Original subtitles

Rise and shine, Chicago.

It's another gorgeous day in the Windy City. But get your long johns ready,

because winter's coming.

So get out of bed and put the coffee on.

Thanks.

I'm coming, I'm coming.

Keep your pants on.

Chuck? Yeah?

Chuck?

I'm back.

Huh?

What you knew, beyond a doubt, what was going to happen tomorrow.

What would you do?

There is no easy answer for a guy who gets tomorrow's news today.

Never changes.

That's what I love about it.

It's kind of like one of those old sweatshirts that you never want to wash,

know? They're stained, ripped, they smell a little bit.

Do you ever use these?

What are you looking at me like that for?

Aren't you happy to see me?

No, no, no, I'm happy to see you.

It's just that you left for California six months ago, and I've heard from you

twice, and now all of a sudden, you're at my doorstop, and boom.

Yeah, I wanted to surprise you.

And you're not in trouble. Trouble?

Gare, look at me.

Do I look like I'm in trouble?

Ultra suede.

There are only six of these available in the whole hemisphere.

Come from a very, very rare cow. Feel it.

Yeah.

That's very nice. Thank you.

So you don't want anything?

I tell you, Gare, things are really happening for me out there.

I got a couple of movies I'm developing. I'm working on some series.

I can get Jack's people on the phone, Barbara's people, Stephen's people.

It's all good, Garrett. All good. And you wouldn't, you wouldn't by chance,

buy any money or, uh, uh, to take a look at the paper?

Paper? What paper?

There's the paper I give it.

Tomorrow's paper.

You still get that thing?

Oh, yeah, I still get that thing. Garrett, can I, uh, tell you something?

to friend, you promise you won't get offended?

The world doesn't revolve around you and your newspaper.

I know it doesn't revolve around me.

We're all self -centered, Gare, okay? I even remember when I used to be self

-centered. Used to be? Mm -hmm. Before the acu -therapy.

Acu -therapy? Eastern medicine, Gare.

Dr. Raja Medak.

He takes these long, thin needles, and he puts them right here, right in my

head, right above the temple.

It's amazing stuff, Gare.

Everybody in the colony goes to him. You have needles stuck in your head? Mm

-hmm. Twice a week.

You know what, Gare?

You could use a little bit of that acutherapy. It'd be a good thing for

You know what I think?

I think I'm going to take a shower.

You don't want anything.

All right, Gary.

You win.

You know what I want?

No. What?

I want to buy you lunch.

So what's this project again?

It's called Bikini Fort.

Female cop on rollerblades. Now, here's the one -liner.

They're young, they're hot, they're on the beach, and they're undercover.

Just barely.

What do you think?

Chuck, that's awful.

Thank you.

I have been selling that story for weeks. People are just so phony out

you know? Gary, did you tell him?

No, no, Matt. I was going to get around to it later.

Tell me what, Gary? Well, nothing. It's not really important.

No. Come on, Garrett. Open up. Share.

I am a vessel.

All right.

Yeah.

Well, you know how we were kind of partners in the bar and all?

Yeah. And it was a very informal thing. There was nothing in writing or

anything. Right. Then you went off to California, which broke all of our

I might add.

And then at that point, I think it was that I kind of gave half of the bar to

Marissa.

partners anymore.

Right.

You gave my half of McGinty's to Marissa.

Uh, that about sums it up, yeah.

Fabulous!

Should have done it a long time ago.

Might have made some money last year.

How's that?

No hard feelings?

That's what I am trying to tell you guys. I am a changed man.

Who's a babe?

Babe?

Change man, huh, Chuck?

Chuck Fishman here.

This is Erica Padgett. Oh, this is Chuck Fishman.

Miss Paget, I can't tell you what a pleasure it is to meet you.

Gary has told me absolutely everything about you.

Really, everything?

Well, not everything, because I don't know everything about you, so I couldn't

tell everything.

And I want you to know, as former manager of this establishment, if there

anything I can do at all, if you have any questions that I can address...

Actually, I do.

I found a bunch of receipts, unpaid bills, and tax returns, shoved under a

floorboard. Maybe if you have a minute, we could go over it?

