Original subtitles

Look, he's dead!

He's dead.

Thank you, gentlemen. A round of applause, please.

Nobody move. Everybody stay exactly as they are.

The first thing we must do is to ascertain the cause of death.

Theories, any theories, gentlemen? Please.

Please, gentlemen. Sir, I think the axe may have something to do with it. Aha!

The axe may have something to do with it indeed.

that things are not always as they first appear. For example, this door is

locked... The door is locked from the inside, therefore the assailant must

entered from this window here.

Not necessarily so, sir, because if the door was locked from the inside, how

could we have got in here?

Also, sir, there's a door here, look. It's open, isn't it?

The good God.

It's week three in the retraining programme and the team are mobilised for

simulated forensic exercise.

Right, we're here today on a training exercise for forensics.

This shot has been broken into today, it's been a minor burglary, but we are

going to treat it as a murder.

I want you to go through every inch of this shot.

Now be careful because there's an old girl in there who's had a bit of a shock

with a burglary and she's got a description of the assailant.

What's this all for?

I was told full dress, sir.

Full battle dress? I told everybody to be dressed. And why did you inform them

to dress like this? Are they going to be attacked by a jelly cock?

I can take it off, sir.

No, no, you leave it on now, you're going to sweat, you've got someone to

Right, as you go forward... You make me feel very uncomfortable. Can you stand

over there?

Is that to keep it in or to let it out?

Marilyn.

Come out here.

Just stand over here.

Stand over here.

Turn your head to the side, whatever you've got to do, but just try and act

a policeman.

Please.

Remember, Smegs, speedy methodical efficiency guarantees success. OK, we

we've all done this before.

Desard, get your team through a perimeter round here.

Strings, you're in charge of interviews. Mark, fingerprints, and be sparing with

the dust.

I know. It's for kids. It's kiddie stuff. I know. It's all done this

It's for kids, right? I know. Cola cubes!

Wow! You've never these?

God! These are cute.

Find the curly wordies.

I'm going to have one of these milk tea. Look for curly wordies.

They're not proper aniseed balls because aniseed balls are all red.

So it's Gladys, isn't it?

Yes. Mm -hmm.

Gladys, right.

Um, I'll show you that in a minute.

Do you mind if I take my helmet off?

Oh, you're supposed to.

Not really, but I feel a bit of a tit in it, to be honest with you.

I'm not really a uniform kind of guy, normally.

I'm under colour, but it's an exercise.

I've had to get back in uniform, but that's the only thing I've got. I

we were supposed to be talking about the burglary.

I'm trying to put you at ease, OK?

As part of our training is to make the victim, which you are, feel at ease. So

I'm just trying to, you know...

Talk about something else for a minute. It's OK.

Oh, all right.

I should be careful with these, because I suffer from terrible IBS.

Irritable bowel syndrome.

Oh, I've heard of that.

Bessard finds the first clue.

It's a shattered, small window, shattered, just over the toilet.

That's the glass, isn't it? There's some tea. I see some bread on there. Lovely.

Perfect. Do you want one? Do you want that? Yeah. Stick it under there.

A little bit.

That's all right.

That's all right. Thank you.

Missions!

What we got here?

What have you been hiding here?

Handbags. I love them.

These are fabulous.

Look at that.

Whatever you do, don't touch the handbags. I found a dead mouse in there

week.

There you go, young man.

Hand me six pence, please.

Six old pence. Six D, that was.

Six old pence. Two and a half P.

Nothing. We're just pretending.

Show him.

I fly around the universe. I think we really should be getting on with the

Steve Zodiac. I think you're eating too much chocolate. It's giving you a sugar

high, sir. It's not giving me a sugar high. I'm fine. I think it is.

Thanks.

I've found a small amount of hair.

Next to the blood in the toilet. I think it's from the perpetrator.

I'm getting awkward. Can you sit down with me, Jim?

That's it.

I'll take that. Thank you very much.

