1 00:00:04,110 --> 00:00:05,110 Look, he's dead! 2 00:00:05,310 --> 00:00:06,310 He's dead. 3 00:00:08,910 --> 00:00:11,290 Thank you, gentlemen. A round of applause, please. 4 00:00:11,530 --> 00:00:17,170 Nobody move. Everybody stay exactly as they are. 5 00:00:17,630 --> 00:00:20,950 The first thing we must do is to ascertain the cause of death. 6 00:00:21,230 --> 00:00:23,050 Theories, any theories, gentlemen? Please. 7 00:00:24,630 --> 00:00:28,770 Please, gentlemen. Sir, I think the axe may have something to do with it. Aha! 8 00:00:29,070 --> 00:00:31,030 The axe may have something to do with it indeed. 9 00:00:31,550 --> 00:00:36,110 that things are not always as they first appear. For example, this door is 10 00:00:36,110 --> 00:00:41,430 locked... The door is locked from the inside, therefore the assailant must 11 00:00:41,430 --> 00:00:43,270 entered from this window here. 12 00:00:43,550 --> 00:00:47,910 Not necessarily so, sir, because if the door was locked from the inside, how 13 00:00:47,910 --> 00:00:49,510 could we have got in here? 14 00:00:50,910 --> 00:00:53,630 Also, sir, there's a door here, look. It's open, isn't it? 15 00:01:19,980 --> 00:01:20,980 The good God. 16 00:01:48,160 --> 00:01:52,400 It's week three in the retraining programme and the team are mobilised for 17 00:01:52,400 --> 00:01:54,120 simulated forensic exercise. 18 00:01:57,320 --> 00:02:00,740 Right, we're here today on a training exercise for forensics. 19 00:02:01,160 --> 00:02:05,560 This shot has been broken into today, it's been a minor burglary, but we are 20 00:02:05,560 --> 00:02:06,980 going to treat it as a murder. 21 00:02:07,440 --> 00:02:10,520 I want you to go through every inch of this shot. 22 00:02:10,820 --> 00:02:13,800 Now be careful because there's an old girl in there who's had a bit of a shock 23 00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:17,080 with a burglary and she's got a description of the assailant. 24 00:02:17,709 --> 00:02:18,709 What's this all for? 25 00:02:19,250 --> 00:02:21,150 I was told full dress, sir. 26 00:02:21,970 --> 00:02:25,910 Full battle dress? I told everybody to be dressed. And why did you inform them 27 00:02:25,910 --> 00:02:28,190 to dress like this? Are they going to be attacked by a jelly cock? 28 00:02:28,770 --> 00:02:29,790 I can take it off, sir. 29 00:02:29,990 --> 00:02:32,710 No, no, you leave it on now, you're going to sweat, you've got someone to 30 00:02:33,110 --> 00:02:39,310 Right, as you go forward... You make me feel very uncomfortable. Can you stand 31 00:02:39,310 --> 00:02:40,310 over there? 32 00:02:41,170 --> 00:02:42,890 Is that to keep it in or to let it out? 33 00:02:43,990 --> 00:02:44,990 Marilyn. 34 00:02:45,120 --> 00:02:46,120 Come out here. 35 00:02:46,660 --> 00:02:48,380 Just stand over here. 36 00:02:48,800 --> 00:02:49,800 Stand over here. 37 00:02:50,000 --> 00:02:53,100 Turn your head to the side, whatever you've got to do, but just try and act 38 00:02:53,100 --> 00:02:53,839 a policeman. 39 00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:54,840 Please. 40 00:02:54,980 --> 00:02:58,840 Remember, Smegs, speedy methodical efficiency guarantees success. OK, we 41 00:02:58,840 --> 00:02:59,840 we've all done this before. 42 00:03:00,100 --> 00:03:02,140 Desard, get your team through a perimeter round here. 43 00:03:02,560 --> 00:03:06,180 Strings, you're in charge of interviews. Mark, fingerprints, and be sparing with 44 00:03:06,180 --> 00:03:07,180 the dust. 45 00:03:10,170 --> 00:03:13,790 I know. It's for kids. It's kiddie stuff. I know. It's all done this 46 00:03:13,870 --> 00:03:15,770 It's for kids, right? I know. Cola cubes! 47 00:03:17,130 --> 00:03:18,370 Wow! You've never these? 48 00:03:19,070 --> 00:03:20,550 God! These are cute. 49 00:03:21,090 --> 00:03:22,230 Find the curly wordies. 50 00:03:22,990 --> 00:03:25,810 I'm going to have one of these milk tea. Look for curly wordies. 51 00:03:26,070 --> 00:03:28,910 They're not proper aniseed balls because aniseed balls are all red. 52 00:03:29,250 --> 00:03:30,450 So it's Gladys, isn't it? 53 00:03:30,670 --> 00:03:31,670 Yes. Mm -hmm. 54 00:03:31,850 --> 00:03:32,649 Gladys, right. 55 00:03:32,650 --> 00:03:34,410 Um, I'll show you that in a minute. 56 00:03:35,110 --> 00:03:37,530 Do you mind if I take my helmet off? 57 00:03:38,010 --> 00:03:39,010 Oh, you're supposed to. 58 00:03:40,110 --> 00:03:42,150 Not really, but I feel a bit of a tit in it, to be honest with you. 59 00:03:43,250 --> 00:03:45,450 I'm not really a uniform kind of guy, normally. 60 00:03:46,370 --> 00:03:48,490 I'm under colour, but it's an exercise. 