Original subtitles

Come on Ray.

Come on. Eat it.

I'm fine.

Why are you suffering? You haven't had a suffering.

I'm sick. Come here. I feel sick.

Come on.

Eat it.

There's a train coming into the tunnel. I feel sick.

And the tunnel, that's sick.

Excuse me, can I have a mug of tea?

Eight mugs of tea, please.

Oh, it's marmalade.

The good God.

You will not be eaten for three days.

What do I say about those sausages?

Will you shut up?

You've heard your references. You'll arrive here at the base of the river

you have to find three cunningly concealed canoes.

Then you'll travel upriver five, six hours where you'll be met on the grid

reference, as you've been given again, by a big gym at Camp Base Alpha.

It's week four in the good guys' retraining and the team are preparing to

part in a gruelling exercise to live off the land.

Is that clear?

Start.

It's where you do adventure -y things and you eat rabbits and squirrels and

things like that.

So it should be interesting.

Get going! You're on your way!

Run!

Oh,

hello.

Hello there.

Thank you very much. Beach finds the canoes with surprising ease.

If this is what they call concealment, I think it's them that need the

retraining, Niles, don't you?

Yes, sir. You tie up, Ray.

Looks smart. A lovely day for it.

Sir. Sir, I've got these robbery things, sir.

Ah.

Location devices. That's what we need.

Captain on deck. There are 142 men on this ship. Last night I was proud of

141 of you.

Very good, sir. I thought you were in. Look, Noel Coward, I thought you were in

when you served.

That's too tight, right?

Now, come on, none of this is any good. Look, the back... What's this?

Here? It's all... There we go.

That's the way to do it. Follow me, man?

Definitely. You know, I hardly believe they call this concealed.

On a sheet of tarpaulin, a few twigs, leaves, something, anything would have

done, wouldn't it?

See, they just haven't made the effort.

Unfortunately,

they've taken the wrong peruse.

This sun cream, pass it round, it's important.

The bones, for goodness sake, I need that for my nose.

Oh, God.

I'll try and get it. Well, get it out. I'll try, I'm trying to get it. It's

sunk, sir. Keep the bones together.

It's gone, sir.

We're going for a pub lunch.

Sorry, sir.

Sir, stay here.

Stay here, that's an order.

Sir, these rations are perfectly acceptable, I think.

I feel worse.

Do you smell the sewage?

You alright?

Thank you, sir. Pleasure.

Cheers. I trust you've all eaten your rations?

We're in the process of, sir.

Quite nice here, isn't it?

Sorry,

but by this, looking at this, we've been going five kilometres now the wrong

way. No, we should be turning right. We've got to be heading down that way.

Sir, if you look at the position of the sun this time of day, north is to the

left. Don't look at the sun, can I?

Not with my nose.

Don't look at them anyone.

Eyes front everyone.

Don't give them the satisfaction.

Listen boys, please just go home.

Oi, why don't you go home, mister?

If I give you some money, will you go home?

No, I don't need it.

Hey, look.

Just steer the boat, won't you?

Don't encourage him, guys.

Don't even think you're fine with an artist, all right?

Eyes forward.

It just goes to prove that Ray and I wouldn't ask our men to do anything that

wouldn't do ourselves.

Put us all in danger there.

It could have been awful.

But next time, when you start filming again, Ray and I will be in the boat

because it's going to make better television for you if, you know, we're

actually the senior officers of leading in the canoes. Get them over here now.

Right, can we... Someone over here, please. Take Sir in the boat.

We're trying to get over there, Ray.

Dissolve! Get here! Now!

Sorry, sir, we can't fight the current. We can't seem to get close to the shore.

Get your bloody boat here!

Listen, I'm holding you strings. Come back here now.

No, the current's on.

Just row!

Listen, sit down and I'll dry you off again.

Look, if you soak him wet, we'll get pneumonia.

Come back!

Decide!

You bastard!

is convinced the team is lost.

It's definitely water, sir. Not necessarily rain.

On some maps it could be glaciers.

It could be glacial.

I think we're here. What do you think our position is at the moment?

Judging by the sun, sir, I'd say we're really close at the moment.

Are we going to share the jet?

