1 00:00:45,260 --> 00:00:46,360 Come along, Feety. 2 00:00:47,340 --> 00:00:48,760 Come along, little birdie. 3 00:00:50,800 --> 00:00:51,900 Diana, stop that. 4 00:00:52,240 --> 00:00:55,500 One of these days you'll actually hit one of my sparrows and then how will you 5 00:00:55,500 --> 00:00:56,500 feel? Accurate. 6 00:00:56,800 --> 00:01:01,200 Oh, you're unspeakable. Well, I'm so bored. 7 00:01:02,180 --> 00:01:03,780 Oh, hey -ho. 8 00:01:04,420 --> 00:01:07,340 How about you, Jane? Are you bored out of your wet little mind? 9 00:01:07,600 --> 00:01:09,000 About half past ten. 10 00:01:13,640 --> 00:01:16,720 I see Basil the Bonker wasn't at breakfast again today. 11 00:01:16,940 --> 00:01:17,940 Oh, yes. 12 00:01:18,660 --> 00:01:20,900 Probably blown a fuse and caught fire. 13 00:01:21,240 --> 00:01:22,240 Probably. 14 00:01:22,480 --> 00:01:26,600 Mind you, I did see him and Nellie Piggott dancing naked with a headless 15 00:01:26,600 --> 00:01:27,600 last night. 16 00:01:27,700 --> 00:01:28,700 That's nice. 17 00:01:29,280 --> 00:01:30,280 Jane! 18 00:01:30,780 --> 00:01:31,780 Yes, Diana? 19 00:01:32,100 --> 00:01:34,820 Why are you so obsessed with gawping at that taxi? 20 00:01:35,160 --> 00:01:36,139 Who's it for? 21 00:01:36,140 --> 00:01:38,040 A loose woman of the street. 22 00:01:38,280 --> 00:01:40,080 A harlot. A Jezebel. 23 00:01:40,320 --> 00:01:41,320 Harvey's mother. 24 00:01:42,000 --> 00:01:44,750 Harvey? He's looking for a wife. Whose? 25 00:01:45,130 --> 00:01:46,130 For himself. 26 00:01:46,630 --> 00:01:49,830 For what he calls his further social advancement. 27 00:01:50,410 --> 00:01:53,010 He's looking for a wife. What a ghastly thought. 28 00:01:53,590 --> 00:01:55,030 He's not going to breathe, is he? 29 00:01:55,890 --> 00:01:57,190 Oh, look, here she comes. 30 00:01:59,030 --> 00:02:00,030 Well, 31 00:02:08,470 --> 00:02:09,930 that looks like true love. 32 00:02:10,690 --> 00:02:11,890 Poor Harvey. 33 00:02:22,350 --> 00:02:23,570 Oh, dear, look who's here. 34 00:02:23,910 --> 00:02:28,690 It's Geoffrey. Is his wife creature with him? I don't know, but little scarper. 35 00:02:37,010 --> 00:02:40,190 I wonder what he wants. What do you think he wants? He wants his revolting 36 00:02:40,190 --> 00:02:42,650 back. Well, she's not here, in fact, nor am I. 37 00:02:43,290 --> 00:02:44,290 Carry him, I'm out. 38 00:02:44,410 --> 00:02:45,590 Somewhere far away. 39 00:02:46,070 --> 00:02:47,070 Tom? 40 00:02:47,610 --> 00:02:48,610 Oh. 41 00:02:51,340 --> 00:02:52,340 Dad, you're in. 42 00:02:56,740 --> 00:02:57,740 Hello, Diana. 43 00:02:58,160 --> 00:03:01,220 Geoffrey! Well, just barge right in, don't bother to knock, make yourself at 44 00:03:01,220 --> 00:03:02,940 home, beat me about the head with an iron bar. 45 00:03:04,400 --> 00:03:05,400 Your book's up, slow down. 46 00:03:06,440 --> 00:03:07,440 It's Australian. 47 00:03:09,660 --> 00:03:10,820 There's no coffee in your mug. 48 00:03:11,440 --> 00:03:12,440 I'm dieting. 49 00:03:13,900 --> 00:03:14,900 What do you want? 50 00:03:15,520 --> 00:03:16,520 Have you seen my father? 51 00:03:16,840 --> 00:03:17,840 He's out. 52 00:03:18,200 --> 00:03:19,200 Really? Yes. 53 00:03:19,480 --> 00:03:23,300 with Ernest Hemingway, big game fishing in Kenya. 54 00:03:23,920 --> 00:03:26,920 I'm not interested in where his head is. I want to know where his body is. 55 00:03:27,280 --> 00:03:28,500 That's how, too. He took it with him. 56 00:03:28,840 --> 00:03:30,820 This is very important, Diana. 57 00:03:31,980 --> 00:03:34,000 Well, he's at the dentist. 58 00:03:34,680 --> 00:03:36,340 Diana, I'm not totally stupid. 59 00:03:36,780 --> 00:03:38,080 Do you have a note to that effect? 60 00:03:38,900 --> 00:03:42,440 I just saw Dad with you as I drove up. 61 00:03:44,920 --> 00:03:46,280 Tom, we're rumbled! 62 00:03:49,200 --> 00:03:52,160 Those Kenyan dentists, they're absolute hell. 63 00:03:52,520 --> 00:03:53,520 Dad, that's enough. 64 00:03:53,920 --> 00:03:58,860 Ah, well, as Ernest said, it was the time, it was the place, it was the upper 65 00:03:58,860 --> 00:03:59,860 left molar. 