Original subtitles

Stop following me.

Dog, go home.

I am not your master.

to have to do this, but if you won't go home, I'm going to have to report you to

the police.

What's your name?

Bill?

Quarry?

Jeffro?

Beryl?

No, well, I'm not standing for any more of this. It's to the police station.

Come along.

Have you seen my Chinese takeaway?

Yes, I took it away.

You left it in the hallway. I've put it in the oven. Where have you been?

Out.

Something happened to me tonight.

Something happens to you every night. I mean, we've been here less than a week

and already you've upset the neighbours and I've got a backyard full of

broken... Broken furniture?

But that wasn't my fault. That was the removal men. I'm replacing everything as

fast as I can.

So what happened to you tonight?

A little dog followed me home.

Is that all?

He was standing at the front gate. I couldn't just leave him there, could I?

Yes, but you should have taken him to the police station.

I did.

And then I brought him back again.

See?

Now, don't glare at him. You've frightened him.

I am not glaring at him. I am glaring at you. He should not be here. Why didn't

you leave him with the police?

Well, I couldn't.

He wasn't on here missing personally.

No one had reported him gone. You can still...

No, you can't. Only for a couple of days.

And then they take him to the dog zone.

And then, if nobody picks him up, they

have to put him down.

Frank, I am not having a dog. I mean, haven't we got enough problems?

I mean, the council wouldn't let us keep him anyway.

They don't mind anything domestic you can have. It's sheeps and goats they

like.

seen him in that police station.

He was so frightened.

No, his little eyes.

I know just how he felt, because the same thing happened to me when I was a

little boy.

You were never in a dog's home?

No, but when my father left, the council wanted to take me into care.

My mother, they said, she couldn't look after me. So an inspector came round and

then he went back and told them all about the punching and kicking.

She kicked you?

Not me, the inspector.

She wouldn't let him take me.

Oh, but we're talking about a dog.

Do you like soy sauce?

No.

But dogs have feelings just like human beings.

No, look, I am not having a dog. Just think of the mess. There is no mess.

They don't have to be messy. He's been once today.

He only had one whoopsie day.

Well, the cat doesn't.

That's because she had her operation.

Frank, I am not having a dog.

But think of all the advantages.

See,

she could be a playmate for Jessica, one.

And she could guard all our valuables, so we wouldn't have any burglars.

We'd be the only house in town that didn't have burglars.

We already are the only house in town that doesn't have burglars. I mean,

there's nothing worth taking.

Yeah, but... Those little eyes.

Well, he did look a bit sad.

Yes. Oh.

Yes.

Come on, then.

He's really pleased to see you, Betty.

Look at him wagging his tail.

Look.

Betty, this is Betty, Betty's friend.

Why don't you give him something to eat? Yes.

Do you like soy sauce?

We've got plenty over there.

Well, you can keep him if he's properly trained.

He can stay?

Yes. Oh, I've started training him already.

I show him this, I will throw it over the floor, and then he'll come rushing

and take it back out. I see.

Retrieve.

Retrieve.

Well, he's had a long day, hasn't he?

Good boy.

What are you going to call him, Frank?

haven't thought yet, but I think he could bring us a lot of luck, Betty.

Think we found him at the beginning of the week. And you know what my mother

always said on a Monday?

What? It's Monday.

If you find a dog on a Monday, or anything starting with D, like a deer or

duck, it could bring you luck.

But there again, it might not be.

Good morning. Ah, good morning. Thank you.

Oh, this must be my gardening catalogue.

Been looking forward to this.

I'll have to start gardening in earnest now.

Add another little dish in it to the family.

Oh, really?

Another little mouth to feed.

And when was the happy event?

Last night.

We decided to call him Columbo.

Columbo?

Columbo.

An hour, Mrs Spencer.

She's very well, thank you. Just making the beds.

A bit early for it to be up and about, isn't it?

No, we always get up at this time.

And Columbo's doing well, is he? Yes, very well, thank you.

I've just given him his first bath.

He's a lovely colour.

Got one or two nasty little habits.

If he does it again, I think I'll rub his nose in it.

Columbo Spencer.

Poor little sod.

in the kitchen.

Yes, I thought so.

He's a funny dog. I don't know why he spends so much time inside.

You'd think he'd want to go outside and play in the backyard.

Well, he probably thinks this is the backyard.

I know he's not a pretty type, but we've got to leave it this way until the

insurance man's been this morning.

