Original subtitles

Whoa, nice hat.

Oh, yeah, there's something I'm crying at.

My thought was most people can't pull off a hat, but I'm one of the lucky few

who has the perfect bone structure for it.

Some say it's just me and Robert Downey Jr., but I don't know.

It's cool.

Hey, maybe I should get a matching one. That would be like a team.

We're not a team.

We are a team.

I mean, we have lunch together every day.

We play Xbox every night. We do fajita Fridays. We finish each other's fajitas.

And if that doesn't make us a team, then what are we to each other?

What are we?

I'm the general manager, and you are the boss's son, who, instead of having an

actual job, follows me around every day asking, what are we to each other?

Right.

Let's get hats for that. Okay.

Whoa, when's your jazz trio performing?

That's a cool hat.

You look like you're in the prep pool for the moon landing.

That's a good one. That is fantastic. Ben, you just gave my smile a smile.

This is not a joke.

This is a real thing that's happening, and I'm sorry that you guys are jealous

that you can't make this look work. I'm not sure about that.

Now, there's a man who can wear a hat.

That is awesome. You look like Steel on vacation.

I am young and hip and with it. With it? With it.

I have the perfect bone structure for this hat, right?

So ticket sales are up for Saturday night?

See, people are dying to come to Terry Hunter's self -help seminar.

I use Terry's method every day, and with his help, there's no limit to the

success I can reach in the business world. He's amazing.

I'm sorry, I can't keep up. Is this the guy with the bangs who helped you find

your inner champion, or the very thin gentleman who wanted you to move into a

tree? All I know is that I used to be terrified of public speaking, but with

Terry's help, I'm not. He has all the answers I've been looking for.

In fact, Alice is the keynote speaker at my annual girls' basketball camp this

year. Kudos.

You've reached the mountaintop.

Lose the hat. Listen up, people.

Change of plans. We need a new actress Saturday night. Terry Hunter is a fraud.

He was just arrested at the airport for tax evasion and will be unavailable for

his power of persuasion seminar.

No. And in an unfortunate twist, he also scammed us out of his upfront money. We

don't give acts upfront money. I know. He talked me into it. He's wildly

persuasive. It's a shame he won't be speaking.

Oh, my God.

There must be some mistake.

Benjamin, I need you to get a replacement act. Better call in a favor.

Oh! Give Peter Cetera a jingle. Tell him Choo -Choo says it's time.

He'll know.

I don't believe it.

He's a fraud?

I'm sorry. This must be really hard for you.

Where did you end up on the hat? Yes, sir, or no?

Hey, Heather.

Hi.

You look so pretty.

Thanks. I cried for two and a half hours straight this morning, and that always

makes my eyes really sparkly. It's working.

Heather, we need a new act for Saturday night. Can you... Oh, my God.

I love your hat.

I love it, love it, love it.

Thank you.

Finally, somebody gets me.

Hey, I get you. I said I liked it. Quiet, Roman.

Heather's saying I have the perfect bone structure for this hat.

Hey, Ben, that might sound weird, but can I take a picture with you in your

That does sound weird.

And yes.

Oh, Roman, would you mind taking a picture?

Sure. Yes.

Smile. Say, Roman.

No.

Did you get it?

Yeah.

Oh, my God, I love it. I just want to make it into a piece of clothing and

it.

Or print it and burn it.

and inhale it so that it is inside of me.

Hey, what was that all about?

You heard her. She wants to inhale me. There's not a lot of nuance there.

Seems like there was something going on.

Oh, come on, buddy. There's nothing going on. She's a crazy lunatic.

I mean, she's perfect for you, and she's going to make a great mom someday, but

there's nothing going on.

Hey, Ben.

Do you think that we could...

You know, hang out sometime.

There's a full moon. We could take a drive.

Oh, I don't think so.

Heather, my social calendar is jam -packed. But I'm in charge of your

and the only thing that you have all week is cardio hip -hop.

Well, that's not true, I don't think.

Okay.

One of these days, I'm going to get you.

Why didn't you say anything on the call with the people from the children's

beauty pageant? I sounded like a creepy guy begging to get a bunch of girls here

on Saturday night. And now I'm going to be on a list. I just know I'm going to

be on a list. Her public speaking thing is back.

When I started to speak, I was so aware of myself talking, it felt like I was

outside of myself listening, and then my voice sounded really weird to me, like

a cartoon duck.

All you said was, are we all on?

Don't you have an angsty indie film to direct?

We're friends. Let's not take shots at each other. You do sound like a duck,

though. Hey, hey, hey, honey, you'll feel better once you talk to my girls at

the basketball camp this afternoon.

No, no, no, no, I can't. I...

I have to cancel that.

It's low pressure. Just a bunch of 13 -year -old girls. You don't know what a

hurdle this was for me to get over. It was all tied up in my self -esteem

issues.

Please stop listening to me.

But Alonzo's ladies need you.