Sir, Bill's done a forward wreck.

Found the sign, sir.

Oh, yeah.

You know, man management has some of its comical signs.

You'll see what I mean. Gary, why are you wearing that ridiculous wig and the

glasses and rings?

What's going on?

Well, I'm undercover.

Take it off.

No, but I'm undercover.

Off the lot.

Okay.

And the ring.

Doesn't that look better?

So what we're going to do, Ray, if you can organise this, take something from

each of the other vets and make up a kit for ourselves.

Welcome!

Hello! Welcome to Camp Alpha.

How do you do?

Nice to meet you, Vanessa.

Hello there.

Very appropriately dressed.

Well, we try our best.

Will we be meeting Jim? You're going to come up and meet my husband, Jim. Big

Jim? The one and only.

And I can see that congratulations are in order. Sorry?

Oh, yeah. The patter of tiny feet are imminent.

Sitting very high, you could probably be a boy.

Do you have an innie or an outie at the moment?

Oh, a what? Sorry?

The belly button, is it?

Um, um, it's an innie. Well,

we follow you. OK, come this way.

Punch?

Yes. Go and start packing, you two.

I've done that already.

Put everything in a heap and follow us.

The team are introduced to court instructor Jim Appleby, a legend in the

survivalist community.

Strange, can you leave a little gap for the camera? Coming this way.

Lend me your ears.

Well, Big Jim is meant to be teaching us how to live off the land, and I'm sure

he's doing a good job.

The only problem is none of us can really understand what he's talking

He kind of mumbles.

Can you understand what he's talking about?

We can't.

This country needs an enigma.

That is what is required. That's the right word.

And I've come here to take part. This is a mission, a mission that I have.

I'm going to start here and I'm going to finish and the whole thing is going to

change.

Survival.

May I, Jim? I think I can take it from here.

Actually, it's not an enanima, it's an enema.

I just think that was bloody rude. That was.

It was. Shut up.

I'm going to teach you men how to survive.

in very, very poor conditions.

You're going to be cold.

You're going to be hungry.

You'll have no shelter.

What do you want?

Would it be all right if we went to the loo before we went?

No?

See, the important thing about these three, four days that we're here at Camp

Alpha is to get the training that we need to pass, to get to the level that

need, the pass level for our instructor.

I must stress that this is not a romp in the country that we're going through

this week. It's not tumbling into haystacks with chocolate bars.

There's nothing romantic about it at all.

We may have good accommodation, of course, possibly luxury accommodation by

people's standards, but we're here to endure some suffering as well.

But I'm confident that we're going to do well. No pain, no gain, as they say.

Is that right? That's certainly right.

I hope it makes good view.

Three hours in, and Beach is keen to settle in, take a bath and have his

afternoon tea.

Presumably I'll have my own room. Could you just leave the stuff alone?

I said presumably I'll have my own room with en suite facilities. The men will

double up, of course.

Shall we... It'd be nice if we may retire just for a short while, Jim, if

Do what?

Will he stay in his room?

He'll be staying outside.

Outside? So there are rooms outside? We are a bit organised.

Just leave it to us. We'll sort it out. He'll be staying outside.

He has a healthy interest in military history. That's all.

That's all it is.

I have an interest in J. Edgar Hoover. He's got Hitler, I've got Hoover.

Hitler,

Hoover. Everybody's got to have a hobby.

Hitler's hardly Hoover.

Gary, you're being oversensitive, you know that. Look, I don't think you

understand my point. I feel not welcomed. I feel threatened. Do you know

mean? I feel intimidated.

The point is, you're reading far too much. You're reading things into this

aren't actually there, Gary. Now, chill out.

I tell you what, Garb, I feel like a sitting duck sitting out here in the

of this field knowing that that mad racist psycho nutter is not too far

Now, you're being accusatory now.

He's none of those things, I'm sure.

It says here, Big Jim tells it as it is.

White news.

No, no, no. Listen to this one. At last, the truth about Negroid. As

it should be.

Aryan nation.

You can't and you shouldn't judge a book by its cover.

You really shouldn't. Look at that.

