Original subtitles

Mattie.

- Hello? Eddie?

Ah!

You got me again.

- Mattie. Mattie. Mattie.

- Nuh-huh.

- Come on. It's a fake knife.

I bring it every time I camp. It's an icebreaker.

- Rae barely knows you,

and Jess doesn't get your sense of humor.

- You're killing me.

Masks are strong totems in horror.

- Is this a good idea?

- The mask? Yes. One hundred percent.

- No! Camping.

Maybe we should just do like Jess suggested

and rent a hotel room.

- Okay, if Jagger can spend ten days

roughing it in the wilderness,

it would probably be a good idea for you

to get some glamping out of the way

before marrying him.

Personally, I think the mistake was inviting T&A.

- Don't call them that.

She's eccentric.

"Eccentric?"

Single White Female .

Besides, they've been housemates for like what?

A year, and she's planning this whole thing?

- It's not the bachelorette party.

- Well, she shouldn't be planning anything.

- We just happen to be going camping

the same weekend Jagger is?

It's a bit synchronistic, don't you think?

- Hmm.

- Plus, Matts said he's going solo.

- You know he's up there partying with his friends.

- Child. We know.

Ever since we were kids,

a dark cloud has followed Jagger...

until he met you.

It's so amazing you've always been

able to see past his history.

- He's always been honest about it.

- His mom...

his dad...

His ex...

And the real killer's still out there,

you know?

Can't believe he was a suspect.

- I don't wanna think about it.

- Less people at the wedding.

Ha-ha.

- That's not funny.

- No, of course not. I just...

- What?

- Look, um...

I just... I want you to make sure

you know what you're getting into

before saying "I do."

You know, till death do you part.

It's my dad's car.

I can pack extra if I want .

If something needs to go on the roof,

we'll put it on the roof.

Like Eddie.

Where is the tent?

Try-Hard said she's bringing one.

It's gonna be so fun.

- Oh. - Oh.

- Look at both of you.

Adorable.

- Did you-- did you make those?

- She got you guys shirts, too.

- Here you go.

- Aw. - Oh, that's amazing.

- Oh!

- So sweet.

- So thoughtful, and just, pink is my--

my favorite color.

- Camping.

- Yeah.

- Whoo!

You know, we could jump on a plane

and be at a beach a lot quicker.

And that would also cost us a fortune.

Besides, there's a surprise.

What surprise?

No, we'll do whatever you want. It's your weekend.

No, it's our weekend.

Ah. I just lost my signal.

- Shit. Do you know where we're going?

I wouldn't get our girl lost.

- Okay, well, I think we should ask someone.

- What, ask where we're camping?

Have you ever seen a horror movie?

Lost.

No cell service.

Asking for directions.

- Not exactly how I want to be fucked.

- I--I know where we're going.

Oh, I know.

List of stupid things people do in horror movies.

- Make dumbass lists.

- Well, you killed that.

- Don't swim in shark-infested waters.

- Don't open the doors to other dimensions.

- Don't have sex.

Screw that.

- Don't assume that a crazy person is harmless.

- Don't investigate strange noises.

- Don't split up. - No.

No one is splitting up.

- Buddy check.

Buddy check!

- You too, Eddie.

Thank you for doing this.

- What are best friends for?

- What the fuck was that?

Oh, yes. Here.

Right here.

And... surprise!

Wait. They're all staying in one tent?

Who?

- We're all in one tent.

- But that's just two tents for all of us.

What if we want to hook up with someone?

- Whose tent is that?

- Like you didn't know Jagger and his friends

would be up here. - I didn't.

Are we okay to be here?

He wanted to go by himself.

- He told me the GPS.

Yes.

That looks like it's been here a while.

- Wait, where's their cars?

- Probably in town at the bar.

- There's a town?

There's a bar?

Is it gonna rain?

It's all part of the fun.

Welcome to the mountains.

I brought a frickin' key lock

for possible lockers by a pool.

Where are we?

- And the bathrooms...?

- Oh, no way. - Eddie...

- Mm-mm. - What's the bucket for?

Um...

it goes with this.

- I am not doing bowel-gebra in a bucket.

- You did want to do something wild.

Wild.

Like the bears.

- Bears?

- This is great, Eddie.

Yeah.

Hey, peeps.

Um, if you're sitting there wondering what the hell

I got up to this weekend, I was in the middle of nowhere.

Dodging bears.

And if I die, this will be a part of my found footage.

You deserve so much better.

- Hey, can we keep the phone in the car?

This is supposed to be back to basics.

- Okay. I did not remember Mattie or anyone

agreeing to shitting in a bucket.

"Oh, hey, do you want to go out for the weekend

and shit in a damn bucket?"

"Oh, wow. That sounds aces."

- The bucket kind of stinks.

- Literally. Literally stinks.

- We use bags. In the bucket.

- Oh, that's so much better.

- It'd be nice to have some mementos

for Mattie to remember this by.

Pictures.

Not poops.

- Okay, it's settled.

Rae and I'll pay for a hotel. - This will be fun.

