Original subtitles

Are you sure this is safe, Mel?

Shannon, don't worry. You're here with VIP.

We've got you covered, okay?

It's just that I've been such a nervous wreck.

Ever since those, you know, terrorist kidnappers put a price on my head. I

Every mercenary in town is trying to kill you. Just relax.

I've learned anything in this business, you've just got to relax when you can,

enjoy yourself, and get your troubles.

It's them. Yeah, it's them.

Oh, I know.

Tasha's got them. Don't worry.

Okay, guess you're right.

Oh, there's more.

Nikki wants to chat. Don't worry.

Hey.

Wow. You guys really had this thing down by the numbers.

Yeah, it was a pretty routine case.

Do you ever get a reaction, Michelle?

Not if I can avoid it.

I'm not a violent person.

They can't trash it now. They enjoy it.

Should I be worried?

No, no, it's Cliff's turn.

Now, one of them's probably just going to slip by, and I'll nail him with the

ice chest.

Wait.

Do you mind if I...

Give it a try. Oh, be my guest. Go for it.

You're right. Now I really,

really ought to learn to relax more.

Just so.

Yeah.

You guys don't understand. I got my lucky punch. I'm not a bodyguard. But we

are. You'll just be a figurehead.

A name on the door. You'll probably never even leave the office.

You'll help us pull in the rich and famous.

We'll do the rest. We're professionals.

We'll take care of all the tough stuff. I'll never be in any danger.

Never. Never. Never.

Hey, I'm the vice president of production, not God.

Is it my fault New Era green -lighted a picture on the basis of a raunchy

script?

I did.

Fine. It is my fault.

So what do you want me to do?

I don't know.

Save money on the lighting.

Feel the cool shimmering As it squashes

over Slowly eyes opening to a longing

Somebody like you.

Somewhere in this world.

Somebody like me.

We lucked out.

Our last client owning a massage parlor. Yeah, we did.

Now all you need to do is protect a personal trainer and my life will be

complete. You hate working out. You hate to work out.

working out.

I'm gonna watch him work out.

Val's house of oil.

Val, thank God you're there.

I recognize that voice.

I miss the studio party at Union.

Dry martini, two olives.

I can put you in my movie.

It's a bad pickup line, but this is no joke. Are you available for some

bodyguard work like right now?

Why, what's up?

I've been following since Calabasas.

Where are you? I just passed Laurel Canyon.

I'm going to try to make it over to Sunset, so I'll call you when I get

Max, call Tasha.

Try to get over here right away and pick me up. Okay.

Just turn around for a second.

Don't be shy.

I'm shy.

You're shy.

I'm shy. You're very shy.

I know.

Ooh, your tag is showing.

VIP?

Maxine De La Cruz here.

What can I do for you today?

Ooh, if you give me a minute, I can think about it.

Mm -hmm.

Will you stop flirting with Quick and just tell him to get over here?

Who's flirting?

Hello, Steve?

Belle, where are you?

Are they still following you?

Belle, I can't shake this guy.

Belle, just ask him where he is. Just tell me where you are.

I'm heading west on Sunset.

That's less than a mile away.

You testify, Wisner. You're a dead man.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Belle!

Okay, tough guy, grab some food before I feed it to you. She'll do it, too.

You okay?

Yeah, fine, thanks.

You're welcome.

Maybe now's a good time to explain what's going on.

Sure, fine. You want the pitch? Fade in on a rising studio executive who's

minding his own business when all of a sudden he discovers the bootleg video

scan. Cut to the chase. I've got a short attention span.

I was supposed to testify in secret, but obviously somebody hires these geniuses

to shut me up. Guess no one thought about police protection.

Well, the FBI said they'd have round -the -clock protection.

They're probably at a Starbucks somewhere.

paper, Sam.

I had no idea he was our client.

Yeah, well, he's still getting a bill from us either way.

Not again.

Pick yourself, man. I'm still ready to rumble. Relax.

They're the good guys.

Agents McCoy and Lampert. FBI.

Yeah, they're the ones assigned to watch out for me.

And they're doing quite a job.

I smell promotion.

Real funny.

Who are you? We were the ones who were there when he needed you.

We're sorry, Mr. Wesner. You were driving so fast, our tail car lost you.

Lost him? Do you know that thief was almost killed?

Won't happen again?

Come on.

Let's go.

Whoa, big fella. Just a second.

What if I wanted to hire a VIP?

It's not possible.

Actually, it is.

See, Mr. Wisner's a private citizen, so he can hire whoever he wants.

He's right.

But right now, this house is the most secure place for Mr. Wisner to be.

All right, we've vetted the house staff, swept for bombs.

This is where he's staying.

You don't mind if we double -check?

I'd like Val personally looking out for me.