Right, shall we go and log it in then, sir?

Yeah, in a minute. There is nothing, nothing quite like a Mars bar, is there?

Except the Milky Way.

The fun Milky Way's right.

Only the crumbliest, flakiest chocolate tastes like

chocolate never tasted before.

Sit out this flame.

What have I got there? It's a rum bell.

What are we doing?

What are you doing? What's he doing?

I'm looking for creamy truffle, sir. Well, don't.

Calm down. You're supposed to be doing work.

You're supposed to be fingerprinting. Come on. Come on. This way, sir.

Ray! Penny shrimps!

Is it Ray?

No.

Oh, mate.

You're bigger than this.

No, what we're seeing here is straightforward, basic forensic police

There's nothing mysterious about it. In the modern police force, it's what we do

all the time. Mark, just in all the bottles, just get fingerprints.

By process of elimination, we will find the culprit that perpetrated this crime.

Quite simple.

Quite straightforward.

There's nothing to shake with this bottle. These are originals.

Is this real?

Original. Black current history.

Fingerprints have been found.

Unfortunately, D .I. Beach forgot to wear gloves.

Look at this.

It's a bloody mess, isn't it? There's powder everywhere here. It just needs a

thin film of powder to identify prints. Not all this mess.

You're asking me to dust everywhere, sir. It's like a tarse boudoir in here.

Having said that, sir, there are some unknown prints over there, sir. All

OK, now we're getting somewhere.

These prints, as Mark has pointed out, can be no other, because if you look at

forensics, the more that you have of one thing, a lot more of one thing than

something else, then the easier it is to pinpoint the culprit's prints. And here

we have what I determine to be the fingerprints of the burglar,

without exception.

Without question.

Well, um, Duchess has got a point, actually, sir. She has said that the

wore gloves.

Ray, can we, can we get, uh, clear everybody and everything, please? I just

need... Can we clear everybody out of here, please?

Come on, Mark, will you clear, please?

Well, it's absolutely apparent, to me, anyway, that the, uh, the fingerprint

evidence is not conclusive for us, so we have to...

realised that there's more than one way to skin a cat, so can I have some ideas,

gentlemen, please? Quick.

Shot.

No? All right, what do we have here?

Let's have a look. What have we got?

We've got hair and we've got a piece of glass with blood on it. Now, what does

that tell us?

Evidence. All right, what evidence?

But it means someone's cut the head, doesn't it?

Hair, glass, blood on it. Head cut.

Head wound.

So what do we do about that? What do people do who cut their head?

They go to hospital, don't they?

To have it thrown up.

So why don't we go to hospital and... ..and arrest anybody who,

in the last 24 hours, has been admitted with a cut on their head?

Well, go on, then!

What? Come on, Mark. Go on!

Come on.

And you!

Yeah, come on.

Come on, everyone.

Richard?

I think that's a cut, isn't it?

Gentlemen, please.

Go on, then.

Just follow along, everyone.

Top, top.

Over on the grass there.

Mind your heads.

Over there on the grass.

I'm delighted to report that we have our chief suspect now, who has a small cut

on his hand, but the main piece of evidence was a quarter of cola cubes

that he had secreted about his person.

All we've got to do now is get a positive ID from the old lady.

Gladys. And Pop's her uncle.

She's adamant she don't want to do the ID parade. What is her problem in life?

She's frightened, sir. She's frightened that the perpetrator might recognise

her. Jesus Christ, she's beginning to get on my bloody nerves. No, that isn't

fair enough. She's a nice old girl.

We've got nothing in here. We've got no facilities. We need a room with a two

-way mirror.

Surely that's not beyond the wit of Matt to find something to... You know what?

Leave it like that.

I'm going to sort something out for you, sir. Please do. You'll be proud of me.

Desire, can you bring the suspect in, please? Thank you.

Come on, Ed, in you go.

Open the quiet bed, Bill.

Right, take your time. Gladys, can you see the suspect?

