Original subtitles

Stay tight. Me and my friend here are going to persuade those knuckles raggers

to back off.

Come and get it, baby.

They got friends, too.

Okay, get behind and spin them. What?

Jerk the wheel, jam the grip.

Okay, but if we go over the cliff, our client's going to be really upset.

Yeah, baby, how you like that?

Oh, my God.

Are they going to survive?

Well, there's water down there.

If they're smart, they'll get out just before...

Mr.

Carroth, are you okay?

Excuse me, I had bus rides in the minors worse than that.

Oh, good, good, good.

All right, come on, slugger, let's get you to Dodger Stadium.

Hey, Skip, what do you mean, is it?

Well, it sounds like he's tripping.

Oh,

these are very nice.

Oh, this one's perfect for the self -miss ball.

Sorry, I had my eye on that one.

Excuse me?

Give it back.

Give it.

It's mine.

Excuse me. I don't think so.

Who are you, the Queen of Sheba?

That's what I get for shopping off the rack.

Hello? Val, time to show some face.

I'm going to see a new client.

I can't right now. I'm negotiating.

You don't want to miss this. We're going to do the chat show thing, baby.

Actually, we do more screaming than chatting.

It's the Ronnie Beeman Show.

Ronnie Beeman?

Max and I love that show.

Watch out, Denzel.

Yeah.

Just hung up with Val. She's meeting us at the Beeman studio.

I guess they want to pre -interview us after we watch the show.

Being on national television does not exactly do wonders for our undercover

security work.

Yeah, but a little PR will increase our overcover work, which I will take. Thank

you very much.

Nikki and I will meet you down there after the taping.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You're not going either? Those talk shows are so

tired. All that clapping for no reason.

Yeah, but you get to scream and yell and jump up and down, huh?

Yeah, when they tell you to.

That's not my style.

I'll go.

Cool. All right, Kate.

Sorry, you have to stay here and answer the phone.

We'll catch up to you after the taping.

Ronnie Beamon just probably wants a date with Val anyway.

Can you be more cynical?

Nope. All right, ladies.

See you at the Beamon show.

Ronnie! Ronnie! Ronnie!

There we go. Yeah, yeah. Happy, happy. Go two.

Good reaction. Take it, one.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Rodney Dillon Show!

Go, go one.

We're here to enjoy the show. We're here to meet Freeman. Yeah, that's it. Move

in tight. Move in. Push in. Push in two. Push in two. All right, take it two.

Yeah, nice shot. There you go.

Very nice. All right, one.

Get the crowd.

Thank you.

Ronnie, Ronnie, Ronnie.

That's wonderful. Thank you.

Thank you very much. Oh, what a good -looking bar.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Sit down.

Thank you. Thank you very much. That was great.

We have a great show. Our best ever.

Kissing Cousins.

One of my favorites. Can a family be too close? Huh?

Oh, I'd left. Our two associates.

Quick Williams and... Valerie Irons. Hi.

You're as lovely as your photos.

Thank you so much for having us as guests on your show. You guys?

Guests?

Did I say that?

You didn't ask us here to be the caterers. No, no, no, no, no. What I

that I want you on the show, but I want you as bodyguards. Of course. Didn't my

assistant tell you that? God, she does that to me all the time.

Excuse me.

You want us to be the studio goons? This is a big, this big ratings period. You

know, I want the show to have a little extra, you know.

Edge. Be good for you guys, too.

Oh, no.

Mallory. Mallory!

Not so much jalapenos.

You don't want me belching all over my guests. All right, that is it.

For the preliminary interview.

So what kind of numbers are we talking about here?

Well, you just, you know, charge me a going rig. You don't ask for Valerie

and then haggle about price, right? Oh, we'll negotiate. Yeah, well.

Aren't you delightful?

Marty, what time is my mud bath?

Yeah, what about you?

Hey, I don't care that she's your sister.

We're not sick.

Yes, yes.

Do you believe what he just said? I understand.

These people are very worked up here.

I hate it when it gets too violent.

Yeah, I liked it better when I used to have all the T and A.

Oh, that's Tasha. She said she had to come and talk to me.

Hi, Tasha. Did you want something?

Yes, to get this over with.

Hi, Maxine. Hello.

Have a nice day. See you later.

I'll be in Westwood. Go on.

Okay, so, uh, what did I do now?

It's about what I think you might do.

There's a little difference of opinion with the Ronnie Beeman case.

Quick seems to think it's a good idea.

So there's no difference of opinion?

When do we get started?

