Original subtitles

Come along, Feety.

Come along, little birdie.

Diana, stop that.

One of these days you'll actually hit one of my sparrows and then how will you

feel? Accurate.

Oh, you're unspeakable. Well, I'm so bored.

Oh, hey -ho.

How about you, Jane? Are you bored out of your wet little mind?

About half past ten.

I see Basil the Bonker wasn't at breakfast again today.

Oh, yes.

Probably blown a fuse and caught fire.

Probably.

Mind you, I did see him and Nellie Piggott dancing naked with a headless

last night.

That's nice.

Jane!

Yes, Diana?

Why are you so obsessed with gawping at that taxi?

Who's it for?

A loose woman of the street.

A harlot. A Jezebel.

Harvey's mother.

Harvey? He's looking for a wife. Whose?

For himself.

For what he calls his further social advancement.

He's looking for a wife. What a ghastly thought.

He's not going to breathe, is he?

Oh, look, here she comes.

Well,

that looks like true love.

Poor Harvey.

Oh, dear, look who's here.

It's Geoffrey. Is his wife creature with him? I don't know, but little scarper.

I wonder what he wants. What do you think he wants? He wants his revolting

back. Well, she's not here, in fact, nor am I.

Carry him, I'm out.

Somewhere far away.

Tom?

Oh.

Dad, you're in.

Hello, Diana.

Geoffrey! Well, just barge right in, don't bother to knock, make yourself at

home, beat me about the head with an iron bar.

Your book's up, slow down.

It's Australian.

There's no coffee in your mug.

I'm dieting.

What do you want?

Have you seen my father?

He's out.

Really? Yes.

with Ernest Hemingway, big game fishing in Kenya.

I'm not interested in where his head is. I want to know where his body is.

That's how, too. He took it with him.

This is very important, Diana.

Well, he's at the dentist.

Diana, I'm not totally stupid.

Do you have a note to that effect?

I just saw Dad with you as I drove up.

Tom, we're rumbled!

Those Kenyan dentists, they're absolute hell.

Dad, that's enough.

Ah, well, as Ernest said, it was the time, it was the place, it was the upper

left molar.

Dad, you've ruined my life.

Ruined your life? What do you mean?

He means you gave birth to him.

You know damn well what I mean, Marion.

Geoffrey, in a spirit of true altruism, I introduced your highly disturbed

wife... To a highly disturbed vicar. Nonsense.

Dennis Farrow had just temporarily lost his faith.

We thought if he could drag Marion halfway back to the planet, he might

his own self -worth and stop being so damn loopy.

Halfway loopy? That vicar christened a child Ugly Little Bastard Jones.

We were just trying to help. Well, it didn't work, did it?

My wife is now in some Welsh commune with a member of the clergy.

And the rest of whom I trust.

What?

Just being gratuitously coarse, as is my wont.

Hello, Geoffrey.

I'm sure there's nothing to worry about. He's just giving her some counselling.

For five days?

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

You know what Marion's like if it's male and got a pulp.

Well, it's hardly Tom's fault if your wife is some sort of volatile hormone

which has chosen this moment to explode all over the Brecon Beacons.

If he hadn't introduced them, she would still be happily living at home looking

after her husband and children.

And when did she last do that?

That's not the point. Listen, Marion!

was clawing her way up the clanny green walls of despair and paranoia until Tom

stepped in and dropped a tennis on her. Do you mind? Oh, you know what I mean,

you great thick head.

Don't talk to me like that. All right, all right, Geoffrey, calm down.

Diana, not your tongue.

What do you want me to do, Geoffrey? I'm up and down to Manchester for a couple

of days. We're launching a new cheese slice.

Goodness, how exciting.

I need someone to look after the kids during the day.

Yes, you.

Me? That's right. It's your fault they haven't got a mother. It's the least you

can do. I'll expect you in the morning. Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Oh, the charm of a double hernia.

The children.

Well, won't that be nice?

I bet you can't even remember their names. Yes, I can.

Tarquin and Skye.

The 80s have a lot to answer for.

Oh, I'm sure it'll be a lot of fun.

Yes, you can take them out to play on the motorway.

Hit me in the face.

Oh, just a second. Just a second.

Just a second, please.

Yes, come in.

Oh, Jane, what is it?

Everything all right, Harvey?

Yes. Why should it be? I just saw Mr.

