Original subtitles

We're looking at one of the most powerful storm systems...

ever to hit the Philadelphia area, folks.

As the hurricane moves up the East Coast,

we're already starting to feel its impact with heavy winds,

and everyone is bracing themselves for torrential rainfall.

Oh, my God.

I've never seen anything of this magnitude.

I can't believe how severe this is.

They get bigger and bigger every year.

We're expecting 20 to 30 inches.

Philadelphia, this is dangerous.

Stay indoors and be safe.

Well, I, for one, would like to meet this Jackie Denardo...

and see if her breasts are as staggering in person.

Guys, maybe we should get a 3-D TV.

The breasts are only going to keep getting bigger,

and we need the latest technology to keep up.

Are you guys kidding me? You're focused on boobies...

at a time when a massive storm is about to hit Philadelphia?

It's a hurricane we're talking about.

She's talking about it, and, you know,

we're sort of listening and we're enjoying her breasts.

Just let us have this. Yeah.

The breasts make you care about the weather in a really good way, not...

Guys, maybe she's right.

Maybe we are too focused on this woman's breasts.

Switch it to the other news channel. Channel 5 News.

Amigos, tenemos...

Cha-cha-cha! ¡Rica!

Oh, man! It's internacional! It's on every channel.

- These are the breasts we should focus on. - Hey-ho! What's up?

What are you wearing?

I got all riled up by the weather report. Ain't a drop of rain out there.

- So I put this old trash bag on to keep myself protected. - You did it for nothing, huh?

Yeah. It's media hype hyping up the storm, making people all nervous about it.

I don't know, Frank. I don't think this is hype,

'cause they're calling it the storm of the century.

I'll tell you what, Dee, um, because you might be right,

I think it's worth switching over to the other channel.

Because I feel like the coverage was a little bit more... extensive.

- As you can see behind me... - Ho! Look at that!

Oh, come on! Ooh! Yeah!

♪♪ I'm broadcasting to you live...

from the All American Home Center...

where shoppers are facing long lines to buy supplies for the hurricane expected...

They're talking about evacuating the city.

Guys, maybe this is more serious than we thought.

Yeah, it's serious. It's a Category 5 storm.

We've got to get ready.

Oh, shit.

Dude, maybe the Mexicans were right.

What are you talking about?

The Mexicans predicted that the world was gonna end in 2012.

That was the Mayans, dude.

Mayans, Mexicans... What's the difference?

One difference is that the Mayans are extinct.

Yeah. The Mexicans killed the Mayans.

No, the Spaniards banged the Mayans, turned 'em into Mexicans.

Oh, guys, this doesn't look good.

Okay, we're now getting unconfirmed reports...

of sporadic looting in cities along the East Coast.

People are looting now? Come on.

Ah, it's the media. They hype the storm. They hype the looting.

- It's all for ratings. - Whatever.

Either way, I think we should head up to higher ground,

you know, get to the Poconos.

Nah, you don't want to go up in the mountains. Are you crazy?

That's just putting you closer to the storm.

You want to go low, low as can be.

All right, you know what? We gotta stop pussy-dicking around here, okay?

- It's time to get in the bunker. - Bunker? What bunker?

Yeah, we, uh... We converted this old storage closet...

into a place where we could ride out Y2K.

Ha! Y2K...

Perfect example of how the press hypes everything to no end and nothing happens.

We know that now, Frank, but, back then, we were pretty scared.

Yeah, but why were we so scared?

Dee got us all worked up about the computers taking over mankind,

and then she had us build this bunker.

Yeah, robopocalypse... machines communicating with each other...

and conspiring to destroy the human race.

That is complete nonsense, Deandra. Is it nonsense?

Is it nonsense? Or is it nonsense that we rely solely on computers...

to run every aspect of our lives, huh?

Hysterical. She's hysterical. Calm down, Dee.

Here, come check out the bunker. It's pretty cool.

What the hell? What the hell happened to the bunker?

We, uh... We raided the bunker directly after Y2K.

Well, now it's empty.

Now there's nothing in here for us to use.

And why is there a condom wrapper on the floor?

You've probably been banging in the bunker, right?

Guilty. I've been watching him bang in here.