Was the difference of opinion yours by any chance?

And Nikki's.

Oh, so you've come to me for the deciding vote. Well, my name happens to

the door.

Fine. And you can sign for all the deliveries.

You know, Ronnie Beeman happens to be a very important talk show host, and he is

deserving of our protection. Okay? I'm going to get dressed.

What should I wear?

Hey, fire it up.

Yeah.

You got a table, Adam?

We got 18 -feet of coax over here.

All right, put the guys.

If you get too abusive, put their face right up against that wall. All right?

Body them a little bit. Let them know you're in control.

There, pal.

Okay.

Little chicks.

Chicks get a little wiggy. Push them right back down in that seat.

Cool. I know how to handle them.

Beeman doesn't need bouncers. What he needs is animal control.

Ronnie deals with real problems that real people have.

Where else can you tune into this kind of honesty?

I don't know. How about your family reunion?

Oh, that's a good one.

Hey, that's great.

That's great. Get it all out now.

If I see your head pop up during the show, I'm going to squish it like a...

down.

You guys okay? Can I get you anything?

Welcome to the show.

It's going to be a lot of fun. Quiet, please.

Places.

And now, the man who brings real life to TV.

Thank you. Thank you very much. That was fantastic.

We've got a special treat for you today.

Not only do we have a fantastic group of guests backstage, ready to come out

here, right here in our audience. Is that guy allowed to be taping the show?

world's greatest bodyguard agency, Valerie Irons Protection.

He's not taping.

That's a sniper scope.

Third row bad guy in green. Check him out. So, can we just turn the cameras

around so we can get a look at our security in action?

Stand the crowd. VIP has got celebrities as Barbara Streisand, Madonna, Jay

Leno, and the list goes... Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's going on? What's going on

here? There are two. Move into the crowd. Move into the crowd. Yeah.

Stay calm.

Stay calm.

People,

what the hell is going on here?

Morty, did you cast this guy to death? This is great.

I've never seen him before.

Move out of the way.

That's it.

Nice work.

I've never seen anything like this.

Nicky, watch out.

Coming at you.

ladies and gentlemen the great vip in action 15 minutes of fable rough

uh can we get a camera on val irons please she's not only tough she's

beautiful okay okay as a matter of fact i am hiring

vip right now on the spot to be my own personal full -time bodyguards what do

you think about that

We'll watch out for a few spotlight -grabbing amateurs.

Dad, we're looking to grab more than just a spotlight.

Next time, we won't fail.

We?

They got Kilborn. What?

Don't worry.

He knows what to do.

What, you couldn't help him? No.

It was impossible, Decker.

Beeman's beefed up security.

Valerie Irons' protection.

The best.

Maybe we should wait.

All those cameras and now VIP.

No. It's perfect.

We'll make the kind of point we need to make to this country.

The time is now, gentlemen.

We're good to go.

What is your name?

My name is Daniel J.

Kilbourn. Why do you want Beeman dead?

Who are you working with?

My name is Daniel J.

Kilbourn. Say it again and I tie your tongue in a knot.

Check out that cool tattoo.

Don't get me wrong, I like it.

This isn't a beauty contest, Val.

This guy's trying to kill people.

The gray ghost.

His hunting skills are unsurpassed by any other bird.

So... So you like birds.

I had a parakeet once.

Her name was Cheeper.

I'll remember how nice you were to me.

No, wait.

He's dead.

Self -righteous pressure groups will love this mess.

How could anyone commit suicide on your show?

A lot of people around me want to kill themselves.

You'd be surprised.

Not really.

The difference is, this guy did it.

Which is why I can't let this horrible human tragedy be forgotten.

I know. I'll set up a suicide prevention fund in Kilburn's name.

No.

Maybe it should be in my name.

More publicity for the cause.

Of course, I may have to throw in a couple grand myself to kick it off.

You better save your chips, because you need our protection big time now, and

it's going to cost you.

Spending money is no problem for me.

You'll learn that soon enough.

Here's your drink, Ronnie.

Here's a little something for you.

Hey, Ronnie.

Ronnie. Hey, man, I'm going to be on your show this week.

Can you believe that jerk?

That's great. I'm really looking forward to that. Now, you remember, you give me

everything you got. Oh, I know, I know. I've been on your show before. I got the

metal plate in my head to prove it.

Hey.

I don't know.

Val seems to think he's pretty terrific.

Val has been looking for a TV hero ever since Mr.

Rogers went out the air.

He's still on.

Okay, I'm not even going to ask how you know that.

Okay.