You know what? Right now, I am really crazy. I got appointments all over town.

As a matter of fact, I will be back at noon.

We will eat.

We will drink. We will be merry.

We'll catch up.

Oh, God. I miss this place.

Group hug. Group hug. I miss you both so much.

I gotta jump.

I'll see you later.

Uh, yeah.

So that's Chuck?

I think so.

You two are friends?

Oh, well, uh...

You got to know Chuck. Chuck's kind of, he's kind of like, he's not so bad. He's

just, he's Chuck -like.

All right, McCown. I want you to think about trajectory and focus.

Visualize. Big V!

Lock it up!

Let me help you up. I've got it, Cindy.

Tammy, you saved my life. But I saw him first.

I'll get up. I don't know who you are, mister,

but I owe you one big thank you. That javelin almost skewered my girls.

Girls, I want you to say thank you to... Gary Hobson.

Squad.

Oh, well, thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you all of you. Thank you so

much. It's a very wonderful pom -pom work.

Don't lose the concentration.

Let's get to work.

It's very nice of you. Thank you.

All

right,

here you go.

Super deluxe. Steak sandwich and a large fry?

I thought we were going to eat out.

Are you kidding me?

Garrett, look around you.

Even four -star restaurants don't have this kind of comfort.

Look at the leg room.

The amenities.

I got TV, DVD, CD, you name it, I got it.

You want to watch Titanic?

No.

Wait, let me just get this straight.

I'm trying to visualize this, all right? Now, you were on the ground, and the

cheerleaders were where? Enough about the cheerleaders, would you?

Okay, fine, forget it, forget it.

Hogpile with cheerleaders, guy still gets all the breaks.

All right, buddy?

Listen, Chuck, did you ever get the feeling like you're being watched, like

you're being followed?

Followed? Yeah.

Who'd follow you?

I've been feeling like someone's following me.

I think I keep seeing a guy with a long coat and he's got these glasses and he

doesn't mean like a stalker.

Somebody's stalking you.

You think that's crazy?

I think you need a little rest, buddy. You've been working too hard.

Eat your steak now.

Tell you what, what if I hang around you today?

Just kind of stick with you.

Huh? You know, I go with you on your errands, I watch your back, keep an eye

you, make sure, you know, you're doing all right, just kind of give you a

peace of mind.

You do that? Of course.

What are friends for?

So, what do we got? Where are we going? Huh?

Hey.

Hey, Russell!

Hold up!

Yeah, Russell.

Uh, well... Here, a Little League player's injured in a freak accident.

Where's the Little League team? What?

Little kids, baseball players, they're going to get smashed by this

refrigerator. Go find the Little League team. What Little League team?

Any Little League team. Just go find them.

Listen, pal.

Listen, you got to take that thing back up there.

Out of the way. I got a refrigerator here. This trap is going to break and

going to fall.

Listen, pal.

Now, please, just take it back up there, would you? Buddy, we're professionals.

Yeah, well, I'm telling you, somebody's going to get hurt here. Are you going to

get out of the way?

I can't hold it.

Chuck, get those kids out of the way. What kids? Those kids.

I'm on it.

Hey, Chuck, I think I got the shot.

I'm not Chuck. I'm Gary. This is Chuck.

What?

I've never seen this guy before in my life. Who are you?

Uncle Chuck. Wait a minute. Shut up. Shut up. Oh, my God. This guy has head

injuries. Blood force trauma.

Somebody call 911.

Fishman Productions?

Uh, I can explain.

It's not what it looks like.

Then what is it, Chuck?

All right, it's exactly what it looks like.

I don't believe this.

You hired someone to follow me around and videotape me?

You're mad?

Are you mad, Gare?

Look, I can explain, okay? Just give me a chance, okay?

You remember before when I was telling you, you know, about...

What a big success I was in L .A.

All lies.

I made it up.

I'm broke, Gary.

Broke.

What about the limo you got?

Credit cards.

Plus they had a midweek special.

Three days for the price of two.

And I had a coupon for gas.

Listen, when you left here...

What happened to the money that the old lady awards you? You left here with $100

,000.

I lost most of it in Vegas on my way to Los Angeles.