Brovolski leaving.

Oh, yes?

Will you be seeing her again?

Well, I don't know, Jane. I don't think we were entirely compatible in every

area.

Maybe you should try... English -speaking women in the future.

Just mind your own business, Jane.

Oh, I do, Harvey.

I just think you could do better than a Lithuanian circus performer.

However good she is with dancing bears.

It's very difficult, Jane. I mean, I know I'm here, Mr Wonderful, Mr

but nobody else does.

What's this?

It's an application form for an agency called Bournemouth Mon Amour.

Bournemouth Mon Amour?

The dating agent, you think?

Me?

Oh, Jane.

Janey, Jane, what do you think you're looking at here?

A man who dates a woman who prefers bears?

Just go away, will you, Jane? I can look after my own love life, thank you very

much. Very well, Harvey.

What's her name?

Christian names Harvey, Nigel, Seth.

Oh, yes, please.

Right, I'm off now. I'll take over this evening, then you come back on tomorrow

morning. Right -o, never fear. You go and launch your cheese -sliced. And if

Marion rings from the health farm, give her my love.

Will do.

Bye.

Here we are then.

What shall we do today?

Have you got a fag?

Fag?

Certainly not. Smoking isn't any bad for you.

How about a nice... Ta -ra! One of these.

Oh, glad you enjoyed them.

Mum says that you're a dirty old man.

I don't think so.

She says you stink like a dead skunk.

Does she really?

Great sense of humour, your mother.

So where do you think my mum is, then?

She's gone to the health park. No, she hasn't. She's shacked up with a brandy

vicar.

Very imaginative children.

Tell you what.

Why don't we pay Monopoly?

Why don't you ball your head?

How about going swimming, then? Have you got a car?

It's only half a mile down the road.

Call a cab, then.

Oh. All right.

Okay.

A cab.

Where's the phone?

Same place as it's always been. In the hall, Dumbo.

Dumbo.

Very spirited.

Oh,

Jane. What are we going to do about you?

It's unnatural obsession with the idiot Baines.

You just don't see the good sides of Harvey.

Well, there are no sides to a two -dimensional cardboard cutout.

Oh, God, Jane.

You could find yourself a better mate wrapped in plastic at the bottom of a

cornflakes packet.

He just needs the love of a good woman.

Just need a shotgun up the kiver.

Jane.

Jane,

I am older than you. I have travelled, lived, loved.

I am experienced as a woman.

Thank you. We don't want to hear about the men who expired in your bed.

There was only one, and he went out smiling.

Only faceless.

Anyway, Jane, the thing that I have learnt about men, women, people, is that

they do not change.

They are set by the time they are seven.

All that changes is the degree of their awfulness.

Some people mellow with old age.

Except me, of course.

I try and get worse every day.

But most people are as predictable as the withering rickety.

They are as they are.

And it is an impertinence to expect them to change just because you beam

marshmallow rays of gooey goodness at them.

Well, I think you're wrong.

I know I'm right for Harvey.

And I think it is written, Star, since time began, that one day he and I should

be one.

Oh, where's my bucket?

Jane, Jane, how are you going to cope, though, with all these awful women?

I mean, you can hardly set up a bar out of sniper fire every time a Latvian

trapeze artist comes swinging up the drive.

I didn't make him see me in a new light, a new surroundings, as a new woman.

Jane, you're not going to do something grotesque again, are you?

You'll see.

What, who?

Oh, come on in, Tom.

Better not.

Bit damp.

What on earth have you been doing?

Oh, you know, just had a little bit.

Bisprin, honey, lemon, and just a wee dash of scotch.

That should blow the head off a donkey, so it might just get through to you.

Wonderful. I think I might live again.

Right, now then, what happened?

Nothing, really.

Tom, you come home looking like an old brown dressing gown that's just mated

with an alligator and you tell me nothing's wrong?

Well, all right.

Hemingway and I had spent the afternoon bare -fist fighting when I said, last

one over the Zambezi River is a bearded old woofter.

Tom.

All right, I took the children swimming.

And they pushed you in? Of course they didn't.

Yes, they did.

Still little swine.

Just high spirits.

And where did your shoes disappear to?

Cement mixer.

Just high spirits.

What else do these high spirits lead to?

Nothing serious.

Tarquin kicked a dog.

What? A guide dog.