Ronnie,

please, could you? Oh, yes, I could. I could indeed.

Yes, I think so.

Yes. He's not perfect.

They get a kick out of him.

Harmless. What does a girl have to do to get a job on your show?

You stop by any time. You talk to my director, Morty.

Great. Could you just do one more?

Yes, I can do one more or two more. Oh, man.

I'll go talk to him.

We don't need to see that, okay?

Ronnie, move along, please.

Val, honey, I love you.

I really love you, but these are my people.

I owe it to them to give a little of myself.

You don't need to do this.

They're using you, and it's cheap.

Well, cheap's not that bad.

Maybe you and I should try it together sometime.

Whatever happened to the old Ronnie Beeman?

Do you remember that show you did where you inspired the blind man to go back to

school?

That was a good show.

It was a great show.

You were a role model.

If you're going to be a dumbass, then you're just going to promote

I was a serious journalist. You're right.

How could I have lost my way like this?

The pressure is unbelievable.

The network.

Wants me to become some sort of carnival barker. You don't know what it's like.

Constantly pretending to be someone that you're not.

I know what it's like.

No.

You are exactly who you are.

You're gorgeous.

You're delightful.

You are the greatest bodyguard in the world.

Maybe you can help me.

Well, if it's to freshen your drink, I don't wait.

Val, Val, hearing you talk is a revelation.

You are so perceptive. You're so focused on who I was, on who I can be again.

I need someone to save me from what I've become. I need you.

Me?

No, no.

Go sit with your friends. I need to make a call.

Okay.

Give him a break.

I think he's talking to his therapist.

Howard, it's me.

I think I found the answer to all my problems.

Daniel J. Kilbourne. No police record. No driver's license or social security.

Not even a Blockbuster video card. This guy is a complete cipher.

Except for his tattoo.

Huh?

The gray ghost.

Also known as the Northern Glasshawk. You think Kilbourne's a member of the

Audubon Society?

Of course not.

Hawk talons symbolize strength, aggression.

Vowel may be on to something.

Scan this and see if it matches any known military emblems. Yeah, all right.

Bye. Nikki's watching Beeman over this condo. I'm surprised that jerk's not

hitting him. I'm trying, but she hit back. What's bugging me is all those

throwing themselves at Beeman last night at the club. People idolize him. Well,

he sure didn't look scared. So you think this whole threat's for show? Look, he

brought us in for ratings. He could have done the same with Kilborn. I've got a

match.

The Killer Hawks, an elite black ops commando unit, four men and one woman.

No one even knew they existed.

Last known location, Azerbaijani prison.

They were detained in 92 after a top -secret mission failed.

None of them have been seen since.

Wait a minute.

Not until yesterday.

Bingo.

You know what I think? I think you're going nuts. Maybe. All right, calm down.

can't. Why not? I don't know.

I just know I hate my life. You know what? What?

Our perfect Ronnie is off track.

Huh? He wants me to help him.

How am I supposed to help him? I'm not who I pretend to be, either.

Just like everybody else.

Taking the truth and putting it in a nice, fancy package.

Oh, come on. Tasha's right.

Me? A world -famous bodyguard?

Ah, come on, Val.

Just like those women in Beverly Hills who serve up dinner straight from the

supermarket. Husband complains, they throw a piece of parsley on the plate,

bam, there you have it. Home -cooked meal.

Is that so wrong?

Depends what side of the table you're on. Come on, Val.

Look, people come to you.

They're hopeless, and they're scared.

And you guys give them hope.

All right?

You're such a good friend, Max.

Yeah. Yeah.

You have to come with me tomorrow to the studio, and you can meet Ronnie in

person. Oh, Ronnie. Oh, yes, yes, yes.

I cannot believe I have to calm down. I am leaving.

You look great. You're going to love this. You're going to love it. You've

sex fiends, secret internet identities, and that's followed by Alex Trigger.

Now, he's the guy with the cat conspiracy bit. What about tomorrow?

The sex star retirement.

And then Ben Hale of the NSA. He squares up against greedy government

whistleblowers. Val, I was hoping that you'd be here. This is my roommate,

Maxine. She's a fashion designer.

Trying to be.

Provocative. So, what's it like living with the world's greatest bodyguard? You

must feel very safe.

Not when I'm trying to keep a man to myself, it's not so safe.

Well, opened my eyes to some things last night. I'm glad she did.

You know what you said last night about being phony?

Yes. I was thinking about the same thing myself. And with your help, I'm going

to put all of that behind me. Excuse me, Mr. B. You need it in your office.

