Original subtitles

Stand easy, good guys.

Stand easy.

Ignore them.

Shut up!

Ignore them.

Don't pay them any attention at all.

It's great to see you all back in uniform. I hope it feels good. I feel

mine.

Remember,

this is a symbol of authority. The good guys are back together.

They have been demoted to uniform.

This is not a step down at all. I don't want you to think about this. And I

don't want this referred to as a tit.

At all.

It has many uses, does it not, Ray?

Such as?

Well, you can stand on it and look over garden walls and look for criminals.

Indeed, you can gain height in this way. In fact, we should demonstrate. Ray,

you'll be my wall. OK.

I'll always be a wall for you, sir.

Climb up here.

Well, don't just stand there and nick them!

Get out of my house, if necessary!

Cheeky little bum!

The good God.

Well, due to the success of the last series, I've been put in a slightly

position where I've had the...

BBC beeping at my door again.

And all the execs twisting my arm now to do a second series.

This show is a show about two policemen.

Unfortunately, it's about you two policemen.

That gives you glory. You don't have the talent for it. You're not telegenic.

It was a tremendous success, the last series. The viewing figures were

high. It started at 2 .6 million. Yeah. And went down to 0 .5.

And, of course, well, when you get a success like that, you want to repeat

I mean, it's very good that you've come in here, and I can tell you to your

faces that your faces don't fit.

Like the letterbox mouth that's there, mentioned several times.

Geoffrey, please.

Please, I'm begging you, do not call this show.

We've put so much effort and time into this.

Yes, as I've explained to you, I am very sympathetic.

I'm listening very hard to what you're saying.

I am, of course, well aware that we had serious problems with the last

operation. Quite frankly, the good guys were bad.

The commissioner has insisted on a retraining programme.

Shut up, get back over there.

Shut up, you as well. I am completely convinced... that the good guys will now

become a force to be reckoned with rather than a disgrace to the force.

Is that right?

I'm the staff sergeant here. You will all address me as staff.

You understand?

I can't hear nothing.

Right. What's this for, Marilyn?

It's my guitar.

Of course they're doing retraining. What else do you think they're doing? They

were a complete shower.

Shut up, you. Are you tall enough to be a policeman?

Are you?

You're short, fat and as blind as a bat.

Do you understand?

So shut it.

He's lucky that he's a senior officer. Do you hear him call me fatty? He's not

exactly skinny himself, is he?

Yes, I mean, personally, I don't believe in psychoanalysis, but really, I was at

the end of my tether and I decided I had to get somebody in, a specialist, to

really find out what had gone wrong.

Bones is first on the psychiatrist's couch and talks about his school days.

Well, in general, you know, it's all right.

All right.

You know, usual bit of bullying, you know, at school and stuff.

I just thought if we filmed it up with Walter and left it overnight, it might

just be so stupid.

Straight in there.

Four or five of them held me down.

Put a whole jar of Coleman's mustard over my urogenital area.

How did that feel?

Hot.

No long faces this week, please. OK?

It's not a retraining course, it's merely a refresher. So let's enjoy it,

goodness sake, OK? Come on, cheer up.

That's more like it. That's better.

I'm going to be here. Hold position here. Ray, you're going to be underneath

as usual.

Desard, Bill, you take this one.

Top or bottom?

Steam. Steam might pop up.

22 years I've had that.

What do you see?

Violence, threatening, scary.

Scary. OK.

What about that one?

Also very frightening.

What do you see in it?

Well, it looks like one of the yetis in Doctor Who.

Oi! Oi!

Stop it! Give it back to me!

What is it?

What is it?

What's disgusting?

What have you got in there, man? When I travel, I always take it everywhere with

me.

You take it with you?

Yeah, everywhere, everywhere. I mean, when I'm working at home, obviously I

leave it at home. That is your real testicle?

Yeah.

Well, the doctor suggested when I had it removed that if I carried it with me at

all times, I wouldn't feel such a loss.

So what's that, then, the stuff, that wee -wee?

Right, you're all here today because you've failed dramatically on the

and this is a training centre where you will have to be physically trained again

to work as a team. Can you just clear one thing up for me, please? Shut up,

Lose your hat. Someone take his hat.

Come over here.