61 00:03:49,430 --> 00:03:54,130 I've had to get back in uniform, but that's the only thing I've got. I 62 00:03:54,130 --> 00:03:56,430 we were supposed to be talking about the burglary. 63 00:03:57,370 --> 00:04:00,230 I'm trying to put you at ease, OK? 64 00:04:01,470 --> 00:04:07,150 As part of our training is to make the victim, which you are, feel at ease. So 65 00:04:07,150 --> 00:04:08,150 I'm just trying to, you know... 66 00:04:08,770 --> 00:04:10,530 Talk about something else for a minute. It's OK. 67 00:04:10,870 --> 00:04:11,870 Oh, all right. 68 00:04:12,470 --> 00:04:15,470 I should be careful with these, because I suffer from terrible IBS. 69 00:04:16,490 --> 00:04:17,490 Irritable bowel syndrome. 70 00:04:17,750 --> 00:04:18,750 Oh, I've heard of that. 71 00:04:19,450 --> 00:04:21,050 Bessard finds the first clue. 72 00:04:21,390 --> 00:04:23,870 It's a shattered, small window, shattered, just over the toilet. 73 00:04:24,130 --> 00:04:26,950 That's the glass, isn't it? There's some tea. I see some bread on there. Lovely. 74 00:04:27,410 --> 00:04:30,410 Perfect. Do you want one? Do you want that? Yeah. Stick it under there. 75 00:04:30,870 --> 00:04:31,870 A little bit. 76 00:04:31,950 --> 00:04:32,569 That's all right. 77 00:04:32,570 --> 00:04:33,690 That's all right. Thank you. 78 00:04:35,290 --> 00:04:36,290 Missions! 79 00:05:01,920 --> 00:05:02,920 What we got here? 80 00:05:03,360 --> 00:05:04,640 What have you been hiding here? 81 00:05:05,560 --> 00:05:06,840 Handbags. I love them. 82 00:05:07,320 --> 00:05:08,320 These are fabulous. 83 00:05:11,360 --> 00:05:12,360 Look at that. 84 00:05:13,620 --> 00:05:17,220 Whatever you do, don't touch the handbags. I found a dead mouse in there 85 00:05:17,220 --> 00:05:18,220 week. 86 00:05:20,240 --> 00:05:21,300 There you go, young man. 87 00:05:22,840 --> 00:05:24,180 Hand me six pence, please. 88 00:05:25,800 --> 00:05:27,800 Six old pence. Six D, that was. 89 00:05:28,320 --> 00:05:30,180 Six old pence. Two and a half P. 90 00:05:31,540 --> 00:05:33,100 Nothing. We're just pretending. 91 00:05:34,160 --> 00:05:35,160 Show him. 92 00:05:35,780 --> 00:05:39,280 I fly around the universe. I think we really should be getting on with the 93 00:05:39,940 --> 00:05:43,420 Steve Zodiac. I think you're eating too much chocolate. It's giving you a sugar 94 00:05:43,420 --> 00:05:46,180 high, sir. It's not giving me a sugar high. I'm fine. I think it is. 95 00:05:46,640 --> 00:05:47,640 Thanks. 96 00:05:47,840 --> 00:05:50,620 I've found a small amount of hair. 97 00:05:52,000 --> 00:05:56,240 Next to the blood in the toilet. I think it's from the perpetrator. 98 00:05:59,170 --> 00:06:00,890 I'm getting awkward. Can you sit down with me, Jim? 99 00:06:01,690 --> 00:06:02,690 That's it. 100 00:06:03,510 --> 00:06:06,370 I'll take that. Thank you very much. 101 00:06:06,610 --> 00:06:08,250 Right, shall we go and log it in then, sir? 102 00:06:08,570 --> 00:06:12,410 Yeah, in a minute. There is nothing, nothing quite like a Mars bar, is there? 103 00:06:12,770 --> 00:06:13,770 Except the Milky Way. 104 00:06:13,970 --> 00:06:15,530 The fun Milky Way's right. 105 00:06:16,250 --> 00:06:22,750 Only the crumbliest, flakiest chocolate tastes like 106 00:06:22,750 --> 00:06:25,910 chocolate never tasted before. 107 00:06:28,810 --> 00:06:29,810 Sit out this flame. 108 00:06:30,330 --> 00:06:31,970 What have I got there? It's a rum bell. 109 00:06:32,810 --> 00:06:35,410 What are we doing? 110 00:06:36,490 --> 00:06:37,750 What are you doing? What's he doing? 111 00:06:38,870 --> 00:06:40,990 I'm looking for creamy truffle, sir. Well, don't. 112 00:06:41,650 --> 00:06:42,930 Calm down. You're supposed to be doing work. 113 00:06:43,570 --> 00:06:47,150 You're supposed to be fingerprinting. Come on. Come on. This way, sir. 114 00:06:47,510 --> 00:06:49,050 Ray! Penny shrimps! 115 00:06:50,610 --> 00:06:51,610 Is it Ray? 116 00:06:52,450 --> 00:06:53,450 No. 117 00:06:53,670 --> 00:06:54,670 Oh, mate. 118 00:06:54,710 --> 00:06:57,730 You're bigger than this. 119 00:06:58,300 --> 00:07:03,100 No, what we're seeing here is straightforward, basic forensic police 120 00:07:03,240 --> 00:07:06,060 There's nothing mysterious about it. In the modern police force, it's what we do 121 00:07:06,060 --> 00:07:10,160 all the time. Mark, just in all the bottles, just get fingerprints. 122 00:07:10,940 --> 00:07:15,680 By process of elimination, we will find the culprit that perpetrated this crime. 123 00:07:15,780 --> 00:07:16,780 Quite simple. 124 00:07:16,920 --> 00:07:17,920 Quite straightforward. 125 00:07:21,560 --> 00:07:23,880 There's nothing to shake with this bottle. These are originals. 