66 00:04:00,000 --> 00:04:01,460 Dad, you've ruined my life. 67 00:04:02,220 --> 00:04:04,440 Ruined your life? What do you mean? 68 00:04:04,740 --> 00:04:06,360 He means you gave birth to him. 69 00:04:07,940 --> 00:04:10,260 You know damn well what I mean, Marion. 70 00:04:10,860 --> 00:04:15,180 Geoffrey, in a spirit of true altruism, I introduced your highly disturbed 71 00:04:15,180 --> 00:04:17,200 wife... To a highly disturbed vicar. Nonsense. 72 00:04:17,600 --> 00:04:19,620 Dennis Farrow had just temporarily lost his faith. 73 00:04:19,940 --> 00:04:23,620 We thought if he could drag Marion halfway back to the planet, he might 74 00:04:23,620 --> 00:04:25,760 his own self -worth and stop being so damn loopy. 75 00:04:26,000 --> 00:04:30,380 Halfway loopy? That vicar christened a child Ugly Little Bastard Jones. 76 00:04:31,320 --> 00:04:34,180 We were just trying to help. Well, it didn't work, did it? 77 00:04:34,920 --> 00:04:38,480 My wife is now in some Welsh commune with a member of the clergy. 78 00:04:38,820 --> 00:04:40,020 And the rest of whom I trust. 79 00:04:40,380 --> 00:04:41,380 What? 80 00:04:42,500 --> 00:04:45,320 Just being gratuitously coarse, as is my wont. 81 00:04:45,840 --> 00:04:46,840 Hello, Geoffrey. 82 00:04:47,270 --> 00:04:51,070 I'm sure there's nothing to worry about. He's just giving her some counselling. 83 00:04:51,250 --> 00:04:52,270 For five days? 84 00:04:52,710 --> 00:04:53,830 Oh, don't be ridiculous. 85 00:04:54,250 --> 00:04:57,150 You know what Marion's like if it's male and got a pulp. 86 00:04:57,450 --> 00:05:01,350 Well, it's hardly Tom's fault if your wife is some sort of volatile hormone 87 00:05:01,350 --> 00:05:04,650 which has chosen this moment to explode all over the Brecon Beacons. 88 00:05:04,890 --> 00:05:09,990 If he hadn't introduced them, she would still be happily living at home looking 89 00:05:09,990 --> 00:05:11,390 after her husband and children. 90 00:05:12,390 --> 00:05:14,030 And when did she last do that? 91 00:05:14,370 --> 00:05:16,070 That's not the point. Listen, Marion! 92 00:05:16,780 --> 00:05:22,180 was clawing her way up the clanny green walls of despair and paranoia until Tom 93 00:05:22,180 --> 00:05:26,520 stepped in and dropped a tennis on her. Do you mind? Oh, you know what I mean, 94 00:05:26,540 --> 00:05:27,539 you great thick head. 95 00:05:27,540 --> 00:05:30,740 Don't talk to me like that. All right, all right, Geoffrey, calm down. 96 00:05:31,000 --> 00:05:32,560 Diana, not your tongue. 97 00:05:33,060 --> 00:05:37,080 What do you want me to do, Geoffrey? I'm up and down to Manchester for a couple 98 00:05:37,080 --> 00:05:38,620 of days. We're launching a new cheese slice. 99 00:05:38,920 --> 00:05:40,180 Goodness, how exciting. 100 00:05:41,040 --> 00:05:43,460 I need someone to look after the kids during the day. 101 00:05:43,900 --> 00:05:44,960 Yes, you. 102 00:05:45,560 --> 00:05:48,780 Me? That's right. It's your fault they haven't got a mother. It's the least you 103 00:05:48,780 --> 00:05:50,340 can do. I'll expect you in the morning. Goodbye. 104 00:05:51,080 --> 00:05:52,080 Goodbye. 105 00:05:53,960 --> 00:05:56,040 Oh, the charm of a double hernia. 106 00:05:57,640 --> 00:05:58,640 The children. 107 00:05:59,820 --> 00:06:02,180 Well, won't that be nice? 108 00:06:02,440 --> 00:06:05,040 I bet you can't even remember their names. Yes, I can. 109 00:06:06,480 --> 00:06:07,580 Tarquin and Skye. 110 00:06:07,860 --> 00:06:09,780 The 80s have a lot to answer for. 111 00:06:10,580 --> 00:06:12,520 Oh, I'm sure it'll be a lot of fun. 112 00:06:12,800 --> 00:06:14,760 Yes, you can take them out to play on the motorway. 113 00:06:18,280 --> 00:06:19,280 Hit me in the face. 114 00:06:20,400 --> 00:06:22,820 Oh, just a second. Just a second. 115 00:06:23,360 --> 00:06:25,060 Just a second, please. 116 00:06:26,420 --> 00:06:27,780 Yes, come in. 117 00:06:28,920 --> 00:06:30,480 Oh, Jane, what is it? 118 00:06:31,140 --> 00:06:32,680 Everything all right, Harvey? 119 00:06:33,040 --> 00:06:36,040 Yes. Why should it be? I just saw Mr. 120 00:06:36,360 --> 00:06:37,380 Brovolski leaving. 121 00:06:38,160 --> 00:06:39,160 Oh, yes? 122 00:06:39,580 --> 00:06:41,260 Will you be seeing her again? 