Original subtitles

Where's the afternoon boat?

Search me, Skipper.

It's three hours overdue.

Who took it out?

Spencer. Spencer?

Well, he couldn't have lost the boat and 40 people between here and the lock.

Could he?

Give me a lift, someone.

Someone give me a lift.

Have another cup of tea.

the little job I left to do.

Hello? Dr.

Smedley? It's Mrs. Spencer.

Can I see you today?

Well, I did try to phone you yesterday, but Frank was here, and I'd rather he

didn't know.

Well, not until I'm sure.

Yes? Yes, that will be fine.

You going out?

Mm.

You feeling better, then?

Yes, much better.

Shouldn't you be working?

The captain sent me home.

It wasn't my fault. The tide went out before I was ready.

And then I met this mud bank.

Well, never mind. I expect you'll have better luck at the holiday camp.

I've been thinking a lot about that.

I bought this new chisel on my way home for my toolkit.

Thought I might do a few odd jobs around the house.

Plus, make a dummy.

A dummy?

For my new act.

Frank and Marvin.

Hello, Frank.

Didn't you hear what I was going on about before I come round to you?

There. Can you see my lips move?

No, Frank.

But I couldn't understand what you were saying.

You can't expect me to pick it up overnight.

Didn't you have any lunch?

Um, no, I felt a bit sick.

You were sick yesterday as well, weren't you?

And you're putting on weight, my girl.

You know what that is, don't you?

No. Do you?

Yes.

It's all them carrots you keep eating.

I'd better go now. I've got an appointment.

We'll have another check -up.

That's a very good idea.

You should see the dentist more often.

Especially if you're going to keep on eating all them carrots.

Frank, how are we off financially? I mean, if there was an emergency, would

be able to manage?

Well, it depends how long the emergency lasted.

Look, Betty, I know what's worrying you.

But you mustn't get upset.

No? No.

If you have to have all your teeth taken out, I'll get the money somewhere.

What shall I do first?

Hello, Frank.

What are you going to do with that?

More of them.

She's becoming a carrot addict.

So if she goes on like this, I shall have to send her to Dr Smedley.

No, there's no doubt at all, Mrs Spencer.

You're definitely pregnant.

I can hardly believe it myself.

Shall I tell Frank straight away?

Do you think it'll come as a surprise to him?

It's bound to. He thinks I'm at the dentist.

You'll have to tell him sooner or later.

But nobody can't tell me.

Now, there's nothing to worry about. It's just a question of taking things

getting plenty of rest. And I can always prescribe a tonic. Oh, thank you,

Doctor. Yes, that would help him a lot.

Not me.

You.

Now, tell me, are you still working?

Yes, just part -time.

I'm helping the welfare people.

I look after young children if their mothers are in hospital or the parents

can't cope.

So, you think I should tell Frank about the baby as soon as... possible, then.

Your husband does want a child, doesn't he? Of course he does.

It's just that he's been trying so hard.

So long.

And now that it's finally happened, well, I think it might come as a bit of

shock to him.

And he's lost his job as well.

So he's unemployed again.

Oh, no, no. He did apply for a job at a holiday camp a couple of weeks ago, and

they did say... they'd give him an interview if he was still interested.

Well, he ought to be all right. They always need plenty of cleaners.

Cleaners? No, he wants to be a camp playboy.

And he's doing a ventriloquist act.

Mind you, when he keeps his mouth closed, you can't understand what he's

about.

To be honest, I have a job to understand what he's talking about when he keeps

his mouth open.

How'd you get on?

Oh, um, all right.

Will you have to have anything taken out?

Sort of, yes.

What's the matter?

I lost my job, didn't I?

I'm sorry, Frank, I completely forgot.

Oh, that's nice.

There was going to be a surprise for you.

You know how the lid always jammed when you put your foot on the pedal?

adds to the value, doesn't it?

I just wish it was a bit bigger, that's all. Oh, it's quite big enough, Frank.

There's plenty of room for the two of us.

Plenty of room for three, really.

Three?

Could you come and sit down a minute?

of tiny little feet.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm not having another cat in this house.

I've had enough trouble with Cleopatra.