Have you? Weird. Weird.

The bunker's for emergencies. This is not a joke.

Yeah, well, whatever, you know. That's an emergency, I guess.

I see that somebody's also been eating...

a lot of your weird canned foods and sardines, Charlie.

- Yeah, where's all my... - Yeah, he was probably down here with Mac...

watching you rape girls and eating pickled eggs.

I don't rape girls. Come on.

Yeah, and I don't eat that many pickled eggs.

But, well, you know what?

Let's stock up on some more pickled eggs down here though.

That's a good idea. Let's go to the All American Home store.

We can get all of our supplies there.

The All American? Yeah.

That's the place with the weather... Yeah!

Let's go there. Let's go there. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wait. You're gonna actually go...

where the media is advertising?

Come on, Frank, it's not like we've never been...

to the All American Home Center before.

It's in our minds, you know. And she's in my mind.

Let's go there. It's settled. Right, I know.

But first, we need to board up windows. Frank, you help me with this plywood.

And you guys can each grab a box over there, and then we'll...

And they've left. They've left now.

I'm only still here 'cause I'm not as quick as them.

Is that a pickled egg?

No. It's an egg I brought from home.

Attention, all All American Home Center shoppers...

People seem pretty amped up.

We should get our supplies before they sell out.

Yeah, for sure. We should come up with a plan, and we should divide up.

Oh, my God. Ooh-hoo-hoo.

Aw! They're spectacular. Wow!

Imagine that image in 3-D.

- Oh, baby. - Yeah. Oh, my God.

Guys, I'm telling you, we should get one of these 3-D TVs.

Yeah, totally, but not now, okay?

We can't spend our money on a 3-D TV.

Right, right. All right, we gotta get the supplies, head up to the Poconos ASAP.

Come on. I don't know. Let's think about this.

For all we know, it could be the end of days.

No, it's not the end of days. I don't wanna go uphill.

Guys, it's not the end of days. Calm down.

It's just a storm, okay?

We'll get some batteries. We'll get some supplies.

Food. We'll get food.

Yeah, we'll get food.

But I feel like you didn't... You didn't say food.

Yeah, we'll get food, okay? Jesus Christ. Relax!

Okay, yeah, I'm... I'm getting crazy.

All right, I'll get the food. Yeah. Oh, my God.

You guys get the supplies. Okay, we'll get the supplies.

Okay. Okay. Give us the cash because...

No, no, it's okay. I have Frank's credit card. You take the cash.

You got the cash. We got the credit card. Let's go.

Hey, you know what I was thinking? In addition to supplies,

it might be nice to grab some girls, you know, get them back to the bar.

This Jackie Denardo chick... She's, uh,

sparked another storm inside me, if you know what I mean. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Might be nice to ride the storm out with some chicks. Yeah, yeah.

We could use 'em to repopulate the planet or something. That'll be great to have them.

I'm not going to entertain this notion anymore. I don't want to hear it.

I'd at least like to find one, like, Mexican or Mayan or something for predictions.

No, but get some batteries though.

You be the battery guy, and I'll be the... the "chicks and tits" guy.

All right.

Frank! Frank, you want to come help me do this or what?

No. Come over here. I want you to see this.

Frank... Come on, check this out.

At any moment, hoards of maniacs could come pouring through the windows.

This doesn't concern you? Come on, Deandra.

Please come over here and sit down, look at this.

What?

You remember years ago there was a storm in New Orleans?

Hurricane Katrina? Yes.

Yeah, I remember it. Mm-hmm. Okay, check this out.

What do you think those people are doing... surviving or looting?

They're surviving. Ah. Okay.

Do you remember a man named Rodney King? Yes, of course I do.

Okay, the L.A.P.D. worked him over really good.

Yes. Okay. This was taken during the Rodney King riots.

What do you think these people are doing... looting or surviving?

Well, they're looting. Ah, of course.

It's the media, see? When it's white people, it's survival.

And when it's black people, it's looting.

No, Frank. It's because the white people are stealing bread...

and the black people are stealing speakers.

If the white people were stealing stereo equipment, I would say they were looting too.

How do you know the blacks don't have bread in those speakers?

