1 00:00:47,099 --> 00:00:51,580 Play now, pay later, join the 18 to 30 club. 2 00:00:51,820 --> 00:00:53,520 Oh, just the ticket. 3 00:00:53,860 --> 00:00:57,140 Don't be so silly, Tom. For you, they'd need a 70 to dead club. 4 00:00:58,060 --> 00:01:02,520 What a terrible idea. Money back if you conk out before take -off. All wind 5 00:01:02,520 --> 00:01:05,780 servers equipped with walking frames, complimentary oxygen in every room. 6 00:01:06,920 --> 00:01:07,920 That's enough, Diana. 7 00:01:08,500 --> 00:01:11,220 No, you and I ought to go to some of these resorts. 8 00:01:11,740 --> 00:01:15,880 Parade naked up and down the beaches with placards saying, hello, young 9 00:01:15,980 --> 00:01:17,080 we are your future. 10 00:01:18,280 --> 00:01:20,460 That is quite appalling. No, it isn't. 11 00:01:21,400 --> 00:01:23,420 Why do you always have to disagree with me? 12 00:01:24,280 --> 00:01:27,380 What? One should always disagree with everyone about everything on principle. 13 00:01:28,180 --> 00:01:29,460 Conflict is what keeps you alive. 14 00:01:29,840 --> 00:01:30,759 By what, Paul? 15 00:01:30,760 --> 00:01:33,580 What, to disagree with people? I've just said that. Don't you ever listen to me? 16 00:01:33,840 --> 00:01:37,960 You disagree with people to keep alive, to disagree with people. Yes. 17 00:01:38,630 --> 00:01:41,210 Having a conversation with you is like jumping off a cliff. 18 00:01:41,750 --> 00:01:45,570 However exhilarating it is to start with, you know there's going to come a 19 00:01:45,570 --> 00:01:47,190 when you're really going to regret it. 20 00:01:49,010 --> 00:01:53,670 Diana. Oh, hello, Jane. Please don't bother to knock. Just barge right in. I 21 00:01:53,670 --> 00:01:54,670 don't mind. 22 00:01:55,450 --> 00:01:58,070 I know there is no privacy in a glue factory. 23 00:01:59,050 --> 00:02:00,050 So sorry. 24 00:02:00,490 --> 00:02:02,010 Would you like me to go out again? 25 00:02:02,270 --> 00:02:03,270 What do you want? 26 00:02:03,310 --> 00:02:05,450 What? Why are you here? 27 00:02:05,910 --> 00:02:07,070 Why are we all here? 28 00:02:07,330 --> 00:02:09,289 In fact, Are we here at all? 29 00:02:10,669 --> 00:02:13,650 Or are we all not quite here? 30 00:02:14,410 --> 00:02:15,730 Jane, why are you here? 31 00:02:16,450 --> 00:02:17,670 I work here. 32 00:02:19,950 --> 00:02:21,870 Oh, you mean why am I here? 33 00:02:22,390 --> 00:02:24,130 Oh, yes, I remember now. 34 00:02:24,810 --> 00:02:26,330 Have you taken your pill? 35 00:02:27,630 --> 00:02:29,270 You know, your pill. 36 00:02:29,850 --> 00:02:31,490 What do you mean, my steroids? Yes. 37 00:02:32,310 --> 00:02:35,570 I've been successfully remembering to take them for the past eight years. 38 00:02:36,210 --> 00:02:38,530 Steroids? Are you having a sex change? 39 00:02:40,690 --> 00:02:42,410 Just mind your own business. 40 00:02:43,550 --> 00:02:45,650 Her polymyalgia. 41 00:02:46,090 --> 00:02:47,150 Her poly what? 42 00:02:47,710 --> 00:02:50,270 Polymyalgia. Is it a parrot's disease? 43 00:02:50,770 --> 00:02:53,490 No, it's a joint and muscular thing. 44 00:02:53,770 --> 00:02:55,650 Sometimes mistaken for arthritis. 45 00:02:56,310 --> 00:02:58,410 The steroids keep it at bay. 46 00:02:58,650 --> 00:03:00,770 Diana has to take them every day. 47 00:03:01,230 --> 00:03:02,690 Oh, fascinating. 48 00:03:04,150 --> 00:03:05,650 Have you two quite finished? 49 00:03:07,440 --> 00:03:10,020 Would you like me to leave the room while you discuss me limb by limb? 50 00:03:10,480 --> 00:03:12,460 Fly, old thing. Keep your lid on. 51 00:03:13,160 --> 00:03:14,880 So, you have taken your pill? 52 00:03:15,100 --> 00:03:18,660 Yes. Oh, it's just that, uh, Harvey is concerned. 53 00:03:19,160 --> 00:03:22,100 Our beloved leader is concerned about my health. Of course. 54 00:03:22,380 --> 00:03:24,080 Why? Is he thinking of renting me out? 55 00:03:24,360 --> 00:03:25,360 Oh. 56 00:03:25,780 --> 00:03:28,780 I just happened to, uh, mention your, uh, thingy. 57 00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:30,640 And he was immediately concerned. 58 00:03:31,060 --> 00:03:32,019 Oh, was he? 59 00:03:32,020 --> 00:03:36,440 In fact... He asked me to ask you to drop in on him, just so he could see how 60 00:03:36,440 --> 00:03:37,179 you are. 61 00:03:37,180 --> 00:03:38,260 Tell him I'm fine. 62 00:03:38,720 --> 00:03:42,220 Please, Diana, for me, this afternoon. 63 00:03:43,180 --> 00:03:47,740 It's just that I look a bit inefficient if I can't carry out simple requests. 64 00:03:48,240 --> 00:03:49,420 All right, Jane. 65 00:03:49,660 --> 00:03:50,660 Oh, thank you. 66 00:03:51,100 --> 00:03:54,180 Well, I'll be off then. Bye. 67 00:03:55,340 --> 00:03:58,000 I wonder what planet that woman is really from. 68 00:04:01,930 --> 00:04:02,930 I've got an invitation. 