123 00:06:41,820 --> 00:06:45,140 Well, I don't know, Jane. I don't think we were entirely compatible in every 124 00:06:45,140 --> 00:06:46,140 area. 125 00:06:46,240 --> 00:06:49,880 Maybe you should try... English -speaking women in the future. 126 00:06:50,440 --> 00:06:52,280 Just mind your own business, Jane. 127 00:06:52,520 --> 00:06:53,900 Oh, I do, Harvey. 128 00:06:54,300 --> 00:06:57,800 I just think you could do better than a Lithuanian circus performer. 129 00:06:58,820 --> 00:07:01,080 However good she is with dancing bears. 130 00:07:01,520 --> 00:07:06,680 It's very difficult, Jane. I mean, I know I'm here, Mr Wonderful, Mr 131 00:07:06,780 --> 00:07:08,180 but nobody else does. 132 00:07:09,540 --> 00:07:10,540 What's this? 133 00:07:10,700 --> 00:07:15,460 It's an application form for an agency called Bournemouth Mon Amour. 134 00:07:15,760 --> 00:07:16,760 Bournemouth Mon Amour? 135 00:07:17,840 --> 00:07:19,380 The dating agent, you think? 136 00:07:20,060 --> 00:07:21,060 Me? 137 00:07:21,260 --> 00:07:22,620 Oh, Jane. 138 00:07:23,620 --> 00:07:25,960 Janey, Jane, what do you think you're looking at here? 139 00:07:26,460 --> 00:07:29,480 A man who dates a woman who prefers bears? 140 00:07:30,080 --> 00:07:33,560 Just go away, will you, Jane? I can look after my own love life, thank you very 141 00:07:33,560 --> 00:07:35,200 much. Very well, Harvey. 142 00:07:42,580 --> 00:07:45,760 What's her name? 143 00:07:48,460 --> 00:07:54,040 Christian names Harvey, Nigel, Seth. 144 00:07:55,720 --> 00:07:56,720 Oh, yes, please. 145 00:08:00,260 --> 00:08:03,180 Right, I'm off now. I'll take over this evening, then you come back on tomorrow 146 00:08:03,180 --> 00:08:07,540 morning. Right -o, never fear. You go and launch your cheese -sliced. And if 147 00:08:07,540 --> 00:08:11,900 Marion rings from the health farm, give her my love. 148 00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:13,059 Will do. 149 00:08:13,060 --> 00:08:14,060 Bye. 150 00:08:20,560 --> 00:08:21,560 Here we are then. 151 00:08:23,220 --> 00:08:24,380 What shall we do today? 152 00:08:24,760 --> 00:08:25,760 Have you got a fag? 153 00:08:27,060 --> 00:08:28,060 Fag? 154 00:08:28,280 --> 00:08:30,520 Certainly not. Smoking isn't any bad for you. 155 00:08:31,160 --> 00:08:35,260 How about a nice... Ta -ra! One of these. 156 00:08:37,340 --> 00:08:39,240 Oh, glad you enjoyed them. 157 00:08:40,740 --> 00:08:42,940 Mum says that you're a dirty old man. 158 00:08:44,940 --> 00:08:46,320 I don't think so. 159 00:08:46,860 --> 00:08:49,100 She says you stink like a dead skunk. 160 00:08:50,320 --> 00:08:51,320 Does she really? 161 00:08:52,900 --> 00:08:54,480 Great sense of humour, your mother. 162 00:08:55,620 --> 00:08:57,700 So where do you think my mum is, then? 163 00:08:57,960 --> 00:09:01,460 She's gone to the health park. No, she hasn't. She's shacked up with a brandy 164 00:09:01,460 --> 00:09:02,460 vicar. 165 00:09:04,260 --> 00:09:05,820 Very imaginative children. 166 00:09:07,020 --> 00:09:08,020 Tell you what. 167 00:09:08,700 --> 00:09:10,860 Why don't we pay Monopoly? 168 00:09:11,280 --> 00:09:13,240 Why don't you ball your head? 169 00:09:15,720 --> 00:09:18,220 How about going swimming, then? Have you got a car? 170 00:09:20,250 --> 00:09:21,490 It's only half a mile down the road. 171 00:09:21,770 --> 00:09:22,770 Call a cab, then. 172 00:09:23,050 --> 00:09:24,610 Oh. All right. 173 00:09:25,450 --> 00:09:26,450 Okay. 174 00:09:27,390 --> 00:09:28,390 A cab. 175 00:09:29,590 --> 00:09:30,590 Where's the phone? 176 00:09:30,750 --> 00:09:34,130 Same place as it's always been. In the hall, Dumbo. 177 00:09:35,150 --> 00:09:36,150 Dumbo. 178 00:09:37,290 --> 00:09:38,830 Very spirited. 179 00:09:40,090 --> 00:09:41,090 Oh, 180 00:09:45,670 --> 00:09:47,810 Jane. What are we going to do about you? 181 00:09:48,270 --> 00:09:50,450 It's unnatural obsession with the idiot Baines. 182 00:09:50,930 --> 00:09:53,730 You just don't see the good sides of Harvey. 183 00:09:54,070 --> 00:09:56,810 Well, there are no sides to a two -dimensional cardboard cutout. 184 00:09:57,770 --> 00:09:59,030 Oh, God, Jane. 185 00:09:59,270 --> 00:10:02,230 You could find yourself a better mate wrapped in plastic at the bottom of a 186 00:10:02,230 --> 00:10:03,230 cornflakes packet. 