What are you talking about? What are we talking about right now? Listen!

There are big things to do. Calm down. This is the best part.

More? Yeah. Just check this out.

This was taken during the riots.

Do you recognize anybody in there?

What are you doing in the video?

I happened to be out in L.A. during the riots.

I was on business. And to steal ski equipment, I guess.

Yeah, well, I went in for a loaf of bread. I took some skis.

Everybody's happy. Not the people who own the skis.

Oh, shit! All right, calm...

Oh, my God! The power went out! Calm down.

This is terrible! We gotta get... Jesus!

That's why I like to have this little baby with me. Goddamn it!

Come on. Let's go! To bunker!

You come with me. Yeah, go first. Don't...

Just be careful with that.

We're gonna call it a hurricane party.

It's gonna be cool. It's gonna be awesome.

What's a hurricane party? A hurricane party's exactly what it sounds like.

It's a party during a hurricane at our bar... Paddy's Pub.

I've heard of that bar. Yeah?

Hey! Hello!

All right! All right! Hi.

Crazy, crazy weather coming our way. Yeah.

You trying to get these girls down to the bunker, or...

Oh, no, I'm-I'm inviting them back to our very cool bar that we own.

Oh! Cool, cool. Yeah, we got a sweet bunker too.

It's, like, so secure, people can't get in or out if we don't want 'em to.

We'll be, like, totally safe down there. Yeah.

I got a bunch of supplies. You guys like pickled eggs?

We got sardines too.

Yeah, we got a bunch of other, you know, normal food...

and normal stuff there too. Yeah.

Yeah, it's a great bar. Gonna be free drinks for everybody.

So you'll come. You'll party with us.

And you... Bring your girlfriends, too, you know?

Sure. We don't want just the two of you.

You got to bring your girlfriends. That's a requirement.

Sounds like fun.

Can our boyfriends come too?

Oh.

Your boyfriends?

Yeah, our boyfriends.

You two have boyfriends?

How did you not know...

that the reason I invited you back to my bar...

was to bang you?

Get outta here.

Get the hell outta here! Get... Get outta here!

- Shoo away from me! - You're a dick.

You're a dick. She's a... I'm not a dick.

It's okay. Take it easy, all right?

Wh-Wh-What was that? That was too dark. They lied to me.

Oh, okay. Well, just let it go, all right?

If you want to entice these ladies, you gotta talk about the bunker.

You got to lead with the bunker. No.

You end with the bunker. Or you don't talk about the bunker at all.

Are you kidding me? What are you wearing?

Dude, they have amazing stuff here. I'm totally prepared.

Check this out.

How sweet is that? Dude, what are you... Drop that.

Are you kidding me? You think girls are gonna want to come back to a bar...

with a man dressed the way you're dressed and carrying a hatchet?

Yeah. They're gonna be like, "Look at this sweet dude...

His awesome gear and his awesome hatchet.

He's prepared. He's ready for anything.

Storm coming? Hatchet coming."

Dude, I have an idea. I'm gonna go to the Office section.

Meet me in the Office section. Okay. All right, good.

I'll find Mac, 'cause we gotta get out of here, man. Okay, yeah. No, um...

- Let's... Lose the hatchet. - Come on, man. The...

I got another hatchet. Don't you worry about that.

Dark as shit in here.

It's very creepy. Let's just get to the bunker.

What was that? Was that a rat?

It was a looter. What...

Behind us.

Oh, a looter! Shoot him!

- No, don't shoot! - It's Cricket!

Ooh! No!

- Cricket! - Oh, what are you doing down here, Cricket?

Aah! I come down to the bunker sometimes when it rains.

Oh, we got to get him to the hospital!

No, I ain't goin' to no hospital.

They euthanize the homeless. They're goddamned death camps!

- You got no hand, Cricket! - I have a hand, Frank.

It's-It's a little... I have a hole in it. Big deal.

Frank, I'm gonna be honest with you.

I don't really wanna go to the hospital either because...

We're gonna be there when the hurricane hits,

and it's gonna be packed to the gills with vagrants.

Are you out of your mind? This man is bleeding to death here!

You know what we could do? We could dress him up and take him upstairs.