This isn't fair.

I have to tell him the truth.

You know what's not fair?

Me and you moving back to some rat trap because you keep trying to screw up this

cush job of yours.

Cut it out.

Hang on.

Hang on.

Right here?

Calm down.

I haven't even touched her yet.

Not you, Ronnie.

Him?

All right, let's go.

Let's go. Off against the wall. Off against the wall. Right there. Do it

yourself. Right now. You too. One shot. Let's go. Right now.

All right, now. Stay there.

Don't move.

Josh,

you've got one on the move. Six foot one, Josh's head.

We're on him.

Thank you.

Your electronic chip wire.

Turn on fast forward wallpaper.

Check this out.

It's the Ronnie Beeman studio.

I bet they weren't using these for remodeling tips.

MREs. With all this food, he could have waited days to get his shot.

How'd you get in here anyway? I thought you were locked in your office.

There's underground utility tunnels I have.

Passage in my office I find useful at times.

We need to put you on ice somewhere for your own safety.

There's no way. I shut down during a ratings period.

Ronnie, you're in danger. You have to replace yourself.

A guest host with no notice?

I need someone smooth, quick on her feet.

Someone who looks great in front of a camera.

It's the Ronnie Beeman Show with today's special guest host, the hip, the slick,

Quick Williams!

Thank you.

Today, exhibitions and the women who love the men who love them.

Who knows why these women do that thing?

Hey,

bud.

Don't disturb the guest host. Off with that.

Hey, hey, hey.

Ronnie wants you to call him.

He said you'd know where.

Okay.

Ronnie, okay.

Off with this.

Oh, okay.

Hi,

Kay. Is Ronnie there?

Yeah.

Mr. Beeman?

I'm Trey.

Mr. Beeman, this is not a clothing optional hot tub.

It's too late. I'm already exercising my option.

You care to join me?

No, no, no, no.

The hot tub is for Miss Irons and her client.

Separately. Of course. Not together. That really wouldn't be... Oh, this is

seat. For you.

Don't care about... Don't fall in.

Two hours of show time. Are you nervous?

Yeah.

I'm tingling all over.

Well, you just be yourself.

That's what's really important.

And remember, I'm counting on you to help me save the show.

I just hope I can be as genuine as I wanted you to be. You'll be great. You

show us all how it's done.

Thanks.

Howard Gadsden, please.

Ronnie Beeman.

Is that you, Howard?

We're golden, pal.

We're going to set things right once and for all.

Let him have it.

There you go. All right. Now, why now? Why now? Why try it if you could?

There you go.

You hired a plumber for your

remodel. Without checking references?

Hey, how was I supposed to know that she was an infomaniac?

What do you expect when you call around looking for a young female?

Well, honey, I wanted someone to be careful and nurturing with the plumbing,

that's all.

Oh, yeah, right.

You're plumbing!

Well, hearing how in touch you are with your sensitive side, trust me, you have

one.

Tell the truth.

She didn't really sleep with the plumber.

Good one. She kept snooping on us.

Well, she's snooping because she cares about her husband.

Right?

Yeah, well, I guess I do.

And how about you?

Yeah, I love my wife.

See? It was just a big misunderstanding.

Isn't that great?

What happened to all the fighting?

You want to fight?

Yeah.

Come on, you guys.

We're helping our guests work it out.

That's what we want, isn't it?

Isn't it?

Come on.

Hey, Val, take it from a guy who's watched way too much TV, you have got

hooked, baby, huh? I can tell.

Thanks. It's the honesty thing, though. That's why I have to come clean. Whoa,

whoa, clean?

About what? About who I really am, about the whole fake bodyguard thing. I can't

do that. Whoa, whoa, wait a second. Who are you listening to here, me? I mean,

what do I know, huh? It's what Ronnie wants, and the network won't let him do

it. I'm going to help him. Listen, Val, Val, hi, hi. I'm Adam Elliott from the

network. I'm glad I caught you before the next show.

Why don't you go get us a couple of waters, huh?

Listen,

Val, I'm going to tell you straight out.

You're on to something.

You like what I did with the show?

No, no, I didn't say that. We haven't seen the testing yet, but you are on to

something. You know, because I really think that people want to see something

uplifting. Uplifting.

Yes, uplifting's good. Uplifting's very good. You know, we've got lots of shows

like that.

But you see, Val, this one's always been a little different.

I know, and Ronnie's going to be so happy that you're going to let him

Ronnie? Yeah. Ronnie Beeman.