126 00:07:25,140 --> 00:07:26,140 Is this real? 127 00:07:26,220 --> 00:07:27,520 Original. Black current history. 128 00:07:28,470 --> 00:07:29,770 Fingerprints have been found. 129 00:07:30,790 --> 00:07:33,030 Unfortunately, D .I. Beach forgot to wear gloves. 130 00:07:34,830 --> 00:07:37,230 Look at this. 131 00:07:38,870 --> 00:07:43,610 It's a bloody mess, isn't it? There's powder everywhere here. It just needs a 132 00:07:43,610 --> 00:07:47,970 thin film of powder to identify prints. Not all this mess. 133 00:07:48,510 --> 00:07:51,190 You're asking me to dust everywhere, sir. It's like a tarse boudoir in here. 134 00:07:51,470 --> 00:07:56,110 Having said that, sir, there are some unknown prints over there, sir. All 135 00:07:56,310 --> 00:07:57,490 OK, now we're getting somewhere. 136 00:07:58,860 --> 00:08:05,280 These prints, as Mark has pointed out, can be no other, because if you look at 137 00:08:05,280 --> 00:08:10,760 forensics, the more that you have of one thing, a lot more of one thing than 138 00:08:10,760 --> 00:08:15,360 something else, then the easier it is to pinpoint the culprit's prints. And here 139 00:08:15,360 --> 00:08:22,140 we have what I determine to be the fingerprints of the burglar, 140 00:08:22,180 --> 00:08:23,760 without exception. 141 00:08:24,480 --> 00:08:25,480 Without question. 142 00:08:26,320 --> 00:08:30,840 Well, um, Duchess has got a point, actually, sir. She has said that the 143 00:08:30,840 --> 00:08:31,840 wore gloves. 144 00:08:32,340 --> 00:08:36,520 Ray, can we, can we get, uh, clear everybody and everything, please? I just 145 00:08:36,520 --> 00:08:38,520 need... Can we clear everybody out of here, please? 146 00:08:39,039 --> 00:08:41,220 Come on, Mark, will you clear, please? 147 00:08:41,980 --> 00:08:46,740 Well, it's absolutely apparent, to me, anyway, that the, uh, the fingerprint 148 00:08:46,740 --> 00:08:49,860 evidence is not conclusive for us, so we have to... 149 00:08:50,300 --> 00:08:53,860 realised that there's more than one way to skin a cat, so can I have some ideas, 150 00:08:53,980 --> 00:08:54,980 gentlemen, please? Quick. 151 00:08:55,520 --> 00:08:56,520 Shot. 152 00:08:57,060 --> 00:08:58,820 No? All right, what do we have here? 153 00:08:59,040 --> 00:09:00,040 Let's have a look. What have we got? 154 00:09:00,260 --> 00:09:03,040 We've got hair and we've got a piece of glass with blood on it. Now, what does 155 00:09:03,040 --> 00:09:04,040 that tell us? 156 00:09:04,760 --> 00:09:06,740 Evidence. All right, what evidence? 157 00:09:08,260 --> 00:09:10,200 But it means someone's cut the head, doesn't it? 158 00:09:10,820 --> 00:09:12,980 Hair, glass, blood on it. Head cut. 159 00:09:13,520 --> 00:09:14,520 Head wound. 160 00:09:15,040 --> 00:09:17,660 So what do we do about that? What do people do who cut their head? 161 00:09:19,520 --> 00:09:21,160 They go to hospital, don't they? 162 00:09:21,780 --> 00:09:22,960 To have it thrown up. 163 00:09:23,660 --> 00:09:30,500 So why don't we go to hospital and... ..and arrest anybody who, 164 00:09:30,560 --> 00:09:33,640 in the last 24 hours, has been admitted with a cut on their head? 165 00:09:34,940 --> 00:09:35,940 Well, go on, then! 166 00:09:36,020 --> 00:09:37,160 What? Come on, Mark. Go on! 167 00:09:37,360 --> 00:09:37,799 Come on. 168 00:09:37,800 --> 00:09:38,800 And you! 169 00:09:38,860 --> 00:09:39,860 Yeah, come on. 170 00:09:40,100 --> 00:09:41,100 Come on, everyone. 171 00:09:42,460 --> 00:09:43,460 Richard? 172 00:09:44,380 --> 00:09:45,900 I think that's a cut, isn't it? 173 00:09:46,340 --> 00:09:47,340 Gentlemen, please. 174 00:09:48,540 --> 00:09:49,319 Go on, then. 175 00:09:49,320 --> 00:09:50,320 Just follow along, everyone. 176 00:09:50,460 --> 00:09:51,460 Top, top. 177 00:09:51,780 --> 00:09:52,960 Over on the grass there. 178 00:09:54,500 --> 00:09:55,500 Mind your heads. 179 00:09:57,700 --> 00:09:58,700 Over there on the grass. 180 00:10:01,600 --> 00:10:05,680 I'm delighted to report that we have our chief suspect now, who has a small cut 181 00:10:05,680 --> 00:10:11,520 on his hand, but the main piece of evidence was a quarter of cola cubes 182 00:10:11,520 --> 00:10:13,480 that he had secreted about his person. 183 00:10:14,100 --> 00:10:17,960 All we've got to do now is get a positive ID from the old lady. 184 00:10:19,350 --> 00:10:20,670 Gladys. And Pop's her uncle. 