Original subtitles

Surveillance is 1 % action, 99 % boredom, as you know, and we have to

of combating that boredom.

Mind over matter.

And remember, spunk.

Silence, position, undercover, nocturnal know -how.

All right, gentlemen, in order to combat the boredom, we're going to have a

little exercise now in stillness. Silence and stillness.

Just like the household cavalry, who stand there, unblinking, unmoving.

For hours and hours and hours. Every day.

We are going to do just that today.

Ready to stopwatch, please.

No. I didn't say start it.

Stop it now. It won't stop.

I can't get one to zero.

I've tried that.

It just doesn't go back to normal. Have a look at that.

It needs to go back to zero.

There you go, sir.

The good guy.

Oh!

Dr. What? Right there.

Mum!

Back in.

Now.

Over in the corner by the benches. Now, please.

Blowing all the way. Sorry, sir.

Mum, they don't sting.

Start the wash again.

It's still going.

What have you got there?

What are you doing?

I'm making my own butter, sir.

What?

Oi! I'm sorry, Bill.

Over there.

By the bench, now!

I expected more of you.

Burr Blanc, actually, sir. I don't think it was Raymond. Bloody Blanc.

Making your butter on my tongue. Get over by those benches now.

Go on.

How long was that, Ray?

25 seconds, sir.

That's rather good.

I'm impressed with that.

Well, they're all laughing at me, but this is organic. I know exactly where it

comes from. All that stuff in the supermarket, I don't trust it one iota.

I mean, they irradiate all the milk, they put all hormones into the cows,

everything. This comes from a mate of mine's farm, straight from it.

Mmm, delicious.

At least you know where it's coming from.

Mmm, that is smashing.

It's week two in the retraining programme and Hollywood comes to Hendon.

We have Jude Law, well -known film star, and Bobby Lee Miller, who is Johnny

Lee Miller, who is also an actor.

Jude Law and Johnny Lee Miller are big -time Hollywood actors and their next

roles are playing policemen.

So they need to go somewhere and have a look and research it.

So where do they come to? Us, the experts.

Johnny, I saw you in Trainspot and I thought it was a very, very accurate

portrayal of a heroin addict.

Thank you. Brilliant, brilliant.

Nobody told me he was a heroin addict.

No, no, no. It was Trainspotting, sir, and he was just playing a heroine, you

know. Look, Ray, I haven't spent all these years in the force not to

an addict when I see one. And who is it? Look, he played a part as a highwayman

in a... There you are. OK.

Casting to type again.

Ray, he's got addict written through him like Danish through bacon.

He has, but it's all to do with earlobes, high forehead.

It's a criminal type.

Can I interrupt this for a second? Sorry.

Let's get on with the job in hand. I'm sure these gentlemen have got better

things to do than answer silly questions.

Judy will be coming with us, and Johnny, you shoot up with the... The reason why

we've separated you is because you're two different personalities, really, and

think Johnny would benefit by being with the ART team. He needs to straighten

out.

He's just an actor. That was a performance. I appreciate he's your

as far as I'm concerned, he's in the best place and with the best people to

learn. You, however, Jude, you're a different kind of visual together. Stick

with us.

Sergeant Asher himself.

And learn from us.

We have a lot to offer you.

I'm just here.

I'm ears and eyes. I just want to... Be as authentic as I can in the

performance.

Ignore that, because as far as we're concerned, that means nothing to us.

It's all had to us, isn't it? We've done all this before.

We did documentaries. I hope you see some of that. Yeah, I was in a couple of

videos. I saw a couple of the last few. Operation Good Guide. Yeah. It was

received rather well.

We got more mail than that hotel woman, didn't we? I've got some things.

Did you? Yeah. Did you reply?

Yeah, of course. Yeah.

Yeah, you should. But this time, this could be the Jim and Jude show.

Enough of that nonsense, but just stick close.

I will do. And stick with me, kid. You'll learn a lot.

Give me the camera, OK?

You're not acting now.

This is real, all right? OK, yeah.

And I'm telling you something. If you want to do this job properly, you'd

sharpen your act up.

Take your hands off your hips.

Stand up straight.

How's that?

Well, it's better.

If you start... Don't... I'm talking.

If you start slopping about and sniggering... Sorry, sir.

..you'll get nowhere fast. Do you understand what I'm saying to you? Yes.

Sorry, I didn't hear that.

Yes, Inspector.

Good, sir. OK.

Join your friend.

Thank you.

Thanks. Thank you.

Sorry about that.

Kojak had his lollipop and I was hoping to meet up with... You know, a policeman

with a bit of attitude. Instead I ended up with this guy who's like, you know,

with a little buck mouth and like that all afternoon.

