Original subtitles

I know, but I can't believe I never even noticed this place before.

I walk by it all the time. How could you notice it? There's no sign outside.

Yeah, what's up with that? You think it like blew down in a storm or something?

No. No storm. I think the owners did it on purpose 'cause they think it's cool.

- Yeah. - They blew on their sign...

until it came off 'cause they thought it was cool?

- I mean, who does that? - No, no. Nobody blew anything.

Hey, Dee, how did you find out about this place?

Somebody sent me a link to their Facebook page.

Facebook... That's why everybody's here.

What the hell is this?

- What? - Is this water?

- No, it's gin. - Oh!

Gin? I hate gin! Get me a beer!

- Get me a beer! - Get me a beer! - Beer!

It's a gin bar. All they have is gin.

Are you kidding me? What?

You mean to tell me there's this many people in this joint, all they serve is gin?

The only reason that people are here is because Facebook tells them to come here.

This is the kind of shit we need at Paddy's. Paddy's has no Web presence.

- You are absolutely right. - - The whole world is connected now.

It's all connected by Bill Gates and that Rain Man, Zuckerberg.

He and his Jews have connected the whole world, and now they're toppling regimes.

And Egypt and Japan and the Jews are all peaceful together...

- I understand the spirit of what you're saying. - Yeah.

Facebook is connecting everyone these days... even people in the Middle East.

That's what I'm saying. Hell, and look people are showing up to a bar...

that doesn't even have a sign, and serves only one...

old-timey disgusting drink that nobody likes.

Goddamn, I hate gin. Dee, you bitch.

That's the thing. This place has got a good business model.

We have to emulate it. That's absolutely right.

We have to get rid of all the beer in Paddy's.

We have to blow the sign off of the building.

You know, maybe I'll do the blowing. That's fine.

Charlie, Charlie, stop, stop, stop.

Do you think a human being can blow a sign off of a building?

- I didn't until Mac said it. - I never said that.

A grown man cannot blow a sign off of a building.

In Charlie's defense, you could loosen the screws, get up there and blow...

We are talking about the Internet.

You cannot blow a sign... You are derailing the conversation.

Shh!

Ugh! Ew.

What the hell was that?

Okay, don't worry about it, okay? Guys, we gotta get on this.

He's absolutely right. No distractions.

Paddy's needs to get connected.

Look at the Gin Bar's Facebook page. They have like 50,000 friends.

- Crazy. - Links to Twitter viral videos.

Their Web presence is amazing.

- We could do a viral video for Paddy's. - Well, we can't afford not to.

That's right. We'll do a really cool video...

of how we serve gin in spaghetti cans or something like that.

- And we take the sign down. - Frank, you're getting hung up on the wrong things.

The old booze and the no sign have nothing to do with it.

Yeah, what kind of a douche bag walks into a bar...

just 'cause it doesn't have a sign outside of it? That's stupid, Frank. Use your head.

But that's the most important thing... exclusivity.

Weird drinks, no sign. That's cool.

Maybe so, but I like...

Paddy's sign, so it stays up. Yeah.

I got the sign down.

And there's no way a man could have blown that off of our bar. There's just no way.

- You're totally wrong about that, Mac. - - Yeah.

- I never once said that! - Did you not?

Okay, forget it. Forget it. Charlie, we're doing a viral video thing now, okay?

All right. Listen. Can I stop all this for one second?

I don't mean to derail us, 'cause this is very, very important stuff,

but, um, I'm getting a little hung up on something.

The guy that shushed us last night... Is that bugging anybody else?

I've been thinking about that too.

Have you been thinking about that? I really have.

What are you talking... You were in the middle of telling Charlie to keep quiet.

I was telling him to be quiet. I was telling him to be quiet.

I tell everybody to be quiet. I don't shush them like they're animals.

I use my words. Whatever. I'm gonna go get the video camera.

Yeah. Yes. Guys,

you're normally very excited about making videos, all right?

Guys, let's just focus. We have bigger fish to fry. Yeah, let it go.

I can't let it go. I can't let it go either.

I won't let it go. I'm irritated by it.

I'm not gonna let it go. Uh, yeah, but the viral video thing is very important.

We'll get to that. We'll pop a shush on the guy, and we'll be right back.

- Let's... Yeah. - You could just find the guy on Facebook.

That's where you find people these days.

You're not gonna find the guy on Facebook. There's three billion people on there.