187 00:10:03,430 --> 00:10:05,990 He just needs the love of a good woman. 188 00:10:06,330 --> 00:10:07,690 Just need a shotgun up the kiver. 189 00:10:08,090 --> 00:10:09,090 Jane. 190 00:10:09,990 --> 00:10:10,990 Jane, 191 00:10:11,630 --> 00:10:15,150 I am older than you. I have travelled, lived, loved. 192 00:10:15,650 --> 00:10:17,670 I am experienced as a woman. 193 00:10:18,140 --> 00:10:21,760 Thank you. We don't want to hear about the men who expired in your bed. 194 00:10:22,680 --> 00:10:25,080 There was only one, and he went out smiling. 195 00:10:25,540 --> 00:10:27,040 Only faceless. 196 00:10:27,520 --> 00:10:31,760 Anyway, Jane, the thing that I have learnt about men, women, people, is that 197 00:10:31,760 --> 00:10:32,920 they do not change. 198 00:10:33,320 --> 00:10:35,440 They are set by the time they are seven. 199 00:10:35,800 --> 00:10:38,840 All that changes is the degree of their awfulness. 200 00:10:39,980 --> 00:10:42,980 Some people mellow with old age. 201 00:10:44,060 --> 00:10:45,160 Except me, of course. 202 00:10:46,890 --> 00:10:48,410 I try and get worse every day. 203 00:10:48,970 --> 00:10:52,250 But most people are as predictable as the withering rickety. 204 00:10:52,790 --> 00:10:54,850 They are as they are. 205 00:10:55,130 --> 00:10:58,610 And it is an impertinence to expect them to change just because you beam 206 00:10:58,610 --> 00:11:01,290 marshmallow rays of gooey goodness at them. 207 00:11:01,490 --> 00:11:02,790 Well, I think you're wrong. 208 00:11:03,550 --> 00:11:05,610 I know I'm right for Harvey. 209 00:11:05,850 --> 00:11:12,050 And I think it is written, Star, since time began, that one day he and I should 210 00:11:12,050 --> 00:11:12,909 be one. 211 00:11:12,910 --> 00:11:14,490 Oh, where's my bucket? 212 00:11:17,009 --> 00:11:20,310 Jane, Jane, how are you going to cope, though, with all these awful women? 213 00:11:20,670 --> 00:11:24,150 I mean, you can hardly set up a bar out of sniper fire every time a Latvian 214 00:11:24,150 --> 00:11:26,130 trapeze artist comes swinging up the drive. 215 00:11:26,650 --> 00:11:33,630 I didn't make him see me in a new light, a new surroundings, as a new woman. 216 00:11:33,750 --> 00:11:37,790 Jane, you're not going to do something grotesque again, are you? 217 00:11:38,130 --> 00:11:39,130 You'll see. 218 00:11:39,350 --> 00:11:40,350 What, who? 219 00:11:40,490 --> 00:11:41,670 Oh, come on in, Tom. 220 00:11:42,350 --> 00:11:43,350 Better not. 221 00:11:44,090 --> 00:11:45,090 Bit damp. 222 00:11:52,010 --> 00:11:53,010 What on earth have you been doing? 223 00:11:53,330 --> 00:11:55,730 Oh, you know, just had a little bit. 224 00:12:05,130 --> 00:12:10,150 Bisprin, honey, lemon, and just a wee dash of scotch. 225 00:12:13,630 --> 00:12:17,930 That should blow the head off a donkey, so it might just get through to you. 226 00:12:22,739 --> 00:12:24,660 Wonderful. I think I might live again. 227 00:12:24,980 --> 00:12:27,240 Right, now then, what happened? 228 00:12:27,760 --> 00:12:28,760 Nothing, really. 229 00:12:29,260 --> 00:12:33,140 Tom, you come home looking like an old brown dressing gown that's just mated 230 00:12:33,140 --> 00:12:34,900 with an alligator and you tell me nothing's wrong? 231 00:12:35,140 --> 00:12:36,140 Well, all right. 232 00:12:37,360 --> 00:12:41,680 Hemingway and I had spent the afternoon bare -fist fighting when I said, last 233 00:12:41,680 --> 00:12:44,800 one over the Zambezi River is a bearded old woofter. 234 00:12:45,800 --> 00:12:46,800 Tom. 235 00:12:48,360 --> 00:12:50,000 All right, I took the children swimming. 236 00:12:50,510 --> 00:12:52,410 And they pushed you in? Of course they didn't. 237 00:12:53,310 --> 00:12:54,370 Yes, they did. 238 00:12:54,590 --> 00:12:56,130 Still little swine. 239 00:12:56,330 --> 00:12:57,330 Just high spirits. 240 00:12:58,410 --> 00:13:00,250 And where did your shoes disappear to? 241 00:13:01,170 --> 00:13:02,170 Cement mixer. 242 00:13:02,710 --> 00:13:03,850 Just high spirits. 243 00:13:04,190 --> 00:13:06,470 What else do these high spirits lead to? 244 00:13:07,630 --> 00:13:08,670 Nothing serious. 