- It will, I promise. And as for pictures...

enough film and flash for days.

Come--come on.

- Okay, that's cool.

I'll keep it in my bag with me.

I gotta make sure to keep certain things close by.

Oh.

Yes. Found the shower.

I don't think this is right.

- Bringing wood out here would be like

bringing water to an ocean.

I bring water to the ocean.

I bring water to the pool. I bring water.

- There were "no fires" signs all over.

- Trust me, I've got it all figured out.

- What, are you SWAT now?

- Did you hear that?

- No, Eddie.

Eddie, no.

We're not supposed to investigate strange sounds.

- It sounds like something's in pain.

- Eddie!

- All right. Come on. Whatever. Let's go.

Oh, my gosh.

She's so funny.

- Ew. Gross.

- All right, you already got us once.

Not falling for it.

- No, really.

Mattie, come here.

- Oh, yuck. Guys.

What would do this?

What is it?

- Come on. - Oh, God. No, no, no.

Maybe the guys are back by now.

- Poor raccoon.

Rae, come on.

Ah. The four Fs:

Food. Friends. Fake fire.

Just waiting on the fifth.

- I would have thought they would have been here by now.

Anyone else cold?

- No, of course not.

- Ooh.

Tell your mom this one is a definite yes.

- Ooh.

- Sure you don't want to try?

- Mm-mm.

- To Mattie.

- To Mattie. - To Mattie.

Cheers.

Thank you, guys.

Thank you, Eddie.

I'd never have come out here without my girls.

- Aw.

Maybe we can use our socks as mittens.

- Here. I have an extra pair of gloves.

- Oof. Thank you.

- We just need to, um,

make sure to clean all this up

before we go to bed.

- Okay, Mom.

- Ooh, are your parents going to ground us?

- My parents are dead.

- Ouch.

- I'm so sorry.

Her parents aren't dead.

She told me she visited them a couple days ago.

She gets me and Jags all the time.

- Ha-ha-ha.

- No, really.

We have to make sure to do certain things

or else we could attract...

Stupid kids.

Hell of a surprise, Ed.

- This is where we're supposed to be.

How did I know it wasn't their tent?

- There's your bear, Rae.

There's your wild man, Jess.

- Funny enough, he's our stripper.

Did you see the pole?

- I saw the gun.

- Maybe we should move.

- I say we just chill here and deal with it tomorrow.

Nothing has changed.

- "Nothing has changed?"

- Except now, maybe we are feet away

from a homicidal maniac.

I got you.

- What if it is their tent?

- Oh, god.

They probably saw him and set up somewhere else.

- I think we should find the guys.

- If we let this guy kill our pre-batch party,

then he wins, right?

We have just as much a right to be here as he does.

Mattie, it's your weekend.

What do you want to do?

Whole freakin' forest...

- Can we please turn this crap off

and put on something good?

You're such a buzz kill, Jess.

- How about...

we take something off?

- What? Am I the only one with balls?

- I just figured you'd show us at some point.

- Really? No one?

No one has...

- Fine. Fuck it.

I call.

- Jess.

- Oh. Nicely played, Jess.

And...

I raise you.

- No. Eddie, don't.

- I don't think that had the desired effect

you were going for.

- What about you, Mattie?

You came out here to get wild, right?

- I would, but not in front of him.

- Doing it in front of a stranger

is what makes it liberating.

Stranger?

I'm no stranger.

Hell, we're co-eds!

- You need new earmuffs.

- Okay, let's all put our shirts back on.

Come on.

Eddie, please.

- I should be reading.

- No. Don't.

He's just messing with us.

He's just a big fat goofball.

Come on. Stop it.

Put it on.

Please.

Come on. It's freezing.

- Fine.

When you're done,

put your foodstuff in the bear box.

- A bear box?

It's also for the raccoons.

- Aw! I love raccoons.

- All right. We'll just keep the food in the car.

You could.

Would it be mansplaining to tell you

that I've seen big-ass bears rip doors off of cars

just like that

to get at an old greasy French fry under a bucket seat?

- I know. - Hell, even I can

smell the grease emanatin'.

- Come on. You're helping.

- Fuck.

- Do we use that one?

No. This is mine.

- Real nice. Real neighborly.

Twenty feet that way.

Pass your ass, there's another one.

I let guests use that one.

- Oh, guests?

Now we're-- we're his guests?

This guy.

We're done talking to you, creep.

What do we do with the trash?

Drive it out, bear box,

or you bag it hanging from a tree ten feet up.

- We should bounce.

Where?

- Uh, find the guys...

and air out the car... anywhere.

Not just the food that smells.

- Is that some sexist remark?

You all smell like

a potpourri of floral farts at a farmer's market.

Okay, Grandpa.

I'll find the bear box.

- All right. Seriously, come on, guys.

We should go find someplace warm.

- Yeah.

I wouldn't leave if I were you, Jess.

Not gonna find your way back.

How do you know my name?

- Everyone within half a mile knows all of your names.

You're Jess, one getting married is Mattie.

- Okay, let's go.

Come on. - Yeah.