Come over here.

Right. We've got a chart here.

It's called a progress chart.

And it charts your progress.

As in a points system.

Hold it still.

Right. All your names are on the bottom.

And when I call them out, I want you to answer.

Staff.

We have... Decide.

Decide. Shut up.

Bill Zinger.

Zabub. Staff.

Ash. Staff. Bitch.

I'll be that.

Bitch, is that you?

Beach. And when you're relating to authority figures, are you always happy

as you're told?

Oh, certainly, yes. I always respond well to authority.

Found you've got the bed already, have you?

Yes, Peter, officer. Pole position.

Pole position, my bollocks. You get up there, you down here where I can see

You don't feel threatened by being told what to do?

Not at all.

It's part of my job.

And what's your problem?

I don't have a problem.

Then smile.

Let me see a smile on that face.

I can smile.

That's what I like to see.

I like to see my men happy.

I expect my men to follow my lead in that and respond to myself as a senior

figure. He's got to stop.

He shouldn't be talking to me like that.

Not in front of everybody.

Well, you go and have a word with him. Just don't pack it in. I will.

Listen, tonight you can pop up here if you want. What?

Tonight you can pop up here.

I beg your pardon? No, when the lights go out, you can go up here and I'll go

the down way.

Oh, I see. Yeah, OK.

What do you want me to say to him?

Why did talking about your mother make you feel so threatened?

No, talking about my mother doesn't make me feel threatened.

You bloody people are all the same, aren't you?

If you don't see something sinister in what people are thinking or saying, you

have to put something down, don't you?

Well, you're not catching me out like that, Joey.

Why have you got a tie on?

Well, where's your tie?

Um, in the dormitory, sir.

Well, then tell me something else. Why is your shirt hanging out the bottom of

your pants?

Well, I took your shirt off.

And the shoes, why haven't they seen a bit of polish?

Well, that's not appropriate, is it? Shut up. Sit down.

Sorry.

Put it down!

Put it down!

Why did you... Oh, no!

Well,

that feels fantastic.

Everything's gone. All the... The pressure, tension has been lifted now.

feel marvellous saying that. I really do.

In fact, I'm going to have analysis as often as I possibly can. Everybody

indulge in it.

It's really good. I can't thank you enough.

Well, thank you, James, for being here. Not at all.

Great.

Terrific. Take care.

Oh, naughty, naughty.

You chaps get everywhere, don't you? Eh?

Oh, just explaining why you can't do PE, I presume, yeah?

So, your uncle is the commissioner?

What about this one, Mark?

What do you see there?

Um... No.

Sorry, I'll... Right, as I look amongst you, Today, I'm about ready to pick out

an assistant, a monitor, if you like.

That's going to be my right -hand man, who willed the same amount of power that

I do over you lot.

Sit down, bitch.

Bitch, sit down.

Now, we can't see anything there.

Turn it upside down, maybe.

Turn it around, this way.

What does that remind you of?

And my choice is Mark.

What? Mark? Me, sir? Yes, you, Mark. Come up here, sir.

And this, does that look like smoke?

Smoke? Not really.

But I think you mean... Not a dog smoking a pipe.

There's a pipe here, look.

It's not smoke.

It's just hail.

No, I can't see that, no.

You will take notice of him the same as you would me.

Is that understood?

Stop. Can you hear that, Mark? Stop! I can't hear you!

Stop!

That's better.

And if it were a dog?

How would that make you feel?

Right, today's exercise is all about teamwork.

Mark? Stop!

Pick two captains out.

For the first time, Mark is asked to assert his authority.

Me and the governor, we're like that.

We're joined at the hip.

We're like Cagney and Lacey, Dempsey and Makeby.

We're a team.

Captain, if I asked you to climb a mountain, would you wear a pair of

No, you wouldn't.

So I don't want to see you wearing boating shoes in the PE gym. Is that

Now, up to the front.

Together, we work as one.

And he'll never let me down, and I'll never let him down.

I had a dream once, a very strange dream, that I was in a dark room and I

him call me.

And he said, Ray, Ray. And I looked there and he was all golden.

Phil!

And he looked like a Buddha.

And he said, Ray, follow me, follow me, sir.

It was just such a beautiful dream.