185 00:10:26,410 --> 00:10:30,570 She's adamant she don't want to do the ID parade. What is her problem in life? 186 00:10:30,810 --> 00:10:33,550 She's frightened, sir. She's frightened that the perpetrator might recognise 187 00:10:33,550 --> 00:10:36,890 her. Jesus Christ, she's beginning to get on my bloody nerves. No, that isn't 188 00:10:36,890 --> 00:10:38,210 fair enough. She's a nice old girl. 189 00:10:38,710 --> 00:10:41,990 We've got nothing in here. We've got no facilities. We need a room with a two 190 00:10:41,990 --> 00:10:42,990 -way mirror. 191 00:10:43,250 --> 00:10:46,090 Surely that's not beyond the wit of Matt to find something to... You know what? 192 00:10:46,170 --> 00:10:47,170 Leave it like that. 193 00:10:47,470 --> 00:10:50,090 I'm going to sort something out for you, sir. Please do. You'll be proud of me. 194 00:10:51,530 --> 00:10:54,010 Desire, can you bring the suspect in, please? Thank you. 195 00:10:56,390 --> 00:10:57,390 Come on, Ed, in you go. 196 00:10:58,630 --> 00:10:59,710 Open the quiet bed, Bill. 197 00:11:02,690 --> 00:11:05,410 Right, take your time. Gladys, can you see the suspect? 198 00:11:05,810 --> 00:11:07,130 Yeah, yeah, I can see him. 199 00:11:07,490 --> 00:11:10,310 Right, suspect, can you see Mrs Epps? 200 00:11:10,610 --> 00:11:11,610 No. 201 00:11:11,870 --> 00:11:13,230 Right, Gladys, where are you going? 202 00:11:13,990 --> 00:11:14,990 It's not him. 203 00:11:15,470 --> 00:11:16,470 He was taller. 204 00:11:16,910 --> 00:11:19,670 Just start the toilet, please. Sorry, sir. Yeah, absolutely. 205 00:11:25,470 --> 00:11:26,670 Can't get no white, sir. 206 00:11:27,070 --> 00:11:28,070 But it's not him. 207 00:11:29,430 --> 00:11:30,430 Take a minute. 208 00:11:30,790 --> 00:11:31,790 Take a minute, sir. 209 00:11:32,570 --> 00:11:33,570 Sorry, sir. 210 00:11:36,130 --> 00:11:37,130 Please go. 211 00:11:40,790 --> 00:11:43,110 Do you want to resolve this crime or not? 212 00:11:45,620 --> 00:11:48,120 Well, don't just sit there, thing. It's not him. 213 00:11:49,200 --> 00:11:51,220 But how can you be sure? 214 00:11:51,700 --> 00:11:52,700 Well, I adore him. 215 00:11:53,020 --> 00:11:54,020 All right, then. 216 00:11:54,780 --> 00:11:55,780 Describe me. 217 00:11:56,620 --> 00:12:00,320 Tall, fat, with mousy hair. 218 00:12:02,500 --> 00:12:04,400 You can see what I'm up against. 219 00:12:05,460 --> 00:12:06,880 Everyone knows I'm actually blonde. 220 00:12:08,200 --> 00:12:11,820 You know, you can't rely on visual. 221 00:12:12,680 --> 00:12:15,360 Identification is conclusive evidence. It's ridiculous, especially when it 222 00:12:15,360 --> 00:12:16,360 from old people. 223 00:12:17,100 --> 00:12:22,440 With all due respect to the old woman, Gladys, I'd be surprised if she could 224 00:12:22,440 --> 00:12:23,440 remember what she had for breakfast. 225 00:12:23,880 --> 00:12:26,260 There must be something wrong with her eyes, Ray. She must be bloody blind. 226 00:12:26,700 --> 00:12:28,440 Mate, you're right. I'm not forgetting this. 227 00:12:28,740 --> 00:12:30,000 She went and said, I was born. 228 00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:33,360 Well, 10 % of the time they're right, Ray. 229 00:12:36,180 --> 00:12:37,840 That's not very nice of you to say. 230 00:12:41,879 --> 00:12:43,840 This is where the decisions are made. 231 00:12:44,100 --> 00:12:46,100 This is where we find our culprit. 232 00:12:46,320 --> 00:12:47,320 I don't know who it is. 233 00:12:47,460 --> 00:12:50,500 So if I can have the hair from the suspect. 234 00:12:52,360 --> 00:12:54,120 That was rather enthusiastically. 235 00:12:55,180 --> 00:12:56,180 Mr. Thompson. 236 00:12:57,560 --> 00:12:58,560 Very good. 237 00:12:59,920 --> 00:13:01,440 And the blood from the suspect. 238 00:13:03,380 --> 00:13:07,320 I hope you're getting a cup of tea and a biscuit after that. 239 00:13:09,150 --> 00:13:12,010 And if I can have the hair from the scene of the crime. 240 00:13:14,090 --> 00:13:18,570 That little bit there in the corner. 241 00:13:21,990 --> 00:13:26,290 And what about the glass with the blood on it? 242 00:13:27,410 --> 00:13:28,410 It's nether. 243 00:13:28,830 --> 00:13:31,330 It's in the bottle, is it? Yeah, I thought I'd keep it wet. 244 00:13:33,750 --> 00:13:38,090 Can we switch that off for a second? Before we carry on. 245 00:13:47,360 --> 00:13:48,360 Yes, 246 00:13:49,320 --> 00:13:52,960 I admit it, we've had a slight hitch, or a complete mess -up then, with 247 00:13:52,960 --> 00:13:55,780 forensics. But I want you to see something here. 248 00:13:56,120 --> 00:13:59,660 I'd like you to look at this charming individual here, if we can get a close 249 00:13:59,660 --> 00:14:04,560 on this lovely man, who is technically innocent. 250 00:14:06,120 --> 00:14:07,120 But I'll tell you something. 