69 00:04:03,190 --> 00:04:04,710 Well, that's nice. Funeral, is it? 70 00:04:04,970 --> 00:04:05,970 Not at all. 71 00:04:06,630 --> 00:04:07,650 Just the opposite. 72 00:04:07,950 --> 00:04:09,590 Well, someone's invited you to a birth. 73 00:04:10,950 --> 00:04:12,050 Extraordinarily tasteless. 74 00:04:13,650 --> 00:04:15,130 A christening, actually. 75 00:04:15,570 --> 00:04:20,649 My nephew and niece, Ron and Sally, request the pleasure of my company at 76 00:04:20,649 --> 00:04:22,970 christening of their son, Sylvia. 77 00:04:23,810 --> 00:04:24,810 Sylvia? 78 00:04:27,170 --> 00:04:29,770 Sylvester. Oh, yes, of course. 79 00:04:30,150 --> 00:04:31,150 Sylvester. 80 00:04:33,260 --> 00:04:34,260 treaty pie. 81 00:04:35,160 --> 00:04:36,440 Oh, don't be so silly. 82 00:04:36,960 --> 00:04:40,620 And the treaties were named after the treaties of Versailles. 83 00:04:40,840 --> 00:04:47,380 Just stop this quaintly dotted, non -sequential stuff. 84 00:04:47,740 --> 00:04:49,820 This phony senility. 85 00:04:50,120 --> 00:04:51,240 Won't wash with me. 86 00:04:51,820 --> 00:04:56,680 You're quite capable of logical reasoning, so just stop trying to fill 87 00:04:56,680 --> 00:04:59,060 of the charmingly balmy old codger. 88 00:05:00,380 --> 00:05:01,800 You want to watch out. 89 00:05:02,190 --> 00:05:03,790 and start believing it's the real you. 90 00:05:04,630 --> 00:05:08,590 They'll start patting you on the knee and talking to you slowly and carefully. 91 00:05:09,570 --> 00:05:11,730 And then you'll start nodding and smiling. 92 00:05:12,890 --> 00:05:16,170 And then they'll be saying how you're not long for this world, you've had a 93 00:05:16,170 --> 00:05:18,850 run for your money, and you won't want to disappoint them, so you'll have a 94 00:05:18,850 --> 00:05:19,910 stroke just to be obliged. 95 00:05:23,690 --> 00:05:27,430 Realised and dribbling, they'll start talking at you even louder, and because 96 00:05:27,430 --> 00:05:31,530 you can't reply, they'll think you can't think or hear either, so they won't 97 00:05:31,530 --> 00:05:34,690 even bother to leave the room while they discuss how they'll redecorate it after 98 00:05:34,690 --> 00:05:35,690 you've gone. 99 00:05:35,770 --> 00:05:39,230 And hasn't anyone asked a quack how much longer you'll be, and aren't you being 100 00:05:39,230 --> 00:05:42,390 a bit selfish, hanging on for yet another winter, and don't you realise 101 00:05:42,390 --> 00:05:44,250 another generation knocking at the door? 102 00:05:44,470 --> 00:05:46,970 Does this mean you don't want to come to the christening? 103 00:05:48,110 --> 00:05:49,810 It's being held at my son's place. 104 00:05:50,280 --> 00:05:53,100 No, I do not want to come. I don't like your family. 105 00:05:54,280 --> 00:05:55,380 Don't you like anyone? 106 00:05:56,300 --> 00:05:57,300 No. 107 00:05:57,780 --> 00:05:59,360 All the people I liked are dead. 108 00:06:00,140 --> 00:06:03,480 Too late to start liking new people. Too much responsibility. 109 00:06:19,530 --> 00:06:23,010 It's so nice to see you. Yes, indeed. It's been so long. 110 00:06:23,890 --> 00:06:25,150 How have you been since breakfast? 111 00:06:26,330 --> 00:06:29,890 Yes, but we don't often get a chance, you know, interfaith on a one -to -one 112 00:06:29,890 --> 00:06:30,890 basis. 113 00:06:31,510 --> 00:06:34,810 Interfaith? Communicate, interrelate. Oh, you mean talk to each other? 114 00:06:35,810 --> 00:06:36,990 I couldn't have put it better myself. 115 00:06:37,350 --> 00:06:38,350 No, you've just proved it. 116 00:06:39,150 --> 00:06:41,870 About what do you wish to interrelate our faces, Harvey? 117 00:06:43,090 --> 00:06:44,230 This is your file. 118 00:06:44,550 --> 00:06:45,550 Get to the point. 119 00:06:46,090 --> 00:06:49,570 This? is your initial application for a place here at Bayview. 120 00:06:49,790 --> 00:06:51,750 I remember it. A most impertinent document. 121 00:06:52,030 --> 00:06:53,030 But necessary. 122 00:06:53,330 --> 00:06:57,130 Necessary that we do know everything about potential residents medically. 123 00:06:57,590 --> 00:06:58,590 Yes. 124 00:06:58,670 --> 00:07:02,550 Well, as you know, Bayview is run by a group of dedicated doctors in 125 00:07:02,550 --> 00:07:04,550 with fiscal resource development analysts. 126 00:07:04,990 --> 00:07:05,990 Tax dodgers. 127 00:07:07,110 --> 00:07:08,110 Taxation specialists. 128 00:07:08,130 --> 00:07:09,810 A bunch of middle -class cowboys. 129 00:07:10,150 --> 00:07:11,150 Now, now, Diana. 130 00:07:11,450 --> 00:07:15,470 And one of the ways we, well, they, manage to keep the cost down for 131 00:07:15,770 --> 00:07:18,970 It's in the careful medical vetting of potential residents. 