Original subtitles

Oh, this is a story about a guy named Al, and he lived in a sewer with his

master pal, but the sanitation workers really didn't approve, so he packed up

his accordion and had to move to a city in Ohio, where he lived in a tree, and

he worked in a nasal decongestion factory, and he played on the company

team, and every single night he had a French recurring dream, where he was

wearing leader holes and in a vat of sour cream, but that's really not

in the story.

Well, the very next year he met a dental hygienist with a special attitude on

her arm, but he didn't even touch any lobster number, then he got himself a

on a tater tot.

Outro Music

Today's lesson is, learning new things takes time, study, and hard work.

Ah, stay now. Well, your temperature's normal.

Oh, hey everybody, how you doing?

My pal Harvey here isn't feeling very well.

I've read the National Rodent Society's official hamster maintenance manual from

cover to cover twice, and I still can't find the problem.

I think he might be faking it.

Still, it wouldn't hurt to fill out that hamster organ donor card.

I'm just kidding around, Harv.

Well, let's review your symptoms one more time.

Lack of movement.

Rear end is hard and plastic -like.

Emits a strange whirring sound.

Oh, I know what it is.

Harvey's just being sucked into the vacuum cleaner. That's all.

Let's see.

How does this thing work?

Bobby, you scared me to death.

Sorry, Al, but I really need to know something.

What would happen if I never brushed my teeth?

Well, now, there's a very pressing question, Bobby. Say, why don't we just

everything and watch this incredibly entertaining and instructive movie?

We use our teeth every day to smile and to bite things.

But what happens if we neglect our teeth?

They might wind up... Looking like this.

Or this.

Or this.

So how can we keep our teeth healthy and clean?

First of all, visit your dentist every day.

And bring along a friend to watch.

Also, when you eat cake, chew with your mouth closed.

Don't be a pig.

When you eat stinky food, hold your nose.

And don't eat too many sugar cubes either.

It's also a good idea to check your teeth in a mirror every five minutes or

just to make sure they're still there.

And most importantly, learn the proper way to brush.

A lot of kids try to brush their teeth without actually putting the toothbrush

inside their mouths, like these kids.

Billy, brushing your cheek doesn't do any good.

You've got to take your teeth out of your mouth first and then brush them.

So remember, brush.

Brush as if your life depended on it.

Be nice to your teeth.

or else you'll have to eat everything through a straw.

Oh, sorry, Harvey.

Won't happen again.

So, Bobby, are you now chock full of knowledge?

Al, how come I can't breathe water?

Guess not.

Bobby, I really don't know.

Then how come I can't breathe gravy?

Bobby, I don't know. How come it doesn't hurt when I get a haircut?

I don't know.

How come fly swatters have holes in them?

He doesn't know.

Al, why can't you answer any of my questions? Bobby, because you ask

that nobody knows the answers to. Well, actually, you can't breathe water or

gravy because they're both liquids.

And our lungs can only breathe gases.

It doesn't hurt to cut your hair because there are no nerve endings there.

He holds in a fly swatter, reduced wind resistance, thus making it move through

the air faster.

Sorry about the flashy entrance. My superhero's license is up for renewal.

Just brushing up on the basics.

Wow, you know everything!

Well, my PhDs in biology, geology, and astrophysics do come in handy sometimes,

I guess.

You have three PhDs?

No, wait a minute.

No, that's not right.

I didn't think so. Five.

Yeah, I actually have five.

I also have a degree in hooded studies and one in taking the law into your own

hands. Got a little carried away in college.

Bobby, a Ph .D. is a kind of degree that you earn in college after you've

mastered a subject.

Duh, I'm not a moron.

Okay.

Anyhow, I was going through the paper and I found these $5 .53 get -one -free

frozen burritos coupons and thought of you right away.

Oh, thanks.

Okay, well, I've got to go.

Wait, Mr. Hooded Avenger!

Wait up!

I've got lots of questions!

Bobby? Bye, I've got to go.

But Bobby, I know all about hamster stuff.

Oh, what good is that?

Wow, Hooded Avenger knows about so many different things and, well, I've just

been burying my head in this.

From now on, I want to know everything.

I want to be a fountain of wisdom on every subject possible.

Oh, how I thirst for knowledge!

Or maybe some Limburger soda.

Yeah, that sounds good.

But first, let's see if there's something educational on TV.

Elizabeth!

I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times, just one lump of sugar,

please. This tastes like a candy bar.

Daddy, would you fix my thigh?

It's a job for your mummy. Mummy, come in here and help your son.

Mummy! Oh, there you are.

Mummy, would you fix my tie?

They're just standing there. Help the boy.

Buy a good robe, you don't. Now you completely wrecked my tea.