251 00:14:07,790 --> 00:14:09,570 We're not going to be looking for anyone else. 252 00:14:11,230 --> 00:14:18,110 LAUGHTER What I'm going to do is rekindle the men's interest in forensics 253 00:14:18,110 --> 00:14:19,570 a rather theatrical way. 254 00:14:20,570 --> 00:14:25,410 I'm taking them all away on a murder mystery weekend in an old manor house, 255 00:14:25,410 --> 00:14:30,230 costume, with actors, to see how forensics actually operated in the olden 256 00:14:30,670 --> 00:14:33,910 And I think it'd be a good idea if you came along and had a look at this, cos 257 00:14:33,910 --> 00:14:36,190 it'd be rather televisual. It'd be good for the viewers. 258 00:14:36,810 --> 00:14:41,510 DI Beach has written a script for the Murder Mystery Weekend and everyone has 259 00:14:41,510 --> 00:14:42,510 part to play. 260 00:14:43,770 --> 00:14:44,770 May I, Hans? 261 00:14:45,070 --> 00:14:46,090 Please be my guest. 262 00:14:48,550 --> 00:14:54,370 I see that your hole's empty, sir. Would you like me to fill it for you? Please 263 00:14:54,370 --> 00:14:56,650 do. I can do with a good rough shag. 264 00:14:57,270 --> 00:15:02,210 Would you like some... Sorry, sir. 265 00:15:03,170 --> 00:15:05,290 Strings takes his role seriously. 266 00:15:05,650 --> 00:15:06,650 Mr Holmes. 267 00:15:07,230 --> 00:15:08,670 Checkmate to me, I fear Moriarty. 268 00:15:09,030 --> 00:15:10,710 The game's not over yet, Holmes. 269 00:15:11,370 --> 00:15:14,070 It's the final whistle for you, Moriarty. I'm afraid your goose is 270 00:15:14,550 --> 00:15:16,750 Getting closer by the minute, Watson. 271 00:15:17,350 --> 00:15:18,350 May I, Holmes? 272 00:15:18,550 --> 00:15:19,550 Please be my guest. 273 00:15:20,690 --> 00:15:27,650 I deduce from this that your big white eyebrows... I'll do 274 00:15:27,650 --> 00:15:30,110 it, sorry. You'll not get me to sing for my supper. 275 00:15:30,690 --> 00:15:32,390 It'll be just porridge for you, Moriarty. 276 00:15:32,790 --> 00:15:34,870 But I'm the greatest living master criminal. 277 00:15:35,580 --> 00:15:37,520 Yeah, nothing but 30 minutes before we'll take him away. 278 00:15:37,780 --> 00:15:38,780 Rest it. 279 00:15:38,940 --> 00:15:40,620 Getting closer by the minute, Watson. 280 00:15:41,200 --> 00:15:42,200 May I, Holmes? 281 00:15:42,320 --> 00:15:43,320 Please, be my guest. 282 00:15:45,440 --> 00:15:49,400 Hmm. I see that your hole's empty, sir. Would you like me to fill it for you? 283 00:15:49,580 --> 00:15:51,900 Yes, I could do with a good rough shag. 284 00:15:52,660 --> 00:15:53,660 Ready, Robert? 285 00:15:53,840 --> 00:15:54,840 Please, fill it up. 286 00:15:56,880 --> 00:16:00,400 Would you like a loose fill, sir, or would you like me to stuff it in hard 287 00:16:00,400 --> 00:16:01,400 you? 288 00:16:01,680 --> 00:16:04,360 You're making these lines up now, Ray, aren't you? No, no, I'm not. You are. 289 00:16:04,420 --> 00:16:05,420 Well, it wasn't in the script. 290 00:16:05,580 --> 00:16:06,299 Well, you do know. 291 00:16:06,300 --> 00:16:07,460 He's in the scene. He's not. 292 00:16:07,680 --> 00:16:10,260 He is in the scene. He's not, sir. I beg your pardon, he's not. 293 00:16:10,920 --> 00:16:12,160 I'm sorry, who wrote this? 294 00:16:12,380 --> 00:16:15,900 You wrote it. I wrote it, yes. Well, I've read it, and I know it well, and 295 00:16:15,900 --> 00:16:17,920 not in this scene. Well, you haven't read it recently, have you? 296 00:16:18,120 --> 00:16:20,560 What do you mean? Quite clearly you haven't read it recently, otherwise 297 00:16:20,560 --> 00:16:22,920 know that Mark Catanova is in this scene with us. 298 00:16:24,260 --> 00:16:27,120 Well, you might have written it, but, I mean, since when is Casanova waiting 299 00:16:27,120 --> 00:16:30,300 around with Sherlock Holmes? Well, you're right, he did the original story, 300 00:16:30,300 --> 00:16:33,560 that's not... This is my adaptation of it. I don't want you to argue about it. 301 00:16:33,600 --> 00:16:35,660 I'll just go upstairs and get charged. No, say what you are. 302 00:16:36,040 --> 00:16:38,840 We're not arguing about it. We're just going to get on with the scene now, 303 00:16:38,940 --> 00:16:42,040 please. Look, when you play dead, you're still... Well, you're not still. 304 00:16:42,920 --> 00:16:44,900 Dead people are dead. They don't move. 305 00:16:45,340 --> 00:16:48,960 There's no two ways of playing dead, is there? Well, there are certain schools 306 00:16:48,960 --> 00:16:50,680 of thought that would beg to dittle with you on that. 307 00:16:51,360 --> 00:16:52,360 How do you cut? 308 00:16:56,170 --> 00:16:57,850 Back, demon, seed, vampire. 309 00:17:00,050 --> 00:17:01,050 Back. 310 00:17:01,470 --> 00:17:02,470 Hope. 311 00:17:07,970 --> 00:17:08,970 Lovely child. 