Yeah, yeah, I can see him.

Right, suspect, can you see Mrs Epps?

No.

Right, Gladys, where are you going?

It's not him.

He was taller.

Just start the toilet, please. Sorry, sir. Yeah, absolutely.

Can't get no white, sir.

But it's not him.

Take a minute.

Take a minute, sir.

Sorry, sir.

Please go.

Do you want to resolve this crime or not?

Well, don't just sit there, thing. It's not him.

But how can you be sure?

Well, I adore him.

All right, then.

Describe me.

Tall, fat, with mousy hair.

You can see what I'm up against.

Everyone knows I'm actually blonde.

You know, you can't rely on visual.

Identification is conclusive evidence. It's ridiculous, especially when it

from old people.

With all due respect to the old woman, Gladys, I'd be surprised if she could

remember what she had for breakfast.

There must be something wrong with her eyes, Ray. She must be bloody blind.

Mate, you're right. I'm not forgetting this.

She went and said, I was born.

Well, 10 % of the time they're right, Ray.

That's not very nice of you to say.

This is where the decisions are made.

This is where we find our culprit.

I don't know who it is.

So if I can have the hair from the suspect.

That was rather enthusiastically.

Mr. Thompson.

Very good.

And the blood from the suspect.

I hope you're getting a cup of tea and a biscuit after that.

And if I can have the hair from the scene of the crime.

That little bit there in the corner.

And what about the glass with the blood on it?

It's nether.

It's in the bottle, is it? Yeah, I thought I'd keep it wet.

Can we switch that off for a second? Before we carry on.

Yes,

I admit it, we've had a slight hitch, or a complete mess -up then, with

forensics. But I want you to see something here.

I'd like you to look at this charming individual here, if we can get a close

on this lovely man, who is technically innocent.

But I'll tell you something.

We're not going to be looking for anyone else.

LAUGHTER What I'm going to do is rekindle the men's interest in forensics

a rather theatrical way.

I'm taking them all away on a murder mystery weekend in an old manor house,

costume, with actors, to see how forensics actually operated in the olden

And I think it'd be a good idea if you came along and had a look at this, cos

it'd be rather televisual. It'd be good for the viewers.

DI Beach has written a script for the Murder Mystery Weekend and everyone has

part to play.

May I, Hans?

Please be my guest.

I see that your hole's empty, sir. Would you like me to fill it for you? Please

do. I can do with a good rough shag.

Would you like some... Sorry, sir.

Strings takes his role seriously.

Mr Holmes.

Checkmate to me, I fear Moriarty.

The game's not over yet, Holmes.

It's the final whistle for you, Moriarty. I'm afraid your goose is

Getting closer by the minute, Watson.

May I, Holmes?

Please be my guest.

I deduce from this that your big white eyebrows... I'll do

it, sorry. You'll not get me to sing for my supper.

It'll be just porridge for you, Moriarty.

But I'm the greatest living master criminal.

Yeah, nothing but 30 minutes before we'll take him away.

Rest it.

Getting closer by the minute, Watson.

May I, Holmes?

Please, be my guest.

Hmm. I see that your hole's empty, sir. Would you like me to fill it for you?

Yes, I could do with a good rough shag.

Ready, Robert?

Please, fill it up.

Would you like a loose fill, sir, or would you like me to stuff it in hard

you?

You're making these lines up now, Ray, aren't you? No, no, I'm not. You are.

Well, it wasn't in the script.

Well, you do know.

He's in the scene. He's not.

He is in the scene. He's not, sir. I beg your pardon, he's not.

I'm sorry, who wrote this?

You wrote it. I wrote it, yes. Well, I've read it, and I know it well, and

not in this scene. Well, you haven't read it recently, have you?

What do you mean? Quite clearly you haven't read it recently, otherwise

know that Mark Catanova is in this scene with us.