- Hey, you two go. We'll be fine.

And the other one is Eddie.

- Are you sure? - Yeah.

Just drive around a little and then come back.

- You're sure this is what you want?

- Yes. Hurry back.

Okay.

- Okay. - Bye.

- Love you. - Love you.

Rah!

Ugh! Eddie!

- God, you fucking...

You promised.

- Okay, I'm done with it.

I'll put it back in the truck.

- One day, she's going to get it

like a big house flying down on her.

- We'll see you in a few minutes, okay?

Go.

Love you. - Be safe.

Yeah.

- They're still warming up to you.

- Yeah.

- You think we're safe?

- You'd be surprised what I can do with it.

I have to go take a wee, so just, uh...

- Oh, wear this so I can see you.

Where'd you get that, by the way?

It's a gift I never wear.

Flashlight. It's dark.

- Oh, thanks, Eddie. You're the best.

Oh, no.

Huh. Oh.

O-kay.

Come on. Let the river flow.

Let the river flow.

Okay.

- Turn it off! - Eddie?

- Turn it off! - Eddie?!

What is wrong with you?

Eddie?

Eddie!

Are you okay? What happened?

- I went over to talk to him. - Why?

- I just thought I should apologize.

- I heard a chain--

- He was cutting something up.

- In the dark?

Hey, it's okay. You're okay.

God, I wish they'd get back here already.

So we're not going back?

We've been lost for hours.

We are near empty.

I'm not sleeping in the car.

Or did you miss the part about the bears

literally ripping the doors off?

Because I wear honeysuckle deodorant, Rae!

Honey fucking suckle!

This place is creepy.

It's the only place we've seen.

Aw, he's so cute.

Ah!

- Stop!

You're gonna give me a heart attack.

You okay, Peppercorn, baby?

You okay?

Did they scare my baby?

I don't know what crappy carrier you have

but GPS always nearly work anywhere.

- I'm sorry.

How do you pronounce that?

- This?

"H-X-B." How would you pronounce it?

- Heckeba?

- "Hot Cross Buns."

My karaoke name. Yup.

You can see me do my thing every Wednesday,

seven till midnight down at The Barn.

I mean, I'm in rotation with whoever shows up.

- Oh.

- But we love us new blood.

Helps if you can carry a tune.

Me-me-me-me.

- But unfortunately, that don't stop most.

- We actually don't have any gas.

- Gas opens at eight.

And as far as calling the police to help you find your pals...

we don't have cops.

We have a sheriff and rangers.

Your phones really aren't working?

Tell us we're nuts.

- I'm just a dumb local but, uh...

- Hey, they weren't working a minute ago. I don't--

- Yup. We have running water, electricity,

and "flushable" toilets.

Okerrr.

Okay, wait. I don't have service anymore.

Me either.

How am I supposed to download my notes?

Okay.

You try going that way and I'll try going this way.

We'll see if we have signal. - Okay.

Yep, I got service again.

- Yeah, me too. Thank god. - Ah. Okay, wait.

So let's switch and see if it stays the same.

Yeah, yeah. Good idea.

You left me hanging.

- Yeah, I still got it.

- Yeah, me too.

All right. Well, weird.

All right. Let's go.

Wait. Mine dropped out.

Mine too.

- What the...

Oh.

- Oh, it's back.

- Oh, my gosh.

Boo!

- Yeah, I know. I'm creepy.

- Hah!

- No, seriously, you should lock your doors.

You young generations, always staring at your phones,

never paying attention.

And keep it quiet out here.

You're gonna wake up Peppercorn.

This is crazy.

Do you have a tampon?

I think I might be syncing with the moon

or something out here.

- Yeah. Back here.

- Okay, good.

Just want to be prepared.

Wait, what the fuck is this?

I don't know. It's your dad's truck.

There's a button.

- Okay. - I'm gonna just turn it off.

Okay.

- Wait, my service is back.

- Mine too.

That's a cell phone jammer.

- Eddie.

Eddie?

Eddie?!

Eddie?!

Jess?

Rae?

Ha-ha. Come on, guys. This isn't funny.

Hello?

Ah! Eddie!

I thought I heard a gunshot. Are you okay?

What is that?

- I found it with your vest.

- What are you talking about? What?

Why do you have a gun?

Is that his? - I got up to pee

and I looked over and I saw him,

and he had your vest.

- How could he have my vest?

It was in our tent. - I know.

I don't know how he got it.

He was-- he was jerking off into it.

- He what?

- And the gun was just laying there.

- I heard a gunshot.

- Yeah, I ran over

and I picked up the gun and I shot it in the air

and he ran off.

And a gun?

A chainsaw?

What else does this guy have in his tent?

- You shouldn't have that.

- You want me to give it back to him?

- I don't know!

God, I wish Jagger was here already.

And where are Jess and Rae?

- What if they did come back last night?

Would it really be that hard for a guy that big

to just kill them and dump the truck somewhere?

I mean, what if that is Jagger's tent?

- If this is one of your stupid jokes--

- You think I'm lying?!

- I will be so pissed at you if this is, okay?