312 00:17:13,890 --> 00:17:20,430 I'm trying to help you get the best out of your part. When you're dead, you 313 00:17:20,430 --> 00:17:21,029 don't move. 314 00:17:21,030 --> 00:17:22,290 End of story. Stop. Full stop. 315 00:17:22,630 --> 00:17:24,410 About the image, the quality of stillness. 316 00:17:25,349 --> 00:17:26,349 It's not quite dead. 317 00:17:26,770 --> 00:17:27,770 Ridiculous. 318 00:17:30,430 --> 00:17:32,390 This is the vampire's lair. Desire. 319 00:17:32,790 --> 00:17:35,430 One of your props, I believe. Thank you, sir. 320 00:17:35,670 --> 00:17:36,670 I like the lighting. 321 00:17:36,890 --> 00:17:40,570 Yeah. Very good. Let's have another look. See where the undead live. 322 00:17:41,190 --> 00:17:42,190 Ladies, 323 00:17:42,510 --> 00:17:43,510 how do you do? 324 00:17:45,230 --> 00:17:48,550 Getting into the old vampire. 325 00:17:50,310 --> 00:17:51,430 It's quite splendid. 326 00:17:52,370 --> 00:17:54,190 Splendid. Carry on. 327 00:17:56,860 --> 00:17:57,860 Right? 328 00:17:58,420 --> 00:18:01,800 Sergeant Ash has been told to bring this thard into line. 329 00:18:03,700 --> 00:18:05,680 Hello, Ray. All right, what's up? 330 00:18:06,260 --> 00:18:07,260 Yep. 331 00:18:07,860 --> 00:18:14,580 I want to have a little word with you about the overall attitude 332 00:18:14,580 --> 00:18:15,880 towards this weekend. 333 00:18:16,640 --> 00:18:17,980 Yeah? What, now? 334 00:18:18,300 --> 00:18:21,560 Yeah, but can we... What's that in the water? 335 00:18:22,400 --> 00:18:25,720 Oh, my God, look... Can we take the camera outside? Can we... 336 00:18:26,090 --> 00:18:30,410 This is a very special weekend for the government. 337 00:18:30,930 --> 00:18:32,670 I just don't think you're pulling your weight, mate. 338 00:18:33,350 --> 00:18:35,310 Yeah, but it's just like I wear that poxy wig. 339 00:18:35,550 --> 00:18:38,290 You know, we've all got the fringe down. 340 00:18:38,510 --> 00:18:39,550 And you're not. 341 00:18:39,750 --> 00:18:42,650 What are you doing? You're frolicking in the pool with some young girls. 342 00:18:42,950 --> 00:18:44,310 You shouldn't even be here. 343 00:18:45,330 --> 00:18:48,410 De Sade, don't turn your back on me. 344 00:18:53,930 --> 00:18:55,490 But he could have given me a bit more slack. 345 00:18:55,820 --> 00:19:01,120 really. I mean, you know, I could have gone the whole way and laid on the 346 00:19:01,180 --> 00:19:04,520 for example, but he made me stay on the table. 347 00:19:05,280 --> 00:19:07,380 It's just not showing my full range. 348 00:19:09,000 --> 00:19:10,700 This is how I would stand, naturally. 349 00:19:10,980 --> 00:19:15,400 Well, Watson wouldn't stand like that, would he? He's a military chap. He'd 350 00:19:15,400 --> 00:19:16,400 his hands behind his back. 351 00:19:16,740 --> 00:19:17,740 Or smart. 352 00:19:19,660 --> 00:19:22,940 If you get the physicality right, the voice will follow. 353 00:19:23,220 --> 00:19:25,530 Naturally. It's what all actors find. 354 00:19:25,770 --> 00:19:30,250 So if you do the walk first, remember that he's a military bearing, so he's 355 00:19:30,250 --> 00:19:32,750 erect. No, no, no, spot properly. 356 00:19:35,210 --> 00:19:37,150 Let your hands go. 357 00:19:38,250 --> 00:19:43,650 Now, come back, come back. I mean, I have had reviews about my corpses. 358 00:19:44,610 --> 00:19:46,870 I have played bodies up in that country. 359 00:19:47,830 --> 00:19:53,030 Now, Watson, what does one deduce from this piece of evidence here? 360 00:19:53,790 --> 00:19:57,870 Well, Holmes, I would say this is a creeper of the... No, lower, lower, 361 00:19:57,870 --> 00:19:58,769 end. Yep. 362 00:19:58,770 --> 00:20:00,910 Getting warm? 363 00:20:01,290 --> 00:20:03,490 Warm. Still can't see anything. Warm up. 364 00:20:03,770 --> 00:20:05,350 What, the footprint? The footprint, aha! 365 00:20:05,630 --> 00:20:06,609 Oh, the footprint. 366 00:20:06,610 --> 00:20:08,330 That's right. Now, what does the footprint tell us? 367 00:20:08,710 --> 00:20:10,630 Every footprint tells a story. 368 00:20:10,890 --> 00:20:13,110 Don't be so bold, sir. Go ahead, Watson. 369 00:20:14,190 --> 00:20:21,110 What I introduce that we have here is a sports shoe of the Adidas variety. 370 00:20:22,050 --> 00:20:23,050 Adidas. 371 00:20:23,290 --> 00:20:24,290 No, it says. 372 00:20:24,350 --> 00:20:25,950 How do we know it's Adidas? 373 00:20:26,390 --> 00:20:27,390 How do we know it's Adidas? 