Are you crazy? Yeah, you don't even know the guy's name.

- We don't know his name. - Go on Facebook, magically find a guy.

Facebook.

Found him. Really?

Yeah. He was friends with the Gin Bar. Holy shit.

- Yeah, that's him. - That's him.

Facebook is amazing. We are all connected. Right? Okay.

We're all connected. Yeah, we're connected. So let's get back to business.

Uh, viral video. Yeah, but now that I'm seeing his face...

Mm-hmm. I gotta be honest.

It was very annoying last night when he did that. It pissed me off. Right?

Maybe we can just, you know, send him a friend request and then...

Yeah, see if he responds... Then we'll get back to what we were doing.

- Okay, yeah. Distracted. - All right. Did he respond?

Not yet. How long does it usually take?

Oh, you know, it depends on if he's online or not. Refresh. Refresh.

No. No. What if you hit it faster?

I mean, here's the problem with, like, Facebook and Twitter.

You know, everyone says, oh, it's changing the world, but not in a good way, you know.

We're not connected with each other anymore.

Tweeting... that's not having a conversation. What is that?

No, no. And then these people who do that shit...

They hear you having a real conversation with your real buddies, your real pals,

and they get all jealous and pissed off, and they want to shush you.

Yeah, right. And you know what else is bugging me about this guy?

I cannot get past the fact that we're perfect strangers.

He doesn't know me. I mean, for all this guy knows,

I'm a psychopath with a trunk full of chain saws, right?

He shushes me 'cause he doesn't like the volume of my conversation,

next thing he knows he's chopped to bits in a basement somewhere, you know.

Was that worth it? No. And I could be a man with a fist full of hammers...

Right. and a trunk full of duct tape and zip ties.

This guy doesn't know me. Is he crazy?

It's very upsetting to me that he didn't consider any of that.

Yeah, well, this is not a considerate man, Charlie. This is a rude man,

and they are very seldom the same people. Yeah.

Uh, sir. Yeah.

Can we get you for a second? We've got a...

- What can I get for you guys? - Well, we're looking for a man.

Um, yeah. This guy was a real douche bag.

He was in here the other night. Uh... Yeah, douchey looking.

Kind of douchey. Yeah. I wish I had a picture of the guy, but we don't. Um...

Oh, he's a shusher. Oh, yes. Right.

This is a douche bag who goes around shushing people that he doesn't even know.

Yeah, people who could have chain saws. Or hammers.

I mean, is any of this ringing a bell to you?

No. Sorry, but I don't really see what the big deal is.

The big deal. You don't even see what the big deal is?

The big deal, sir, is that a grown man shushed me and my friend here.

We demand satisfaction from this person, okay?

We gotta find this guy because we have important shit...

that we're trying to do on the Internet, or whatever.

We have much bigger things going on. The sign is down, okay?

The sign is down. He took our sign down.

It's never been down. You see what I'm saying?

- No. - I'm getting frustrated.

I'm also very frustrated. Look. How would you like to be shushed?

I don't think I'd care.

- Shh! How'd that feel? - I mean, I was finished speaking.

Well, shh to you!

- Again, I was done, so... - Well, you're speaking too fast.

Stop speaking in such short sentences.

Then we can shush you in the middle and you'll know how it feels.

Okay, do you guys want a drink, or what? Yeah.

Yeah, we want drinks. Absolutely.

- Okay, so two house specials? - Shh!

- Specials. Yeah. - Yeah, two house specials.

Got interrupted. How'd that feel?

On your way.

I think you got him with that one though.

I don't exactly feel good about it.

No. But he had to know how it feels.

Yeah, but you nailed him. Thanks, man.

Hey, you know,

I think I know how we can get a picture of this shusher guy.

What you thinking?

Refresh.

Goddamn it. Why won't this guy be our friend?

It's like an online shush. You know, I...

Okay, Paddy's Pub has over 30 friends at this point.

Why will this guy not accept our friend request? He's too good for us?

Don't complain. Just hit refresh again. You son of a bitch!

Refresh.

Ha! I got the video camera!

All right. Mac, say "I got infected."

- What? - Say it!

I got infected. Get that away from me.

Deandra, okay, now here you go.

Say "I got the bug." No, I'm busy, Frank.

Say "Bug." Bug!

- What are you doing? I'm shooting the virus thing.

- What virus thing? - The virus thing...

that you guys said we were gonna infect all our friends on Facebook or whatever.