If that's okay with you.

Actually, it would be better if... No, it's fine.

It's fine.

I've always wanted to see a movie producer's house anyway.

Keep the communication line turned on so we can keep tabs.

This case of yours?

It's supposed to be a secret testimony?

That's right.

Well, newsflash.

Your secret's out.

How did you win on us?

Yep.

What does a producer do, anyway? I've always kind of wondered that.

A producer?

It's kind of like, well, it's complicated.

You see, I have to do everything.

I mean, I do everything. If I didn't tell everyone everything to do, nothing

would come of anything.

Dear Steve, if you ever actually take time to read something instead of having

your assistant do it, then read this.

You're no talent jackass.

Let me see that.

Those kidders.

You know, I never thought you'd be calling me after that premiere.

Well, I never thought I'd be a target.

I guess saving people's lives is all in a day's work for you.

Yeah, all in a day's work.

Okay, nice story, except I did all the work at that screening. I think Val was

out looking for clam dip or something.

Your studio sticks are all alike.

Yeah, come on. Maybe the guy will put us in a movie.

Give him a chance.

Right. The next thing you know, he'll probably be inviting her to his jacuzzi.

Hey, let's hit the jacuzzi. I think I got a suit just your size.

I'm sure you do.

What are they doing here?

Oh, these are my housekeepers.

Helga and Ursula.

They're from Sweden.

Yeah. Thank you, pal.

Shouldn't they be cleaning some disgusting mess in the kitchen below

Yeah, yeah, right.

Well, they were just cleaning the jacuzzi's filters.

It's a chopper.

Go figure.

Guess that's how it's done in Sweden.

I'm sorry, lady. She's the guest. We'll just have to finish cleaning later.

Oh, you a pooper.

Did you get ketchup?

Plenty. Look at the bottom.

We're not sending him out again. That is it.

There you go.

Yeah. Whatever.

Beautiful night.

It's me, you, and the bubbles.

I really like you, pal.

I really like you, too, Steve.

That's why I need to tell you something.

Now, don't get really...

Please do not tell him you are not a bodyguard.

I'm not a real bodyguard.

Hey, I'm not really a big shot producer either.

Inside, we're all just scared little kids.

True.

But the truth has a little more to it than that, though. Well, the truth is

overrated. Look what happened to me.

I tried to do the right thing, exposing the bootleg scandal. Now people are

hunting me.

The thing you're testified to, it must be really big.

Fans of the globe.

There are top studio executives involved.

Are you naming names?

Some.

Enough.

Any I know?

These ladies really privatize.

Anyone with a sheen?

This whizner is spilling his guts.

Maybe everybody just lets him with our reception.

It's really scary.

Steve?

I have a message. for you.

Can it wait?

Oh, great. Is this another Swedish thing?

I don't know, but I have got to give her a raise.

He's dead.

You okay?

I'm okay as I can be.

All right.

So, after this housekeeper dropped her top and opened fire, what did you do?

I hyperventilated. I always hyperventilate when I freak out.

Why didn't you go after the shooter?

It's kind of hard to do a spring back kick in a jacuzzi. What exactly were you

doing in a jacuzzi?

I was jacuzziing.

Is that your idea of providing protection?

All right, that's enough.

Valerie Irons is a professional bodyguard.

She obviously knew what she was doing.

Thanks, Bruce. If she knew what she was doing, why is Wisner dead?

Can I get another bottle of water?

Why ask me? You made it pretty clear this was an FBI case. Hell, I didn't

get to see the body.

Look, we'll take care of the autopsy.

We done here?

Don't leave town. We'll be in touch.

What do you mean, be in touch? What do you mean, be in touch?

I didn't do anything.

Yeah, but she didn't do anything.

That's the problem.

She didn't do anything.

We never should have let a non -pro -like Val front the company.

Seems like Val tried to do the right thing.

Look, we just need to deal with it and move on.

Whatever. My ears are ringing. I know you guys are talking about me. No, we're

not. Yes, we were.

About how you let the client get killed.

Look, I like the guy. You're acting as if I killed him. No, just our

What good are bodyguards that can't protect their clients?

We've got company.

As you left.

What can we do for you? Well, we may have overlooked some details.

Can I buy you a cup of coffee?

We've got coffee here. We've got Kona, we've got decaf, we've got mochas. He

wants to talk to you alone.

I need you to come downtown and answer a few more questions.

Look, you already told me I can't leave town.

Now you want me to come downtown?

I'm getting scared.

I don't mean to scare you.

It's all right, Val.

How long has that been there?

You okay?

Yeah, I'm okay. I knew coming downtown was going to be a bad idea.

What do they want?

You. That's what I was going to tell you.

Now that you know what Wizard knew, you're a target.

