Original subtitles

Play now, pay later, join the 18 to 30 club.

Oh, just the ticket.

Don't be so silly, Tom. For you, they'd need a 70 to dead club.

What a terrible idea. Money back if you conk out before take -off. All wind

servers equipped with walking frames, complimentary oxygen in every room.

That's enough, Diana.

No, you and I ought to go to some of these resorts.

Parade naked up and down the beaches with placards saying, hello, young

we are your future.

That is quite appalling. No, it isn't.

Why do you always have to disagree with me?

What? One should always disagree with everyone about everything on principle.

Conflict is what keeps you alive.

By what, Paul?

What, to disagree with people? I've just said that. Don't you ever listen to me?

You disagree with people to keep alive, to disagree with people. Yes.

Having a conversation with you is like jumping off a cliff.

However exhilarating it is to start with, you know there's going to come a

when you're really going to regret it.

Diana. Oh, hello, Jane. Please don't bother to knock. Just barge right in. I

don't mind.

I know there is no privacy in a glue factory.

So sorry.

Would you like me to go out again?

What do you want?

What? Why are you here?

Why are we all here?

In fact, Are we here at all?

Or are we all not quite here?

Jane, why are you here?

I work here.

Oh, you mean why am I here?

Oh, yes, I remember now.

Have you taken your pill?

You know, your pill.

What do you mean, my steroids? Yes.

I've been successfully remembering to take them for the past eight years.

Steroids? Are you having a sex change?

Just mind your own business.

Her polymyalgia.

Her poly what?

Polymyalgia. Is it a parrot's disease?

No, it's a joint and muscular thing.

Sometimes mistaken for arthritis.

The steroids keep it at bay.

Diana has to take them every day.

Oh, fascinating.

Have you two quite finished?

Would you like me to leave the room while you discuss me limb by limb?

Fly, old thing. Keep your lid on.

So, you have taken your pill?

Yes. Oh, it's just that, uh, Harvey is concerned.

Our beloved leader is concerned about my health. Of course.

Why? Is he thinking of renting me out?

Oh.

I just happened to, uh, mention your, uh, thingy.

And he was immediately concerned.

Oh, was he?

In fact... He asked me to ask you to drop in on him, just so he could see how

you are.

Tell him I'm fine.

Please, Diana, for me, this afternoon.

It's just that I look a bit inefficient if I can't carry out simple requests.

All right, Jane.

Oh, thank you.

Well, I'll be off then. Bye.

I wonder what planet that woman is really from.

I've got an invitation.

Well, that's nice. Funeral, is it?

Not at all.

Just the opposite.

Well, someone's invited you to a birth.

Extraordinarily tasteless.

A christening, actually.

My nephew and niece, Ron and Sally, request the pleasure of my company at

christening of their son, Sylvia.

Sylvia?

Sylvester. Oh, yes, of course.

Sylvester.

treaty pie.

Oh, don't be so silly.

And the treaties were named after the treaties of Versailles.

Just stop this quaintly dotted, non -sequential stuff.

This phony senility.

Won't wash with me.

You're quite capable of logical reasoning, so just stop trying to fill

of the charmingly balmy old codger.

You want to watch out.

and start believing it's the real you.

They'll start patting you on the knee and talking to you slowly and carefully.

And then you'll start nodding and smiling.

And then they'll be saying how you're not long for this world, you've had a

run for your money, and you won't want to disappoint them, so you'll have a

stroke just to be obliged.

Realised and dribbling, they'll start talking at you even louder, and because

you can't reply, they'll think you can't think or hear either, so they won't

even bother to leave the room while they discuss how they'll redecorate it after

you've gone.

And hasn't anyone asked a quack how much longer you'll be, and aren't you being

a bit selfish, hanging on for yet another winter, and don't you realise

another generation knocking at the door?

Does this mean you don't want to come to the christening?

It's being held at my son's place.

No, I do not want to come. I don't like your family.

Don't you like anyone?

No.

All the people I liked are dead.

Too late to start liking new people. Too much responsibility.

It's so nice to see you. Yes, indeed. It's been so long.

How have you been since breakfast?

Yes, but we don't often get a chance, you know, interfaith on a one -to -one

basis.

Interfaith? Communicate, interrelate. Oh, you mean talk to each other?

I couldn't have put it better myself.

No, you've just proved it.

About what do you wish to interrelate our faces, Harvey?

This is your file.

Get to the point.

This? is your initial application for a place here at Bayview.

I remember it. A most impertinent document.

But necessary.

Necessary that we do know everything about potential residents medically.

Yes.

Well, as you know, Bayview is run by a group of dedicated doctors in

with fiscal resource development analysts.

Tax dodgers.

Taxation specialists.

A bunch of middle -class cowboys.

Now, now, Diana.