All teams elected!

Right,

well I'm not going to have this great leader of men, bitch, with her best

Mark? No!

Jumble them up.

Gary Bones, team one, and Bill, team two.

When he sings to me.

You know, there's no need for it. He doesn't have to do that, but he knows I

love it, the sound of his voice.

Ash, join Beach.

Get on with it.

It's a bit of luck, so, isn't it? I nearly wasn't on your team yet.

Come on, folks.

I am standing in a river, a raging river, and today's exercise is an

test in order for you to get you and your team...

Over the Raging River.

Now, you're on a timer, so let's go.

Keep it shut, you.

Let's go.

Gather round, my man.

No, no, no, no. Stay, stay, stay. But he's timing us. You're in the Raging

River, sir.

No. More haste.

Let's all be calm about this. It's back to school. It's basic physics that we're

after. I want you to remember three things.

E -F -M.

Equilibrium. Fulcrum.

And meniscus.

It's all a question of weight distribution, okay?

They've done it.

They've done it, sir.

They've done it. They've done it. They're gone.

We can't use their bridge. We're screwed.

There's nothing left.

There's nothing left for us to use. We should have grabbed something first. All

right, plan two. Ray? Yeah. Pull that away. Give it to Gary.

Oh, Ray. Stop mumbling.

Stop mumbling now. Oh, I'm sorry, sir. It's my vertebrae popping.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Oh. Shut up. It's my coccyx. Here we go.

That's it. Next one.

The B team finally completes the call.

Sandwich. The canteen was shut. We weren't out there that long, Ray. Four

half hours. We did the job properly, that's why.

Buttocks.

Buttocks in a mouth.

With pits of lips.

In a mouth.

Yeah.

What have you got there this time?

Donuts, sir. From the canteen.

Right. Me and Bill smuggled them in.

What?

You are pathetic.

Black market economy, nothing but gangsters. Thank you, sir.

All I see is, like, big, like that.

Big buttons, like that. Big.

Go on, slap them, right, slap them.

Lovely.

How much are they?

Ten pound.

How much?

They are, Jen.

Ray, come here!

Yes, sir. When it slaps like that, the fat goes...

Do you want to go home?

I'm not doing that.

How's your doing business with you?

Thanks.

Sometimes I just sit on my chest like this.

It's like having two huge sacks of flour on my chest.

And I can't move.

I think that's why I joined the police.

I don't trust no one, especially when there's a million people sleeping in one

room. You never know when they're going to come, do you?

So this is more like an indoor wind chime.

It gives me a bit of warning.

That's why I've stayed alive so long.

Don't you worry,

sir. It'll be so crisp in the morning, it'll walk down on its own.

See what I mean.

You got that Mars bottle?

I'm starving.

Just look at that. It's a pellet shape. What is that? It's horrible.

Delivery service, mate.

That coffee's working.

I'm good.

I was thinking she'd have a Snickers bar in a minute.

Oh,

that's disgusting, Bill.

Well, it's still in a wrap. I know where it's come from, mate. I want my money

back.

What's that?

A finger.

I know it's a finger!

It's a dirty finger!

And while you're at it, you can wash the toilet with a toothbrush!

That is disgusting.

He's straightening up a bit.

Why are you waking your hands up, Snakey? Come on. Come on.

Come on. Come on.

Come on. Come on. Come on.

Just get out of the bucket. You've got three minutes to show.

Basically, when you start off, it's the spirit that leads the body.

But eventually, as you move on progressively, to be a fully -fledged

city, you can fly.

Physically fly.

Aware of the need for high ratings, the BBC is attempting to inject some glamour

into the show.

Wasn't it? Like a very young child.

No, no, no. It's more like a ninja mongoose.

You know, just as they're about to attack the snake.

That's too high a pitch. It was lower pitch as well. I've got perfect pitch.

Yeah,

that's it.

It went down.

It sounded like someone was definitely in pain.

It was all night, wasn't it?

The way you go, Amy. Well, I would be giving you a demonstration

on mouth -to -mouth resuscitation had I got my Respirator doll.

But I can't show you because someone's taken it. Sorry, is that the doll with

the mouth and the...

Yes, it is. Have you seen it? Sorry, I don't know exactly where it is.