I'm going to get back to the office. No, you can't. That's the first place

they'll look. You've got to go underground.

All right, don't contact anyone. Don't go home. Don't call anyone, especially

not VIP.

And don't use your cell phone.

Here, take this. That's all I got. Well, what am I going to do? Look, there's no

time for questions, all right?

You've got to get moving.

I'll contact you. Two rings and a hang -up. Make the next call as me.

Here. I don't want a gun.

Yeah, get used to it. Hey, Grandpa.

What? Be careful.

It's so weird.

Val is not answering her cell phone.

She's in mourning.

There's a special place to shop for that, isn't there?

If she's on the run, Val's in trouble.

She sticks out like a sore thumb. Those bootleggers will find her in a second.

She's a beauty, isn't she?

Yeah, if you're looking for a junk heap for target practice.

Target practice. That's a good one.

It gets better.

I guess you're a real bargain hunter.

Hunter, yeah.

Bargain, definitely.

I hear you.

Now, keep in mind this baby's got low miles and a V6 overhead cam.

Normally, I'd have to get $850 for it.

$500 cash.

Plus a lady Rolex.

Well, how do I know it's not a knockoff?

How do I know this turd heat's still going to move after I'm off the lot?

Deal.

That was easy.

What took you so long?

Traffic.

Thanks, Helga.

Mind if I count it?

My guest.

Pleasure doing business with you.

Likewise.

She what?

Fled. We were ambushed outside of Starbucks, then she just took off.

Poor Val.

She must be so scared.

I think she'd call us.

She hasn't contacted you by now?

Not a word.

What I don't understand is why she'd be ambushed in the first place.

She knows too much.

It'll be a first time for everything.

Well, if she does contact you, don't be heroes.

Call us immediately.

So you can help her like you did Widener?

We'll be much.

Is it me, or does something seem way off?

She would have called us.

Yeah, unless something's really got us scared.

I forgot my pen.

Your pen.

I just thought you should know we're investigating Lambert.

Lambert? He could be the leak.

So if Miss Irons does call, you should call me.

Thanks.

I hate being right.

And it's all out to us.

In another bedtime story.

In another bedtime story.

In another bedtime story. Now, what's on my spoon?

You are the only person I trust and I don't know why.

Monkey. Everybody else gets that.

Oh,

well, I did my best. Go, you pig.

Jeremy, go in.

Look at her, little sister.

Well, don't worry. I'll protect you. Good.

That's children.

Hello. Hello.

Uh -oh, the pipe leaves in the house.

We're trying to have some fun. Come on.

for free because she was never that generous with me.

Max's penthouse.

Yeah, the one her manufacturer brought her. You know that dork who buys those

lame old inventions?

Yes, yes, yes. We both live in Maxine's beautiful penthouse.

So, give me the lowdown on this manifest.

What kind of name is Quick anyway?

Oh, her man, yes. A very good boyfriend kind of name. Yeah, you know, especially

if you're an arrest.

Okay, thank you, Detective.

Detective Grisby said that some nameless man came and bailed the housekeeper out

of jail.

Somebody obviously paid him off.

They set Val up.

Worse than that, there's an APB out on her.

For what?

She left town and she wasn't supposed to.

She's listed as armed and dangerous.

Val! Now we have the so -called good guys and the bad guys after. Yeah, well,

gotta find her before someone else does.

Not at the penthouse, but she didn't even go home to change her clothes.

This must be serious.

All I found was a note from Maxine saying she was at her mother's.

Wait, Val and Maxine both out of town?

Anybody see a connection?

No, even if they're both at Maxine's mom's, we'll never find them. There's

to be at least three pages of Della Cruz's in the phone book. I know she

a lot of time on those online chat rooms.

Maybe I can find a profile.

This whole thing smells.

Why involve Val?

5 '10", 36D, and leather.

Oops. This must be one of Maxine's alternative profiles. Hold on a second.

What's her screen name on that one?

Ebony Delight.

Why?

No reason.

Okay, here's the real one.

Born and raised in Whittier, California.

Got an address?

The next morning, he awaits to find himself in a bathtub filled with ice.

And written on the wall, it says, call 911.

And he looks at his chest, and he notices that his heart is missing.

And then... Hold up, hold up. Wait a minute.

Wait a second. He looked at his chest, and his heart was missing.

Wouldn't he be dead?

It's an urban legend, silly. It's not supposed to be true.

This is the place.

Anyway.

Then there's a knock at the door.

Break it down.

It's all right. Okay. What do we do now?

Everybody just go turn off the light and get to the basement. But wait a minute.

Isn't that what you do during a tornado?

Okay. Okay. Okay.

Wait a minute.

Don't come any closer.

Don't come any closer.

See that little red light?

It's aimed right between your eyes.