Last week, I caught her scratching a wallpaper over there, and when I told

to stop, she did a whoopsie in my bear eye.

you might have asked me first.

I thought you'd be pleased. That's all right, Betty, if you've made up your

mind.

I won't stand in your way.

Just that I don't like you doing things behind my back.

I suppose you get it from the welfare people.

I know you're not looking after other people's children, but this is

You'll bring it home, you'll look after it, you'll grow fond of it. You must

probably love it.

And then one day the mother comes back and she takes it home again.

And I don't want you getting upset.

I'm not talking about anyone else's, babe.

To Kettle.

and take him upstairs.

Give him a little lie down and I'll bring you up a nice carrot.

That's going to affect you, though, won't I?

Oh, look, don't you worry about that side of it.

You've got enough to do thinking about the future.

Oh, no. Oh, there will be a lot of expenses, Frank. Oh, no.

Do you still want to consider getting that job at the holiday camp?

I've got to now, haven't I, so anyone can get any money.

I've got to work overtime with Marvin.

When's he being delivered?

Not until the autumn. Well, that's all right, then, because the pool's starting

in September. That gives me another chance.

And as well, I can go and see Dr Smedley.

What for?

Well, he's my baby's doctor, isn't he? He'll expect me to put in an appearance.

Excuse me.

Is this the right place for the mothers are going to be?

Jones, it's your turn next.

Mr Spencer.

Would you just step inside a moment?

Certainly. I won't even a minute, ladies.

What are you doing here?

I wanted to ask you something.

You know perfectly well that my surgery hours are in the morning and the

evening. Wednesday afternoon is set aside for those who are pregnant.

Oh, no, that's why I'm here.

I thought I'd catch you while it was all fresh in your mind. Fresh in my mind?

Well, you know, that...

Can't I make you understand?

Wednesday afternoon is when I see the mothers.

Well, when do you see the fathers?

I don't.

Well, do you think that's fair?

Yes, Mr Spencer.

What do you

think? What do I think?

I'll tell you what I think.

My partner's away sick.

I am on call 24 hours a day, I have urgent cases to attend to, and you come

bursting in on me without an appointment at the wrong time just to show me a

cat's box.

That's my crib.

It's hardly big enough to take a sausage roll.

I know it's a bit small, but I ran out of wood.

If it was, I had to use the top of my toolbox to make the bottom.

Come here just to show me this.

No, but I thought you might be interested, seeing as you're handling my

I am a very busy man.

It's all right, though, isn't it?

Took me days to make.

No, it is not all right. It's completely unsuitable and downright dangerous. Get

rid of it. Now, will you please go?

Well, I wanted to ask you a question. All right, just one question and then

you'll go.

Yes. Sit down.

Now, you know that my wife is awaiting a happy event?

Yes. Yes, I do.

That was your question. No, no, no, no.

That was just a recap.

This is my question, my real question.

What's going to happen to her?

What's going to happen to her?

Well, I know I should have read some books on it and things, but I didn't

where to go.

Books, of course. I used to have some here, but, um... Ah, yes, this is...

this one's not quite suitable, but the only one I have at the moment, and it'll

give you an idea of what it's all about.

It's a standard sex education textbook.

Rosemary the rabbit?

I think you'll find that chapter three will explain the basic facts.

Rosemary the rabbit meets Bertie the bunny.

That's no good to me. There aren't any people in it.

to know is, is she going to carry on being sick and things all the time?

she may feel sick in the mornings, but there's nothing to worry about. She's

perfectly fit.

Thank you.

Now,

supposing that my baby's born immaturely, could

you give me a few simple hints?

Simple hints for what?

How to deliver him.

Answer. I really don't think you'd be capable of delivering a baby.

Well, I could make a medical check. Don't make anything.

And don't ever mention the idea to your wife. It's very important that she

doesn't have any sudden shocks.

Has she seen your crib yet?

Yes, I did show it to her.

But she didn't say very much.

That's why I wanted a second opinion. Well, don't take it too much to heart.

can't all be good at everything, can we?

Just a headrest gone.

I didn't use a big enough nail.

Still, it was only my first attempt.