245 00:13:09,330 --> 00:13:10,610 Tarquin kicked a dog. 246 00:13:10,850 --> 00:13:12,770 What? A guide dog. 247 00:13:13,090 --> 00:13:14,090 A guide dog? 248 00:13:14,230 --> 00:13:16,810 By Jove, those things can really move. 249 00:13:17,530 --> 00:13:19,550 Pity the old chap didn't let go of the lead. 250 00:13:20,650 --> 00:13:21,930 And what about the little girl? 251 00:13:22,250 --> 00:13:26,170 Oh, she created a stir in the post office. Kept telling everybody I was 252 00:13:26,170 --> 00:13:28,990 following her, offering her sweeties. Dear God! 253 00:13:29,430 --> 00:13:33,730 Oh, the police were very considerate and understanding after Geoffrey had bailed 254 00:13:33,730 --> 00:13:34,730 me out. 255 00:13:35,130 --> 00:13:39,210 They should have zips put down their middles and be used as pyjama bags. Oh, 256 00:13:39,930 --> 00:13:40,930 Come, Diane. 257 00:13:41,170 --> 00:13:42,310 They have their problems. 258 00:13:42,590 --> 00:13:43,590 Marion and all that. 259 00:13:44,110 --> 00:13:47,970 Must show a little tolerance. Oh, yes, yes, of course. A little tolerance. 260 00:13:49,970 --> 00:13:51,370 Tom? Yes, ma 'am? 261 00:13:51,770 --> 00:13:54,570 I think you might have a bit of a chill coming on. 262 00:13:54,870 --> 00:13:56,210 Maybe you should stay in bed tomorrow. 263 00:13:56,630 --> 00:13:57,990 Got another day with the kids? 264 00:13:58,190 --> 00:13:59,850 Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Let me do it. 265 00:14:01,890 --> 00:14:04,190 You? Yes, you know me. 266 00:14:04,430 --> 00:14:05,910 I love little children. 267 00:14:20,590 --> 00:14:21,590 Almost mon amour. 268 00:14:26,850 --> 00:14:29,110 Oh, God, he's really thin. 269 00:14:29,590 --> 00:14:32,630 Name? Bain. Harvey Nigel. 270 00:14:32,830 --> 00:14:34,950 Height? It's foot two. 271 00:14:36,910 --> 00:14:40,750 Interest? Indoor sports. Oh, Harvey. 272 00:14:42,550 --> 00:14:44,210 Theatre? Music. 273 00:14:45,550 --> 00:14:48,050 Caring for the elderly. 274 00:14:51,560 --> 00:14:58,100 partner any little cracker who goes off like a rocket with 275 00:14:58,100 --> 00:15:11,740 dampened 276 00:15:11,740 --> 00:15:18,160 fire waiting for someone to blow upon her embers 277 00:15:46,600 --> 00:15:47,600 Oh, Janey Jane. 278 00:15:49,120 --> 00:15:51,340 You sure about this, Diana? Yes, of course. 279 00:15:51,800 --> 00:15:53,140 I thought you didn't like children. 280 00:15:53,400 --> 00:15:55,920 Oh, now, what sort of woman could not like children? 281 00:15:56,460 --> 00:15:57,520 Your sort of woman. 282 00:15:57,800 --> 00:16:00,740 Oh, don't forget thee unto thy cheese slices. 283 00:16:05,680 --> 00:16:07,100 Why do you walk funny? 284 00:16:07,320 --> 00:16:08,760 Have you got a one leg? 285 00:16:09,740 --> 00:16:11,660 I have a sort of arthritis. 286 00:16:12,380 --> 00:16:13,380 Yuck! 287 00:16:13,850 --> 00:16:14,850 Our mum said. 288 00:16:15,110 --> 00:16:19,030 Yes? Our mum said you're a diseased old nag who should have been down the glue 289 00:16:19,030 --> 00:16:20,170 factory years ago. 290 00:16:21,370 --> 00:16:22,370 How kind. 291 00:16:22,790 --> 00:16:24,770 But she didn't tell us how ugly you are. 292 00:16:24,990 --> 00:16:27,250 You've got a face like a monkey's bum. 293 00:16:30,210 --> 00:16:31,210 Monkey's bum. 294 00:16:32,070 --> 00:16:33,190 It's very drool. 295 00:16:34,470 --> 00:16:35,470 Tarquin. What? 296 00:16:35,670 --> 00:16:37,650 Come here, I've got a surprise for you. What? 297 00:16:37,890 --> 00:16:41,430 No, it's a surprise. Come here. Another toss in milky white? No, no. 298 00:16:44,460 --> 00:16:47,540 Now, keep still or this will hurt. 299 00:16:48,760 --> 00:16:50,160 That's it now, darling. 300 00:16:50,560 --> 00:16:57,500 Now, listen to me and listen 301 00:16:57,500 --> 00:16:58,500 good. 302 00:16:58,880 --> 00:17:03,640 I am the wicked witch of your worst nightmares. 303 00:17:04,819 --> 00:17:08,940 One step out of line and I'm going to put chains on your ankles and burn you 304 00:17:08,940 --> 00:17:15,770 the nearest jetty. Right, now, we are going to have... Have a nice day out. 305 00:17:16,369 --> 00:17:18,569 We are going to go to a museum. 