Original subtitles

I will rip off your arm and beat you unconscious with it.

We got a choice this month.

We either lose to the Macs or we sell our plasma.

Have no fear.

I got it covered. Oh, no more medical experiment.

Just remember my eyedrop experiment paid for that couch.

What color would you say that couch is?

I don't know.

Blue.

It's just product testing.

Marathon personal trainers.

You'll never run alone.

All I have to do is wear these for 26 miles and record my experience.

10 .38 a .m. They are comfortable with firm support.

Congratulations and welcome to your marathon personal trainers.

Oh, Pete, can I keep them? I swear I'll take care of them.

Oh, Lord, give me strength.

Stop putting your sweaty shirts in my laundry.

It's one shirt.

With the stink of six.

And if you're through with my travel mug?

Actually... Slow down. You still have 25 .7 miles to go.

Are your shoes talking?

Got your attention, did they?

10 .40.

Babe's digging.

Berg,

do you notice anything different about our Sharon?

No, nothing.

Except that somebody gift -wrapped her neck.

It's a scarf.

Ted gave me this scarf.

I think it's cute.

Ted? Ted?

Berg, she has a Ted.

Yes, Ted. His name's Ted.

Just not used to them having names.

Well, he's got one, and it's Ted, and I gotta get to work.

Work? Or is Ted whisking you away to Scarf Warehouse? For help of Scarves.

Scarf Depot.

Jiffy Scarves.

You two have fun.

All right, we'll see you tonight, right?

Oh, you know, I have plans.

It's Thursday. You can't have plans.

It's your night to come down to the pizza place and watch us work.

Sorry. It's unlimited topping night.

Guys, if it's okay with you, I'm trying to have a life.

Me, me, me, me, me, me, me.

I'll stay.

Did you slip my shirt back in the back? Yeah, and my boxers. Excellent.

And if you guys need anything else, just call for me. My name's Hay.

You're darn good looking.

Ten miles. Keep it up, champ.

Keep those sneakers quiet or I'm going to tear their tongues out.

Just lower the volume.

447.

Feeder happy?

Bill's ticked.

How was the Celtic game last night?

Ah, well, Sharon canceled on me, so I had to tick Melissa.

Oh, what a shame. Having to go out with your own girlfriend.

Bill, I love Melissa, just not at a Celtic game, you know? I mean, every

they miss a shot, she says, it's gonna be okay, sweetie.

What does Sharon do?

Ah, well, Sharon screams, hey, you make seven million a year!

And the other day she was supposed to come with me on that bus tour of

Boston. Where the guy's dressed up like a Minuteman? Yeah, we sit in the upper

deck, and when the guy says, this is where Paul Revere took his midnight

we both yell, yeah, on your mom.

Exercise in the First Amendment.

When I do that bit with Sharon, people laugh.

But when I did it alone, they said, honey, move away from that man.

Sharon, come and watch us work.

So, you couldn't stay away, could you? Well, you're just in time. I was just

about to stuff a pepper.

I didn't come here to watch you guys work. I came here to pick up a pizza.

Hey, Bill, is that order for Ted ready?

Ted? One large pie, eggplant, mushrooms, and green peppers.

Yuck. My God.

See, first he's got you wearing scarves, then he's got you eating vegetables.

Next thing you know, it's, come on, Sharon, let's smoke some crack.

What's in the bag?

Videos. What kind of videos?

None of your business videos.

Bert, come on, give it back.

Bert, that's... Sleepless in Seattle?

When Harry met Sally?

These are all Meg Ryan movies.

You hate Meg Ryan. I know.

But Ted thinks I look like her.

What is this guy doing to her? That is not our Sharon. You're more right than

you know.

Have you noticed people have been acting strangely, oddly, almost as if they're

not really themselves? Oh, sure, they look the same, but inside... Why do you

always have to talk to me?

Pod people.

Feed this delivery.

Yes, Pete, hurry.

Bill needs you. He'll be right there.

Bill.

hot water. You were supposed to mail the bill.

Sharon hasn't been around in a week, so I couldn't score stamps.

I'll give you the name of her connection.

The post office.

Remember to breathe.

Okay, I'm going to start hating those now.

Leave them alone.

All they said was breathe.

You had it in for my shoes the moment you met him.

You never even gave him a chance.

You just assume because they're shoes you can't be friends with them.