Leave me alone, leave me alone.

Because you're head of this particular operation, this division, aren't you?

Yes. And you're also the shortest guy here.

Have you never heard the expression, I've just, in the life, you know, that's

Pfizer and everything.

Okay. I have heard that. Diamonds come in small packages.

You're not a big feet man, are you?

No, big socks.

Anyway.

Have you seen my wife?

No, sir. I can't say I have. I don't smell her.

That Johnny Lee Miller was in the audience.

Yeah.

Well, he's got it, hasn't he?

I don't think so, sir. Find him. Now.

He's a meaningless answer.

He's the type is what he is. Are you sure you took it in? To find him now,

you're always forgetting it.

Right. Get Johnny Lee Miller. I'll ask him. Don't you ever bloody ask him.

strip search him if necessary.

One thing I must impress very heavily, particularly on you, Bill, the

surveillance exercise that you're about to embark on is of paramount importance

to us. It's points we need. We're being scored on this exercise.

The other thing I need to press upon both of you is that we've been kindly

the location by the Commissioner.

It's his house, it's his personal property, it's being renovated at the

so please take great care.

Well, the next part of our training exercise is surveillance, of course, and

Desard and his team have been chosen to do this. But as you know, Desard loves

playing up to camera.

So the BBC have come up with an excellent idea.

See, in the Commissioner's house, they've concealed two hidden cameras

two two -way mirrors, one at the back and one at the side.

So Desard and his team will never know they're there.

The surveillance exercise begins.

See, the thing is, John, what you've got to do is those caps, silly caps they

make you wear, just never wear them well.

Shove them in there.

Look at that. Looks good, doesn't it? See that?

Good, doesn't it?

Cutting a mean fellow out.

Unaware of the cameras, De Thaard has found a good use for the two -way

Then you pull it out like that.

Hey, you're getting the hang of that.

Helps you balance as well.

What we're going to do now... Meanwhile, Jude begins his research.

I'm going to do a little exercise in how to trail someone for the viewers at

home to show you how you trail somebody without being seen.

So Ray and Jude... Where are you?

Jude, come here.

I'm going to walk off that way. I'm going to give them a certain amount of

then I'm going to trail them.

And you've got to try and lose me. And you've really got to go for this,

if you don't go for it, it all falls down. It doesn't work at all.

Jude? It's just like what we do when we go home, isn't it? Yeah, exactly that,

Ray.

No.

Start again, start again.

Take my hand and drive.

46, 47, 48, 49, 50.

Come in. Ready or not. Right.

In his spare time, Bones is a vigilante crime fighter, and today he's recruiting

Mark.

to wear it. I'm not wearing it, Bones. It looks ridiculous. If you're coming

vigilante crime fighter with me, you've got to wear it, I'm afraid. I'm sorry.

That red over there, that'd be a fortune, mate.

They're all over the house. There's about ten of them all over the house.

They're the old, original Edwardian radiators.

It is nice, though, isn't it?

It's lovely, isn't it? Yeah.

Lovely red.

Quite nice.

Ready? Here we go. Ready?

That's it.

That's it.

We've got it. That's it.

This is worth making it.

Excuse me, I'm looking for two men. They must have come by here shortly, or a

short while ago, I think. One's a tall chap, bald, and the other is good

-looking, a famous actor, Jude Law.

He was in Guitarka with Uma Thurman.

Oh, there's another one with wild in there, something wild.

Wild Bill Hickok?

No, not Wild Bill Hickok.

Wild at Heart.

Born to be wild.

No, no, no, that was a song. That was a song. Oh.

No, you're right.

Not a way. Thanks for your trouble. It's all right.

Not quite the full ticket.

Work it. Work it.

Open your eyes.

It's coming. It's coming.

Got it.

Look at that.

Excuse me, mate. What, um... What zone is that in?

So it's going to be cheaper when we have two of them? Yeah, two of them.

Two of them. Yeah.

Okay.

Brilliant. Thank you. You've got them.

You're better off getting a travel card.

All right,

so we've got the door, the fireplace, the cove ends, all the coving, isn't it?

Bang bang. Door with knocker. Oh, yeah. Bang bang.

Okay.

Right. Five, six range, right? Yeah.

Yeah. Five, six range.

Let's start off. Yeah. Let's range on one of these then, yeah?

Right.

See between the two houses?

Yeah. Look, just over the back garden to the back, there's that reclamation

yard. See it? Yeah.

Just there, mate.

Right. That's where we're going now.

Where's the dog, John?

He took a bloody taxi.

You took a bloody taxi. How can you get here so quickly?

We walked. And how is Jude supposed to learn anything if you're not going to

play the game properly? We walked. We walked slowly.