Yes, quite so. Now, you must try not to worry too much about your wife. You've

got a lot to look forward to. I understand you're off to a holiday camp

Oh, she told you, did she? I had a telegram from the entertainment's

this morning.

Hey, have you heard about my speciality? Your speciality?

I'm operating Marvin with one hand from behind, and then I've got a glass of

water... Yes, I'm sure you'll do very well. Goodbye, Mr Spencer.

Say goodbye to Dr Smedley Marvin.

Goodbye, Dr Smedley.

Oh, Mr Lockwood, Ted can't make tonight's show.

He's just taken the children's club for cowboys and Indians.

Well, it'll be over by five, won't it? Well, not for him. It was his turn to be

General Custer.

One of the kids put an arrow through his leg.

That's all I need.

All right, you'll have to take over. It's half past six, all right? Oh, Mr

Lockwood, I can't.

I've got far too much on it.

I've got a bit of a rush, won't I? I've got five aside. Football is a quick job.

Roy, I've got no one else to do it. I'm three playboys short.

Oh, blimey.

I'm three playboys short as it is.

Four, including Ted.

God, what a week. One disaster after another.

Look, we'll have to just redo the whole roster, that's all. Mr Lockwood, the

lads aren't going to wear that. They're working far too hard.

Well, they're getting overtime, aren't they? I mean, see... Yes!

Mr Lockwood? Yes?

They said you'd be here.

Yeah, well, just hang on a minute, will you? I'll be with you in a moment. We

had twice as much staff at my last camp. They're all... I did 14 hours

yesterday. And next week's going to be worse. Jack's leaving on Monday. He

even have a lifeguard. But don't worry about next week. I've got something

coming for an audition. Well, I hope he's good.

Good morning.

How are you going to... I'll give you a moment, sir.

I tell jokes, do a speciality act, and I'm also a qualified swimmer, having

gained my certificate.

Well, I hope that's good enough for you. It sounds great. He can take the kids

for lessons in the pool.

I told him to be here by four. He must have got held up. Well, I'll ring the

main gate and see if he's waiting. What's his name?

Frank Spencer.

Right. How do you do?

How do you do? How do you do?

Keep an eye open for him when you're right. No, I'm here already.

I am he.

Who?

Mr Spencer, Frank.

I'm sorry I'm late, but I had to take Marvin to the hospital for a head

transplant.

What?

He's my dummy.

I stuck his new ears on yesterday, put him out to dry, and then I accidentally

backed the car over his head.

It's only a temporary setback. I'll be all right on a night.

You're a ventriloquist. Yes.

And your dummy's at the hospital.

No, just his head.

I do other things as well. I'm self -taught.

That's what I like to hear. Oh, I'd rather you didn't touch me, if you don't

mind. I'm fully loaded.

Loaded? It's my Vesuvius.

My grand finale.

Frank Spencer, the human volcano.

That's marvellous. Yeah, that's very, very... No, don't do that. Oh, no.

Would you like to hear another joke?

What did the kangaroo say to the Australian?

Why don't you show us your volcano?

No.

He didn't say that.

No, no, no. Show us your volcano.

No, I'd rather save my eruption until the end.

To the grand finale.

Good, good, good. And tell me, did you have a good look round the camp when you

arrived? I did indeed.

And did you notice the swimming pool?

Yes, indeed.

We always have a lifeguard.

Oh, nice.

Better to be safe, eh?

He also gives swimming instructions.

Oh, good.

Maybe I'll be out of time to pop along.

If you will, you'll be giving the lesson.

Well, I'm more of an entertainer, really.

But you are a qualified swimming instructor.

I wouldn't put it quite like that.

How would you put it, then?

I'm not a qualified swimming instructor.

Your letter says you've got a certificate.

It's desperate of 25 yards, breaststroke.

If you can teach him to swim 25 yards, it'll be something.

Well, I didn't quite make that.

My mother gave me a toe for the last 10 years.

But as it was my sixth attempt, the man said I could have the certificate

anyway. For perseverance.

Would you like me to get ready?

Yes, yes, yes, please do. Right.

I see you've brought your costume.