I'd rather be friends with them than with you.

That wasn't nice.

Right, look, I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at Sharon.

I mean, she's completely thrown off the balance of our... delicate ecosystem.

Plus, we have to watch small TV.

We can't go on living like this.

I say we march up to her apartment and set things straight. We take back our

laundry. Borrow some stamps. Grab a quick shower. And let her apologize.

Nothing can stop you. You're a winner.

Hey, 40.

Firm art support and emotional support.

Honey, we're home.

Sharon!

Sharon, there's something wrong with your door.

Excuse me.

Can I help you guys?

We're looking for Sharon. Shh.

She's still asleep.

I'm Ted, and you are... We're Pete and Berg.

We live downstairs.

We all went to school together. We're her best friends.

Oh, really?

Well... nice to meet you, Pete.

Uh, Bert.

I'll tell Sharon to stop by.

You know what? What, Bert?

I say we start hitting him now.

Ooh, look at me.

I'm dead.

might wake up Sharon.

What is the deal with him?

I don't know, but we don't get to see our Sharon because of batter boy.

I don't think so.

We need to extricate him from her life and ours. And that.

You know, Turner and Hooch were talking earlier.

I said something very intriguing.

Don't quote your shoes.

Stay close to the leader or the race is lost.

What do you think they meant by that?

I don't know.

I'm gonna go take him for a walk in the park, try to get it out of him.

Okay, kids, look what I got.

Homemade Play -Doh. Ooh, now what do we say?

Thank you!

Good.

Ew!

Hey, Rachel, someday when you grow up and you meet someone you really like,

won't think kissing is so easy.

the guy who's never heard of me.

Oh, no, no, no, no. He's heard of you. You're, um, Bert.

I'm sorry, but when you're first starting to date a guy, you don't lead

with, hey, my best friends are two good -looking guys who live downstairs.

Give us a sec.

Okay,

the good -looking thing, valiant try, but it doesn't get you off the hook. No

way.

Oh, sure.

I'll be right back.

What's up? Okay.

When you first started to date Pete, did he tell you about me?

Absolutely. See?

Really? Yeah. I remember the first night Pete and I made love. You screamed,

knock it off down there, Peter. I'll shoot your whore.

Made me curious about you.

Oh. So they're curious about Ted.

Look, all I know is the three of you together can be kind of intimidating.

I mean, it's a tough club to get into, you know?

Plus, there's a two -drink minimum.

No, no, no. Rachel, we bite our food, not our friends.

You're right.

We're not being fair. We should get to know him.

Great. I am free every night this week, but tonight... Tonight it is.

I want to be there.

We'll be fine without you.

It'll be just us guys.

Guys night out.

I'm a guy.

You lost your guy rights when you put on the scarf.

Okay, fine.

But behave.

Well, just be ourselves.

Please don't. I really like this guy.

Fine. Seven o 'clock Mahoney's. Fine.

Keep your eyes wide open.

Show no interest or excitement.

Don't trust anyone.

Hey, how you kids doing?

Just fine.

7 .02, we meet Ted.

7 .03, we liquor him up and troll his soul for deep, dark secrets.

Then we tell Sharon what a louse he is.

5 .10, 45, we're back in front of her big screen TV where we so rightfully

belong. For Sharon.

For Sharon.

Does this make us selfish?

Not at all.

Look, Sharon's not acting like herself, right? And any guy who forces her not to

be her...

Ought not to be with her.

Sold.

Hey, Pete.

Berg.

Gosh, I'm sorry I'm late. I got held up at the gym. That's okay. Gotta work on

those pancakes.

Well, actually, I'm in this Big Brother program, and their basketball game went

into overtime.

I couldn't just walk out on Bobby.

Not after his mother and father did.

Who wants a drink?

The usual. This round's on me. The usual, of course, being martinis.

Extra. Boy, they saw you coming, huh?

And a club soda.

Club soda?

Sorry, fellas, I've got an early deposition in the morning.

Come on, I got a class.

Well, that's a really important case.

Blow it up.

Sharon warned me about you guys.

So you're a lawyer? Yep.

Man, that must be tough. You know, capitalizing off other people's

No, no, no, no. I'm an environmental law.

That's where I met Sharon.

See, my firm was fighting her chemical company.