Otherwise he could think we've been exaggerating.

Exaggerating?

I've always been very skeptical about that chair.

It's never been the same since your father came round with his monkey.

Never mind about Dad's monkey.

No, there's another seven years' bad luck.

If it were only seven.

I mean, it wouldn't be so bad if we could go out once in a while. Do you

remember before we were married, we were always going out?

Well, we had to, didn't we?

Your mother wouldn't let me in the house.

It'd be all right when we got the insurance money, Betty. We'd be able to

the things that I promised you we could do.

Like we can go to the pictures.

Oh, there's nothing worth seeing, Frank.

No.

No. My mother used to take me twice a week.

If she was alive today, she'd turn in a grave.

All that horror and destruction and things about the devil.

The exo -sex.

Me, Frank? Oh, I used to frighten my mum, too, especially when they did the

iceberg.

The sinking of the Titanic, then.

Titanic, Frank?

Yes.

No.

Who's that?

It's Fuzzy.

And that's the man from the insurance company. Oh, no.

Oh, what a mess.

Oh, my goodness.

Talk of the devil, he's sure to appear.

But speaking of whisper, he's got a big ear.

I beg your pardon?

I was just talking about anything.

Um, may you remember Mr. Harris from the, um, Deep Pocket Insurance Company?

It's very nice of you to call so quickly.

Normally it would take longer, but my company does regard your husband as a

special case.

Ah, thank you very much.

What way is Frank special?

Um, during the past year, he's put in more claims than all our other clients

together.

Thank you very much.

Mr. Harris was the gentleman that called when I wet my carpet.

No, that was Mr. Jones. He handled your flooded carpet and sinking coal shed.

Mr. Langford dealt with your gas explosion, kitchen fire and sliding

And I called about your cracked pipe, shattered television set and smoking

refrigerator.

So far, the only thing you haven't claimed for is earthquake damage.

Well, let's keep our fingers crossed.

Have I spoken too soon? No, no, no.

Are you saying that all this was damaged in transit?

Oh, no, no, no, no. It was while we were moving.

It's heartbreaking, Mr Harris. I mean, it's taken us years to collect it. Yes,

years. And when I originally designed it, it was for open plan, for we hadn't

planned on it being quite as open as this.

Fortunately, I was gifted with a wonderful thing at the end of my arm.

I was born a carpenter, so therefore I go to my woodwork classes regularly

trying to replace everything.

This will certainly have to be replaced. Damaged during removals?

No, that was to my woodwork class.

Well, if you'd like to point out the things that you have made and those that

were smashed by accident, then I might be able to affect the amount of the

damages.

Yes.

I beg your pardon?

What are you claiming for?

Oh, well, in a nutshell, everything.

Plus one cabinet in the kitchen, which has slight problems.

To what are you alluring?

I was just remembering my last visit to your old house. When you opened the

kitchen door, part of the ceiling came down.

Oh, yes, but that was a very old house. You're quite safe here, Mr. Harry. Yes.

No,

no, no, no, no.

Not you.

I was talking to the dog.

Mind you, I wish he'd pink things up as quick as you do.

Little joke there.

Funny man.

He comes again.

That's the worst case of worms I've ever seen.

Can you tell just by looking at him?

Not the dog, the kitchen cabinet.

Now, Mr Spencer, your letter did say your furniture had been in excellent

condition. Yes, indeed, indeed.

Well, you only have to look at this tabletop.

It's covered with worms as well.

Do my ears deceive me? Do I need glasses?

Look, then you can see for yourself it's riddled with them.

Hardly riddled?

I mean, perhaps they are dart hole here and there.

Dart hole?

It's what Frank used to use the spare room for his darts practice.

By throwing him at the table?

No, he was aiming for the door.

I was aiming for the dart board.

Now, the letter also mentions several items of particular value.

Yes, indeed.

Then perhaps I could see them.

You already have.

Well, surely you didn't admit to see my Chippendale.

There we are. I'll bring an item over for you.

Mr Spencer, that is not Chippendale. Well, not one of his best efforts,

Maybe a little more Chip than Dale.

It's still a fine example.

I'm afraid none of this stuff would have lasted very long anyway. It's all of

inferior quality.

Inferior quality? That's good solid wood.

And how you could possibly value that table at 75 pounds, I just can't

Well, I'm willing to negotiate.

You care to step over here? I'm a man of the world. I mean, name your figure.