You are being oversensitive about this. I'm trying to be rational about this. He

cannot possibly be a racist. He's an ex -policeman, for goodness sake.

If you want me to go and have a word with him about his politics as one

to another, I'll quite happily do it. Would that make you happy?

Well, you know, it might be a start. Right, I'll sort this out. Sergeant Nash

will go on.

We'll go and sort this out now, Ray. Come on.

You stay there.

Of course, typically the shoulders of authority bearing the responsibility.

I have to sort things out as usual.

Sorry, we come in peace. We come in peace.

We want to see the register.

Beyond the register.

Thanks, Jim. May I have a little word?

On security.

Highly recommended, of course. He don't like black people.

Black horses, but not black people.

If, for instance, I was to ask you what your politics were, would you say, oh,

right down the middle, or left, centre, or right, or far right?

Do you like dogs?

He frightens me, gives me the creeps, do you know what I mean?

He talks sort of, like, low.

Do you like dogs? Yes, yes I do.

Very much.

Do you like animals, boy?

Oh, I love them. Oh, I'm really good.

Come to my barn.

Bing!

Bing!

Bing, Bing!

Well, I'm not going to disturb them, because Jim is obviously showing Ray a

survival technique.

It's a bracing.

The air.

It's a pleasure to get out of the city.

What happened, Rex?

I haven't talked about it. All right, now, come on, let's turn this off now,

please, if you don't mind. I'll be all right.

If I just... That's it. I'll walk around for a minute. I'll be all right. No,

come on, privacy, please.

Oh, sorry, sorry, mate.

Is it OK?

Yeah, the pain's going through. All right, what do you say?

Is he going to see him, Gav? Yes, we did, Gary. What do you say? You can't

anything at all... You all right, mate? Yes. You can't have anything at all

to... Guys, please, you don't have to film all the time. Well, why not? Why

can't... What did he say?

You can just take it away.

Thank you, Mark.

He is not a bigot or a racist.

He's a man, as we've said before, with an interest in military history, and

as simple as that. Why did you come to that conclusion? Did he tell you?

With the greatest respect, Gary... I'm beginning to feel oppressed. Shush!

People like you would be offended at the black and white minstrels. Yeah.

Oh, you should like that.

Remember that one when they were singing in the snow slag? Classic

entertainment.

Oh, God.

And what's wrong with that? Where's the harm in that?

You see, and the wonderful thing about this particular beetle, the lily beetle,

is that you never find them so far down south, because these ones can survive.

Eat a bit tasty with that knife, Ray.

Like Richard Widmark in The Alamo.

Oh, no.

The future for us.

I've seen the good things.

But I've also seen the... I've seen the horror.

And the hate.

The horror.

I can see these things are gonna happen to us.

Unless we move forward now.

Strike it out.

Now's the chance for us.

The chance to take over.

Control our destiny.

Clear the dead wood.

Oh, what a

beautiful morning.

I've got a beautiful feeling.

Everything's going my way.

Everything's going my way.

Ray, if you build it.

Good guys, teens.

Shit!

Yes, okay.

Eyes front, everybody.

Look this way.

Officer on parade. How do we address the officer on parade, Gary?

Gov. No, not gov.

Sir. Sir, right.

The only way we're going to get through this with any degree of sanity is to

have odd discipline.

Yes, I thought we've all seen a tank before.

Yes, it's a tank.

Come on, this way. Look this way.

We can have discipline all week.

I've noticed in some of these guide roads, for example... Look out!

Get out of the way!

What are you doing?

Jesus Christ! What do you think you're playing at?

That's disgusting!

Look what you've done!

Who do you think you are?

Shut up.

Jim, where do you think we're going to sleep tonight?

Nobody's going to sleep tonight.

There's going to be a hobbling.

Hobbling, it's... No, I've seen it in a crossword.

It's a barbecue. It's a colloquial word for a barbecue.

Today, we're going on an exercise.

And the fugitive is going to be one of you, the man we are chasing.

I want you to imagine that this is a godless...

A hopeless individual.

A man who's never seen the inside of a church.

Who would think nothing of robbing, pillaging, taking your belongings.

The perpetrator is going to be you.

You've got ten minutes.

Good morning, boy.

That's a surprise.