Oh! We got him! We got him?

We got you, Dylan Toback! You giant douche!

Are you guys gonna help me do the virus thing, or what? We're busy right now, Frank.

Yeah, we're doing the shushing thing first, Frank.

But you said the virus video was the most important thing.

No, no. No. We said the viral video is very important,

and it is very important, but we're on to this now. You know, we'll do it later.

Why don't you get it started and then we'll come and fix what you did, okay?

All right, but hurry up. Oh, check out these updates.

"I am a man-whore. I hate women. I am a liar."

He admits that he is a liar. Son of a bitch!

Uh, looks like he is shopping for a silk sash at Tootie's, on South Street.

A silk sash at Tootie's?

What an asshole. Hmm.

Okay. Daddy got a new plan. Mm-hmm.

Daddy got a new plan. Let's head down to Tootie's,

and we'll fire a shush right in his face.

We'll shush him real quick. But we won't tell Dennis and Charlie, 'cause they mocked us.

Eventually we'll tell them though, right?

We won't tell them right now, but we'll come back, and we'll jam it in their faces.

Face! Yeah, once we shush him. Okay, let's go.

Okay. Great idea. Great idea!

I want to make sure you got the nose right though.

That's the most important part to me, because it was an annoying nose.

It was a nose that you wanted to smack.

Then give him, like, almond eyes if you...

You've already said that. And don't compliment the man.

It's not a compliment from me, 'cause I don't like people with almond eyes.

I find it creepy. All right. Can we just take a look at the drawing?

Because we kinda need to get out of here.

You've done an excellent job.

Really good. Wow!

And what is your technique, sir? Because I want to learn that. That is...

You know, the only thing that would help this, is if you had him do this gesture...

Oh, my God. Because when the man assaulted us...

Mr. Reynolds, Mr. Kelly, I'm Detective Larson.

I'm gonna need to clear something up on your report here.

We're good, actually, 'cause we got... Yeah, we're good.

It says here this was filed as an assault,

but the only thing that you're claiming was that this man shushed you?

Yeah.

Yeah. But it was an assault.

Shushing somebody is not an assault.

There was more to it than... He... Yeah... It wasn't just shushing though.

Yeah... And the reason it was an assault...

was because he was shushing our cries for help.

Right. This guy was raping us...

- Well... Wha... - He was raping you?

Yeah. Well, yeah.

- Yeah. - The both of you?

No. You can't rape two guys. No.

No, no, no. I wouldn't even necessarily classify it...

You know what happened was that he only raped my friend here.

I actually shook him off in time.

The guy never quite made it inside of me, but my friend here... Yeah.

So he was only raping you?

Yeah. Yep.

Yeah. He, like, really, kinda made soup of your insides...

No. No, no, no. He barely made it in there, so, trust me, I'm fine.

- Yeah, but he bit his dick. - Not... What?

No, he did...

He... He...

The reason we were gonna file it as a rape...

was because he did make it inside me, but, like, just barely.

And the guy was super-small, so I'm fine.

And then I did get away.

Well, don't-don't write any of this down. Look. Can we just drop the case?

Yeah! Right?

We don't need to... We just need the drawing.

I didn't even think about that, because if we have the drawing, we can find the guy.

We can dole out the justice... And then this never needs to go in any files anywhere.

If you and Mr. Reynolds are filing a false police report,

there's no way in hell you're getting out of here with that drawing.

All right, Charlie.

I got another plan.

- How's that? - That's perfect.

That looks exactly like him. Yeah, I mean, he wasn't in a dune buggy,

and he didn't have... No, he was not.

A propeller on his head. I like the shushing though.

You nailed the shushing!

Tootie's. Tootie's. This is it.

Ew!

Is that him? That's him.

- That is him. - Let's do this.

Hey, Dylan Toback.

Shh! Shh!

Oh. Hey.

Sorry about that, ma'am. Hi, ma'am.

Uh, we thought you were this guy, Dylan Toback. He shushed us, and...

We were gonna shush him back. Yeah. Yeah.

We didn't think you were a man, per se... I did.

Okay, I did too. I did because of your hair.

Here's why. It's the hair, and it's the cardigan, and it's the build...

Yeah, and it's the way you stand. Broad shoulders. But that's okay. That's okay.

There's nothing you can do about that.

Have a nice day. I'm still confused.

