Original subtitles

Don't just stand there, you idle baggage. Open the door.

Get out of the way.

There you are, Jane.

Isn't it beautiful?

It's the most beautiful thing in my life.

Oh.

Very beautiful, Harvey.

I'll be someone now, Jane.

I'll be a young man going places.

It's very nice, Harvey. Don't touch the car!

Come on, Harvey.

Fingerprints. You know, they attract dust.

Called the wing barrier.

Drop the speed.

Well,

don't hang around, Jane. About your business.

The builders will be here soon.

You'd better go and warn the inmates.

Especially the incredibly bloody -minded ones called Diana Trent and Tom

Ballard. Yes, Harvey.

Listen, tell Diana to stop banging the tortoise around the croquet lawn.

So beautiful.

Yoo -hoo!

Oh, my God, the flannel from outer space.

Hello, Jean!

How are we today?

Same as every day, wondering what I'm doing in this place when I could be out

shoving my head through a mangle.

It's, uh, probably the, uh, you know, thingy.

The what?

You and Tom in there.

Thingy stuff.

Do you mean...

You mean sex?

Oh, Diana.

Yes. Oh, my Lord.

That's what makes you depressed.

Well, it doesn't, actually, Jane.

That quick swing through the rigging with a cutlet between my teeth had quite

the opposite effect.

No, my depression is endemic. It comes from living here in this bog at the end

of the rainbow, having to talk to fundamentalist cracker barrels like your

self. You can't fool me, Diana.

I know you're ruckus. with guilt and torment and realize that the eternal

are waiting to consume you forever and ever.

Amen.

Jane, let me speak one last word on this matter.

Of late, Tom and I have become occasional lovers when we both feel like

which ain't that often, but it's quite welcome when it happens.

Now, this is nobody's business but ours, so will you just doubt your flaming

paranoia and staple those... lips together.

And I'll do it for you.

I'll pray for you, Diana.

Well, didn't you want something?

Oh, yes.

Good news.

The board have raised enough money to build a new wing.

A new wing?

What for?

There's no room for any more in me.

Hardly swing a cat in the dining room as it is. You can eat a cat, but you can't

swing one.

The new wing is for the people who don't use the dining room.

don't use a dining room.

Or Glaswegians.

The not -for -mobile is going to be a hospital wing.

But people are not allowed to be sick here, Jane. It's so -so in the small

print. You're either alive or you're dead. No in -between.

It's all to do with these new government grants.

Apparently, the space storage efficiency ratio for the not -for -mobile is

really quite a...

You mean there is a quid in the sickies?

I'm sure it's for the best, Diana.

Yes, and I'm sure I'll probably be the first one in there.

Oh, no, never. You always look like an ox.

I mean, you look as strong as an ox.

That is because of my drugs, God bless them. What happens when they stop

working? I end up in Harvey's Hospital.

A zombified, palpitating blob thing hanging in a basket.

Oh, Diana.

All we need now is a morgue and a crematorium and this place will be

Maybe even compulsory. As soon as you hit your use -by date, you have to check

in here until you go out.

Well, in a tea caddy.

Hello, Mummy. Hello, Daddy.

Diana, you're always so depressing.

Oh, thank you, Jeannie.

He's out trying to earn some money. Oh, he's not playing his spoons in the

shopping mall again, is he?

No, no, he is trying to sell some of my paintings.

We want some money. So, I am abandoning my artistic integrity and painting the

sort of cloying crap that the local suburban drop left.

What ho?

I represent Art for the Elderly, a recently formed organisation in which

artists produce paintings to raise money to send the elderly on holidays.

Maybe you'd like to look at my pictures?

No speak English.

Sorry.

The 10th au pair this morning.

We are being overrun by hordes of...

Latter -day Vikings undermining our society by lying in the bath, running up

huge phone bills. I don't know why I have to do this for Diana. This won't

us a sketch. Yes, it'll in the Orient Express.