- What is that?

Eddie, please.

Stay here. Eddie!

- You saw me put this in the back of the truck.

How could it be here, Matts?

What are you doing?

- Making sure he doesn't have more things

to kill us with.

That's a heavy-duty fork.

That's what Jess has been wanting all weekend.

Sorry. I joke when I'm nervous.

- What are you doing?

Eddie.

Eddie!

- I'm checking for weapons in case he comes back.

- Is that blood on my vest?

It's stage blood, right?

When I told you I didn't care about this vest,

you figured...

Mm. Bravo, Eddie.

Bravo. - We have to stick together.

- I'm not falling for it.

- I'm telling you the truth.

You can call the rangers.

But even with reservists, they don't have the resources.

Besides bear boxes, ya remember anything, the camp?

- There was a man camping there.

He was big. Like...

ex-football player big.

- Like ex-ex-ex-football player big.

I mean, a tall white guy.

He had a deep voice

and like a really dirty-looking tent.

- He had a gun,

and he was eating tuna out of a can.

- Oh, yeah. That was gross.

And a hat.

- Oh, and a fishing pole.

- Mm-hm. - Wait.

You could be talking about Ed.

Ed Rogers used to be a rich big shot,

theme parks or something.

Sounded like his second wife did him dirty and hard.

- Ugh.

- He's so pathetic.

I'm gonna melt down that dinosaur.

Is he really gonna go live in the woods?

- Hopefully, he'll go extinct.

- Maybe he killed her, for all I know.

Said he liquefied everything.

Bought this huge site between the state and federal land.

Contained the old Chilton's Campground.

Quiet guy.

If you were camping next to Mr. Rogers,

you were camping on his land.

Every two weeks, we see him.

He stays a day or two.

Does his laundry. Does his town business.

Actually, I just saw his nephew this past Friday.

Good-looking kid from your neck of the world.

Mm, Jimmy?

Mm-mm. Joogie? Jeggie?

- Jagger? - Yeah. That's it.

Jagger.

Killer smile.

That guy is Jagger's uncle?

Okay, this is getting weirder.

Do you know where his tent is?

- I'm actually starting to like that mask there.

Like a friend standing guard.

So stupid.

- Rah! - Ah!

- Oh, man.

- You scared me. - Good.

Got you back.

- I thought you were working today.

- Off early.

Your parents live on a dirt road?

- Um, my friend wanted to go hiking.

- Oh. - Long story.

You know what?

You and I should go camping, by ourselves.

Screw Jagger.

- Yes.

We should bring Jess and Rae.

Jess's father is an outdoorsy guy.

He's got a tent and stuff.

- I thought...

- I think the last place they went camping

had a pool and tennis courts.

- That's called cheap vacationing.

I thought it could just be you and me.

Um, I have all sorts of camping stuff.

- I love this idea.

Just the four of us,

in the woods, having a good time.

- It--it would be so much easier--

- It'd be like a pre-bachelorette party.

- Yes! Yes.

- Aw.

You so get me.

You know, if I wasn't marrying Jagger,

I would so marry you.

- They're back!

Where have you two been?

Someone thought it was funny

to put a cell phone jammer in the car.

Where is she?

Eddie, come out here.

- I borrowed it as a gag.

I knew where we were going.

- You mean we can call?

- No, not here.

But everywhere else in this-- - It was a joke.

- And someone said that they saw Jagger on Friday.

So he's up here somewhere.

- Yeah, at least she didn't lie about that.

Eddie, get out here.

- Okay. It was a bad joke,

but I didn't lie about it.

I never said I didn't know why our phones weren't working.

- You missed a lot.

- You missed a lot. - Mm-hm.

- That big guy is Jag's uncle.

Who's Jagger's uncle?

- His name is Ed Rogers.

- Mister Rogers?

Like the sweater dude? You're kidding.

- Nope. - What were you saying?

- She told me he attacked her with a chainsaw.

I did not say that.

I said I screamed when I heard the chainsaw.

- And the gun?

The blood? - Wait, gun?

Blood?

- You nailed it.

Stage blood.

- And the gun's fake, too?

- Well, it's not fake but...

- What is wrong with you?

- I'm not supposed to tell you guys.

- Now that is disturbing.

- It's not all me.

Look, Jags planned this and the big guy's in on it, too.

Anyway, when I saw him this morning,

he said he was going hunting for raccoons,

and if I heard a gunshot,

I should make up something nefarious.

And he gave me his gun to hold on to.

- Is it loaded?

- I don't know. Wanna check?

- No, I don't want to check.

- Why would anyone want to hunt raccoons?

- Wait, why do you have it?

- You guys did all say

you wanted a weekend to remember.

Ta-da!

- I knew it!

Yes.

- I'm very sorry about the phone thing.

I didn't know you guys were gonna get lost.

- We had to stay at some random cabin last night

until we could get gas.

- And now we have gas so we should just, uh,

hit the road, you know?

- No, no.

I love that Jagger thought of this.

I mean, where is he?

- Give me the keys.

I'll go find him.

- No fucking way.