306 00:17:19,329 --> 00:17:24,270 And if you are very good, we might go to a film this afternoon. If not, we shall 307 00:17:24,270 --> 00:17:28,089 go down to the public library and you will learn vast chunks of Shakespeare 308 00:17:28,089 --> 00:17:29,570 Chaucer before you are allowed out. 309 00:17:30,170 --> 00:17:33,750 You will treat me with a great deal of respect. 310 00:17:34,170 --> 00:17:35,690 You will call me Miss Trent. 311 00:17:36,130 --> 00:17:39,270 If you are very lucky, you will survive this day. 312 00:17:39,490 --> 00:17:40,510 If not... 313 00:17:43,240 --> 00:17:47,000 say to that? I knew we were going to get along. 314 00:18:06,640 --> 00:18:10,000 You're being very good children. You can have a treat now. 315 00:18:10,740 --> 00:18:11,740 Stop here. 316 00:18:30,440 --> 00:18:31,500 You'll love this! 317 00:18:40,520 --> 00:18:44,260 Now listen to me, Marion. This really won't do. 318 00:18:44,480 --> 00:18:45,480 Geoffrey needs you. 319 00:18:45,900 --> 00:18:49,780 Oh, I know he's the dullest creature that ever broke wind, but when it comes 320 00:18:49,780 --> 00:18:53,660 life's dismal failures, you and he go together like a horse and carriage, a 321 00:18:53,660 --> 00:18:55,920 hammer and tong, a dog and a lamppost. 322 00:18:56,240 --> 00:19:01,320 So why don't you stop all this ecclesiastical bouncy -bouncy, return 323 00:19:01,320 --> 00:19:03,700 to the upright position and fly home immediately? 324 00:19:05,220 --> 00:19:07,080 Do you understand me, Marion? 325 00:19:08,240 --> 00:19:09,580 Hello, Tom, we've got a minute. 326 00:19:11,580 --> 00:19:15,080 There's no point in you doing imitations of the idiot Bane. 327 00:19:17,310 --> 00:19:18,310 Oh, no. 328 00:19:18,390 --> 00:19:19,710 No, no, no. 329 00:19:20,450 --> 00:19:22,710 I am not falling for this one again. 330 00:19:24,510 --> 00:19:25,510 There. 331 00:19:26,430 --> 00:19:30,250 Oh, that's very good, Marion. You even look like the idiot Bane. 332 00:19:31,270 --> 00:19:32,270 It's me, Tom. 333 00:19:32,830 --> 00:19:34,870 Who? The idiot Bane. Ha -ha! 334 00:19:35,870 --> 00:19:36,870 Got you. 335 00:19:37,370 --> 00:19:38,830 Have you finished? 336 00:19:39,130 --> 00:19:41,830 Oh, yes. One big today a day is quite enough at my age. 337 00:19:42,510 --> 00:19:44,210 What do you want, Harvey? 338 00:19:44,800 --> 00:19:45,840 I need your help, Tom. 339 00:19:47,080 --> 00:19:50,040 As you know, there is within me a bit of the Good Samaritan. 340 00:19:50,440 --> 00:19:52,040 Really? Which bit? 341 00:19:53,420 --> 00:19:55,220 I want to help someone, Tom. 342 00:19:55,420 --> 00:19:56,379 Who? Me. 343 00:19:56,380 --> 00:19:57,380 Oh! 344 00:19:57,640 --> 00:20:00,020 Your Good Samaritan act is towards yourself. 345 00:20:00,720 --> 00:20:04,780 Yes, that's allowed, isn't it? Oh, in your world, Harvey, I'm sure it's 346 00:20:04,780 --> 00:20:06,080 compulsory. Good. 347 00:20:07,100 --> 00:20:09,400 Now, I want you to go and meet someone for me. 348 00:20:11,020 --> 00:20:13,320 That wasn't too bad, was it? 349 00:20:13,740 --> 00:20:17,400 No, Miss Trent. In fact, we had quite a lot of fun eventually, didn't we? Yes, 350 00:20:17,420 --> 00:20:18,179 Miss Trent. 351 00:20:18,180 --> 00:20:21,680 It was a wonderful film, wasn't it? I bet you really enjoyed watching that 352 00:20:21,680 --> 00:20:24,040 samurai climbing that sand dune for four hours, didn't you? 353 00:20:24,300 --> 00:20:25,179 Yes, Miss Trent. 354 00:20:25,180 --> 00:20:26,180 And the museum? 355 00:20:26,760 --> 00:20:29,980 Victorian clothing exhibition was a bundle of laughs, wasn't it? Yes, Miss 356 00:20:29,980 --> 00:20:31,720 Trent. Right, sit down. 357 00:20:33,480 --> 00:20:39,560 Now, I know that you have both been bored to death this afternoon, 358 00:20:39,680 --> 00:20:41,940 and I have done that deliberately. 359 00:20:42,830 --> 00:20:49,230 Why? Because you are both so vile to your grandfather, who happens to be one 360 00:20:49,230 --> 00:20:52,690 the gentlest, kindest, most well -meaning people on this planet. 361 00:20:53,370 --> 00:20:59,810 Also, you cloth -headed dimwits, a man of his age is a living book, a live 362 00:20:59,910 --> 00:21:04,290 if you like. It has taken him over 70 years to learn everything he knows. Just 363 00:21:04,290 --> 00:21:08,050 think about that. If you had half a brain between you, you'd listen to him. 364 00:21:08,680 --> 00:21:11,940 If you want to save yourself a great deal of time and trouble in this life, 365 00:21:12,000 --> 00:21:13,520 listen to old people. 