You can't see the little dot on your forehead, but I can.

If I pull the trigger, I'm not going to miss.

Put your hands up!

In a baby's toe -counting game, it's what you... Yeah, what about you? It's

Donnie and Marisha.

My arm!

Oh, what took you so long?

What happened to High Quick? Thanks for showing up in the nick of time.

High Quick, thanks for showing up in the nick of time.

What took you so long?

Real funny.

Come on, let's go.

Police should be at Maxine's mom's any minute now.

Cheryl, I said no boys in the house.

Sir, I'd like to be more interested in us.

Thanks, Kay.

What's up?

Guess who bailed out our hot tubbing housekeeper?

Ken Starr.

Lambert. Why would he do that?

Because he's the leak.

This is worse than going downtown.

Oh, my God.

Ring.

What should I do?

Tell him you're alone. Tell him you want to meet with him.

Hello?

Of course I'm alone. Of course.

Me, all by my lonesome. I'm just here all by myself. Really, by myself.

Um, okay. Safe house? Okay.

Got it.

Bye.

He wants to meet me at some safe house.

Sounds like a trap.

We'll be ready for him.

Were you followed?

And shot at.

Don't forget about me.

Just put the gun down.

I can explain everything.

You first.

Now.

Just let me show you something inside.

Don't move.

Put the gun down!

I'm gonna shoot!

Don't move!

Be cool.

Just let me open the door.

Hello?

Valerie!

What are you doing here?

We made it look like Steve had been killed to take the heat off.

What's with that whole stupid Val fugitive thing?

Val, believe me, they just told me you'd be a witness to my murder, nothing

more.

We've been trying to find our leak, and once you were ambushed, let's just say

you were a very useful target.

Well, did you find the leak?

Not yet.

Changing the guard.

How you guys doing? Hey, guys.

New shifts in town.

When do you want to move him out?

Soon. Wizards are doing court tomorrow.

I'm going to get something from the car.

I'm really sorry.

Like I said, I didn't know it would turn into such a big thing. Steve, Steve, I

said it's okay.

I'm just glad you're okay.

You're the only one I can trust to help me out.

Just don't do it again.

Tasha, we've got a problem. Those new agents are phonies. Agent Lambert.

Nice of you to join us.

You know how much these duds would cost in a movie? God, I wish we were ruined.

Steve, hello, this is for real, okay? Just get down.

Thanks for the assist.

Kicked his ass.

You guys must work on my next flick. Wait.

Wait. I'm channeling an idea. Yes.

Fade in on three lethal ladies in leather.

Sorry.

Three lethal ladies in leather and their suave male bodyguard, Quick Williams,

kicking the tar out of them.

Looks like he's been plugged.

No, I mean it, Val. This last week has changed my life. I've never felt so

and, hey, because of you.

You made me see what I really want in life.

Oh, Steve, it's just because you're, you know, you're... In love.

No. Yes.

No. Yes. No. You did it to me, Val. You made me see what I really need.

It's action. That's my true love. Once I'm resettled in the witness protection

program, I'm going to take up extreme sports. Maybe even shoot a first -person

documentary.

Thank you, Val.

I'll never forget you.

Come on, Superstud.

We're ready to move out. Right.

By bureau standards, she was an acceptable loss, sorry to say.

To crack the case.

After the ambush at the coffee house, right?

That's right.

The problem is, that only leaves one thing unexplained.

What's that?

The part where Wisner spills his guts to Val.

Completely choreographed, so only Val heard.

You set her up.

Like I said, she was an acceptable loss. Take a hike, or you'll be an acceptable

loss.

If you're losing your debt, if there's ever anything you need, just let me

Lambert, there's one thing.

Our reputation, we'd like it back.

Well, there's not much I can do now that he's entered the witness program.

Officially, he's dead.

Find a way, or we'll make it unofficial.

Los Angeles Police Department officials do support the measure. Saying such

handguns account for about 2 ,000 of the 7 ,000 weapons used in crimes and

seized annually by the LAPD.

We strongly support this ordinance, Captain Richard Crane told the council.

We do have an illegal weapons and trafficking problem in the city, and we

this ordinance definitely impacts the problem.

This was definitely a good idea. I know.

I had no idea how tense I was.

Well, Dolly, Bruce, we're dealing with yet another example of Hollywood's hold

on worldwide popular culture. Federal authorities have busted a major

videocassette bootlegging operation.

Testimony from Millennium Pictures' vice president, Steve Wisner, who lives

right behind me here, instrumental in cracking that case. Also helping out,

Valerie Irons Protection Agency of Beverly Hills. Back to you.

At least we got some free advertising.

And thanks to Valerie Irons, the world is safe again.

Well, it's video bootlegging. It's a global thing, so I guess I did save the

world.