132 00:07:19,290 --> 00:07:22,170 You mean you don't want anyone here who can't be held together by Jane and her 133 00:07:22,170 --> 00:07:23,170 packet of band -aids? 134 00:07:23,610 --> 00:07:26,170 In this country, we do have hospitals for the sick. 135 00:07:26,430 --> 00:07:30,170 Bayview is not a hospital. It is a retirement village, a new concept in 136 00:07:30,170 --> 00:07:31,470 care. Keep going. 137 00:07:33,650 --> 00:07:37,430 There's no mention on your form of your poly -me -algia? 138 00:07:37,790 --> 00:07:42,170 No. I've been coping with my poly -my -algia for several years now. It's none 139 00:07:42,170 --> 00:07:42,909 your business. 140 00:07:42,910 --> 00:07:43,910 Oh, well, it is. 141 00:07:44,120 --> 00:07:46,100 No, you see, the board... These doctors? 142 00:07:46,860 --> 00:07:49,080 Yes. Who are sworn to care for the sick? 143 00:07:49,680 --> 00:07:51,860 When they're doctoring. But not when they're investing? 144 00:07:52,880 --> 00:07:54,580 I don't make the rules, Diana. 145 00:07:54,820 --> 00:07:55,820 Get to the point, boy. 146 00:08:00,840 --> 00:08:03,460 The situation will have to be reviewed by the board. 147 00:08:03,720 --> 00:08:06,120 You mean I might get slung out? It's not up to me, Diana. 148 00:08:06,360 --> 00:08:09,700 I have a renewable lease on my accommodation here. I think if you look 149 00:08:09,700 --> 00:08:10,700 small print... 150 00:08:12,910 --> 00:08:13,910 When is this review? 151 00:08:14,290 --> 00:08:15,330 In a couple of days. 152 00:08:15,610 --> 00:08:16,610 Thank you. 153 00:08:18,050 --> 00:08:19,050 Oh, Diana. 154 00:08:19,070 --> 00:08:20,670 Yes? Your niece rang. 155 00:08:21,290 --> 00:08:23,570 She's such a nice girl. She wants to kill me. 156 00:08:25,390 --> 00:08:27,330 No, she just wants her Porsche back. 157 00:08:28,030 --> 00:08:30,070 She said she'd be down this afternoon to collect it. 158 00:08:30,990 --> 00:08:33,090 Now, you will be around, won't you? 159 00:08:34,150 --> 00:08:35,150 Of course. 160 00:08:37,330 --> 00:08:38,330 Morning, ladies. 161 00:08:47,939 --> 00:08:50,340 What? I'm taking you to the christening. 162 00:08:50,560 --> 00:08:51,560 Hop in. 163 00:08:52,880 --> 00:08:56,560 Sorry. My bird wants to go for a bit of a burn in the old porch. 164 00:08:58,500 --> 00:09:03,860 Why did you change your mind? Because I like cuddly little babies. 165 00:09:12,880 --> 00:09:13,880 Righto, everybody. 166 00:09:14,540 --> 00:09:15,540 Big smile. 167 00:09:17,210 --> 00:09:18,390 Including you, Diana. 168 00:09:18,930 --> 00:09:20,250 My, oh, for God's sake. 169 00:09:22,190 --> 00:09:23,190 Legend hurts. 170 00:09:28,870 --> 00:09:30,410 Wouldn't they afford a photographer? 171 00:09:31,770 --> 00:09:35,270 My boy is a very keen amateur photographer. He takes all the family 172 00:09:35,590 --> 00:09:37,450 But that Marion cracked a few lenses. 173 00:09:37,830 --> 00:09:39,670 What is the matter with you today? 174 00:09:39,890 --> 00:09:42,590 Come on, let's get there before she soaks up all the gin. 175 00:09:51,720 --> 00:09:52,559 Coochie -coochie. 176 00:09:52,560 --> 00:09:53,600 What is it, Geoffrey? 177 00:09:54,200 --> 00:09:55,560 Coochie -coochie -coo, Dad. 178 00:09:56,380 --> 00:09:57,680 Coochie -coochie -coo -hoo. 179 00:09:59,320 --> 00:10:01,260 Oh, I remember you at that age, Geoffrey. 180 00:10:01,460 --> 00:10:03,600 Oh, what an ugly baby you were, always sniddling. 181 00:10:04,400 --> 00:10:07,720 Yes, Dad. Could you hold the baby while I get a shot, Sally? 182 00:10:07,960 --> 00:10:09,740 You won't drop him, will you? 183 00:10:09,940 --> 00:10:11,900 Of course not, Sally. 184 00:10:12,200 --> 00:10:13,840 Of course not. 185 00:10:16,040 --> 00:10:17,320 Never drop Geoffrey. 186 00:10:17,600 --> 00:10:20,780 Mind you, when you look at his choice of wife... 187 00:10:20,990 --> 00:10:23,570 You'd think someone had dropped him on his head. That's enough, Dad. 188 00:10:26,250 --> 00:10:27,250 I wasn't smiling. 189 00:10:27,370 --> 00:10:29,330 Don't worry, Dad. I'll take your smile off one of the church shots. 190 00:10:30,150 --> 00:10:31,150 You'll do what? 191 00:10:31,430 --> 00:10:33,470 Doctor the picture, a bit from here, a bit from there. 192 00:10:33,890 --> 00:10:36,170 By the time I finish, it'll look like we're quite a normal family. 193 00:10:36,790 --> 00:10:37,790 That'll be the day. 194 00:10:42,730 --> 00:10:43,730 Aren't you drinking? 195 00:10:44,450 --> 00:10:45,450 I'm driving. 196 00:10:50,920 --> 00:10:53,380 You're about as welcome here as the Black Death. 197 00:10:53,740 --> 00:10:56,140 And twice as effective, I can assure you. 198 00:10:57,240 --> 00:10:59,460 Why don't you go away before you get damaged? 