Excuse me.

You call your girls' basketball camp Alonzo's ladies? I do. I take a bunch of

young girls, Ben, and with these two hands, I shape and mold their young,

promising bodies.

You don't actually...

Hear what you're saying, do you?

Heather, have you seen Roman? We're supposed to go to lunch like we do every

day. I haven't seen him.

Word of advice?

Never a good idea to get involved with a boss. I've done it dozens of times. It

never works out.

Except the time I got involved with a boss and I got this arena out of it.

That time it worked out.

You know what I like about Manny? Tacos and donuts.

I love tacos, but I also love donuts.

Here you can have it all.

That could be the slogan.

Yeah. If it weren't already, I hope you don't have a lot to do this afternoon.

That was hilarious, Logan.

Herman, there you are. I was just looking for you for 20 minutes at the

so we could have lunch like we do every day right here at this very table.

Well, I'm having lunch with Alonzo.

What's up, big man? Join us. I can't join you. The chairs don't move in here.

All right.

I decided to roll the dice and get the powdered fish taco. How about you guys?

Hey, Alonzo, Alonzo, tell me more about your job.

What is charity?

Well, what I do is I organize outreach programs and benefits for unapproved

children. You know, there are some people at the arena who make their job

important, but your job, it really is.

Roman, is this about Heather? Because there really is nothing going on. I am

an idiot.

Come on, Alonzo, let's go.

Come on, Alonzo, let's go.

You're not leaving.

Oh, no. Who's going to follow me around?

Who's going to get grape jelly on all my stuff?

Weird, right?

Not as weird as these tamale holes, my man.

I am calm.

I am centered. And I am enough. I can do this.

Babe, you'll be okay.

I have faith in you.

And it's like I tell my girls, if you can't find the tools inside you, you can

always use my tools.

Wait, you tell young girls that?

A tool of courage.

Okay, we should get started.

Okay, girls, take a seat.

And let's give a warm Alonzo's ladies welcome to Alice Aubrey.

Hi,

guys, or girls.

You're not guys, or are you?

I'm Alice, and I'm going to be talking to you about female empowerment.

Thirteen, huh?

You guys look a lot more developed than I was at your age. I read it had

something to do with the milk you're drinking.

Yeah.

Especially you.

Wow. I would have hated you.

It's me with my padded bra and my braces and my dorky crush on Steve Cheranian,

but he did college online and had a pretty severe meth problem, so sorry,

What's happening? We are witnessing a world -class implosion.

Women are powerful.

Well, who here thinks they can do anything?

No one?

Well, that doesn't surprise me. When I was your age, I was timid and afraid

But I had two dreams.

One was to become the most powerful woman in all of San Diego and by

the world.

And B, to marry a swarthy prince whose pet name for me would be White Goddess.

As of today, I've accomplished both.

So let me ask you again. Who here thinks they can do anything?

Alice, put your hand down, dear.

I had big dreams of success, and now I have no answer. Roman's acting really

weird, and Heather's in love with me.

I'll see her. Yeah.

Crystal, can I ask you... Oh, am I interrupting something?

I'm hosting a high -stakes game night tomorrow, and I'm practicing my charade.

Oh.

When you talked to those girls just now, how did you... Oh, okay.

How did you speak so confidently?

Two, please.

How do you do everything you do so easily?

Well, I believe in myself.

I have an incredible lawyer who supports me both legally and emotionally.

And every day, I take one of these.

Two of these, and at 2 .45 p .m. on the dot, 26 of these.

They're all natural.

You know what?

That sounds really good to me.

Oh, I'll make you an appointment with my herbalist, Norm.

He believes people live to be 250 years old, and he's fairly certain he's a

ghostbuster, but don't let him alarm you.

Or touch you.

Don't let him alarm you or touch you.

Hey, hey, hey, guys. Hey.

Hey, Roman. I'm coming pretty close to booking an all -night rave for Saturday

night. Now, I can't promise you you'll get to play with the fog machine, but

guy seemed open to it. Dude, you're getting a fog machine.

Thank you, but I'm busy helping out with Alonzo's ladies.

Are you wearing a girl's tracksuit? Yes, I am.

It's Latricia's.

She quit the team because she was having chest pains.

That sounds like you guys are going to have a lot of fun.

Oh, yeah. We're going to double team.

You have to just think those things. You can't. You can't.

Your herbalist is amazing.

You saw Norman. How are you feeling?

Electric. Do you ever feel electric?

I do. I do feel electric often.

This stuff makes me feel like the person I've always wanted to become, but was

too stupid to do it. What is it, anyway? I just know it comes from this great

earth. I believe they're grown in animal manure.

Well, it is really working for me. I just dominated a conference call with

snow cone reps, and then I called my mother, I told her I was sick of her

and I think my hair smells better, too. Smell my hair, if I want to. Yeah, smell

it.

I like you now.

Let's hang out.