Hello?

I represent Arts for the Elderly, an organization whereby untalented old

do terrible pictures and send out their powers.

To flog them to the gallows.

I'm trying to have a kip. Now, shove off before I flatten you.

Don't flatten me. Flatten Diana.

To raise money to send the elderly on holiday. So, what do you think of this?

A little jam, eh?

Freddie, there's some old crook from a bogus charity trying to flog us rubbish.

Let the dog out, will you?

Hi, Tom.

Hi.

Shall I buy a new car?

Very nice.

Dreadful little man.

How did it go?

Oh, wonderful.

An armoured truck is bringing the cash round right now.

You didn't sell any of them.

Oh, I must be fibbing. Naughty Tom.

Slap, slap.

I never felt better.

Pacemakers in overdrive. I think I'll just go and surf down the Matterhorn.

What's happened to your jacket?

A dog happened to my jacket.

But you were attacked by a dog.

No, no, no, no. I just saw this nice little 18 -stone rock viola, and I

to myself, I'll rip down the back of my jacket and stuff it down his throat.

Can I get you a cup of tea?

I prefer a G and T.

Coming up.

So, what went wrong?

I don't know.

The way they cheated me, you'd think I was trying to sell their kiddies cholera

lollipops. I've had enough.

My lungs are flapping about like tired grey sails on a fog -bound lugger.

Wasn't last night, was it?

What happened last night?

Thank you, Tom.

Oh, yes, of course.

No. No, Diana.

It was not last night.

I'm not tired from the rigours of the bedroom.

I am tired from not achieving what I set out to achieve, i .e. making some dosh

for our honeymoon.

Our what?

Well, it will be our first holiday since our newfound thing of it.

Tom.

Dear Tom. Yeah? Pal. Yeah?

Lover, if you like. Oh, I do.

Becky Gable always called me nice.

Now, we agreed that we would try and take a little trip. Just as we are, as

normal. You dart me nasty.

I never said anything about something as puke -makingly spongiform as a

honeymoon.

Oh, Diana, you do have a terror.

No wonder you never married.

The idea of any sort of commitment to another human being makes you go quite

soggy -kneed with terror.

Nonsense.

I'm just too old to go around being all cutesy -pie.

Everything is just as it was, only, well, different.

The same, but different.

Right. We are contemplating a holiday, not a honeymoon.

So, would we have the same room with different beds,

Same bed or different rooms with hammocks.

We are contemplating the Orient Express.

Different bunk, same carriage.

What happens when we cross the equator?

Then we'll be in the wrong train.

We are not going anywhere, Tom. No money, no holiday.

Oh, dear, what a pity.

The Orient Express.

I haven't been on that for years.

The last time I was in the Orient Express, there was a murder. Really?

Everyone took it in turns to stab this poor little Belgian.

I was there with Ingrid Bergman at the time. I just had a little tip with Greta

Garbo. Tom.

Yes. Quit your gibbering. We cannot go.

Come on, let's go to lunch. The idiot Baines is making an announcement.

Wait a minute.

What?

My nest egg.

Your what? My nest egg.

I have a few shares tucked away. I'll get my boring son to flog them. And off

go. No, you can't do that. They're for your old age.

This is my old age.

That's it.

Off on the Oriental, choo -choo.

Champagne all the way. I'll go and see Geoffrey this afternoon.

Ah, choo -choo.

Now, I just know you're going to love these plans.

No, we're not. We're going to hate them. And why is that, Diana? Principal

Harvey, if it's an idea of yours, it must be christened as beyond belief.

I think I'll just ignore that.

Now, this area over here will be for the doctor's surgery.

Yes, Tom. What was the name of the train with the face on the front of it?

Thomas the Tank Engine.

Thank you, Basil.

I believe you had a sister, too.

The Little Pink Engine, yes. Do you mind?

Now, this area here will be for... Yes, Diana.