And one of the ways we, well, they, manage to keep the cost down for

It's in the careful medical vetting of potential residents.

You mean you don't want anyone here who can't be held together by Jane and her

packet of band -aids?

In this country, we do have hospitals for the sick.

Bayview is not a hospital. It is a retirement village, a new concept in

care. Keep going.

There's no mention on your form of your poly -me -algia?

No. I've been coping with my poly -my -algia for several years now. It's none

your business.

Oh, well, it is.

No, you see, the board... These doctors?

Yes. Who are sworn to care for the sick?

When they're doctoring. But not when they're investing?

I don't make the rules, Diana.

Get to the point, boy.

The situation will have to be reviewed by the board.

You mean I might get slung out? It's not up to me, Diana.

I have a renewable lease on my accommodation here. I think if you look

small print...

When is this review?

In a couple of days.

Thank you.

Oh, Diana.

Yes? Your niece rang.

She's such a nice girl. She wants to kill me.

No, she just wants her Porsche back.

She said she'd be down this afternoon to collect it.

Now, you will be around, won't you?

Of course.

Morning, ladies.

What? I'm taking you to the christening.

Hop in.

Sorry. My bird wants to go for a bit of a burn in the old porch.

Why did you change your mind? Because I like cuddly little babies.

Righto, everybody.

Big smile.

Including you, Diana.

My, oh, for God's sake.

Legend hurts.

Wouldn't they afford a photographer?

My boy is a very keen amateur photographer. He takes all the family

But that Marion cracked a few lenses.

What is the matter with you today?

Come on, let's get there before she soaks up all the gin.

Coochie -coochie.

What is it, Geoffrey?

Coochie -coochie -coo, Dad.

Coochie -coochie -coo -hoo.

Oh, I remember you at that age, Geoffrey.

Oh, what an ugly baby you were, always sniddling.

Yes, Dad. Could you hold the baby while I get a shot, Sally?

You won't drop him, will you?

Of course not, Sally.

Of course not.

Never drop Geoffrey.

Mind you, when you look at his choice of wife...

You'd think someone had dropped him on his head. That's enough, Dad.

I wasn't smiling.

Don't worry, Dad. I'll take your smile off one of the church shots.

You'll do what?

Doctor the picture, a bit from here, a bit from there.

By the time I finish, it'll look like we're quite a normal family.

That'll be the day.

Aren't you drinking?

I'm driving.

You're about as welcome here as the Black Death.

And twice as effective, I can assure you.

Why don't you go away before you get damaged?

Tom hasn't got any money, you know.

Nothing for you to get your claws into.

This house is ours.

Yes, I'm sure it is.

So why have you latched on to him?

I mean, he bores for the World Eleven.

He's a dreadful fibber.

And does disgusting things in the bathroom.

You go away. Very dear.

I'm sure there's still plenty of gin you could suck out of the carpet.

Then, of course, Jonathan Swift proposed that babies should be eaten. You know,

like a Sunday roast. Thank you, Dad.

He thought that the poor could earn an honest bob or two by providing babies

the rich man's table. That sounds really disgusting.

Well, it would depend on the cooking, of course.

Chipolatas, spuds... She kicked me.

to see us out, we're fine. Sorry about the, um, fine.

Right, um, ah, well.

What's the matter with you? She was irritating me.

Marion irritates everyone.

But we don't all kick the bejesus out of her. Well, you're a fine one to talk,

telling them they should barbecue their rotten child.

Well, my family.

Anyway, they expect me to be mildly awful, but they don't expect my friends

beat them up.

Am I your friend, Tom?

Well... Yes, I suppose so.

That's a pity.

Oh?

Well, friends aren't always around, are they?

No, I suppose not.

Can't always be relied on.

They're not supposed to be relied on.

Friends just are.

Friendship is a state of being, you know.

Thing of me?

No. I think you're better off without it, really.

So how's the christening?

I kicked the hostess. Tom suggested they ate the child.

It was all a great success.

Jamie.

Diane, are you looking at me?

So?

Well, you have a very piercing eye.

Like a vulture.

You're making me feel, well, you know.

Guilty? Sorry? You feel guilty for betraying me? Oh, Tom.

How else did Harvey Baines find out about my affliction?

Pillow talk, was it? Oh, Diana, I'm not that sort of woman.

And certainly not with Harvey, Mr Baines. I thought you were best started

him. Oh, Diana, please.

I thought the only reason you worked 24 hours a day for slaves' wages was so

that you could be forever close to Harvey Smoothie Chop's Baines, the well

-known slime from outer space.

Oh, you're being really nasty today.

It's not like you. It's very like me.

No, it's not.

Usually your nastiness is just plain nastiness.

But today your nastiness is really nasty nastiness.