Good luck, Gary.

See you later.

See you later, guys.

I'd run if I was you, Gary.

Gary avoided the tank for a further six hours and having gained top marks Return

to the team.

Well, it's a classic case of pros and cons, and for's and against, but

we haven't got anywhere to stay, sleep for the night, but we're going to get in

the points.

That's what matters, and the exercise is really going well.

Isn't it, Ray?

Oh, yeah, yes.

Very well said, indeed.

It's starting to rain now.

Ray, will you keep still? I can't stop shivering, so I'm sorry. I'm trying to

relax. And move over.

It's just a big lump of boulder in my back.

The Aborigines used to do this with antelope horn in southern Australia, and

they used to have a string. They called it catgut, but it isn't. It's the

intestine of a cattle.

And they make a bow, and they pull the string backwards and forwards in a cello

motion.

No, it's just a fire.

Listen, you guys don't have any matches on you, do you?

Can we get one match between us?

Or a lighter?

If he's going to get that to light, he's got to do it a lot faster. He's got to

do it much faster.

Come on, Ray. He'll never, ever take it. If you feel there, it's getting warm.

It's getting warm.

It's also getting dark, Ray, so come on. I'll get it going in the rhythm, Sarge.

No, but I'm worried about getting dirt in my blisters.

No, I know that's okay. So what we have here is a situation where we've got no

fire.

It's cold. The night is drawing in.

But these situations, it's meant to be like this. It's here to test our metal.

Draw in for a bit of bodily warmth, everyone.

Gov. Gov.

What's up?

Gov, look over there. Gov, look.

Somebody's got a light.

Gov, call me paranoid, but is that what I think it is?

I'm not being funny, sir, but that does look like a cross. A burning cross. It's

not a burning cross. It's a barbecue.

Or a hobbling, as they say in these parts. I don't know about that.

It's supposed to be a burning cross.

Bill, it's not a burning cross. It's a barbecue, and we're going. Come on.

Get a burger. You've got to be joking, now. Come on, you'll be all right. It's

not a welcoming party. Oh, come on.

What's a tandoor?

It's a long while since I've had a barbecue.

Oh,

chicken. A bit of tandoor with chicken. What's happening, sir?

It looks very dodgy, sir. You should come and have a look. It looks dodgy.

looking at, sir.

It is. It's only a barbecue, for goodness sake. Let me sort this out.

Come on, follow me, man.

All right.

Take your eggs down.

Take your eggs down. Mind the pramble.

Mind the pramble.

We are the girls of one mind.

It does not look like a barbecue to me, sir.

I told you it was dodgy, sir.

It looks like a nativity play.

Wait, light off.

Off.

Oh, my God, it's the pig.

The pig that bit me up the arse in the barn yesterday.

Sir.

Gary, you should have said something about this earlier on.

Because it's nonsense. I'm going to sort this out. You can put that light back

on now if you want.

I'm going to put a stop to all this.

Beware of the pig.

Beware of the pig. Careful, careful.

An hour later.

And Beach has not returned.

The team prepare to beat a hasty retreat.

You bastard!

You bastard!

What do you think me for?

You bunch of cowards!

Why do I have to do everything by myself?

Hey! You make me sick!

Come, let's just get out. Come on.

You know what I've just been through?

I've been nearly killed, Ray!

You killed me!

A lot of them. Okay, calm.

Calm, everybody.

Calm for a second.

Nassar, you've had military training. Come on, suggestions.

Let's form a plan. A clear plan.

What?

Dogs. Dogs. Dogs.

Bloodhounds.

Bloodhounds. Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

I'm not working out because it's a 24 -hour cot and you're too stupid.

That's why.

Oh,

shut up!

I've nearly been killed tonight.

Right, let's work every car and work out exactly where we are and see when we've

got some transport, when some transport might arrive.

I can't believe that you're arresting me for borrowing a couple of canoes.

Just get into the car. Don't manhandle me.

It's all right, it's all right. There's a 31 coming in about 20 minutes, sir.

We'll follow up behind.

It's all right.

It will be all right, won't it? Yeah. Maybe along soon.

Next week, the good guys prepare for a joint police operation in Bain.