Vegas. And so what about the movies and the TV show? What about Bikini Force?

Oh, I had nothing to do with that show. I just overheard these two big shots

talking at some trendy bar.

I can't get arrested in that town, Gare.

Look, when I got there, I had one good idea.

A story about a guy who gets tomorrow's newspaper today.

And for about a week there, a studio was interested.

They tested it, you know, focus groups.

Well, research showed that people just, they didn't buy into the premise, you

know. Guys on the street, they just don't find you believable.

You hired a guy to follow me and then you lied about it. I had to, to sell my

concept, to generate publicity.

Look, I figured if I could just get some news footage of you, you know, and then

kind of leak it to news stations and, well, you know, we get the big hype

machine rolling.

You know, these things, then they take on a life of their own, like that alien

autopsy deal a few years back, remember?

I have no idea what you're talking about. I need your help.

If you could just do a little publicity.

You know, get your name out there, that I know I could sell this thing. Get my

name out there. Oh, I forgot. To you, everything has to be a big secret, you

know? You don't have to worry. I will protect you. In the show, the guy's name

is Harry, all right? And he doesn't get the newspaper every morning. He gets a

magazine, and it's delivered by a dog.

Totally different.

You know what?

Now's the time I think that you ought to stand up.

Just take it easy, okay?

Take it easy. I think you ought to get out of here.

Wait. All right, listen. I'm going to give you ownership of the show, okay?

percent of the growth.

Plus a consultant fee, 200 bucks per episode.

What do you think?

All right, wait, wait, wait, wait. 15, 15 % of the gross and merchandising. 20

years ago was a trailer.

And also, yeah, come on, yeah.

Yeah, please, don't let me down. Let me in.

Yeah, come on.

I'm sorry.

money uncle chuck i want my money please leonard not now no no i followed that

guy around for two weeks but i missed classes for this 250 we had a deal the

deal is off i can't use the footage besides i don't have any money okay now

no no you said all right i am not leaving here until i get my 250 dollars

right you owe me i don't owe you anything The only reason I hired you in

first place is because your mother kept pestering me.

Leonard wants to be a movie director.

What can you do for Leonard?

Some director.

Half of the stuff was out of focus.

That was done for effect.

All right.

Look, you owe me that money, Chuck.

I know people.

No, you don't.

Sure I do.

I know lots of people.

Name two.

Look, I am going to tell my mom about this.

Okay? Goodbye, Leonard.

There's the door.

So now what are you doing?

I'm going to start by never talking to the guy again.

I can't believe it. Yeah, well, believe it. First he tried to sell me out, then

he tried to sell the story, now he's trying to make me a Newsweek cover.

Poor Chuck.

Poor Chuck?

Well, yeah, he must be in really bad shape.

Let me tell you something. This wasn't just a moment of weakness.

I mean, this guy, he plans this kind of stuff. He had this fellow follow me for

weeks. All I'm saying is, Gary, just see it for what it is.

And what would that be, Gary?

An act of desperation.

An act.

I'll tell you something. Chuck's been desperate before, but this... This is

than desperate. This is... I don't know what to...

You guys have been friends for a long time.

Yeah, let me ask you something about that.

Why is that?

What do you mean?

Well, when people ask me about Chuck and myself, they always say, how can you

and Chuck be friends?

You're so different.

And I always say, well, Chuck, I mean, Chuck's got a big heart.

Chuck is very loyal.

But you know what?

I was wrong.

After all these years, I realized everyone else is right, because deep

he's... Eric, I know you're mad, but you weren't wrong about Chuck.

Oh, yes, I was.

Because Chuck's, uh... And I'm not quite sure what he is.

Yeah. Yeah, it's Leonard Trotter calling for Jerry. Is he in?

No, look, I was an intern last summer. He'll remember me.

Oh, listen, listen. Is he still planning that special on America's Real Life

Heroes?

Yeah?

Good.

Tell him I got pictures.

Traffic and the weather together every half hour and when it breaks.

Here.

Oh, did you have a bad night or something?

And now there's nothing in it? It faded right in front of my eyes.

What do you got there, Mr. Hobson? A blank paper?

Nothing gets past you, does it, Patrick?