Jane, because of your brainless behaviour, that Baines creature now has

chance to get rid of me.

Oh, I'm sorry.

It just slipped out.

I should have known something was amiss when Harvey started dancing round his

office.

What are you going to do?

Well, expect I'll have to leave, won't I?

But what about Tom?

Without you.

I'll have to bring him down to earth with a bump.

Is there anything I can do?

Yes. You can get me a list of board members, will you?

Why? Well, because I asked you.

Or do I have to pay you 30 pieces of silver?

Oh, Diane!

Tom?

Come in, number five. Your time is up.

Oh, God.

Tom? Come back down here, you old fool.

Oh, bloody hell.

What, who?

Oh, nice of you to drop in.

Guess what I... You haven't been anywhere.

No, you haven't.

Rubbish.

You

haven't

been anywhere, Tom. You've been sitting here. You've been trying to pass some of

that endless...

time they keep dumping on us. Diana, please, the room. No, Tom, no.

You've got to stop playing these silly games.

You're here.

This is life. This is fact.

You're not a friend of Ronald Reagan.

You've never climbed Everest.

You've certainly never danced the Black Bottom with Jane Russell.

Oh, yes, I did. Oh, no, you did not.

You've spent your life as a boring accountant.

You've achieved nothing, and you'll leave nothing behind.

Why are you being so cruel, Diana?

For your own good.

I don't understand.

Oh, Tom, you can't live your life in cotton wool.

You've got to grow yourself a hard shell or the bastards will get you.

Can I join you for lunch?

No, you can't.

Why not?

Because I'm lunching with someone else.

Oh? Oh, Bill Rowlands.

I'm sorry.

Old Bill Rowlands.

Old Bill Rowlands? He died a couple of months ago.

We went to the funeral.

She was rude to the vicar.

What's going on?

Board members.

Board members.

See if there are any eggs to hatch.

Mr. Baines isn't here.

I wasn't looking for Mr. Baines. I was looking for you.

I saw you creeping in here.

What are you up to?

Nothing. Nothing at all.

I'm completely innocent.

I am.

It cost my heart and I hope to die.

Oh, do be quiet, woman.

I want to know what's going on.

And I want to know now.

You're getting very bossy, Tom.

Too much time talking with Diana.

For the last 34 hours, I've hardly spoken to her at all. She's cut me dead,

hasn't eaten anything, and has withdrawn from the mixed croquet ladder.

Oh, and she loves to cheat at croquet.

Precisely. So what's the matter with her? Probably remorse.

Remorse? Diana, she doesn't know the meaning of the word.

So? I can't tell.

What can't you tell?

Well, I can't tell what I can't tell, otherwise I'd be telling, wouldn't I?

Why can't you tell?

Well, Diana made me swear not to tell you she was leaving Bayview. Oh, God!

Diana's leaving.

She is leaving. No, she isn't. I never said that.

Please don't say I said anything because I didn't. Oh, God, she'll kill me.

Oh, please, Tom.

All right, all right.

I won't say you said a word.

Oh, thank you, Tom.

I'm going to get to the bottom of this.

Hello, Jane.

It was me.

Whatever it was, I didn't do it.

Jane, you're crackling.

Sorry, Harvey.

You see this?

You know what it is, Jane?

It's a bottle of cheap champagne, Harvey.

It's a bottle of champagne, Jane.

Yes, Harvey. And after tomorrow's board meeting, I'm going to open it, drink it,

sing funny songs and dance around the grounds. And do you know why, Jane?

Because you'll be drunk, Harvey.

Because I will be rid of one of them. Diana Trent will be on her bike.

Oh, in her Porsche?

She hid it from the niece.

Diana will be but a distant memory. Without her, Tom will crumble and we can

back to running this place as it should be run.

At a profit.

Oh, Harvey.

Jane. You're touching me. Sorry.

Diana.

What do you want?

Can I come in?

Why? I want to talk to you.

So talk.

It's chilly out here.

Well, jump up and down. Run on the spot.

Well?

I can't run and talk at the same time.

Well, come in then. It's not locked.

Hello. What is it?

Um... I want your body.

You wouldn't know what to do with it.

Don't you believe it?

Jane Russell told me I made Cary Grant look like a Nancy boy.

No, she didn't.

What do you want, Tom?

Just thought that something might be troubling you.

Why should you think that?

Well, little things, you know. Little things.

Being a perfect cow to everyone.

Throwing a lunch over the dining room.

Just little things.

Tom? Yes, Diana?

Look, I'm worried about you.

You're going to have to grow up. You're going to have to be a man.

Oh, but I am. Jane Russell told me... Shut up about Jane Russell.

Just stay here with me for a moment, in the here and now, please.

Right. Now, you got married young, right?

Yes. And you had a wonderful wife who looked after you until she died.