Who's that?

Who's who?

That's Bibb sitting next to you.

It's quite his chance for the brain -dead look in his eye. Or is he just

brother?

This is Mr Bernard O 'Hara. He is going to be our building contractor.

And I don't think it's very polite of you to call him a Spiv.

He's working for you, isn't he?

Probably wanted on five continents.

Probably a train robber. Probably builds dog kennels.

Ah, no. What is it I'm supposed to have done? Just take no notice. She just does

this to upset me.

Now, this area here is going to be the intensive care unit.

Yes, who's going to run that? Jane? Well, I'm not sure.

I really hope not. She couldn't intensive care a rabbit.

Oh, thank you, Diana.

Now, I'd like Mr.

O 'Hart to say a few words to us.

Fanny?

Hello, me old darlings.

Lovely to meet you all.

He's Swedish. You can tell by his accent.

We are, of course, going to take as much care as possible not to disturb you.

But there may occasionally be a little bit of noise and dirt. But I'm sure you

won't be minding that. And I know we're all going to get along splendidly and be

the best of friends.

Now, any questions?

What did you last build?

It was a job for Bournemouth Council, a major public building.

The new lavatories, by any chance?

Oh, so you know them.

Those are the ones down on the seafront, aren't they? That's right.

The ones with the seawall -drained corks facing the wrong way, so that when

there's a big wave at high tide, the effect is much the same as sitting on an

elephant's bidet.

Mr. De Gea, Geoffrey, you'll upset the karmic soul of the car.

Marion, I can wash the car on my own, you know.

We shall get a new car for our new consciousness.

This is a new car, dear.

Harry Palmer drives a Jaguar.

Well, it's bank robbers, dear, dear.

Why don't you go inside and rip off a quick mantra?

I hate being so poor.

Bad for my aura.

And you're never going to make much.

Thank you, dear.

Much as I love you, dear old father, well, he's not going to leave anything

worth a pinch of poo.

He has quite a nice nest egg, actually.

I've just reinvested it for him.

What in? In the new building programme at Bayview.

Investment in his future.

Which will revert to us, should he? God forbid.

Pass on.

That's right, dear.

Watto!

How lovely to see you.

We were just talking about you. Helena, what brings you here? I would like you

to sell some of my shares.

Ah.

I want my money back.

a little dung beetle.

I want my money back, the money my boy put into the hospital wing.

The money that you entrusted to some comic book paddywhacker has obviously

to the corkscrew.

I'm afraid that's not possible.

Why not?

Why?

Because... Because... Why isn't it possible, Jane?

Um... Uh... Well, it's all sort of signed and sealed.

Sealed. The funds would only be returnable if the project were

Cancelled. But that's not fair.

Life isn't fair, Tom.

Life just is.

Tom, we must confer and deliberate.

But I want to see my friend, Hercule Poirot.

Who? Come on. On the Orient Express.

Marlene Dietrich was there, too.

That was the Shanghai Express. Come on.

And Glenmeadow.

But we can't give up. This little fidget's got my money.

We are not giving up, Tom. We are regrouping and assessing the situation.

Bye, Robbie.

Come on.

Then there was the Stambull train.

Who was on that?

Donald Duck.

I drove a train once. Really? Which one?

The 347 from Basingstoke. I don't know that one. Who was in it?

I was.

I didn't know you were in movies.

I wasn't. I was a train driver.

And tanks.

Tanks? Tanks for what?

Tanks for the memory.

Tom,

shut up and Basil ditto.

I really did drive tanks in the desert against trouble.

Yes, jolly good, Basil. Tom, come over here.

He did, you know.

Splendid chap, Basil. Yes, now listen. I've drawn up a list of people that we

need to get at to have this building stopped.

Counselors, planners, et cetera. But I'll feed his chap. He comes tomorrow.

Yes, I know. That is why he is top of the list. He is coming to tea.