199 00:11:00,120 --> 00:11:02,040 Tom hasn't got any money, you know. 200 00:11:02,600 --> 00:11:04,540 Nothing for you to get your claws into. 201 00:11:05,020 --> 00:11:06,260 This house is ours. 202 00:11:06,580 --> 00:11:07,680 Yes, I'm sure it is. 203 00:11:08,900 --> 00:11:10,720 So why have you latched on to him? 204 00:11:11,060 --> 00:11:13,460 I mean, he bores for the World Eleven. 205 00:11:13,820 --> 00:11:15,280 He's a dreadful fibber. 206 00:11:15,740 --> 00:11:18,280 And does disgusting things in the bathroom. 207 00:11:19,020 --> 00:11:20,640 You go away. Very dear. 208 00:11:20,900 --> 00:11:23,960 I'm sure there's still plenty of gin you could suck out of the carpet. 209 00:11:25,120 --> 00:11:29,000 Then, of course, Jonathan Swift proposed that babies should be eaten. You know, 210 00:11:29,120 --> 00:11:30,960 like a Sunday roast. Thank you, Dad. 211 00:11:31,200 --> 00:11:36,160 He thought that the poor could earn an honest bob or two by providing babies 212 00:11:36,160 --> 00:11:38,620 the rich man's table. That sounds really disgusting. 213 00:11:39,100 --> 00:11:41,000 Well, it would depend on the cooking, of course. 214 00:11:43,000 --> 00:11:48,200 Chipolatas, spuds... She kicked me. 215 00:12:05,360 --> 00:12:08,560 to see us out, we're fine. Sorry about the, um, fine. 216 00:12:09,720 --> 00:12:11,280 Right, um, ah, well. 217 00:12:11,900 --> 00:12:14,260 What's the matter with you? She was irritating me. 218 00:12:14,460 --> 00:12:15,580 Marion irritates everyone. 219 00:12:16,000 --> 00:12:19,020 But we don't all kick the bejesus out of her. Well, you're a fine one to talk, 220 00:12:19,060 --> 00:12:21,260 telling them they should barbecue their rotten child. 221 00:12:22,020 --> 00:12:23,220 Well, my family. 222 00:12:24,680 --> 00:12:28,900 Anyway, they expect me to be mildly awful, but they don't expect my friends 223 00:12:28,900 --> 00:12:29,900 beat them up. 224 00:12:30,660 --> 00:12:31,980 Am I your friend, Tom? 225 00:12:33,120 --> 00:12:35,330 Well... Yes, I suppose so. 226 00:12:35,870 --> 00:12:36,870 That's a pity. 227 00:12:37,610 --> 00:12:38,610 Oh? 228 00:12:39,550 --> 00:12:41,450 Well, friends aren't always around, are they? 229 00:12:42,230 --> 00:12:44,250 No, I suppose not. 230 00:12:44,970 --> 00:12:46,990 Can't always be relied on. 231 00:12:47,310 --> 00:12:48,930 They're not supposed to be relied on. 232 00:12:49,570 --> 00:12:51,590 Friends just are. 233 00:12:52,430 --> 00:12:55,590 Friendship is a state of being, you know. 234 00:12:57,410 --> 00:12:58,410 Thing of me? 235 00:12:59,330 --> 00:13:02,190 No. I think you're better off without it, really. 236 00:13:09,230 --> 00:13:10,250 So how's the christening? 237 00:13:10,510 --> 00:13:13,790 I kicked the hostess. Tom suggested they ate the child. 238 00:13:14,610 --> 00:13:16,450 It was all a great success. 239 00:13:16,750 --> 00:13:17,750 Jamie. 240 00:13:20,950 --> 00:13:22,510 Diane, are you looking at me? 241 00:13:22,730 --> 00:13:23,730 So? 242 00:13:23,810 --> 00:13:25,790 Well, you have a very piercing eye. 243 00:13:26,470 --> 00:13:27,490 Like a vulture. 244 00:13:29,610 --> 00:13:31,830 You're making me feel, well, you know. 245 00:13:32,210 --> 00:13:35,830 Guilty? Sorry? You feel guilty for betraying me? Oh, Tom. 246 00:13:37,260 --> 00:13:39,460 How else did Harvey Baines find out about my affliction? 247 00:13:39,760 --> 00:13:43,800 Pillow talk, was it? Oh, Diana, I'm not that sort of woman. 248 00:13:44,160 --> 00:13:48,880 And certainly not with Harvey, Mr Baines. I thought you were best started 249 00:13:48,880 --> 00:13:50,140 him. Oh, Diana, please. 250 00:13:50,580 --> 00:13:54,560 I thought the only reason you worked 24 hours a day for slaves' wages was so 251 00:13:54,560 --> 00:13:58,480 that you could be forever close to Harvey Smoothie Chop's Baines, the well 252 00:13:58,480 --> 00:13:59,920 -known slime from outer space. 253 00:14:00,800 --> 00:14:03,220 Oh, you're being really nasty today. 254 00:14:03,880 --> 00:14:06,240 It's not like you. It's very like me. 255 00:14:06,810 --> 00:14:07,810 No, it's not. 256 00:14:08,010 --> 00:14:11,050 Usually your nastiness is just plain nastiness. 257 00:14:11,250 --> 00:14:14,570 But today your nastiness is really nasty nastiness. 258 00:14:15,170 --> 00:14:18,870 Jane, because of your brainless behaviour, that Baines creature now has 259 00:14:18,870 --> 00:14:19,870 chance to get rid of me. 260 00:14:20,170 --> 00:14:21,170 Oh, I'm sorry. 261 00:14:21,470 --> 00:14:22,870 It just slipped out. 262 00:14:23,530 --> 00:14:27,590 I should have known something was amiss when Harvey started dancing round his 263 00:14:27,590 --> 00:14:28,590 office. 