Yeah, let's do it.

I can't feel my calves. Neither can I.

Every decade, I choose one very special young woman to take under my wing and

help her to become the extraordinary woman I know she can be.

Last decade, it was Danica Patrick.

Oh, my God. She's so fast and pretty.

You're coming to Shiraz tonight.

Your teammates will be some of the wealthiest, most successful people in

Diego. And if you move them the way you just moved me, you, too, might win the

Tokyo 300.

This is my shot.

Welcome to the penthouse.

Oh, the key. I get it.

You're ready.

Bring a pouty keg. Okay.

Can you hold the door? Hold the door, please.

Oh.

You look well.

As do you.

Have you gained weight?

I've been happy.

Alonzo makes me happy.

Look, Roman, this is getting really weird. I'm not going to compete with

for you.

This isn't a competition.

Alonzo and I are something you and I never were.

A team.

Team Rolando.

That's the first part of my name, then.

Breath to his name.

I will take that drive with you.

Great. Meet me at 5 .30.

Oh, and leave your wallet.

Well, how about that?

Heather and I are going for a drive tonight.

I say that both to hurt you and to make sure you can tell them where to look for

my charred, lifeless body.

If you're asking yourself if that's the mayor talking to Jimmy Smits in Europe's

Greatest Diamond Thief, the answer would be... Crystal,

this is incredible.

I can't believe I'm here with all these people. You are these people.

After tonight, you can write your own ticket.

Are you ready?

I just took four more of Norman's herbal lightning bolts. Let's do this.

All right, my turn. Look alive, ass -ass. Here we go.

All right.

Oh, okay, okay.

TV show.

Uh, that's a signal for song, Hal. Wake up. You can't talk.

Well, I can talk if Hal's going to be an idiot.

Song. What?

Uh, four words. Four words. One first word. A first word.

Uh, blow.

Blow. Blow. Blow.

Popsicle.

Blowing. Uh, song.

Song. Stop that, Hal. Keep up. You can't talk. You can't talk.

Wind beneath my wings, you powerful moron.

Anybody want to do free weight?

Sweetie, could you help me for a second?

There's a punch bowl up in this closet I can't seem to reach. I can reach it. I

can jump five feet in the air.

I love it in here.

We were just so far away from the city lights and witnesses.

Oh, hi.

Lonzo and I are just going to dinner.

Might go see a movie, too.

Hope that doesn't hurt you.

Like in your heart.

Okay, you two need to talk. I don't know what's going on between you two, but I

do know it's weird.

There's nothing to talk about.

Roman started this friendship with you because he thought for some crazy reason

it would upset me.

I only did that because you started your little thing with Heather.

Roman, there's nothing going on with me and Heather. I'm very flattered, but

she's my assistant, and it's inappropriate, and... And he reminds me

grandfather. Then I remind her of a what's -that, you say?

When you started wearing that hat, it made me see you in this new light, and I

guess it just made me miss my pop -pop.

Right. I remind her of her pop -pop.

Her very old and probably dead. Is he dead? A reminder of her old dead pop

Tomorrow, I'm going to bring in your favorite three -bean soup.

Yeah,

I should get going, too. But just so you know, Roman was just helping me out

with Alonzo's ladies. That's all.

Those girls can be too much for one man to handle. And as they get older, their

physical needs get exhausting.

Oh.

I just heard it.

I need to make a few changes on my website.

Just to be clear, there's nothing romantic going on between Heather and

Romantic?

That's not what I was worried about.

Well, then what?

What the hell? What? What? What?

It wasn't Heather I thought I was losing.

It was you.

I've been having so much fun since I got to the Sunshine Center.

You know?

Hanging out with someone who could show me the ropes and take me to lunch.

Maybe toss the old pigskin around every now and then.

You're talking about the game where I see how much bacon I can throw in your

mouth? Yeah, I like that game.

Yeah. I guess I never really had something like that. And it was nice.

Listen, no one could replace you.

Really? Really.

We're team.

Team Roman.

Team Roman.

We don't have to name it. Thank you.

I got something for you.

Looks better on you anyway.

Wow, you think?

Doesn't look like I'm trying too hard or I'm too old for this or maybe I think

I'm better looking. You know what? No one gets the hat. This place is so mean.

Are you ready to come out now?

I am.

I'm so sorry I blew it.

Well, if it makes you feel any better, you really blew it.

You're so successful and confident.

I thought you had the answer for me. I do have the answer.

Crystal, use your words.

The answer is stop asking the question.

I don't spend any time thinking. I just do.

See? I didn't think about that. I just did it.

Now, you seem very worried about where you're going. But from my point of view,

you should just enjoy where you are.

Except for tonight.

No one enjoyed where you were tonight.

Thanks, Crystal.

Now, I'm quite tired.

And it's a pretty long walk to the front door, so if you don't mind, there's a

service road through the trees.

I would run.

The dogs are very fast.

All right.