We really did. We walked.

Did you, Jim? Yeah.

Sergeant de Sade needs a favour from Strings. All right, guys.

How's it going?

Johnny. All right.

You've got this gear here.

Get someone to put it over in the reclamation yard. Yeah.

Be careful with it, though, won't you?

Yeah, yeah. No problem.

We'll have to set all the seats down.

Yeah, all right. Well, yeah.

It's a nice door, isn't it?

We're not going to see nothing through Westminster. We want to show the camera

some action, right?

So what we want to do, we want to go up through here and go through sort of the

east end, the bits that are a little bit dodgy, where it might, you know, we

might get a bit of... If it's going to take us an hour and a half to go, it is.

It doesn't matter.

However long it takes, that's what we're here for, is to patrol the underground

and protect people.

Bonvid Vigilante Patrol begins.

Mark, always, when you patrol, you always stand up as well.

So you never sit down.

Let other people have seats as well.

Do it up as well.

Do it up. Do it up.

Chubby brown, look.

Some sort of protection.

Do it up.

He's not coming with me again.

I tell you, I'm better off on my own.

Well,

you must have hidden the doorway.

No. And watched me go by.

No, no.

We walked straight, slowly.

And then you went off the other way.

Johnny's research takes him across a wide spectrum of police techniques.

always remember, it's discipline.

Without discipline, nothing works.

Come on, darling, off you go.

Oh, do you want a black sob?

I will have it tomorrow, mate.

A nice sob.

Yeah, downstairs.

There's someone sitting.

Get up!

Bring the handcuffs, bring the handcuffs. What the fuck are you doing?

didn't cop us.

Yes, we are.

Hey! I'm police!

Get down!

Down! I'm behind your back! Let me see your eyes! Get back here!

Behind your back!

Didn't mean that. Not bad.

Not bad.

Don't you get moved!

You've done that nice, mate.

Yeah, it felt good. You're getting the hang of this. It looked good. It feels

good. It looked good. You had the movement. Right, on your feet!

Jude's invited me down to his film set, so that I can have a little look. He's

got the right face for it. He might put me in as a little extra. Yeah.

Would you mind if we did that?

No, he's got the right face for it.

You can do it, sir. Yeah, you'd be much better.

I've had the experience.

The net box mouth, wasn't it?

No, he's just saying about your letter.

When do we go down to the set?

I can make an arrest. I can make a citizen's arrest.

Come on, it's a citizen's arrest. We're coppers. You don't need to make a

citizen's arrest.

I mean, look at the state he's going.

I'm a copper, I'm a copper. Look at the state he is. A catwoman on a bad night,

yeah, but we still make the arrest.

Jude Law's research carries on off duty.

It's pretty action -packed, but I think it's important that you see the private

life as well, the more domestic life that an officer has.

Come in with me, Jude.

Only me.

Hi, Mum.

Hello, love. Right, I'm just going to go up to my room with my friends.

Can you give us a call when he's ready?

Yeah, come this way.

Come on, dude.

Right, we'll just do a bit of platform work from now on. Yeah?

So we just control the platform.

You all right, missus?

He's made me wear this stupid hat. I mean, apparently it's supposed to be

protection from spitting, you know.

I just think it's ridiculous.

I mean, the one thing I will say is you can't mock him.

I mean, he means well.

You know, we're doing it of our own sort of spare time.

That's fair enough.

Gee, I'm sick.

I tried out.

It's great Yeah, you can see if you look around the walls you see that all

my Hoover stuff I'm fascinated by Jagger Hoover

This is a real FBI badge.

Genuine article.

People pay a lot of money for this stuff, don't they?

Brilliant.

And I've got here... It's belonged to Hoover. The stole,

the wig, the net dress, and this beautiful bodice, which has actually got

It's actually boned.

It's not really my size, but Ray will put it on to see.

Ray, put it on so Jude can see what it looks like. No, I'm sorry. That's an

order, Ray. You're going to put it on right now. I'm going to give you some

hair, Sergeant Ash.

I don't want to. Put it on.

Now.

Don't normally sit down on these rums.

Bones' homemade butter has returned to haunt him.

dairy products on that one. No, it ain't dairy products, bones. It's butter,

isn't it?

What do you mean, the butter for, you idiot?

It's curdling in your tummy. Never, never, never add to me before. I've

been fine with it.

Oh, you... Oh, you fucking bastard.

Well, the reason it looks absolutely stupid is because you're just too dour.

I'm not too dour. You are dour. You're not going to... It's stupid.

It should... What?

Don't come in.

What's that?

It's a television camera. They're doing a documentary.

Oh. We have things coming.

