cracking along up here, you know.

Thinking...

make mistakes.

We shouldn't.

We don't mean to, but we do.

My apologies, Miss Trent.

Okay.

You've probably worked about 80 hours this week already.

Near enough.

And I did get a bit carried away.

Well, I'll see you in the morning.

Well, how did I do?

Not bad.

Of course, mind you, I'd have broken her nose as well.

What do you think the cops are here for?

They've discovered that Basil is a Colombian cocaine baron.

Diana, stop that.

These are your sleeping pills.

You're insufferable.

Sparrows couldn't swallow them anyway.

You have no gratitude.

I really don't know how God can tolerate you at all.

Yes, well, he jolly nearly didn't. If you'd got those to me a day earlier, I'd

probably be banging on the old pearly gates by now.

And being refused admission, if there were any justice.

Well, anyway, for what it's worth, thank you.

What for?

For doing what I asked.

But I didn't. But you would have.

No, I wouldn't.

I was just humouring you.

Do you mean you were lying to a dying person?

Well... You will never know, will you?

What about everything else we said?

What was that?

Tom, stop being so bloody English.

I asked you if you loved me, and you said, of course you did.

Do you take that back as well?

Oh, look, there's Harvey.

Thank you so much.

It's just a little misunderstanding.

Nice to see you.

Bye -bye for now.

How could she do this to me?

How could she humiliate me so?

What is it, Harvey?

What is it, Jane? It's a restraining order taken out by Dr. Angela Avery

forbidding me to go within five miles of her.

How could she do it?

Who could put her up to such a thing?

I can't think, Harvey.

I just can't think.

Well?

Oh, yes.

I meant that.

I do love you.