Well, I would say that 40 pounds would be a fair price.

Forty pounds.

Forty pounds?

Yes, all right then. Well, I think that, um...

40 pounds is a fair price for the table.

No, not for the table, for all of it.

All of it?

You must be joking in jest.

Where can I find this, all this kind of furniture for 40 pounds?

Then you're going to have a very busy time at your woodwork class, aren't you?

But what about 42?

Make it 42!

on the Spencer production line?

Yes.

Good God.

Right, gentlemen, be as quick as you can. We've got to lock up here in five

minutes.

Mr Spencer, I don't know what that is, but if it gets any bigger, you won't be

able to get it out that door.

It's going to be a Wendy house for my daughter.

but I had to put it aside for more prep and commitment.

What is that?

Oh, don't touch that.

It's very strong.

Super glue?

You've been using super glue?

After all the weeks you've been coming to my classes, I've been teaching you

carpentry and you end up using this? Well, I had to. It was a rushed job. It

needed at home.

It's not needed in my class. In future, do it properly.

You nearly had my skin off then.

I was practically stuck to my fingers.

Take it on with you before you do any more damage.

Good evening.

Good evening.

Are you sure you're all right?

I've just been overdoing it a bit, that's all.

Excuse me.

Can I be of some assistance?

It's my mother. She was feeling a bit giddy.

Ah.

Would you like a glass of water?

My woodwork room may still be open.

Oh, thank you very much.

Look, why don't you sit down here for a moment? The gentleman won't...

of my chair.

It's only for a moment.

You don't understand. It's still sticky.

Madam, could you please get up?

What the... Now, please, not in front of your mother.

I can't get it off.

It's all right.

Keep perfectly calm.

You're very lucky I was passing.

But what happened?

She stuck to my glue.

It's no good.

Excuse me, madam.

Would you please sit down?

I am sitting down.

But my chair isn't.

Don't touch that. It's very strong.

I'll see you in a minute. I can only deal with one case at a time.

Hurry up.

Our bus is just coming.

Well, you'll just have to wait, won't you? You can't leave your mother like

this. Well, I'm going to go get some help.

What's the trouble, ma 'am? She's stuck to the chair.

Look, if you come and take hold of the back, I can pull her from the front.

If you could lift your arms up, I'll put my head in there.

God, I had a mother of my own.

Okay, pull.

Pull.

Pull. Put some... I've got a better idea, man.

I should never have asked him.

What is this?

Don't touch that. That's very strong.

Now, madam, you hold on to him and push. We're going to hold the chair down, all

right? Yes.

Understand? I understand.

Good. I think I am a fool.

Hard. Okay, push on me.

Push hard. I'm stronger than I look. Go on, go. Harder.

Harder.

This isn't working. Come round the front.

You nearly had my kneecaps on.

You can rest now.

They're all yours, love.

Are you all together?

Of course we're all together. That's why we're here.

Well, if you'd just like to leave the lady.

I've been trying to leave her for the last half hour.

We're stuck.

We'd better call sister.

Mr. Wilton.

Mr. Wilton, what are you doing here?

I got stuck on the telephone.

anybody take notice of you.

Where's that nurse gone? I'm not squatting here all night.

Excuse me, could someone attend to my predicament?

How on earth did you get in that position?

I was waiting for a bus.

My bus.

And if you had been on time, this wouldn't have happened.

Don't you blame me, ma 'am. And stop stroking my hand. I'm a married man.

Stop stroking your hand. Gentlemen, please, will you keep your voices down?

There are sick people waiting.

I've had better days myself.

Have you tried washing?

I did not come here to be insulted.

Have you tried washing your hands?

Have you tried washing your hands in this position?

I meant, did anyone else try? Hot water can sometimes loosen it.

Somebody tried before the ambulance came, but it didn't do any good. Now,

tugging. You'll have your skin off. Just keep still.

Look, how long are we going to have to stay like this? Until the doctor comes

round.

You mean... He's unconscious?

Of course not.

Well, then tell him to pull his finger out.

I've paid my insurance stamps.

He's in the middle of treating a patient. You'll just have to wait your

Couldn't we go somewhere more private?

I think I'll join you.

Thank you, Sir George, for your help.

That was the third time I treated her in a month.

We get our regulars, I'm afraid.

At my previous hospital, we had a chap called Spencer, who came every week.