I beg your pardon? Well, the funny beret and the Humphrey Bogart raincoat.

I always wear this.

It's been passed down to me, Humphrey Bogart.

Come on, come on, come on. Don't take any notice of Roy.

Let's get down to business, shall we?

Right.

What did the kangaroo say to the Australian?

Yeah, well, don't let's waste too much time with the jokes, Frank. I just want

rough idea of what you can do.

Well, of course, there's my Vesuvius. Ah, yes, we can't wait to see that.

Then I tell the jokes and I do the singing.

And there's my speciality act, Frank and Marvin the Monkey.

Ventriloquist extraordinaire.

Would you allow me to get him out? Oh, please, by all means.

I'll go and get ready.

If you can find him a jacket, we might be able to slip him in tonight's show.

you think it's wide? Would you like to get me two stools, please?

Oh, yeah.

Right, bring that right in.

Poi, hoi.

Have you noticed, have you?

It was the Dole's Hospital's fault. They didn't have any spare heads.

There's a bit of a shortage on it. It's not like the old days when they had a

lot to go round. There used to be ten a penny.

But it was either this one or Donald Duck.

And I thought Donald Duck would look silly.

Now, this is for my grand finale.

I drink a glass of stout.

I was going to use water, but I thought this would add a bit of colour, be more

spectacular.

Could you help me get up here?

I might not want to sit on my fuse box.

Settle down.

Annie? Oh,

I'm sorry.

I'm very cross with you, Marvin.

Are you really, Frank?

Yes, I am.

I've a good mind to send you back to Africa.

No, please don't send me home.

come to see me? He saw you.

Have you seen his white trousers and his blue jacket and his

red nose?

He looks like a Union Jack.

Could you tell him to stop, please? Will you come down?

Marvin, stop it. Pull him off.

Now, don't you do that again.

What do you think?

Well, Frank, it's not bad, not bad at all. But what we really need, Frank, is

singer. Yes, we need a singer. I'll get ready.

Are you all right?

Yes, I'm fine. Just a little damp, that's all.

Now, if you could help me out, please.

Can you whistle?

Yes. Ah, but the whistling's on the top line there.

And it would be nice if you could play the piano for me. Yes, Frank, by all

means. You forgot your music.

Yeah. Now.

Could you stand close to me, please?

Not too close. Right.

Just a minute, please. I'll stick my thumb up when we're ready for you to

but we have to do a little dance first.

Right, you follow me?

I can't go too fast, because I'm a Vesuvius.

Put your left leg and left together, left together, point.

And right together, right together, point.

That's very good.

Have you seen my show before?

No. Well, now, are we ready?

We've asked. Now, go for the one.

Ready? One, two, now do that. Three, and keep together. One together, two

together, point.

And side together, side together, point.

Early one morning, just after sun is rising.

Frank!

Frank! Frank, Frank, Frank.

Frank, Frank, I've heard enough.

Frank, Frank, Frank.

It's just not on, is it?

Well, I know what you mean, but it'll be all right.

It's just that Roy came in a bit late.

It'll be all right after a bit of practice. Oh, no, Roy, it's...

It's the song, the way you sing it, your personality.

More personality.

No, no, no, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Frank, Frank,

you ever seen a real singer?

Yes, I have.

Roy, Roy, show him.

Right. Ladies and gentlemen, your favourite of mine, the Welshman himself,

Tom, Kiss Me Again.

Oh,

yeah, of course.

His style is a little different to mine.

rebellion for me.

You understand.

Frank, Frank, you do understand, don't you? Yes, I do. I mean, it's a movement.

You've got to have plenty of action.

Yes. I can't go too fast because of my mood.

At the back.

Just do what you can.

It's not all right. Roy!

We've got to have someone and the lad is keen.

Right, clap your hands, shall I? Help you with the rhythm.

Mr. Lockwood, could you give me that introduction bit because I like it.

All right, Roy.

Ladies and gentlemen, you've heard about him, you've talked about him, you have

read about him. Well, now, you are going to see him. The one, the only, Mr.

Frank, lock up your daughters, Spencer.

You could have had my eye out there.

All right. One, two, three.