A guide dog?

By Jove, those things can really move.

Pity the old chap didn't let go of the lead.

And what about the little girl?

Oh, she created a stir in the post office. Kept telling everybody I was

following her, offering her sweeties. Dear God!

Oh, the police were very considerate and understanding after Geoffrey had bailed

me out.

They should have zips put down their middles and be used as pyjama bags. Oh,

Come, Diane.

They have their problems.

Marion and all that.

Must show a little tolerance. Oh, yes, yes, of course. A little tolerance.

Tom? Yes, ma 'am?

I think you might have a bit of a chill coming on.

Maybe you should stay in bed tomorrow.

Got another day with the kids?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Let me do it.

You? Yes, you know me.

I love little children.

Almost mon amour.

Oh, God, he's really thin.

Name? Bain. Harvey Nigel.

Height? It's foot two.

Interest? Indoor sports. Oh, Harvey.

Theatre? Music.

Caring for the elderly.

partner any little cracker who goes off like a rocket with

dampened

fire waiting for someone to blow upon her embers

Oh, Janey Jane.

You sure about this, Diana? Yes, of course.

I thought you didn't like children.

Oh, now, what sort of woman could not like children?

Your sort of woman.

Oh, don't forget thee unto thy cheese slices.

Why do you walk funny?

Have you got a one leg?

I have a sort of arthritis.

Yuck!

Our mum said.

Yes? Our mum said you're a diseased old nag who should have been down the glue

factory years ago.

How kind.

But she didn't tell us how ugly you are.

You've got a face like a monkey's bum.

Monkey's bum.

It's very drool.

Tarquin. What?

Come here, I've got a surprise for you. What?

No, it's a surprise. Come here. Another toss in milky white? No, no.

Now, keep still or this will hurt.

That's it now, darling.

Now, listen to me and listen

good.

I am the wicked witch of your worst nightmares.

One step out of line and I'm going to put chains on your ankles and burn you

the nearest jetty. Right, now, we are going to have... Have a nice day out.

We are going to go to a museum.

And if you are very good, we might go to a film this afternoon. If not, we shall

go down to the public library and you will learn vast chunks of Shakespeare

Chaucer before you are allowed out.

You will treat me with a great deal of respect.

You will call me Miss Trent.

If you are very lucky, you will survive this day.

If not...

say to that? I knew we were going to get along.

You're being very good children. You can have a treat now.

Stop here.

You'll love this!

Now listen to me, Marion. This really won't do.

Geoffrey needs you.

Oh, I know he's the dullest creature that ever broke wind, but when it comes

life's dismal failures, you and he go together like a horse and carriage, a

hammer and tong, a dog and a lamppost.

So why don't you stop all this ecclesiastical bouncy -bouncy, return

to the upright position and fly home immediately?

Do you understand me, Marion?

Hello, Tom, we've got a minute.

There's no point in you doing imitations of the idiot Bane.

Oh, no.

No, no, no.

I am not falling for this one again.

There.

Oh, that's very good, Marion. You even look like the idiot Bane.

It's me, Tom.

Who? The idiot Bane. Ha -ha!

Got you.

Have you finished?

Oh, yes. One big today a day is quite enough at my age.

What do you want, Harvey?

I need your help, Tom.

As you know, there is within me a bit of the Good Samaritan.

Really? Which bit?

I want to help someone, Tom.

Who? Me.

Oh!

Your Good Samaritan act is towards yourself.

Yes, that's allowed, isn't it? Oh, in your world, Harvey, I'm sure it's

compulsory. Good.

Now, I want you to go and meet someone for me.

That wasn't too bad, was it?

No, Miss Trent. In fact, we had quite a lot of fun eventually, didn't we? Yes,

Miss Trent.

It was a wonderful film, wasn't it? I bet you really enjoyed watching that

samurai climbing that sand dune for four hours, didn't you?

Yes, Miss Trent.

And the museum?

Victorian clothing exhibition was a bundle of laughs, wasn't it? Yes, Miss

Trent. Right, sit down.

Now, I know that you have both been bored to death this afternoon,

and I have done that deliberately.

Why? Because you are both so vile to your grandfather, who happens to be one

the gentlest, kindest, most well -meaning people on this planet.

Also, you cloth -headed dimwits, a man of his age is a living book, a live

if you like. It has taken him over 70 years to learn everything he knows. Just

think about that. If you had half a brain between you, you'd listen to him.