366 00:21:13,720 --> 00:21:15,160 They have done it all before. 367 00:21:15,760 --> 00:21:16,780 Now, does that make sense? 368 00:21:17,160 --> 00:21:21,660 Yes, Miss Trent. So, you only treat the elderly like muck if you are a brain 369 00:21:21,660 --> 00:21:22,820 -dead moron, right? 370 00:21:23,160 --> 00:21:24,160 Yes, Miss Trent. 371 00:21:24,520 --> 00:21:29,000 Now, I know, I know, you've had a bloody awful home life, but... Well, you've 372 00:21:29,000 --> 00:21:32,000 been to school, you've read books, you've watched television. 373 00:21:32,540 --> 00:21:36,400 You can't escape knowing the norms of reasonable behaviour. There's no excuses 374 00:21:36,400 --> 00:21:41,200 there. No, Miss Trent. No? Well, if you are mean to your grandfather again, I 375 00:21:41,200 --> 00:21:45,320 will come down like a wolf on the fold and devour you two little lambkins 376 00:21:45,320 --> 00:21:47,880 straight off the bone with neither grace nor gravy. 377 00:21:49,920 --> 00:21:52,700 Do you get what I'm hinting at? Yes, Miss Trent. Good. 378 00:21:53,480 --> 00:21:56,500 Well, now, your father will be home soon, so I'll be off. 379 00:21:57,860 --> 00:21:58,759 Miss Trent? 380 00:21:58,760 --> 00:22:00,820 Yes? Can we keep the handcuffs as a souvenir? 381 00:22:01,260 --> 00:22:02,260 I suppose so. 382 00:22:02,840 --> 00:22:04,100 Don't use them much anymore. 383 00:22:10,120 --> 00:22:12,420 Good grief, the prodigal daughter -in -law. 384 00:22:12,900 --> 00:22:13,900 Hello, Tom. 385 00:22:14,380 --> 00:22:15,980 How lovely to see you. 386 00:22:18,680 --> 00:22:20,540 Heavens, she kissed me. 387 00:22:21,280 --> 00:22:23,200 I'll never wash this cheek again. 388 00:22:23,940 --> 00:22:25,180 How are you, Tom? 389 00:22:25,760 --> 00:22:28,040 Well, I'm fine, but what's the point? How are you? 390 00:22:30,780 --> 00:22:31,780 Wonderful. 391 00:22:32,200 --> 00:22:34,300 What have you done with the Reverend Sparrow? 392 00:22:34,580 --> 00:22:36,980 Dennis has decided to stay at the centre. 393 00:22:37,380 --> 00:22:38,379 The what? 394 00:22:38,380 --> 00:22:39,440 The New Age Centre. 395 00:22:40,010 --> 00:22:41,770 Oh, that's where we've been for the last week. 396 00:22:42,050 --> 00:22:44,050 Do you know about New Age, Tom? 397 00:22:44,770 --> 00:22:46,410 I only know about Old Age. 398 00:22:47,410 --> 00:22:53,230 I have been experiencing the extraordinary dynamics of the 399 00:22:53,230 --> 00:22:59,270 transpersonal. I have been appreciating my divine place on the living organism 400 00:22:59,270 --> 00:23:00,270 that is Earth. 401 00:23:00,450 --> 00:23:06,190 I have been relating to other co -evolvers and untapping the vast 402 00:23:06,190 --> 00:23:07,350 my inner body -mind. 403 00:23:08,670 --> 00:23:11,190 Not. Bonking your brains out with a vicar. 404 00:23:13,190 --> 00:23:17,130 I have been redefining my creative intention. 405 00:23:17,610 --> 00:23:23,450 Learning to appreciate the God forthwithin and following the direction 406 00:23:23,450 --> 00:23:24,450 comfort of joy. 407 00:23:24,750 --> 00:23:25,750 Oh. 408 00:23:27,230 --> 00:23:30,130 I cut my toenails on Wednesday. 409 00:23:31,850 --> 00:23:33,970 We are all part of the one, Tom. 410 00:23:34,510 --> 00:23:37,850 Yes. And where's your fellow metaconceptualist? 411 00:23:38,160 --> 00:23:40,080 Um, I didn't know I had one. 412 00:23:40,680 --> 00:23:43,000 Diana. Oh, Diana. 413 00:23:44,900 --> 00:23:46,640 Boy, is she going to love this. 414 00:23:47,840 --> 00:23:50,040 Diana is looking after your children. 415 00:23:50,240 --> 00:23:51,480 Oh, she'll eat them. 416 00:23:52,420 --> 00:23:54,260 I must get along. 417 00:23:54,460 --> 00:23:58,600 My children are also very prominent within my etheric vision. 418 00:23:59,100 --> 00:24:00,320 Would you like to come? 419 00:24:00,600 --> 00:24:03,380 Me? Oh, no, thank you. 420 00:24:04,330 --> 00:24:09,130 I have to find another poor soul who's in need of advice and help. 421 00:24:09,470 --> 00:24:10,690 That would be wonderful. 422 00:24:11,310 --> 00:24:16,010 But soon the entire pond will be covered by the expanding ripples. 