You know, you should take that back to the newsstand and demand a refund. They

can't get away with that.

I mean, what if we all got blank papers every day? How would we know the

weather? Or sports cars.

Exactly. Or the comics.

You get your money back, Mr. Hobson. Thank you, Patrick.

And you know what else? You should write a letter.

Thank you, Patrick.

That's what I'm here for.

So you're telling me you're going to be front page news in tomorrow's paper?

Well, what I'm telling you is that my face was on the front of the paper and

then all of a sudden the whole thing disappeared.

Maybe it's some kind of message.

What kind of message?

That you're not supposed to become news yourself.

I mean, if you get publicity, then you won't be able to help anyone. Yeah, I

understand that. If I was... What?

Maybe I'm done.

Done? Done with what?

Maybe I'm done with the paper.

Oh, come on. I mean, if you think about this, it wouldn't be such a bad thing,

would it?

The last two and a half years, what have I done, huh? I've dealt with this.

A paper and a cat. Every morning, a paper and a cat, a paper and a cat. And

city full of people with problems.

I mean, this might be just what I want.

You don't believe that, do you? Well, let me tell you something.

You're not done.

Wow, I don't believe it's still there. What's that, Patrick?

There's a limo that's been parked across the street all night.

I wonder whose it is.

What? What is going on? What?

Where is it? Or should I say, who did you sell the tape to?

The tape? That's right, the tape of me.

I didn't sell the tape of you to anybody. I gave it to you last night.

remember? That's right.

And then you made a copy of it, didn't you? No, I didn't. Oh, yeah?

Then why is it that my face is on the front page of tomorrow's paper, Chuck?

It is? Let me see it. No, you can't see it. You want to know why you can't see

it? Because, look, because the paper disappeared on me.

Disappeared? That's right, because of your publicity stunt.

I'm not supposed to be in the paper, Chuck. That's what it's trying to tell

here.

So why don't you tell me?

Where's the tape?

Leonard.

Leonard. Leonard!

Leonard Trotter, open up!

Oh, is that another fire drill? Where is he? Who? Leonard, your roommate.

Oh, Leonard, right. He left.

Where'd he go?

He went, he had a meeting.

Hey, is today Tuesday? Because I've got to find my pants.

A meeting with who?

His idol, Jerry.

Jerry? Jerry who? Jerry Lewis? Jerry Mathers? Jerry Garcia?

Jerry Springer.

Jerry! Jerry!

Jerry! Jerry!

Is your lifestyle so unusual or bizarre that you just have to keep it a secret?

If so, call us at 1 -300 -TELL -JERRY. We'll put you on TV.

This is amazing stuff, Mr. Springer. You're going to be blown away.

Now, you're giving me an exclusive on this, right? I mean, you're not chopping

it around.

Leonard? No, no, absolutely not.

No. Look, are you telling me the truth? I don't want a repeat of last summer's

fiasco. I'm still smarting over losing the Siamese Twins. No, you know, that

an honest mistake. I was sitting in the barber's chair, and I was telling the

barber about the show, and I didn't know who was in the next seat. He had a

towel over his head. Uh -huh. Listen, Mr. Springer, I swear, you're it for me.

Okay? I don't even watch those other shows.

Save it, Leonard.

Just assure me you haven't been to Oprah, you haven't been to Jenny Jones,

local news. I don't want to get into bidding war on this, all right?

Jerry, trust me, okay?

You're the man.

All right, Leonard. I've always liked you. We'll talk after the show.

Hey, get a good seat. We've got a hot one today.

Thank you.

You know, we've all been to weddings, heard the vows, the promises, the

commitments. Well, today we're going to meet a couple of would -be brides.

Meet

Audrey.

Chet and Audrey have been engaged for three years, but Audrey keeps putting

the wedding.

Audrey, you have something you want to tell Chet?

Uh...

I have something to tell you, Chet.

You know, I love you, but... I've been seeing someone else.

What?

What are you talking about?

I've been cheating on you, Chet.

With who?

With who?

What?

You're a great pal.

There's Jerry.

There's Leonard.

I don't believe this.

I think you'd like him. Let's bring out the man Audrey's been sleeping with.