If you want to save yourself a great deal of time and trouble in this life,

listen to old people.

They have done it all before.

Now, does that make sense?

Yes, Miss Trent. So, you only treat the elderly like muck if you are a brain

-dead moron, right?

Yes, Miss Trent.

Now, I know, I know, you've had a bloody awful home life, but... Well, you've

been to school, you've read books, you've watched television.

You can't escape knowing the norms of reasonable behaviour. There's no excuses

there. No, Miss Trent. No? Well, if you are mean to your grandfather again, I

will come down like a wolf on the fold and devour you two little lambkins

straight off the bone with neither grace nor gravy.

Do you get what I'm hinting at? Yes, Miss Trent. Good.

Well, now, your father will be home soon, so I'll be off.

Miss Trent?

Yes? Can we keep the handcuffs as a souvenir?

I suppose so.

Don't use them much anymore.

Good grief, the prodigal daughter -in -law.

Hello, Tom.

How lovely to see you.

Heavens, she kissed me.

I'll never wash this cheek again.

How are you, Tom?

Well, I'm fine, but what's the point? How are you?

Wonderful.

What have you done with the Reverend Sparrow?

Dennis has decided to stay at the centre.

The what?

The New Age Centre.

Oh, that's where we've been for the last week.

Do you know about New Age, Tom?

I only know about Old Age.

I have been experiencing the extraordinary dynamics of the

transpersonal. I have been appreciating my divine place on the living organism

that is Earth.

I have been relating to other co -evolvers and untapping the vast

my inner body -mind.

Not. Bonking your brains out with a vicar.

I have been redefining my creative intention.

Learning to appreciate the God forthwithin and following the direction

comfort of joy.

Oh.

I cut my toenails on Wednesday.

We are all part of the one, Tom.

Yes. And where's your fellow metaconceptualist?

Um, I didn't know I had one.

Diana. Oh, Diana.

Boy, is she going to love this.

Diana is looking after your children.

Oh, she'll eat them.

I must get along.

My children are also very prominent within my etheric vision.

Would you like to come?

Me? Oh, no, thank you.

I have to find another poor soul who's in need of advice and help.

That would be wonderful.

But soon the entire pond will be covered by the expanding ripples.

Quite out of her mind.

Now, um, what... Oh, yes.

I am looking...

For a woman wearing a white carnation.

Hello, Jane.

Tom, what are you doing here?

I'm actually looking for a woman wearing a white carnation.

Just like yours.

Who told you to do this?

The idiot Baines, actually.

He says that she's always pestering him and he thinks that what she really needs

is an older man.

I might be on to something, eh?

You haven't seen any carnation trumpet?

No,

I have not.

Anyway, Harvey asked me to explain to whoever it is that he is not really the

man for her.

In fact, between me and you, he told me he would rather go out with a giraffe

than this particular one.

Of course, I won't tell her that. Or that he said that she was about as

attractive as an old tire.

Hello,

Jane.

You found the man of your dreams yet?

Who's that?

That's Sylvia. It's my date from the 80s.

I'm your date.

Sorry, Jane.

What's going on?

Well, you see, Jane got me to apply for a date with you.

And then changed my application.

And so she would end up with my date.

But I managed to catch her at least and change it back to you. So I ended up

with a lovely soldier here.

Then I thought I'd have an extra joke on Jane. Went along to you and got you to

turn up in my place.

Brilliant, isn't it?

Anyway,

I must be off.

Are you, uh...

Are you ready for a good time, my lovely?

It's beautiful.

Goodness,

Harvey. You obviously have a line in chat.

This must be the envy of bachelors everywhere.

What about a drink, Jane?

Oh, that's very nice, Tom.

Jolly good.

Waiter.

I say, garçon.

What's the page for Garçon, Jane?

Hello, Diana.

Everything all right?

Well, it depends on how you look at life, Geoffrey.

Sorry? Your wife is back.

Really? Is she OK?

What would you prefer, Geoffrey?

An adult flatter or a new -age puddle duck spouting gibberish?

We'll see.

I must go to her.

If Marion's back, why are you still here?

Ah, yes, well, that's the other thing I wanted to ask you, Geoffrey.

I wonder if you'd be so kind as to check your main sewage outlet for a small

brass key.