I'm very confused. It's sort of a transgender situation.

Are you guys looking for Dylan Toback? Yes.

Yeah. Do you know him? He posted on Facebook that he was here.

Well, can you guys keep a secret?

No! Ye... Yes.

Yes, I can... Yes, yes. Yes, yes.

That wasn't him. It was me. I started a Facebook page to get back at him.

I'm his ex-girlfriend, and he was the worst.

He was always like, "Sally, send me money."

"Sally, mail me hair."

- Mail him hair? - Weird, right?

Yeah. And then he posted a bunch of naked pics of me online, and that was the last straw.

Oh, my God! That's disgusting.

I know. Naked pics online? Where? Where did he post those?

I don't know. One of those disgusting ex-girlfriend porno sites.

Oh, those disgusting ex-girlfriend porno sites.

I mean, there's so many of them though. Which one? Which one did he post it on?

- Do you know where we can find him? - Oh, I can give you his address.

- I don't give a shit. - Really? - Great! Great!

Also, put down one of the sites that was...

Listen. Do you want to come with us and maybe get some payback?

That's... Well...

Here's the thing. He's never actually met me.

Well, the pics I sent were a little more...

flattering than I actually am, and so we just sort of had this online relationship.

- Mmm. Mm-hmm. - But the hair I mailed was mine.

- That was real. - Okay, you know what? This chick is douchier than Dylan.

Let's get out of here. Yeah.

No, I'm not even gonna look for those nude photos.

I might. I might though. I might.

Come on, man. This guy's been in here.

He's got the annoying nose that you wanted to smack.

Evil almond eyes.

I'm sorry, guys. I've never seen a cartoon character in here shushing people before.

Well, he wasn't in a dune buggy. Yeah.

Look. Use your imagination. Yeah, he's not a cartoon character, okay?

Would you just take this seriously?

I don't see how I could take this seriously.

He's not helping.

No. He's not gonna be a help to us.

You're just gonna be difficult, so go get us more gin drinks.

That's-That's all you're good for. More of the gin.

God. All right. Here's what I'm gonna do, Charlie.

I'm gonna write "Rude man who shushes... please call" at the top,

and then, at the bottom, I'll put my phone number. Right.

Right? Then we'll make a shitload of copies,

we'll put them up all over town, and it'll act like a wanted poster.

Okay, wait. So you want the rude man to call you?

No, I want people to call me about the rude man.

- But if the rude man calls me... - that works too.

That works too! All right. That's gonna work.

Hold on a second. You're cool just putting your personal information out there?

Yeah! I'm absolutely cool with that, man, because I'm saying "Connect with me."

That's what we're talking about. People just don't connect these days.

I'm saying, "Call me. Let's have a phone conversation."

Yeah, don't tweet. Don't just tweet me. Don't shush me.

You know, let's connect. Let's have a connection, you know.

Don't be rude. Let's talk about rude people.

Let's talk about people who do rude things, you know.

Mm-hmm. I guarantee you, people will respect this.

Okay, one little roadblock. No big deal.

But let's shush this guy and get out of here, because it's starting to get complicated.

Yeah. And what was happening back there? Sending nude pictures of yourself?

That's just stupid, and that's desperate. Yeah, and hair?

I mean, sending hair... That's just demented.

Well, the hair I don't really have a problem with. What are you talking about?

What is the point of that? You send your hair to a guy,

and, you know, you just give that guy a sense of you and your smells and...

Oh, oh! Shh! Shh!

Okay. Come on. Goddamn it!

We're looking for Dylan Toback. Is he around?

Oh, Lord.

I knew this day would come. Um, come in.

Okay, but listen. We don't have a lot of time, okay?

Um, a few months ago, my daughter Jamela bought me...

this brand-new computer, and she put it right here.

- Speed up, speed up, speed up! - Okay. So, ever since Jerry got put on life support...

- I have nothing but time... - Whoa! Slow down, slow down, slow down!

- Ew. I didn't see him there. - I've had nothing but time on my hands.

And I've been so lonely, you know.

Okay, well, does any of this have anything to do with Dylan Toback?

- Oh, why is she doing that? - Um,

I am Dylan Toback.

No. No. No. Mm-mmm. Mm-mmm. Mm-mmm. No, you're not.

Don't say that. We don't have time for that, okay?

Is anybody online the person who they say that they are?

Okay, do you know how to find the real Dylan Toback?