374 00:20:27,490 --> 00:20:28,730 It says it, so it's... Aha! 375 00:20:29,190 --> 00:20:34,450 Now, what I deduce from this, Watson, is... By Jove, yes, it is. It's a middle 376 00:20:34,450 --> 00:20:39,710 -aged man who is not used to wearing a sporting footwear. He's caught on fire, 377 00:20:39,790 --> 00:20:45,870 sir. I'm going to put his... Oh, no, no. You've ruined all the evidence now. 378 00:20:47,090 --> 00:20:49,590 There's footprints all over. We know who the footprints are, don't we? 379 00:20:49,890 --> 00:20:52,710 Couldn't they just burn, sir, couldn't we? That was going really well. 380 00:20:53,110 --> 00:20:54,110 For a change. 381 00:20:54,650 --> 00:20:56,090 He's stamped all over it. 382 00:20:56,590 --> 00:20:59,710 It's only a matter of running upstairs and getting your trainer and putting it 383 00:20:59,710 --> 00:21:02,210 there again. No, it's not a matter of running upstairs and getting an old 384 00:21:02,210 --> 00:21:03,830 trainer and putting it there. That was real then. 385 00:21:04,070 --> 00:21:07,530 We had something really good going. It was on fire, sir. You've ruined it, the 386 00:21:07,530 --> 00:21:08,209 pair of you. 387 00:21:08,210 --> 00:21:12,110 You make me sick. The building would have caught on fire, sir. 388 00:21:12,830 --> 00:21:14,670 Things are not going well. 389 00:21:16,030 --> 00:21:18,130 People are confused with Beach's script. 390 00:21:22,120 --> 00:21:26,740 So clearly nobody's understood the concept at all. Well, none of the 391 00:21:26,740 --> 00:21:27,740 was given. 392 00:21:28,100 --> 00:21:32,160 I'm bringing to... I'm trying... Yeah. ..to bring together characters from 393 00:21:32,160 --> 00:21:34,540 British literature... Great characters from... And French. 394 00:21:35,080 --> 00:21:39,160 ..British and French literature together in a situation that you wouldn't 395 00:21:39,160 --> 00:21:42,140 normally find them in. Sort of three musketeers... Yeah, exactly. 396 00:21:42,720 --> 00:21:47,380 So you get the juxtaposition of the characters coming together... Fine. ..at 397 00:21:47,380 --> 00:21:48,380 once. Yeah. 398 00:21:50,100 --> 00:21:51,100 Mr Holmes. 399 00:21:54,570 --> 00:21:55,710 The game's not over yet. 400 00:21:56,370 --> 00:21:58,090 The game's not over yet. 401 00:21:58,890 --> 00:22:00,810 It's your Moriarty? Yeah. 402 00:22:01,190 --> 00:22:04,450 Dr Moriarty. Mr Holmes. 403 00:22:05,450 --> 00:22:07,210 Checkmate to me, I fear. No, this is wrong. 404 00:22:07,810 --> 00:22:09,970 Unfortunately, roles are being reversed. 405 00:22:12,730 --> 00:22:15,810 Let's get rich. Come on. 406 00:22:16,730 --> 00:22:19,750 Dr Moriarty. Mr Holmes. 407 00:22:20,590 --> 00:22:21,970 Checkmate to me, I fear. 408 00:22:22,190 --> 00:22:23,830 The game's not over yet, Holmes. 409 00:22:24,350 --> 00:22:26,950 It's the final whistle for you, Moriarty. 410 00:22:27,410 --> 00:22:31,870 You're not getting me... No, I think I said... You're coming in over my line. 411 00:22:32,290 --> 00:22:33,290 You're Moriarty. 412 00:22:33,750 --> 00:22:34,790 I'm Moriarty. Just relax. 413 00:22:36,690 --> 00:22:37,970 Now you stop. 414 00:22:38,370 --> 00:22:39,970 Dr Moriarty. Mr Holmes. 415 00:22:40,610 --> 00:22:42,870 No, that was right, sir. Was it? 416 00:22:44,510 --> 00:22:45,750 That's me. That's me. It's my fault. 417 00:22:46,030 --> 00:22:47,570 I'll tell you what was my fault that time. 418 00:22:48,670 --> 00:22:49,910 OK, let's start again. 419 00:22:51,030 --> 00:22:52,030 Ready? Are we still rolling? 420 00:22:54,370 --> 00:22:55,370 Yep. OK. 421 00:22:55,930 --> 00:22:57,510 Dr Moriarty. Mr Holmes. 422 00:22:58,590 --> 00:23:02,790 Checkmate to me, I fear, Moriarty. The game's not up yet, Holmes. 423 00:23:04,270 --> 00:23:06,090 It's the final whistle, Moriarty. 424 00:23:06,650 --> 00:23:10,590 Your goose is cooked. You'll not get me to sing for my supper. It'll be just 425 00:23:10,590 --> 00:23:14,750 porridge for you, Moriarty. But I'm the greatest living master criminal. You're 426 00:23:14,750 --> 00:23:16,770 nothing but a pathetic, demented fool. 427 00:23:17,070 --> 00:23:18,070 Take him away! 428 00:23:18,850 --> 00:23:21,690 Right, off you go. No, not me, Ray. 429 00:23:22,850 --> 00:23:27,010 Him. Come on, Casanova. No, but I thought... He should take him away. 430 00:23:27,870 --> 00:23:29,330 He's the criminal, not me. 431 00:23:29,770 --> 00:23:31,450 Why would he take me away? 432 00:23:31,730 --> 00:23:35,730 You know those two actors, the one that played the Chinaman and the one that 433 00:23:35,730 --> 00:23:36,730 played Ben Gunn? 434 00:23:37,170 --> 00:23:38,530 Yes. They're not coming. 435 00:23:40,190 --> 00:23:45,430 It's something to do with equity and the camera and... I don't really... Ray, 436 00:23:45,530 --> 00:23:48,130 you've had two weeks. Two weeks to sort this out. 437 00:23:48,730 --> 00:23:52,030 I want replacements straight away for these people. 