Hello. Hello.

What's your name?

Mary.

There's no toilets in between here and there.

It's not funny. Shut up. It's funny.

Just go up there, then. I can't go on the pavement. I'm a police officer.

Oh, no, it's coming out.

Give me that bag!

Give me that bag!

You should film him. You should film him. Get up there.

of privacy over here.

Has anyone got a tissue?

Leave it up here.

How can I leave it up here? What if a kid opens it or something?

It's disgusting.

It's not that disgusting.

It's a human function, a human bodily function. Everyone does it.

Wait.

It's so totally for real.

I feel like I'm in a Philippine film. There's a reason about this. It's a

fondue. You'll find that when you go and shoot your next movie in L .A.,

everybody's eating fondue. Do you work with men?

Me, um... My sister does.

Oh. No, Mum.

Brothers. Brother. Brother.

She's Mary Ash.

Oh, mate.

You look just like your brother.

What, do you think so? Mm, you do.

I've only got more hair.

Sorry? Pardon?

More hair.

What's wrong with his hair? I haven't got any.

Yeah, he's got borders of coot. He has, he's got some round the edges, he's got

hair. I can't,

I can't leave it for the dustman.

Oi! Oi! Oi!

I am an off -duty police officer. I am arresting you for actual robbery.

You're Nick's son.

Pick up the bag. What?

What? Pick up the bag.

I'm picking up the bag?

I've got hold of the assailant. That is evidence, pal.

No, that's a bag of your shit in there. I'm not watching it. That is evidence,

mate. You pick it up. We've got to have that.

Mary,

you can come any time.

Thank you. That's not very nice to do, is it? Don't do that.

No, that's a terrible thing to do.

I didn't bring him up to do that. No, you've done that before.

You've been irritated all day. I don't know what's wrong with you.

That's fucking bad.

Desard has finally found a use for Johnny.

He's going to abseil him out of the window.

It's like a gargoyle, a big gargoyle, a stone gargoyle.

Work that lotion, all right?

And we'd take that. We'd take that down the recommendation.

Oh, yeah. Nice. Yeah.

Lovely.

There's nothing to tie it to.

We've had everything away.

Yeah, I know. It's not a secure point in a room.

What we'll do is we'll just hold it.

I'll be there. Yeah.

I'll be there. I'll be there.

All right. Yeah, exactly. Well, we'll run it around you and then I'll hold it.

Yeah. All right. No problem. All right, then.

Now, work it loose. Work it. Work it.

Yeah. That's it. Great. Brilliant. Brilliant.

Now, Jude, this is something that might interest you.

This is a bullet.

A real bullet that was actually found in J. Edgar Hoover's gun on the day that

he and his G -men shot John DeLinger.

He's quite interesting, that's for sure. I'm sorry, I've never known you. Can I

have a little look? Oh, man, you must have a little look. Why don't you get

there?

Oh, sorry. Nobody panic. No one panic.

Just to fish it out.

That's all.

So I have to smile because it really is quite comical. So the trouble with these

Hollywood types is Johnny Lee Miller, Jude Law, you know, they think the

danger's all over, you know, so the director says, cut, which of course it

But they found out, didn't they, that there's no stuntmen in this industry.

But they'll be all right, you know, Johnny's leg is on the mend.

You can live without a spleen.

Meanwhile, Desard's new sideline in reclamation had paid off handsomely in

form of a Toyota Felica.

Sock top.

Hello, sir. All right, Ray?

Bit of evasive driving techniques are we showing, Johnny?

How's the leg, Johnny?

Not too bad.

You know, it goes with the territory, doesn't it, really? I suppose it does,

really, yeah.

Ooh!

What have I detected under there?

Well,

obviously, I've managed to soak up a lot of police activity.

Well, I really feel like I have.

I think I've got a lot that I can sort of start to use, the basic blocks from

which we can build.

And then I also learned a quite interesting amount about radiators,

ceramics.

You know...

The different old brands of ceramics and how much money the reclamation yard

will give you for different brands, it's quite interesting.

Yeah, I'd say like an Armitage is, you know, not worth as much as I thought it

was.

The commissioner's house has been stripped bare.

I took the Kobe next week, so all the Kobe.

Get this one, right?

Every inch of copper pipe has been taken from the house, which has caused

flooding, which has caved in all the ceilings.

There's untoward damage to the walls, there's holes knocked everywhere.

All the fireplaces are gone.

Give me a minute, I feel very tired.

You all right?

Sure?

Yeah.

Look at the front door. Even had the front door all the way.

Can't believe it.

Right, you sit down there a minute.

The hidden cameras are finally discovered

Next week, the team are involved in a murder mystery investigation.