264 00:14:29,090 --> 00:14:30,490 What are you going to do? 265 00:14:30,870 --> 00:14:33,350 Well, expect I'll have to leave, won't I? 266 00:14:33,590 --> 00:14:34,590 But what about Tom? 267 00:14:36,240 --> 00:14:37,240 Without you. 268 00:14:37,300 --> 00:14:39,640 I'll have to bring him down to earth with a bump. 269 00:14:40,180 --> 00:14:41,860 Is there anything I can do? 270 00:14:42,520 --> 00:14:45,620 Yes. You can get me a list of board members, will you? 271 00:14:45,940 --> 00:14:47,680 Why? Well, because I asked you. 272 00:14:48,060 --> 00:14:50,940 Or do I have to pay you 30 pieces of silver? 273 00:14:51,160 --> 00:14:52,160 Oh, Diane! 274 00:15:06,290 --> 00:15:07,290 Tom? 275 00:15:11,950 --> 00:15:14,370 Come in, number five. Your time is up. 276 00:15:15,810 --> 00:15:16,830 Oh, God. 277 00:15:18,450 --> 00:15:22,450 Tom? Come back down here, you old fool. 278 00:15:24,430 --> 00:15:25,750 Oh, bloody hell. 279 00:15:28,070 --> 00:15:29,070 What, who? 280 00:15:29,270 --> 00:15:31,670 Oh, nice of you to drop in. 281 00:15:32,410 --> 00:15:34,610 Guess what I... You haven't been anywhere. 282 00:15:35,970 --> 00:15:37,210 No, you haven't. 283 00:15:40,210 --> 00:15:41,210 Rubbish. 284 00:15:43,050 --> 00:15:43,490 You 285 00:15:43,490 --> 00:15:56,990 haven't 286 00:15:56,990 --> 00:16:00,410 been anywhere, Tom. You've been sitting here. You've been trying to pass some of 287 00:16:00,410 --> 00:16:01,279 that endless... 288 00:16:01,280 --> 00:16:05,120 time they keep dumping on us. Diana, please, the room. No, Tom, no. 289 00:16:05,340 --> 00:16:07,300 You've got to stop playing these silly games. 290 00:16:07,500 --> 00:16:08,319 You're here. 291 00:16:08,320 --> 00:16:09,940 This is life. This is fact. 292 00:16:11,120 --> 00:16:13,080 You're not a friend of Ronald Reagan. 293 00:16:14,160 --> 00:16:15,700 You've never climbed Everest. 294 00:16:16,440 --> 00:16:18,900 You've certainly never danced the Black Bottom with Jane Russell. 295 00:16:19,920 --> 00:16:22,500 Oh, yes, I did. Oh, no, you did not. 296 00:16:22,840 --> 00:16:25,100 You've spent your life as a boring accountant. 297 00:16:25,940 --> 00:16:29,520 You've achieved nothing, and you'll leave nothing behind. 298 00:16:31,210 --> 00:16:33,190 Why are you being so cruel, Diana? 299 00:16:34,670 --> 00:16:35,710 For your own good. 300 00:16:36,130 --> 00:16:37,210 I don't understand. 301 00:16:37,530 --> 00:16:40,990 Oh, Tom, you can't live your life in cotton wool. 302 00:16:41,790 --> 00:16:45,950 You've got to grow yourself a hard shell or the bastards will get you. 303 00:16:47,450 --> 00:16:48,970 Can I join you for lunch? 304 00:16:50,470 --> 00:16:51,670 No, you can't. 305 00:16:52,330 --> 00:16:53,330 Why not? 306 00:16:54,090 --> 00:16:57,350 Because I'm lunching with someone else. 307 00:16:57,790 --> 00:16:59,850 Oh? Oh, Bill Rowlands. 308 00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:01,520 I'm sorry. 309 00:17:02,760 --> 00:17:04,200 Old Bill Rowlands. 310 00:17:06,640 --> 00:17:09,579 Old Bill Rowlands? He died a couple of months ago. 311 00:17:10,300 --> 00:17:11,560 We went to the funeral. 312 00:17:12,560 --> 00:17:14,240 She was rude to the vicar. 313 00:17:17,099 --> 00:17:18,480 What's going on? 314 00:17:24,040 --> 00:17:25,040 Board members. 315 00:17:27,819 --> 00:17:29,060 Board members. 316 00:17:45,550 --> 00:17:47,650 See if there are any eggs to hatch. 317 00:17:48,450 --> 00:17:50,130 Mr. Baines isn't here. 318 00:17:50,390 --> 00:17:52,630 I wasn't looking for Mr. Baines. I was looking for you. 319 00:17:53,070 --> 00:17:55,130 I saw you creeping in here. 320 00:17:56,110 --> 00:17:57,110 What are you up to? 321 00:17:57,270 --> 00:17:58,550 Nothing. Nothing at all. 322 00:17:58,970 --> 00:18:00,130 I'm completely innocent. 323 00:18:00,390 --> 00:18:01,229 I am. 324 00:18:01,230 --> 00:18:02,810 It cost my heart and I hope to die. 325 00:18:03,050 --> 00:18:04,050 Oh, do be quiet, woman. 326 00:18:04,430 --> 00:18:06,010 I want to know what's going on. 327 00:18:06,570 --> 00:18:08,390 And I want to know now. 328 00:18:09,170 --> 00:18:10,750 You're getting very bossy, Tom. 329 00:18:11,110 --> 00:18:13,170 Too much time talking with Diana. 330 00:18:13,630 --> 00:18:16,970 For the last 34 hours, I've hardly spoken to her at all. She's cut me dead, 331 00:18:17,130 --> 00:18:22,650 hasn't eaten anything, and has withdrawn from the mixed croquet ladder. 332 00:18:23,030 --> 00:18:25,390 Oh, and she loves to cheat at croquet. 333 00:18:26,290 --> 00:18:29,290 Precisely. So what's the matter with her? Probably remorse. 