438 00:23:55,780 --> 00:24:00,240 I can't. It wasn't my fault. I can't even look you in the face because I'm so 439 00:24:00,240 --> 00:24:01,460 furious with telling you. 440 00:24:01,820 --> 00:24:02,820 I'm sorry. 441 00:24:02,900 --> 00:24:03,859 It's all a joke. 442 00:24:03,860 --> 00:24:04,779 Now. 443 00:24:04,780 --> 00:24:07,020 What's he for? Let's see. This is the gardener. 444 00:24:07,920 --> 00:24:08,920 Oi! 445 00:24:11,200 --> 00:24:12,260 What have you come as? 446 00:24:13,020 --> 00:24:14,340 What do you look like? 447 00:24:14,760 --> 00:24:15,760 Eh? 448 00:24:16,480 --> 00:24:20,540 Well, I'm... I don't know where I'm supposed to be. The gardener or... 449 00:24:21,040 --> 00:24:24,080 Or a butler, sir. You're supposed to be both, but not at the same time. 450 00:24:24,680 --> 00:24:29,580 Bart and Ash have gone back to the professional actors, but they still 451 00:24:29,580 --> 00:24:30,479 take part. 452 00:24:30,480 --> 00:24:34,040 I offered them more money, and they just flatly refused it and said they'd taken 453 00:24:34,040 --> 00:24:35,040 it up with their union. 454 00:24:35,780 --> 00:24:37,860 So we're up a gum tree. 455 00:24:38,720 --> 00:24:40,960 Sorry. No, no, don't be sorry. 456 00:24:41,640 --> 00:24:45,880 Remember, Ray, it's never a problem, it's an opportunity. 457 00:24:47,540 --> 00:24:49,000 It's an opportunity to shine. 458 00:24:51,050 --> 00:24:54,750 Beach is determined to see his theatrical ambitions realised. 459 00:24:59,410 --> 00:25:02,550 Right, gentlemen, your undivided attention, please. 460 00:25:03,030 --> 00:25:08,170 I'm about to introduce you to the greatest gumshoe of all, super dick 461 00:25:08,530 --> 00:25:10,070 Mr Sherlock Holmes. 462 00:25:18,860 --> 00:25:20,200 I'm talking. I'm talking! 463 00:25:21,480 --> 00:25:25,180 The reason I've invited you all here, gentlemen, is because I'm about to 464 00:25:25,180 --> 00:25:26,180 the murderer. 465 00:25:26,600 --> 00:25:31,280 But before I do that, I'd like to take you step by step to how I reached this 466 00:25:31,280 --> 00:25:32,280 conclusion. 467 00:25:32,780 --> 00:25:36,840 Revealing on the way some key witnesses who you haven't seen yet. For instance, 468 00:25:36,940 --> 00:25:43,100 the enigmatic child of... Oh, who might that be at the door? 469 00:25:43,720 --> 00:25:47,100 Gentlemen, let me introduce you to the villain of the piece, maybe. 470 00:25:47,880 --> 00:25:50,340 Mr. Shirt, the villain. 471 00:25:55,800 --> 00:25:57,860 Oh, terrible! 472 00:25:58,300 --> 00:26:00,260 I'm horrible for my tool! 473 00:26:00,600 --> 00:26:01,600 I'm terrible! 474 00:26:06,560 --> 00:26:08,440 No, sir, sorry. 475 00:26:09,300 --> 00:26:15,740 Are you, sorry, are you playing Sherlock Holmes, playing a Chinaman, or...? 476 00:26:16,560 --> 00:26:17,820 Are you a Chinaman? 477 00:26:21,060 --> 00:26:25,160 The wind said shut up. Are you saying that within the script or is it... Just 478 00:26:25,160 --> 00:26:26,160 shut up. 479 00:26:27,400 --> 00:26:30,140 I'm out of the clock. I was investigating. 480 00:26:30,840 --> 00:26:32,000 I'm not anybody's identity! 481 00:26:33,000 --> 00:26:34,000 Daddy! 482 00:26:38,760 --> 00:26:40,040 It's been done. 483 00:26:40,380 --> 00:26:41,880 And he's now Treasure Island. 484 00:26:42,520 --> 00:26:44,480 This is the last hurdle, all right? 485 00:26:44,880 --> 00:26:47,180 So we've all agreed you're going to go along with it, yeah? Okay. 486 00:26:49,000 --> 00:26:50,080 They're ready for you. 487 00:26:50,320 --> 00:26:51,380 I'm not coming out. 488 00:26:51,820 --> 00:26:54,240 Why? They're not taking me seriously, Ray. 489 00:26:54,700 --> 00:26:56,780 They're not taking me seriously. 490 00:26:57,440 --> 00:27:03,020 I'm really confused now. 491 00:27:03,700 --> 00:27:04,920 It's quite simple! 492 00:27:05,940 --> 00:27:08,100 It isn't confusing at all! 493 00:27:08,800 --> 00:27:11,240 You're only confused because you don't pay f***ing attention! 494 00:27:12,740 --> 00:27:14,140 Don't you talk to me like... 495 00:27:14,670 --> 00:27:18,450 Bloody poncy, mamby -pamby, equity, Nancy boy! 496 00:27:21,010 --> 00:27:24,910 You can't understand it because you've only got half a fucking brain! 497 00:27:27,130 --> 00:27:33,190 Look at 498 00:27:33,190 --> 00:27:36,750 me. 499 00:27:38,390 --> 00:27:39,710 Can I just say something? 500 00:27:40,030 --> 00:27:41,990 What? I thought you were brilliant. 501 00:27:42,470 --> 00:27:44,070 Did you, Ray? Yes. 502 00:28:05,550 --> 00:28:10,090 Next week, the team learn how to live off the land and survive in the wild.