And

then

literally pull the head straight, chin back, mouth open.

Just gently squeeze the nose.

Don't go near it. Don't go near it.

That is disgusting.

This is a Redman, sir. It allows us to simulate a full attack without any

or pain to the wearer.

Now, when I leave the side of the wearer, I want you to fully attack him.

All out attack.

Hold nothing back. You'll be able to handle that surely, won't you?

Let's put your little helmet on there.

What's the matter with you, you bunch of wusses?

Come on!

Come on!

Come on!

There's a bruise there.

Oh, yes, all right. It's a big bruise. Don't... I know where the bruises are. I

can feel them. Did I hurt?

No, of course they don't.

They only hurt when I breathe.

Right. As a team, you've nearly got all the points that you need to take you

through the court.

And I can compliment most of you on what you've done and achieved.

But there's still one or two who are utter and complete

crap. Listen, I'm not here.

Right.

As from tomorrow morning, oh, 900 hours, you'll be leaving the establishment and

you'll be back on the street.

But until then, you're mine.

You are under my jurisdiction, the establishment and mine. Stop!

And you will not eat, sleep, shit without my notification or my knowledge

But String has other ideas.

Yeah.

Fantastic, mate.

Yeah.

What do you think?

Give me that to you. You're confined to your dorm.

For the time you're here now, you are confined to your dorm. I don't want you

speak to anyone.

Outside this perimeter of this campus. Do you understand me? Look, staff.

Marilyn, do you understand me?

Staff.

Staff, don't put it in the bin.

We've managed out there with a contract. Waiting to be signed.

You're complying, mate. You're complying. I know, so you've got to help

out there without getting caught. I don't want to lose your points or

Streams, if we get caught, that's it.

There's no operations at all. All the points will be out the window, mate.

Look. When I make it as a big pop star, you'll be with me anyway.

You can be my security.

Tuck in, tuck in.

You all right in there, Strings?

Sorry, mate, you'll have to make do. All right. We'll leave you here, we'll come

back and get you, yeah? Don't forget to come back, will you? Of course not.

Don't be too long.

All right, keep it down, son.

Good luck, Strings. Cheers, bones.

Strings' new manager arrives for the secret meeting. In the box.

You're in the box?

Yeah. Hey, what is Cumberland doing here? I have a contract.

I have contract. Quick, because they're coming back for me. Okay, I pass

contract through, and there is contract.

Contract is in your fingers.

I've got it.

All right, now you sign contract, Richka.

It's not very thick, is it?

No, but it's something else thick for you I have.

What I can say is that they've come as individuals and I've forced them into a

team. And now they'll work as a team.

And as you can see by the point that they've mounted up, obviously some have

done so well, but most of them have really flew.

And like I say, I mean, you know, they're working together. So I'm quite

with the result.

You sure that camera light doesn't bite us? No, it's good.

We can't be seen?

No. Right.

This is a very, very, very important mission. We've got to be like ninjas in

night. And I'm the officer in command, OK?

Not like... You can't really get in the red shirt. Do you understand me? Let's

get on.

Where'd you come from?

How'd you find us?

Saw the camera light out there. What are you doing? You said we couldn't be

seen.

We're going on a mission.

You can't do that. That stuff will kill you.

Bullocks and stuff.

You're either with us or you're against us. What's it going to be?

Yeah,

well I think as a team, I mean, they work quite well together.

There was one or two individuals who really, you know, stopped a lot of

happening, which was Beech for one.

Ash. Well, Ash as well, yeah. I mean, you know, he needed a little bit of

prodding. And bones.

Well, he's physically inadequate, really, bones. I mean, he's got to lose

little bit of weight.

On their return to camp, Gary is in danger of losing the team their hard

-earned points.

Get moving.

Come on. Stay in another week.

Try and shut me up!

Get him in there.

Do what that bitch tells you.

Drastic action is needed.

I will not be...

No, no, Marcel, I've not witnessed any bullying or racism in the 20 years that

I've been at the college.

And I want to make it abundantly clear, there is no bullying or racism in

today's police force.

We can't leave him like this, sir. I know, I know.

Gary, Gary, you're going to lose your life.

two Hollywood stars come to see the good guys in action.