- We should go with you.

- Look, I don't know everything,

but I was told to just keep you guys here

and to say and do certain things.

- All right, whatever.

Just gonna change out of these clothes.

Me too.

- I don't know when I became the bad guy.

It was all for you.

- I love you, guys.

You, you are good. You got me.

I love you, baby!

Hey, where's Mattie?

- She thinks I'm at my parents'.

- You mean your dead parents?

- I can stay for a night or two.

But then I gotta-- - Eddie, what the fuck?

- You gave me the GPS to meet you up here.

- You asked me where I was going in front of her.

After you lied about how much you love camping.

I'm getting married.

- It doesn't change the flavor of the beer.

Where are the bathrooms? I really gotta tinkle.

You're kidding.

I'll wait.

So how was it last night?

- Got up here late, so I stayed at a cabin.

Set up this morning.

This is a test.

You. Being here.

- You said you loved me.

- Okay, whatever I said, I said during sex.

Before I met her.

- The best sex you ever had.

- Eddie. Stop.

- I'm just messing with you.

You know, like friends.

Are we really going to throw away

15 years of friendship?

Where's your tent?

- Up that way.

- I betcha it's nice.

How big is it?

- It's a six.

- Mm...

it's more like an eight.

- Eddie...

- You're right, it's a test.

Are you out here all alone?

- Closest human's a half-mile that way.

- So, no one can hear me if I scream?

- Oh, no. No.

- Ah!

- Eddie. We're not kids anymore!

- Scream! - You're insane!

- Go on. Like we used to do.

- Ah!

- Again! It's gaining on us!

Pretend. Do... do it.

- Pretend. I don't wanna pretend.

- Then don't. Don't.

- Fuck you, coming up here.

- Fuck me for coming up here.

What?

The silent treatment? Really?

- Her father didn't want anyone else

driving his truck.

- "Her father didn't want anyone..."

She left the keys for me.

- Bitch, you know I didn't.

Give me the keys.

I'm sorry.

I ordered this as part of the surprise

and I had to pick it up before they closed.

- There was no way I could get Jess to go with me

without saying anything in front of you.

Sorry, Jess, it has dairy in it.

- You're evil.

- I'll take a piece.

- Let's save it for later.

Where are they?

- Uh, they're somewhere around here.

We should just go.

- Come on. They're here.

Let's just go for a walk.

- Come on, Jess.

For Matts.

You dead yet?

- I don't know how you put up with her.

She's such a drama queen.

- She's fun.

- Come on, Mattie.

You have the knife. Come and kill me.

- Raah.

Really? No one?

Someone. Okay, someone else.

- I'm good.

- What do you want me to do?

- Just pretend whoever has the knife

is going to kill you.

Okay, sure.

Why not?

Who knows, maybe Jagger will come and save me.

- It starts as soon as you hand the knife to someone.

- Which way?

Oh, god.

Oh, Jagger.

I'm running.

Oh, no. Here I come.

Ah. - Ah!

- I'm gonna kill you, bitch!

- Oh, my god. She's really into that.

Oh, my god.

Couldn't catch me.

- Ah!

- You have the weirdest sense of humor.

- It's a rush, right?

To face your fears.

- How the hell is screaming like an idiot

facing your fears?

- Okay, have you ever been too afraid to get on stage?

Or like, to graduate

or make a career change or something?

Everyone knows fight or flight.

But really, it's fight, flight, or freeze.

There's life in the first two,

but the freeze is stuck

on something or someone.

- Whatever.

- Can I try?

- It's fun, right?

- Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

- Ah!

- I'm gonna get you!

- I'm tired of these games.

They're not here again.

- Jagger will show. Okay?

- Okay.

All I know is that in an hour,

I will be eating that damn cake

and then rage-screaming at the ceiling on a real toilet.

Come on. Let's just bounce.

- He's just testing me.

He wants to see what I'm made of.

- Mattie.

- No.

Look, I'm staying.

- She's a psychotic manipulator.

- You just don't know her as well as I do.

Just... give her a chance.

Please. For me.

- It's Ed.

You got a cabin open?

Hey, Ed.

When haven't I had a cabin open?

Give me a sec.

Oh, there were two attractive young ladies

who were looking for you.

Oh, shit.

What happened to you?

- One of them found me. Don't ask. I have no idea.

- You all right?

You want some ice cream?

- No.

- Oh, okay.

Well, now this is a story I need to hear.

- Hello?

Hello, sir.

I just wanted to apologize about earlier.

How would you like to make a couple bucks?

No.

- Well, when my friends get back,

if you can just like rustle around the tent a little

and like make some stick men.

- Go back to your camp.

Enjoy the night.

Go home, get married, get divorced, live the dream.

- Well, maybe there's something else I can do for you?

Go away! Leave me the fuck alone!

Seriously?

You won't help me?

- Look, I'm sure your friends

will be plenty scared with the wind and the owls

and the falling fucking pine cones.

- Asshole.

Just watch out for the raccoons.

Hope one bites you in the ass.

Just reading my fucking book, asshole.