334 00:18:30,370 --> 00:18:33,650 Remorse? Diana, she doesn't know the meaning of the word. 335 00:18:34,170 --> 00:18:36,030 So? I can't tell. 336 00:18:36,990 --> 00:18:38,170 What can't you tell? 337 00:18:38,430 --> 00:18:42,030 Well, I can't tell what I can't tell, otherwise I'd be telling, wouldn't I? 338 00:18:43,080 --> 00:18:44,320 Why can't you tell? 339 00:18:44,620 --> 00:18:48,780 Well, Diana made me swear not to tell you she was leaving Bayview. Oh, God! 340 00:18:50,240 --> 00:18:52,820 Diana's leaving. 341 00:18:53,540 --> 00:18:57,180 She is leaving. No, she isn't. I never said that. 342 00:18:58,100 --> 00:19:02,480 Please don't say I said anything because I didn't. Oh, God, she'll kill me. 343 00:19:02,880 --> 00:19:04,260 Oh, please, Tom. 344 00:19:04,640 --> 00:19:05,700 All right, all right. 345 00:19:06,100 --> 00:19:07,820 I won't say you said a word. 346 00:19:08,040 --> 00:19:09,220 Oh, thank you, Tom. 347 00:19:14,250 --> 00:19:15,890 I'm going to get to the bottom of this. 348 00:19:22,630 --> 00:19:23,630 Hello, Jane. 349 00:19:23,770 --> 00:19:26,630 It was me. 350 00:19:27,050 --> 00:19:28,690 Whatever it was, I didn't do it. 351 00:19:29,550 --> 00:19:31,010 Jane, you're crackling. 352 00:19:31,210 --> 00:19:32,210 Sorry, Harvey. 353 00:19:33,230 --> 00:19:34,230 You see this? 354 00:19:34,390 --> 00:19:35,430 You know what it is, Jane? 355 00:19:35,910 --> 00:19:38,090 It's a bottle of cheap champagne, Harvey. 356 00:19:39,470 --> 00:19:41,770 It's a bottle of champagne, Jane. 357 00:19:42,050 --> 00:19:45,630 Yes, Harvey. And after tomorrow's board meeting, I'm going to open it, drink it, 358 00:19:45,670 --> 00:19:48,590 sing funny songs and dance around the grounds. And do you know why, Jane? 359 00:19:49,170 --> 00:19:50,850 Because you'll be drunk, Harvey. 360 00:19:51,950 --> 00:19:56,050 Because I will be rid of one of them. Diana Trent will be on her bike. 361 00:19:56,470 --> 00:19:57,470 Oh, in her Porsche? 362 00:19:57,750 --> 00:19:59,110 She hid it from the niece. 363 00:19:59,590 --> 00:20:03,290 Diana will be but a distant memory. Without her, Tom will crumble and we can 364 00:20:03,290 --> 00:20:05,470 back to running this place as it should be run. 365 00:20:06,570 --> 00:20:07,570 At a profit. 366 00:20:08,110 --> 00:20:09,230 Oh, Harvey. 367 00:20:09,830 --> 00:20:11,720 Jane. You're touching me. Sorry. 368 00:20:14,340 --> 00:20:15,340 Diana. 369 00:20:16,660 --> 00:20:17,860 What do you want? 370 00:20:18,300 --> 00:20:19,460 Can I come in? 371 00:20:19,760 --> 00:20:21,960 Why? I want to talk to you. 372 00:20:22,200 --> 00:20:23,200 So talk. 373 00:20:23,300 --> 00:20:24,660 It's chilly out here. 374 00:20:24,940 --> 00:20:26,940 Well, jump up and down. Run on the spot. 375 00:20:30,780 --> 00:20:31,780 Well? 376 00:20:32,180 --> 00:20:34,540 I can't run and talk at the same time. 377 00:20:34,780 --> 00:20:36,760 Well, come in then. It's not locked. 378 00:20:44,240 --> 00:20:45,680 Hello. What is it? 379 00:20:46,500 --> 00:20:49,580 Um... I want your body. 380 00:20:51,880 --> 00:20:53,780 You wouldn't know what to do with it. 381 00:20:54,960 --> 00:20:56,080 Don't you believe it? 382 00:20:57,340 --> 00:21:01,380 Jane Russell told me I made Cary Grant look like a Nancy boy. 383 00:21:02,940 --> 00:21:04,260 No, she didn't. 384 00:21:04,480 --> 00:21:05,600 What do you want, Tom? 385 00:21:06,360 --> 00:21:10,300 Just thought that something might be troubling you. 386 00:21:10,620 --> 00:21:11,700 Why should you think that? 387 00:21:12,190 --> 00:21:14,670 Well, little things, you know. Little things. 388 00:21:15,330 --> 00:21:17,110 Being a perfect cow to everyone. 389 00:21:17,410 --> 00:21:19,590 Throwing a lunch over the dining room. 390 00:21:20,390 --> 00:21:21,390 Just little things. 391 00:21:21,810 --> 00:21:23,370 Tom? Yes, Diana? 392 00:21:24,430 --> 00:21:25,710 Look, I'm worried about you. 393 00:21:26,350 --> 00:21:28,550 You're going to have to grow up. You're going to have to be a man. 394 00:21:29,030 --> 00:21:32,150 Oh, but I am. Jane Russell told me... Shut up about Jane Russell. 395 00:21:32,570 --> 00:21:36,570 Just stay here with me for a moment, in the here and now, please. 396 00:21:37,050 --> 00:21:40,690 Right. Now, you got married young, right? 397 00:21:41,390 --> 00:21:45,050 Yes. And you had a wonderful wife who looked after you until she died. 398 00:21:45,750 --> 00:21:49,610 Yes. And then you went to live with that offensive son of yours and his lizard 399 00:21:49,610 --> 00:21:50,610 of a wife. 400 00:21:50,630 --> 00:21:52,310 Yes. And then you came here. 401 00:21:52,670 --> 00:21:55,030 What a fascinating story it is so far. 402 00:21:56,670 --> 00:21:59,150 Now, when you got here, you went into a total decline. 403 00:21:59,590 --> 00:22:02,670 You were either off in a world of your own or you were contemplating suicide. 