Well, what I'm saying is he doesn't exist.

I made up the name Dylan Toback.

I've made up dozens of names. I'm really good at it.

My real name is Catfish!

What the hell is happening here? Here's what I gather.

I think she went on the Gin Bar's Web site,

found a picture of that guy and then made up a whole name and personality for him.

So we don't know the guy's name. No.

We don't even know if he's on Facebook. Nope.

How the hell are we gonna find him? I don't know.

Well, how did you find me?

Was it that Sally? Because that bitch been getting on my nerves.

- So you know Sally? - Oh, well, Dylan knows Sally.

No, he doesn't, 'cause Dylan isn't real! And you know what?

Sally isn't Sally anymore. Sally is now Dylan.

Yeah! And what about the nude photos?

- This is not about the nude photos, Mac. - Shh! Shh!

Don't you shush me! Don't you shush us, goddamn it!

- Don't disturb Jerry! - Disturb Jerry? I'm disturbed! He should be disturbed!

This whole thing is disturbing. If you shush me one more time, I will put you in the ground.

Do you hear me? You know what? Dee! We're losing focus.

Let's just get back to the bar. We'll find the nude photos there.

- Oh, yeah, yeah. Let's focus on the... - Well, hold on.

Don't you want your hair back?

- Is that your hair, Dee? - Oh, come on.

- You're Carl Lundegard? - Yeah.

What is the problem? Are we not putting these in the right part of town?

We put them in every part of town.

I know. Ooh, ooh. Here we go.

Here we go. Okay. Come on.

- Hello? - - I saw that guy you were looking for.

You did? Oh, that's great. Okay, can you tell us where exactly the...

Shh! Uh, no. Oh, you do not!

Oh! You... He shushed me.

Another one? Yes, another shusher shushing me on the phone.

All right. Maybe the poster is the problem because it says...

"Rude man who shushes... please call"... Right.

So rude men are calling just to shush you.

To shush me. This is prank calls.

Am I gonna have to change my phone number? That's a pain in the ass.

You never want to put your personal information out there in the world.

Yo! People abuse it.

- You find the guy? - No!

He's unfindable. We just hit a bunch of dead ends.

- The guy is a ghost. - I know! We tried to track him down on Facebook,

but it got very strange.

Like, it was just a bunch of girls pretending to be boys,

and Dee banged a fat old black lady,

and then sent her hair. That's not... All right.

Hey! I did the video, and I sent it to all of Paddy's Facebook friends.

You did? Yep.

Frank to the rescue. Oh, ho! Frank saves the day.

All right. Good work, Frank.

Nice. Let's check out what you got here.

♪♪ Welcome to Paddy's Pub,

the oldest pub in America.

Well, that's not true. Right.

- No, I lied. Everybody lies on the Internet. - He's right.

Everybody out there is lying to get what they want. Why can't we?

Totally.

We have a variety of old liquors served in strange containers.

We are packed with celebrities... the fun ones.

We also have cockfights and strippers.

And guess what.

We don't have a sign, so good luck finding the place.

But if you do, you'll be lucky,

'cause we also got donkey shows,

Mötley Crüe and cake.

Awesome. Awesome. Okay, okay.

Okay. That's awesome.

That is awesome. Frank! I gotta hand it to you.

I think I would go to this bar. I would definitely go to that bar.

This is the best part, coming up.

So spread the word to all of your friends.

At Paddy's Pub, you're guaranteed to catch a...

Virus!

Just ask this guy.

I got infected. Get it away from me.

- Or her. - No, I'm busy.

She looks like she caught the...

Bug!

So spread this video to all of your friends,

because it's a computer virus.

Virus!

Take it from me.

I am a doctor.

Dr. Toboggan.

Mantis Toboggan.

What? You sent that to all of our Facebook friends?

Yeah!

They're gonna think they have a computer virus, Frank.

Wait. You're the ones who said we needed the virus video.

I said a viral video, Frank. Goddamn it.

Goddamn it! Oh, my God. We never should've left him in charge.

The problem is we got focused on the guy.

We didn't help him with his... This whole thing is a total mess.

I mean, absolutely nothing good has come of today.

- No, we wasted all of our time. - Excuse me.

This is a bar, right?

We noticed you guys didn't have a sign out front.

Thought that was pretty cool.

You guys open?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yes. We are.

Charlie, lock the door.

Come on in. Oh!

English - US - Line 21