What the fuck?!

- Aah!

Eddie!

Fuck, turn that off!

Turn it off!

Turn it off!

What is wrong with you?

- I want you off my land in the morning.

Eddie.

- Shh.

- Don't touch people's stuff.

I like my mask better.

You move pretty good for an old fat Sasquatch.

Eddie?

I got peppered with snake shot.

- Snake shot?

Snake shot.

I keep the first two rounds of my sidearm for snakes.

Rattle--rattlesnakes.

Doesn't look too bad, does it?

- Oh, my goodness.

Uh, you know what?

It's too late for Doc Loc, but I can call the hospital

and the rangers, or I can drive you.

- I don't wanna explain myself to anyone else.

If it bothers me, I'll call Doc Loc in the morning.

- Okay. Well, um... here's your box.

Here.

- Thanks, Buns.

Mm-hm.

- Thanks.

Hey, uh,

you have anything that might fit?

- Well... um... oh, here.

Here's the lost and found box.

Whatever's in it that fits you, you can have.

- This all you got?

- This ain't no department store, baby.

Sure you don't want to go to Doc Loc's?

- Nah, I'm good.

Thanks, Buns.

- Is that Mr. Rogers?

Do you really think he killed his wife?

- Never assume a crazy person is harmless.

- Hey! Hey, hey!

Hey!

What the fucking hell is going on?

- That was them.

What?

- What are you doing back here? I thought you had to--

I shit at the gas station.

Mr. Rogers is at the cabins.

- Something's off. Something's really wrong.

- We should go there.

- Great. Just great, Jess.

You ruined the surprise.

What? She ruined it?

Why did you do that?

- Me? What did I do?

- I was supposed to keep you all here

until tomorrow morning and then...

then take you to the cabins.

- How was I supposed to know that?

- He was carrying a big box.

- See? I knew it.

I have faith like a mustard seed.

- You know what? I'm tired. I'm going to bed.

- If they're not seen by the morning, I'm gone.

Good night.

- Sorry about the surprise.

Maybe you were right.

It should have just been you and me.

Surprised to see you up.

- Great.

- Whatcha doing?

- Couldn't sleep.

- Wanna go for a drive?

- I don't like you.

I don't trust you.

I don't want to close my eyes around you.

I have a special friend who's a cop.

I'm gonna have him look into you when we get back.

Something's not right.

- Knock yourself out.

- Psycho.

I know.

You wanted a good forking this weekend.

We're just gonna see if your core

is as tight as your butt.

I'm forking nuts.

Stupid.

- Relax!

We're just gonna go check in on Mr. Rogers

and get some of his whacka-moley.

I don't care if it's in a cup

or if he humps you at gunpoint.

But I tell you what, his DNA...

inside of you,

that'll go a long, long way.

Yes. And may I just say,

you are a really good listener when you can't talk.

- Hello? Can I help you?

What's with the mask, babe?

- Believe it or not, Mr. Rogers killed you.

Now where could you be?

I'm just gonna borrow your keys. Thanks.

- Wow. Did you win that?

Yeah.

- Karaoke performer of the year?

Special.

Oh, you--you want this?

What a performance.

- Ahem, room service.

Yes?

Say cheese.

- Towel service.

Security.

Enjoying the show?

I wonder what they'll do...

when they find out Daddy's a serial killer.

Aw.

He wasn't there.

Oh!

You do realize this isn't me doing this, right?

It's all "What would Mr. Rogers do?"

- Here you go.

- Nah, I'm good.

- You're sure?

Alcohol would probably kill the pain.

The reason why those pellet wounds are burning

is because they're infected.

- I was gonna wait till morning but they kept getting worse.

- You know, I'm gonna have to report it.

- No, you don't. I don't want to press charges.

- Well, I'm not only a physician,

I'm also a reserve ranger.

You know, I have to report all gunshot wounds.

- And if they lie?

No way I win.

Pretty young thing

against the big grumpy asshole in the middle of nowhere.

Why did you let them camp there anyway?

- I didn't.

They were there when I got back.

First thing they did was take a picture of me

like I was some big freaking Bigfoot or something.

Making fun of me.

I mean, who're the sheriff or the public gonna believe?

And if I did tell them to get off my lawn,

and posted it,

they'd have a hundred protesters there next week,

callin' me, "Hairy Karen" or something like that.

- Well, rest up on the couch.

In the morning, I'll drive you out there,

I'll ask 'em a few questions and we'll get to the truth.

- I told you the truth.

That's what I'm talking about.

Not even you believe me.

Poor guy.

I wonder why he became a serial killer.

Was it because he was born dirt poor?

Or was it because he was told

his bipolar mother died during childbirth

and he cried into his pillow every night

his alcoholic, abusive father raped him?

- Rah.

To feel so undervalued, so disposable.

You know, lucky, blessed, pretty people...

like you...

should have more compassion for people like him.

- Jess?

Eddie?

You guys better not be fucking with me.

Rae...

Jess?

Eddie?

Fuck.

Ergh!

Jess!

Hey.

Jess.

J... no.

No, no.