404 00:22:03,430 --> 00:22:07,530 Then I met you. And I played some small part in kicking you back into some 405 00:22:07,530 --> 00:22:08,530 semblance of life. 406 00:22:09,160 --> 00:22:15,220 Yes, you taught me that to stay alive, I had to be bloody minded. Thank you, 407 00:22:15,220 --> 00:22:16,119 Diana. 408 00:22:16,120 --> 00:22:19,400 But would you be all right if I weren't here? 409 00:22:20,120 --> 00:22:21,140 So you are leaving? 410 00:22:21,420 --> 00:22:22,259 Who told you that? 411 00:22:22,260 --> 00:22:25,420 Oh, no one told me. Jane, I'll twist her ears off. 412 00:22:25,720 --> 00:22:27,240 Why are you leaving? 413 00:22:27,460 --> 00:22:29,200 We're fighting the good fight here. 414 00:22:29,960 --> 00:22:32,700 We're making some progress, getting the place into shape. 415 00:22:33,020 --> 00:22:37,220 A couple of... Years from now, all the old folk for miles around will be 416 00:22:37,220 --> 00:22:40,760 clamouring to get in. Tom, I'm not leaving of my own accord. 417 00:22:41,820 --> 00:22:42,820 What do you mean? 418 00:22:43,620 --> 00:22:46,780 We're a pain in their corporate buttock, Tom. 419 00:22:47,780 --> 00:22:51,780 They're getting rid of me and they'll get you next. They'll find a loophole 420 00:22:51,780 --> 00:22:54,780 they'll shove you through. And then where will you be? That's what worries 421 00:22:55,020 --> 00:22:56,720 Oh, do stop going on about me. 422 00:22:57,300 --> 00:23:01,640 This caring attitude doesn't suit you. Just tell me what the hell is going on 423 00:23:01,640 --> 00:23:02,640 I'll... 424 00:23:03,580 --> 00:23:05,460 I'll drag you into that bed with me. 425 00:23:09,080 --> 00:23:10,080 Well? 426 00:23:10,800 --> 00:23:12,160 My lips are sealed. 427 00:23:17,380 --> 00:23:18,520 You swine. 428 00:23:18,760 --> 00:23:19,760 Good morning, Tom. 429 00:23:20,860 --> 00:23:21,860 You cad. 430 00:23:22,020 --> 00:23:23,060 You bounder. 431 00:23:23,340 --> 00:23:24,360 You dog. 432 00:23:24,720 --> 00:23:25,800 Do sit down, Tom. 433 00:23:26,100 --> 00:23:28,120 No, I won't. All right, how can I help you? 434 00:23:28,440 --> 00:23:30,460 You could throw yourself under a bus to start with. 435 00:23:31,390 --> 00:23:33,130 Something's upsetting you. You are! 436 00:23:33,490 --> 00:23:35,530 You louse on the back of a worm. 437 00:23:36,390 --> 00:23:39,410 Could you give me a little hint about the general area of your problem? 438 00:23:39,970 --> 00:23:41,170 Crimes against mankind. 439 00:23:41,550 --> 00:23:43,110 Could you be a little more specific? 440 00:23:44,150 --> 00:23:46,790 Throwing defenceless old ladies out into the street. 441 00:23:47,070 --> 00:23:50,890 Oh, you mean Diana, that defenceless old lady. 442 00:23:51,170 --> 00:23:55,870 Yes. The defenceless old lady that drives a stolen Porsche, swears at 443 00:23:55,870 --> 00:23:57,050 the clergy and kicks people. 444 00:23:58,010 --> 00:23:59,010 Right. 445 00:24:01,379 --> 00:24:03,880 Tom, do you believe in the concept of truth? 446 00:24:04,520 --> 00:24:05,399 Of course. 447 00:24:05,400 --> 00:24:08,140 Well, Diana didn't tell the truth on her application form. 448 00:24:08,960 --> 00:24:10,720 So? Though she shouldn't be here. 449 00:24:11,100 --> 00:24:13,760 She should be in a place more capable of looking after her. 450 00:24:14,320 --> 00:24:17,280 As her condition deteriorates, she's going to need proper care. 451 00:24:17,960 --> 00:24:21,740 Well, well, well, I can look after her. 452 00:24:24,300 --> 00:24:26,280 Well, we can rush her to hospital. 453 00:24:26,620 --> 00:24:30,180 And should she only partially recover and still need help? 454 00:24:30,490 --> 00:24:31,870 She would have no place established. 455 00:24:32,650 --> 00:24:37,550 So to qualify for this little nirvana, you have to prove that you can die 456 00:24:37,550 --> 00:24:41,450 quickly and cleanly with no fuss or no need of care. 457 00:24:41,770 --> 00:24:44,710 I'm just an employee, Tom. I don't make the rule. 458 00:24:45,070 --> 00:24:46,090 When's the board meeting? 459 00:24:46,830 --> 00:24:47,830 This afternoon. 460 00:24:52,790 --> 00:24:56,230 Where are you going? 461 00:24:56,530 --> 00:24:57,650 To see my family. 462 00:24:58,220 --> 00:24:59,780 Give Marion a belt for me. 463 00:25:04,060 --> 00:25:05,080 This is the place. 464 00:25:08,760 --> 00:25:09,760 Wake here, please. 465 00:25:16,820 --> 00:25:17,820 Good morning. 466 00:25:18,260 --> 00:25:20,880 I would like a very naughty magazine, please. 467 00:25:22,140 --> 00:25:23,800 Oh, naughtier than that. 468 00:25:28,810 --> 00:25:29,810 I can't do that. 469 00:25:30,390 --> 00:25:33,390 I've never heard of anything so disgusting. 470 00:25:33,630 --> 00:25:35,130 It's really not on, Diane. 471 00:25:35,910 --> 00:25:36,910 All right. 