The last time was when he'd broken a finger trying to stuff a chicken.

This is at St Mary's? Yes, one of the reasons I was glad to leave. At least

their responsibility now.

Unless he's moved.

I couldn't be that unlucky.

Now you're here, perhaps you'll stop disturbing the other patients.

I don't think there's any need for that attitude. I've paid my insurance stamps.

I'm entitled to a first -class cubicle.

Name? Kool -Aid.

One at a time, please.

Look, how long are we going to stay stuck like this?

What is your name?

Frank Spencer.

Address? Oh, this is ridiculous.

I could be gasping my last puff.

And all you're doing is standing there asking me the details of my tombstone.

Will you tell me your address?

27 Sodbury Terrace.

This isn't the only hospital in town, you know.

In future, I may well consider taking my infirmaries elsewhere.

Date of birth?

July 1st.

Year of the ram.

1951.

What?

1951.

Time of arrival?

How should I know? I'd only just been born.

James wants to see you urgently.

Oh, where have they gone now?

She's gone to see the doctor.

I'll be glad of a glimpse of him myself.

I'm worried about my butt.

Never mind your butt. It'll still be there in the morning.

I know. That's what I'm worried about.

If they don't attend to us soon, I'm going to go and find the doctor myself.

I ought to phone the company.

That could be difficult.

I'd like to go to the ladies.

could be even more difficult.

Sorry to bother you, Sir George. We've just had rather an unusual case in.

Can't you handle it?

Well, I've never come across anything like this before.

It involves that new super glue.

Sister tells me that there are three people stuck together.

I'm just about to examine them now.

Oh, very well.

I'll come down with you.

Well, I've lost a few patients myself, but not before I'd even examined them.

They were here, sir.

Well, they can't have got far.

Did you get their names? Only one. A Mr Spencer.

Spencer?

No, it can't be the same man.

What was he like?

Irritating. It is the same man.

Is there anyone in here?

No, let's try in here then.

Go on in there.

to make an appointment.

And there was poor Daddy stuck to the chair and he didn't know what to do,

like Rodney the Rabbit when he had tea with a nasty, horrible beast. And we all

know who that was, don't we? Eh?

Do we know who it was?

I bet you think it was Mr. Lewis at the next door, but it wasn't. It was the

Wicked Wizard.

And he cast a spell so that Rodney was stuck to his chair and he couldn't leave

the table to wash his paws.

And Rodney had plenty to say about that. He said, Wizard, keep your carrots and

all that you've amassed.

Remove your spell.

Unglue my tail. I will not be harassed.

Daddy was harassed, wasn't he?

Yes. It was a nasty surprise.

But Daddy's got a nice surprise for Jessica.

I've got a nice surprise for you at my woodwork class.

Yes, it's a very big surprise.

Bigger than you thought.

It's bigger than Daddy thought, too.

That way a bit.

All right, try going over towards that side of the door. Henry, Henry, you're

my foot.

Mr Spencer!

Down, down.

It must be obvious to you by now that that contraption will not go through

door.

Well, I'd better start thinking.

I'm waiting, Mr Spencer.

Come on, fellas, put your thinking socks on. Mr Wilson's waiting for ideas.

I'm waiting to go through that door.

Kindly remove that thing.

What do you mean?

You mean you're leaving?

Of course I'm leaving. It's gone time.

But what about my Wendy house?

You'll just have to take it to pieces and start again, won't you? But I

my daughter I'd bring it home tonight.

She was going to sleep in it.

If it was any bigger, we could all sleep in it.

Here.

Take the keys.

Lock up when you go.

Give them to the caretaker.

Well, I did have one idea.

You took the door off.

That was my idea.

Don't think he'd help, though.

Mr. Wilson, we won't be needing these.

Matt!

Well, so much for our leader.

Times like this when you find out who your friends are.

No, no, no, come back. You big ruffian.

Come on, fellas.

Help me out. Think of some ideas.

Hey, Horace, are you on the verge?

Is there a little glimmer up there?

about you, Cyril? Have you just got one up?

Eh?

No.

Well, we've got... Wait a minute.

No, no. See, that's too complicated.

I've got to act simple.

What's all this, then? Good evening, Constable.

This lady wants to make a telephone call.

Oh. I won't be a moment. I mean, what's going on?

You can't start tying ropes around a telephone box. It's all right. I'm just

going to untie it now. I'm very sorry, madam.

I'll be out of your way right now.