Mummy. Lunch is just around the corner. I suppose you're going to see your way

to ruining that, too.

Mummy and Daddy will return after this.

Today, Babe Ruth announced that he will come out of retirement and return to the

major leagues.

In related news... Babe Ruth is alive?

He walks the earth!

Run for your lives!

Ah! Ah!

Hey, you will pass the lasagna.

Don't you get any on ya, you sloppy pig. Have a mor...

And the big like your cousin Luigi.

Luigi, Luigi.

Capiche, Python.

Capiche, Python.

Capiche, Python.

Would you like to make more money, impress your friends, be like me and

everything in the world? Sure you would. And now the Know -It -All

Correspondence School can help. With courses in molecular biology, nuclear

management, air traffic controlling, aardvark training, belly button lint

recycling, UFO restoration and repair, unleashing your inner robot, frog

cosmetology, accounting, and so many more.

With the Know -It -All Correspondence School, you can know it all in no time

all. Call Know -It -All now and start learning today.

I did.

Wow.

That's the answer to all my problems.

If I just take every single one of those amazing courses, there won't be

anything I don't know.

And then I'll be admired by all.

And I can learn it all really, really fast.

That's it.

I'm going to order the work.

And then I will know everything.

Hello? Can Al really know it all, or will he blow it all by trying to learn

many things at once?

Don't go away!

We'll be right back!

Look at this. The Know -It -All Correspondence School sent me the sum

mankind's accumulated knowledge.

And a cycle phone.

Absolutely free.

Yeah, well, that's the last one there. So if you'd just sign here, please.

Great. I can hardly wait to get started.

Pretty soon, I'm going to be the most educated guy you ever met.

That's really good. Let me just find a pen for you here, okay?

Would you mind holding this? That's my Ph .D. in anthropology.

I might agree in quantum physics.

Oh, Nobel Prize.

Here we go. Here's a pen.

Oh, you're going to need something to bear down on, though. Here, use my

master's thesis on subatomic particles.

There you go, all righty. Thanks a lot.

And, uh, good luck.

Okay, well, let's get started.

What's with all this?

Oh, hey, Valerie.

These are all my new books. I've made it my goal to learn everything there is to

know in the entire world.

You can't really expect to learn everything overnight.

I mean, it took me years of work to become a master spy.

Oh, come on, Val. We all know you're a spy, but what makes you think you're a

master spy?

Hmm, I'll show you.

These are the socks you were wearing up until a second ago.

Got him while you were blinking.

Okay, well, thanks, Val. Glad you could pop in and make me feel even more

insignificant. Oh, sure. I'd love to... 20th

century

Belgian philosophers.

Hey.

No pictures.

Boring.

Now what else?

Oh, advanced geometry.

That sounds kind of hard.

Forget that!

I'm sure I can get my money back on those.

Hey!

30 seconds to martial arts mastery.

Now this sounds cool.

To begin your martial arts training, look behind you.

Hello, little sand flea.

My name is Kuni.

I'll be your judo instructor for the next 30 seconds.

Oh, okay.

Um, well, what do I... No questions!

We are on a very serious schedule here.

Okay. Now, the martial arts I am to teach you are only to be used for

not for attack.

Let's begin.

Attack me!

But you just said that... I know what I said. Attack me!

Okay.

Well,

that was kind of painful.

Well, what do you expect? You attacked me.

But you told me to.

Ah, with pain comes wisdom, little wood dick.

Ow!

Hey, that wasn't for defense.

Ah, but it was.

You are my opponent, and as my opponent, I correctly assume that at some time

you attack me.

Therefore, I can anticipate the need for defense.

I don't think I want to take Judo from you.

But your training has just begun, little dung beetle.

Oops, sorry, time is up. Course is over.

What? Oh, I didn't learn very much.

That is right, little cockroach.

It takes time to master any skill.

You did not learn because you did not study.

You're so stupid.

Bye -bye.

Well, that was a waste of 30 seconds.

Oh, what have we got here?

Ah, astral projection.

Hey, I've heard of this.

Hey, look, Harvey.

I'm going to learn how to travel outside of my own body. Oh, this should be a

snap.

Ah.

Prepare yourself for astral projection.

First, completely empty your mind as if there's nothing there at all.

That shouldn't be too hard. Next, put on your stimulus sensory sunglasses and

allow yourself to become one with the universe.

Relax. Breathe deep.

Soon your spirit will separate from your physical being.

you will be able to explore the infinite possibilities of traveling outside your

body, discover your true purpose in life, and still be home in time for

Offer void in Nebraska.

Hmm.

I don't think this is working.

Boy, what a bunch of... Hey!

It happened!

My spirit left my body.

Okay, concentrate.

What's my greater purpose?

