Original subtitles

Okay, I gotta get these blueprints decoupled by nine.

I have a meeting with my professor at ten.

Hit the computer lab by eleven. And at noon, meet with the mayor regarding

parade for Berg.

Oh, hey, I told you stay out of my organizer.

I'm not talking about a big parade.

Just a couple of floats.

we shared a smile. You, pretty impotent teeth. Me, stocky guy with red hair.

Please, why not just say fat with freckles?

Sharon, do you mind? Yeah, we're defending our pop and shot title at

next week.

Well, I'm trying to find a guy.

Through the chance encounter app?

Well, that's so sad.

Hey, why don't you just go buy a cat?

Julie, at the office?

Guess where she met her fiancé? Right here in the Chance Encounter app.

Maybe it's Siamese. I hear calicos are nice.

This could be me. You, pretty.

Cute smile and great legs.

That's a three out of three.

Walking a shiny black lap.

You don't have a dog.

From a distance.

Okay, Sharon, give it up.

Whoa, what?

You,

black bike on Beacon Street.

Right, there must be a thousand guys on Beacon Street with black bikes.

Saw you at the coffee place on Newberry. You always go there.

Half of Boston goes through there. Walking with tall friends.

Okay, it's not me.

You, Parker Stevenson looks.

I have Parker Stevenson looks.

Me, shy but interested, are you the one? You got a call.

No. No way, Bert.

Why not?

I get real. Look, the people who put these ads in the paper, they're all

psychos. Look, what does it say? Me, shy, but interested.

Okay? She might as well say me, lonely, dejected. I have space in freezer for

one more body.

What about the one?

You're always talking about the one, and here she is.

Aren't you the leaf of curious?

No.

Okay, Sarah, why aren't you at work?

Me? Well, it's Toxic Awareness Day.

Bacon straight pizza.

No, sorry, we don't deliver on Toxic Awareness Day.

Okay. All right, what's going on? Huh?

What are you guys waiting for?

You answered the... Pete,

I couldn't help myself. I'm an addict.

Hello.

My name is Berg, and I'm addicted to messing with Pete.

Besides, she really likes you. Likes me? Berg, she's never spoken to me.

Well, yeah, not technically, but I was very you.

I was... sensitive and I was a good listener and I did that thing he does

he meets a girl where he lowers his voice like mucho waffle guy.

I don't lower my voice.

Hi, I'm Pete.

Where do you work out?

Meanwhile, where's the future Mrs. Dunville? She said one o 'clock.

It's almost one o 'clock.

Look, whenever she does get here, she's all yours.

I get for helping you find the one?

You're not helping, okay? You want some twisted girl to cruise through that door

and torture me so you guys can laugh.

And our happiness means nothing to you? I'm not your cat toy.

Bye.

Once I thought I would never love again. But then I moved to Seattle and your

son called in on a radio show. He said you were lonely. Then you met Meg Ryan

the top of the Empire State Building happily ever after. The end.

You remembered.

Hey, I'm looking for Peter... Peterson Street?

Three blocks up. You'll see a sign. Coffee and bondage.

Damn. Thought we had a live one.

Shake it off, folks.

Love is on the way. Okay, okay. Don't you people have anything better to do?

Pink?

Yes, can I... Can I help you?

I'm Molly.

You called.

Oh, no.

Yes, I did.

Um, have a seat.

Oh, I can only stay for a minute. I have to get back to the library.

Well, this sucks.

I'm out of here.

You promised me a free.

I mean, there's so many psychos out there.

I almost wasn't going to show up, but all the things you said on the phone

so perfect.

Um, tell me, um, those things I said.

What were your favorites?

Gosh, um, everything.

Especially your life plan.

Oh, yeah, gotta have a plan. Your belief in finding the one.

That I do believe.

And all those wonderful things you said about your roommate.

I'm sorry, excuse me?

Gladly jump on a grenade for him because someday he's going to be a great doctor

who saves the world while getting continually better looking and more

as the years go on.

Yes, yes.

The grenade speech.

Oops, I better get to work. I hate to be late.

Hey, I hate to be late too. Really?

What do you say we get together and do something right on time?

Well, I get off work at six.

Okay. I'm there. Okay. Um, here is my work number. Okay. I'll call you at six.

Don't be late. Never am.

And in an

unbelievable turn of events, good has triumphed over evil.

You, tall, some investment banker getting out of Porsche.

Me, too shy to say hello.

You, too shy.

I've seen you offend construction workers.

Why don't you just go up to the guy?

Because there is no guy.

If I'm spending 50 bucks for this ad, I want perfection.

I think you might be setting your sights just a little too high.

Ah, you're right.

If you were driving an...

Okay, two.

Where's Pete?

There.

Unbelievable. This is the fourth practice in a row he's missed.

We're playing for the championship, but no.