There I was, making a passionate plea to the jury about all the trumpet swans

that were killed.

I pointed accusingly at the defense table, and there she was.

He, uh, defends swans.

There you go, Thurston.

Lovey.

Did you feel that heat?

Oh, man.

She was all over you.

You think?

Definitely. Couldn't be more obvious.

Ever since I met Sharon, I just don't pick up on that stuff.

Oh!

It's okay. It's okay. Just club soda.

A little red wine as you get this right out.

Be right back.

Okay.

Trumpet swans, big brothers.

Anyone with a yard this nice has to have something buried underneath.

You're absolutely right.

No one's this perfect.

We'll find out what's wrong with them.

For sure.

For sure.

All right, Burt, stop fooling around.

Yeah, right. Ha, ha, ha.

You're faking it.

Burt, are you faking it?

Show off.

Pete, table three.

All right, in a sec.

Before it petrifies.

Go along, Pete. You don't want to upset Bill.

Hey, Bill.

What are we going to tell Sharon? She's on her way over.

What, you didn't like this guy?

He was all right.

He's responsible.

He's generous.

He's loyal.

It's just completely wrong for us.

Who cares about you? Is he good for Sharon?

I don't know. I mean, she's been acting really weird ever since she's been with

him. Yeah, but she's not our Sharon anymore.

She looks different. She acts different. She's happy.

Why are you looking at...

fall asleep.

You know, Ferg, let's face it.

I never thought I'd say this, but Mr. Bauer makes sense.

Not that we're pods.

But, you know, about Sharon being happy, I mean, Ted is perfect for her.

I mean, I always knew someday we'd lose Sharon. I just didn't think it'd be this

soon.

We're gonna have to be... No, no, don't say it.

Mature. Oh, there you see.

All right.

Here they come. Let's not screw this up for them. All right.

For Sharon. For Sharon.

Hey, look who's here.

Jack. Hey, guys.

Good to see you. You should see this guy and clog a windpipe.

I heard.

What are you doing? Drinking martinis?

Hey, hey. Can we get you guys something to eat?

Bill.

Not just snap at me.

No, actually, we're on our way to Vermont.

Yeah, Ted surprised me.

Ted. Would you guys water my plants? I am so watering your plants.

Thank you.

Well, we should get going.

Okay, bye.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Before you go, Ted, I got to tell you something.

This is one great girl.

No. And you two make such a great couple.

Listen to this man.

Thanks, guys.

No. And you two.

We have a real feeling. Yeah.

And she is going to make a great mom.

Peace. Come on, Sharon, you feed us, you keep our heat on, you tuck us in at

night. Just kidding, Ted.

And if your kids aren't blonde, somebody's cheating.

I kid, too.

Okay, bye, you guys. Get out of here, you two. Drive safe.

We'll go out when you get back. Going. Ted?

Next time, Drake's on Sharon.

You got it.

Tell you, Bert.

We are such good guys.

I am so proud of us.

Look at us.

Look. Fridge is stocked. Clothes are clean. And Tuesday, the gas comes back

Because I got stamped.

Legends of the rodeo. A 32 -cent salute to a bygone era.

What's wrong with you?

Shaq? What happened? What are you doing back there?

my keys and I'm going to bed.

What's wrong?

Where's Ted?

At home.

Thanks to the fathers of the bride.

What are you talking about? We were on our best behavior.

Yeah? Well, after you guys gave me away at the pizza place, we got on the road

and he just starts talking to me about flying to North Carolina to meet his

parents. I mean, talking churches, good school districts.

I mean, I thought he was going to pull over and register a crate and barrel.

and you guys had to go turn him into a husband.

We were being mature.

Well, I'm not ready to be mature.

I'm not done being friends with you guys yet.

Isn't that what you wanted? I mean, the house, the kids, and... Yeah,

eventually, but not now.

So it's over?

Yeah.

You know, I finally find a guy I really like, and he overcommits.

Wait a second.

Juice? Eggs? You guys have food.

Wow.

I'm impressed.

And we're getting the gas back on.

Oh, hey, you guys want to go up and watch big screen TV?

One second.

Yeah, but you got to lose the scarf.

You know what?

We're going to hold on to this for you.

You may want it again down the road.

26 miles.

You're a winner.

I'm a winner.

Don't you have something you want to say to them?

Sorry, guys.

Come on in.