How do I want to use this limitless opportunity?

Think I'll watch some TV.

Can't sleep.

Conjected. Runny nose.

Sore throat. Nagging cough.

Fever and sinus infection.

Dizzy. Nauseous. Disoriented.

Constipated. Memory loss.

A little crazy.

Can't shake your evil self.

Haunted house.

Night in shining armor.

CIA agent.

Upside down person. Golden retriever.

Huge beach ball?

Miss America? Flying monkey?

Oh, man. I can't believe it. This is my higher purpose?

I'm going back in my body.

Now I'm really getting behind schedule. But, well.

I should definitely know everything in the world by the time we come back.

I can't wait!

What has Al learned so far?

Nothing! Maybe that's because you can't learn new information unless you take

the time to study.

Hey!

Stay tuned for more of The Weird Al Show!

The blue -nostriled pigeon keeps its young inside its left ear for the entire

length of gestation.

King Henry III had a wart on his kneecap in the shape of a small poodle.

Sure is a lot to learn.

Man, I'll never remember all this.

I need a break.

You know what?

I think it's time for a death -defying stunt from the one, the only, Harvey...

Hey, pal. How you doing?

Today, Harvey will attempt to break the all -time hamster weightlifting record.

Good luck, pal.

All right.

Concentrate, Harvey. Come on.

Lift with the legs, not with the back.

You can do it, Harvey. You can do it.

Yes! It's a brand -new hamster weightlifting record. Oh, great. Great

Ah, well, time to get back to the book.

And that's how a fruit drink can advertise itself as all natural, even

only has 10 % real juice.

Hey, Al, how's the quest for knowledge coming?

Well, I was going to learn everything in the world today, but it's not really

working out.

I took on so many subjects that I don't have time to really get to know any of

them. In fact, I don't think I learned anything.

Well... What did you expect, my friend?

You can't learn everything all at once. It takes time.

You've got to really stick with it.

Most important of all, you need pizza.

You can't learn on an empty stomach.

Oh, man, thanks. What kind is it?

Peanut butter pizza, your favorite.

Sounds great.

Well, you know what? I'll join you guys in a second. But first, I can tell by

the old clock on the wall that once again it's time for...

Al's mailbag, that's right.

Well, let's see what we got in the old mailbag this week.

Got a letter here from Buffalo, New York.

It says, Dear Al, I have a problem.

The other day I swallowed a watermelon seed.

Now my older brother says that watermelons are going to grow in my

that the doctor will have to cut me open to get them out.

And when he does, my brother's going to steal them and sell them in his own

watermelon stand and not give me any of the money. What should I do?

Signed, Nelson Sebastian Gunderplatz, age 7.

Well, Nelson, the answer is easy.

Get yourself a good business lawyer.

I don't know about all that medical stuff, but it doesn't sound like your

brother has any right to profit from a watermelon business that you started.

And furthermore... Good grief!

Harvey's choking!

The peanut butter's too much for him! What are we going to do?

Oh, it's no big deal. The hamster Heimlich is one of the most basic

procedures. Say, you've been studying that book for some time now, haven't

Yeah, well, I've always been really interested in how to take care of

I just concentrated on this stuff and stuck with it, and I guess I'm kind of

expert in it now.

Wow!

Don't go away. We'll be right back.

Al learned a lesson from Harvey.

Don't bite off more than you can chew. There's no substitute for taking time to

study one subject well.

Camp Super Fun!

Camp Super Fun is fun, fun, fun.

Camp Super Fun is fun, fun, fun.

Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun.

Camp Super Fun is super fun.

Hey everybody, want to have some fun this summer? Try Camp Super Fun!

Camp Super Fun is the perfect camp for shapeless, tall, furry animals between

the ages of 6 and 13.

See you later, Mom and Dad.

Camp Super Fun. Jump

in. It's super fun.

We'll be right back.

Don't you move!

Al, to honor your knowledge of the subject and to recognize your special

achievements in the field, we'd all like to present you with this honorary

doctorate in hamster maintenance.

Congratulations, Al.

Oh, thanks, guys.

You know, our time is about up for this week, but I hope we've all learned an

important lesson here today, and that is that real knowledge can't be paid for

in three easy installments of 1995.

Real knowledge takes work and sacrifice and pizza and a really good reading lamp

so you don't hurt your eyes.

So until next week, remember to always, always, always wear shark repellent

because you never know when one's going to... Settle down,

raise a family, join the PTA Buy some sensible shoes and a Chevrolet Then

till you're broke and they drag you away It's okay

You can dare to be stupid.

It's like bidding on a fish.

It's like barking up a tree.

It's like I said you gotta buy one if you wanna get one free.

Dare to be stupid.

Yeah. Why don't you dare to be stupid?