Well, you might have written it, but, I mean, since when is Casanova waiting

around with Sherlock Holmes? Well, you're right, he did the original story,

that's not... This is my adaptation of it. I don't want you to argue about it.

I'll just go upstairs and get charged. No, say what you are.

We're not arguing about it. We're just going to get on with the scene now,

please. Look, when you play dead, you're still... Well, you're not still.

Dead people are dead. They don't move.

There's no two ways of playing dead, is there? Well, there are certain schools

of thought that would beg to dittle with you on that.

How do you cut?

Back, demon, seed, vampire.

Back.

Hope.

Lovely child.

I'm trying to help you get the best out of your part. When you're dead, you

don't move.

End of story. Stop. Full stop.

About the image, the quality of stillness.

It's not quite dead.

Ridiculous.

This is the vampire's lair. Desire.

One of your props, I believe. Thank you, sir.

I like the lighting.

Yeah. Very good. Let's have another look. See where the undead live.

Ladies,

how do you do?

Getting into the old vampire.

It's quite splendid.

Splendid. Carry on.

Right?

Sergeant Ash has been told to bring this thard into line.

Hello, Ray. All right, what's up?

Yep.

I want to have a little word with you about the overall attitude

towards this weekend.

Yeah? What, now?

Yeah, but can we... What's that in the water?

Oh, my God, look... Can we take the camera outside? Can we...

This is a very special weekend for the government.

I just don't think you're pulling your weight, mate.

Yeah, but it's just like I wear that poxy wig.

You know, we've all got the fringe down.

And you're not.

What are you doing? You're frolicking in the pool with some young girls.

You shouldn't even be here.

De Sade, don't turn your back on me.

But he could have given me a bit more slack.

really. I mean, you know, I could have gone the whole way and laid on the

for example, but he made me stay on the table.

It's just not showing my full range.

This is how I would stand, naturally.

Well, Watson wouldn't stand like that, would he? He's a military chap. He'd

his hands behind his back.

Or smart.

If you get the physicality right, the voice will follow.

Naturally. It's what all actors find.

So if you do the walk first, remember that he's a military bearing, so he's

erect. No, no, no, spot properly.

Let your hands go.

Now, come back, come back. I mean, I have had reviews about my corpses.

I have played bodies up in that country.

Now, Watson, what does one deduce from this piece of evidence here?

Well, Holmes, I would say this is a creeper of the... No, lower, lower,

end. Yep.

Getting warm?

Warm. Still can't see anything. Warm up.

What, the footprint? The footprint, aha!

Oh, the footprint.

That's right. Now, what does the footprint tell us?

Every footprint tells a story.

Don't be so bold, sir. Go ahead, Watson.

What I introduce that we have here is a sports shoe of the Adidas variety.

Adidas.

No, it says.

How do we know it's Adidas?

How do we know it's Adidas?

It says it, so it's... Aha!

Now, what I deduce from this, Watson, is... By Jove, yes, it is. It's a middle

-aged man who is not used to wearing a sporting footwear. He's caught on fire,

sir. I'm going to put his... Oh, no, no. You've ruined all the evidence now.

There's footprints all over. We know who the footprints are, don't we?

Couldn't they just burn, sir, couldn't we? That was going really well.

For a change.

He's stamped all over it.

It's only a matter of running upstairs and getting your trainer and putting it

there again. No, it's not a matter of running upstairs and getting an old

trainer and putting it there. That was real then.

We had something really good going. It was on fire, sir. You've ruined it, the

pair of you.

You make me sick. The building would have caught on fire, sir.

Things are not going well.

People are confused with Beach's script.

So clearly nobody's understood the concept at all. Well, none of the

was given.

I'm bringing to... I'm trying... Yeah. ..to bring together characters from

British literature... Great characters from... And French.

..British and French literature together in a situation that you wouldn't

normally find them in. Sort of three musketeers... Yeah, exactly.

So you get the juxtaposition of the characters coming together... Fine. ..at

once. Yeah.

Mr Holmes.

