Original subtitles

Okay, salad,

salad, no salad, and then half pepperoni.

Hey, Bill, throw me into the rag, huh?

Why not use this lovely one you're wearing?

A shirt of fun and good times?

Never.

All right, it's 11 o 'clock.

See you later.

Surgery at the hospital.

And breaking news tonight, a chemical spill in the Florida Everglades has left

population of... crocodiles paralyzed.

We take you now live downtown where a spokesperson for the chemical giant has

something to say.

What about this?

On behalf of all those crocs we just croaked, the Immaculate Chemical Company

would like to say, whoops! Sharon. So, look for Bouts and Pocketbooks to be on

sale soon.

Sharon. What?

off the girl. Even when she makes a complete fool of herself.

Immaculate Chemical Company has four rescue crews working round the clock to

save whatever wildlife that may have been inconvenienced by today's mishap.

Look at her.

Lying to the world without a flinch.

Unconscionable. But adorable.

Tell me something. How come neither of you guys date Sharon?

She's Sharon.

What the hell does that mean?

Pete, explain it.

She's sharing.

Well, she wasn't always sharing. I mean, can't tell me that neither one of you

guys ever tried to, you know, hook up with her.

What?

What? It was back when we were freshmen.

I remember it like it was yesterday.

Hey, is this going to be a flashback?

Yes, Mr. Bauer, it is.

Love flashbacks.

Can we have some popcorn?

Okay.

Well, every Tuesday night at our college bar, they had this event.

At some point in the night, they'd ring a bell, and from that moment on, all the

beer was free. Right, right. And it stayed free until somebody either peed

walked out.

And so it was thusly named Bladder Bust.

Those Milli Vanilli guys are awesome.

It's like their music sounds so effortless.

It's like they're not even singing.

Nancy dumped me.

Pete, let it go.

Help me pick a new major.

Come on, Vern. No, I'm serious. I need to make a decision.

Go ahead. Pick a major.

Any major.

Russian economics.

Glad that's over with.

I still can't believe she dumped me.

She's at Stanford, 3 ,000 miles away.

She's going out with the captain of the crew team.

She just cocks him.

Don't even.

I really thought that she was the one.

Give me the damn letter. All right, let's see what the rule book has to say.

Don't get out the rule book.

There is section four, paragraph six.

Get dumped, move on.

I know, I know.

I hope you get fat.

Oh, boy.

Look around you.

College, a bevy of beautiful co -eds, and they all want to meet Pete Dunville.

They do? Of course.

First, you're just going to have to remove that dead squirrel from your

You're just jealous because you can't grow one.

You're just jealous because, you know, all the babes will be digging the new

shirt. The shirt of love and understanding.

Oh, so cute.

Handsome. I prefer handsome, but thank you. Not you, that girl.

Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, my God, here she comes. She's coming up. She must be

in the shirt's tractor beam.

Pete Dunville has officially moved on.

Hi.

I'm Sharon. I'm working with Greenpeace and Saber Planet.

Would you guys mind signing these positions?

Mind, I would consider it a privilege to sign those petitions.

This one's to stop the lumber industry from clear -cutting on public lands, and

this one's to outlaw the hunting of whales.

What a coincidence.

Pete, do you believe it?

What? Pete, here's a lumberjack.

And I'm the captain of a small whaling vessel parked outside.

We can do this the easy way or the hard way.

I'll sign. After you have a beer with us.

I can't drink.

Then why are you in college?

No, I'm on a juice fast. I've had nothing but vegetable juice for three

I'm cleansing my system.

Do you know how many innocent carrots died so you could be regular?

It's genetic. His grandfather on his mother's side was three -quarters

obnoxious. Are you helping me? No, I'm helping me. Well, stop. No, I'm not

stop.

I'm Pete. I'm Bert. I care.

What are you talking about?

I think it's the goatee.

Sweet.

Did you see her? She couldn't resist the shirt of truth and wisdom.

This girl is totally my type.

Right? She has conviction.

She's principled. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But underneath all that

she's exactly my type.

Naked.

Wait a minute. Are you telling me that we're attracted to the same girl?

Right. God.

Peter, I think we've actually found a crossover girl.

And you know what the rules say. Oh, not the rules.

Section 2, paragraph 8.

Friendship before females.

Okay.

That's that. Neither one of us can dare.

So it is written, and so it shall be.

Agreed? Agreed.

the trees.

You?

You know, as the next generation of architect, I feel it is my duty to, yes,

design great homes, but not to the affront of the greatest architect of

all, Mother Nature.

Oh, Pete, that's beautiful.

Then you wouldn't mind helping me get some signatures?

I'd love to.

Great. I gotta pee before they ring that bell.

So, how's things with the planet?

Like you really care.

Oh, no, I care.

Yeah, right.

Actually, whales play a big part in my life.

They do?

Just this afternoon, I had this delicious whale sandwich.

Pumpback. Lettuce and tomato thinly sliced between two mountain gorilla

It's not even funny. With some white rhino fries and a chopped cheetah salad.

Which, by the way, I spilled all over.

My sea lion skin rug.

Aha! I'm not laughing at you. I'm laughing at a joke I heard earlier.

You must be a little slow.

Nice shirt.

Shirt of fulfillment and satisfaction.

You know, I'll bet a guy like you can just go up and talk to any woman in this

bar.

Nah.

Yeah, I can.

Grace, get me some signatures while I pee.

What are you doing with a clipboard?