Oh. And he's not Swedish, Tom.

Have another.

Oh, I'd better not.

Oh, just a little one?

Ah, well, just a little one, then.

I must say, this is most kind of you. After our little meeting in the dining

room, I wasn't really sure totally whether you were on my side entirely.

Oh, yes, we realise you're just a poor, brainless pawn in the Machiavellian

games of Harvey Baines.

That's why we invited you here.

We felt it only fair to warn you. About what?

You will go bust if you work here. Harvey Baines has not paid a bill for

Is that a fact?

Oh, yes.

Every day, anguished creditors lie huddled at the gate pleading for their

Their children in rags, their wives in the workhouse, their grannies turning to

dust, their cats and dogs.

that if you go into business with Harvey Baines, you are likely to end up face

down in the pool.

Ah, this is terrible news.

Oh, yes.

Why not resign, eh? Pack it in. Get back to Stockholm.

Well, goodness.

This could flush the whole thing down the gurgler. Oh, dear. Wouldn't that be

shame? They'd have to give everyone their money back.

Have just another teensy one, Mr. O 'Hara.

Bye. Bye.

Goodbye. Goodbye.

I always thought the drunken Irishman was a hacked literary cliché. You don't

call this place real life, do you?

Ever since I came here, I feel as if I've been trapped in some ghastly

Oh!

Well, never mind.

After the cartoon comes the main feature, Tom and Diana on the Orient

Town planner first.

Uh -huh.

Do you think he'll swallow it?

Just don't go mad.

I have no record here of any ancient druid burial grounds on this site. How

do these records go back?

1726. The druids were here a long time before that.

You need the records before these, if not before those as well.

Do you have proof that this is a druid burial site?

Oh, yes. Some of my best friends are druids, and they all tell me...

Now, I have a letter here from the Lower Chorley Historical Society. That covers

Bayview. Now, their secretary, Jane Edwards, thinks the whole matter needs a

thorough investigation before a single sod is turned.

Unless that sod is Harvey Baines.

Look into it. Your country will thank you.

So will the dead druids. Shut up, Tom.

Was that letter from Jane a forgery?

Well, it was her signature.

Mind you, she did think she was signing a Save the Hedgehog petition.

Here you go.

Left hand over middle section.

Pull it back. Right hand on right lever.

Left foot, left hand on left lever. Push it forward.

What are you doing?

I'm reconnoitering a fallback position.

Why do you need so much sugar, Tom?

I'm totally knacker.

What from?

Peel off my trapeze.

I can't think why you're so tired.

It's not as if you'd do anything.

Where's Diana?

Here I am.

I'll say, you're all right.

You bet.

Hasn't she ever heard of matinees, Geoffrey?

Only at the cinema, Dad.

Don't you make the usherettes drop their torches?

You should think of your heart, Dad.

I have been.

Rest assured, my heart rejoices.

Well, we've been talking to Mr O 'Hara. Who has pulled out of the building

project, oh dear.

Who's had half a gallon of whiskey pumped out of his stomach and come out

fighting.

What do you mean?

You put the fear of God into him, so he's insisted on being paid up front,

Harvey has done.

Oh, do that in damnation. What about the druid's burial ground?

It didn't wash, Dad. Harvey marched Jane down to the planning office and got her

to refute your silly letter.

Oh, dear, Diana, we are scuppered. Nonsense.

I'm just going to go and have a shower, and then we will move on to phase two.

Sorry, Dad.

Oh, let's go, Jeffy. I need something for my migraine.

People management, that's what it's about, Jane. That's how I outwitted Tom

Diana. Oh, and confidence, of course.

Yes, Harvey.

And why am I a confident man, Jane? Because I now drive a car that says,

comes a confident man.

Here comes a GTI sort of person. Vroom, vroom.

A car that says, here's a mover and a shaker.

What a clever car, Harvey. What a clever Harvey.