Molly wants to ride bikes. Molly wants to go on a hike. Molly wants to have a

picnic.

Does anybody ask what Berg wants?

Oh, you big lunkhead. Your plan backfired.

Pete's hooked up with a great chick, and you're stuck. here holding your ball.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Yeah, it says so right here.

Tomorrow night is the pop and shot tournament at O'Malley's. Oh, my God.

That is tomorrow.

Yes, it is. Where the hell are your priorities?

Molly. Berg's right.

We'll do ballet.

come between Pete and me again, I will end you.

This is a very weird dream.

This is a very big bat.

I mean,

she's cute.

I was at Molly's.

At any point during the night, did you notice that she and her baseball bat

missing?

I was sleeping.

What are you talking about?

Molly has... How can I put this?

Horrifying, scary, evil, violent side.

Aha.

Yeah, that must be why she baked you muffins this morning.

It did.

Well, I'll take my chances.

You gotta hear me.

I woke up last night, and Molly was standing over my bed, threatening me

baseball bat.

She said, if I ever come between you and her again, she will end me.

Okay. Okay, Bert, that's it. Listen, no more scary movies after 9 o 'clock.

It wasn't a dream. It was real, and she was there.

You're jealous.

You know, you're jealous, but listen, buddy.

I'm always going to be Pete.

You're always going to be Berg.

And we're always going to be Pete and Berg.

Shut up.

You've got to believe me.

Molly's like girlfriend of the corn.

Look, there's Molly.

Pete, there's no shame in hiding.

that you came into his room last night with a baseball bat and, like,

him if, you know, he ever came between us.

Frigg will never come between us.

Hey, look at these cute names I came up with.

Names for what? Our four kids.

Abigail or Adam. Bella or Bruce.

Carolyn or Carl.

Debbie or Dennis.

See how you use the alphabet?

Imagine someone as sweet as you doing something as crazy as that.

As crazy as what?

I mean, you know, you would never, like, take a baseball bat and, like, beat

Bird with it.

Oh, yes, in a heartbeat.

Look, here's you.

Here's me.

And here's Annie.

by a deranged librarian with a baseball bat.

No relationship is perfect.

You have to dump her. No, he can't dump her. He dumps her, she kills me.

Well, then, she's going to have to break up with you. No, Sharon, that's

impossible. She's totally in love with me, and I'm the one.

Damn these Parker Stevenson looks.

So are you. What upsets your world the most?

Him.

So? Become Berg.

Be spontaneous. Be impulsive. Don't take responsibility for your actions.

Be a flake. Be a goof. Okay, we get it.

It drives you nuts.

It'll really drive her nuts. This actually might work. I'm just gonna

like you and I'm going to drive her nuts.

Unless, of course, she chops us up and makes us into quiche.

You know, there was a time when I thought this was cute.

But now it says so much.

Just get in, get dumped, and get out.

This girl is thick.

She's deranged. She's dangerous.

you meet these people. You just can't help yourself, can you?

I love to entertain, don't I, Pumpkin? Yes, Muffins. I make him call me

As well he should.

Pumpkin, why don't you pour the wine? I'll go get the hors d 'oeuvres.

What are you waiting for? I can't just jump into spontaneity.

Certainly keeps busy during the night.

Please, sit.

Quiche.

Oh,

they're a mixture of Colby and cheddar.

Hey, don't you have a cousin named Colby? Huh?

You know, I was thinking about our kids. Oh, what about them? Yeah, I think that

maybe we should name them all after cheeses.

You know, Gouda Dunville, right?

Swiss Dunville, Cheddar Dunville.

No, no, no, that's not the plan.

And the little genius of the family, Cheez Whiz.

Look, we already agreed on the names. Oh, look, Blanche, ma 'am.

We're having a June wedding next year.

You know what?

Why wait a year?

It's just one -off tonight. Get married.

I don't know. What about the showers and the engagement parties and picking up

China? Who needs it? I say, when you find the one, why wait? Let's go.

Think you should maybe think it over?

You gonna stand in our way?

Congratulations, Pete.

Um, I'll go pack a bag.

Woo -hoo!

Abandon ship.

No, no, no, no.

She knows where we work. She knows where we live.

Nice going, Berg.

I didn't tell you to propose.

I'm going to end you.

No, Pete, Pete!

explain. Okay, explain.

It was Berg who called you.

She handed me the phone.

You mean it's all been a lie?

You've been pretending to be someone else?

Yeah, I'm afraid so.

Congratulations, Berg.

Uh, Cher, what do you say we leave these two kids alone and you and I go play a

little poppin' shots?

Works.

street pizza you blonde hair me the one love life plans and quiche meet me in

seattle i'll be the guy average height in jeans and a flannel shirt please

wait if it was that easy why

didn't you just do that when she was stalking me when she was stalking you it

was funny

too shy to say get away from