I dare ask the same question.

Have you no regard for the rules? Me?

That's good. More!

That's very good.

That's very good. But what are we doing here, huh?

I mean, what happened to friendship before females?

You're right.

You're absolutely right. I'm just going to go return her clipboard. Me too.

Only faster.

Hi. Hi. Look how many signatures I got you.

Annie Oakley, Barbara Walters, Helen of Troy.

She just left.

You know what? That's something. I got you real signatures. And I got the guy

the hat to stop eating veal.

Well, that's great. But I really hate you. You know what? I know this little

place down the street. Terrific. Maybe we'll meet you there later. Guys, I have

to pee.

She's totally into me. Yeah. Maybe it's because of the shirt of dorkiness and

I'm a big loser.

Pretty strong word coming from chia face.

Okay, that's it. Rules off. Fine. May the best man win.

My doodles are in there.

You stand in front of you in the corner and you pee in this.

No way am I going to squat over some pitcher in a bar.

What kind of girl do you think she is, huh?

Guys, you have to help me. The last person who ruined bladder bust was

blindfolded and left shoeless in a doggy park.

All right, all right. Um, just do something to take your mind off of

Okay, maybe you're right.

Oh!

Oh, sure.

You know, I went up to Alaska last summer and went whale watching. It was

amazing. They would surface one after another and squirt these huge arcs of

water into the air.

Everybody, forget it. Go away.

I'm sorry Pete gave you that stupid distraction idea. That was

I've got to go.

You have to let me out of here. The future of the planet depends on it. No

problem. Oh, my God. Thank you.

Hey, Phil.

This girl wants out.

Break out the blindfold.

which comes from trees, which I love.

You got a better idea?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I do.

Okay,

maybe I could pry loose one of these floorboards and we can tunnel out.

Excuse me.

What are you doing? We would like to die first.

How about you?

Fight over me!

Come again?

Talk, tough guy.

Why don't you come and get some?

Some of what? I don't know.

What do I do now?

Just wait for the bouncers to break us up.

This I gotta see.

Ten bucks on the bad goatee.

Oh, I used to love archery.

All right.

Okay, I'll pretend to hit you and you go down. Okay, good, good, good, good. I

said, I'll pretend to hit you and you go down.

Okay, mine.

Yeah, right.

Look, Bert, you're just going to go out with this girl twice, and then you're

going to blow her off, just like you do with everyone.

Well, you're going to go out with her once.

You start calling her the one, she'll move to Stanford and write you a letter.

Wait, that was so low.

Well, it's true.

All right, look, why don't we just do this? Let her decide.

Fine. Fine.

Look, I can't believe I just peed in that alley.

Stick with us, kid.

world will be your toilet you want to walk me back to my dorm who who

later where are you going she

decided what she smiled at me she smiled near you

she smiled at

You have nicer stuff than my family.

Bye, Daddy. He messes with me.

So, uh, now what?

I got the new Milli Vanilli tape.

Oh, crank it up.

Oh, but darn.

What? My father just sent me the stereo, but it's got all these wires and

things. It's just too complicated for me to hook up. I could hook it up for you.

and to send it back. I mean, the room's so small and the speakers take up so

much floor space. Well, I could hang them for you.

Great. Wirings in the box, put the tuner next to the lamp, CD player on the

shelf, and for the speakers, there are hooks there and there.

I'll go get a fill -up pad for the antennas.

Do you have the feeling we've been set up completely?

Phew.

Complicated house. Stupid, are we?

She plays us against each other so we get her signatures, right? Then she has

beat each other up so she can pee.

Then she smiles at us and we're supposed to hook up her stereo?

This girl is a nightmare.

She's like us.

Only a chick.

You know what, Pete?

I'm going to do her the ultimate favor and not date her. Me too.

Lord us back here to hook up your stereo.

I can't believe it. Stop it. Okay.

Well, you're an architect.

I thought you'd be good at putting things together.

Oh, I see. You needed Pete to hook up your stereo.

So you really wanted me to come back because... You're tall enough to reach

hooks. Yeah.

Well, you know what?

Just for that, neither one of us is going to date you.

Yeah, well, I could have told you that.

Sure. That's what you say now.

You know, that's what I said the minute I met you two guys.

You, I'm just guessing, always want to commit but can't. And you, you're just a

woody with a body attack.

And she's good. Very.

Thanks.

You know, no one's ever fought over me before. Not even for a pretend.

We had fun.

Yeah, me too.

for the juice bath.

Where to?

Oh, actually, I just heard about this great little pizza place.

Love Pizza?

Yeah, right down on Beacon Street. Love Beacon Street.

It's just water.

And the rest is history.

That is unbelievable.

You mean to tell me that place gave away free beer?

It's just bad business.

You really got the point of the story.

Bravo!

Shut it. I just bold -faced lied to the entire country with little dignity I had

is now gone, out the window.

What are you knuckleheads looking at?

Nothing. Get me a drink before I tear this place down.

You've got to love her. You really do.

I remember when me and my best friend, met this girl in college. We were at a

bladder bust.

I just decided to major in Russian economics. This feisty blonde walked

Could be the one.

Maybe not.

Anyway, she had this clip for it. Save the planet, save the whales kind of

thing. She played us like a time store harmonic.

So, Bill, we can have our own bladder bust, really? Sure.

Anything to cheer up Sharon.

has begun.

All beers free till somebody pees or flees or sneezes or speaks or a car

by.

Who?