Then the looters would think he's the owner of the bar,

and they'd have their way with him, and, if he died,

you know, it's on them and-and not on us.

That-That's good. Let's just do that.

Don't listen to him! He's delirious!

- You're bleeding out, Cricket! - It's nothing. Frank, this is nothing.

Goddamn it! All right, Cricket. All right, fine. We'll go. We'll go to the hospital.

Frank, we are coming right back here after we drop him off...

to be where we are safe in the bunker, where we belong.

- Okay, let's go! - Okay, get out.

You're marching me to the ovens!

Dennis!

There you are, dude. Dude, things are getting kind of bad in here, man.

Like, people are all worked up, right?

I've been trying to find Mac. He's not answering my phone calls.

I went out to the parking lot to see if he was out there hiding out in the car or something.

He took off! Car's gone!

Mmm, well, clearly, he's evacuated to the Poconos.

Do you really think he'd do that to us? Absolutely do that to us.

I don't know. This is bad, dude.

What you got here? What you working on?

Oh, this is great. This is an agreement for the women.

Yeah, it guarantees that whoever comes back to the bar with us...

agrees to follow all the rules that we set forth.

That's smart. Walk me through the details. What you got, Dennis?

It's all very simple, Charlie. Very simple stuff.

Um, "I... state your name"... Charlie Kelly.

Hmm? Well, not your name.

Oh. Their name.

"Being of sound mind and body,

do solemnly pledge that I do not have a boyfriend,

nor am I currently engaged in a sexual relationship...

with another individual, females excluded." Right.

"I hereby agree to be easygoing,

to engage in playful conversation,

to always act as though I desire your penis even when I don't."

Yeah. It sort of goes on and on like that for a while.

I love it. Where do I sign? Again, um, you don't sign anywhere.

If we're doing a contract, I want to sign it, so...

This isn't a contract for you, Charlie. Uh, it's not?

This is a contract...

♪♪ ♪ Till now, I always got by on my own ♪

♪ I never really cared until I met you ♪

♪ And now it chills me to the bone ♪

♪ How do I get you alone? ♪♪

Oh, my God.

Charlie, I might be in love with this woman.

Not for the right reasons, mind you. I got an idea.

Yeah. Let's get her back to the bunker, right?

She's the perfect kind of woman to start over the new world with.

We would create a race of super giant-breasted women, you know?

I'd start sleeping with your daughters. You'd sleep with my daughters.

I'd sleep with your daughters' daughters.

You'd sleep with my daughters' daughters.

We die, our sons would sleep with our daughters' daughters' daughters.

It's like a perfect society.

I see where you're going with that, but it sounds like it could get a little messy.

It could get a little stick... Let's work out a new agreement, you know.

All right, we'll come up with a separate agreement. Who sleeps with whose daughter?

Okay, that sounds good. All right, I'm gonna go talk to this woman.

All right, okay. Okay. All right, okay.

Um... Um...

I gotta say, man, this woman's really throwing me off, dude.

I feel very, very nervous. I don't usually get nervous.

You want me to help you out? Yeah. No.

I'll go over there with you. No, no, no.

I want you to stay as far away from me as possible.

You're standing too close to me as it is actually.

Have you gotten into the cheese? There's a whole cheese section.

I bet there is. I went nuts.

All right, well, you stink. Mm-hmm. All right, you know what?

I'll find Frank. He'll pick us up. Okay, yeah, go call Frank.

I'm gonna go talk to the, uh...

I don't think I can do it dressed like this though. I look ridiculous.

You guys, I don't mean to be a bother, but are we almost at the hospital?

Shut the hell up, Cricket! Okay?

I'm driving as fast as I can! Do you not see that?

Move!

What are you doing, Frank?

What are you doing, Frank? I'm getting air.

You're sucking it all up with your panicking. It's freezing outside.

You're gonna catch cold, and then everyone's gonna get sick in the bunker.

What are you talking about? Freezing? It's sunny as shit.

Will you calm down, for crying out loud?

You're gonna give me a heart attack!

Oh, all right. Let's go.

It's Charlie. Yo!

You're shittin' me! Huh?

God!