Who do you think you are, buddy?

Oh, no, I'm not involved here. I'm not involved. You're seeing my girl.

I want that tape.

I don't even want to be

here.

I don't even watch this show. I'm here because of him and

that jerk there.

Jerk?

Now I'm a jerk?

Now for the television? Yep.

Wait, wait, wait. Who are you?

I guess I'm just a jerk now, aren't I, Gare?

What? Are you sleeping with her, too?

Maybe.

Are you two friends?

We used to be. Yeah, until he sold me out. You sold me out first. Look, you

to me. I lied to you? What about the bar?

Jerry, he sold my half of the bar.

Did you do that?

Without even telling me. You were losing us money.

I was managing. Now you're managing us into the ground.

Let me see you do better, pal.

Look, you couldn't manage a toll booth, friend.

Yeah, you couldn't manage a pay toll. I could do it a lot better than you.

That's right, and you're... Don't yell at me, Chuck.

Take it back. No, yes, take back what you're saying. Why not?

No, I'm not.

No, you don't say, Chuck.

You're not calling me a jerk.

I'm not a jerk. He's a jerk.

Mr. Hobson?

These things are staged.

Hello? We've got to get down to the Jerry Springer show right now.

What?

Here's your stupid tape.

Thanks for nothing.

You didn't even ask me. You went behind my back.

Asked you? If I asked you, what would you have said? I would have said no.

Exactly. That's why I didn't ask you.

Well. You know what? I really don't want to talk about this. Well, that makes

two of us, pal.

Good. Yeah, good.

Bye.

Russell, what's going on?

I give Russell the afternoon off.

Leonard, what do you think you're doing?

I'm going to teach you a lesson, Uncle Chuck.

You don't stiff family.

Leonard!

Need a Kleenex?

Shut up.

Come on. Come on with you.

All right.

Finally. This is what we got now.

When does this happen?

1 .30.

1 .30 is half an hour.

Half an hour.

Ten members of a local high school cheerleading team and their coach were

yesterday when their plane crashed in a deserted field and attempted to make an

emergency landing.

I don't believe it.

Chuck! Nature!

Hey, Mom, guess what?

Me and Audrey, we're married.

Yeah, yeah, we've done it on live TV.

Told you I'd make you proud.

Yeah, it's the Jerry Springer show.

No, no, Springer.

Hey, I need that phone. What, you?

Look, there's a plane of cheerleaders in a crash. I'm going to take that phone.

Yeah, you and what army?

Mr. Hudson, you all right?

Is there a problem here?

Yeah, yeah, everything's under control.

Now, listen, you give me that phone, yeah? Just give him the phone.

Why, I can take him. Oh, you think so, huh?

You know, he's a black belt.

I'm a what?

People are in trouble.

Fine. Take the damn thing. Sorry, Mom.

Thank you.

Where do you live?

Well, we're moving right now.

Well, you got a job?

Why? Because I want to get the phone to you back at your office.

All right, all right. Send it to the University of Chicago, Department of

Nuclear Physics Lab.

You're a nuclear physicist?

You're saying I'm not?

Look, pal, I don't want to argue.

University of Chicago. We're in the phone book.

Okay. Have a great honeymoon, the both of you.

Come on.

What is it, Gary? Yeah, well, first I got to stop playing with cheerleaders

crushing, then Chuck's in trouble. So what else is new? No, I mean he's in

trouble. Hey, can I ask you something? Huh? Is it true?

What? That you were on the Jerry Springer show?

I'll talk to you about it later, huh? Come on, get in.

Come on, Patrick.

Step on it. We got it.

Jack!

Nuclear physicist?

Yeah, showed him, didn't I?

But now you never get your phone back.

Well, I could have been a nuclear physicist, except for the man.

Leonard, Leonard, you're going to get us killed. Hey, shut up, instructor, shut

up. Look, why don't you just pull over so that we can talk about this, huh?

Oh, no.

No, you had your chance. The time for talking is over. Uh -huh. So that would

make this time for what?

What? I'm just saying, if the time for talking is over, what is it time for?

Okay, okay, you're just trying to confuse me, all right?

You're nuts, Leonard. Your whole side of the family's nuts.