No!

Fuck!

- Mm.

- Oh, you slut.

If there are two of you in there, you better cover up

because no one wants to see your scrawny ass.

Rae!

School's out, bitch.

Oh, you're awake.

- Oh, no, no, don't worry about Jess.

She's snug as a fuck in a truck. Just waiting for Mr. Rogers.

But enough about her, let's talk about you.

I know. I know. You need to be studying.

Let's see.

Mm. "Inter-temporal decision-making."

Urgh!

That would bore me to death.

Oh!

I wonder, do you just keep taking classes

because you're afraid to stand on your own?

- I guess technically,

it's "afraid to stand on your own two feet."

Screw it.

Sue me.

You know what? I honestly don't even know

why I'm still bothering with the mask at this point.

I think I've grown past it.

- Aw.

- I found this inside of Mr. Rogers' bear box.

I always wondered if these things were real.

I assume the bears will just probably

eat around the fake stuff.

Did you know that bears can smell a drop of honey

from a mile away?

Or actually, is that sharks and blood, huh?

Well, doesn't matter.

- Ciao.

That has an entirely new meaning now, doesn't it?

- Where are Jess and Rae?

- They went to the cabins to use the bathrooms.

- Hmft. I wish they would have waited for me.

I hate using that bucket.

- I guarantee you Jagger uses a bucket just like that one.

- What's that?

"Matts and Jags forever."

I got it for Mattie and me.

Something we can grow into.

'Course after one excursion,

she'll probably run for the hills.

- You and I should go camping.

By ourselves. Screw Jagger.

I should take her camping.

You're going to tell her.

- What?

Absolutely not.

That might end it.

I might never forgive myself,

but no one's ever going to know about us.

- Surprise.

I got this for you guys as a gift.

- Oh.

- Thank you, Eddie.

Aw. It means a lot to me that you support us.

So, thank you.

Eddie. Eddie.

Hey, what are you doing?

Eddie.

- You close your eyes when we have sex.

Is that because you're a narcissist

or because you despise me?

- What are you doing with my phone?

- And... send.

What? I told you, you were going to tell her.

Pictures and audio of us, together.

The truth will set us free.

- There's no reception up here for miles.

Give it to me. Now! - Not until it sends.

- I'm not going to let you ruin my life!

You love me.

You always have.

- I should just--

- Kill me?!

- What?!

- I'm trying to help you.

- I love her, Eddie.

She gets me.

- I'm trying to save us from making a huge mistake!

I've stood by you through every tragedy.

When people...

thought you could have been a murderer,

I defended you!

- Yes, we're friends, Eddie.

But that's all we're ever gonna be.

- Mattie will never, never love you like I do.

- You're right.

I have to tell her. - No.

- Knowing her, she'll probably forgive me.

- No, baby.

Jagger, we don't have to say anything.

- If she leaves me, so be it.

I want you out of my life.

Forever.

You're a cancer.

- Forgive me for what I've done.

- Aah!

- Fuck.

Aah!

- I just wanted you to finally pick me.

I killed them all! For you!

Oh, I'm so sorry, baby.

Ah!

I didn't mean to.

Aah!

- Now you... look like a killer.

- I'm sure everything's gonna be okay.

I'm just gonna get their side.

- Doc, that's their truck over there.

Yeah. You just stay right here.

I got this.

- Doc, call it in. Get some professionals.

Because of four girls?

I'll never live that down.

- Doc, they're not just girls.

- Yeah, whatever.

- Doc, do you think I shot myself in the back?

I got it.

- I heard a car. It's Jagger.

- That'd be fucking creepy.

- Oh, darn. I thought you were someone else.

- Is everything okay?

- We're fine. Thank you.

- There's four of you up here, right?

- Is something wrong, officer?

- Uh, reserve ranger, ma'am.

Where are the other two?

- They went to town.

- There was an incident up here yesterday

involving Ed Rogers.

- Oh, did you find him?

We have been so worried about him.

He stumbled and hit his head.

- Well, he said somebody shot him in the back.

Yeah, he's in my vehicle, safe and sound.

Which one of you is Eddie?

- I am.

Geez!

- Surprise!

- Why? Why did--

- Shut up!

I'm so tired of you and your stupid face

and your prissy princess ways.

Don't move.

- Feels different when it's real, doesn't it?

What the hell?

- Huh? What?

- Oh.

Ah!

I still know where Jagger is.

I still know where Jagger is.

You are so ungrateful!

Why won't you come back here to me?

- Ah!

- Woo-hoo! I'm gonna get ya.

- Rae! - Rae!

- Rae! - Rae!

- Rae! - Rae!

- Rae!

- Rae!

- Rae! - Rae!

- Rae! - I hear her. I hear her.

Look!

Okay, Rae, Rae, Rae.

Okay, okay.

I know. I know.

He's helping us, okay.

You're helping us, right?

- Yeah. - Raccoons.

Raccoons.

Oh, my god. What's on her?

Raccoons.

- Oh, man.

That's my honey.

- Raccoons. - I know. I know. I know.