Mac went to the Poconos,

left them stranded by the All American with the supplies!

With the supplies? No! No, no, no, no!

I'm not getting stranded in the bunker with no supplies!

You guys, what about me? I'm in pain. I'm in... Shut up!

Goddamn you, Cricket! Goddamn you! It's not about you!

I'm gonna pick up the guys. I'm gonna drop you off at the hospital.

It's gonna take two seconds, okay?

Is that okay, Cricket, with you? Huh?

Go!

Come on, come on! Get outta the way!

I don't wanna die.

Don't make me do it, Cricket. I will slice you in half!

As you can see behind me, Larry,

the storm is really taking its toll on weary shoppers.

The lines are still long as frustrated customers wait anxiously...

to return home with some emergency supplies...

before the worst of the storm hits.

Jackie Denardo, Channel 5 News.

We out? Good.

Hi. Hi.

It's... Hi.

I'm Dennis... Reynolds.

Hi. Hi... Dennis.

I have a bar. I own a bar. It's my bar.

And I wanted to invite you to it... for...

Uh, we have food and supplies, and it would be a good place...

This storm is gonna be bad, as you know.

So why not be at the bar with me, um,

and, you know, for the good of the race?

So come to the bar and, uh...

Oh, and I have a contra... an agreement.

Uh, excuse me, sir. And I need you to sign...

- Yes? - Yeah, it's about the storm.

Okay? Storm's not gonna hit Philly.

It's just gonna drizzle.

Really? Yeah.

How am I supposed to turn that into news? I don't know.

Find some other way to make these people go nuts.

We need a story. Okay, thanks.

Hey, Todd. Storm's just been downgraded.

Apparently we're just gonna get a light drizzle.

Goddamn it! I have a bunker.

Maybe we can turn this into global warming.

That always gets people whipped up, huh?

Get-Get-Get... If you get in the bunker with me,

then you'll be totally safe.

For the good of the race, we can create an entire...

Oh, my God! Get lost, creep!

You're gonna treat me like a dog, huh?

You're gonna treat Cricket like a dog?

Hospital.

Hospital.

Come on. Come on.

Hurry it up. Move it along.

He's taking forever. We're gonna die in...

Hey, you look kind of Mayan. You wouldn't happen to be a Mayan, would you?

Charlie! Charlie, there you are.

I think I found a Mayan. We've been looking all over for you.

Cricket's out in the car bleeding like a pig. Seriously?

We gotta get the supplies right away. I got great supplies.

I've been getting all sorts of stuff. Things that would...

Hey! Hey, hey! That's my cart.

Hey, folks! Folks, listen up!

I'm sorry, but our credit card machines...

just went down due to a system overload.

We can only accept cash at this time.

What? Shit!

- Okay, well, you got cash? - I only have cards.

Charlie, where's the cash I gave you?

Mac took off with all our cash! He just took off!

What? We're gonna die.

I told you! I told you!

I told you we're dependent on machines.

You guys, once the machines go down, then society collapses!

We're going to hell in a handcart.

I got a plan, okay? Let's just start looting shit.

Let's just grab shit. Let's just grab whatever we can. Yes!

No, you can't loot until the crowd whips up into a frenzy.

The crowd is whipped up into a frenzy. They just stole my cart!

I-I think the time will be evident.

Well, what are we waiting for? I don't know.

Oh!

Loot! Loot! Time to loot! Loot! Loot! Loot!

Take everything... and anything!

Kill the machines!

Kill the machines!

It's their fault!

Kill the machines before they kill us!

You son of a bitch!

Come on, come on, come on. Get it, get it, get it.

Just seconds ago, a car crashed through the building,

and the crowd is scattering.

Despite the fact that the storm has been downgraded,

the people have worked themselves into an uncontrollable frenzy!

It's the end of days! This is the end of days!

Pandemonium has struck!

Come to the bunker! Come to the bunker!

Dennis, I got her! Dennis, I got her!

Son of a bitch!

Is this the hospital?

This isn't a hospital.

3-D boobies.

Now this is news.

Ahora, esta tormenta no ha pasado todavía.

Por favor, vayan a la tienda.

Agarren las cosas que necesiten para...

English - US - Line 21