Yes. And then you went to live with that offensive son of yours and his lizard

of a wife.

Yes. And then you came here.

What a fascinating story it is so far.

Now, when you got here, you went into a total decline.

You were either off in a world of your own or you were contemplating suicide.

Then I met you. And I played some small part in kicking you back into some

semblance of life.

Yes, you taught me that to stay alive, I had to be bloody minded. Thank you,

Diana.

But would you be all right if I weren't here?

So you are leaving?

Who told you that?

Oh, no one told me. Jane, I'll twist her ears off.

Why are you leaving?

We're fighting the good fight here.

We're making some progress, getting the place into shape.

A couple of... Years from now, all the old folk for miles around will be

clamouring to get in. Tom, I'm not leaving of my own accord.

What do you mean?

We're a pain in their corporate buttock, Tom.

They're getting rid of me and they'll get you next. They'll find a loophole

they'll shove you through. And then where will you be? That's what worries

Oh, do stop going on about me.

This caring attitude doesn't suit you. Just tell me what the hell is going on

I'll...

I'll drag you into that bed with me.

Well?

My lips are sealed.

You swine.

Good morning, Tom.

You cad.

You bounder.

You dog.

Do sit down, Tom.

No, I won't. All right, how can I help you?

You could throw yourself under a bus to start with.

Something's upsetting you. You are!

You louse on the back of a worm.

Could you give me a little hint about the general area of your problem?

Crimes against mankind.

Could you be a little more specific?

Throwing defenceless old ladies out into the street.

Oh, you mean Diana, that defenceless old lady.

Yes. The defenceless old lady that drives a stolen Porsche, swears at

the clergy and kicks people.

Right.

Tom, do you believe in the concept of truth?

Of course.

Well, Diana didn't tell the truth on her application form.

So? Though she shouldn't be here.

She should be in a place more capable of looking after her.

As her condition deteriorates, she's going to need proper care.

Well, well, well, I can look after her.

Well, we can rush her to hospital.

And should she only partially recover and still need help?

She would have no place established.

So to qualify for this little nirvana, you have to prove that you can die

quickly and cleanly with no fuss or no need of care.

I'm just an employee, Tom. I don't make the rule.

When's the board meeting?

This afternoon.

Where are you going?

To see my family.

Give Marion a belt for me.

This is the place.

Wake here, please.

Good morning.

I would like a very naughty magazine, please.

Oh, naughtier than that.

I can't do that.

I've never heard of anything so disgusting.

It's really not on, Diane.

All right.

Just a thought.

Of course, she goes.

I go.

What? I'm a man of principle, Marion.

John F. Kennedy told me that.

I would have to leave Bayview as well.

But where would you go?

Well, here, of course.

Oh. What have we always said?

Your home is my home. My home is your home.

You haven't got a home.

It's the principal, Marion.

The hell with the principal.

I'm not having swarms of geriatric loonies all over the house.

Do what he wants.

Glad I caught you. I'm a bit busy, Tom, at the board meeting.

Oh, it won't take a minute. I want you to look at some of my holiday snaps.

Couldn't it wait?

Not if you want to keep your job.

Naughty pictures, Tom?

I don't think you've looked quite closely enough.

Oh, my God.

That man, it's me.

And the lady in the boots.

It's Jane.

That's not me.

It's your face.

But it's not my body.

It certainly isn't Jane's body.

Look, I don't know what you're playing at, Tom, but I find this quite obscene.

No more obscene than trying to bung old Diana out into the cold, cold snow.

What, are you serious? You're going to try and blackmail me with these?

Yes. But anyone can see that's not me.

Only if they see you naked. Are you prepared to strip off in front of the

That was a nice try, Tom.

But I'm not a fool, and neither are the board. Excuse me.

Oh, if you want to come with me and show those pictures to the board, you're

more than welcome.

But I think you might look a bit silly.

This is real life, Tom.

I'm sorry.

Hello, Tom.

Where are you off to today?

Somewhere exciting?

Afghanistan?

Argentina?

Are you hanging around Custer's last stand again?

I'm here.

Oh, well, it's nice to see you.

What makes you so cheerful?

It's a nice day.

You're glad you're leaving, aren't you?

Had enough of us old brute noobs.

Off to the south of France, eh? Get a toy boy.

Well, go ahead.

Enjoy yourself.

I'm not going anywhere, Tom.

Send me a PC if you remember.

You're not going?

No. What about the board meeting?

I was a journalist, Tom. Not all my chums are dead.

Last night the board members were asked if they would like to be interviewed

about the tax advantages of investing in homes for the elderly.

There was much spluttering and groveling throughout the land.

So you'll be staying?

I think there's a strong possibility.

You

dirty

old man!

No, no, you don't understand.

Oh, I think I do.

You bloody old fool.