Your mother, Lila, your father, Al, all of them. All right, I want my $250,

okay? I want my money. Watch where you're going!

And don't tell me how to

drive.

You getting through? I've got to get home.

Gary, who am I supposed to ask for? It's a big airport.

I don't know. Talk to the tower. Tell them not to let a 12 -passenger plane

in a field because there's going to be a fire.

They disconnected me.

Dial 911. Get the fire department. Tell them to go to Avery Field. Tell them

they've got about 10 minutes. Mr. Hobson? What?

I'm sorry to bother, but where do you want me to go?

We're going to find Chuck, Patrick.

Right. Got it. Okay.

Look at this. The dope's going to go the wrong way on the expressway. How am I

supposed to stop that?

Where do you want me to go?

We're going to go the expressway, Patch. We're going to try to stop Chuck. We're

going to try to get there before he does.

Gary? Look, I don't know what we're going to do when we get there, Marissa.

not that. The phone's dead.

Well, that's great, but I... Huh?

Expressway, here we come.

O 'Hare International, this is November 2712.

Mayday, mayday, mayday.

Repeat, O 'Hare, this is an emergency. Come in, Tom.

It's okay, girls. We're going to be all right.

O 'Hare International, this is November 2712, May Day. May Day, May Day.

Go ahead, November 2712, have you on radar?

O 'Hare, we've lost an engine and the other one is running very rough.

We need to land.

Can you direct us to the nearest runway?

Stand by, November 2712.

Square 2712, Waukegan is at your 3 o 'clock, 12 miles.

We'll never make that. Look for a field.

Okay.

Did you guys see anything?

What are we looking for? We're looking for a stretched limo going the wrong

Oh. No, I don't see that.

Jefferson Park.

Well, that's the next exit.

Come on, Chuck, where are you?

My mother was right.

She told me never trust a fisherman.

I should have listened to her.

Tell you what, Leonard.

I'm going to write you a check right now.

I don't believe you. Keep your eyes on the road.

300 bucks, how does that sound, huh?

I had expenses, you know. Okay, say, what about 350, huh?

Hey, what are you doing? Give me the key. Let go.

No, you're going the wrong way. Watch the road.

Let go.

We're going to die.

We're going to die.

Jefferson Park, X and Ms. Robson, what do you want to do?

Gary?

Gary? Patrick.

I want you to step on the brake and I want you to hold on.

Mr. Hobson. Right now.

Hey, that's weird.

Cars. They're all stuck.

It's like a miracle.

Nope.

It's Gary.

You all right?

You just can't help yourself, can you?

Look, I'm sorry about that. No, I'm sorry. I was a jerk.

Well, you were.

Won't happen again.

We're going down.

Wait. Look.

An empty freeway. An empty freeway.

I don't believe it. We can make that.

Hey, Gary.

Is that what I think it is?

Are they supposed to be flying that low?

Get down.

You did it again, didn't you?

You

saw

the amazing footage.

Now, get the inside scoop.

Cheerleaders who faced death.

You think you know the story, but you don't. On the next Jerry Springer.

Dear Gary, hadn't heard from you in a while. Wanted to make sure you're still

alive.

Things out here couldn't be better.

Remember those cheerleaders?

I sold their TV rights to CBS.

Get this, the network wants to do a whole series of cheerleader movies, and

producing the first one.

Pom -poms at 30 ,000 feet.

Start shooting next month.

Anyway, I gotta jump. I'm late for my acu -therapy.

You got my number.

Give me a call sometime, huh, buddy?

My best to the cat and the Marissa.

Your friend, as always, Chuck.

Hey, Chuck, it's me.

Hey, how you doing?

Yeah.

Really?

Oh, that's great.

Hey, listen, tell me something.

What's this all about, heroic cheerleader movies?

You're kidding me.

Did everyone out there get needles in their head or something?

You'll probably recognize Julie Benz from Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel.

She played Darla in both the series, but now on Hallmark, she's got a horse race

to win. This is going to be an adventure for the whole family. One woman, one

horse, one golden opportunity.

The Long Shot, today at 3 on Hallmark.

Next, a Perry Mason mystery.