Val, the guy's a fleas ball.

He'd gut his pet Yorkie on stage for half a ratings point now. See, I told

his plan wouldn't work.

Plan?

What plan?

Oh, well, um, Beeman wanted you here to prove that a warm and fuzzy approach

would torpedo the ratings.

Beeman said you have to fail that.

He told you that?

Mm -hmm.

Hey, but listen, the camera loves you, babe. I mean, loves you, okay? So don't

you lose that, huh? You just...

Put a little more oomph in it, huh? You're going to do just fine, huh? All

right, I've got to run. See you. Ciao.

Ten minutes to air.

You look like you can use a back rub.

Whatever.

And to think I was worried about being a phony.

It's all right, honey.

We all have to wear our little disguises sometimes.

VIP!

One moment, please.

Adam Elliot for you.

Ronnie, Adam Elliott here. Listen, great job picking out your replacement.

You know, I think you might have found yourself a permanent co -host.

What are you talking about?

Well, you know, we've done fat, we've done ugly, but hey, we've never done

gorgeous. And I don't know why we didn't think of this before.

Get out of here.

She's competent.

Maybe I should come down there and check this out. I don't know. You know,

threats on your life and that whole danger thing.

I think you better stay put.

Val's got it all under control. It's the Ronnie Beeman Show with special guest

host, the world famous bodyguard, Valerie Iron.

Thank you, everybody.

Thank you very much.

You know, before we start today, I have a very important announcement to make.

It's very hard filling in for the man who brings real life to television.

I've learned a lot from Ronnie Beeman.

About what's important.

Tighten up on her face and go three.

And I've also learned that, and this is really hard for me to share with you,

that he's a conniving little rat.

See what I think she said?

I mean, talk about hypocrisy. I mean, really.

I know we all make mistakes, but this is ridiculous. This guy is only out for

himself. You tell him, sweet cake.

I mean, what's more important?

Money? Or interpersonal harmony.

Not that I don't get the money thing.

I mean, good ratings are one thing.

But at the expense of the planet?

I don't think so. I think we all can agree on that.

And the world is in pretty bad shape because people think like that.

Go, two. Yeah.

Tasha.

This better be good. I've got more on the Killer Hawk Commandos.

Seems they were left out in the cold.

Abandoned. Okay, you came to see a show, so just pull yourself together.

They spent six years in an Azerbaijani prison because NSA wouldn't admit they

were ours.

NSA? Who was their handler?

Calm down.

Let's see. And we are breaking into NSA. Enter Killer Hawk.

Stay there, stay there, stay tight. All existing documents.

Search by handler's name.

Name coming up. Okay, everybody, let's settle down. We have a wonderful show

today. For 20 years, today's guest has worked for the NSA, the National

Agency. Here it is, Ben Hale.

Ben Hale? Ben?

You can't leave now.

I'm out of the line of fire, baby.

Come on.

He's got a gun!

What's up?

Chuck, it's gunfire.

Listen, L .A. here. I want you to forget about the testing on that Val Irons

touchy -feely stuff.

I mean, maybe they liked her, but they are going to love this. Now, I want you

to get a test group on the meters right now, okay?

Oh, jeez, listen, I got to go, babe. Ciao.

I told Ronnie the fights were going too far. They're not even after him. Great,

they're after me.

Well, you're an expert. What do we do?

Call 911.

Real TV.

Damn PA.

What the hell do you think you're doing?

Didn't you have the keys to this door?

What do you think?

Ronnie Beeman?

Ronnie Beeman.

An opening.

All I had to do was act.

She lit it that way. I don't care about you guys or Beeman.

See? I was right. I told you I didn't need any bodyguards.

That's four killer hotspots killed one makes five.

Come pop show.

They were the good guys.

Spying for our... Yeah, until Ben Hale let them down.

The tragedy is they might have been able to get help if they hadn't turned to

violence.

No, the tragedy is they didn't tell me they wanted to confront Hale.

I'd have booked him as guests.

Oh, I don't know, Ronnie. I think your show might be a little too violent for

him. Oh, come on, honey. Face it, violence sells.

Haven't you learned anything from working with the master? Yeah, I learned

to trust someone like you.

Well... No, it's okay.

It's okay. I love it when people unload.

It's my bread and butter. Really? You want to see me unload on you, Annie?

You want to see how I feel about being used, tricked, and lied to? Lay it on

baby. That's what I'm here for.

That was sweet.

Val, next time you feel the need to strike a client, it might be a good idea

get paid first.

You must think I'm really dumb.