472 00:25:36,990 --> 00:25:37,990 Just a thought. 473 00:25:39,390 --> 00:25:40,950 Of course, she goes. 474 00:25:41,450 --> 00:25:42,450 I go. 475 00:25:43,310 --> 00:25:46,090 What? I'm a man of principle, Marion. 476 00:25:46,530 --> 00:25:48,130 John F. Kennedy told me that. 477 00:25:48,890 --> 00:25:51,710 I would have to leave Bayview as well. 478 00:25:52,150 --> 00:25:53,210 But where would you go? 479 00:25:53,890 --> 00:25:55,850 Well, here, of course. 480 00:25:56,190 --> 00:25:57,930 Oh. What have we always said? 481 00:25:59,070 --> 00:26:01,810 Your home is my home. My home is your home. 482 00:26:02,070 --> 00:26:03,290 You haven't got a home. 483 00:26:03,670 --> 00:26:05,310 It's the principal, Marion. 484 00:26:05,770 --> 00:26:07,090 The hell with the principal. 485 00:26:07,970 --> 00:26:12,350 I'm not having swarms of geriatric loonies all over the house. 486 00:26:13,810 --> 00:26:14,990 Do what he wants. 487 00:26:21,090 --> 00:26:23,510 Glad I caught you. I'm a bit busy, Tom, at the board meeting. 488 00:26:23,790 --> 00:26:26,510 Oh, it won't take a minute. I want you to look at some of my holiday snaps. 489 00:26:26,830 --> 00:26:27,830 Couldn't it wait? 490 00:26:27,990 --> 00:26:29,390 Not if you want to keep your job. 491 00:26:34,330 --> 00:26:35,370 Naughty pictures, Tom? 492 00:26:35,790 --> 00:26:38,490 I don't think you've looked quite closely enough. 493 00:26:40,810 --> 00:26:42,670 Oh, my God. 494 00:26:43,190 --> 00:26:44,430 That man, it's me. 495 00:26:46,150 --> 00:26:47,510 And the lady in the boots. 496 00:26:48,010 --> 00:26:49,010 It's Jane. 497 00:26:51,120 --> 00:26:51,919 That's not me. 498 00:26:51,920 --> 00:26:52,920 It's your face. 499 00:26:53,440 --> 00:26:54,780 But it's not my body. 500 00:26:55,460 --> 00:26:57,160 It certainly isn't Jane's body. 501 00:26:58,600 --> 00:27:01,480 Look, I don't know what you're playing at, Tom, but I find this quite obscene. 502 00:27:01,580 --> 00:27:06,120 No more obscene than trying to bung old Diana out into the cold, cold snow. 503 00:27:06,740 --> 00:27:09,420 What, are you serious? You're going to try and blackmail me with these? 504 00:27:09,680 --> 00:27:12,240 Yes. But anyone can see that's not me. 505 00:27:13,820 --> 00:27:17,180 Only if they see you naked. Are you prepared to strip off in front of the 506 00:27:20,960 --> 00:27:22,160 That was a nice try, Tom. 507 00:27:22,960 --> 00:27:25,460 But I'm not a fool, and neither are the board. Excuse me. 508 00:27:26,580 --> 00:27:29,660 Oh, if you want to come with me and show those pictures to the board, you're 509 00:27:29,660 --> 00:27:30,660 more than welcome. 510 00:27:31,040 --> 00:27:32,620 But I think you might look a bit silly. 511 00:27:34,380 --> 00:27:35,740 This is real life, Tom. 512 00:27:36,580 --> 00:27:37,580 I'm sorry. 513 00:27:41,900 --> 00:27:48,580 Hello, Tom. 514 00:27:49,180 --> 00:27:50,180 Where are you off to today? 515 00:27:50,830 --> 00:27:51,830 Somewhere exciting? 516 00:27:52,770 --> 00:27:53,770 Afghanistan? 517 00:27:54,150 --> 00:27:55,150 Argentina? 518 00:27:55,670 --> 00:27:58,450 Are you hanging around Custer's last stand again? 519 00:27:59,450 --> 00:28:00,449 I'm here. 520 00:28:00,450 --> 00:28:02,410 Oh, well, it's nice to see you. 521 00:28:04,670 --> 00:28:06,390 What makes you so cheerful? 522 00:28:07,390 --> 00:28:08,390 It's a nice day. 523 00:28:08,950 --> 00:28:10,590 You're glad you're leaving, aren't you? 524 00:28:10,930 --> 00:28:13,730 Had enough of us old brute noobs. 525 00:28:14,190 --> 00:28:17,090 Off to the south of France, eh? Get a toy boy. 526 00:28:17,390 --> 00:28:19,190 Well, go ahead. 527 00:28:19,980 --> 00:28:20,980 Enjoy yourself. 528 00:28:21,180 --> 00:28:22,660 I'm not going anywhere, Tom. 529 00:28:23,220 --> 00:28:25,080 Send me a PC if you remember. 530 00:28:27,660 --> 00:28:28,680 You're not going? 531 00:28:29,100 --> 00:28:31,340 No. What about the board meeting? 532 00:28:31,780 --> 00:28:35,000 I was a journalist, Tom. Not all my chums are dead. 533 00:28:35,380 --> 00:28:38,860 Last night the board members were asked if they would like to be interviewed 534 00:28:38,860 --> 00:28:42,480 about the tax advantages of investing in homes for the elderly. 535 00:28:43,020 --> 00:28:46,740 There was much spluttering and groveling throughout the land. 536 00:28:48,190 --> 00:28:49,190 So you'll be staying? 537 00:28:49,790 --> 00:28:51,570 I think there's a strong possibility. 538 00:28:52,710 --> 00:28:53,330 You 539 00:28:53,330 --> 00:29:00,970 dirty 540 00:29:00,970 --> 00:29:06,930 old man! 541 00:29:07,590 --> 00:29:09,750 No, no, you don't understand. 542 00:29:10,150 --> 00:29:11,410 Oh, I think I do. 543 00:29:12,290 --> 00:29:14,710 You bloody old fool.