- This-- this honey might have saved your life.

Kept these from getting infected

and may have slowed the bleeding.

What are we gonna do?

- I gotta get to my tent.

I got a first aid kit and a satellite phone.

She didn't find my satellite phone

and my other gun, did she?

- I... I don't know.

- Can you walk?

- Raccoons.

- I can get her to the car, there's a spare key.

- Let's get up.

Come on. Come on. - No, no, no.

Come on, come on.

- Do you have any idea where she is?

I don't.

Wait. She said she was gonna watch

Mattie kill herself where she killed Jagger.

- Jagger?

- Yeah. Okay, come on. Come on, let's go.

- You two make yourselves safe.

I got this.

Mattie, get back here.

Come on. It's fun.

No!

This was Jagger's favorite game.

That's weird he never played it with you.

I guess he only played it with people he was close to.

Isn't camping fun?

Mattie, get back here.

- I thought we were best friends.

Why are you running away from me?

What a day!

Mattie.

Mattie.

I know you're out there.

Mattie?

Mattie!

- I'll get her.

Oh. Fuck you.

What the...?

She set me up.

Nah. Not today, bitch.

- Fuck yeah, boomer.

I thought I said I got this.

- I'm not leaving Mattie.

Here. Fix her up.

Get in the back. I'll drive.

- No. Wait.

- Where are you going? - Just wait.

Keys are in the car.

- How you doing?

- Raccoons.

Please. Please.

I'll give you credit.

I had you pegged as a freezer.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

- There's probably gonna be blood and pus.

- I don't do well with blood and pus.

- Who does well with blood and pus?

- Oh, my god. I think I'm gonna faint.

What would my therapist say?

One-two-three. One-two-three.

- Jesus. - Oh, my god.

I hope you've loved all the surprises.

But this one, this one's the best.

You're gonna love it.

Come on. You're so fucking slow.

Oh, geez. That didn't take long.

You ever heard the expression "love stinks"?

- No!

- Here he is.

Aren't reunions special?

- Don't blame me.

The animals did all this.

I just killed him.

Bye, baby.

Why?

- Argh.

Where are we?

Hey, why am I holding a gun?

Oh, no. Did I blackout again?

- Eddie?

Eddie, it's me, Mattie. Come back, please.

- Argh.

You really are the sunshine from an angel's ass.

We were childhood sweethearts.

And you, you just had to waltz right in

and steal that away from me.

You could have never made the sacrifices that I made.

- If you loved him, why did you do this to him?

- We made love last weekend.

Right here, actually.

And right after, he...

still picked you.

I couldn't live with that.

And neither could he.

And neither can you.

Oh, I know. You must be so distraught.

This is Jagger's.

I thought you'd want it to be his knife

that brings you back together.

Go ahead and make it quick!

I still have to go and find and kill Mr. Rogers.

What?

Isn't this what you wanted?

I'm giving you the chance to join him for eternity.

- Rot in hell.

- That's not very nice.

- Eddie, you were my roommate,

you were my best friend.

- We have never been friends.

- How can you say that?

I treated you like a sister.

- You treated me no different than any of them.

Now do it. Now!

Now!

Three...

two...

one. - I'm pregnant!

- What?

- I'm pregnant.

I am, please.

Please.

- Ah! Fuck!

- Sheriff and rangers are on their way!

If you don't drop that gun,

the next round's gonna hit you center mass!

Is that you, Mr. Rogers?

Hell yeah, it is.

All I gotta do is keep eyes on you till they get here.

Help me, Jagger. Help me.

- It's just you against me.

Hah!

- You... back stabber!

- Shit.

- Don't. You don't want her dead,

then it'd just be your word against mine!!

Do you have any idea how many people you've killed?

- Probably less than you think!

- Hey, bitch!

- Chainsaw.

- What the fuck?

- I lied. I'm not pregnant.

- Ah!

- How'd you like this...?

- Fuck!

Fuck. What the fuck!

Get the fuck over there.

- I'm not gonna miss from this distance.

- Neither will I!

You can't die!

Argh! You're going to die! I hate you!

- Raccoons.

Raccoons.

Raccoons.

Bye, bitch.

Fuck.

Oh.

I still got knives. I still got knives.

- Raccoons.

Raccoons!

- Raccoons!

- Truce?

- Raccoons!!!

Oh, my god.

- You did a good job.

- Fuck her.

- Don't worry about me.

- I hate camping.

Ah!

Borrow my bullet.

Guess she'd never thought

I'd fight for it. - Told you.

- Yeah.

You'd think I'd learn. Listen to my lawyers.

- Extinction is too good for you.

- Hey, look, I gotta go.

My daughters are coming over.

- Is your first wife driving them?

- I'm gonna burn that dinosaur down.

- What's up, Diny?

You'll be fine.

You'll be fine.

- They both drive now. They're in their 20s.

Anyway, um, I got a business idea I'm mulling over.

- Yeah? I'm all ears.

- No, I'll tell you tomorrow.

- Theme park? - Maybe.

I'll give you a teaser.

People love being scared.

Oh. Life is good.