Look, Jane, here's a present for my favourite girl.

Oh!

The U for my car.

It's an altimeter. It tells you how far above sea level you are.

Why do you need to know how far above sea level you are in Bournemouth? Well,

why do you think, Jane?

I don't know.

I've also got a thing that tells you how long it takes to get from here down to

the town centre.

Ten minutes.

Shut up, Jane.

Now, I'll try our local MP and...

And then we can canvass the neighbours, get them worried about property values.

No -one wants a geriatric hospital on their doorstep.

Nearly as bad as a Borsal or a Young Conservatives' Club.

What?

You're being obsessive. What do you mean?

Well, the money is committed.

The work is under way.

What are you saying?

I've just said it.

You're giving up?

No. Tom, if you give up on one battle, you will give up on the next and the

next. And the next thing you know, you'll be giving up on the final battle

checking into Stiff City for all eternity.

At least I'll get some peace.

We can't. We can't let Harvey Baines win. We can't let your miserable family

you off.

My God, if you weaken before that Marion creature, she'll have you turned into

pet food by morning.

Diana, have you ever confronted a moral dilemma? I have spent my life

confronting real dilemmas. I have always found moral dilemmas to be the

indulgence of the well -fed middle class.

Well, we have a moral dilemma here.

Oh! It is a hospital, Diana.

The thing we want to scupper is a hospital.

It is being built for vulgar profit.

You know the truth, Diana. The idea of a hospital is a good one, whoever builds

it. Can't let Baines win.

You're being very petty. Yes, well, I am very petty. When it comes to vengeance

and random nastiness, I am extraordinarily petty.

Got to get even or we are lost. Our pride will be in tatters.

I quite agree.

I'm also very annoyed with Geoffrey and Harvey. They both have to be taught a

lesson. How?

You'll see.

What?

I'm not just hot stuff in the sack, Diana.

I also have a brain as well.

Good night.

I'm really not sure about this at all.

But you said you could drive a tank.

It was 50 years ago.

Oh, I'm sure it'll all come back to you. Come on.

This isn't like a tank at all.

It's all right. I've watched them do it.

Start it up.

Oh, what a terrible noise.

Right, so let's hurry.

Now, to go forward.

Forward, yes.

Yes. Left hand to left, Eva.

Yes. Flux in.

Pull back at the gizmo there.

All right?

All right.

What?

about Dad's mummy. Don't be silly, Jeffrey.

We've done everything we can for him. We found him a lovely home. We managed all

his affairs.

Probably went sleepwalking.

I demand to know what's going on.

All right.

All right.

I know.

I know.

Harvey knows.

I know. What do you know, Harvey, apart from your name? That you warned me about

that builder.

Drunken hoodlum. He wrecked my car.

Now I'll be a nobody again, Jane.

Well, you've always been a nobody, Harvey. You invented nobodiness.

My darling car.

What happened?

Mr. O 'Hara must have got himself a bit tipsy and gone on a mad rampage with his

bulldozer.

Harvey's car.

He denied it, of course.

But I mean, who else round here can drive a bulldozer?

Anyway, you won't be seeing him again.

Oh, so you've cancelled the hospital?

No, just delayed it until we can draw up new contracts. Hard luck, Diana.

Come on.

Harvey? Yes, Diana?

If you hired the builder...

Your investment prospectus is no longer valid.

What do you mean?

I mean it's not legal.

You're going to have to give all the money back, draw up a new expensive

prospectus and hope that all your investors will come back on board.

Are you sure?

Oh, yes.

Of course, they might waive the formalities, let you get on with it with

builder. Really?

Unless somebody gets at them and tells them that you are a brain -dead

incompetent who can't wipe his own bottom without a second thought.

Then who would be that mean?

Is there anything perhaps I could do for you, Diana?

Oh, Harvey, how kind.

Well, I was thinking of just a small holiday. A little train trip with a

First class.