423 00:24:21,330 --> 00:24:24,390 Quite out of her mind. 424 00:24:25,950 --> 00:24:28,890 Now, um, what... Oh, yes. 425 00:24:29,510 --> 00:24:30,970 I am looking... 426 00:24:31,920 --> 00:24:34,200 For a woman wearing a white carnation. 427 00:24:42,260 --> 00:24:48,940 Hello, Jane. 428 00:24:50,100 --> 00:24:52,560 Tom, what are you doing here? 429 00:24:53,400 --> 00:24:56,180 I'm actually looking for a woman wearing a white carnation. 430 00:24:59,120 --> 00:25:00,380 Just like yours. 431 00:25:01,320 --> 00:25:02,680 Who told you to do this? 432 00:25:02,960 --> 00:25:04,440 The idiot Baines, actually. 433 00:25:04,660 --> 00:25:08,560 He says that she's always pestering him and he thinks that what she really needs 434 00:25:08,560 --> 00:25:09,560 is an older man. 435 00:25:09,640 --> 00:25:11,420 I might be on to something, eh? 436 00:25:12,960 --> 00:25:15,140 You haven't seen any carnation trumpet? 437 00:25:16,180 --> 00:25:17,180 No, 438 00:25:19,340 --> 00:25:20,340 I have not. 439 00:25:20,680 --> 00:25:24,700 Anyway, Harvey asked me to explain to whoever it is that he is not really the 440 00:25:24,700 --> 00:25:25,700 man for her. 441 00:25:25,930 --> 00:25:29,490 In fact, between me and you, he told me he would rather go out with a giraffe 442 00:25:29,490 --> 00:25:30,990 than this particular one. 443 00:25:32,590 --> 00:25:37,390 Of course, I won't tell her that. Or that he said that she was about as 444 00:25:37,390 --> 00:25:38,550 attractive as an old tire. 445 00:25:45,470 --> 00:25:46,470 Hello, 446 00:25:48,110 --> 00:25:49,089 Jane. 447 00:25:49,090 --> 00:25:50,990 You found the man of your dreams yet? 448 00:25:52,290 --> 00:25:53,290 Who's that? 449 00:25:53,730 --> 00:25:55,770 That's Sylvia. It's my date from the 80s. 450 00:25:57,000 --> 00:25:58,000 I'm your date. 451 00:25:58,580 --> 00:25:59,580 Sorry, Jane. 452 00:25:59,760 --> 00:26:00,760 What's going on? 453 00:26:01,920 --> 00:26:06,260 Well, you see, Jane got me to apply for a date with you. 454 00:26:06,920 --> 00:26:08,180 And then changed my application. 455 00:26:08,580 --> 00:26:10,020 And so she would end up with my date. 456 00:26:10,320 --> 00:26:13,180 But I managed to catch her at least and change it back to you. So I ended up 457 00:26:13,180 --> 00:26:14,300 with a lovely soldier here. 458 00:26:14,820 --> 00:26:18,880 Then I thought I'd have an extra joke on Jane. Went along to you and got you to 459 00:26:18,880 --> 00:26:19,880 turn up in my place. 460 00:26:21,100 --> 00:26:22,099 Brilliant, isn't it? 461 00:26:22,100 --> 00:26:23,100 Anyway, 462 00:26:23,220 --> 00:26:24,220 I must be off. 463 00:26:24,400 --> 00:26:25,400 Are you, uh... 464 00:26:25,680 --> 00:26:27,260 Are you ready for a good time, my lovely? 465 00:26:28,160 --> 00:26:29,180 It's beautiful. 466 00:26:31,900 --> 00:26:32,900 Goodness, 467 00:26:35,380 --> 00:26:37,600 Harvey. You obviously have a line in chat. 468 00:26:37,940 --> 00:26:40,000 This must be the envy of bachelors everywhere. 469 00:26:40,740 --> 00:26:41,940 What about a drink, Jane? 470 00:26:42,220 --> 00:26:43,760 Oh, that's very nice, Tom. 471 00:26:44,280 --> 00:26:45,280 Jolly good. 472 00:26:47,640 --> 00:26:48,640 Waiter. 473 00:26:49,780 --> 00:26:51,820 I say, garçon. 474 00:26:54,230 --> 00:26:55,710 What's the page for Garçon, Jane? 475 00:27:06,830 --> 00:27:07,830 Hello, Diana. 476 00:27:08,330 --> 00:27:09,289 Everything all right? 477 00:27:09,290 --> 00:27:11,250 Well, it depends on how you look at life, Geoffrey. 478 00:27:11,590 --> 00:27:13,310 Sorry? Your wife is back. 479 00:27:13,950 --> 00:27:14,950 Really? Is she OK? 480 00:27:15,070 --> 00:27:16,250 What would you prefer, Geoffrey? 481 00:27:16,550 --> 00:27:19,870 An adult flatter or a new -age puddle duck spouting gibberish? 482 00:27:20,870 --> 00:27:21,629 We'll see. 483 00:27:21,630 --> 00:27:22,630 I must go to her. 484 00:27:25,460 --> 00:27:27,160 If Marion's back, why are you still here? 485 00:27:27,720 --> 00:27:30,940 Ah, yes, well, that's the other thing I wanted to ask you, Geoffrey. 486 00:27:31,620 --> 00:27:35,640 I wonder if you'd be so kind as to check your main sewage outlet for a small 487 00:27:35,640 --> 00:27:36,640 brass key.