The game's not over yet.

The game's not over yet.

It's your Moriarty? Yeah.

Dr Moriarty. Mr Holmes.

Checkmate to me, I fear. No, this is wrong.

Unfortunately, roles are being reversed.

Let's get rich. Come on.

Dr Moriarty. Mr Holmes.

Checkmate to me, I fear.

The game's not over yet, Holmes.

It's the final whistle for you, Moriarty.

You're not getting me... No, I think I said... You're coming in over my line.

You're Moriarty.

I'm Moriarty. Just relax.

Now you stop.

Dr Moriarty. Mr Holmes.

No, that was right, sir. Was it?

That's me. That's me. It's my fault.

I'll tell you what was my fault that time.

OK, let's start again.

Ready? Are we still rolling?

Yep. OK.

Dr Moriarty. Mr Holmes.

Checkmate to me, I fear, Moriarty. The game's not up yet, Holmes.

It's the final whistle, Moriarty.

Your goose is cooked. You'll not get me to sing for my supper. It'll be just

porridge for you, Moriarty. But I'm the greatest living master criminal. You're

nothing but a pathetic, demented fool.

Take him away!

Right, off you go. No, not me, Ray.

Him. Come on, Casanova. No, but I thought... He should take him away.

He's the criminal, not me.

Why would he take me away?

You know those two actors, the one that played the Chinaman and the one that

played Ben Gunn?

Yes. They're not coming.

It's something to do with equity and the camera and... I don't really... Ray,

you've had two weeks. Two weeks to sort this out.

I want replacements straight away for these people.

I can't. It wasn't my fault. I can't even look you in the face because I'm so

furious with telling you.

I'm sorry.

It's all a joke.

Now.

What's he for? Let's see. This is the gardener.

Oi!

What have you come as?

What do you look like?

Eh?

Well, I'm... I don't know where I'm supposed to be. The gardener or...

Or a butler, sir. You're supposed to be both, but not at the same time.

Bart and Ash have gone back to the professional actors, but they still

take part.

I offered them more money, and they just flatly refused it and said they'd taken

it up with their union.

So we're up a gum tree.

Sorry. No, no, don't be sorry.

Remember, Ray, it's never a problem, it's an opportunity.

It's an opportunity to shine.

Beach is determined to see his theatrical ambitions realised.

Right, gentlemen, your undivided attention, please.

I'm about to introduce you to the greatest gumshoe of all, super dick

Mr Sherlock Holmes.

I'm talking. I'm talking!

The reason I've invited you all here, gentlemen, is because I'm about to

the murderer.

But before I do that, I'd like to take you step by step to how I reached this

conclusion.

Revealing on the way some key witnesses who you haven't seen yet. For instance,

the enigmatic child of... Oh, who might that be at the door?

Gentlemen, let me introduce you to the villain of the piece, maybe.

Mr. Shirt, the villain.

Oh, terrible!

I'm horrible for my tool!

I'm terrible!

No, sir, sorry.

Are you, sorry, are you playing Sherlock Holmes, playing a Chinaman, or...?

Are you a Chinaman?

The wind said shut up. Are you saying that within the script or is it... Just

shut up.

I'm out of the clock. I was investigating.

I'm not anybody's identity!

Daddy!

It's been done.

And he's now Treasure Island.

This is the last hurdle, all right?

So we've all agreed you're going to go along with it, yeah? Okay.

They're ready for you.

I'm not coming out.

Why? They're not taking me seriously, Ray.

They're not taking me seriously.

I'm really confused now.

It's quite simple!

It isn't confusing at all!

You're only confused because you don't pay f***ing attention!

Don't you talk to me like...

Bloody poncy, mamby -pamby, equity, Nancy boy!

You can't understand it because you've only got half a fucking brain!

Look at

me.

Can I just say something?

What? I thought you were brilliant.

Did you, Ray? Yes.

Next week, the team learn how to live off the land and survive in the wild.